Depressed SO, Feeling Overwhelmed...

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Me too. I've had this one for a long time. It started during nursing school. We were taught so many rituals that I translated into my regular life. 

One of the biggest is treating floors as the most filthy surface. So going barefoot onto another's bathroom floor, much less into a shower, always presented a problem for me.

UNTIL! I started using flip-flops. I just take clean ones like slippers wherever I overnight. I walk into the shower with them. Slip one off at a time to wash feet. Liberating!!

Aren't you afraid of slipping -more risk of it? I know -rubber soles - but... that's what scares me at times.  But I'm older....

[Cynder]

8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I think your rituals sound responsible. 

See, I don't think of rituals as bad, maybe because I was taught so many in the context of them being good, and in a professional context, even required. But then I went around the bend after hurricane Irene when my place got damaged and I had to move. 

I got it under control in about a year and a half. I go through cycles where I'm more regimented than other times, but I use those times to my advantage.

You know how I like to explain my rituals to people? It's like what batters do in baseball before they're up at bat for a pitch. Everyone has their own thing--like shaking out legs or feet then tapping the bat tip to the ground x times then twisting the shoulders or the hips--then repeat the whole sequence--and then repeat the whole sequence--until you're ready!

Nobody points to THAT as maladaptive, right?

Right?  Who decides what rituals are bad?

Mine used to be worse, though.  Like counting the cardboard.  And it used to take me a lot more time to leave the house because I would do all that and usually go back inside and do it again just to make sure. 

If only my thoughts were as easy to get under control as the rituals were.  But I've made some pretty big strides there, too. 

[Jibralta]

4 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I try so hard to not take this stuff personally....

 

.... His husband commented right after me and said, "I really wish you would talk to me about this stuff.  Sorry I failed to be your safe haven." 

I think it's very hard not to take stuff like that personally. Even his husband felt the barb!

[Batya33]

I think maybe it depends if/how much the rituals interfere with daily life.  Like if you're late for work/a plan because you're counting cardboard.  I do what Catfeeder described -it's embarrasing but if I don't in order follow all my rituals around sleep -I likely won't sleep -or if I don't do everything in a precise order every morning pre-workout -I'll forget X or Y I need -even though there isn't much!

He seems to have a childlike perspective of his world -or is it more when he's depressed and it's his way of coping -like the lemur -right now he already has several pets, adult responsibilities, and he's feeling horrible health wise -so yes as a dream like "someday I want to go to Alaska" but if it's a real plan - I really don't mean this judgy - does he actually plan for the logistics/praticalities/financial/other commitments to owning such a pet or is it more like someone else will pick up the slack -he wants what he wants.  Maybe I misread.  And maybe the childlike comes out more when he's feeling poorly. 

My 14 year old came home from a dinner/movie thing with his friend - who is fostering a ridiculously adorable kitty who I saw when I dropped him off. 

Not knowing we cannot have a kitten right now- his parents said to tell me we can adopt her if we like.  So my son was incredibly excited and I reminded him again -right now, hard NO. 

Maybe in the future when certain things are different.  He was all in -but I mean he's a kid. 

Or maybe I'm too much of a planner and "adulter" (not adulterer- one who practices Adulting) - and need to ease off and be more childlike.  Your SO just comes across to me as you write with his ideas as not being really grounded in the realities and limitations of his current situation.  While you hold down a steady job, plan for your festivals, do your art - look to the future particularly with festivals which require so much planning/adulting etc. I wonder if he thinks you're too much of a planner - other than with yummy doughnuts -then it's time for total impulsivity.  

[Cynder]

1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

I think it's very hard not to take stuff like that personally. Even his husband felt the barb!

It's also frustrating that anything negative I post upsets him.  I don't usually post really personal stuff on Facebook. Recently I posted that I feel like I am bad luck to everyone.  It was framed as sarcasm, but there was some truth to it.  And he messaged me and told me it's really frustrating to see me posting stuff like that, etc.  I didn't say it but all I could think was, "Wow. Pot, meet kettle."  

And in a twisted way I was actually relieved to see his husband say that.  It was validating in a weird way.  Like ok, I'm not the only one feeling like this. 

I know it's probably too much to ask of anyone... but I see these people who have known him for years commenting on his really negative posts...  they all know he's married.  They all know he has a girlfriend also.  He is really open about all of that.  Do they ever wonder how this is hurting us?  I'm sure probably not because most people don't devote that much thought and effort into thinking about someone else's Facebook status.  It would just be nice if someone thought about that.  

