I’m worried there’s something seriously wrong with me to be treated this way

[Frostypeach]

 

I just don’t see the point in anything anymore if everything that makes me happy, eventually hurts me

Fresh out of university, I started my first graduate job. I was very nervous to start and remember telling my friends I was worried people wouldnt like me and I’d be bad at my job. But even on the first day, I felt very uncomfortable. I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes and they seemed annoyed when I asked questions. I was shy and nervous to begin with, but I was excited and friendly. In time, when I had ideas for project things, they called me stupid and ignorant. My colleagues reported me to management because apparently I was careless with my work, but I was anxious and making weird mistakes. My anxiety became so bad, I would stumble on all my words and be a little awkward. They started having ‘team meetings’ where the whole office of 6 people were invited, except me. I listened behind the door and heard them saying all these insults, that they don’t like me and I’m too chatty and dumb. They started making out that I did things that I didn’t, which confused me because I thought I was going mad. And eventually they fired me.

A few years later, I moved into a house share with some friendly girls and guys. It was covid lockdown so we all got pretty close. One of the guys seemed very friendly with me when I moved in, he would always take me to the shops, cook me dinner, buy me little treats, and told me I was wonderful friend. Then I went through a period of work stress where I became sad and withdrawn. I never made a scene but I stopped getting invited to pub trips etc. the guy who initially was friends with me, would completely ignore me in the kitchen and over text, even when I tried to see how he was. I asked what I had done wrong, again I was ignored. I got the complete silent treatment. So I started doing things for my housemates like driving them to work, cooking for them, cleaning the whole house. I felt everyone hated me so I moved out. They all seemed quite scared of the guy who was being horrible to me 

Luckily a few months later, I forgot about it all. Met a guy on a dating app who really liked me. Soppy messages, compliments and texting me non stop. No one has ever been so nice. He was so nice and as I needed a place to live, I moved to another house share in his town with two girls. 

. Was an exciting time. But I had to plan all the dates, he never made effort. And then 7 months in, he completely changed. I was criticised all the time, he would sigh at me, would change the subject when I needed a chat about concerns, told me I didn’t get sarcasm, that I was annoying.he gave me evil dirty looks. I asked for effort From his side. When I got upset, he didn’t care at all. I still did so much for him, I didn’t understand why he had changed. And then he dumped me on the pho

 

Now I feel hurt and I don’t trust anyone. I feel like everyone hates me. I’m a very sensitive and kind person, and I would never do anything to hurt anyone intentionally.

[Batya33]

My sense is you're making choices that involve putting on an act, being fake/people pleasing and that puts people off.  Moving in with someone you just started dating just for convenience likely was too much too soon.  Even if it was a share house.

That first place you worked sounds like a toxic environment and I also wonder what their version would be -like -what kind of mistakes? Repetitive mistakes? What did you do to try to improve and not make mistakes? We all get anxious and yet at work we have to do what it takes to get the job done and get it done accurately.  For example -let's say someone sends you multiple emails with information.  Then calls you and says "ok the email with the accurate information was sent at 10:32am so ignore the one from 10:37 am and the ones I sent earlier also contain information that might be helpful ok bye!"  So that likely is really anxiety provoking for anyone - I mean who looks at time stamps and what if the time stamp is confusing, etc and you mistakenly use wrong info.

So -if you let your anxiety overwhelm you then you'll either (1) freeze and do nothing and not get the work done on time or (2) scramble to piece together all the various emails with all the bits of info and get it wrong; or (3) call the person back and sputter and stutter and ask him to repeat all of that again

But if you take a deep breath and take a reasonable approach then most likely you will call or email the person and say "thanks so much for the emails. can you do me a favor and please send me one email that contains all the accurate information I need cut and pasted from the other emails as well as any additional information I will need? I want to get this right and if it is all in one place that would be so very helpful.  Thanks!"

This last option requires:  a clear head, the confidence that it's fine to ask for the person to do some reformatting/cutting/pasting (because you will know that it's really problematic to expect you to make heads or tails of what info you really need for the project), and then the focus to work on the project once you receive the email.

As far as ideas for projects -again no one should call you names(!!) but you have to hol back a bit and try to read the room /get a feel for the office environment especially as the newbie- was it your job to throw out ideas for new projects or new approaches? What was your timing? Also if you keep making mistakes your focus should be on the work you have -getting it right- not trying to show off with new ideas (unless you are paid to come up with new projects).  

Good luck and I hope you feel better!

[Kwothe28]

37 minutes ago, Frostypeach said:

I just don’t see the point in anything anymore if everything that makes me happy, eventually hurts me

 

Why does your hapiness depends on your coworkers? Or roomates? Or some narcissistic ex?(Yeah, remembered username so saw all your threads about that guy). Why cant you be happy and content with yourself? Doing stuff you enjoy? Even by yourself?

