I’m worried there’s something seriously wrong with me to be treated this way

[Batya33]

Also people can plan perfectly lovely dates despite not having $ or enough $.  My parents had very very little money when my dad courted her in the 50s and when they were first married and he always planned and took her on dates.

[Frostypeach]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also people can plan perfectly lovely dates despite not having $ or enough $.  My parents had very very little money when my dad courted her in the 50s and when they were first married and he always planned and took her on dates.

Yeah it’s just no one ever gives me any attention. Like even since the breakup I’ve tried online dating and meeting people in real life and I just don’t get asked out. So when I met him, it was an ok compromise as I’m not a princess. I’m just scared I’ll end my 20s and the only person who has showed me interest is him 

[Batya33]

Just now, Frostypeach said:

Yeah it’s just no one ever gives me any attention. Like even since the breakup I’ve tried online dating and meeting people in real life and I just don’t get asked out. So when I met him, it was an ok compromise as I’m not a princess. I’m just scared I’ll end my 20s and the only person who has showed me interest is him 

No one gives you attention? Really? You mean since the break up no man has asked you out on a date -so that's not the same thing.  Do you find you exaggerate things a lot? What does this have to do with being a princess? Do you date royalty?That person didn't show you healthful interest past initially right? What have you done in the last week to meet people in real life- meaning an activity where people are supposed to mingle and make conversation with each other?

[Frostypeach]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

No one gives you attention? Really? You mean since the break up no man has asked you out on a date -so that's not the same thing.  Do you find you exaggerate things a lot? What does this have to do with being a princess? Do you date royalty?That person didn't show you healthful interest past initially right? What have you done in the last week to meet people in real life- meaning an activity where people are supposed to mingle and make conversation with each other?

Well I work from home so I don’t see any people in the week. Then I go to the gym and my dance class  nearby and also swipe on dating apps. I’ve never been approached in person. All my hobbies mean I don’t meet men. 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Frostypeach said:

Well I work from home so I don’t see any people in the week. Then I go to the gym and my dance class  nearby and also swipe on dating apps. I’ve never been approached in person. All my hobbies mean I don’t meet men. 

If your goal is to meet nice men and form a relationship you're going to have to expand your world. That means going to places and events where men will be present.

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, Frostypeach said:

Well I work from home so I don’t see any people in the week. Then I go to the gym and my dance class  nearby and also swipe on dating apps. I’ve never been approached in person. All my hobbies mean I don’t meet men. 

So I guess you'll have to change what you do when you're not working.  I had to in order to find a husband.  It's rare for someone to "approach" in person unless it's part of a social activity/event/volunteer work.  Perhaps you can start doing volunteer work during your lunch hour or go to a lunch hour type meetup.  You know what you call women who make excuses like this? Single lol. I approached my husband first -crossed a crowded conference room on his first day of work and said Hi.  He'd never have approached me.  I wouldn't be married to him if I hadn't done so.

[Frostypeach]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If your goal is to meet nice men and form a relationship you're going to have to expand your world. That means going to places and events where men will be present.

I really want to, but again it comes back to my current housemates don’t ask me to come on the house nights out and I don’t want to invite myself. So I don’t have anyone to do anything with. I took myself on a solo trip abroad last week but even then I was completely alone. I do everything alone. I hint to the people around me I’d like to hang out sometimes but they never offer to hang out

[boltnrun]

So what can you do to change this?

As they say, if it's important you'll find a way, if it's not you'll find an excuse.

I live alone and all of my close friends live several hundred miles away. So I joined Meetup and am also doing volunteer work. I walk my neighborhood and meet my neighbors that way. I'm going to do a few 5k walks. I attend community parades and talk to people there.

No one is going to knock on your door and ask to be your boyfriend. So like any other product, you have to market yourself and be visible. 

And don't be in a big hurry! Quality relationships take care and time. Choose the right one, not just some male human you can try to slap the label "boyfriend" on.

[Frostypeach]

43 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So what can you do to change this?

As they say, if it's important you'll find a way, if it's not you'll find an excuse.

I live alone and all of my close friends live several hundred miles away. So I joined Meetup and am also doing volunteer work. I walk my neighborhood and meet my neighbors that way. I'm going to do a few 5k walks. I attend community parades and talk to people there.

No one is going to knock on your door and ask to be your boyfriend. So like any other product, you have to market yourself and be visible. 

And don't be in a big hurry! Quality relationships take care and time. Choose the right one, not just some male human you can try to slap the label "boyfriend" on.