[Batya33]

Just now, Cynder said:

I'm sure probably not because most people don't devote that much thought and effort into thinking about someone else's Facebook status.  It would just be nice if someone thought about that.  

My practice is to not comment at all unless it's an appropriate emoji or neutral comment - or I private message depending on how well I know the person to see if I can help.  I mean the only reason to think about an FB status is if you plan to comment in any substantive way, publicly - otherwise to me the person who is posting a status should not expect any comments and if he/she wants true input/advice/help he/she should reach out privately or at least to a small group of people privately (assuming the person has the typically large number of FB connections).  With the exception of fundraisers or like a missing person status -something that is typically for public attention.

[Jibralta]

15 minutes ago, Cynder said:

And in a twisted way I was actually relieved to see his husband say that.  It was validating in a weird way.  Like ok, I'm not the only one feeling like this. 

I don't think that's twisted. I would totally feel relieved, too. 

[Cynder]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think maybe it depends if/how much the rituals interfere with daily life.  Like if you're late for work/a plan because you're counting cardboard.  I do what Catfeeder described -it's embarrasing but if I don't in order follow all my rituals around sleep -I likely won't sleep -or if I don't do everything in a precise order every morning pre-workout -I'll forget X or Y I need -even though there isn't much!

He seems to have a childlike perspective of his world -or is it more when he's depressed and it's his way of coping -like the lemur -right now he already has several pets, adult responsibilities, and he's feeling horrible health wise -so yes as a dream like "someday I want to go to Alaska" but if it's a real plan - I really don't mean this judgy - does he actually plan for the logistics/praticalities/financial/other commitments to owning such a pet or is it more like someone else will pick up the slack -he wants what he wants.  Maybe I misread.  And maybe the childlike comes out more when he's feeling poorly. 

My 14 year old came home from a dinner/movie thing with his friend - who is fostering a ridiculously adorable kitty who I saw when I dropped him off. 

Not knowing we cannot have a kitten right now- his parents said to tell me we can adopt her if we like.  So my son was incredibly excited and I reminded him again -right now, hard NO. 

Maybe in the future when certain things are different.  He was all in -but I mean he's a kid. 

Or maybe I'm too much of a planner and "adulter" (not adulterer- one who practices Adulting) - and need to ease off and be more childlike.  Your SO just comes across to me as you write with his ideas as not being really grounded in the realities and limitations of his current situation.  While you hold down a steady job, plan for your festivals, do your art - look to the future particularly with festivals which require so much planning/adulting etc. I wonder if he thinks you're too much of a planner - other than with yummy doughnuts -then it's time for total impulsivity.  

I don't think he is actually planning on getting a lemur right now.  He did foster a lemur for a time once and really liked having him.  But they are expensive to take care of.  Any exotic pet is.  He currently has 5 skunks, (3 of them are pets, two are fosters.)  And there are two tarantulas at his house and about a dozen snakes.   Plus 3 cats.  These aren't all pets.  Most of them are fosters.  But he needs to recognize his limits.  I understand he is running this rescue and he takes in animals that most shelters won't take, etc.  But he's also had a really hard time getting donations for the rescue lately and it's really weighing heavy financially.  

So no, going by our conversation it didn't seem like this is an actual plan in the works.  Pretty sure he was just saying one day he wants a lemur. 

 

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Cynder said:

I don't think he is actually planning on getting a lemur right now.  He did foster a lemur for a time once and really liked having him.  But they are expensive to take care of.  Any exotic pet is.  He currently has 5 skunks, (3 of them are pets, two are fosters.)  And there are two tarantulas at his house and about a dozen snakes.   Plus 3 cats.  These aren't all pets.  Most of them are fosters.  But he needs to recognize his limits.  I understand he is running this rescue and he takes in animals that most shelters won't take, etc.  But he's also had a really hard time getting donations for the rescue lately and it's really weighing heavy financially.  

So no, going by our conversation it didn't seem like this is an actual plan in the works.  Pretty sure he was just saying one day he wants a lemur. 

 

 

Does he spend a lot of time soliciting donations ?  That’s great that people donate. I donate to organizations like that and my son and I did most of the training to volunteer at an animal shelter - but put it on hold - I mostly donate when my friends ask in memory of someone deceased - I recently donated to some sort of horse related charity / looked so interesting and cool. 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Aren't you afraid of slipping -more risk of it? I know -rubber soles - but... that's what scares me at times.  But I'm older....

