Depressed SO, Feeling Overwhelmed...

[Cynder]

Well in the last couple weeks since I updated this thread, things have just gone down hill, unfortunately... 

As much as I hate to say it, his depression might end up being our undoing.  I hate it but that's reality.  And he hasn't even done anything wrong, which makes it even harder.  Lately we are just drifitng apart because he is so distant.  He says it's because he doesn't want to complain.  But I would rather have an hour long conversation about how much his life sucks right now than have a 10 second conversation about nothing.  I message him and ask how his day is going and get generic answers like, "It's going."  I ask how he's feeling, and I get an answer like, "Awake." 

On Sunday he called me to tell me he's sorry for how distant he's been.  He got kind of emotional during this phone call.  I mean, I could hear him choking up but trying to hide it.  He said he called to tell me he still loves me even though he hasn't been acting like it lately, and that he wants to try to be more present in my life.  Ok, that's all well and good, except there's hardly been any contact since then. 

And I have been in his shoes.  I've been the depressed one in the relationship.  I know what it's like to not see past your own pain, etc.  But there are two people in this relationship.  If he can't be available to me than what are we even doing?  I've wondered if the right thing to do is just end it for the sake of his mental health. 

When we first started dating he told me he sucks the happiness out of everyone he gets with.  He said all his partners are happy energetic creative people who become depressed while with him.  Well, it seems like I do the same thing.  And I told him that.  I said almost everyone I am with ends up depressed, too.  I guess I know now who is the stronger happiness sucker.  Not like it's anything I should be bragging about... 

Over the weekend he got into a huge fight with his son.  That completely devastated him because him and his son are really close.  His son left the house and went to stay with a friend for a few days.  (Son is a teenager, we're not talking about a little kid here.)  And he's still at his friend's place. 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry he's struggling. Seems like he doesn't want to talk to you where he complains and he's entitled not to want to talk in that situation -or any, really where it's not about you.  Sometimes even without mental health issues the partner comes first as far as need for space -but you have to stick to your standards so if it's too distant too often that might not be a good fit for you.  You are right he's done nothing wrong. That's not the standard IMO for whether to be romantically involved. It is the standard for how we treat human beings -I mean sure if someone hurts me totally by accident or because the person had no control or didn't intend it at all that person doesn't have bad intent for sure and my reaction has to be reasonable given that.  But whether I'd be in a serious romantic relationship is another issue entirely.

I was hung up on a really depressed guy when I was in college -we'd gone to HS together.  We talked and talked and talked by phone.  We never dated but I wanted to!! I thought he was so "deep".  I mean he was.... but deep in a self-absorbed way.  Then the talks stopped.  A few months later he met his future wife -they were on the same sports team at our school.  I mean did he have clinical depression -I don't know -but I loved hearing his voice, didn't care that he was "complaining" and loved how he desribed his bleak outlook on his life the world whatever.  I'm glad he rejected me -would not have been a good situation.  

My mother stayed married for 62 years to my father who suffered from depression.  And was dating him/engaged 4 years prior to that.  She made it work.  She was his hero.  I'm glad I didn't take that on in my own life.  She's living it up since he passed away 7 years ago -she's finally free of that heavy weight of stress and having to take care of him etc - she loved him so much. She cared about him so much. 

She gave of herself and then gave more.  But she deserves this freedom and fun (no she's not dating!).  Different people are suited to different relationships and it's completely valid if being involved with a person with a mental illness that presents in this way is not for you.  Certainly you were his friend before and perhaps that friendship can continue. I'm sorry about his struggles with his son too.  So hard!!

[Cynder]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry he's struggling. Seems like he doesn't want to talk to you where he complains and he's entitled not to want to talk in that situation -or any, really where it's not about you.  Sometimes even without mental health issues the partner comes first as far as need for space -but you have to stick to your standards so if it's too distant too often that might not be a good fit for you.  You are right he's done nothing wrong. That's not the standard IMO for whether to be romantically involved. It is the standard for how we treat human beings -I mean sure if someone hurts me totally by accident or because the person had no control or didn't intend it at all that person doesn't have bad intent for sure and my reaction has to be reasonable given that.  But whether I'd be in a serious romantic relationship is another issue entirely.

