Depressed SO, Feeling Overwhelmed...

[Cynder]

8 hours ago, MrMan1983 said:

Does he ever go to your gym? I'm sure you've tried to get him on the exercise thing though given how night and day peoples moods are after a good workout.

No.  My gym is an hour away from where he lives.  He doesn't currently have a gym membership.  But he is a lot more active than most people so he doesn't really need it. 

[Cynder]

Lately I've been really feeling a lot of guilt over things I put past partners through when I was the depressed one in the relationship.  Some people think karma only comes to us when we intentionally do something.  I am not sure one way or the other.  Maybe everything we put others through really does come back to us at some point. 

In some cases though... the person I was with also did things that contributed to my depression.  For a long time a big thing for me was anxiety over people I love dying.  And when I was married my husband's car had a gas leak at one point.  And he drove it around the whole time... and smoked in it.  I can't fathom being that dumb and that frivolous with my life.  I would not let him smoke with me in the car.  And so he stopped letting me come with him anywhere.  And so every time he would leave to go to the store or whatever, I would be obsessively thinking about getting a knock on the door from the cops, etc.  I was pretty much convinced every time he left that that was the last time I would see him.  I had nightmares about him dying, about the car exploding, etc.  And through all of this he acted like I was crazy.  I don't know about the physics of cars catching fire, etc.  But I know that gas is flammable.  His gas line is leaking flammable liquid, and his dumb ass is flicking lit cigarette butts out the window.  Well, this went on long enough that eventually it caused a full on depressive episode for me.

I was also really depressed for a time when I was with my first boyfriend.  I was a senior in high school.  I was bullied all day long at school.  You would think seniors would be over the bullying but there was this one girl who had been the ringleader of all the bullying on me since elementary school.  And my senior year she was in all my classes.  She was really pretty.  Pretty people get away with stuff.  Teachers did nothing.  Etc.  So I had to put up with her all day at school.  She regularly told me I should kill myself, etc.  This girl even came to my job on Saturdays just to harass me.  (Looking back that is obsession...  it's one thing when you see someone all day in class and have endless opportunities to pick on them...  it's a whole other thing when you're spending your free time going to someone's work just to bother them.)  But anyway...  bullied all day at school.  Bullied at home constantly by my parents.  And then I was dating this guy who was controlling and jealous and was pressuring me for sex, marriage, etc.  He thought since his parents got married at 15 and 17 that everyone should get married that young.  I've written about him in my journal on here.  He was nuts.  And all I had to go on at that time was what I had seen at home.  So I thought all relationships were that way.  But constantly being attacked all the time caused me to have a serious depressive episode when I was a senior in high school.  I didn't even want to get out of bed most days. 

I was also depressed for a while when I was with my vendor ex.  But he was the source.  I knew in March of 2019 that I was going to end that relationship.  But unfortunately it was right at the beginning of festival season.  Him and I did about 20-25 shows a year.  By then, hotels had already been booked and paid for, etc.  So until November of 2019 I pretty much had to fake it and act like I was so in love.  I am not a good liar and I don't like lying.  So my conscience was killing me.  I'm sleeping in bed with this dude every night knowing I'm just counting down the days until I can finally dump his ass.  It really broke me down mentally.  And he was such a jerk, too.  But he used any mental health issue I had against me.  He would straight up gaslight me and try to say something didn't happen when I very distinctly remember it happening.  He would pull the whole, "You're OCD is making you remember it wrong." card.  Well, OCD doesn't do that.  At least not that I'm aware of and mine never has done that to me even if it does. 

I had issues with depression when I was with my ex Aaron too.  He didn't do anything to contribute.  That was one that just hit me out of nowhere.  One day I just woke up and realized what a bad person I am.  And suddenly things I did when I was 5 were coming back to haunt me.  And I was caught in this loop of thinking I need to tell Aaron everything bad I've ever done or else I'm lying to him.  He thinks he's dating a good person.  He needs to know the truth that he's actually dating a horrible person.  This was all OCD driven.  And this way of thinking is something I still struggle with.  I still catch myself thinking stuff like that now in my current relationship.  I will be going about my day and think, "I wonder if D would still love me if he knew about that time when I was 18 and said something really mean to someone I used to know. I better tell him that story now because if I don't I'm lying by omission."  I've gotten to the point now where I don't immediately do the compulsion and text him and tell him everything.  But I did that with Aaron... a lot.  I'm sure for Aaron it got really exhausting getting random messages about something I did when I was a teenager that I'm ashamed of now. 