Yeah. I use the hard core ones designed for outdoor walking. They grip the wet floor well, but yes, the surface that supports the foot is contoured and textured but still gets a bit slippery. So it’s an acquired skill, like learning to drive in the rain. I make careful adjustments. 

[Cynder]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Does he spend a lot of time soliciting donations ?  That’s great that people donate.

Yea, but the problem is he spends a lot of time soliciting the same group of people.  He does all the OM Festivals.  There are over a dozen a year and in the summer there is one about every other weekend.  He gets a booth for free because he's good friends with the organizer.  But the issue is, the same crowd of people go to all of them.  He wonders why I don't do them all.  Well, I don't get my booth for free.  It's $175 a pop for me, and since all the same people go, if I'm at all of them, the same crowd isn't going to buy stuff from me week after week.  I only do a few a year. 

He has a pretty big tiktok following, where he asks for donations regularly, but most of his tiktok followers are OM people. 

He was at an OM show last week.  The show was from 10AM to 8PM.  He was there 10 hours and got $2 in donations.  And there's another one this week that he is doing.  He's probably not going to get much more this week.  He gets all frustrated over this.  But you can't just keep asking the same group of people for money over and over again. 

[Batya33]

Does he have any training in marketing/communications -whether on the job or school? Does he want to do that?

[Cynder]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Does he have any training in marketing/communications -whether on the job or school? Does he want to do that?

No.  There are a lot of things he knows how to do.  But that isn't one of them. 

I told him at shows he should start asking for $1 donation for a picture.  Because everyone wants to take pictures with the skunks.  But he acts like asking that is blasphemy. 

[itsallgrand]

The Facebook posts....I think personally that's something else other than depression. Not everyone who is depressed does that kind of thing, it's something else. Not sure how to word it, but there's some people who are comfortable making those kinds of posts on social media and others who are not. I see it sort of like a need for validation thing from outside, I could be wrong but that's my take, and since no amount of validation from outside ever can quench that thirst as it has to be internal, it's prone to escalating even when that kind of person gets validation...maybe even more, as it feeds that beast. 

 

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

The Facebook posts....I think personally that's something else other than depression. Not everyone who is depressed does that kind of thing, it's something else. Not sure how to word it, but there's some people who are comfortable making those kinds of posts on social media and others who are not. I see it sort of like a need for validation thing from outside, I could be wrong but that's my take, and since no amount of validation from outside ever can quench that thirst as it has to be internal, it's prone to escalating even when that kind of person gets validation...maybe even more, as it feeds that beast. 

 

Yes I see this a lot -not related to depression.  

[Cynder]

32 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

The Facebook posts....I think personally that's something else other than depression. Not everyone who is depressed does that kind of thing, it's something else. Not sure how to word it, but there's some people who are comfortable making those kinds of posts on social media and others who are not. I see it sort of like a need for validation thing from outside, I could be wrong but that's my take, and since no amount of validation from outside ever can quench that thirst as it has to be internal, it's prone to escalating even when that kind of person gets validation...maybe even more, as it feeds that beast. 

 

You can say it.  It comes off as very attention seeking.  I've thought that too.  I feel awful for thinking it but that's basically what it looks like. "Oh, everybody look at me!  My life is so awful!"  And then he has all these groupies who all say really nice things.  But most of these groupies are people who live really far away and barely know him.  There is one guy who posts the exact same response to every post he puts up about how miserable he is.  I mean, verbatim.  It's like he just copies and pastes it.  None of these people really know him. 

I've known him since 2017 and I've only seen him post this stuff while being depressed.  And you're right, not all depressed people do this.  But some do.  When I was really depressed back in 2021 I posted things I'm not proud of.  Posting that stuff didn't help and most of those posts got deleted a few hours later. 

 

 

[Type O Negative]

11 hours ago, Cynder said:

I don't think he is actually planning on getting a lemur right now.  He did foster a lemur for a time once and really liked having him.  But they are expensive to take care of.  Any exotic pet is.  He currently has 5 skunks, (3 of them are pets, two are fosters.)  And there are two tarantulas at his house and about a dozen snakes.   Plus 3 cats.  These aren't all pets.  Most of them are fosters.  But he needs to recognize his limits.  I understand he is running this rescue and he takes in animals that most shelters won't take, etc.  But he's also had a really hard time getting donations for the rescue lately and it's really weighing heavy financially.  

So no, going by our conversation it didn't seem like this is an actual plan in the works.  Pretty sure he was just saying one day he wants a lemur. 