I was hung up on a really depressed guy when I was in college -we'd gone to HS together.  We talked and talked and talked by phone.  We never dated but I wanted to!! I thought he was so "deep".  I mean he was.... but deep in a self-absorbed way.  Then the talks stopped.  A few months later he met his future wife -they were on the same sports team at our school.  I mean did he have clinical depression -I don't know -but I loved hearing his voice, didn't care that he was "complaining" and loved how he desribed his bleak outlook on his life the world whatever.  I'm glad he rejected me -would not have been a good situation.  

My mother stayed married for 62 years to my father who suffered from depression.  And was dating him/engaged 4 years prior to that.  She made it work.  She was his hero.  I'm glad I didn't take that on in my own life.  She's living it up since he passed away 7 years ago -she's finally free of that heavy weight of stress and having to take care of him etc - she loved him so much. She cared about him so much. 

She gave of herself and then gave more.  But she deserves this freedom and fun (no she's not dating!).  Different people are suited to different relationships and it's completely valid if being involved with a person with a mental illness that presents in this way is not for you.  Certainly you were his friend before and perhaps that friendship can continue. I'm sorry about his struggles with his son too.  So hard!!

Part of the issue is every time he starts making some progress, something else happens.  Right now with it being the off season he is having all this financial trouble.  And then things started looking up as far as money because he got some temporary work.  He was really happy about that.  Then him and his son get into this argument...  It's like one long chain of bad luck. 

When him and I are face to face the conversation never goes stale.  Neither of us can shut up.  We have all these inside jokes, etc.  But the problem is we only see each other a couple times a month.  We aren't together all the time like a lot of couples are.  And it used to be this way even when we weren't face to face.  Our conversations over text, etc were always full of substance.  And after knowing him for 5 years prior, I know this is only temporary, because I've never seen him like this before. 

And he is really optimistic and that's why he doesn't complain.  I get it.  I try not to complain either.  He is really big on the idea that saying negative words puts out negative energy and so he would rather just not say them.  I respect that.  I see it from both sides.  I get not wanting to complain.  But also, saying you're having a bad day isn't going to make your day any worse, IMO.  Like saying I need to do laundry doesn't suddenly mean there's more laundry than before, etc. 

I also don't speak up about what I want, either, because I don't want to pressure him.  He knows it's an issue, otherwise he wouldn't have called me on Sunday to talk about it.  So I don't need to nag him about it. 

I do think things are going to get a lot better when festival season starts up.  It's been a long stressful off season for a lot of people, with the cost of everything going up, etc.  I also know that a lot of people who are heavily involved in the scene get really lonely during the off season. 

His son was talking to me a lot on Sunday after the argument they got into, too.  I was really careful not to take sides and stay neutral.  One thing that really struck me was his son kept referring to him as "mom" when he was talking to me.  He was saying stuff like, "Mom is not happy with me right now." "I'm scared Mom won't let me back in the house." I don't know if he was doing that because he was just so upset that he wasn't thinking straight or if he was doing it out of spite.  Like, "I'm so pissed I'm going to misgender my Dad on purpose because he hates that."  His son posts on a lot of stuff on Facebook about how he wishes he had a mother and he occasionally refers to me as his step Mom.  I think there's definitely some resentment there because his Mom transitioned to male. 

[Batya33]

Is it bad luck or just -typical adulting/parenting? He knows when festival season is.  I think it's harder on him because of his mental health issues. And that's a shame and doesn't need to be your burden as far as you can decide not to be romantically involved and remain his friend -his supportive friend.

[Cynder]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Is it bad luck or just -typical adulting/parenting? He knows when festival season is.  I think it's harder on him because of his mental health issues. And that's a shame and doesn't need to be your burden as far as you can decide not to be romantically involved and remain his friend -his supportive friend.

I would say a little of both.  He used to get a lot of cleaning/remodeling work during the off season.  But this year that slowed down because if the economy.  The cost of everything going up is making it harder for people to afford professional cleaning and remodeling, etc.  His son doesn't have any plans for college, etc, and also doesn't want to get a job and contribute, which is what started the argument they had. 

