Dating an ugly guy

[Cherylyn]

I would concentrate on the disagreements you have with him and work on that. 

It's not weird for you not to date a better looking guy.  Do what you want. 

When you mentioned that he has good qualities but not perfect,  are his semi-good qualities sufficient or do you want more in a man? 

Focus on character. 

If looks are an issue for you,  be with a guy who has the best of both worlds such as character and good looks. 

Never settle.  If his looks causes you to feel doubtful or anxious in anyway,  these doubts will become more pronounced over time such as weeks,  months or years.  If looks truly don't matter to you,  then maintain your relationship with him and be happy. 

[Sindy_0311]

Why exactly are you attracted to him physically? Isn’t it because he reminds you of someone you knew in the past? Are you genuinely attracted to him? Because I could never call ugly someone I’m attracted to. It’s ok saying he is not fashion or very good looking, but ugly is harsh… 

AIso wouldn’t settle down. I did once, had a very good looking boyfriend but kinda boring… and with time, once the attraction of the beginning started to fade I could handle his character, it was the only thing I was seeing, so I broke up.
You should find someone you like for looks AND character, if you settle down or begin a relationship having those doubts, it will backfire for sure… IMHO

Why don’t you just drop both of these guys and wait for the one you won’t have doubts about… 

[TheCrow]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

What's more important to you...a man who you feel drawn to and who is compatible with you or a man who your friends and family will ooohh and aaahhh over because of his looks?

I dated a man who very strongly resembled a popular, sex symbol type actor. My friends oohhed and aahhhed over his looks. One so called friend even told me she was going to attempt to have sex with him because she found him so attractive, looks-wise. But he was an egotistical, sexist, bigoted oaf who had zero intellectual curiosity and who embarrassed me in public many times. I could hardly stand to be intimate with him because his personality turned me off so much. When I dumped him my friends said I was nuts. I said "then you date him!" I can't just sit and look at a man all day long. I need more than that.

I found my husband attractive despite him not being conventionally good looking. He's tall, blond and has blue eyes but his nose is a bit crooked and he has some scarring from teenage acne but I thought he was funny and smart and adorable. I'd take that over the movie star lookalike any day. 

But that's me. If you find the opinions of "society" more important than how you feel about a man then maybe you should go for the arm candy. If not, to heck with what others think!

Sorry to highjack the thread everyone, just very curious: Bolt, are you married? Or single? You keep referring to 'my husband' but then your posts read like you are single? Am just curious for some reason!

Sorry everyone!

[Daisy Brown]

16 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

Ok the title is a bit harsh. He’s not exactly ugly, but he’s not really hot - hot either. He’s more like ugly-hot. But he is charming af. And he has many other good qualities, but is not perfect ofc. We have our disagreements.

I have many options. Several of them being “perfect on paper”, hot, treating me well etc etc

But I only want this one guy, I couldn’t care less about the others 

but I feel societal pressure to date someone “in my league” or with more common interests 

Am I weird for not wanting to?

Ok I’m not sure if anybody is gonna be reading this, but I think I explained the context of the situation poorly.

So here is a better explanations:

The guy I chose is not super good looking, but he is charming, funny and sweet and we have a great time together. We have a lot in common, but also have differences. And we do have disagreements sometimes. But I care about him deeply for some reason 

The other guy is pretty much picture perfect . He is a model and actor, so very handsome. We have extremely much in common, I’d say most interests. And he is kind and considerate 

but I just don’t feel the same about him that I do about the first guy, and it was getting more serious with him so I had to make a choice as I don’t want to be playing with peoples feelings 

My question would be if I made the right choice? Choosing the one that feels the best in reality vs choosing the one that’s perfect on paper

It makes no logical sense, but that’s what I feel in my heart 

or is it bc I have feelings for guy #1 tht I don’t wanna give guy #2 a proper chance 

whats the right thing to do?

[Coily]

From the sounds of this update, you are more into the imperfect guy, and you are more thinking what if on the “handsome” guy.

