Depressed SO, Feeling Overwhelmed...

[Batya33]

I don't think people have to have traditional 9 to 5 jobs and neither do I see that in society. I haven't had one since 1991 and my husband the same - we've always worked far far longer and more unpredictable hours. And I know many many entrepreneurs and people who are artist and cobble together various side hustles to support their art.  I misremembered and thought you said he wasn't financially independent when you started dating.  Sorry.

I think I told you I have an acquaintance with mental health issues who started a peer counselor job about 6 months ago and yes I see it enhances her life -actually I didn't really know about those sorts of jobs before she posted about it on FB.  I'm sorry he gave up on it!!!

I simply shared my opinions on your situation and again I defer to your choices!

[Cynder]

3 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

Is this how your relationship works, seeing each other once every three weeks?

What's your book's title?

Well, there hasn't really been any schedule for seeing each other.  There were times when we saw each other a couple times a week for a bit, but then there were times when we went a month without seeing each other.  We are both busy people.  I have two jobs and he had multiple jobs for most of our relationship.  We talk every day though.  We talk on the phone regularly and facetime. 

But, we also live about 50 miles away from each other and I can't drive.  (I'm legally blind.) 

So, we see each other when we can.  Lately though, he just doesn't have the ambition or the drive to go out and be social with anyone anymore.  He just sits at his sister's house. 

As far as the book, I would rather talk about that in PMs.  I am always looking for beta readers if you are interested. 

[Type O Negative]

So your relationship is mainly on text?

Re book: pm me if you want to?

[Type O Negative]

9 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

 

Nevermind 

[Cynder]

26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think people have to have traditional 9 to 5 jobs and neither do I see that in society. I haven't had one since 1991 and my husband the same - we've always worked far far longer and more unpredictable hours. And I know many many entrepreneurs and people who are artist and cobble together various side hustles to support their art.  I misremembered and thought you said he wasn't financially independent when you started dating.  Sorry.

I think I told you I have an acquaintance with mental health issues who started a peer counselor job about 6 months ago and yes I see it enhances her life -actually I didn't really know about those sorts of jobs before she posted about it on FB.  I'm sorry he gave up on it!!!

I simply shared my opinions on your situation and again I defer to your choices!

No, when we started dating he was working about 60 hours a week across several different jobs and was doing really well financially. 

Yea, I really wish he would have stuck with it.  I had such high hopes for how that job would help him.  I was so upset when he told me that.  He asked me to paint a s ship for his office.  So I started this epic painting of a 1700s ship with a lot of billowing sales.  And since I'm mostly a psychedelic artist, it is really colorful.  The sky is spacey cosmic.  The water is about 8 different colors.  He loves it so far.  But now I don't know what I will even do with it.  Looking at it makes me sad now. 

But I was actually more upset when he said he might give up on the animal rescue too.  Helping animals has been at the center of his life for so long.  He is known as someone who will take in anything and find a home for it.  He is a huge arachnophobe, but he had a tarantula that someone surrendered.  He has fostered Lemurs, raccoons, opossums, etc.  He has taken in so many puppies and kittens and rehomed them.  He is on a first name basis with most of the vets in his city.  To hear him say he is thinking about throwing in the towel and ending the rescue is a really bad sign in my opinion.  When you start losing passion for your passion it's never a good thing. 

I have no problem with your opinions.  I was just pointing out respectfully that he was financially stable and employed with I started dating him. 

[Cynder]

6 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

So your relationship is mainly on text?

Re book: pm me if you want to?

I wouldn't say that necessarily.  Every couple has a different dynamic.  There is no right or wrong amount of time to see each other, imo.  We see each other when we can. 

We also were good friends for 5 years before we started dating.  I met him in 2017.  So we knew each other really well before we dated.  I think that makes a difference. 

I'll PM you. 

[Cynder]

6 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

Question: 

Have you ever seen Type O live?

Do you know their music?

I've seen them 3 times.  The last time I saw them was when Peter was sick and I remember he couldn't perform standing up.  He was sitting in a chair on stage.  That's the time I regret, actually.  Because my last memory of them is this sad performance where he could barely sing, etc. 

The best time I saw them was with Cradle of Filth and Moonspell.  That was a good show.  Three really good bands all together.  It was amazing. 

[Type O Negative]

7 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I've seen them 3 times.  The last time I saw them was when Peter was sick and I remember he couldn't perform standing up.  He was sitting in a chair on stage.  That's the time I regret, actually.  Because my last memory of them is this sad performance where he could barely sing, etc. 