But aside from all of that (and I hope saying this doesn't bite me in the ass because there are some judgmental people on this forum) he was also recently diagnosed as per-diabetic.  For some people this wouldn't be a big deal, but it's something that is really stressing him out.  He is worried about possibly having to give himself shots later on down the line, because if he has to do that it will make him want to use again.  He has been clean since 2005.  But he knows this will be a huge trigger.  I don't know a lot about diabetes, but I know not everyone who has it has to give themself injections.  So he might be freaking himself out over nothing.  But it's still something that is really causing anxiety right now. 

Some of the decisions he makes aren't things I would do in his situation.  Like, he just took in 5 kittens that he is trying to rehome.  I get it, he is all about helping animals.  But he can barely afford to feed himself right now and now he has to feed 5 kittens.  He is always talking about how he is spreading himself so thin right now and feels like he is failing at everything.  Well, the solution is to not take on more things.  He has two foster skunks right now, too that he's taking care of, and skunks aren't easy pets.  He has a reputation in the community as being someone who takes in strays, etc.  So people bring animals to him and he can't tell anyone no. 

I think things we put others through always come back around at some point.  And now I'm seeing first hand what I put some of my exes through when I was depressed.  I know this isn't just about me.  But I'm seeing the value in it as a learning experience. 

[Cynder]

The update is in the beginning of this post, the rest is just me rambling because I can't sleep.  Feel free to skip it.  I just realized after writing it that this isn't really the thread for this, but I didn't want to just delete something I spent time wring, so...

I'm having a really hard time falling asleep today for some reason.  So I figured I would give this update.  Him and I had a conversation about this last night around midnight.  I basically told him that I really miss him lately and that I know he is going through a really rough time right now, and that I feel sometimes like I'm bothering him when I ask how his day is going, etc.  I'm not going to dictate the whole conversation word for word, but his answer to that was, "You're not bothering me, life is bothering me." 

We ended up talking about how I'm worried we will drift too far apart to fix things, etc.  He swears that won't happen.  I have to hand it to him, he is the most optimistic depressed person I've ever met.  Even while being depressed he has this positive outlook and he is so hopeful about everything.  And I'm not saying his outlook and hopefulness are unrealistic or anything.  I just really love that he has that way of looking at things even while being depressed.  When I'm depressed I just want to die and think nothing is ever going to work out ever. 

I'm looking back on when I was really depressed and how the people I was with handled it at the time.  I had pretty severe depressive episodes when I was in two past relationships.  And this wasn't situational depression.  It isn't the same as being depressed over a breakup, etc.  I'm talking about going about my business and living my life... and then suddenly one day I'm just not myself and I don't get any joy from anything, etc. 

My ex husband saw me like this and he didn't really understand, and didn't make any attempt to understand.  He also wasn't very accommodating.  I"m not saying he should have dropped everything and moved heaven and Earth to make me feel better.  But small things...  Like I remember he was watching the movie Gladiator one night and I was really depressed and really not enjoying this movie.  The main character pretty much loses everything and everyone he loves, etc.  And it was just too upsetting for me to watch.  So I said I was going to go take a shower and then just go sit in the other room and read a book.  He didn't want me to do that because I should be spending time with him.  And when I tried to tell him I just can't handle watching this movie right now.  His answer was, "Well it's just a movie.  This is all pretend.  None of it really happened."  And I can see his side of it, because he was right. 

My other really bad depressive episode was when I was with my ex Aaron, and as much as it sucked when I was going through it, a lot of positives came out of it.  This was the one that not only made me decide to get back into therapy, but it was also the one that made me turn to psychedelics out of desperation.  And it also was one of the reasons he started going to therapy, too.  To him therapy was this taboo thing that only crazy people need, and so he was afraid to go for his whole life.  But then seeing me go to therapy, he realized I'm not some lunatic who needs locked up in a hospital somewhere, and so he decided to start therapy also.  And as much as people hate on this and as judgmental as some people are, psychedelics saved my life.  I would have killed myself years ago if I didn't take that leap. 

