Is my boyfriend too cheap/selfish to date?

[toofrugal]

Dating a really nice guy for a while now but more and more I'm seeing his frugal side which in my opinion borders on cheap and/or selfish. I, on the other hand, am very giving (monetarily and emotionally) even though I still need to work for a living.

While he is fairly generous on the emotional side (but still doesn't go out of his way most often), I think I have a cheapskate on my hands.
The weird thing is he seems to have plenty of $ but he just gave me a mothers day card (nice thought) but I can tell it was bought at Dollar Tree and verified it by the brand on the back of the card and no price shown. I do shop at Dollar Tree for some items but not for my partner especially when it's not combined with flowers or other tokens.

He does pay generally when we go out to eat (and I pay most often buying dinner if we are staying at home) but basically nothing else. The first gift he bought me was fairly cheap but once he saw what I gave him he improved slightly. He tells me his parents raised him to save, save and save. What's the point of saving and working hard and accumulating wealth if you are afraid to spend anything?

He is ok spending "his" money on some trips if I pay my own way which I'm ok with since we are older but when I look back and see I was generous with him when I had no direct benefit, I can see he isn't like that. In other words, when he gets a direct benefit, he may pay but not otherwise.

I've mentioned to him his reluctance to spend money and he's acknowledged I'm right that moderation is the key and I should "help him change". I don't need a project at this point in my life.

Should I give up on him? He does seem interested in my well being and is easy to get along with so I don't want to be shallow and we have chemistry/care for each other but this part of him is really a turn off.

[Erin6]

I think that it sounds like you guys have really different values when it comes to money. Have you specifically brought up to him how it makes you feel? I often feel like the trope of "help me change" is just a way to prolong bad habits and make your partner feel responsible for them. Granted there are contexts where this is not true, but from what you've said it sounds like it's not one of the good contexts.

I think that it sounds like you need a partner who is equally as giving as you, and currently he doesn't seem to be doing that. I think you need to have a serious conversation about how you feel and see how he feels. It might be time to move on. I will say that all the good qualities you mentioned can be found in other people too, not just him. It's not shallow to listen to your feelings about something. Maybe you guys can reach a compromise? If not then you should both move on.

[Tanzi]

I don't mean to be rude but why does he need to give you a Mother's Day card or gift?  You aren't his mother.  In that respect, I feel the card was a nice gesture.

He also pays when you dine out which doesn't sound like being a cheapskate to me.

How often do you eat at home?  I gather you don't live together so aren't sharing the cost of anything?  Do you eat at his?  How long have you known him?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, toofrugal said:

He is ok spending "his" money on some trips if I pay my own way which I'm ok with since we are older I've mentioned to him his reluctance to spend money.

How long have you been dating? How old is he? Do both of you work?  Do you both roughly have the same income and assets? How far apart do you live? How often do you see each other?

Are either of you widowed or divorced? Do either of you have adult children?

Finances are a touchy subject and you seem incompatible in this area. 

[Andrina]

52 minutes ago, toofrugal said:

He does pay generally when we go out to eat (and I pay most often buying dinner if we are staying at home) but basically nothing else.

Can I ask what this means in bold? Just trying to figure out what he's not paying for.

It also will make a difference in opinions/advice in knowing how long you two have been in a relationship, as per the timeline gifts were given, and what they were--what he gave and what you gave. If the relationship has been going on less than a year, maybe he's smart not to pay for your part of the trip and buying expensive gifts when a relationship is new. But without the knowledge of the length of your relationship and what these gifts were on both sides, it's hard to give more valid advice.

[Kwothe28]

58 minutes ago, toofrugal said:

Should I give up on him? He does seem interested in my well being and is easy to get along with so I don't want to be shallow and we have chemistry/care for each other but this part of him is really a turn off.

If you are thinking to get rid of him because he is caring but "doesnt spend enough" on you(that probably means he pays for dinner but doesnt get you expensive gifts), I dont think the problem in the relationship is him. Its you. And your twisted standard where you think you are entilted on expensive gifts and his money. Leave the poor man alone and find some SugarDaddy instead.

[toofrugal]

we've been together for 18 months and he's already talking of marriage. He has wanted me to move in with him with me paying half of everything whether I stay just over weekends until I sell my place or not.

He's looking for a committed relationship but I think he feels burnt after his divorce 4 years ago and so he holds back but I get the feeling he was this way with his ex too b/c when she retired to take care of his sister who was ill from cancer he said that was the beginning of the end of their relationship (married 34 years) but he wanted to stay and she threw him out. He felt she shouldn't have retired but continue to help with finances even though he's a professional making a good living.

I don't want expensive gifts but the ones he buys me are just not nice...I appreciate it either way of course. But it does reflect on his issue with spending money I think. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, toofrugal said:

. He has wanted me to move in with him with me paying half of everything whether I stay just over weekends until I sell my place or not.