About a year ago I messaged Aaron randomly.  I apologized for all the crap I put him through.  I told him I've done well with therapy and gotten a lot of my issues under control.  I said I hope he is doing well in life and that I didn't expect a reply.  Good thing, because I didn't get one. 

I really hope one day D realizes how hard this has been for me, and his husband and his son.  It's not like I want him to have a crisis of conscience and be consumed with guilt or anything.  I just hope he experiences some clarity and realizes how much we all love him.  I mean... him and his son aren't speaking anymore.  But I hope that gets resolved.  His husband and I have both been there this whole time trying to be as supportive and loving as possible. 

[Batya33]

I think dwelling on the past is normal.  Especially when you feel there is a parallel.  For me I find it can be positive if it spurs me to action now - and, sure, apologizing to people in the past or owning a mistake in some way that makes sense is good but I mean more actions that have nothing to do with that particular person but reflect growth now and going forward.  

I was bullied in certain jobs/office environments -we were in our 20s and 30s. I don't think it's age-related.

[Cynder]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think dwelling on the past is normal.  Especially when you feel there is a parallel.  For me I find it can be positive if it spurs me to action now - and, sure, apologizing to people in the past or owning a mistake in some way that makes sense is good but I mean more actions that have nothing to do with that particular person but reflect growth now and going forward.  

I was bullied in certain jobs/office environments -we were in our 20s and 30s. I don't think it's age-related.

I've been bullied as an adult too at work.  At least in adulthood we have better tools to process it. 

[Cynder]

31 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think dwelling on the past is normal.  Especially when you feel there is a parallel.  For me I find it can be positive if it spurs me to action now - and, sure, apologizing to people in the past or owning a mistake in some way that makes sense is good but I mean more actions that have nothing to do with that particular person but reflect growth now and going forward.  

I was bullied in certain jobs/office environments -we were in our 20s and 30s. I don't think it's age-related.

When I think of things I've done that were really bad, two come to mind right away and they both were things I said.  I was 18 when both these things happened, too. 

My sister's boyfriend broke up with her.  Even though he didn't say it, she suspected her ended the relationship because he wanted to get high all the time.  In the weeks leading up to it he had been hanging out with this stoner crowd and smoking weed all the time.  Well, one day my bf called when my sister and I were arguing.  And she said, "Oh that's probably your nasty ass boyfriend."  And I looked right at her and said "Yea well at least he likes me better than weed."  The look on her face is something I still remember.  She just crumbled.  It's something I still feel bad about. 

The other one is to someone I didn't really know.  My bf (the same bf) was really active on a few gaming sites like Pogo, etc.  And he met this girl on there and it was obvious there was a mutual crush.  He was always talking about her, etc.  He was 20 and she was 35 so it was really creepy.  And he told me once, "Her and I are like mirrors of each other.  She is just like me."  he called her his mirror soul, whatever that means.  And he went on to tell me that this woman attempted suicide and the only reason she surived was because the gun jammed. 

Well he loved picking fights and pitting people against each other.  So he convinced her to email me.  It was this snarky email about how her and my man talk about so many things because I can't have a real conversation with him, etc.  I am not in any way proud of what I said to her.  But it was basically, "Jeez it really sucks that the gun jammed."

Looking back it probably wasn't even her.  It was probably him under a fake account just trying to start stuff.  But still...  I really hate that I said that to someone.  I really hope it wasn't her and if it was I hope the suicide story wasn't real. 

I wasn't always a nice person. 

[Batya33]

We all make mistakes and I don't have to tell you -as you know and you've likely written here it matters how you react/whether you repeat.  I cringe (!!!) when I think of stuff I blurted out.  But also I've said stuff I stand by 100% and been the victim of others twisting my words or saying I said something I never said.  I have a former friend -former because of last straw stuff - who had me over for a holiday dinner. 