Dont get me wrong, we humans are social beings by nature and ofcourse that we have it in our nature to socialize. But sorry, you seem desperate to do it. And nobody likes "desperate". Not our partners, not our friends, not even our coworkers. As you noticed lots of people will just not care about you nore that they will hurt you. If they smell "desperate" they will use you. For tasks nobody would want to do at work, for driving around, for paying for stuff on dates like your ex did. And they will do it just because they can. So you need to stop being like that. And the best way to do that is to first be contempt by yourself. That way you will feel more confidence, and maybe even be more assertive. So next time you will be better when it comes to social interaction. Because we teach people how they treat us. And you allowed all three groups to just stomp you. And that will need to change.

Also, have you thought about or tried therapy? It might solve some issues and teach you to be more assertive.

[Frostypeach]

I have tried therapy but it made me think about my ex more. I focus on my hobbies and things. I’ve stopped people pleasing but with that I feel unfriendly and even at work people said I could be friendlier. People pleasing was my way of being friendly I think, not out of desperation, but because I want to be friends. The things I did for my ex weren’t out of desperation either, I genuinely enjoyed doing things for him and planning stuff, it felt fun. I don’t know if he was a narcissist, I think he was just lonely 
 

yes all three groups stomped on me and there was an additional group that the same hing happened to lately so I’m like enough is enough. I hope I’m just not a loser. 

[Batya33]

So let's see- you were with the wrong therapist and/or you didn't communicate effectively with your therapist.  Why do you have to be "friendly" at work or make friends at work? I mean sure it's nice if you do but it's..... work!  People pleasing is mostly self-absorbed as opposed to friendly.  You have some interesting notions about interacting with people.  Perhaps consider your expectations and whether they are realistic.

[Frostypeach]

Hope I’m not seriously broken. I just find it so hard as an adult to make and feel genuine connections. It’s like I can’t do it like I used to At college or school 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Frostypeach said:

Hope I’m not seriously broken. I just find it so hard as an adult to make and feel genuine connections. It’s like I can’t do it like I used to At college or school 

School is a very different social environment.  Why do you assume you are "seriously" broken because you've had some bad experiences making friends at work (which is never easy) and encountering some people who act like jerks?

[boltnrun]

I seldom make friends at work. I am pleasant and professional, but not trying to make friends. And not doing things for people like favors and chores. Doing those things actually cause people to believe you're a pushover and don't have a backbone so some will try to take advantage. 

Someone at work wants coffee? I don't rush to bring them one or offer to run to the coffee house unless I was intending to go already. I don't organize anyone's work area or offer to do their tasks. I don't offer rides or do errands for them. That would be viewed as overkill, TBH.

At work, be cordial and do your tasks efficiently. If you have questions of course ask, but try not to ask the same question multiple times (I take notes when I know it's something I'll be doing again). And try not to be so worried about being perfect you end up missing deadlines. 

Where are you living now? With family? It seems like maybe a house share isn't the right fit for you (I know I couldn't do well in that kind of environment). Can you live with family or in your own place?

I'm sorry you're feeling down. I strongly recommend finding a new therapist. If talking about your ex upsets you, that could be an indication you have some unresolved turmoil you should deal with. It could be really helpful to get past that and put it behind you. 

[Lambert]

I think at some point, you have to be truer to yourself.  Sounds like you try to go with the flow and make the effort, but you never really evaluate whether or not the people are actually worthy of your efforts.

That first job with all the criticism for a new hire and a young, inexperienced, just out of school one at that, was not a good company.  

The housemates in the house share during covid, don't sound like they were true friends.  If you are having a tough time of things and wanting to be alone, true friends understand and support you.

The boyfriend might have been cool at first, but you jumped in too quickly, moving to a house share with him. That's going to be too much pressure on a new relationship.

The best thing you can do is work to get yourself settled on your own two feet.  Look at things from a more strategic and professional perspective.  If you are at work-- focus on work.  If you must have roommates, look at as a cost savings place to live, not a social network. 

Work and save to live on your own.  Then you can make friends that involve people you have actual interests in common with-- not out of convenience of location. Of course, some people make friends easily where they live and work, but those are side benefits.  Not the reason for being there.  

[Jaunty]

I strongly suggest therapy, and that you hold yourself accountable to STICK WITH IT even when you feel (and you will) like it's not working or even making you feel worse.

You're very dependent on outside sources for your sense of self.  This is no way to live.  You can learn how to know who you are and function in healthy ways even if the people around you are not giving you anything you need.   

Take care.

[Tinydance]

I could be wrong but you mentioned you're too sensitive. I was thinking maybe that's actually part of the problem but in the sense that you take everything to heart and quite personally.

The thing is that while most people are good, there are still some bad eggs out there. And most people will come across them at some point. Also *some* bad things happen to most people. If I started thinking about it, I could actually come up with examples exactly the same as you gave from my own life. 

