Depressed SO, Feeling Overwhelmed...

[Cynder]

I realize posting this might be futile.  My therapist is on medical leave right now and I don't currently have anyone to unload to.  I don't know if there's much I can do that I'm not already doing.  But I figured posting might help me get a different perspective on this situation.  Also, sorry if there are typos or mistakes in this post.  Grammarly doesn't work on this forum for some reason and right now I am just too tired to proofread it.  I'm visually impaired and read really slow.  Sorry...

My bf and I have been together for 5ish months now.  But we were friends for 5 years before we started dating.  Bottom line here is I've known him a while.  And I've always been aware of his mental health issues.  I would never judge anyone for that.  He is self aware enough to know he has issues and is seeing multiple therapists.  (Talk therapy/CBT and Ketamine Therapy.)  He has Major Depressive disorder and PTSD.  He is also transgender.  I'm mentioning this because it comes up later. 

On NYE a pet he was really attached to died really suddenly, and he took this really hard, as most people would.  But since then it's snowballed.  There have been other issues he is dealing with.  He is under a lot of financial stress.  And there are other things I'm just not going into detail about because I don't want this post to get too long and complicated. 

The other night we had this really long conversation where he told me a lot of things about his past that he hasn't told me before.  None of it was shady or anything.  It was just stuff he doesn't tell a lot of people.  And he sent me a pic of a scar on his lower abdomen.  He said it was from 20 years ago when he stabbed himself.  He did it because he thought the physical pain would distract him from the obsessive gender dysphoria he was trying to cope with.  He told me he is telling me this stuff because he is really comfortable with me and wants me to know everything. 

So...  this isn't my first time in a relationship with a depressed person.  And I have Major Depressive Disorder too, so I've been the depressed person in the relationship.  Lately, it's gotten to the point where I just don't know what to say anymore.  I feel like there's only so many things I can say to him, and soon it's going to feel like I'm just repeating the same stock responses.  He talks about how worthless he feels.  I remind him of all the good he does for others, his son, animals, etc.  Over the last few days he's been talking about giving up and just doing whatever he can do to keep the peace in his life.  He's also been saying he feels like everything is foggy. 

I am genuinely worried about him. I hate seeing him like this. And I don't know what to do/say.  I know that nothing I say is just going to make it go away because that's just not how depression works.  It's also getting a little exhausting being in this position.  I am not the only person he has to lean on.  It's not like that.  But it does get to be overwhelming some days.  Not saying I can't take it.  It's just hard to take sometimes.  No one wants to see someone they love in pain. 

At around 4:00 this morning we were texting and he was talking about this festival that's coming up.  He sent me a link to it.  And I said, "Yea. that's the one I'm doing in a few weeks."  And he answered, "I'm still doing it with you, right?" I told him Yes.  He sent me three texts after that in a row.  First one, "I miss you."  Second one, "I'm so messed up right now.  Please bear with me."  Third one, "I'm going to sleep.  Just know I love you." 

Ok...  I might be overthinking things.  But "Just know I love you." kinda seemed off.  Normally when he says good night he just says I love you.  Just know I love you almost gives off vibes like, "Hey if anything bad happens, just know I love you."  I texted back and told him goodnight and that I love him too.  But then I also said "I'm worried about you."  I just keep thinking of him doing something drastic. Like what if he tries to hurt himself.  Or what if he starts using again?  He's been clean since 2005, so his chances of relapsing are pretty low.  But it's still possible. 

So, any thoughts are welcome here (Unless you're just going to tell me to dump him and go find someone "normal.")  I hate this because I've been where he is, and I know what it feels like.  And I know I can't do anything that I'm not already doing.  And what I am doing probably isn't helping. 

Thanks in advance. 

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, Cynder said:

I just keep thinking of him doing something drastic. Like what if he tries to hurt himself.  Or what if he starts using again?  He's been clean since 2005, so his chances of relapsing are pretty low.  But it's still possible. 

