Depressed SO, Feeling Overwhelmed...

[Cynder]

Also... I should mention I talked to his son yesterday. 

He was saying he is feeling really low.  I asked why, and he said everything that happened is just catching up with him.  He said D's husband hasn't said a word to him since it all went down.  I said He's a really busy person.  I told him I messaged D's husband a few days ago and he hasn't answered me.  It usually takes him a while to reply. 

He told me A, a family friend he was close to, blocked him on Facebook.  And he said he just feels sad because it feels like everyone is against him. 

I said, "I don't know if it helps, but I don't think any differently of you since all that happened."

He said knowing that does help a lot. 

I hope this gets resolved.  I am staying as neutral as possible.  Neither of them are saints.  They both had something to do with it.  D is a hardass when it comes to parenting and his son is also an angry teenager who gets mean when he's pissed.  He calls D Mom a lot when he's pissed off and sometimes even uses his deadname (in otherwords, calls him the name he had when he was a woman.)  He has also made comments like, "Yea well at least I have real balls."  I mean, that's pretty low, teenager or not.  I'm not a parent so I don't think I have any right to comment on how D raises his son.  But from what I've seen, sometimes he does expect a little too much from his son.  His son is autistic and his mental age isn't the same as his actual age.  I mean, he's not severely delayed.  But he is immature for his age.  And D expects him to be an adult.  Once again, I'm not a parent...  But he isn't an adult.  So expecting him to act like an adult isn't fair or realistic.  

My parents expected this of me at a young age, too.  And I am most likely on the spectrum.  If I were a kid now and was taken to a doctor, I would bet my last 10 paychecks that I would be diagnosed with Autism.  I fit the profile really well, especially as a child.  Having such high expectations put on me at a young age messed me up.  Especially when the people who expected so much from me were always getting drunk and partying.  Not saying there's anything wrong with drinking and partying necessarily.  But they were parents not acting like parents, and expecting their kid to act like more of an adult than them.

[Batya33]

My son is 14 and he's said to me more than once "Mom I love you even though you can be really [thoughtful pause] REALLY annoying."  I'll take it! (he also admits he can be really annoying -he is correct).

Where is the other parent? Are there grandparents/other family members/family friends involved or available? Sometimes it takes a village.  Certainly my husband and I tag team -different parenting styles often does the trick.  And TBH when it comes to Boy Stuff I really do try to have my husband deal with it although I was the parent who did and does the requisite sex ed stuff (I relied heavily on a recommended book -no no way could I have done it just with a "talk").  

I think the deadname thing is normal I mean don't all teenagers call their parents mean names at times? It's just one that's easy for him to remember, sadly. 

 

[Cynder]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

My son is 14 and he's said to me more than once "Mom I love you even though you can be really [thoughtful pause] REALLY annoying."  I'll take it! (he also admits he can be really annoying -he is correct).

Where is the other parent? Are there grandparents/other family members/family friends involved or available? Sometimes it takes a village.  Certainly my husband and I tag team -different parenting styles often does the trick.  And TBH when it comes to Boy Stuff I really do try to have my husband deal with it although I was the parent who did and does the requisite sex ed stuff (I relied heavily on a recommended book -no no way could I have done it just with a "talk").  

I think the deadname thing is normal I mean don't all teenagers call their parents mean names at times? It's just one that's easy for him to remember, sadly. 

 

Idk... calling a trans person their deadname is one of the worst things you could say to most of them.  Some don't really care but from what I've seen that is rare.  It's one thing to call someone an idiot or whatever.  It's a whole other thing to call them something that invalidates their identity. 

The other parent is a thousand miles away living his life with his family.  And D is pretty much estranged from his family at this point.  And even if he wasn't, they are all in Germany.  His bio family has a real problem with him transitioning.  They have the attitude of, "You're not our daughter/sister.  You're a stranger." 

He has people he considers family here in the states.  There's a lady he calls Mom.  He has a female friend he refers to as his sister and her daughter is his niece.  All these people are involved in his son's life also.  I did just o some investigating though and see none of them are friends with him on Facebook anymore. (Meaning all these chosen family members aren't friends with his son on Facebook anymore....)

He (son) currently lives out of state with his boyfriend.  So he is safe and in a positive environment. But he really wants a mother figure.  He has posted on Facebook about wishing he had a mom.  He posted a lot of sad stuff around Mother's Day.  He calls me his step Mom.  I think a big part of it is that he resents D for transitioning because now he doesn't have a mother anymore.  But D also started transitioning over a decade ago when his son was really young.  So it's not like this was recent.  Still though...  I'm not a child psychologist though so I'll stop analyzing.  I'm just trying to show support to them both and be as neutral as I can.  

[Cynder]

So, everything I can do for RCTC at this point is done.  I have that nervous butterfly feeling before a big show.  But I also have that feeling about probably seeing him this weekend. 