For example, when I was younger I worked as a Christmas casual at a cheaper line handbag shop and all the staff there were female and they were all nasty and catty. They'd do things like always send me to take the garbage and recycling out because they didn't want to do it. The recycling dock was in the basement of the shopping centre (mall) so it took me longer there and back. One time the boss pulled me aside and said those women made a complaint about me to her because I was "gone too long" on my garbage trip lol Oh and one of those women was 41 and she had kids and she was the one who complained about me. So mature 🤣

I actually don't think that there's anything wrong with you necessarily but things just don't always go our way. For example, one of my friends was renting a house during lockdown. The roommates did drugs and partied. She didn't want to do that but she was always really friendly to them. Then they said to her: "We don't think you fit in here so it might be best you move out".

I don't think you should think that every bad thing that happens to you is always something bad about you. You need to keep in mind too that not all people end up being friends and not all romantic relationships work out. Often housemates are friendly at first because it's a new person and they're trying to make a good impression. Then when they realise maybe you don't necessarily click, they just go about their own life. Just because you don't connect with someone doesn't actually mean there's anything wrong with you or them.

What I would examine though is whether you might be coming on too strong? So in a sense, yes, if you have that desperation vibe? It's good to be nice but when you're always doing things like give your housemates lifts, cook for them, buy presents, etc., it just seems like you're trying too hard.

[Wiseman2]

On 1/2/2023 at 7:33 PM, Frostypeach said:

. I’m diagnosed with depression but trying to work on that. 

The best thing you can do is make an appointment with your physician and get an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Are you working currently? Do you have medical insurance? What is your current living situation? Parents, roommates, your own place?

The number one thing is to get optimal treatment for the depression. 

[Frostypeach]

Oops I didn’t make that clear. I didn’t move in with him, I just didn’t have anywhere to live and I worked in his town remotely, so I moved into a house hare with girls, not with him. That would have been way too soon. 

[Jibralta]

I don't think anything is wrong with you. I think your poor self esteem is creating a lot of unnecessary interference for you. It seems like a simple problem to solve (just build confidence, duh!), but it's really very tricky. What do you do when your poor self esteem causes you to second-guess yourself, behave awkwardly, and alienate other people? It's an ingrained, subconscious habit that is tough to break. 

The interesting thing about this is that when you second-guess yourself, you actually alienate yourself from yourself. So you don't even know who you are, and of course everyone else feels weird and alienated around you. You react without thinking.

So, my recommendation is that for each new experience and introduction, pause for a beat. Don't just automatically react. Make it a new habit to take a moment, to take your time. It won't be long before you start to develop a sense of yourself and what you want. Once that starts to happen, your communication and interaction will flow more naturally and these problems will disappear. 

[Batya33]

Maybe this will help -thanks to Jibralta's post which reminded me! When I was in my new very intense job in my late 20s after grad school I lacked confidence and as a result I was wayyyy too chatty -chattiness triggered by nervousness.  It was a cliquey high schoolish atmosphere and I was there all hours -no teleworking really in 1994.  I turned a lot of people off with my chattiness. I was not gossipy, or mean or anything -in fact I was "too nice."  People excluded me, etc.  I wanted to be liked, popular, was  perfectionist.

I got some tough love from an SO who said bluntly to me -this is my now husband -we dated back then -worked at the same company -he told me Iwas too chatty. He said it kindly but firmly.  It resonated -it clicked.  Yup.  Once I practiced not being chatty- walking with confidence, being more discreet with my personal stuff, not showing my nervousness - people were far far far more drawn to me for the right reasons -they respected me, gave me better work, etc.

Here's another thing that helped me then and in general I think works. I found a sort of mentor at that company. She was at least 10 years older than me -she was not part of the cliques -she was not part of my summer intern class who returned full time -she was new to the company too but - confident, settled, knew her stuff and was not arrogant -quiet, reserved, bookish and kind. 

She let me help her on projects and provided the sort of guidance and input that is direct but also constructive criticism.  We also had personal conversations - we were friendly (again -not good friends as far as our age and stage difference sort of hampered that) - she shared with me parts of her personal life and I with mine but nothing "scandalous" -she was a very traditional person with home grown values -never gossiped.  This was in 1995. 

We're still connected on linkedin and I am so thankful for her help back then and what I learned from her.  Try to find those sorts of people - the people who have nothing to "prove" but enjoy mentoring/training.  

[Andrina]

16 hours ago, Frostypeach said:

But I had to plan all the dates, he never made effort.

When you're dating the right person, he will make an equal effort. What should you have done? After asking him to do something, you should have sat back and waited for him to ask you out. If he didn't, then he could fade away. If he waited 3 weeks and then called, you should have told him the relationship wasn't working for you.