 

 

Cynder,

Your dude is a kid in a man's body and fair play to him, big time. So is my husband, 56 going on 16. Love it this way. Never was into 'real adult' men in their stupid suits with their stupid 'back to back calendars'. Ugh. We're both of us a couple of middle aged kids, him more so than me. I love him for it, always have, always will. 

Do you know when you're getting together next?

[Cynder]

25 minutes ago, Type O Negative said:

Cynder,

Your dude is a kid in a man's body and fair play to him, big time. So is my husband, 56 going on 16. Love it this way. Never was into 'real adult' men in their stupid suits with their stupid 'back to back calendars'. Ugh. We're both of us a couple of middle aged kids, him more so than me. I love him for it, always have, always will. 

Do you know when you're getting together next?

I am working at a tattoo convention next weekend.  He is planning on coming and spending a night or two with me that weekend.  

[Type O Negative]

3 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I am working at a tattoo convention next weekend.  He is planning on coming and spending a night or two with me that weekend.  

That's super! You must miss him like crazy?

[Cynder]

2 hours ago, Type O Negative said:

That's super! You must miss him like crazy?

I do...  I miss him more now than ever because he is going through such a hard time. 

[Cynder]

I was commissioned to do a logo for a local reptile breeder.  I was working on it last night at around 3:30 AM and D and I were texting.  He asked me what I'm up to and I told him working on the logo, and then I asked what he was up to.  He didn't answer so I assumed he fell asleep. 

Today I woke up to a message from him that said, "No, nothing interesting." and then another message that said, "I need a logo for our animal rescue."

I notice small things.  The fact that he said our animal rescue and not the animal rescue is interesting to me.  Because he only says our when the thing in question is something we both share.  And I've never thought of myself as being part of the animal rescue. 

Back in early May he had T-Shirts made for everyone even remotely associated with the rescue.  And it wasn't like he just slapped the name on a shirt and ordered one of everyone.  He actually designed unique shirts for everyone.  Like, the lady he calls Mom, she got a shirt with a mom and baby skunk that said "Rescue Mom."  Etc.  But I didn't get a shirt. 

I came up with the name for the rescue and at the time was working on a logo for it, so the fact that I didn't get a shirt actually hurt my feelings.  I didn't show it though.  I wasn't about to act like a 5 year old being like, "Where's my shirt!?"  I felt so left out when everyone was at his house on Memorial Day and he passed out shirts to everyone but me.  He turned to me and said the only reason he didn't have one for me was because he didn't know what size to get me. But all I could think was, "You couldn't just text me?  You knew what size to get everyone else." 

He liked the sketch I did of the logo, but then he made business cards with a stock image and nothing was ever said about it again.  So I never went forward with it. 

So, it's interesting that now it's "our animal rescue" considering I've never been included in it.  I answered him and said, "I would be happy to do the logo.  I started on it a while back, remember?"  And then I said, "If I do the logo will I get a shirt?" But I removed the shirt message after because it comes across as snarky and passive aggressive. 

 

[Cynder]

So I guess he had a change of heart and decided to start back up with the training for peer counseling.  That's a good thing.  But I won't get too excited because of all this whiplash.  Next week he might quit again. 

[catfeeder]

49 minutes ago, Cynder said:

So I guess he had a change of heart and decided to start back up with the training for peer counseling.  That's a good thing.  But I won't get too excited because of all this whiplash.  Next week he might quit again. 

Boy, after a treatment that did nothing, he sure has been doing something. I understand the wait and see feeling, though. Has he had a second treatment, or is he scheduled for one?

[Cynder]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Boy, after a treatment that did nothing, he sure has been doing something. I understand the wait and see feeling, though. Has he had a second treatment, or is he scheduled for one?

Exactly.  He says Ketamine did nothing, but I sure don't see nothing.  The only thing I can figure is it's a pride thing.  He didn't want to go back because he thought it wouldn't help so maybe now he doesn't want to admit that it helped, idl. 

As far as I know he hasn't had or scheduled another treatment.  I wish he would, though. 

[MrMan1983]

9 hours ago, Cynder said:

Exactly.  He says Ketamine did nothing, but I sure don't see nothing.  The only thing I can figure is it's a pride thing.  He didn't want to go back because he thought it wouldn't help so maybe now he doesn't want to admit that it helped, idl. 

As far as I know he hasn't had or scheduled another treatment.  I wish he would, though. 

Does he ever go to your gym? I'm sure you've tried to get him on the exercise thing though given how night and day peoples moods are after a good workout.