She and I met when we were young and went to some of the same schools.  I told her friends I'd gone to high school A for 2 years then transferred to High school B.  High school A was for smart kids lol - very hard to get into.  I simply stated it as a fact because they were asking me if I knew such and such person/teacher and I explained I didn't go to High school B (my local high school) for the whole 4 years.

She told me later I was lying to her friends -that I'd never gone to A (she'd gone to neither A or B).  Why was I (bragging) that I'd gone to A.  She absolutely knew I'd gone to A and perhaps forgot.

So you know it goes both ways -certainly an intentionally hurtful comment is a mistake -was I wrong to paste notes on every single mirror in our house when my sister and I were young proclaiming how ugly and awful she was??? (she was so pretty and only awful to me her little sister) - she was an insecure teenager and I'm sure she laughed it off but yes it was meant to get revenge and hurt her. I was wrong -it was awful of me -I wouldn't want my son to do that to anyone - and - we moved past all the crappy things we did to each other back then

I also have in certain instances forgiven my high school bullies who I am now FB friends with/friendly with.  Honestly I still feel cautious sometimes -I mean -you get it -it's not like poof it all goes away!

 

[Cynder]

This situation is getting so exhausting. 

[Type O Negative]

8 minutes ago, Cynder said:

This situation is getting so exhausting. 

What's happenin..

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Cynder said:

This situation is getting so exhausting. 

Maybe it's time to end the relationship. 

You can be friends and love someone from a distance, but when a relationship is becoming detrimental to your own emotional peace and well-being, it's time to respectfully bow out. 

[Cynder]

Last night was just one of those nights when everything was getting to me.  And I hope to Gods the pharmacy has my script ready today because I'm about to be out of my meds.  I can function without them.  But not taking antidepressants the way you're supposed to can really mess with someone.  In the past if I've had to go a few days without them I've felt fine during those few days but then when I get them and take them again I feel really off for a few days. 

Last night he messaged me and told me he was going to call me on his way home from OM.  But then his battery was almost dead.  It was an hour drive.  I would rather he save that in case he needs it rather than waste it on me.  And I know it really was too because Life360 shows how much battery life we all have. 

I draw on my break at work.  And this lady who comes in there late at night who is a total nightmare of a customer came in last night when I was on break.  This woman has called me the B word, the C word, the r word, etc.  If the tanning bed she wants is occupied I get cussed out.  If the tanning bed she wants was just used and needs to cool down and be cleaned, I get cussed out.  (She's a mental health professional too, which is so disturbing...)  Well last night she came in when I was on break and drawing.  I thought for sure I was going to hear all about what a lazy POS I am for sitting there drawing.  But instead she's like, "Oh my God!  Did you draw that!"  I told her yes.  And she's like, "Wow, you're so talented!" 

For some reason this was really hard for me to process.  I don't know why but I didn't feel right the rest of the night. 

I am in the roll of the supporter and the positive person in this triangle.  He doesn't talk to his husband about his depression because his husband never knows what to say and basically gives one word answers.  I know what to say and I make him feel better.  He has told me I give more support than anyone.  But right now there's no one giving me any support.  And when am I going to be rewarded for all this support?  I mean, I am not just doing it for an eventual reward.  But why does the bad karma come more than the good karma?

I do random acts of kindness whenever I can.  I write nice things on post its and put them up in public where I know people will see them.  I know some of the customers at work well enough to know what music they like.  So I play that music when they are in there.  I try so hard to make other people's day better, etc.  Why?

I am expected to be this positive person all the time and be the good listener.  I also am always trying to distract myself with something.  There are days when I can't take it though.  And some days I can't distract myself and have to just sit with the pain. 

 

[Batya33]

I also would feel weird if some entitled witchy person was overly nice all of a sudden -but better than witchy! I hate when customer service people are mistreated-especially these days/post-pandemic, all they in particular went through etc.  

The way you describe the triangle sounds more like a familial/parental or therapy relationship as opposed to a romantic relationship and maybe that's why your thoughts go to "reward" because typically -with exceptions -in a romantic relationship it's reciprocated like in a friendship so even during tough times it's not really about reward because the reward is basically -being with your person in general.  