16 hours ago, Frostypeach said:

I was criticised all the time, he would sigh at me, would change the subject when I needed a chat about concerns, told me I didn’t get sarcasm, that I was annoying.he gave me evil dirty looks. I asked for effort From his side. When I got upset, he didn’t care at all. I still did so much for him, I didn’t understand why he had changed. And then he dumped me on the pho

A woman with a healthy self-worth would have dumped him after the first showing of his abuse. That's on you, for letting him continue to be a part of your life, when he most definitely should've been kicked to the curb.

Read some books on the practice of self-love and apply the homework. I believe your outlook will improve, you will no longer put up with BS, and that you will have greater success in your interactions with people. Good luck.

[Frostypeach]

4 minutes ago, Andrina said:

When you're dating the right person, he will make an equal effort. What should you have done? After asking him to do something, you should have sat back and waited for him to ask you out. If he didn't, then he could fade away. If he waited 3 weeks and then called, you should have told him the relationship wasn't working for you.

A woman with a healthy self-worth would have dumped him after the first showing of his abuse. That's on you, for letting him continue to be a part of your life, when he most definitely should've been kicked to the curb.

Read some books on the practice of self-love and apply the homework. I believe your outlook will improve, you will no longer put up with BS, and that you will have greater success in your interactions with people. Good luck.

He was broke though and struggling, he still texted me all day every day, just didn’t plan dates. And I did ask and then I stopped planning, but then he said I was all bad at planning and indecisive when we did things without a set plan. And then I started being all slow at replying to his messages and then he got all scared I would leave him. He promised me he would change and wanted to treat me when he could. 

[Andrina]

17 minutes ago, Frostypeach said:

He was broke though and struggling, he still texted me all day every day, just didn’t plan dates. And I did ask and then I stopped planning, but then he said I was all bad at planning and indecisive when we did things without a set plan. And then I started being all slow at replying to his messages and then he got all scared I would leave him. He promised me he would change and wanted to treat me when he could.

If you don't learn from your mistakes, you're bound to repeat them. Why is a grown man broke and struggling? He's childish and makes bad decisions.

[Frostypeach]

3 minutes ago, Andrina said:

If you don't learn from your mistakes, you're bound to repeat them. Why is a grown man broke and struggling? He's childish and makes bad decisions.

Because he immigrated abroad and doing so cost him all his life savings. And so he was starting his life from scratch

[Andrina]

Then he should have waited until he was able to get on his feet and date normally and put in effort. He saw you had low self-esteem and would settle for scraps whereas a woman with a healthy self-worth would've said, "No thanks."

[Frostypeach]

3 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Then he should have waited until he was able to get on his feet and date normally and put in effort. He saw you had low self-esteem and would settle for scraps whereas a woman with a healthy self-worth would've said, "No thanks."

I think it was more that the men I had dated who took me on dates, expected sex early on. Where as I felt in control planning all the dates and him waiting for intimacy, it made me feel safe and comfortable 

[arjumand]

Well, if you weren't ready for sex early then you were dating someone who was wrong for you. You seem to have a lot of trouble determining what you want and then standing up for it, thus you stay in bad situations where you get nothing you want and just hope things will change. This is very unhealthy and you need real help to change this. It can be changed, but you need to do the work. 

 

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, Frostypeach said:

I think it was more that the men I had dated who took me on dates, expected sex early on. Where as I felt in control planning all the dates and him waiting for intimacy, it made me feel safe and comfortable 

But how did that end up? Was it a successful relationship? 

Is being "in control" important to you?

You know if a man asks for sex earlier than you're comfortable with you can say "no". Rather than choosing someone who's in an unstable situation because you think that means you'll be able to be "in control". 

[Andrina]

So it seems his willing to wait until you were ready to be intimate and regularly texting were his only good traits. The bad outweighed the good. When you're dating someone subpar, expect subpar results. There are men who will make an effort, who plan and pay for at least half of the dates, and who are in it to build a life with you besides being intimate. The trick is to cut out the losers early to be single for when the keeper comes along.

[lostandhurt]

You are not seriously broken by the simple fact that you have reached out for help and are willing to try and work on issues in your life to make it better.  This is what we all do.

 Therapists are not all created equal and there are some very bad ones out there.  I personally know a man that became a therapist.  His life is a mess, his kids are unruly, rude animals and he has made all kinds of bad choices throughout his life and yet he thinks he is qualified to help others improve their own lives.  Therapy requires you to be brutally honest with the therapist and yourself, it requires deep reflection on where your thoughts and feelings originated and what brings them to the surface and most importantly therapy needs to challenge you with homework and self improvement tasks.

 I think it would be helpful to give therapy another try.  If you see someone and it doesn't feel right then try someone else.

In the end when we find the strength to be okay with who we are and be our true self with those around us (mistakes and flaws included) is when we find contentment and happiness.

 Lost