Depressed SO, Feeling Overwhelmed...

[Cynder]

So, here's a lesson in being careful what content we consume, etc...  I was watching a video where this guy was talking about his wife having OCD.  And he was going on about how hard it is being married to her.  He was saying they can't even go out and do things as a couple because her obsessions get in the way.  And how they both want kids but there's no way she could handle raising a child in her mental state. He said he doesn't know if he can handle much more and if she doesn't get help he's going to end up leaving her.  

And even though I know it's not logical, of course my mind went right to that place.  Like, it never occurred to me that I could be contributing to his problems.  And then i start wanting to beat myself up for not thinking of that until now.  And wow, I'm so selfish, etc.  

And now I have to backtrack a little bit...  I left a bottle of Mead at his house months ago.  When I went over that weekend we were planning on opening it and drinking it.  But we never got around to it.  And earlier today I asked him whatever happened to it.  I figured he probably either drank it himself, gave it away or lost it.  I'll come back to this in a minute.  

So I'm sitting here at my desk feeling like crap.  Because how do I know that isn't exactly what he thinks about me?  And I let myself feel it for a few minutes.  But eventually the logical side of me took over.  Ok... the wife in that video is obsessed with cleanliness.  She washes her hands hundreds of times a day.  She spends up to three hours in the shower, sometimes multiple times a day.  She has been hospitalized because she scrubbed herself so hard in the shower that she bled, etc.  Ok...  I am nowhere near that point.  Bathing and leaving the house are the two things that are really ritualized in my life.  But my rituals are manageable and they aren't destructive.   

But while I was sitting there stewing in this and feeling really bad for a few minutes, he messaged me out of nowhere and told me the bottle of mead is on his altar.  Ok...  his altar is a place where only really important things go.  It isn't a place where random crap gets piled up.  That is one spot in his house that no one touches but him.  And everything on it is sacred.  So here I am thinking he probably lost it, drank it or gave it away because he probably doesn't care about it.  And in reality it's on his altar. 

I have such low expectations for everything because I've been taught that.  Don't expect anyone to care because they don't.  Don't expect anyone to be honest because they won't.  Don't expect anyone to be faithful because they can't.  Etc.  It's not very often that anyone surprises me. 

And then I sent him this message:  "I know this is random but I was watching this thing where the husband of someone with OCD was talking about how hard it is to be with someone like his wife, etc. I'm sorry if I am ever hard to deal with because of my messed up head."

He said, "It's ok."  And then sent me a pic of a seeded dandelion that said, "I wished for you." 

He says he doesn't feel any different since he went to Ketamine last week.  He might not feel it but I see a change in his behavior.  Not just how we interact but in other ways.  He started painting again, for one.  And he's been doing a lot of deep cleaning at home.  He doesn't seem as closed off as he did for a while, either. 

[Batya33]

I'm glad his actions show that the ketamine might have alleviated his symptoms.  I also think living in the same space as spouses where someone has OCD is far different -emotionally/practically than how often you two see each other in person.  And if in the future you two planned to live together and have that sort of commitment where you'd be financially and practically "tied" together then yes I'd revisit -if needed then - the OCD type situation.  It seems like dwelling on it now with all the rest going on might be too energy-sapping.  

[Cynder]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm glad his actions show that the ketamine might have alleviated his symptoms.  I also think living in the same space as spouses where someone has OCD is far different -emotionally/practically than how often you two see each other in person.  And if in the future you two planned to live together and have that sort of commitment where you'd be financially and practically "tied" together then yes I'd revisit -if needed then - the OCD type situation.  It seems like dwelling on it now with all the rest going on might be too energy-sapping.  

Out of everyone I've been involved with, he is the only one who seems to get my OCD. 

Taking a shower anywhere other than my house is really hard for me to do.  Like, the showers at work...  I know they are clean because I clean them.  But I still wouldn't take a shower there just because I know strangers have showered there and I know some of the disgusting things that have happened there.  (I've had to clean poop up out of the showers...) 