I wouldn't focus on his husband -you don't know him well enough and you don't know what he can handle - so his one word answers may be part of self-protection -he may have done a lot more or thought he did and is doing what he can while also making sure he can function well.  I think you should shift focus to your well-being and I'm glad you're getting your meds for one thing and also considering that this is too one-sided for it to go on much longer in this way.  That shows you caring for you, too.

[Cynder]

37 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I also would feel weird if some entitled witchy person was overly nice all of a sudden -but better than witchy! I hate when customer service people are mistreated-especially these days/post-pandemic, all they in particular went through etc.  

The way you describe the triangle sounds more like a familial/parental or therapy relationship as opposed to a romantic relationship and maybe that's why your thoughts go to "reward" because typically -with exceptions -in a romantic relationship it's reciprocated like in a friendship so even during tough times it's not really about reward because the reward is basically -being with your person in general.  

I wouldn't focus on his husband -you don't know him well enough and you don't know what he can handle - so his one word answers may be part of self-protection -he may have done a lot more or thought he did and is doing what he can while also making sure he can function well.  I think you should shift focus to your well-being and I'm glad you're getting your meds for one thing and also considering that this is too one-sided for it to go on much longer in this way.  That shows you caring for you, too.

She works at the place where I go to therapy.  And Thursday when I was sitting in the waiting room she came into the room and looked right at me.  So, her sudden change in attitude is probably because I'm a client at her work.  I have videos of her cussing me out.  Honestly if I wanted to I could probably get her fired.  That isn't me being on a power trip either.  People get fired for stuff like that all the time now that everyone has the means to record video whenever they want. 

I hope it didn't come off like I was judging his husband for handling it that way.  I'm not.  Some people just aren't hardwired that way.  He deals with it that best way he can.  D is the one who has a problem with his one word answers.  That's why I'm the one he always talks to.  And while I'm glad he feels that comfortable with me, it gets exhausting.  Lately things have seemed better.  I just keep trying to remind myself of that.  I am just scared to get comfortable thinking things will get better because from my experience, they won't.  Things rarely do. Not just in this situation but in every situation.  Things just suck and most people are crap.  I don't expect much from anyone or anything. 

I am trying my best to take care of myself.  I work out every day.  I try to meditate every day but don't always find the time.  I've been working a lot on my novel.  My writing coach told me to find all the time the word "was" occurs in a story and try to re write the sentences to not include it (Unless it's absolutely necessary.)  This has been a really interesting exercise for me.  I've been revising the chapters I have written already of the novel and trying to polish them up the best I can.  I've made the novel my focus for the last 6 weeks or so.  I haven't painted much of anything because my painting comes from happiness.  My writing comes from suffering, so I'm taking advantage of the suffering while it's here. 

I've also been trying to eat as little processed food as possible.  Aside from taking meds, I am basically living like I'm prepping my body for an Ayahuasca ceremony.  Even though I'm not.  I couldn't handle that right now even if I wanted it.

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, Cynder said:

hope it didn't come off like I was judging his husband for handling it that way.  I'm not.  Some people just aren't hardwired that way.  He deals with it that best way he can. 

He might be completely hardwired and excellent at knowing what to do and also know he is not going to use his skills right now because then he wouldn't be taking care of himself and/or he's told his spouse he will be there for him in a different way when his spouse does x or y to take care of himself.  I know you're not judging but I'd make no assumptions since we can't know what goes on in a marriage totally as an outsider.

Exhausting to this extent is a red flag IMO - the -get your oxygen mask on kind of thing.....

I'm glad you're finding your creative outlets!!

[Cynder]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

He might be completely hardwired and excellent at knowing what to do and also know he is not going to use his skills right now because then he wouldn't be taking care of himself and/or he's told his spouse he will be there for him in a different way when his spouse does x or y to take care of himself.  I know you're not judging but I'd make no assumptions since we can't know what goes on in a marriage totally as an outsider.

I'm glad you're finding your creative outlets!!

I have considered this approach also.  Tough love, I guess.  I just have a really hard time being this way. 

I have one of the biggest festivals of the year this weekend.  I'm not excited.  I don't really care.  I don't even want to go.  I've been trying to think of ways to make this weekend as pleasant as possible for myself.  But it's hard to make any time for myself when I'm going to be working 12 hours a day for three days.  There won't be any time for anything other than work and sleep. 