The best time I saw them was with Cradle of Filth and Moonspell.  That was a good show.  Three really good bands all together.  It was amazing. 

My lord. .

Saw them in 1993 for the first time.

Many many times since, all in London, UK.

Last time was about six months before he passed away, 2009, in London Forum I think it was. .

Heaven rest his soul. .

Hubby and I love  Cradle of Filth, they play London a lot..

[Cynder]

16 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

My lord. .

Saw them in 1993 for the first time.

Many many times since, all in London, UK.

Last time was about six months before he passed away, 2009, in London Forum I think it was. .

Heaven rest his soul. .

Hubby and I love  Cradle of Filth, they play London a lot..

Do you live in London?  Have you ever been to Garlic And Shots?  I want to go back to London and spend more time there. 

I love Cradle too.  I've seen them 5 or so times.  I was backstage with them and have pics of myself with Dani and Sarah somewhere on a hard drive.  My ex husband was in a band that opened for a lot of extreme metal bands.  So I've met a few of them.  I also went and worked at the Inferno Festival a few years ago.  That was the trip of a lifetime. 

Yea, hopefully Peter is up in Heaven surrounded by beautiful goth chicks and drinking plenty of good whiskey. 

Anyway, I'll pm you here shortly. 

[Type O Negative]

5 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Do you live in London?  Have you ever been to Garlic And Shots?  I want to go back to London and spend more time there. 

I love Cradle too.  I've seen them 5 or so times.  I was backstage with them and have pics of myself with Dani and Sarah somewhere on a hard drive.  My ex husband was in a band that opened for a lot of extreme metal bands.  So I've met a few of them.  I also went and worked at the Inferno Festival a few years ago.  That was the trip of a lifetime. 

Yea, hopefully Peter is up in Heaven surrounded by beautiful goth chicks and drinking plenty of good whiskey. 

Anyway, I'll pm you here shortly. 

Yep, I live in London, top end of the Met line!

Ha ha ha ha no way! How do you know Garlic and Shots?!? It's this tiny metal pub in the West End, not too far from Soho!! Hubby, my twin, her hubby and I used to go there a lot!!

Pics with Cradle??

 

[Type O Negative]

4 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

Yep, I live in London, top end of the Met line!

Ha ha ha ha no way! How do you know Garlic and Shots?!? It's this tiny metal pub in the West End, not too far from Soho!! Hubby, my twin, her hubby and I used to go there a lot!!

Pics with Cradle??

 

Leppard and Cru are playing Wembley tonight..Wembley is about twenty minutes on the tube (underground) from where we are.. Long story why we're not there. . .

[Type O Negative]

11 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

Leppard and Cru are playing Wembley tonight..Wembley is about twenty minutes on the tube (underground) from where we are.. Long story why we're not there. . .

I meant, WERE  playing Wembley tonight..02.50 a.m. here in London now. .

Whereabouts in the States are you??

[Cynder]

16 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

Yep, I live in London, top end of the Met line!

Ha ha ha ha no way! How do you know Garlic and Shots?!? It's this tiny metal pub in the West End, not too far from Soho!! Hubby, my twin, her hubby and I used to go there a lot!!

Pics with Cradle??

 

Yea, I went there a couple times when I was in London.  I like finding obscure places like that.  When I travel I don't do tourist things usually.  I find the places where the locals hang out, etc.  I loved that place.  I had a drink that I think was called a Blood Bath.  It was so good. 

The pics with Cradle are on a hard drive in a drawer somewhere.  This was like 2005 so it's been a hot minute.  But I swear they exist. 

[Cynder]

14 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

Leppard and Cru are playing Wembley tonight..Wembley is about twenty minutes on the tube (underground) from where we are.. Long story why we're not there. . .

One of my good friends in Norway saw Pink Floyd at Wembley back in the 70s.  Man... that would have been epic. I'm a metal chick for the most part.  But Pink Floyd is one of my favorite bands of all time.  They were before my time so I have to live vicariously through my older friends.  But when I was in London one thing I made it a point to do was see Battersea Powerstation because it's on the cover of my favorite Pink Floyd album, Animals.  