I just feel so uncomfortable living in a house share. My hobby is cooking and baking but I just get take out so I don’t take up too much space or annoy anyone in kitchen. And with that, I just don’t feel like doing much or going places. I love art and music and can’t even do that in my house 

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Frostypeach said:

I just feel so uncomfortable living in a house share. My hobby is cooking and baking but I just get take out so I don’t take up too much space or annoy anyone in kitchen. And with that, I just don’t feel like doing much or going places. I love art and music and can’t even do that in my house 

So are you saying you're unwilling to make any effort to meet people?

If so, it's going to be really difficult for you to find what you say you're looking for. 

Remember, if it's important you'll find a way, if not you'll find an excuse. I see a lot of excuses. 

[Jaunty]

7 hours ago, Frostypeach said:

Yeah it’s just no one ever gives me any attention. Like even since the breakup I’ve tried online dating and meeting people in real life and I just don’t get asked out. So when I met him, it was an ok compromise as I’m not a princess. I’m just scared I’ll end my 20s and the only person who has showed me interest is him 

You've been saying this about the guy over a few different threads.

Get over him.  He was awful, according to your posts.  Being with someone who is awful is not an "ok compromise."   You can have a much better life on your own than with a man who treats you poorly.  

You need help to make some changes.   A different mindset is needed in order to create a fulfilling life for yourself; one that doesn't feature much rumination about how much attention you get from other people, or how you won't/ can't do things you love because you don't want to annoy other people.     

[catfeeder]

21 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Just because you don't connect with someone doesn't actually mean there's anything wrong with you or them.

I agree with this, OP, except in the case of the work culture you described. Any business that would tolerate a person being ostracized and gossiped about is NOT a professional environment, it's a sick one.

That problem starts with one who is insecure enough to believe that putting down someone else somehow elevates them, and the only people who would respond to that favorably are ones with the same problem. It's sad, really. Any boss who would put up with that deserves the unfortunate culture they've created.

But to the point above, it might help to depersonalize a lack of connection--with anyone--by thinking of two puzzle pieces that don't fit together. Neither one is 'wrong' or bad or deficient. Both are perfect for their own place in the scheme of things, they just don't go with one another.

Head high, and my heart goes out to you. Write more if it helps.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Frostypeach said:

I just feel so uncomfortable living in a house share. 

Why not start researching affordable housing situations? Is your lease month-to-month? It seems like your living arrangements aren't happy and in fact are stressing you out.

[TheRawTruth]

19 hours ago, Frostypeach said:

He was broke though and struggling, he still texted me all day every day, just didn’t plan dates. And I did ask and then I stopped planning, but then he said I was all bad at planning and indecisive when we did things without a set plan. And then I started being all slow at replying to his messages and then he got all scared I would leave him. He promised me he would change and wanted to treat me when he could. 

OK. On one hand (in your initial post) you complained that he made no effort, and didn't plan any dates. But in this comment, you're minimizing it (and even justifying it) by saying he was broke and struggling. i.e. "So of COURSE he couldn't plan dates!" (So then why complain to begin with?) But I digress. Let me get to the important part...

When you started backing away, he got scared that you would leave and told you he would change. The question is, DID he? You gotta hold a person's feet to the fire when they do that. If he changed temporarily, but then started slacking again, you should've backed off again. If he DIDN'T change for the better (at ALL) then it should have NEVER GOTTEN to the point where he was able to break up with YOU. You should have dumped HIM long before that, INSTEAD of continuing to do things for him. If he's being a jerk, why are you continuing to kiss his ass? Were you hoping he would see your effort and reciprocate?

Listen. ALL guys like him promise to change when they see a girl slipping away. Then they revert back to the same douchebag they were before, once they get comfortable again. This is textbook behavior. He's not unique. He's predictable. And in this case, once he got comfortable, and knew you wouldn't actually leave him, he stopped pretending. That's why he didn't care when you'd get upset. He was no longer afraid that you were slipping away so he treated you poorly without a care in the world. (In short, he was an ass.) Your mistake was allowing him to behave that way without any consequences.

All in all, I don't believe you're a bad person. Nor will I condemn you for wanting people to like you. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be included in things and have friends. But you can't allow yourself to be disrespected just for the privilege. No. Their friendship is not a prize that you must earn by letting them walk all over you. You might be afraid that by standing up for yourself it will piss them off and/or LOSE you their friendship. But if that happens, is that really the type of friend you want in your life?

[Tinydance]

Look I think the problem might be is you take any form of rejection, even small, very badly. EVERYONE will get rejection in life. Unfortunately you just can't avoid it. Also you actually need to start doing something in order for something to happen. There is that saying: "no pain, no gain".

I think if you want to hang out with people then you might need to invite them out yourself. Don't wait for them because you could be waiting a while. Whatever activities you like to do, invite your housemates to do them with you. If they decline, that's OK, just go and do things on your own. There are actually plenty of ways to make friends or even meet guys. There are all sorts of Groups on Meetup.com and you can find all kinds of groups and activities on the Internet. If you like to bake you could even go to baking classes. 