Have you posted this before under several different user names?  Is he the one who wants you to pay half his rent to stay there weekends?  Is he the one who wants you to sell your house to help him finance one in his area? 

[Cherylyn]

Since you're not his mother,  it was still very thoughtful of him to give you a Mother's Day card nonetheless. 

I buy greeting cards,  ribbons,  tissue and gift bags from the Dollar Tree.  However,  instead of the card and wrappers,  I concentrate on spending money on high quality gifts which is more important to me as the giver.   I'm generous monetarily as is my husband.  We too,  cannot tolerate cheapskates and I know plenty of them.  They're so cheap,  they squeak!  ☹️

My sister resides in a $2mil house and she's a cheapskate.  She gave my sons duplicate cheap tool kits for their birthdays several years ago.  She gives me a lot of recycled cheap gifts which I end up donating or discarding.  I've given her handmade,  home sewn quilts,  expensive gifts,  pricey gift cards,  etc.  whereas she is super stingy to the point of being a miser.  ☹️

My local mother and brother don't have much money yet they're extremely generous paying for large parties at expensive restaurant dinner tables for my local in-laws,  their extended family members,  my sister,  her family,  their friends and children and us.  However,  my husband and I don't sponge off other people.  We always pay our own way whether with my in-laws or my relatives.  (Same when with friends.)  Always.  We never take advantage of other people's generosity.  We never come along for the free ride. 

I've noticed that ever since I began dating my husband,  he had always been a generous tipper.  He told me that waiters and waitresses are low income wage earners and most likely starving students or single parents.  He's very empathetic especially for hard workers who don't earn much.  I knew I had to marry him!

Since the guy you're dating pays generally for dine out,  I wouldn't consider him cheap in that area.  Since you pay for food for dine in,  it depends on how often both of you dine in.  Is it equitable or not?  This is where you need to be fair.

After the first cheap gift to you,  sounds like he improved slightly.  He hails from a very frugal upbringing.  Both of your values are different and if this is problematic,  then perhaps he's not for you long term. 

My husband and I save a lot of money but we're not cheap either when it comes to high quality wardrobes and apparel as opposed to buying a lot of junk.  Same with all of our purchases big,  small,  medium,  major or minor. 

My mother taught me to buy high quality items as opposed to focusing only on price.  It's better than donating or discarding due to an impulse purchase which didn't have much thought put into it.  She has an eye for aesthetics and I've since honed her skills when it comes to shopping wisely.  I can still be frugal but I won't buy anything unless it's worthwhile and same with my husband.  This is our ingrained habit.

Everyone spends and saves differently.  In the past,  we took vacations,  spent money on airfare,  hotels,  lived out of suitcases,  spent money on rental cars,  tours,  entertainment tickets,  dine out,  take out and did it all.  Nowadays,  not so much.  There is so much to do locally.  We enjoy a simple life of nature,  parks,  picnics,  being with our friends / spousal / couple friends / individual friends / potlucks.  I enjoy cooking and my men enjoy chowing down. 

Nowadays,  we heavily invest (monetarily) in other areas of our business life.  We still live very comfortably in an affluent residential neighborhood and without debts.  We own our house free and clear.  We save money every month.  However,  we're not cheap when it comes to our lifestyle. 

My local in-laws dine out every night.  The problem with that is that it tends to be unhealthy with questionable ingredients / seasonings / chemicals,  some food is overcooked, high in sodium,  starchy, sugary and there's too much temptation to eat non-diet friendly food.  With so much eating out / take out meals,  it creates a vicious cycle of convenience.  Many times,  there's nothing substantial to eat in the home because it's time to eat out again not to mention it gets expensive compared to cooking at home and enjoying delicious leftovers. 

The fact that your guy doesn't spend money on you due to no direct benefit to him does sound cheap.  I've known people who spend money on themselves yet when it comes to other people,  they pinch their pennies and never shell out.  Fortunately, those types of people in my life are not part of my social circle when it comes to money.  However,  I enjoy chatting with them in person which doesn't cost anything.

If you don't want to "help him change" nor need a project,  then don't be with him.  Both of you are incompatible.

His cheapskate habits will always bother you so yes,  give up on him.  He needs to be paired up with a woman who is compatible to his saving and frugal spending habits.  He needs to be with a woman who thinks and acts just like him when it comes to money.  Don't marry him!

You need to be with a guy who shares your similar money habits and thoughts. 