I think you already know which one is better, because you are already dating him. Guy 2 is arm candy, a what if dream. Well you aren’t Barbie and neither is Ken.

On one hand I want to tell you to stop being vapid about looks, but attraction is important, and let the first guy go if you are hung up on his appearance. On the other hand, if he makes you happy and you do the same for him; ditch the hot guy and go for the gold.

[bluecastle]

20 minutes ago, Daisy Brown said:

My question would be if I made the right choice?

This is a question only you can answer—one, really, that only you should answer. That you're not sure...well, maybe that means that neither are quite right for you? Or that you're not quite in a place to be committing to one person, still eager to explore options, date without exclusivity, hone in a bit more on what it is you truly need and want in a committed relationship?

Or maybe I've got it wrong. But in my experience, whenever I've "chosen" someone it hasn't really felt like a choice so much as a clear path. 

[Daisy Brown]

10 minutes ago, Coily said:

From the sounds of this update, you are more into the imperfect guy, and you are more thinking what if on the “handsome” guy.

I think you already know which one is better, because you are already dating him. Guy 2 is arm candy, a what if dream. Well you aren’t Barbie and neither is Ken.

On one hand I want to tell you to stop being vapid about looks, but attraction is important, and let the first guy go if you are hung up on his appearance. On the other hand, if he makes you happy and you do the same for him; ditch the hot guy and go for the gold.

That’s actually solid advice! Thank you! Yeah exactly, I’m genuinely into the imperfect guy, it’s not like I’m “settling”. But I am a bit hung up on the idea of the perfect guy, exactly, a big what if.

 

[Daisy Brown]

1 minute ago, bluecastle said:

This is a question only you can answer—one, really, that only you should answer. That you're not sure...well, maybe that means that neither are quite right for you? Or that you're not quite in a place to be committing to one person, still eager to explore options, date without exclusivity, hone in a bit more on what it is you truly need and want in a committed relationship?

Or maybe I've got it wrong. But in my experience, whenever I've "chosen" someone it hasn't really felt like a choice so much as a clear path. 

It could also be my personality. I am usually unsure about my choices and if I’ve made the right one.

but like I said, in my heart I already know who I want

its just my logical mind telling me I should pick the other one. He is more of a gentleman and considerate too. We have more common interests. I just do not feel the same connection. That special feeling just is not there.. 

[itsallgrand]

9 hours ago, Jaunty said:

If you can't go with your own feelings and opinions when it comes to choosing who to date, and instead depend on "societal pressures" focussing on "leagues" and "hotness,"  I think you are not ready to be in a relationship at this point.

Just date around and have fun until you have your own values and priorities established.

I agree with this. If you aren't sure what you really want yet , take your time and date a lot of different people until you do. 

You keep saying "I have lots of other options" but do you get that choosing no one is an option too? You don't have to pick from what's in front of you right now .

It's something I noticed when I was younger. A lot of my female friends leaped right away to the first guys that showed interest. You can hang back, take a lay of the land, choose at your own pace. 

  

[SherrySher]

13 hours ago, Coily said:

The question is do you want to date him for him, or date an accessory? Do you want some shallow, vapid hot dude bro who can't rub two braincells together; or date this gent who checks a lot of your relationship needs?

Also when "societal pressure" tells you who to date, rather than who you find romantically interesting; that speaks volumes about your character.

Just out of curiosity, why does being hot mean he would be dumb? Or shallow?

She might find a really good looking guy who is also genuine and smart as heck and is also super compatible with her.

It happened to me when I met my husband. He is also the sweetest man I have ever met, and easily the hottest.

OP, don't settle. Find your ideal in every way, even if it means continuing to search.

[Daisy Brown]

9 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Just out of curiosity, why does being hot mean he would be dumb? Or shallow?

She might find a really good looking guy who is also genuine and smart as heck and is also super compatible with her.

It happened to me when I met my husband. He is also the sweetest man I have ever met, and easily the hottest.