He is planning on coming to see me.  But I also know how much plans change.  I've pretty much let go of any expectation that I will see him this weekend at all.  If I do, then that's great.  But I don't want to get my hopses up jsut for him to tell me he's busy, etc. 

[Batya33]

I understand. I didn't mean his approach was tough love - it might be but what I described I don't consider tough at all.  I do suspect his approach has to do with him taking care of himself too.  Just based on basic common sense.

I absolutely wouldn't count on him keeping any in person plans because of the travel and time commitment - it doesn't sound like he's well enough. I'm sorry!

[MissCanuck]

15 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I have one of the biggest festivals of the year this weekend.  I'm not excited.  I don't really care.  I don't even want to go

I suspect the reason behind this is right here:

15 minutes ago, Cynder said:

But I don't want to get my hopses up jsut for him to tell me he's busy

It is very difficult to look forward to something when you also know you might wind up feeling very hurt by the outcome. I agree with Batya that I wouldn't count on him coming. It doesn't seem it will happen. It might be easier to face the weekend if you proceed as though he won't make it. Then you'll be better emotionally-prepared if that is what happens. 

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

Last night was just one of those nights when everything was getting to me

I think you're also starting to admit (to yourself) that this whole situation is just not sustainable. You're recognizing how unhappy you are. He is going through a tough time, yes, but a relationship can't really survive on random good moments here and there. 

[Cynder]

Last night he called me during my slow time at work.  He almost never cold calls me.  I am fortunate enough to work a job where I can take my break whenever I want as long as my work gets done.  So since he almost never cold calls, my first thought was something must be wrong. 

But, he just wanted to call me.  And we had one of the best conversations we've had in a long time.  The gym was empty and I was on the phone with him for over an hour. 

We talked about the training he is going through for peer counseling, etc.  He is really trying to finish it by October so he can start working.  He has a job offer. 

He doesn't have any plans to keep going to ketamine therapy right now.  He is convinced that it won't help as long as his mil lives in his house.  Personally, I don't understand what her being there has to do with Ketamine not working.  But I'm not dismissing it.  I've never lived with an abusive MIL and I've never done Ketamine.  There has to be a reason.  I didn't press him for it. 

I asked him if he even has any plans to come to CPPD this year (that's the festival we met at in 2017 and it's also kind of an anniversary for us this year.)  Our first date was after I closed my booth down on Saturday last year at CPPD.  He had been there all day walking around and hanging out with me.  He went home to take a shower and came back all dressed up to take me out.  I am not someone who puts a lot of value on stuff like that.  But he does.  And I've just been expecting nothing from him for so long that I figured CPPD would come and go and he wouldn't even show up.  Last night I asked him if he's coming this year and he was like, "Of course I'm coming. That's our show!"

And then we also  made plans to go to SF together this year.  SF is a festival he has been working at for years.  I've never worked it but I've gone.  I asked him if he's doing it this year and he isn't.  And since he isn't, I won't either.  I was really only doing it because him and I were sharing a booth.  It was likely not going to be a money maker, either.  But we decided we will just go and have fun and not worry about working.  Going to festivals just to go is something surreal when I get to do it.  It doesn't happen often, though. 

This past weekend he was at OM.  I donated a drawing a while back that he was going to raffle off for donations to the animal rescue.  This was in early May.  I never heard anything about it so I figured he just forgot or decided not to do it, etc.  He told me that I got the animal rescue $243 last weekend and a few animals are going to get spayed/neutered because of my drawing. 

I told him I want to come up to his house soon and make Puttanesca.  My grandma was from Italy.  I grew up eating good Italian food.  I've been telling him about her cooking.  So I really want to make something she used to make. 

So basically... we talked on the phone about all this stuff we want to do in the near future.  I guess time will tell if we actually do it.  He is still planning on coming to see me this weekend at the festival I will be at. 

I think he was starting to sense that on my end I was thinking this relationship is as good as over.  And maybe he woke up and had a moment of clarity.  Maybe he figured he better step up and make some more effort or else he would lose me.  Because if things would have kept going the direction they were going he would have. 