My husband was clueless until I clued him in.😊  I don't like flowers nor candy.  Give me a purse instead!  I don't like junk jewelry.  Fortunately,  I'm set on my fine jewelry which is understated yet chic and beautiful.  I don't like gift shop knickknacks and dust collectors.  I prefer pretty clothes,  shoes,  handbags,  frequenting the hair salon,  doing my own professional manicure / pedicures regularly and looking put together.   He knows I'm a girly girl and very feminine.  He got with the program.  😉








 

[spinstermanquee]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is he the one who wants you to pay half his rent to stay there weekends?  Is he the one who wants you to sell your house to help him finance one in his area? 

Please let us know, we are curious and eager to help

[gamon]

2 hours ago, toofrugal said:

 He has wanted me to move in with him with me paying half of everything whether I stay just over weekends until I sell my place or not.

Seems fair.

[Sally .C.]

I am new to the forum, and am surprised by the answers to this question. I am surprised that many suggest letting this man go, a man who is described as caring, because he buys cards at the dollar tree and prefers to save than spend.

I guess it depends on your priorities here. If you're willing to walk away from an itherwose good relationship, that's of course your choice, but I don't think he's the one who needs to change their outlook.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, toofrugal said:

. He has wanted me to move in with him with me paying half of everything whether I stay just over weekends 

This has nothing to do with dollar store greeting cards. If this is the same man you've posted about under different user names, please stop paying half his rent in order to just visit him on weekends.

[Batya33]

I forgot if it was this past year -or for which holiday/birthday but I made my husband a card.  Out of construction paper left over from when my son needed it for school supplies.  Two reasons - I didn't have time to get to the store but IMO it gets a little silly to spend -at least here - $5 plus now on a greeting card (unless there are coupons -I think my husband does that -buys in advance with coupons which is great!!).  

I am no artist but I'm good with writing for sure.  He loved it.  I think I even put a fake "price" on the back LOL.  I wouldn't be married to him had he found that cheap.  He got me expensive gifts when we were dating and I have a beautiful engagement ring (I don't like large diamonds for a number of reasons and told him so -it is beautiful because it is so classic and elegant) - and I'm glad we don't go all out with the gifts anymore because we come up with thoughtful gifts -framed photos, sweaters he otherwise wouldn't buy for himself, mugs with photos, favorite foods (he loves gumbo -I don't eat it so I made him gumbo for his birthday). Financially we are doing well and always have been but I wasn't one to need fancy expensive gifts to show love.  If I told him I wanted one -he would get it for me. 

It's also a great role model for our son who has been researching a certain device he wants to buy with his own money for weeks so he can get the best one/best price - rather than simply saying "ok that one because I want it right now and don't want to wait."  Ever since he could figure out $ he's known the value of a dollar and known the difference between being cheap and being financially savvy despite knowing we're doing fine financially. 

Ask yourself why you need your boyfriend to spend $$$ to show love.  If he is cheap that's a different thing -does he undertip? Does he try not to offer to pay his fair share -does he ever offer to treat you or friends or family especially if it's reciprocal? Does he comment if you want to order a certain entree that's a couple of dollars more as far as the cost? Does he give to charity?

[Jaunty]

10 hours ago, Sally .C. said:

I am new to the forum, and am surprised by the answers to this question. I am surprised that many suggest letting this man go, a man who is described as caring, because he buys cards at the dollar tree and prefers to save than spend.

I guess it depends on your priorities here. If you're willing to walk away from an itherwose good relationship, that's of course your choice, but I don't think he's the one who needs to change their outlook.

I agree - but the answer to the OP, still, is "move on."  The way he is with money is not acceptable for the OP.  She is already bitter and looks down on him for it.  Time to find a person who shares her values, and leave this man to do the same.

[Tinydance]

18 hours ago, Tanzi said:

I don't mean to be rude but why does he need to give you a Mother's Day card or gift?  You aren't his mother.  In that respect, I feel the card was a nice gesture.

He also pays when you dine out which doesn't sound like being a cheapskate to me.

How often do you eat at home?  I gather you don't live together so aren't sharing the cost of anything?  Do you eat at his?  How long have you known him?

 

 

I actually thought the same thing. You aren't his mother or the mother of his children, right? So from that perspective he probably didn't have to give you anything at all.

[Tinydance]

I actually don't think that thoughtfulness and caring actually must equal spending money. I'm not sure what Dollar Tree is but here in Australia we have a discount variety store called The Reject Shop. For example they sell cards for mostly $1 - $2 but most of the cards are actually really nice. They don't actually look cheap at all. 

I don't really see from your post how your boyfriend is cheap. You did say he usually pays for dinner when you go out. That seems pretty generous. Also I don't think someone has to buy you gifts or pay for things for you unless it's a special occasion. For example, if it's your Birthday then he could pay for dinner, movies, wherever it is you go out. This is to treat you for your Birthday. But if you just to out normally, I don't think he has to pay for you. I also don't think he has to give you any gifts just randomly for no reason.