But I remember the first time I stayed at his house for several days.  He knows the shower is a big deal for me.  So he cleaned it right in front of me.  He told me if I want to go over it after him just so I feel comfortable taking a shower there that was fine too. 

He also knows other people clothes bother me and I don't like touching them.  The times I've spent the night at his house and didn't sleep in bed with him, I slept in his son's room.  And he told his son to get all the clothes off the floor and in the hamper since the clothes being all over the floor would have bothered me to the point where it would have been hard to sleep.  They don't bother me when they're in the hamper. 

But yea... it's one thing to accommodate someone when they come over.  It's a whole other thing to live with someone. 

If we lived together my leaving the house ritual would be way different.  Right now when I leave I check the stove, and check the griddle, and check both doors, make sure the bathroom door is closed, check the cats' bowls to make sure they have food and water (even though they aren't even my cats) and then check to make sure the snake has water in his bowl.  (The snake is mine.)  Sometimes I have to check some of these things twice to be satisfied.  But if I lived with him there would be a lot more pets to check on.  It would be interesting, for sure. 

My rituals aren't destructive, so I haven't done much to stop them.  Having a squeaky clean shower all the time and making sure everything is locked, off and all the pets are fed before leaving aren't the worst things int he world.  And I've gotten a lot better about this stuff over the years. 

He has a really specific ritual for doing laundry.  That alone doesn't qualify him for an OCD diagnosis.  But he is obsessive about washing clothes.  He won't let his husband do it because he (Hubby) doesn't know how.  He is the only one that washes his clothes.  So I think because he has this laundry ritual he understands a little more about my rituals.

Where it gets really hard to deal with are my obsessive thoughts, though.  I've had more than one partner really misunderstand what I meant when I would talk about some of the thoughts I have.  Like, cheating is a big one.  I have thoughts about whether or not I would cheat if I had the opportunity.  And I get stuck on thinking things like, "Well , how do I know I wouldn't?"  And when I think that long enough, I eventually convince myself that I'm cheating scum.  Try explaining this to someone you're with though and they just think you really want to cheat. 

Same thing when I get stuck on the "How do I know I didn't lie?  What if I lied by omission?  Then I would have to tell them I lied and they will hate me for being a liar."  This is one that still gets me sometimes.  D has a hard rule about lying.  That is one surefire dealbreaker.  He will not tolerate being lied to.  So sometimes I get stuck on that.  "Oh God... what if I lie?"  "What if I lie and don't realize I'm lying?"  "Am I sure I told the whole truth about that one situation?  How do I know I did?"  This has resulted in me going back through text messages over and over to make sure everything I said was 100% the truth.  I can't always accept that I am just not a liar, so therefore, I didn't lie. 

Being HIV positive was another thing I used to obsess about ridiculously.  I would just be going about my day and suddenly think, "How do I know I'm not HIV positive?"  Nevermind that I don't go out and shoot up or have unprotected sex with strangers.  I don't work around needles or do any job that would expose me to that.  I don't hook up with sex workers or any other people who are at high risk.  Sometimes this resulted in midnight trips to the store to buy an oral test and then go to the gym to take it because I don't want to take it at home.  Thankfully that one doesn't really hit anymore.  Logic has eliminated it.  I've had enough negative tests, and I don't' engage in risky behaviors.  So therefore it's not possible. 

But, if I was still as bad as I used to be, I couldn't imagine being my partner and having to live with me.  At my old job there were always sheets of cardboard in my work area for packing.  I would go to work and immediately count the cardboard sheets.  (There were usually around 20-25 there.  It's not like I was counting hundreds of them.)  But I was set on thinking if there's an even number everything is fine.  But if there's a odd number bad things are going to happen.  If there was an odd number of cardboard sheets, my day was ruined.  Because bad things are going to happen.  That's it.  Someone I love will die.  I will get fired.  I will be in a really bad accident.  My house will burn down, etc.  And this makes zero sense.  But back then I was so convinced of it.  It's so hard to believe I was ever that far gone with OCD.  But I was. 