But, the person I became after wasn't someone he wanted to be with.  It was weird because he wanted me to be happy.  But then after coming back to the US after those first few Ayahuasca ceremonies I was the happiest I had ever been at that point.  Like, I didn't want to go to sleep at night because I would miss out on living, and painting, and existing, etc.  And then when I woke up in the morning I was so excited to get out of bed and live my life.  And that was when I started doing festivals.  I started making all these new friends, etc.  And he just didn't like the new and improved version of me.  He was someone who was all about sitting on the couch watching Netflix for hours.  And here I am wanting to go hiking, and wanting to go do this and that, etc. We just became incompatible.  He also couldn't get past the fact that I "did drugs."  He was against me doing it from the beginning.  But our agreement was that I would do it, and then when it didn't work, I would go on meds.  Well it did work and I didn't go on meds.  To me it seems so hypocritical.  Like, "I'm leaving you because you did drugs and because you won't do these other drugs."  is basically what he was saying.  Meds are drugs too. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Cynder said:

Like, "I'm leaving you because you did drugs and because you won't do these other drugs."  is basically what he was saying.  Meds are drugs too. 

It's a different situation IMO if a drug is prescribed by a physician for depression as opposed to an illegal drug or self-medicating with an unprescribed drug.

[Cynder]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's a different situation IMO if a drug is prescribed by a physician for depression as opposed to an illegal drug or self-medicating with an unprescribed drug.

I agree, actually.  But I also think Doctor's are human and they make mistakes just like everyone else.  I was forced to take Ritalin all through my adolescence and the doctor who prescribed it saw me for all of 5 minutes before deciding I have ADHD.  And that was 5 minutes of me sitting in his office and him asking me questions like, "Do you ever get bored in school?  Do you ever let your mind wander in class?"  Etc.  What kid doesn't?  I actually wonder if that is why I have issues as an adult because there's been a lot of research that suggests kids who took Ritalin struggle with mental health later on in life. 

My therapist knew what I was planning to do.  I was spending thousands of dollars and flying half way around the world to do this, and she was supportive. 

Personally I think most arguments that can be made against psychedelics can also be made against pharmaceutical drugs.  And the other way around too.  Most arguments that people make for one also can be made for the other.  The only real concrete argument is that one is illegal. 

I don't think everyone with mental health issues should do psychedelics, but I also don't think everyone with mental health issues needs meds either.  Some people can mange their issues without meds.  I think both should be seen as a last resort.  And this is coming from someone who uses both. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I agree, actually.  But I also think Doctor's are human and they make mistakes just like everyone else.  I was forced to take Ritalin all through my adolescence and the doctor who prescribed it saw me for all of 5 minutes before deciding I have ADHD.  And that was 5 minutes of me sitting in his office and him asking me questions like, "Do you ever get bored in school?  Do you ever let your mind wander in class?"  Etc.  What kid doesn't?  I actually wonder if that is why I have issues as an adult because there's been a lot of research that suggests kids who took Ritalin struggle with mental health later on in life. 

My therapist knew what I was planning to do.  I was spending thousands of dollars and flying half way around the world to do this, and she was supportive. 

Personally I think most arguments that can be made against psychedelics can also be made against pharmaceutical drugs.  And the other way around too.  Most arguments that people make for one also can be made for the other.  The only real concrete argument is that one is illegal. 

I don't think everyone with mental health issues should do psychedelics, but I also don't think everyone with mental health issues needs meds either.  Some people can mange their issues without meds.  I think both should be seen as a last resort.  And this is coming from someone who uses both. 

Yes -that goes way beyond what I meant -just a basic comment that I don't think your ex was being hypocritical.  The rest of what you wrote is simply not in my realm of knowledge other than my very individual experience with my father for the approximately 38 years I was aware he was on meds for BPD, and  I don't want to debate about what you wrote.

[Cynder]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes -that goes way beyond what I meant -just a basic comment that I don't think your ex was being hypocritical.  The rest of what you wrote is simply not in my realm of knowledge other than my very individual experience with my father for the approximately 38 years I was aware he was on meds for BPD, and  I don't want to debate about what you wrote.

