Depressed SO, Feeling Overwhelmed...

[Cynder]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think I'd simply text - hey nice to hear from you - you might want to check in with your dad at some point if possible. Something not full on just putting the notion in his head.

I think I will send a message like that later today.  I regret not telling him something like that.  Where I work has an inspection today, so all the cleaning got sprung on me last night.  Deep cleaning an entire gym is time consuming.  I think at the time it was a combination of not wanting to nag him and also keeping the conversation light and short since I had so much to do.  And I also thought he might launch into a tangent about how much he hates his dad.  That would have made me uncomfortable. 

But later today I think I will.  I say later today because he sleeps during the day and I don't want to wake him up. 

 

[Cynder]

Today I am stuck in this whole "I'm scared to fall asleep" loop again. 

The last couple days things have seemed better.  But sometimes I get caught up thinking if I go to sleep I might wake up to something bad.  It's not that I think sleeping will cause the bad thing to happen.  It's more like fearing waking up, checking my phone, and seeing some message that upsets me.  Like, am I waking up to something sweet, or am I waking up to nothing, or am I waking up to "I wish I could just die today."  That automatically ruins my mood when I see stuff like that.  So when things are going a little better, those are the days I'm afraid to go to sleep. 

I don't let it stop me from sleeping, though.  Nothing good comes from sleep deprivation.  Going without sleep will only make things worse. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I think I will send a message like that later today.  I regret not telling him something like that.  Where I work has an inspection today, so all the cleaning got sprung on me last night.  Deep cleaning an entire gym is time consuming.  I think at the time it was a combination of not wanting to nag him and also keeping the conversation light and short since I had so much to do.  And I also thought he might launch into a tangent about how much he hates his dad.  That would have made me uncomfortable. 

 

I think it's really hard sometimes to know what to type in the heat of the moment! 

But later today I think I will.  I say later today because he sleeps during the day and I don't want to wake him up. Funny -I have an online pen pal with a one hour time difference so today like other days I type out a response around 5am my time when I have time then send later.  

I'm sorry you had to deep clean the gym! I hope your day goes ok.

[Cynder]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's really hard sometimes to know what to type in the heat of the moment! 

But later today I think I will.  I say later today because he sleeps during the day and I don't want to wake him up. Funny -I have an online pen pal with a one hour time difference so today like other days I type out a response around 5am my time when I have time then send later.  

I'm sorry you had to deep clean the gym! I hope your day goes ok.

I kind of liked it, oddly enough.  I don't mind the cleaning itself.  And when I left this morning I was so proud of myself.  The guy who relieves me on day shift even said everything looked great.  When the inspection goes really well (because it always does when I clean for it) I can pat myself on the back. 

What annoyed me about the situation though, was I got there last night and the two guys on second shift didn't do anything all night long and then told me I have to clean for inspection.  Sunday evenings are one of our most dead times.  They could have done something.  Even just mopped one of the rooms or something.  But oh well.  The overnight workers are actually paid more than the day and evening workers because so much more is expected of us.  So I can't fault them too much. 

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I kind of liked it, oddly enough.  I don't mind the cleaning itself.  And when I left this morning I was so proud of myself.  The guy who relieves me on day shift even said everything looked great.  When the inspection goes really well (because it always does when I clean for it) I can pat myself on the back. 

What annoyed me about the situation though, was I got there last night and the two guys on second shift didn't do anything all night long and then told me I have to clean for inspection.  Sunday evenings are one of our most dead times.  They could have done something.  Even just mopped one of the rooms or something.  But oh well.  The overnight workers are actually paid more than the day and evening workers because so much more is expected of us.  So I can't fault them too much. 

Yes -I like that reward feeling of seeing the result of your efforts and it's decent exercise if that's a benefit for you! I hate when co-workers are thoughtless that way.  About 20 years ago one of my then bosses told me -as I was more and more delegating to people at junior levels "delegate only if you are organized - don't procrastinate and then make someone else get the work done on a strict deadline because you didn't plan well."  So -sometimes I didn't delegate because the planning to delegate outweighed the benefits of delegating but I personally always took her message to heart.  It's just the right thing to do.  

[Cynder]

I had to leave in the middle of the day and go somewhere today.  So I slept in two four hour blocks.  When I woke up earlier I had a message waiting from him saying he has a Ketamine appointment tomorrow.  He hasn't gone to Ketamine therapy in months.  He said it was making him worse.  But I also remember when he first started it his mental health was the best it had ever been.  So I guess this could go either way.  Now that he's had a break for a while maybe it will help again. 

As I've said before though, I have learned to not get excited about things.  Life sucks most of the time and things rarely get better.  I let myself get my hopes up about his peer counseling job.  And that isn't happening anymore.  So I won't let myself get any hopes up about this, either. 

Edit...  apparently he doesn't have very high expectations either.  He just messaged and told me this. 

 

[Cynder]

If anyone is wondering if I sent his son that message or not.  I did.  He replied and said, "I message my Dad about a week after I left and he didn't answer me." 