[Type O Negative]

1 minute ago, Cynder said:

One of my good friends in Norway saw Pink Floyd at Wembley back in the 70s.  Man... that would have been epic. I'm a metal chick for the most part.  But Pink Floyd is one of my favorite bands of all time.  They were before my time so I have to live vicariously through my older friends.  But when I was in London one thing I made it a point to do was see Battersea Powerstation because it's on the cover of my favorite Pink Floyd album, Animals.  

No way. You went to Battersea?!?

Hubby and I love Pink Floyd.. him more than me.

I'm metal through and through. Goth and metal..

I'd just like to know where you are in the States??

[Cynder]

Just an update about this situation... he messaged me a little bit ago and told me he just got back to his house (the house he lived at with his Husband, in otherwords) and his MIL has been letting her cats free roam the house the whole time he's been gone.  This was something he was adamant about not letting them do.  He said there is hair on the furniture and cat turds where they shouldn't be, etc. 

I told him I'm off work three days this week for the 4th, and said I can come up and help him clean it up if he wants.  And I told him I know there's not much I can do, but I want to do whatever I can to help him.  And he said, "Just don't give up on me.  Please just let me get through this." 

 

[Type O Negative]

6 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Just an update about this situation... he messaged me a little bit ago and told me he just got back to his house (the house he lived at with his Husband, in otherwords) and his MIL has been letting her cats free roam the house the whole time he's been gone.  This was something he was adamant about not letting them do.  He said there is hair on the furniture and cat turds where they shouldn't be, etc. 

I told him I'm off work three days this week for the 4th, and said I can come up and help him clean it up if he wants.  And I told him I know there's not much I can do, but I want to do whatever I can to help him.  And he said, "Just don't give up on me.  Please just let me get through this." 

 

This is a man who actually loves you. 'Just don't give up on me. Please just let me get through this' is what I would say, when I was horribly depressed, to a man I loved. 

[Cynder]

43 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

This is a man who actually loves you. 'Just don't give up on me. Please just let me get through this' is what I would say, when I was horribly depressed, to a man I loved. 

I know he loves me.  I think he's one of the first people who ever really has loved me, honestly.  I was a last resort for pretty much everyone who came before him. 

Him and I met in 2017.  I actually met him the day my ex husband died.  And I don't remember our first meeting, either.  He remembers it vividly, though.  It was at a huge festival that I work at every year.  He saw one of my paintings from all the way across the festival and wanted to see it up close and wanted to meet the artist who painted it.  But every time he walked by my booth was full of people.  And finally he had his chance later on in the day when things were dying down.  So he walked into my booth, and I was sitting with my head down writing something in my notebook.  And he waited for me to look up, and when I did, I looked right at him and said hi.  But he says he got really nervous all of a sudden because he really wanted to get to know me better and didn't know what to say.  So he just said hi back and then acted like he was looking at something in the booth for a minute, and then just left. He found the vendor list for that festival though and figured out who I was.  And he didn't friend request me on Facebook yet but he followed me on there for a year until that festival the following year. 

And then at the festival the next year he had one of the skunks with him.  And all day long, I heard people talking about the skunk guy.  "Oh my God, did you see the skunk guy?"  Etc.  And I kept thinking, I need to go find this dude.  I want to see the skunk.  I was born with no sense of smell and I always joked around about having a pet skunk just for the irony.  And he walked by my booth probably a dozen times that day.  But every time I was busy and couldn't stop him or get his attention. 

And then later on in the day when things were dying down, my helper pointed him out like a hundred feet away and I told her to watch the booth and then took off running across the courtyard toward him.  This is the meeting that I remember.  To hear him tell it is pretty funny though.  Because he's like, "I turned around and saw this beautiful running toward me. And I remembered her from last year and couldn't talk to her.  Then here was my chance finally, and all she wanted to do was pet the skunk." 

But long story short, her carried a torch for me for a long time.  And I had no idea.  He is shy in that respect.  And he is from Germany.  Not to perpetuate a stereotype but Germans are stoic people.  Him and I took a road trip together in 2020 during the height of the pandemic.  And he told me he was in love with me from then on. 

He asked me out in March of 2021 and I told him no.  I was still getting over my ex.  But then by August of that year, that same festival was coming up.  And I kept thinking about what a good person he is.  And I decided it was worth giving him a shot.  So I basically asked him out.  I asked if he wanted to go out after I closed the booth down on Saturday night. 

And we took things so slow, too.  Like so slow most people would think it wasn't natural.  We dated for 3 months before we ever kissed. 