Maybe hypocritical isn't the right word.  He just had a really black and white view of things.  In his eyes any illegal substance is all bad and nothing good could ever come from using them, while all pharmaceutical drugs are all good and they will cure everything. It's a lot more nuanced than that, IMO.  

I'm not trying to debate either.  It's not worth debating because I see all sides of it.  There are positive arguments and negative arguments for both, etc.  There is no one size fits all answer. 

[TheCrow]

Cynder..

I've been reading you on here for years..

We've got very similar tastes in music..

But girl..you're in a pseudo-thing with someone who, whilst married to a man,  is not quite male or female. .and not all that into this thing you call a relationship..

Why? Why do this to yourself?

'I call it love..they call it living in sin..'

He/she is having a fling with you whilst sticking with his/her main dude..

This must feel like the worst kind of torture?

Do you not, at most basic level, get awfully jealous?

[Jennifer Pearson]

From what you've described, it sounds like you're in a sticky situation, and it's natural to feel stressed out. Don't forget about your own needs for a change. It's encouraging that your boyfriend recognizes the value of therapy, but you might benefit from having someone to talk to as well. You can tell him how worried you are and urge him to keep going to therapy. Let him know you're there for him, but don't be afraid to put up some limits if necessary.

[Cynder]

3 hours ago, TheCrow said:

Do you not, at most basic level, get awfully jealous?

No, not at all.  We are polyamorous.    

The only torture I feel is watching him suffer like this. 

I also really don't understand what's wrong with dating trans people?  Are trans people only supposed to date other trans people?  

"Sin" is a Christian concept.  I'm not a Christian so to me that's meaningless. 

Someone being depressed doesn't mean they are "not all that into" their SO.  This is a thread about his depression. 

 

[Cynder]

1 minute ago, Jennifer Pearson said:

From what you've described, it sounds like you're in a sticky situation, and it's natural to feel stressed out. Don't forget about your own needs for a change. It's encouraging that your boyfriend recognizes the value of therapy, but you might benefit from having someone to talk to as well. You can tell him how worried you are and urge him to keep going to therapy. Let him know you're there for him, but don't be afraid to put up some limits if necessary.

I'm in therapy too.  Thanks for replying.  🙂

[Cynder]

I know I keep coming back to this thread and updating it randomly.  I know that's probably annoying to some people, but this has been an ongoing saga for a while now. 

I'm hoping this will be the most positive update in the thread.  He was offered a job as a peer counselor at a rehab center. He starts training today.  He was offered this position for a few reasons.  Biggest being he is a former addict (clean since 2005.) and also because he is a member of the LGBTQ community.  This place has a lot of LGBTQ clients, and specifically a lot of trans clients.  He is a former addict who has dealt with gender dysphoria all his life.  He is someone they can relate to. 

Not sure if this is appropriate or not, I just want to give a disclaimer here... There have been some smarmy comments in this thread about him being trans, and on other threads about him being a former addict.  I'm asking politely, if that's all you have to say, then please don't bother replying.  Addicts are people just like you and me.  They don't deserve to be treated like scum. (At any time but especially not after being clean almost 20 years.)  And if anyone has something negative to say about him being trans, all I can say is this is 2023.  I don't expect you to understand it, but if all you can do is make judgmental comments, maybe you should think hard about why you want to make those comments, especially about someone who is such a genuinely good person.  

So, now that that's been said, I will say why I am posting this here. 

I am hoping this will be the thing that brings him out of this state of mind.  I have Major Depression too (Diagnosed by a doctor, I didn't just diagnose myself.)  I know how these episodes feel.  And I know that for me, there always seemed to be one thing that started tipping the scales in the other direction.  I would be depressed for a long time, and then something would happen that started slowly changing my outlook.  I'm sure it's not that way for everyone.  But I really hope this will help him feel better. 

He is asleep now.  And I am about to go to sleep.  He has to be there to start training today at 11.  I won't be awake until 3-4 this afternoon.  So I sent him a text that basically said, "I'll be dead to the world today when you start training, so I just wanted to say good luck today and I'm so happy you got this opportunity. Love you." 