I hope everything goes well.  With him, but also with this show.  I hope it makes up for Hell City.  Hell City completely took the wind out of my sales this year. 

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Cynder said:

So, everything I can do for RCTC at this point is done.  I have that nervous butterfly feeling before a big show.  But I also have that feeling about probably seeing him this weekend. 

I hope everything goes well.  With him, but also with this show.  I hope it makes up for Hell City.  Hell City completely took the wind out of my sales this year. 

Good luck!!! And thank you for the info on the dead name. Had no idea -and yes I know many in the LGBQT community.  Have since the 80s.  It reminds me a bit -a bit -of the judgey comments I got from some when I changed to my married name from my maiden -including some who kept insisting on hyphenating me - it's not offensive though -but it is annoying.  Sometimes when my son is annoyed with me he says OK Mrs. [my first name, maiden name-married name].

Good luck at the event!!!

[Cynder]

39 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Good luck!!! And thank you for the info on the dead name. Had no idea -and yes I know many in the LGBQT community.  Have since the 80s.  

I wasn't assuming you didn't.  Most people do.  I know a lot of trans people just from being involved int he festival scene.  The festival scene is pretty accepting of everyone, so they feel comfortable there.  And some really don't care...  Like Z didn't really care if people that knew her for a long time called her by her deadname.  Her deadname was also a unisex name, though.  But there are some who won't even tell anyone their deadname.  That's a bit of info that is no longer relevant, so they don't feel like anyone needs to know. 

D hates being called by his deadname.  He doesn't even tell most people what is was.  His deadname is also a really feminine name, though. 

This is off the subject of deadnames but it is something I wanted to write about in this thread...  The song Easy by Troye Sivan... They play that song at work at least once a night.  It's not the kind of music I normally listen to, never been into pop music.  But twice this week that song has played at work and I've had to make an effort to not pay attention to it because it makes me emotional. 

It's a song about a couple in a troubled relationship, but who want to work things out.  It's inferred in the lyrics that someone cheated.  Which isn't the same as my situation.  But it's still a relationship that is in trouble and we both still want to get through it. 

Our inspection is today at work (supposedly... they've been saying that for two weeks now.  Honestly if this is just some ploy to make me clean more thoroughly I really wish they would just drop it and ask me to clean more thoroughly.)  So every night I go int to work and stress out about the inspection, and think I have to clean every nook and cranny in the whole place. 

Well, last night I was cleaning away and that damn song came on.  And I was the only one there.  It was like AM.  So I didn't tune it out and just let myself get emotional.  I was in a back room at the time.  I just figured hey... I've been holding so much in for months.  If a song is what brings some of it out, then fine. 

You ran away to find something to say
I went astray to make it okay
And he made it easy, darlin'

I'm still in love and I say that because
I know how it seems, between you and me
It hasn't been easy, darlin'

I can't even look at you
Would you look at the space just next to your feet?
The wood is warping
The lines distorting
This house is on fire (woo!)
Burning the tears right off my face
What the hell did we do?
Tell me we'll make it through

'Cause he made it easy
Easy
Please don't leave me
Leave me (easy)

What's left of the dance
The sun on my hands
The rock in my throat, a hair on my coat
The stranger at home, my darling
(Like some kind of freak, my darling)

Now I'm vulnerable, so sad and alone
But don't cry for me 'cause everyone knows
You reap what you sow, my darling
Yeah, yeah, yeah

I can't even look at you
Would you look at the space just next to your feet?
The wood is warping
The lines distorting
This house is on fire (woo!)
Burning the tears right off my face
What the hell did we do?
Tell me we'll make it through

'Cause he made it easy
Easy
Please don't leave me
Don't leave me

I can't even look at you
Would you look at the space just next to your feet?
The wood is warping
The lines distorting
This house is on fire (woo!)
Burning the tears right off my face
What the hell did we do?
Tell me we'll make it through

'Cause he made it easy
Easy
Please don't leave me (no)
Don't leave me

[Batya33]

Songs really get to me too. In a different way -more like a nostalgic way -mine is The Dreaming Road by Mary Chapin Carpenter. I was never a country music person until about 20 years ago when a then bf turned me on to it.  More country-folk.  It's a gorgeous song-the lyrics.  And how she sings it.

I'm accepting too and appreciate the same acceptance in return.  I live in a neighborhood with a large and thriving gay community.  From early on my son has had friends who have two dads/two moms, etc.   When we read the series of sex ed books recommended by his pediatrician the last of the series was updated in the last 2 years and covers a lot of information about the LGBQT community, including how they create/have families, pronoun use, etc.  I never ever could have explained it to him -he was maybe 11-12 at the time? As coherently/ comprehensively as this book did.  His pediatrician recommended this series for sex ed.  He made a friend at camp last year who was transitioning to male and he found it confusing.  But less confusing than if he wasn't informed already.

