Depressed SO, Feeling Overwhelmed...

[Cynder]

16 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What are your therapist's thoughts? 

She has told me that it's best to try to detach myself mentally from this situation if I don't want to remove myself from it completely. 

She told me to basically put this situation on a shelf while I'm going about my day and unpack it when I can because I can't just let it consume me.  I have OCD.  People with OCD obsess over things.  That includes things that haven't even happened yet. 

My ex husband killed himself.  And I was one of the last people he talked to.  A lot of people blame me for his suicide.  His death hit me hard and he was my ex.  I can't imagine what it would be like if someone I was with ended their life. 

But, there's a difference between wanting to die, and wanting to kill yourself.  I've wanted to die for most of my life.  But I'm very anti suicide.  He has told me he doesn't have any plans to hurt himself.  But he would be ok with dying.  And I know it's selfish but it's hard to not take that personal on some level.  Like... all these people who love him hear that and I'm sure it hurts all of them.  Like, are all these connections that worthless to him that he wants to be dead?  But, another thing my therapist said to me once is actually coming in handy here.  She said  when a depressed person wants to die it's not that they actually want death.  It's that they want the paint to stop.  She said that to me when I was praying every day to get into a car accident or die of a brain aneurysm.  She asked me if I was given the choice to die or live the rest of my life without OCD and depression what would I want.  And of course I would want to live without those conditions.   

But I haven't seen her since all the "I wish I was dead" talk started, and since he had this obvious falling out with his sister.  (I don't know the details of that.  I haven't asked.  I figure if he wants to tell me what happened he will tell me.  He's obviously upset about it.  I'm not going to press for an explanation. 

This was probably a way longer answer than you wanted.  Sorry. 

[LootieTootie]

Thanks Cynder. I also notice you do writing and art, which are all therapeutic outlets. 

My only concern is that your pattern of falling for people with personality disorders, and you with your own disorders, put you in these dilemmas that keep you up at night.

I think it's good that you don't push your boyfriend for any answers about why his sister kicked him out but make a mental note of it. You may not know everything about him and he's been showing you his good side and his vulnerable side. Living with you, he knows he will be unable to hide.

 

[Cynder]

4 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Thanks Cynder. I also notice you do writing and art, which are all therapeutic outlets. 

My only concern is that your pattern of falling for people with personality disorders, and you with your own disorders, put you in these dilemmas that keep you up at night.

I think it's good that you don't push your boyfriend for any answers about why his sister kicked him out but make a mental note of it. You may not know everything about him and he's been showing you his good side and his vulnerable side. Living with you, he knows he will be unable to hide.

 

Yes, this is something I've thought about a lot.  I'm pretty sure 3 of my exes had personality disorders.  But, I don't think my current does.  I knew him for 5 years before I started dating him.  He's never struck me as someone who lacks empathy.  I know people with cluster B disorders are good at faking it.  But I don't think someone could fake it that easily for 5 years.  He's been married for 3 of the 5 years and I've seen how well he treats his husband.  And I've also seen them argue.  He has a real, "This isn't us against each other.  This is us against the problem." approach to arguing. 

Also, when my ex and I split up, and within two weeks of that I also lost my job, had a major health scare, had a pet die, lost most of my friends because they sided with her, etc...  he was one of the people who kept me going through that.  Someone who lacks empathy wouldn't have been checking on me every day to make sure I'm ok, etc. 

I know there is more to a personality disorder than just lacking empathy.  I'm mainly thinking about the cluster B variety because that's what I've dealt with in the past.  I know I can't diagnose anyone but my ex husband acted really narcissistic.  And I strongly suspect another one of my exes was a sociopath.  And just from hearing stories about my most recent ex, my therapist has said she likely has borderline personality disorder.  She would go from being this hot sex kitten who's all over me to telling me I'm disgusting 5 minutes later over literally nothing.  I know that alone doesn't mean she has BPD, but my therapist heard a lot of stories.  And people with BPD do act like that. 

I think I attract unstable people because I'm an unstable person, and people are attracted to what they relate to.  I'm no picnic either.  A lot of people don't like me.  The only place I thrive is in the festival scene. 