OCD is a lonely disorder.  It destroys families and all kinds of other relationships.  People with OCD have a shorter life expectancy than those without it.  Suicide is a big factor in that but also the stress of living with it breaks the body down.  I have chronic stomach problems, most likely from being in a near constant state of anxiety for most of my life.  And society thinks it's hilarious.  Idk...  I don't see people jokes made about depression, BPD, etc.  But OCD once big joke in our culture. 

Jeez this was a lot longer than I intended this post to be.  Pardon the word vomit.  IF anyone actually read this whole thing, thank you. 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you've gone through all this!

 

[Type O Negative]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 

Batya33,

Let me tell you what real HIV panic feels like.  Husband had a few night stands with this chick in Italy in mid to late 80s. About 23, both. She contacted him sometime later, a few months, to say she had HIV. He got tested. He was negative. Just about died in the process. It sounds really funny to me when you say, I was a virgin, I was so so scared I had HIV cause I kissed someone or some such, not sure re details. 

Please please don't lecture me on how HIV can be transmitted etc? Thank you!

 

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

Batya33,

Let me tell you what real HIV panic feels like.  Husband had a few night stands with this chick in Italy in mid to late 80s. About 23, both. She contacted him sometime later, a few months, to say she had HIV. He got tested. He was negative. Just about died in the process. It sounds really funny to me when you say, I was a virgin, I was so so scared I had HIV cause I kissed someone or some such, not sure re details. 

Please please don't lecture me on how HIV can be transmitted etc? Thank you!

 

Yes I deleted it because I also wrote about the lovely man I knew in the late 80s who died of it and I could not handle your 'laugh" emoji when my post also discussed that.  He was a wonderful person and gave so much to the community.  Heartbreaking.

We all react differently to situations like HIV/covid/ and a variety of contagious diseases.  Back when HIV was new -and I was in my early 20s -many panicked that it could be transmitted by a mosquito bite (I did not -knew better).   Back then it was not known whether it could be transmitted by saliva.  Back then we didn't yet have the drugs to treat it as we do now. 

Cynder's post highlights how "real panic" can present depending on one's individual situation and circumstances.  I was responding to her example about her panic at times about her HIV status.

I'm sorry you experienced that sort of situation and fear! I did end up getting tested routinely in my 30s - I was extremely low risk but since it was available as part of my annual physical I figured why not.  

I am really confused by your last sentence and assume it's not directed to me -must be some sort of typo.  I have no interest in discussing how HIV can be transmitted let alone "lecturing" - nor did my deleted post have any relevance to that comment - but you must have left out some words or quotes because otherwise -quite -odd.

[Type O Negative]

Oh continue being confused! 🙂 Some sort of typo for sure! 🤣

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Type O Negative said:

Oh continue being confused! 🙂 Some sort of typo for sure!

Cool -thanks for clarifying! No longer confused.  Have a good evening.

[Cynder]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I deleted it because I also wrote about the lovely man I knew in the late 80s who died of it and I could not handle your 'laugh" emoji when my post also discussed that.  He was a wonderful person and gave so much to the community.  Heartbreaking.

We all react differently to situations like HIV/covid/ and a variety of contagious diseases.  Back when HIV was new -and I was in my early 20s -many panicked that it could be transmitted by a mosquito bite (I did not -knew better).   Back then it was not known whether it could be transmitted by saliva.  Back then we didn't yet have the drugs to treat it as we do now. 

I'm sorry you experienced that sort of situation and fear! I did end up getting tested routinely in my 30s - I was extremely low risk but since it was available as part of my annual physical I figured why not.  

I am really confused by your last sentence and assume it's not directed to me -must be some sort of typo.  I have no interest in discussing how HIV can be transmitted let alone "lecturing" but you must have left out some words or quotes because otherwise -quite -odd.

I get tested as part of my yearly too.  It's included so I figure that's one way to not obsess about it.  My doctor always asks why I want to be tested since I'm low risk.  And the last couple times I've just told him the truth.  I have OCD and it's something I obsess about.  So having a negative test result keeps me from obsessing about it. 

And anymore it's not a death sentence like it used to be.  I couldn't even imagine what it was like in the 80s.  Not only did we know nothing about it.  But back then you had to wait a long time for test results.  Now with oral testing you know in 20 minutes. 