[Batya33]

Were you tempted to ask him why he called and whether he'd been feeling distance, etc between you two? 

I'm so glad you had a good conversation!

I love authentic Italian food.  Our favorite place near where we both grew up -and had our wedding lunch -closed after 40 years.  Their eggplant parm was the best. It was on a corner in a big old house turned into a restaurant and you felt like you were eating in their home.  We were regulars.  Not fancy, not pricey at all. I think pandemic issues were sort of the last straw??

[Cynder]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Were you tempted to ask him why he called and whether he'd been feeling distance, etc between you two? 

I'm so glad you had a good conversation!

I love authentic Italian food.  Our favorite place near where we both grew up -and had our wedding lunch -closed after 40 years.  Their eggplant parm was the best. It was on a corner in a big old house turned into a restaurant and you felt like you were eating in their home.  We were regulars.  Not fancy, not pricey at all. I think pandemic issues were sort of the last straw??

No, I wasn't.  But I kind of know why he called.  I slept really late into the day yesterday.  And I woke up feeling completely gutted for some reason.  It was like out of nowhere this really bad feeling.  And I messaged him and told him I felt that way. 

When I answered the phone and we started talking he asked me if something happened that triggered it or did I just wake up feeling like that.  I told him I think I forgot to take my meds yesterday. 

So, I'm guessing he called because he was worried. 

I told him I haven't painted much lately because I paint when I'm happy.  But I write when I'm unhappy.  So I've really been pouring all I have into my novel right now because if I'm going to suffer, I'm going to make something good come from it. 

So many good places, Mom and Pop shops, hidden gems, etc, closed down as a result of the pandemic.  There used to be a lot of good Italian food in my town because this is a town with a huge Italian population.  But they are all gone now.  Now we have one high priced, fancy place that serves very Americanized Italian food and we have an authentic Italian Pizza place that has been in business since the 40s.  The Pizza place is amazing but a lot of people think they are on their way out, too, sadly.  They don't want to evolve with the times.  They still only take cash.  They don't deliver.  Etc. 

My family has a street named after us in this city and my Grandpa had a table that was permanently reserved for him and this one bar.  We've had this long running joke about my Grandpa being a secret Mob Boss.  

My Dad's family is Irish and Norwegian... so I am an interesting mix.  Most people are, though.  I've been to Norway three times but haven't been to Italy yet.  I really need to get off my ass. 

Anyway... I'm done rambling now. 

[Batya33]

I’m glad writing helps !  Yes tjsf makes sense why he called. Where I grew up has the most amazing Italian food. This city not so much. Years ago there was an authentic Italian pizza place down the block and the owners were from near where I grew up. I think rent increases drove them out unfortunately. When we moved I had to get used to people referring to “cheese pizza”. Huh?? It’s “pizza “. 
I’ve been to Sweden but not Norway. I loved it. 

[Cynder]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I’m glad writing helps !  Yes tjsf makes sense why he called. Where I grew up has the most amazing Italian food. This city not so much. Years ago there was an authentic Italian pizza place down the block and the owners were from near where I grew up. I think rent increases drove them out unfortunately. When we moved I had to get used to people referring to “cheese pizza”. Huh?? It’s “pizza “. 
I’ve been to Sweden but not Norway. I loved it. 

I've been to Norway and Denmark, but haven't made it to Sweden yet. 

I know this is a weird thing, but the fact that I've been tattooed in multiple countries is something I'm really proud of.

I live in a working class town where most people are below the federal poverty line.  Having been out of the US (and Canada doesn't count since I live near the border) is a huge deal to most people I know.  And for the record, I know having been to Canada means you've left the US.  I'm just saying people in my area don't see it as a big deal since it's so easy to go there. 

People here also act like leaving the country is this insanely dangerous thing.  So many people tried to talk me out of going.  They would talk about how the rest of the world hates us and I will be beaten up as soon as I get off the plane, etc.  Uh... part of the reason the rest of the world hates us is because of assumptions like that. 

 

[Batya33]

Just now, Cynder said:

I've been to Norway and Denmark, but haven't made it to Sweden yet. 

I know this is a weird thing, but the fact that I've been tattooed in multiple countries is something I'm really proud of.