There is no doubt that he loves me.  He has told me he wants me to be his wife one day.  He said his perfect situation would be all three of us living together with his son and us all being a family.  And that sounds amazing, honestly.  I love his son, too.  I hope they can put aside their differences soon, too.  For him but also because his son needs him.  He is 18 and autistic.  He is mentally younger than 18 and not equipped to go out into the world on his own right now. 

I have OCD.  And I think of my OCD as something separate from who I am.  Yes, it's part of me.  But it's not me.  When I am having one of my irrational OCD moments, that is just a broken part of myself that I am working really hard on keeping under control and sometimes it shows it's face.  I am trying to think of his depression that way, too.  He also has PTSD.  Those are parts of him that he can't control necessarily.  They are a result of a chemical imbalance. 

[LootieTootie]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

One of my good friends in Norway saw Pink Floyd at Wembley back in the 70s.  Man... that would have been epic. I'm a metal chick for the most part.  But Pink Floyd is one of my favorite bands of all time.  They were before my time so I have to live vicariously through my older friends.  But when I was in London one thing I made it a point to do was see Battersea Powerstation because it's on the cover of my favorite Pink Floyd album, Animals.  

Cynder, I hope you don't take this the wrong way. I am just curious.

You are a very giving and kind person. I've read your other posts before (including your toxic ex) and what I've gather is that you are someone when they love, they love hard, and when you care about someone, you care deeply. But you seem to always be the one taking care of others. Is anyone taking care of you?

 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Cynder said:

The sky is spacey cosmic.  The water is about 8 different colors.  He loves it so far.  But now I don't know what I will even do with it.  Looking at it makes me sad now. 

Think of it as something to keep alive, like a shining beacon that represents where he was heading and where he can go again.

I'd make a point of telling him I'm doing that, and I'm continuing my work on it for that reason. If you need to put some turbulence in there that the ship sails out of, then that will become part of the story that he can look back on with pride in what he's overcome.

I'd tell him that I believe in him, and I accept that there will be times when one of us needs to stay the course for both us.

[Cynder]

18 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Cynder, I hope you don't take this the wrong way. I am just curious.

You are a very giving and kind person. I've read your other posts before (including your toxic ex) and what I've gather is that you are someone when they love, they love hard, and when you care about someone, you care deeply. But you seem to always be the one taking care of others. Is anyone taking care of you?

 

No, other than me taking care of myself. 

I had to grow up really fast.  My parents were off in their own world partying and I took care of my younger siblings.  I've just always counted on myself.  I taught myself how to ride a bike.  I never got help with homework.  I never got the sex talk, etc.  I never had any of those rites of passage that most kids go through with their parents. 

I was the breadwinner and the provider when I was married.  When my roommate's son lived here (I call him my nephew even though he isn't.)  I took care of him when she was off getting drunk and hooking up with random guys. 

I took care of my ex when she was drunk.  It was me cleaning up after her and making sure she was on her side when she fell asleep so she didn't choke to death. 

I remember sitting outside around my fire pit one night with my ex.  And she was talking about this one girl she used to be with.  And how this girl had so many problems, and she was always in and out of rehab, etc.  And my ex was talking about how she was always there for this girl, no matter what.  And I just started to cry discreetly because it suddenly hit me that no one has ever been there for me like that.  She noticed and thought it was a jealousy thing.  Like, no, I didn't care about whoever she dated in the past.  it was more just a reality check.  That I never had anyone like that. 

There were times when I was married when I was really sick.  I used to get bronchitis really bad when I was younger.  Having to use inhalers, etc was a regular thing for me during that time of my life.  And my ex husband would never take me to the store to get medicine when I was sick.  I was always told I was on my own.  He wouldn't give me rides to work when it was pouring rain, etc. 

So, no, I've never really had anyone taking care of me. 

And my bf wants to be the one taking care of me.  He is European, he has a more old fashioned view of things.  He wants me to be able to just do my art and not have to worry about working a day job, etc. 

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Think of it as something to keep alive, like a shining beacon that represents where he was heading and where he can go again.

I'd make a point of telling him I'm doing that, and I'm continuing my work on it for that reason. If you need to put some turbulence in there that the ship sails out of, then that will become part of the story that he can look back on with pride in what he's overcome.

I'd tell him that I believe in him, and I accept that there will be times when one of us needs to stay the course for both us.

Yes.  I could think of this as more a reason to finish it.  And I'll tell him it's for him to hang up wherever he ends up. 

