Depressed SO, Feeling Overwhelmed...

[Type O Negative]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

Yep. 

There are people here who will only see the negativity in every situation no matter what.  It gets old. 

Someone could come on here and be like, "My husband of 20 years just got a huge unexpected bonus at work and he's taking me on my dream vacation.  I'm so excited!"  And some of the people here would come back with, "Wow.  So instead of investing the money in responsible things like stocks or IRAs he's blowing it on something frivolous like a trip?  What a winner you got there!  And maybe you need to do some self reflection and figure out why you demand he spends his money only on you!  Shame on you for being so selfish and materialistic!" 

My now deleted update was full of positive things.  But all certain people care about is the one time I mentioned Life360.  Uh... apps like that exist for those situations.  I didn't hear from him when I was expecting to hear from him.   So, is everything ok?  Is he laying in a ditch somewhere?  Well, 360 says his battery is dead.  Ok, that explains it.  Now I don't have to worry that something bad happened.  But instead of seeing it that way it gets twisted into, "You need Life360 to make sure he's not lying! OMG what a dysfunctional relationship!!!"

Not saying everyone is like that but there are people here who just crave negativity and look for it everywhere. 

 

Absolutely agree with everything you said; you've expressed it far more eloquently and kindly than I ever could. 

[Cynder]

This last week things have been so much more calm and peaceful.  He is doing his training full time now and he is far enough along in the process that he is being paid.  So what he has going on now is like a paid internship with this treatment center.  I really think this job is going to help keep him grounded and give him more of a sense of purpose.  I'm so glad he didn't really give up on it when he said he was going to. 

Our communication has been great, too.  I'm starting to see the guy I fell in love with again. 

We send each other random pictures a lot.  For all kinds of reasons.  Sometimes it's something we know will make the other laugh.  He loves Highland Cows, so if I see a cute pic of a Highland Cow or something I send it to him.  I'm sure a lot of couples do stuff like this.  We both have a pretty dark sense of humor.  So we send each other a lot of dark but funny memes, etc. 

Earlier tonight I came across this pic on Instagram of this hot tattooed couple laying in bed together.  It's not a sexy picture.  It definitely has more of a loving vibe than a lusty one.  They look similar to us, too, only hotter.  And they are spooning but the woman is the big spoon.  And that's a huge deal to him.  Whenever we sleep together he always wants to be the little spoon.  He really likes being held that way.  So since they look like hotter versions of us and the girl is the big spoon, I had to send it to him.  He absolutely loved it.  That pic made his day and seeing his reaction to it made my day.  It's the little things, 🙂

[Cynder]

Well, I guess I should have expected this.  When things get better it's only the Universe teasing me.  I am using this thread as an outlet through this whole thing and I appreciate a lot of what's been said here.  I really hope I can post this update without getting judgmental comments about him or about me being with him.  The economy sucks right now and I'm sure plenty of mentally healthy well adjusted perfectly vanilla people have had similar things happen in recent months. 

He lost his job on Wednesday.  After years of doing all kinds of short term temp jobs as an independent contractor, the idea of having a steady job with a fixed schedule and a guaranteed paycheck was something he was so excited about.  Where he was training promoted him and made him a paid intern, basically.  He was told he would be made a full time employee in October and given benefits and everything. 

Well, Wednesday they emailed him and told him he is not a good fit for their organization and that they think parting ways is the best thing to do.  No reason was given.  The email was written in legalese. And we live in a state where employers don't have to give a reason to let someone go anyway, so... 

So, since then his mental health (which was steadily improving) has taken a nosedive and now things are worse than before.  The night this happened we were messaging at around 3AM, and he told me he is scared of relapsing.  But more than that he was afraid of self harming.  Now before people take that the wrong way, what he meant was that self harm was the more likely possibility, so he was more afraid of it happening.  And I know exactly how tempting that is when things are really bad because I used to be a cutter.  Cutting is incredibly relaxing and it's really hard to resist the urge sometimes.  But he didn't do either. 

He has been painting a lot since this happened.  Which is a good thing because it's keeping him busy.  He's been painting a lot on rocks, because canvas is expensive, etc.  And he actually goes to a park near his house to find the rocks to paint on, which is another way he's staying busy. 

But he is devastated.  He has been suicidal over this.  I've been messaging back and forth with his husband.  Husband says he's been keeping an eye on him.  But his husband also works full time and can't be around to watch him all the time.  He has said things about being "done" and how he has been "done for a long time and just going through the motions."  He has said he's pissed off that he's still alive and wishes the Universe would just let him die.  It's so awful reading this stuff.  Awful isn't even the right word but it's the only word I can think of. 

And yesterday i said something I really regret saying.  I had just woke up and wasn't really thinking straight yet.  He said something in a message about what a bad person he is.  And my dumb ass answers back, "I really wish you wouldn't talk like that.  If you feel that way you can always choose to be a better person."  Now I see how bad that was for me to say.  A cancer patient can just choose to not have cancer.  Someone who is depressed can't just choose to not be depressed. 

I don't know what his plans are as far as looking for something else.  This just happened on Wednesday.  He probably hasn't even starting thinking about that yet. 

I just wish things would get better and stay better for once. 

[Batya33]

I'm sorry to hear of your and his struggles.

[Cynder]

I haven't posted here in a while because there aren't many updates.  But since CPPD happened, I do have a little bit more of a support system when it comes to this whole situation.  Before I was under the assumption that talking to any of our mutual friends about any of this was somehow wrong and two faced.  And so I haven't had anyone to talk to other than my therapist.  And she is only getting a filtered view of the situation through me.  She doesn't know him. 

At CPPD the lady he calls Mom was at my booth for a long time and we talked a lot, and we've been talking ever since then.  Also a close male friend of both of ours was there, and we talked for a while.  Same thing, since then we have messaged back and forth, etc.  And there have been a few other mutual friends that have struck up conversations with me about this situation.  It's not like we are all sitting around badmouthing him.  But if he posts something on Facebook that is concerning, it's nice to actually talk to other people who know him who are also concerned, instead of just sitting here worrying all by myself.  Before this all started the only person I talked to was his husband. 

We (him and I) had a really good conversation the night before last.  He messaged me out of nowhere and told me he is sorry for everything he has put me through, and that he is working on things. 

Personally, I wish he would go see a neurologist.  PTSD is not just a psychological disorder.  It's neurological too from what I understand.  There have been a lot of advancements in treating it from the neurological end in recent years.  But on the practical level, that treatment is really expensive and he can't afford it.  Our health care system in the US is awful. 

Anyway...  if anyone was wondering that's what's been happening.