I live in a working class town where most people are below the federal poverty line.  Having been out of the US (and Canada doesn't count since I live near the border) is a huge deal to most people I know.  And for the record, I know having been to Canada means you've left the US.  I'm just saying people in my area don't see it as a big deal since it's so easy to go there. 

 

Yes - I’ve been to Buffalo a number of times and people who live there very often cross over. I didn’t leave the country or go on a plane until I was almost 16.  But then it was a teen tour in a foreign country which my grandmother gifted me.  

[Cynder]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes - I’ve been to Buffalo a number of times and people who live there very often cross over. I didn’t leave the country or go on a plane until I was almost 16.  But then it was a teen tour in a foreign country which my grandmother gifted me.  

All of my siblings went on international trips when they graduated high school, paid for by my parents.  This was something that pissed me off so much at the time.  I was told I didn't get a trip because I didn't ask.  Well, I was the oldest.  So how was I supposed to know it was even an option.  When my sister graduated they offered it to her and asked where she wanted to go.  She went to Canada because she's boring.  My brother went to Cancun.  My other brother went to Jamaica. 

Then ten years later they felt bad and offered to pay for me to go to Norway.  So I did all the work, got my passport, did all kinds of research on where to stay, flights, etc.  And then they decided to tell me in front of everyone at a family gathering that they were reneging on the offer because I am just too stupid to travel to Europe alone. 

So then I made it a personal mission to go to Norway by myself.  I was adamant about doing this with no help at all from family.  I wouldn't even let any of them take me to the airport.  They all were so pissed off about this.  And I told them, "Hey, you guys think I'm too stupid to do this.  So I'm doing it on my own."  My parents actually talked about calling the airport ahead of time and telling airport staff that I'm "the r word" because they thought they wouldn't let me on the plane if that was the case.  I'm not making this up, this is how dysfunctional my family is at times.  So I made sure no one knew when I was taking off, what flight, what airline, etc. 

They were trying to persuade my sister to go over there at the same time to keep an eye on me, also.  My sister is a mean girl.  She peaked in high school.  She never grew out of that catty high school way, either.  I could just see it.  Me over there trying to have a good time.  her following me around telling everyone, "Yea, my parents sent me over there to babysit my r worded sister... God...  I hate this."  And the messed up thing is they were going to apy for her to go.  

Now they don't think I'm an idiot anymore.  It's like that's what I had to do to finally get some respect. 

[Cynder]

I know this is off topic from this thread... but the idea of proving my family wrong...  It has me thinking about how they will react when my novel is published. 

When I was a kid all I wanted to be was an author and an artist.  And I was told all throughout my childhood and teen years to let that go because it would never happen.  I had a painting entered in a competition by an art teacher in high school and it placed 3rd.  I mean yea, it didn't win, but but 3rd place out of hundreds of entries is still something to be proud of.  I won a fiction contest at age 12 and had a short story published.  But even after all this, "You'll never be an author.  You'll never be an artist.  Give it up."  I was told they were just trying to protect me from a big disappointment.  I was also told that computers and the internet are taking over so in 20 years no one will even read books anymore.  Well, thanks to the internet it's easier than ever for artists and indie authors to do well now. 

So, I just wonder... when my novel is done and released, how it will be received among family members.  And just another thing I find interesting...  I have been hired to do multiple book covers.  I was just commissioned to do a cover last week.  And my writing mentor has told me he wants me to do the cover for his next book.  I just think that's funny too since my parents were so set on the idea that books would be obsolete in 20 years. 

[Cynder]

I woke up to a sweet message from him yesterday.  And we were in regular communication throughout the night last night.  I can't wait to see him this weekend at RCTC.  (That's a festival.)

All this stuff going on with him has messed with me so much that I feel so unprepared for this show.  But I am pulling it together.  I'm going to pick up my new batch of magnets later today, as well as new prints.  I'll spend tonight packing since I'll be gone for 4 days.  Then work, come home and sleep for a few hours, and then I leave tomorrow afternoon. 

And I'm off a few days in the middle of next week.  We were talking about me going up to his place and cooking some Italian food then. 

But, I don't want to get too comfortable and start thinking things are going back to normal (I hate that word, but I'm using it for lack of a better word) because whenever I do, things get worse.