I didn't see what you originally posted.  But I'm sorry for the loss you experienced with your friend. 

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I get tested as part of my yearly too.  It's included so I figure that's one way to not obsess about it.  My doctor always asks why I want to be tested since I'm low risk.  And the last couple times I've just told him the truth.  I have OCD and it's something I obsess about.  So having a negative test result keeps me from obsessing about it. 

And anymore it's not a death sentence like it used to be.  I couldn't even imagine what it was like in the 80s.  Not only did we know nothing about it.  But back then you had to wait a long time for test results.  Now with oral testing you know in 20 minutes. 

I didn't see what you originally posted.  But I'm sorry for the loss you experienced with your friend. 

It was so so scary in the 1980s and in my age group - late teens/early 20s obviously many people were sexually active and many were on the newer end of being sexually active. 

I stopped being tested in 2005 I think -by then I was with my future husband.  Only did it a handful of years.  Where I lived then - if you opted to have your doctor test you - you were obligated to receive the results in person.  For the rest of my routine bloodwork you'd just get a call about it - so it actually was pretty annoying! 

I self-tested once -***ing a finger -then you mailed it in -in 2003 - a new partner and I agreed to get tested.  Otherwise was always bloodwork. I mean maybe they tested me as routine when I was pregnant but I don't recall.  There was a lot of bloodwork for sure.

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Type O Negative said:

It sounds really funny to me when you say, I was a virgin, I was so so scared I had HIV cause I kissed someone or some such, not sure re details. 

You must not have been around or cognizant in the early 80s, when people weren't sure how it was transmitted. Children who contracted AIDS were banned from attending school for fear that they would infect their classmates. 

[Type O Negative]

I was a kid in early 80s. I'm talking around 89.

[Jibralta]

Just now, Type O Negative said:

I was a kid in early 80s. I'm talking around 89.

I'm not talking about your boyfriend. I'm talking about your obnoxious response to Batya. 

[Type O Negative]

1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

I'm not talking about your boyfriend. I'm talking about your obnoxious response to Batya. 

Ever so sorry! And it's husband, not boyfriend!

[Jibralta]

Just now, Type O Negative said:

Ever so sorry!

Whatever man. Pete Steele wouldn't be impressed at all. Neither am I.

[Type O Negative]

Sweet as!

Sorry Cynder for derailing your topic, seriously.

[Cynder]

He has been fostering a dog for the last few weeks that he got really attached to.  Well, today he had to take the dog back.  So he's not having a good day. 

I asked him if he's going back to ketamine therapy this week.  He said he's not sure.  I really hope he keeps up with it. 

[Batya33]

28 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

You must not have been around or cognizant in the early 80s, when people weren't sure how it was transmitted. Children who contracted AIDS were banned from attending school for fear that they would infect their classmates. 

Yes I was thinking about that boy - was his name Ryan ?? The one who contracted HIV maybe from a blood transfusion and was ostracized in his community?? The details are fuzzy. But it was national news. Very very sad and unfair. 
Cynder - your initial description about HIV related panic reminded me of mine so I simply described it to relate. Didn’t realize it would go in an oddly different direction. 
As an aside - I keep describing the self blood test I did and I keep getting bleeped out because it looks like another slang term lol. 

[Cynder]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I was thinking about that boy - was his name Ryan ?? The one who contracted HIV maybe from a blood transfusion and was ostracized in his community?? The details are fuzzy. But it was national news. Very very sad and unfair. 
Cynder - your initial description about HIV related panic reminded me of mine so I simply described it to relate. Didn’t realize it would go in an oddly different direction. 
As an aside - I keep describing the self blood test I did and I keep getting bleeped out because it looks like another slang term lol. 

Nothing you said offended me.  Sometimes threads go off topic.  I'm just trying to keep it on topic so they don't shut it down.  This thread has been kind of a lifeline for me during this time.  I know that might sound dramatic.  But I don't feel right talking about this situation to friends and family.  And I only go to therapy every two weeks. 