So, any thoughts are welcome here (Unless you're just going to tell me to dump him and go find someone "normal.")  I hate this because I've been where he is, and I know what it feels like.  And I know I can't do anything that I'm not already doing.  And what I am doing probably isn't helping. 

I don't think there is anything that you can do for him but empathize and let him know you're there. Unfortunately, being his girlfriend, and being involved with him on this deep emotional level makes you vulnerable to being hurt by any negative action he takes. It's just the way it is.

[smackie9]

I think what he means is, he knows he's been dumping hard on you, and knows how it must be hurting you...that's why he felt he needed to remind you that he loves you.

Negative feelings and thoughts are difficult to dismiss. Has your therapist taught you coping skills or any methods to help cope? Talking it out is ok, but not enough for people who suffer with clinical depression. Therapy is helpful, but not so much when it becomes a dependency. Maybe your therapist should do more for you. As they say the squeaky wheel gets the grease. 

Your BF has made you a dependency because he doesn't know any better and it's unfair to you. being supportive is doable, but not when it's a main focus. He sounds like he really needs to get professional help, like maybe seeing a grief counselor. If he's desperate there are free crisis hotlines he can use. He does need a gentle talking to, to reach some kind of agreement on when either one of you can just say, sorry not today dear, I'm having a bad day too. Maybe we can just go for a walk and talk about other things. 

[Seraphim]

I am sorry to hear that Cynder. I am going through similar issues with my husband since a brain injury and harassment at work. He was hospitalized last week. I hope that the both of you get the help you need and deserve . 

[MissCanuck]

Has he got any family members nearby you could ask to check in on him as well?

If you have concerns about self-harm, it might be a good idea to discreetly express your concern to someone else who is close to him. 

 

[Cynder]

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I don't think there is anything that you can do for him but empathize and let him know you're there. Unfortunately, being his girlfriend, and being involved with him on this deep emotional level makes you vulnerable to being hurt by any negative action he takes. It's just the way it is.

Yea...  And I knew that going in, too.  So it's not like this is new territory. 

I will say, that at least he isn't weaponizing his depression.  In the past that's been my experience with other people. 

He never answered when I said I was worried about him, and then I woke up to a text from him that said, "I'm worried about myself too."  I said, "You're not thinking of doing anything drastic are you?"  He says he isn't and he also says he would tell me if he was.  And I believe him. 

[SooSad33]

Yes, being around someone who also suffers with these mental health issue's is draining, for sure 😕 .

And I know you are doing all YOU can in this - but it will add up on you and exhaust you in the end.... you know this, right?  So, yes you really care - but how much can you actually take in this? ( Of course ppl will mention you remove yourself from this challenge - because we do need to consider our own selves in these situations).

The worst place to be is in your own head 😕 .. Yeah.

So, he does work?  How about more 'natural' ways to help him along?  Like B vitamins helps 'boost' a persons energy, etc.  And helps with depression.  Is good he's in therapy, I always found that helps.

Anyways, YOU can only do so much. As I tell my own kids.. you need to try and NOT lose yourself in all life challenges you with. ( I ended up mentally & emotionally exhausted..) I had to learn my own 'limits'.  Those that challenge me mentally & are toxic, I do avoid. My friend circle is small and I am not involved.  I do not have the 'energy' necessary for it.

So.. maybe it is best to truly think twice on what you're involved in.  People do care and people try their best to help other's, but we also have our limits.

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Has he got any family members nearby you could ask to check in on him as well?

If you have concerns about self-harm, it might be a good idea to discreetly express your concern to someone else who is close to him. 

 

Well, none of his actual bio family lives near us.  Most of them are still in Germany. He has a brother here in the US but he lives about a thousand miles away and they aren't close.  But there are people nearby he is close to that I know, as well.  (This next sentence is going to read pretty weird if you don't know our situation...)  But I thought about messaging his husband (Polyamorous marriage, husband knows about me.  No one is cheating) His husband and I get along really well, also.  So I've thought about messaging him and asking him if he's worried too.  But I haven't because I don't want my bf to think we are talking behind his back or ganging up on him.  I mean, he's a rational person.  He knows we both love him and are worried about him.  But depression can make a rational person irrational. 