Anyway, thanks for reading. 

[Batya33]

Ironically, albeit off topic, a new FB friend of mine (she is real life friends with a woman I have met in person) also just got a job as a peer counselor -she also suffers from depression and it's possible she had maybe some drug or alcohol issues in the past.  She is in her 40s -it sounds a lot like the sort of position your SO is starting and I'd really never heard of peer counselor before.  She is loving her job so far.  She said she cried in her office last week and that this is accepted and typical (I am not surprised!).

Good luck to him.

[spinstermanquee]

On 2/9/2023 at 4:33 PM, Cynder said:

I don't want my bf to think we are talking behind his back or ganging up on him.

Cynder, hugs to you (((((  )))))

I think you should talk to the HIL, you both love the hubs and you are both FAMILY.  You are the two closest folks to him.  Even if you only ping the HIL and invite him to have a transparent, relaxed family conversation between you three... anything else is going to encourage triangulation between y'all (trust me on the dynamic, I live it daily)!  Good luck my dear in supporting your honey.

PS - please excuse me if I got the titles wrong (bf, hubs, hubs-in-law, bf-in-law) and feel free to substitute your preferred title 😉

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, spinstermanquee said:

Cynder, hugs to you (((((  )))))

I think you should talk to the HIL, you both love the hubs and you are both FAMILY.  You are the two closest folks to him.  Even if you only ping the HIL and invite him to have a transparent, relaxed family conversation between you three... anything else is going to encourage triangulation between y'all (trust me on the dynamic, I live it daily)!  Good luck my dear in supporting your honey.

PS - please excuse me if I got the titles wrong (bf, hubs, hubs-in-law, bf-in-law) and feel free to substitute your preferred title 😉

It's all good, I knew what you meant. 

Yea, triangulation can really damage any relationship.  I've been through it before, too. 

Lately I have actually tried to talk to his husband... but I just can never get to that point in the conversation because it just doesn't feel right.  I mean, his husband and I get along fine.  We talk all the time.  But for some reason I'm just not comfortable being like, "Hey, lets talk about this serious issue that we are both worried about."  Because I don't know how he will react. 

I will be with them both this weekend. Maybe a conversation like that will happen organically, who knows. 

[spinstermanquee]

45 minutes ago, Cynder said:

because it just doesn't feel right

sounds like you are on different frequencies 😉 gosh...

[Cynder]

2 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

sounds like you are on different frequencies 😉 gosh...

Well, it's not even that.  I just don't want to seem like I'm getting in between them or interfering in their relationship.  This is not my first time in a poly relationship.  I know I have to tread carefully in this situation.  Now, if his husband came to me and was like, "Hey can we talk about this?"  I would be really relieved and talk to him.  But even then I would be careful what I say because I just don't want it to seem like any backstabbing is going on.  Yea, husband and I get along, but I don't know him as well as I know my bf.  I'm afraid it would blow up in my face and there would be a "Hey your girlfriend came to me to talk crap about you." situation.  

This is more my issue than it is an issue with them.  I just have a really hard time trusting people and I keep my guard up pretty high. 

[Cynder]

Well, I guess I spoke too soon... maybe, when I said I hope this would be something really positive.  Because he is already thinking of quitting.  We talked for a long time about this last night.  I mean we talked about all the different angles in this situation.  He told me all the reasons he is thinking of quitting and not even finishing the training.  I told him all the reasons he might want to think about keeping with it.  I wasn't trying to preach and talking down to him, though.  Ultimately it's his life and his decision. 

My reasons for thinking he should at least try to finish were that it would get him out of the house and working steadily.  A steady paycheck would solve a lot of his financial problems and relieve a lot of stress.  A job that is all about helping people would be really fulfilling for him.  And also, I told him a lot of people would love this opportunity offered to them.  I know I would.  But no one would ever want me as a peer counselor.  I'm weird and eccentric at my best and batcrap crazy at my worst. 