[Cynder]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Songs really get to me too. In a different way -more like a nostalgic way -mine is The Dreaming Road by Mary Chapin Carpenter. I was never a country music person until about 20 years ago when a then bf turned me on to it.  More country-folk.  It's a gorgeous song-the lyrics.  And how she sings it.

I'm accepting too and appreciate the same acceptance in return.  I live in a neighborhood with a large and thriving gay community.  From early on my son has had friends who have two dads/two moms, etc.   When we read the series of sex ed books recommended by his pediatrician the last of the series was updated in the last 2 years and covers a lot of information about the LGBQT community, including how they create/have families, pronoun use, etc.  I never ever could have explained it to him -he was maybe 11-12 at the time? As coherently/ comprehensively as this book did.  His pediatrician recommended this series for sex ed.  He made a friend at camp last year who was transitioning to male and he found it confusing.  But less confusing than if he wasn't informed already.

I have mixed feelings about kids transitioning.  I think everyone should have the freedom to be who they are, etc.  But our brains aren't fully developed until about 25 years.  So I wonder how many of these young kids who transition will regret it later.  Maybe regret isn't even the right word... how many will realize later on that wasn't actually what they wanted. 

A few years ago it seemed like it was really a trendy thing to be trans.  And I have friends with teenage kids who jumped on that bandwagon.  And now none of those kids identify as that anymore.  I'm not saying every teen who wants to transition is doing it because it's trendy, etc.  But there are a lot of people that age who did.  None of my friends' kids started on HRT or started their transition medically, though. 

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, Cynder said:

I have mixed feelings about kids transitioning.  I think everyone should have the freedom to be who they are, etc.  But our brains aren't fully developed until about 25 years.  So I wonder how many of these young kids who transition will regret it later.  Maybe regret isn't even the right word... how many will realize later on that wasn't actually what they wanted. 

A few years ago it seemed like it was really a trendy thing to be trans.  And I have friends with teenage kids who jumped on that bandwagon.  And now none of those kids identify as that anymore.  I'm not saying every teen who wants to transition is doing it because it's trendy, etc.  But there are a lot of people that age who did.  None of my friends' kids started on HRT or started their transition medically, though. 

Yes - my friend's teenage daughter transitioned.  The other one did not.  I simply don't have enough information to know and no personal experience.  To me it's such a sensitive topic -and a minefield of all sorts so I never actually discuss it in detail and never ever with parents of kids who are in that situation.  I listen - I read posts -I don't discuss/give opinions/give input.  

[Cynder]

I am not going to go into tons of detail on this thread about the festival I'm at this weekend.  But a lot of people wanted to know when we would see each other next.  He came and helped me set up last night without even being asked, and then we spent the whole rest of the evening together.  He might come to the convention tomorrow and hang out.  But he isn't sure.  He has a big cleaning job he's working on right now.  Personally I won't be upset if he doesn't.  I mean yea, it would be great to see him tomorrow.  But Saturday is always the busy day at festivals.  So if he comes tomorrow he might not even get to spend much time with me or he might feel obligated to be at my booth with me all day helping.  I don't want him to feel ignored or obligated to work for free.  I got to hang out and have a good time with him last night and I'm really grateful for that. 

[Batya33]

Glad you two enjoyed spending time with him and good luck at the festival!

[Cynder]

Deleted since people are just twisting this around.  But just for context, here's ALL I said about Lif360.  Never once said I needed it to see if he was lying, etc.  Only mentioned it because so many of the negative minded people here would have said, "Well how do you know he wasn't just lying???  A dying phone is the oldest excuse in the book!!!" 

"He told me he was about to drive and his battery was really low.  But he would call me as soon as he got home and put his phone on the charger.  And if anyone is wondering, Life360 confirmed all of this.  You can see on there when someone's battery is low, etc."

 

[Batya33]

I think if you need an app like Life360 to confirm whether your SO is lying about not being able to call that's the real issue.  Whether he's depressed, fine, otherwise.  Could he have emailed you at least-knowing you weren't feeling well?? I'd be careful too with the dynamic of -ok he steps up to the plate out of fear of losing me. It's not sustainable or fun IMO.

I'm glad Sunday was better business wise.  Last week I bought an extra bag of fruit from a vendor at our weekly farmer market here - I didn't really need it and wasn't sure if the apples were ready yet -but I really want to support these vendors - (I gifted them to my friend who likely can use really tart apples in something she bakes). 

I do try to support vendors -and for sure the arts.  We have major art festivals several times a year a few blocks away plus I live walking distance from major theaters and museums.  

I would have the toilet installed -don't put yourself through the stress of wondering if he's actually going to show up and - there's too much that can go wrong IMO if you DIY.  More power to you if you can!!

I hope things are better -more balanced -today.