I think this is one of those situations where they both care but think the other one doesn't. 

I am trying so hard to not be excited about him going back to Ketamine therapy.  It helped last summer.  But that doesn't mean it will help now.  And whenever I let myself get excited about anything involving this situation, things get worse. 

I've always thought he would do really well taking Ayahuasca.  But he can't go without his meds for that long.  You have to detox beforehand with Ayahuasca.  And when I do the detox before I go all out.  I won't even take ibuprofen.  No caffeine.  Nothing mind altering in any capacity.  Ibuprofen isn't mind altering.  But it is still a substance. 

Going without meds is out of the question for him, unfortunately. 

[Batya33]

I think for all of us it's especially hard to have a positive perspective and have hopes when the people we are interacting with closely are very ill.  I hope he feels better from the therapy and I'm glad it worked in the past.

[Cynder]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think for all of us it's especially hard to have a positive perspective and have hopes when the people we are interacting with closely are very ill.  I hope he feels better from the therapy and I'm glad it worked in the past.

One of the best days I ever had with him was the day I went with him to a ketamine appointment.  His son came to pick us up because he can't drive home after.  And we drove around town for a while just having a good time and listening to music.   There was more to the whole day than that.  But that car ride is what really stuck with me. 

I can remember about a handful of times in my life where I just wished whatever was happening would go on forever.  And I remember feeling that way in the car that day. 

At around 3AM I got a really sweet text from him out of nowhere.  That used to happen all the time.  But now it's so rare.  When he sent texts like that all the time I guess I kind of took them for granted. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Cynder said:

One of the best days I ever had with him was the day I went with him to a ketamine appointment.  His son came to pick us up because he can't drive home after.  And we drove around town for a while just having a good time and listening to music.   There was more to the whole day than that.  But that car ride is what really stuck with me. 

I can remember about a handful of times in my life where I just wished whatever was happening would go on forever.  And I remember feeling that way in the car that day. 

At around 3AM I got a really sweet text from him out of nowhere.  That used to happen all the time.  But now it's so rare.  When he sent texts like that all the time I guess I kind of took them for granted. 

I think it's normal to take that sort of thing for granted and you only notice when it's gone or decreases.  That's a really nice memory!

[Cynder]

8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's normal to take that sort of thing for granted and you only notice when it's gone or decreases.  That's a really nice memory!

I just went back and read the more detailed description of that memory in my journal...  Reading it was kind of a punch to the gut because we also had a conversation that day about all the things we wanted to do this summer, and how this festival season was going to be so amazing.  Well... this is a perfect example of why I don't get excited for things.  None of that stuff will happen, most likely.  And so far this festival season has sucked.  I have a festival this Saturday and I don't even want to do it.  I'm not the slightest bit excited.  And this is one that is hard to get into where they contacted me and made ma a featured artist.  I should be more excited...  but I'm just not. 

So many vendors are struggling this year.  People don't have the disposable income anymore that they used to because of the cost of everything going up.  Everyone acted like it was so great when wages went up.  I knew better.  Wages going up means everything else goes up, too.  People don't have money for luxuries right now.   

[Batya33]

It's also a matter of perspective - people react to struggles and challenges in a variety of ways -often surprising ways -I can get irritated at having to call yet another doctor/dentist/customer service while my friend is able to stay calm with 3 young kids, an irritating mom living with her and a husband with terminal cancer.  But you're at greater risk of having a negative mindset when you are involved closely with people who are very ill/and/or negative and you dwell on what things were like when the person you're with felt well etc.  I have read several books about and met via zoom a Holocaust survivor -I mean -how can that person have such hope and inspiration and motivation? After seeing and experiencing such evil we can only imagine? Im not suggesting you change your perspective or even work on it just commenting that it's absolutely not all about what your life has been like till now.  Some, not all.

[Cynder]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's also a matter of perspective - people react to struggles and challenges in a variety of ways -often surprising ways -I can get irritated at having to call yet another doctor/dentist/customer service while my friend is able to stay calm with 3 young kids, an irritating mom living with her and a husband with terminal cancer.  But you're at greater risk of having a negative mindset when you are involved closely with people who are very ill/and/or negative and you dwell on what things were like when the person you're with felt well etc.  I have read several books about and met via zoom a Holocaust survivor -I mean -how can that person have such hope and inspiration and motivation? After seeing and experiencing such evil we can only imagine? Im not suggesting you change your perspective or even work on it just commenting that it's absolutely not all about what your life has been like till now.  Some, not all.

On some level it's a defense mechanism, too.  When I was a kid if something made me happy my parents found a way to take it away from me.  I think from their side it was, "We are miserable every day because of you.  So you better be miserable too damnit!" 

I remember getting to go to a Ren Faire once with a family member.  And my Mom told me she was going to make the few days after really un pleasant for me.  She said something like, "You got to go do something fun.  So now you're gonna suffer because that's just the way it is."