What kind of dancing do you do? There are many different types of dancing which require you to dance with a male partner. Salsa, swing, ballroom. Why don't you join a dance class that also has guys there?

[Batya33]

17 hours ago, Frostypeach said:

I just feel so uncomfortable living in a house share. My hobby is cooking and baking but I just get take out so I don’t take up too much space or annoy anyone in kitchen. And with that, I just don’t feel like doing much or going places. I love art and music and can’t even do that in my house 

Excuses.  You don't want it badly enough is my impression.  I was in the dating and social trenches for 24 years on and off.  Even when I didn't feel like it.  Some nights I told myself "commit to staying [at the event] 45 minutes and talk to at least 3 people then you can leave and go home and eat frosted flakes mixed with granola and milk"  I have done that this year in the context of meeting the parents at my son's new school.  They do a twice a month parent walk in the park after drop off. 

This meant for me: showering/doing hair and makeup of some sort pre-drop off (while also making my son get up and ready), bundling up because it didn't start till 20 minutes after drop off, socializing with strangers, then delaying the start of my work day and or errands and or like me time/breathing time - and I forced myself.  Especially given the years of the pandemic when doing that still meant masking at times, etc. 

I went all 4 times in the first semester and spoke to several people and connected somewhat with a few.  It was really the last thing I wanted to do at 8:30 am after being up at 5. 

But it was good for me to get out there and socialize, good for my son for me to network, good for me to network in case I ever have to look for another job. 

I'm 56 and if I can do this and put in the time (a total of approx 2 extra hours) I mean come on of course you can.  I've done this sort of thing -forcing myself -showing up -countless times over the past 42 years especially.  Get out of your comfort zone -I had to so many times and almost always it's worth it. 

My 14 year old just returned yesterday from a 4 night overnight with his classmates. 

He: is an only child, shy, short, never ever spent even one night away from us- even with family! -never had a sleepover! - it took months to convince him and work with him to get him to agree to go.

He was scared about all sorts of things and as a pandemic kid his 5th grade trip was cancelled.  4 nights for a kid who's never been away and this place was a 5 hour drive plus a twice a day ferry to an island!  It was a struggle!

Many texts begging us to pick him up -all sorts of resolvable reasons.  We didn't.  We stayed the course- he stayed the course. By the 4th day he was far more in the groove.  Then it was time to leave lol. 

He learned so much I can't even list it all here.  He made all sorts of excuses like you but he did this.  He's so proud of himself -and now he can do it again most likely.  He's 14.  So if he can you can.

It's even more than going on a date what he did -all the fears he had to get over, all the adjustments with his classmates he just met in August but many of whom have known each other now for 8 years! Can you imagine? It is the perfect example IMO and not just me bragging about my teenager - but honestly I am so proud of him.  Get yourself proud of yourself -stop the excuses. 

[ILSA]

I just posted for the first time and was reading through some of the posts. Your post resonated with me so much. Not in any way trying to steer the conversation in a different direction, but once I found out what my Meyers-Briggs personality type was, something clicked. Many people with my personality type feel a lot of the same things I do, according to posts that I read online.

I experience a lot of what you do. I give my heart, my soul. People always have told me "I have a light" and yet, I experience so many confusing difficulties with people, without any logic that I can decipher. It is true, that getting a GOOD therapist is a good start. I also need to find a good one, because in the last few months, I spoke to two different ones, and they were not a good fit. You are not the only one that feels misunderstood, maligned and confused. Look into the Meyers-Briggs (if you haven't already) and see if it resonates. Just wanted to let you know, you are not the only one. This has happened to me in my romantic relationships, some of my friendships, and even some acquaintances. I too, am very sensitive and kind. I wish you the best.

[smackie9]

I understand why it's happening...if you are awkward/insecure you mess up because of the anxiety. Unfortunately there are people who take advantage of that, because you are vulnerable emotionally. But then when you stiffen up, you seem standoffish to those around you, you just can't win. You struggle socially and it's hard to be acceptable when anxieties are part of your daily life. I worked with lots like this. And yes some coworkers, especially a tight knit group don't like anyone that isn't like them. I have been in hostile work environments myself and it's awful, BUT not every place is like this. If you want people to understand you/figure you out, you might want to try being honest with one or two coworkers about your struggles. I hope there are some that are compassionate enough to stick by you and make you relax more. Behavioral therapy might be the ticket. That's what one of my coworkers did, and it helped her immensely. She was able to enjoy a new job, found a BF that treated her with respect, so happy with her life.