[Cynder]

23 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes, being around someone who also suffers with these mental health issue's is draining, for sure 😕 .

And I know you are doing all YOU can in this - but it will add up on you and exhaust you in the end.... you know this, right?  So, yes you really care - but how much can you actually take in this? ( Of course ppl will mention you remove yourself from this challenge - because we do need to consider our own selves in these situations).

The worst place to be is in your own head 😕 .. Yeah.

So, he does work?  How about more 'natural' ways to help him along?  Like B vitamins helps 'boost' a persons energy, etc.  And helps with depression.  Is good he's in therapy, I always found that helps.

Anyways, YOU can only do so much. As I tell my own kids.. you need to try and NOT lose yourself in all life challenges you with. ( I ended up mentally & emotionally exhausted..) I had to learn my own 'limits'.  Those that challenge me mentally & are toxic, I do avoid. My friend circle is small and I am not involved.  I do not have the 'energy' necessary for it.

So.. maybe it is best to truly think twice on what you're involved in.  People do care and people try their best to help other's, but we also have our limits.

I've been trying to do as much self care as possible lately, but not to the point where it gets in the way of things that need to be done, etc. 

You asked if he works.  Do you mean does he work at a job or do you mean does he work on his mental health? 

He was one of the few people who was there for me when I was going through the worst time of my life.  I owe it to him. 

 

[SooSad33]

15 minutes ago, Cynder said:

You asked if he works.  Do you mean does he work at a job or do you mean does he work on his mental health? 

He was one of the few people who was there for me when I was going through the worst time of my life.  I owe it to him. 

Yes, I meant does he do actual work - a job. One of my kids was put on a disability because he was unable to keep a job, due to his mental challenges , inability to sleep properly, etc. Although he did try for a time. 

As for 'owing' him this.  No, you don't truly owe him anything, lol.  Point is you care enough for him and want to be there for him this way.  I've been there for many people and some have also been there for me.  No one owes me anything though, nor do I owe them. 😉 

 

32 minutes ago, Cynder said:

His husband and I get along really well, also.  So I've thought about messaging him and asking him if he's worried too.  But I haven't because I don't want my bf to think we are talking behind his back or ganging up on him.

It might be an idea.. to at least feel you CAN reach out to someone else who does know him well and who can give you their input, etc.

I've had to do this re my ex.  he's caused distress with his kids & they've spoken to me a few times on their concerns ( eg. he's causing a distance due to his behaviour - so he's placing himself into a corner, sort of thing - which is causing a form of 'self isolation').

Anyways, I have had to speak with my parents about all of this - needing their thoughts & support and Im to the point I've contacted police on whether to approach this now and how - they've given me a few options like consider getting him committed - by force ( analyzed in a hospital by the psychiatrist), to bringing in a 'crisis team' to speak with him. I have mentioned to authorities that I want him to see & understand that people are reacting now out of concern and like you said, we're not out to get him or anything.

[Cynder]

2 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes, I meant does he do actual work - a job. One of my kids was put on a disability because he was unable to keep a job, due to his mental challenges , inability to sleep properly, etc. Although he did try for a time. 

As for 'owing' him this.  No, you don't truly owe him anything, lol.  Point is you care enough for him and want to be there for him this way.  I've been there for many people and some have also been there for me.  No one owes me anything though, nor do I owe them. 😉 

 

It might be an idea.. to at least feel you CAN reach out to someone else who does know him well and who can give you their input, etc.

I've had to do this re my ex.  he's caused distress with his kids & they've spoken to me a few times on their concerns ( eg. he's causing a distance due to his behaviour - so he's placing himself into a corner, sort of thing - which is causing a form of 'self isolation').

Anyways, I have had to speak with my parents about all of this - needing their thoughts & support and Im to the point I've contacted police on whether to approach this now and how - they've given me a few options like consider getting him committed - by force ( analyzed in a hospital by the psychiatrist), to bringing in a 'crisis team' to speak with him. I have mentioned to authorities that I want him to see & understand that people are reacting now out of concern and like you said, we're not out to get him or anything.