Sometimes this thread is it for me. 

[catfeeder]

On 7/17/2023 at 9:05 PM, Cynder said:

And I let myself feel it for a few minutes.  But eventually the logical side of me took over. 

This is really good. Sometimes when we don't try to fight a mind spin it becomes less aggressive. It's like, if I let this play itself out, it will start to unravel. Then you can sneak some logic in there!

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

This is really good. Sometimes when we don't try to fight a mind spin it becomes less aggressive. It's like, if I let this play itself out, it will start to unravel. Then you can sneak some logic in there!

I have to try that !

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

Nothing you said offended me.  Sometimes threads go off topic.  I'm just trying to keep it on topic so they don't shut it down.  This thread has been kind of a lifeline for me during this time.  I know that might sound dramatic.  But I don't feel right talking about this situation to friends and family.  And I only go to therapy every two weeks. 

Sometimes this thread is it for me. 

I’m really glad you’re finding support here. Really. It’s hard - you must feel like it’s from all sides and then to figure out what to do at each turn. Coming here can be so grounding. 

[catfeeder]

13 hours ago, Cynder said:

Taking a shower anywhere other than my house is really hard for me to do. 

Me too. I've had this one for a long time. It started during nursing school. We were taught so many rituals that I translated into my regular life. 

One of the biggest is treating floors as the most filthy surface. So going barefoot onto another's bathroom floor, much less into a shower, always presented a problem for me.

UNTIL! I started using flip-flops. I just take clean ones like slippers wherever I overnight. I walk into the shower with them. Slip one off at a time to wash feet. Liberating!!

[catfeeder]

Quote

... [D] has a really specific ritual for doing laundry.  ...  So I think because he has this laundry ritual he understands a little more about my rituals.

I think your rituals sound responsible. 

See, I don't think of rituals as bad, maybe because I was taught so many in the context of them being good, and in a professional context, even required. But then I went around the bend after hurricane Irene when my place got damaged and I had to move. 

I got it under control in about a year and a half. I go through cycles where I'm more regimented than other times, but I use those times to my advantage.

You know how I like to explain my rituals to people? It's like what batters do in baseball before they're up at bat for a pitch. Everyone has their own thing--like shaking out legs or feet then tapping the bat tip to the ground x times then twisting the shoulders or the hips--then repeat the whole sequence--and then repeat the whole sequence--until you're ready!

Nobody points to THAT as maladaptive, right?

[Cynder]

Last night we were texting and he was saying one day he wants a pet lemur.  And one of my co workers brought these donuts to work last night that were like donuts on steroids.  I ate half of one and had to save the rest for later because it was so rich.  I took a pic of the half eaten donut and sent it to him with a message that said, "If I was as rich as this donut I'd buy you a lemur."  It made him laugh, which was my goal.  I can't say anything to make his depression go away, but I can make him laugh.  And laughter helps. 

And then about 15 minutes later he put up this complete gut punch of a Facebook post.  The post basically said, "I am a safe haven for all the people who are nearing the end of their rope.  Well, here I am nearing the end of mine and I have no safe haven." 

I try so hard to not take this stuff personally.  Depression is depression.  He is coming from that place.  He isn't thinking, "Jeez, I have a girlfriend and a husband who would do anything for me and this might hurt their feelings." 

I commented on it basically telling him he is always safe with me, etc.  But I also said I understand that there really is no safe haven from depression because it's inside you.  His husband commented right after me and said, "I really wish you would talk to me about this stuff.  Sorry I failed to be your safe haven." 

His husband and I don't talk about this situation.  But I won't lie.  There have been times I've wanted to just because he is the only one who understand how I feel.  But I would never do that.  That would be too big of a betrayal. 

And there was some whiplash here for me... because he seemed to be in a good mood yesterday.  So I wasn't expecting that. 

I have considered completely unplugging from facebook just because of posts like this.  But I can't.  Not right in the middle of festival season.  I rely on it too much for info/networking.  I know it's really easy to just say don't look at his posts.  But that's really hard.  It's a compulsion at this point.  I feel like I have to.