"I'd tell him that I believe in him, and I accept that there will be times when one of us needs to stay the course for both us."  this is perfect. 

Right now I am trying so hard to be his rock and not crumble.  But in the future there might be a time when I need him to be my rock.  A few days ago he sent me a quote he saw somewhere.  It was "You never know what you're getting until the person who preferences to love you for better or worse reaches the abyss of your "Worse" and holds your soul until it's better."  That relates to our situation right now.  Because I am the one reaching into the abyss. 

 

[catfeeder]

44 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Yes.  I could think of this as more a reason to finish it.  And I'll tell him it's for him to hang up wherever he ends up. 

"I'd tell him that I believe in him, and I accept that there will be times when one of us needs to stay the course for both us."  this is perfect. 

Right now I am trying so hard to be his rock and not crumble.  But in the future there might be a time when I need him to be my rock.  A few days ago he sent me a quote he saw somewhere.  It was "You never know what you're getting until the person who preferences to love you for better or worse reaches the abyss of your "Worse" and holds your soul until it's better."  That relates to our situation right now.  Because I am the one reaching into the abyss. 

Yes, and remind him of when he was your rock. Call back those memories for him.

Keep flying on instruments, Cynder. Ask him to join you there.

[Cynder]

So, it's 5:30 in the morning and I was just laying in bed playing solitaire on my phone.  I actually called off from work last night because I went to work on some video editing with a friend and we ate at a restaurant I wasn't familiar with.  Well, I ended up feeling really sick and when I got int he cab to go to work I had to have the driver stop the car three times in under ten minutes because I was sure I was about to throw up.  I just told him to take me home and called work and told them I can't do it tonight.  I haven't called off in almost a year, so it's not like this is a habit.  I have chronic stomach problems.

But anyway...  laying here on my bed playing solitaire...  I realized that I'm actually afraid to go to sleep.  Because I just keep thinking what if something bad happens when I'm asleep? 

Six weeks ago I was the happiest I've ever been in my life.  I remember not wanting to go to sleep then too, for different reasons.  Then it was because I was feeling so good I didn't want to go to sleep and miss out on feeling this way. Now I don't want to sleep because I'm afraid bad things will happen when I'm asleep.  I think this is about 50% actual fear and 50% OCD driven fear.  

And then I got to thinking...  even if this ends today, as in, his depression ends and he goes back to being the way he was...  how will we ever be the same again after this?  How am I going to stop myself from living in fear of the next episode?  And then that lead to scolding myself for being stupid enough to let myself fall in love again.  Seriously, I was laying on my bed asking myself, "How could you let this happen?  God, what the hell is wrong with you?  You should have stayed single you idiot." 

And maybe this is my karma.  Because I've been the depressed person in the relationship with a SO who was trying desperately to help me through it.  But I've also been the depressed person in the relationship with a SO who just didn't give a crap. 

So now I have another thing to be afraid of I guess.  Depression changes people and changes relationships.  People lose their jobs over this kind of thing.  People lose their families and their friends, etc.  Ok, if I'm the only one he has left when he comes out of this that puts a lot of pressure on me.  And what if I can never look at him the same way again? 

And I've kept so much of this quiet from him.  He has no idea how much this has been killing me.  The cab driver who takes me to work every night has actually become a person I talk to a lot about all of this.  Cab drivers are surprisingly open to hearing about their passengers' lives.  He started asking me what's wrong, etc.  So I started telling.  And I have a coworker who has asked me what's wrong, who I've opened up to.  And of course my therapist. 

My BF moved back home last night to the house he lived in with his husband.  I don't know all the details but I think his sister kicked him out.  I know they fought a lot.  He put up a post on Facebook earlier that said, "Well, here I am back in prison.  I hate this damn place."  That post was up for maybe two minutes before he took it down.  But I saw it. 

He messaged me and told me he's looking for somewhere else to go.  I reminded him again that my door is open, even though I know he doesn't want to come here.  And I said, "I don't take it personally that you don't want to stay at my place.  I get it."  And he said, "I never said I didn't want to."  I think he is probably thinking what I am thinking, that it could mess things up for us. 

But all this stuff that could happen was running through my head.  Even far fetched stuff like hearing from him that he snapped and killed his MIL and is on the run back to Germany.  I know that won't actually happen, but that's the nature of overthinking. 

[MissCanuck]

15 minutes ago, Cynder said:

And of course my therapist. 

What are your therapist's thoughts?