OP, don't settle. Find your ideal in every way, even if it means continuing to search.

Yeah exactly! It seems like people hate on him as soon as they hear he’s hot. He is a great guy actually.

this is about much more than hotness, it just seem that ppl in this thread hyperdocus on that, I should have explained it differently in my initial post

[bluecastle]

14 minutes ago, Daisy Brown said:

It could also be my personality. I am usually unsure about my choices and if I’ve made the right one.

 

Are you like this when it comes to, say, what you want to eat? Or do you ever find yourself craving a burger (or whatever) and just know, the same way you know your birthday, that that’s the nourishment you need? 

I guess I just don’t think it needs to be a fraught choice—and, when it is, that’s often a sign that something is up. Or such as been my experience, especially when I was younger, when I got into a few things with my head still bouncing around.

But I say give it a bit. If in a month from now you’re still feeling itchy around the collar you’ll know this wasn’t the dude for you, and can give yourself a bit of time to find your own compass amid all the “societal” static. 

[SherrySher]

15 minutes ago, Daisy Brown said:

Yeah exactly! It seems like people hate on him as soon as they hear he’s hot. He is a great guy actually.

this is about much more than hotness, it just seem that ppl in this thread hyperdocus on that, I should have explained it differently in my initial post

Well my advice still stands.

I know it's not great being lonely or being frustrating, waiting for "the one".

But don't settle either.

If you're not 100% over the moon with your choice, then it's not the right one.

Nothing wrong with continuing to search. 

[Seraphim]

Here is a big hint . There is NO such thing as perfect . 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Daisy Brown said:

...but like I said, in my heart I already know who I want

This is all you really need to know.

Quote

its just my logical mind telling me I should...

Self honesty is a sign of maturity. There are no external 'shoulds' that can satisfy you for very long if you attempt to impose those over your own private feelings about who attracts you.

The only 'shoulds' that matter come from your own internal compass. That's how we create our own dealbreakers. For instance, I could be attracted as hell to someone who I learn has lied to me. Well, that's my own internal 'should' that says I'm not sticking around no matter how attracted I was before that.

Follow your gut, it's your second brain. EnjOy your guy!

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

Ok I’m not sure if anybody is gonna be reading this, but I think I explained the context of the situation poorly.

So here is a better explanations:

The guy I chose is not super good looking, but he is charming, funny and sweet and we have a great time together. We have a lot in common, but also have differences. And we do have disagreements sometimes. But I care about him deeply for some reason 

The other guy is pretty much picture perfect . He is a model and actor, so very handsome. We have extremely much in common, I’d say most interests. And he is kind and considerate 

but I just don’t feel the same about him that I do about the first guy, and it was getting more serious with him so I had to make a choice as I don’t want to be playing with peoples feelings 

My question would be if I made the right choice? Choosing the one that feels the best in reality vs choosing the one that’s perfect on paper

It makes no logical sense, but that’s what I feel in my heart 

or is it bc I have feelings for guy #1 tht I don’t wanna give guy #2 a proper chance 

whats the right thing to do?

It sounds like the not super good looking guy is the guy you're happy with so if it isn't broken,  don't fix it.

The other guy is handsome,  you have much in common,  shared interests,  he is very kind and considerate.  If it were me,  I'd choose this guy because he ticks all the boxes but I'm not you. 

If you continue waffling back and forth with your indecisiveness,  this is very unfair to the not so good looking guy because you're just wasting everyone's time and energy. 

If you can't make up your mind,  it's better to date neither and date again when you're certain whom you wish to date without any doubts whatsoever.  At this time,  be ready to make your final decision and make it steadfast,  unwavering and absolute.  Choose a guy and stick with it!

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

, I’m genuinely into the imperfect guy.  I am a bit hung up on the idea of the perfect guy, exactly, a big what if.

It seems like you feel more secure with "imperfect" guy. 