Today is the one year anniversary of Baby Girl's death.  She was the one skunk he was the most attached to.  When she died he was absolutely devastated.  And I know people are reading this thinking, "It's a skunk.  What's there to be devastated about?  They're pests and they stink."  A lot of people don't realize they are actually really clean animals.  And they are intelligent and very loving and make good pets. 

I was working on an Alice In Wonderland painting when she died.  And I decided to put her in the background as a tribute.  He was so touched that I did that. 

And since she died he has lost two more. 

I texted him when I woke up this afternoon and told him I know what today is the anniversary of and I hope he's handling it ok. 

His sister has posted some stuff on Facebook along the lines of, "I've been distracting myself from things I need to get done."  "My life has been on hold because I am afraid to confront my demons."  "I need to figure out what I want for my daughter and I and work to obtain it."  Idk... it seems like she is just focusing on herself and her daughter right now and doesn't want anyone around distracting her.  But, I also know they argued a lot too.  They got into it about housework, etc. 

But I have also considered that... you never really know someone until you live with them.  And even then it's not always trustworthy.  My ex and I started out as roommates and I never saw her toxic side until about a year of living together and 6 months as a couple. 

Him living here wouldn't be the perfect situation, and I think he knows that too.  But if it came down to that or him being homeless, I would rather he live here with me. 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

18 hours ago, Cynder said:

She has told me that it's best to try to detach myself mentally from this situation if I don't want to remove myself from it completely. 

She told me to basically put this situation on a shelf while I'm going about my day and unpack it when I can because I can't just let it consume me.

While her advice makes sense, I also don't think it's very practical or particularly helpful. 

What strategies has she suggested you use when you're unpacking it all? What does she recommend in order to help you cope with these feelings? 

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

While her advice makes sense, I also don't think it's very practical or particularly helpful. 

What strategies has she suggested you use when you're unpacking it all? What does she recommend in order to help you cope with these feelings? 

Well tbh I was coping pretty well with this situation until a few days ago when all the "I wish I was dead." Talk started.  I haven't seen her since then.  So I feel like a lot of what she told me is outdated now.  

One thing she has told me to do when unpacking is to lead with logic and not emotion.  

 

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, Cynder said:

One thing she has told me to do when unpacking is to lead with logic and not emotion.

Which, again, makes sense. However, when one is involved in the situation, it's also very abstract and unrealistic advice. 

When you see her again, do share with her these latest events. She may have more concrete suggestions for you. You're dealing with a very heavy emotional load and could use some structured guidance. 

[Cynder]

So, I haven't talked to him since around 4:30 yesterday afternoon.  A series of Facebook posts last night really frustrated me and honesty even disgusted me a little.  I decided it's time to step back a little and let him come to me for once.  I'm getting tired of being his personal cheerleader and none of my efforts even being acknowledged.  

-I removed the detailed description of thr posts out of respect.-

Idk... I was just getting so upset seeing all this.  I don't know what he was trying to accomplish.  It just really rubbed me the wrong way.  I don't think any of those posts were directed at me but it pissed me off.  It's hard to explain.  I just wanted to be like "OK, I can't take it anymore.  You are safe and supported by so many people. Why the hell are you throwing a fit on social media?" 

[Cynder]

12 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Which, again, makes sense. However, when one is involved in the situation, it's also very abstract and unrealistic advice. 

When you see her again, do share with her these latest events. She may have more concrete suggestions for you. You're dealing with a very heavy emotional load and could use some structured guidance. 

Right.  My next appointment is Thursday.  And this will be front and center.

[Cynder]

Today I woke up to more negative Facebook posts.  He's posting about being replaceable, feeling empty inside, not feeling safe, etc. 

He's been sitting at a Wendy's near his house for almost 2 hours, too.  Probably because he doesn't want to go home.  And the reason I know where he is is because he added me to his Life360 a while ago, so I can always see where he is. 

I asked him earlier if there is anything I can do to help this situation, and he told me no.  I told him for what it's worth, he is always safe with me and he isn't replaceable.  But I feel like I might as well be talking to a brick wall. 

[Batya33]

I'm so sorry for his struggles and for how this is impacting you.  

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I'm so sorry for his struggles and for how this is impacting you.  

Thank you. 

I had one of his friends message me on Facebook a little bit ago and ask if I'm ok.  I gave her a vague answer because I don't know her very well and her loyalty is to him, not me.   And then she's like, "Well, what I really want to know is is D ok?" 