Well, I'm not only there for him now because I feel like I owe it to him.  Even if my issues never happened and I had lived a perfectly happy life, I would still be there for him now because I love him.  But the fact that he was there for me in August/September of 2021 when I was the closest to ending myself that I've ever been...  That makes me want to help even more.  Does that make sense?  I'm sure there were times he was talking me through a bad spell when he could have been spending time with his husband or with his son, etc.  But he was choosing to give his time to me.  And we weren't even together then.  We were just friends at that time. 

As far as his employment status...  He has never been a 9-5 person.  He doesn't have a traditional 8 hour a day job that he goes to 5 days a week, etc.  He works a lot of part time/temporary jobs.  He is a grounds keeper for an office park.  He works security at various events.  He cleans out dead people's house after they die (And foreclosed houses when people just up and left, etc.)  He does remodeling work occasionally, etc.  He is someone who is very industrious and is also fortunate enough to know a lot of business owners who will just hire him to do whatever they need done when they need it.  I know there are probably some people reading this and judging him for living this way.  But if I could drive I would live this way too.  Going to the same place for 8 hours a day and doing the same thing is soul crushing for a lot of people.  Society tells us we have to have a full time job to amount to anything.  That's not the only way to pay bills. 

But also, this is the off season for him so he's not working as much right now as he does when it's warm out.  This is something I can relate to because I work at festivals.  It's my off season as well. 

I'm sure if it's framed as reaching out out of concern he would understand.  It might even be nice to talk to someone who gets it.  I'm sure his husband is going through the same thing I'm going through, probably more so because they live together. 

There's also a woman who he calls Mom, even though she's not related to him.  She took him under her wing when he moved over here from Germany and helped him out a lot.  I thought about talking to her, too.  But she's got an old school attitude about mental health.  She is one of these, "Oh you're depressed?  Well only you can change that." people. 

[SooSad33]

8 minutes ago, Cynder said:

He works a lot of part time/temporary jobs.  He is a grounds keeper for an office park.  He works security at various events.  He cleans out dead people's house after they die (And foreclosed houses when people just up and left, etc.)  He does remodeling work occasionally, etc.  He is someone who is very industrious and is also fortunate enough to know a lot of business owners who will just hire him to do whatever they need done when they need it.  I know there are probably some people reading this and judging him for living this way.  But if I could drive I would live this way too.  Going to the same place for 8 hours a day and doing the same thing is soul crushing for a lot of people.  Society tells us we have to have a full time job to amount to anything.  That's not the only way to pay bills. 

Well that's good.  He's doing something to in ways, keep busy. Good for him, he seems to have that kind of energy 🙂 . Nah, I don't see anyone 'judging' him for that....

Wow 😕 , that's sad that 'his mom' figure thinks this way. I think my grandparents were the same way. They didn't 'get it'. So you can't get far with that.

As for you, if you are feeling better now, that's good.  Is a real challenge to do this, when feeling that low. 😕 .  Did you say  you're on anything or seeking prof help?

And as for him, I guess the best & only thing you can do is what you are doing.  You're there for him & you do your best.  But always remember you too, need your 'down time'.  To get out with friends maybe?  Take a bit of a mental break. etc. ( as you wrote for you post ' Depressed & feeling overwhelmed').

[Cynder]

6 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Well that's good.  He's doing something to in ways, keep busy. Good for him, he seems to have that kind of energy 🙂 . Nah, I don't see anyone 'judging' him for that....

Wow 😕 , that's sad that 'his mom' figure thinks this way. I think my grandparents were the same way. They didn't 'get it'. So you can't get far with that.

As for you, if you are feeling better now, that's good.  Is a real challenge to do this, when feeling that low. 😕 .  Did you say  you're on anything or seeking prof help?