His reasons for wanting to quit were perfectly valid reasons.  He doesn't know if he has the mental fortitude to do this job right now.  He doesn't know if he can handle it on top of taking care of his son and all his pets.  He said he had a reading assignment to do last night and didn't even have time to do it, so how will he even complete the training?   Like I said, I think these are all valid concerns.  I wasn't trying to persuade him either way.  I just pointed out some reasons he might want to at least try to finish the training, etc. 

He told me he feels so defeated and there are days when he just wants to give up on life.  I asked him if he's thinking of doing anything drastic.  He has attempted before... not recently, but he still has.  He says he isn't thinking of that.  But he also told me he is really worried about having the urge to relapse. 

I didn't tell him this, but if he were to relapse, that would be the end for me.  It's sad.  But that would be the dealbreaker.  I would wish no ill will toward him and I would do whatever was in my scope as a friend to help him.  And I would still love him.  But I would have to end the romantic relationship at that point.  I will not be with someone who is in active addiction.  I learned the hard way with my alcoholic ex.  (She hid it really well for the first half of our relationship.  She was a closet drunk in the beginning.  By the time I knew how bad her drinking really was, I was already in love with her.)  This time, being in love won't stop me.  I would rather break my own heart than have it slowly broken over time watching him ruin his life.  

I don't know if he made a decision either way last night.  I don't know if he will get up and go to training today or just say screw it.  If he really feels like he can't handle this job, I can't say I fault him for knowing his limits. I actually really respect how honest he is with himself.  

He is such an amazing person on so many levels.  I just wish I could take all his pain away...

[Batya33]

Did he ask you directly to try to talk him out of quitting? I'm glad you have been honest with yourself too about your boundaries.  

[Cynder]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Did he ask you directly to try to talk him out of quitting? I'm glad you have been honest with yourself too about your boundaries.  

No, he didn't.  But it was a two way conversation.  We were both talking about the pros and the cons.  He said he was thinking of quitting, I asked why, he told me the reasons.  I told him the reasons why sticking with it might be a good thing in the long run, etc.  I mean, every reason he gave for quitting was talked about by both of is.  And every reason I gave for possibly not quitting was talked about by both of us, too.  It wasn't like "I want to quit because xyz."  "Yea well you shouldn't quit because abc."  I was also really clear in letting him know that it is his decision and I am just offering another perspective.  He didn't seem to mind me telling him this stuff.  If he would have said at any point that he didn't want to talk about it anymore, etc, I would have dropped it. 

And I can't say what I want him to do either way.  I mean, if this job is going to impact his health in a negative way, I don't want him to do it.  But only he can decide what he can/can't handle.  I want him to do what's best for him.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Cynder said:

No, he didn't.  But it was a two way conversation.  We were both talking about the pros and the cons.  He said he was thinking of quitting, I asked why, he told me the reasons.  I told him the reasons why sticking with it might be a good thing in the long run, etc.  I mean, every reason he gave for quitting was talked about by both of is.  And every reason I gave for possibly not quitting was talked about by both of us, too.  It wasn't like "I want to quit because xyz."  "Yea well you shouldn't quit because abc."  I was also really clear in letting him know that it is his decision and I am just offering another perspective.  He didn't seem to mind me telling him this stuff.  If he would have said at any point that he didn't want to talk about it anymore, etc, I would have dropped it. 

And I can't say what I want him to do either way.  I mean, if this job is going to impact his health in a negative way, I don't want him to do it.  But only he can decide what he can/can't handle.  I want him to do what's best for him.

Hopefully I'm not overstepping. In the future -particularly given his mental health issues- unless he directly asks you -and with real enthusiasm -please I really want your input! - I'd run far far away from taking on the role of unsolicited advice. Offer your perspective short of giving advice - like "I see you're frustrated because___" or "you're saying you don't have enough time and you wish you had more time."

 

[Cynder]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Hopefully I'm not overstepping. In the future -particularly given his mental health issues- unless he directly asks you -and with real enthusiasm -please I really want your input! - I'd run far far away from taking on the role of unsolicited advice. Offer your perspective short of giving advice - like "I see you're frustrated because___" or "you're saying you don't have enough time and you wish you had more time."

 

Right.  Maybe it was wrong of me to take on that role in this conversation.  I will be the first to admit I'm not perfect.