[Cherylyn]

I wouldn't put too much stock into the price of the Dollar Tree card because he thought enough of you to give you a Mother's Day card because you're a mother despite your not being his mother nor the mother of his children which was kind of him. 

He pays for dinner when both of you dine out which is praiseworthy.  Do you pay and cook for dine in meals more than he pays for dine out meals?  If you want to crunch the numbers regarding fairness,  then readjust the dine out vs. dine in ratio so it's balanced and fair.

Paying for your own trips seems fair and equitable. 

Now, the sticking point is gifts.  If he tends to be on the cheap side,  then instead of trying to change him to your favor,  this is where you need to go cheap, too.  If his gifts to you are inexpensive,  then don't buy him elaborate,  pricey gifts.  Keep the prices the same so there is no affront nor unrealistic expectations.  Be equal.

I tend to be generous with gift giving and I'm insulted whenever it's my turn to receive gifts and the gift giver gets real cheap by giving me,  my husband and sons dirt cheap gifts whereas I took the time,  energy and expense to give either home sewn gifts (quilts / potholders / aprons / cloth trivets / casserole carriers, etc), home cooked dinners, gift cards and the like.  The gift giver gave us either recycled,  cheap rejected gifts or bought us obviously cheap,  tacky, gaudy, impractical gifts which was downright offensive.  Then there were those who never reciprocated but had no problems doing all the taking without ever giving back.  These are the same people who had no qualms spending money generously only on themselves.  In this case,  both parties agreed to forgo the gift giving exchanges altogether which works very well.  No more insults going this route.  Problem solved.  🙂

[smackie9]

You had 18 months to express your feelings on this and help encourage him to be a little less frugal. He hasn't changed much, and your situations isn't any better. Moving in together is going to be a disaster. Just dump him.

[reinventmyself]

I read something once that stuck with me:

When considering a life partner assess both attitudes about money and ask yourself based on this, is this someone you would go into business with? 

Because when all is said and done, and the warm fuzzys dies down, you essentially have not only a life partner but a business partner as well.  Running a home and family is really no different and it's a business in itself.  If you don't at least some similar attitudes where money is concerned, you will continue to struggle.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

I read something once that stuck with me:

When considering a life partner assess both attitudes about money and ask yourself based on this, is this someone you would go into business with? 

Because when all is said and done, and the warm fuzzys dies down, you essentially have not only a life partner but a business partner as well.  Running a home and family is really no different and it's a business in itself.  If you don't at least some similar attitudes where money is concerned, you will continue to struggle.

Totally agree. And, I think attitudes about gift giving are different since they are not always money-related plus no real analogy is business. 

[poorlittlefish]

Your boyfriend's spending habits seem perfectly reasonable to me. 

He bought you a card when there was no actual reason to do so.  A card is going to get thrown away anyway, so why would he waste money on an expensive one for an occasion where there was no necessity to buy a card at all?

He generally pays for your meals when you go out.  I'd say that's pretty generous and, if anything, you should be returning the favour sometimes.  Why should he pay for anything else?  Would you like it if the situation was reversed and he expected you to pay for everything for him?  No way would I expect a boyfriend to pay for me to go on a trip with him.  I am amazed you think he should.

As for the gifts, again, he's not obligated to buy any for you.  If you don't like what he buys you, then maybe give him pointers on the sort of things you do like.  He's not a mind reader and invariably bought the gifts with good intentions.

OP, you've not come back to say whether or not you've been making posts about this guy under different user names, but I suspect this to be the case.  You can't change this man and he's clearly not meeting your expectations.  End the relationship and be by yourself for a while.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

you've not come back to say whether or not you've been making posts about this guy under different user names, but I suspect this to be the case.  

Agree. If you forget your username or login info that's ok. But dollar store greeting cards aren't really the issue considering he's making you pay half his rent to visit him on weekends.

[Big Stan]

I think you need a little bit of a reality check here.  From your posting it sounds like he already spends more money on you than you do on him.  If this is the case you have NO right to call him cheap.  If anything YOU are the cheap one.  Why should he shoulder more of the financial burden because he has a penis?  It's 2023, women are equal and you should act like it.  

I have no problem spending money personally but my wallet clamps shut the second I feel like I'm being taken advantage of or that certain things are expected of me.  The only thing that should be expected of me is that I pay my half or my share.  Outside of that the other person should not expect me to spend a penny and be GRATEFUL if I decide to do so.  Yes this includes gifts or anything else.  I put 10 bucks of gas in your car because you forgot your wallet you should offer to get it back to me.  

Call it cheap that's fine, I call it entitlement when someone thinks that simply because of my financial position or my gender that they are owed certain considerations by default.  That isn't at all the case.  Posts like this make me grateful that I am married.  On my wife and I's first date she made a genuine offer to pay and now we have been together almost 20 years.  We have equal access to and share all funds but are accountable to each other for large purchases.