And as for him, I guess the best & only thing you can do is what you are doing.  You're there for him & you do your best.  But always remember you too, need your 'down time'.  To get out with friends maybe?  Take a bit of a mental break. etc. ( as you wrote for you post ' Depressed & feeling overwhelmed').

Well, there are some really judgmental people out there.  And yes, he is someone who is always keeping busy.  He's a recovered heroin addict, too.  (18 years clean.)  And a lot of recovered addicts have this mindset.  At first, keeping busy is a way to keep from thinking about using again, etc.  And then over time it just becomes a way of life, like in his case. He is also someone who does a lot with animal rescue organizations.  He usually has foster animals at his house and stuff.    

His Mom figure is a boomer.  Not to generalize, but a lot of boomers were taught to just suck it up and deal with it.  Their parents survived the great depression so they were taught to never complain about anything.  His Mom has been good to him in so many other ways though.  I won't fault her too much for something she was taught as a child back in a different time. 

I stay on top of my own mental health pretty well.  I am in therapy but my therapist is currently on medical leave and won't be back for two more weeks.  I am also on a mild antidepressant that I've done really well on for a few years.  I meditate regularly.  I eat healthy 95% of the time (nobody's perfect.) And I've done some pretty unconventional things to help with my own depression.  Honestly the thing that has helped me the most was psychedelics.  I would be dead now if I never took that leap.  I don't use them often though.  I haven't since the summer of 2020. 

Today I'm having a self care day.  In other words, chilling alone in my room watching horror movies and eating comfort food.  I'm off work tonight so I don't even plan on changing out of my pajamas.  This is the kind of self care I do when I'm broke.  If I had the money I would probably go to the movies and go get my nails done or something. 

[SooSad33]

47 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Today I'm having a self care day.  In other words, chilling alone in my room watching horror movies and eating comfort food.  I'm off work tonight so I don't even plan on changing out of my pajamas.  This is the kind of self care I do when I'm broke.  If I had the money I would probably go to the movies and go get my nails done or something.

good stuff, self care 😉 . Sadly, I wasn't one to do so.  Always taking care of the kids etc.  Never about myself.  But I do now.  I keep busy with crafts, cleaning up my clutter & re arranging this place lately.  I also journal a lot - another form of 'getting it out'. And take my lil pooch out for walks.

I have not done therapy lately, but at one point it went on for abt 4 yrs.  And a few times before then.  I guess right now, I feel okay enough and 'manage', with knowing my limits, and the ability to 'function' a little better ( on a mood stablizer and limiting my 'people time', lol).

But is good you are doing some self care. And that you seem able to do so when needed? We all need to learn this.  As for the bf, I do hope he will come to feel a little better in time.  But maybe see if he's taking vitamins etc.  Especially if they are known to help that way.  I try to eat better nowadays and keep up with the vitamin intake.

 

 

[Cynder]

I want to update this thread...  Things haven't gotten any better.  He is still depressed but now there are other circumstances making things worse.  His power got shut off and he is currently staying with a friend until it can be turned back on.  People always say money can't buy happiness.  I don't necessarily agree with that.  True, money can't make someone happy by itself.  But it does make things a lot easier.  It's a lot easier to be happy when you don't have to worry about how your bills will be paid. 

Lately our conversations have been really one sided.  I ask him what he did today and get a one word answer like, "Survived."  I ask how he is doing and I get an answer liked, "Awake."  And then I proceed to talk about my day and anything interesting that happened to me, etc.  He told me this is because words have a lot of power and he just doesn't want to complain.  So when he doesn't have anything positive to talk about, he just doesn't say much.  I told him I don't mind him complaining and I am here to listen if he needs someone to complain to. 

I have been in his situation.  I've been the depressed person in the relationship with someone who wasn't depressed.  Most of my past partners just didn't want to hear it.  So I know exactly how not to act now because I am on the other side of it.  I also try to make him laugh whenever I can.  Him and I both have the same weird sense of humor. 