I held my tongue but I really just wanted to be like, "Why the hell are you pretending to be worried about me if he's all you're concerned about?  Just go ask him if he's ok!"  Idk... the whole thing just left a bad taste in my mouth.  For one, it's just more proof that a lot of people care about him and he is just either refusing to see it or genuinely oblivious.  And for two, here I am feeling completely alone in this situation and I want someone to wonder if I'm ok.  And here comes this chick I've met twice asking if I'm alright but it's really just a ruse to ask about him.  That was kind of crappy of her to do that.  I'm sure it wasn't her intention and I seriously doubt there was any malice.  It just hit a nerve. 

He's still at Wendy's.  He was there when I woke up around 4 today.  So he's been sitting in Wendy's parking lot for at least 4 hours now. 

[Type O Negative]

Cynder,

Can you actually go to him? I don't drive either. Would a cab be too expensive? Uber? Train or bus?

 Believe me when I say I know what you're going through and am so sorry. :(

[Cynder]

41 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

Cynder,

Can you actually go to him? I don't drive either. Would a cab be too expensive? Uber? Train or bus?

 Believe me when I say I know what you're going through and am so sorry. :(

Cab fair to where he is is about $100 one way.  Busses don't run that far. I know people probably think I'm making excuses.  But public transportation isn't always an option, mainly because of the money.  

He's not sitting at Wendy's anymore.  He's home now and we actually talked earlier.  He keeps telling me there's nothing anyone can do for him.  I asked if he had thought about going to the hospital.  His answer was "what will that solve?"

I said there are professionals there that can actually help you.  And he said it's out of the question becauae he has animals to take care of.  

I feel like I'm just sitting here watching someone die slowly. 

[Cynder]

I don't know if this was wise of me or it it will help...  but last night I just decided I'm sick of every conversation we have being about his depression.  I rarely talk about anything that goes on in my life because I feel like I'm being selfish.  Usually our conversations consist of me asking him how he is feeling and him telling me how awful he is feeling. 

Last night I just decided enough was enough and talked about work.  I had a lady come into my job last night and complain that she couldn't log into the app we use.  She pulled it up and was at the login screen and asked me what to do.  I told her to enter her username and password.  She said she didn't know them and asked me to look them up.  I told her I don't have access to that information.  And then I said the username is her email address.  She asked me for her password and I once again told her I can't look up her password.  I told her if she enters her email and then hits "forgot password" it will send her a link to reset her password.  She got frustrated and threw her phone down on the counter, declaring that she's creating a new account then and asked me to do it for her.  I wasn't busy at the time so I picked up her phone and started asking her for her info.  I got her first and last name entered and she was like, "Just give me back my phone.  I'll come back tomorrow and maybe there'll be someone here who can actually help me!" 

So I vented to him about that.  I told him the story and then said I can't believe how lazy some people are.  And then he was talking about cleaning the skunk cages, etc.  We actually had a normal conversation for the first time in weeks.  I told him I still need to give him his birthday presents when I see him and he told me he feels like he doesn't give me enough attention lately.  I told him if he wants to do something really simple, send me a message when I'm sleeping.  Because whenever I wake up and see a message from him it automatically puts me in a good mood.  I know it's hard to be affectionate when you're depressed.  That's something simple he can do if he wants to give me more attention.  I don't know if he will actually do it, but we'll see. 

But then a few hours later he posted on FB, "I need to do something right for once in my life."  I commented, "While I'm all for anyone trying to better themself, I think you've done a lot of "right" in your life.  Cut yourself some slack.  Love you." 

Anyway...  I am off for the next three days.  I am planning to get a lot of cleaning and painting done and also planning to be kind to myself.  He might come and see me.  We don't know yet. 

[Cynder]

I've been asleep most of today.  Sometimes on my days off I do this thing where I sleep for 4 hours and wake up on my own, stay up for a little bit and then go back to sleep.  During my 2 or so hours awake this afternoon him and I had a brief conversation.  He sent me a pic of himself, dressed up, looking really nice and said his husband was taking him out somewhere today.  I told him that's good, because they need that.  And I told him to have fun. 