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think if you need an app like Life360 to confirm whether your SO is lying about not being able to call that's the real issue. 

Not worth it.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think if you need an app like Life360 to confirm whether your SO is lying about not being able to call that's the real issue.

I completely agree. This should not be necessary, and it's concerning that you feel compelled to verify, Cynder. I don't mean that as a shot at you, but rather that it speaks to the overall stress and uncertainty in this relationship. I can't say I've ever even though to use an app like this. 

I think you are unfortunately realizing that he is just not that reliable, and many things come before you. As such, I would get someone else to install the toilet as well. You've waited on him long enough. 

I'm sorry. It's clear that this relationship is causing you all kinds of distress and your needs are not being met. I don't think he's a bad guy, to be very clear. But I think he's not going to be able to give you the sort of relationship you want and deserve. 

[Cynder]

Not worth it. 

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I'm sure I'm so dysfunctional for even having that app on my phone.

I didn't say that, and would appreciate if you avoid putting words in my mouth. Thank you. 

7 minutes ago, Cynder said:

So many people just don't like positive updates

No, not the case.

It's that it's clear that you aren't very happy in this relationship and it causes you a lot of anxiety and emotional stress. This latest update is an extension of that. Yes, there are bits of positive things mixed in but the overall picture is that you are on eggshells with this man most of the time and it's got you in knots a lot. 

I realize it's upsetting for you to read, but you do also make a lot of excuses for him and his behaviour. It's sad, because you clearly deserve so much more. 

[Cynder]

34 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I didn't say that, and would appreciate if you avoid putting words in my mouth. Thank you. 

No, not the case.

It's that it's clear that you aren't very happy in this relationship and it causes you a lot of anxiety and emotional stress. This latest update is an extension of that. Yes, there are bits of positive things mixed in but the overall picture is that you are on eggshells with this man most of the time and it's got you in knots a lot. 

I realize it's upsetting for you to read, but you do also make a lot of excuses for him and his behaviour. It's sad, because you clearly deserve so much more. 

Not worth it. 

[MissCanuck]

6 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I'm not reading the rest of your reply because you only want to zero in on one thing and twist it around.  So what you say has no value to me.

Oh, the irony. 

It doesn't bother me if you want to lash out. That's fine, and I anticipated that. It's your relationship at stake, but if you don't wish to have a constructive and mature exhange and instead put the proverbial fingers in your ears, well, it's no skin off my back.

[Cynder]

18 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Oh, the irony. 

It doesn't bother me if you want to lash out. That's fine, and I anticipated that. It's your relationship at stake, but if you don't wish to have a constructive and mature exhange and instead put the proverbial fingers in your ears, well, it's no skin off my back.

Deleted....  Not even worth my time.  🙂

[Type O Negative]

5 hours ago, Cynder said:

Not worth it.

Not worth it. 🤘

[Cynder]

3 hours ago, Type O Negative said:

Not worth it. 🤘

Yep. 

There are people here who will only see the negativity in every situation no matter what.  It gets old. 

Someone could come on here and be like, "My husband of 20 years just got a huge unexpected bonus at work and he's taking me on my dream vacation.  I'm so excited!"  And some of the people here would come back with, "Wow.  So instead of investing the money in responsible things like stocks or IRAs he's blowing it on something frivolous like a trip?  What a winner you got there!  And maybe you need to do some self reflection and figure out why you demand he spends his money only on you!  Shame on you for being so selfish and materialistic!" 

My now deleted update was full of positive things.  But all certain people care about is the one time I mentioned Life360.  Uh... apps like that exist for those situations.  I didn't hear from him when I was expecting to hear from him.   So, is everything ok?  Is he laying in a ditch somewhere?  Well, 360 says his battery is dead.  Ok, that explains it.  Now I don't have to worry that something bad happened.  But instead of seeing it that way it gets twisted into, "You need Life360 to make sure he's not lying! OMG what a dysfunctional relationship!!!"

Not saying everyone is like that but there are people here who just crave negativity and look for it everywhere. 

 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you've found people who only look for negativity and I'm sorry you feel that way about what has been posted.  I hope he feels better and best of luck on your upcoming festivals!

[Cynder]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you've found people who only look for negativity and I'm sorry you feel that way about what has been posted.  I hope he feels better and best of luck on your upcoming festivals!

Well, my update was several paragraphs long and Life360 was mentioned one time.  And then it's being twisted around into something it isn't.  That happens a lot here and it just gets old after a while. 

 

[Batya33]

Just now, Cynder said:

Well, my update was several paragraphs long and Life360 was mentioned one time.  And then it's being twisted around into something it isn't.  That happens a lot here and it just gets old after a while. 

I

I appreciate your perspective.  I saw it differently and don't evaluate it as you do but I'm backing off from further input since it is not helpful and I wish you the best as I wrote above.