I do worry about him a lot, though.  And I worry about us as a couple.  I was talking to my therapist last night about this whole situation.  I wonder if this will mean the end of us.  Like he might end things because he needs to get his mental health in check.  I told my therapist I would be hurt if that happens, but if it's the best thing for him I would have to accept it.  I already am happy.  I want him to be happy too. 

 

[1a1a]

You already have a good perspective on this. I think while you continue to support him you will need to fill your cup elsewhere and (if you haven’t already done this) now could be a good time to brainstorm everything and everyone that makes you happy and make sure you’re scheduling a lot of those things into your day. 
 

Wishing you strength to be the rock 

[greendots]

Wishing you strength to get through this as well, Cynder. If there were only a magic word that could get him out of depression, but as you already know, no one can make him snap out of it. It's good that you're there for him. Shows how much you care. But please make sure to take care of yourself as well. You matter, too!

Is he going to therapy? Would he be able to? I'd look into it.

[Cynder]

3 minutes ago, greendots said:

Wishing you strength to get through this as well, Cynder. If there were only a magic word that could get him out of depression, but as you already know, no one can make him snap out of it. It's good that you're there for him. Shows how much you care. But please make sure to take care of yourself as well. You matter, too!

Is he going to therapy? Would he be able to? I'd look into it.

He is in therapy, yea.  He has a regular therapist who he sees for talk therapy and CBT and he also goes to Ketamine therapy every two weeks. 

I texted him last night and told him I'm thinking about participating in a 5K walk to raise money for the drug rehab center in town.  He wants to do it with me, which made me really happy.  Like most depressed people he just doesn't get excited about a lot of things lately. 

 

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, 1a1a said:

You already have a good perspective on this. I think while you continue to support him you will need to fill your cup elsewhere and (if you haven’t already done this) now could be a good time to brainstorm everything and everyone that makes you happy and make sure you’re scheduling a lot of those things into your day. 
 

Wishing you strength to be the rock 

Right now is a really busy and exciting time for my business.  That is one of my biggest cup fillers.  I also have an amazing group of friends. 

I am always there when he needs me, but I also am pretty good at recognizing when I need self care, too. 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Cynder said:

His power got shut off and he is currently staying with a friend until it can be turned back on.

I'm so sorry to hear this, Cynder. This is a rough time of year for anyone who does physical work.

Doesn't D live with his husband, and does his husband have an income? Is husband staying with same friend or are they couch surfing separately?

Does D foresee how and when this bill can be paid, at least in part enough to get his power back on? Maybe there are resources for this he can apply for?

 

[greendots]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

I texted him last night and told him I'm thinking about participating in a 5K walk to raise money for the drug rehab center in town.  He wants to do it with me, which made me really happy. 

That is great! Glad to hear that he goes to therapy as well. 🙂

[Cynder]

17 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I'm so sorry to hear this, Cynder. This is a rough time of year for anyone who does physical work.

Doesn't D live with his husband, and does his husband have an income? Is husband staying with same friend or are they couch surfing separately?

Does D foresee how and when this bill can be paid, at least in part enough to get his power back on? Maybe there are resources for this he can apply for?

 

Him and his husband and son are all staying with the same friend.  His husband is employed full time, yea.  But they live in a high cost area.  (Just for perspective, their rent is twice as much as my mortgage payment.)  I have a hard time making ends meet during this time of the year on one income.  I can't imagine how hard things would be if my bills were any higher. 

He is working on a cleaning job this week.  He does contract work for a company that cleans out dead people's houses and foreclosed houses.  When he gets paid for that job I'm sure he will be able to pay the power company.  Honestly I haven't asked a lot of questions because I know he doesn't like talking about this situation.

I've offered to do what I can to help, though. 

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

Honestly I haven't asked a lot of questions because I know he doesn't like talking about this situation.

I've offered to do what I can to help, though. 

Sounds as though you're handling this with him in the best way. I'm glad to hear that he's with his family, and that likely brings you some comfort as well.

My heart goes out to you and D. 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'm so sorry to hear this, Cynder. This is a rough time of year for anyone who does physical work.