[arjumand]

The handsome guy you refer to as “more of a gentleman and considerate, too.” Does the less perfect person treat you well? Is he considerate? Does he treat others well? That is incredibly important. 

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

My question would be if I made the right choice? Choosing the one that feels the best in reality vs choosing the one that’s perfect on paper

This is what I thought you meant. My opinion: if you feel more attracted, more connected, to the less-conventionally-attractive guy, continue in this direction. 

4 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

is it bc I have feelings for guy #1 tht I don’t wanna give guy #2 a proper chance 

Maybe. But that's part of dating. Either option could be a crapshoot. Either could be a potential success.

It's only been a few months. You're going to be making more decisions down the line, as you get to know him more.

[MissCanuck]

I think if either of these two were really right for you, you wouldn't be having such a hard time deciding which way to go. 

My vote is is for neither. Stay single and keep dating. When the right guy comes along, you will know. You won't be feeling so conflicted. 

[Wiseman2]

21 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

Been dating a couple of months.  I went on a couple of dates with an extremely attractive man who I have lots and lots in common with. 

It seems like you're not exclusive after 2 mos, which is fine.  Are you still in touch with both of them?

Why limit yourself to only these 2 options?  They both seem just ok to you, one lacking attractiveness, the other lacking chemistry, so in effect you really don't have great choices to choose from.

Be a free agent until you meet someone who, without a doubt, floats your boat.

[Sindy_0311]

Just one more question, we don’t know whether you sleep with those guys, but thinking about it, which one gives you shivers? Which one would you like to try first. 

 

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

That’s actually solid advice! Thank you! Yeah exactly, I’m genuinely into the imperfect guy, it’s not like I’m “settling”. But I am a bit hung up on the idea of the perfect guy, exactly, a big what if.

 

If you're hung up on the perfect looking guy - he's not a perfect person -right?? - then date neither for now.  Let things sit and you'll know in your own heart and mind what is most important to you -maybe you need to get Arm Candy out of your system some -as  you know if all of a sudden you ran into Perfect Looking Guy and felt a strong spark/realized you'd been too hasty earlier you'd dump the guy you first referred to as ugly - in two seconds flat -right? 

Let's say you run across another guy who you think is perfect looking because he looks like a male model - and you feel strong sparks/lots in common -are you going to -according to your standards -upgrade -and dump not perfect looking guy? 

I married a not perfect looking guy.  I dated and had been in relationships with men who looked like male models.  When I decided to be committed to my future husband I was constantly meeting men who looked like models/as you would say "perfect looking".  I know for sure  - 100% - that even if I'd gotten to know one of them and felt a strong spark plus lots in common it would have had zero impact on me. 

No "what ifs" -even if you'd told me "imagine that a "perfect looking guy" showed up and wanted to be with you and you felt a spark what would you do? still the same exact answer.  Not a question.

That's how it should be in all aspects of a committed relationship IMO -if you have the dream of someone else or wish your partner was different from who he is and -especialy in your case -you know what you want to be different and if you happened to realize -hey I am really into perfect looking guy -then sayonara to your bf or at least you might be so tempted and wracked with doubts.  Not fair to either of you. 

[Batya33]

Also if you are with a PLG and he no longer is -maybe he gains/loses weight, ages, etc is  your head gonna turn if you see someone who is still a PLG?

I agree with Miss Canuck.

[Kenny818]

Whatever floats your boat.

I am an average-looking guy and I have dated below average women, average women, and women some people considered out of my league.  Sometimes there's just chemistry outside of physical appearance and that's fine.

I recently started dating again.  A buddy of mine is a photographer.  He introduced me to a model who he knows through a friend of a friend.  She was an easy 8/10 for me.  But I just didn't find her interesting.  Looks are important to me, but also personality and education.  Honestly, if you bring only looks to the table at this stage of life, it might not work out.  So I had two dates with her and called it quits. 

My last long-term relationship was with someone slightly above average, kind of cute but not "hot".  Maybe 6/10 but she was at least easy to talk to and spend time with.