I went back to sleep for a few hours and woke up to see he posted on Fb, "Well, I discovered a new talent.  Messing up whole days.  Goodnight everyone, I'm done."  So, I don't know what happened, but apparently him, and his husband didn't have a good day. 

Then I got a message from his sister.  She's like, "Can I ask you a question?"  I told her sure.  She's like, "How well do you really know him?" 

My heart just sank... because the way my mind works, I was just thinking, "Ok... where the hell is this going?" 

She went on to tell me they got into a big fight and she was asking me how to fix it.  All I was thinking was, "You call him your brother.  You should know how to fix it.  I don't know what the fight was about, so I have no idea."  But I didn't say that.  I said, "I'm not comfortable talking behind his back." 

She's like, "I'm not trying to go behind his back.  Sorry, I shouldn't have said anything."  Once again, I didn't say it but I was thinking, "You're right.  Keep me out of your drama." 

He was staying with her for about 2 and a half weeks.  And that's three "big fights" that I know of.  If I was staying with someone and getting into a big fight on a regular basis I wouldn't stick around.  It's obvious they just don't get along when they live together. 

But I feel like no matter how I handled it with her, it was wrong.  If I would have given her advice on how to fix it and the advice backfired, that would have been on me.  Plus I don't even know what they fought about, so I really have nothing to say.  I feel like she might run to him and tell him I wasn't very helpful and then he will be mad that I didn't try to help, etc.  I just wish she wouldn't have messaged me. 

 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Cynder said:

he posted on Fb, "Well, I discovered a new talent.  Messing up whole days.  Goodnight everyone, I'm done." 

Good grief. 

Cynder, if I may be blunt, this man is seriously immature and attention-seeking. He seems very stunted and wants all eyes on him.

You deserve a lot better. 

[TacticalLinguine]

46 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Good grief. 

Cynder, if I may be blunt, this man is seriously immature and attention-seeking. He seems very stunted and wants all eyes on him.

You deserve a lot better. 

Have to echo the above poster.. This is indeed drama queen behaviour. I wouldn’t continue enabling it. 

[Cynder]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Good grief. 

Cynder, if I may be blunt, this man is seriously immature and attention-seeking. He seems very stunted and wants all eyes on him.

I agree, actually.  The way he's acting right now is very immature and attention seeking. I've known him since 2017 and I've never seen this side of him. 

Depression changes people.  I know when I've been really depressed I've said and done things that I normally wouldn't.  I know people are going to read this and think I'm making excuses for him, and maybe I am.  I don't know.  I'm just trying to consider all factors. 

His attention seeking behavior is apparently working to some degree... unfortunately people aren't going to him, they're coming to me.  It pisses me off that his sister wants to message me and ask how to fix whatever fight they got into now.  And it just made me feel sad and defeated when someone we both know messaged me the other night to ask if I'm ok, but then 2 seconds later said, "Well what I really want to know is if he's ok."  Like, why bother messaging me in the first place then? 

[Cynder]

6 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Have to echo the above poster.. This is indeed drama queen behaviour. I wouldn’t continue enabling it. 

Yep, 100%.  The only thing working to his advantage here is that he's never acted this way before now. 

I remember seeing a quote somewhere, "Choosing peace comes with a lot of goodbyes."  I cut everyone who causes any trouble out of my life two years ago.  He was one of the few people I kept around.  He is suffering a lot right now.  I'm not ready to say goodbye yet.  But I need to protect my own mental health, too. 

 

[Type O Negative]

Cynder,

How's it going?

How's your dude doing?

When are you seeing him next?

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Type O Negative said:

Cynder,

How's it going?

How's your dude doing?

When are you seeing him next?

Who knows when I will see him next.  He says he can't plan anything ahead of time right now and has to live in the moment.  Ok, whatever works I guess.

We haven't talked much today.  I messaged him when I woke up and said good morning.  I asked how his day was going and he said, "It's been a day.  And I still want to disappear." 

I said, "I would ask why but I get the feeling you don't want to talk about it." 

He said, "You're right.  But thanks for asking."  And then he said, "I'm about ready to drive.  Talk later.  Be safe and have a good day.  I love you." 