Doesn't D live with his husband, and does his husband have an income? Is husband staying with same friend or are they couch surfing separately?

Does D foresee how and when this bill can be paid, at least in part enough to get his power back on? Maybe there are resources for this he can apply for?

 

Yes I was wondering the same.  I am sorry he is struggling and that it's so hard on you.  My father suffered from depression -was diagnosed as a teen in the 1950s, lived to age 83.  My mom was his hero as I've posted here before. She did break up with him I think right before or after they got engaged -as teens -she was a teenager and just I guess not sure how to handle mental illness (in the 1950s no less!).  They got back together shortly after and he complied with therapy and meds and hospital stays (well those were harder -to get him to  go- understandably!). 

He was a successful professional and the main breadwinner.  We did make financial sacrifices and I believe that was because he couldn't take certain better paying jobs given his vulnerabilities and illness.  But I am speculating. He did fine and my mom worked part time once we were in school, for many years.  And this was when there was so much stigma- my mom had two kids under 11 and couldn't tell even her BFFs that her husband was in the hospital for mental illness. She lied to me too -I mean - I was 6 or less. 

I do not know how she did it. Me- personally -I am glad she did it -I mean here we are right - but if she'd been my BFF as a teenager and knowing what I know I would have cautioned her against dating him let alone marrying him. It was hard on all of us.

I wish you the best in whatever you choose.  

[Cynder]

26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I was wondering the same.  I am sorry he is struggling and that it's so hard on you.  My father suffered from depression -was diagnosed as a teen in the 1950s, lived to age 83.  My mom was his hero as I've posted here before. She did break up with him I think right before or after they got engaged -as teens -she was a teenager and just I guess not sure how to handle mental illness (in the 1950s no less!).  They got back together shortly after and he complied with therapy and meds and hospital stays (well those were harder -to get him to  go- understandably!). 

He was a successful professional and the main breadwinner.  We did make financial sacrifices and I believe that was because he couldn't take certain better paying jobs given his vulnerabilities and illness.  But I am speculating. He did fine and my mom worked part time once we were in school, for many years.  And this was when there was so much stigma- my mom had two kids under 11 and couldn't tell even her BFFs that her husband was in the hospital for mental illness. She lied to me too -I mean - I was 6 or less. 

I do not know how she did it. Me- personally -I am glad she did it -I mean here we are right - but if she'd been my BFF as a teenager and knowing what I know I would have cautioned her against dating him let alone marrying him. It was hard on all of us.

I wish you the best in whatever you choose.  

As much as I feel like I was born in the wrong time period a lot, I do feel really grateful to be alive now when it's probably the best time to be a person with a mental illness.  Our awareness as a society has come so far, even since when I was a kid. 

I am also grateful that he is so self aware. (Like it sounds like your dad is.)  I don't think I've ever met anyone with his level of self awareness.  And he is someone who stays on top of his illness.  I will admit there are days when I forget to take my meds (at festivals, mostly.)  But he never goes without his meds, ever.  He has two therapists that are awesome.  Etc.  But being on top of it and taking meds and going to therapy doesn't fix it, unfortunately.  And right now he is at a point where he feels like he is running out of options. 

I told him sometimes all a person can do is just accept that their illness is a part of them and that it's not going away.  I had to do this about 5 years ago with OCD.  Instead of fighting it it became more about seeing it as this unpleasant part of myself that I had to learn to coexist with.  I drew pictures of my OCD.  I created a character of it.  I gave her a name, etc.  When I told him this he said it made a lot of sense.  I think this is something he is working on.  Because depression is a lot harder to accept as part of ourselves, I think.  I have MDD too (diagnosed.)  And I don't feel as eager to accept that and make it into a character.  It's more like the ugliest most disgusting part of myself that is chained up in the basement.  I also can go for months without feeling depressed.  But OCD rears it's head every day. 

Aside from the power being shut off he is also dealing with a health issue right now that for him is particularly scary because of his past. 

Thanks for sharing the story about your parents.  Glad they had each other and they sound amazing.  🙂