I said I love you back and that was the last time we talked.  He is really big on not texting while driving, if anyone is wondering why he mentioned driving.   I like to send him things that will make him laugh.  I saw a meme that said, "Stop blaming yourself for everything.  Learn Fneg Shui and blame the furniture."  I sent him that and he hasn't seen it yet.  Hopefully it makes him smile, if nothing else. 

He keeps asking me to not give up on him and telling me he just needs me to let him go through it.  That's what I'm doing.  But on some level I hope he knows this is not easy for me at all. 

He posted a long thing on Facebook today about addiction.  It wasn't something he wrote.  It was copied.  But he included his clean date at the end.  And he also posted a status that said, "Repeat after me.  You are not always wrong."  So, slightly more optimistic posts today. 

Earlier I saw on Life360 that he was at the same place he used to go to for his peer counselor training.  I didn't ask because I don't want to pressure him.  But I really hope he decided not to give up on that and that's why he was there.  But anymore, I've learned to not hope for much.  I don't want to get my hopes up assuming he is sticking with that and then have them dashed.  So I've filed it away as "maybe he is, but maybe not." 

When he was in training he asked me to paint a ship for his office.  The other night when we had that conversation that actually seemed like a normal conversation, I told him I was still going to do that painting for him, and he can hang it up wherever he ends up at.  He told me that makes him happy because he still wants me to paint it. 

Idk...  I know everything is temporary and it can't rain all the time.  I just hope by the time he starts coming back around, he hasn't ruined a lot of relationships.  Him and his son aren't currently speaking and his husband seems like he is on his way out. 

I guess time will tell.  Thanks for asking. 

[Type O Negative]

'..buildings burn..people die..but real love is forever..'

[Cynder]

38 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

'..buildings burn..people die..but real love is forever..'

I don't cry easy, but for some reason this really got to me. 

I commented on his addiction post.  I said, "You have a lot to be proud of."  He's a former heroin addict.  He's been clean since April of 2005.  I've worked with drug addicts before.  Not only did I work somewhere that participated in a work release program that hired a lot of addicts and people who had done time in prison, but I also worked in a  drug rehab center.  Being clean that long is a big deal.  And for someone to get clean on their first try and not relapse is a big deal. 

He replied and said, "Lol, yea ok." 

I replied to his comment with: "Getting clean and staying clean as long as you have is a big deal. How many times have you gotten on me about negative self talk? Etc. Follow your own advice. (And if it's not obvious, this is coming from a place of love. I'm not trying to be b****y. You need to give yourself more credit for all the things you've done. Just like this post says, you are worthy, etc."

I used to be someone who apologized for literally everything.  And I also rarely bothered to do anything beyond the basics when it came to how I look.  I would just take a shower, put gel in my hair, put deodorant on and that's all.  I had the mindset that I am ugly anyway so why bother.  no sense polishing a turd. 

Since him and I started seeing each other I've stopped apologizing all the time because he started calling me out on it.  He would say things like, "What do you have to be sorry about?  Did you do anything wrong?"  And over time I stopped apologizing for nothing.  And he actually made me feel good about how I look for the first time ever.  I would get all dressed up and everything when I would see him.  But then over time I started trying to look nice even when I wasn't seeing him.  Is tarted putting my hair up for work, and doing other things just to present myself a little better to the world. 

I wish I could turn around and lift him up the way he has lifted me up. 

I am really afraid that he might relapse.  Even though he hasn't for so long, a relapse is always possible.  That's one thing I learned working at the rehab.  it doesn't matter how long someone has been clean.  They are never above a relapse. 

And just for the sake of being honest, all I was was a receptionist and a shelter monitor.  I don't have any education on dealing with addiction, etc.   Basically my job was to answer the phone and sign for packages, and buzz people in for visits.  And as a shelter monitor my job was to basically keep an eye on the place and make the residents weren't killing each other or shooting up in their rooms. So when I say I have experience dealing with addicts, that is my experience.  I'm no expert.  

[Jaunty]

Is it in the interests of good self care for you to remain in a relationship with this guy?

 

[Cynder]

33 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Is it in the interests of good self care for you to remain in a relationship with this guy?

 

I've asked myself that same question...  

There are mental health issues at play here, though.  It's not like he's just being a jerk.  I'm not someone who runs away when things aren't perfect, either. 

He did reply to my comment calling him out on his addiction post.  His reply said, "I hope to God you never have to go through what I'm going through."