I probably should work on changing my perspective.  I've noticed I do get excited for things when they are entirely dependent on me.  Like, if there's a movie coming out that I really want to see or something.  I get excited about that because I know I'm going to make sure I see it at some point.  No one else can stop me from doing that.  So I get excited.  But I rarely get excited about anything that depends on anyone else. 

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, Cynder said:

On some level it's a defense mechanism, too.  When I was a kid if something made me happy my parents found a way to take it away from me.  I think from their side it was, "We are miserable every day because of you.  So you better be miserable too damnit!" 

I remember getting to go to a Ren Faire once with a family member.  And my Mom told me she was going to make the few days after really un pleasant for me.  She said something like, "You got to go do something fun.  So now you're gonna suffer because that's just the way it is."

I probably should work on changing my perspective.  I've noticed I do get excited for things when they are entirely dependent on me.  Like, if there's a movie coming out that I really want to see or something.  I get excited about that because I know I'm going to make sure I see it at some point.  No one else can stop me from doing that.  So I get excited.  But I rarely get excited about anything that depends on anyone else. 

I’m really sorry you experienced that in your childhood. I tell my son - ever since he could understand- everything we plan is “hopefully “ but I do that with cautious optimism so that we manage expectations but from a positive perspective. I am not at all pollyannish and tend to the negative but my husband tends too much to positive sometimes so it’s a good balance lol. 
I find the work is a combo of self talk plus taking care of my basic health. Because  if I sleep ok /am hydrated /not hangry I have a more positive outlook naturally. Also as a parent and given the goals I had and have that often would require depending on others or hoping others do their part - I mean life is so wildly unpredictable so my attitude is gratitude when it all works out.

Last year at this time we went to portugal but the trip was very tentative because of Covid restrictions up till a week before we left. I mean first world problems from one perspective and you know -,it was a business trip plus family vacation plus first and likely only real opportunity to go ever. 

I had to do tons of self talk not to freak out or panic when I was pregnant my one and only time and it was high risk/geriatric. I catastrophized and what helped sort of snap me out of it - I had my OB appointment. I said “can you check for placenta previa?”  She looked at me “why would you think you had that??”  I explained it’s the main thing that can go wrong at this stage of pregnancy”. When I said it out loud I realized how silly - so I went looking for the one thing that was high risk - even though I felt perfectly normal. Wake up call. That’s the sort of work I have to do sometimes. 

[Cynder]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I’m really sorry you experienced that in your childhood. I tell my son - ever since he could understand- everything we plan is “hopefully “ but I do that with cautious optimism so that we manage expectations but from a positive perspective. I am not at all pollyannish and tend to the negative but my husband tends too much to positive sometimes so it’s a good balance lol. 
I find the work is a combo of self talk plus taking care of my basic health. Because  if I sleep ok /am hydrated /not hangry I have a more positive outlook naturally. Also as a parent and given the goals I had and have that often would require depending on others or hoping others do their part - I mean life is so wildly unpredictable so my attitude is gratitude when it all works out.

Last year at this time we went to portugal but the trip was very tentative because of Covid restrictions up till a week before we left. I mean first world problems from one perspective and you know -,it was a business trip plus family vacation plus first and likely only real opportunity to go ever. 

I had to do tons of self talk not to freak out or panic when I was pregnant my one and only time and it was high risk/geriatric. I catastrophized and what helped sort of snap me out of it - I had my OB appointment. I said “can you check for placenta previa?”  She looked at me “why would you think you had that??”  I explained it’s the main thing that can go wrong at this stage of pregnancy”. When I said it out loud I realized how silly - so I went looking for the one thing that was high risk - even though I felt perfectly normal. Wake up call. That’s the sort of work I have to do sometimes. 

My parents were so negative about everything I did/was involved with, etc.  All my friends were automatically horrible people just because they were my friends.  Anyone I dated was disgusting because who the hell would want to date me other than some nasty degenerate?  Then when I started seeing my ex husband my mom really liked him and made comments about how he's probably only dating me because him and his friends are having a contest to see who can get the ugliest girl.  And she also said she wished he would date my sister instead because they were a better match.  (Yep... he's better matched with my lesbian sister.  K mom.  Lol)

When D and I started seeing each other my Mom liked him, too.  And she asked me a lot of questions about his US citizenship.  I know what she was hinting at.  She was thinking he's only using me to get citizenship.  Now she doesn't like him anymore because of his mental health problems.  My family doesn't have a lot of sympathy for that kind of thing. 

I try to see the positive in things.  It's hard to explain...  I don't get excited and hope things are going to work out.  But even when they don't' work out, I try to see the good in the situation.  I don't just assume that everyone is awful, but I don't expect things from people.  I try to see the good in everyone.  Etc.  I decided in early adulthood that I didn't want to be like my parents. 

As far as this situation, he just left the Ketamine clinic.  (I know this because of Life360.)  I haven't been awake very long so we haven't talked yet today.  It will probably be a little while before we do because usually after ketamine he is really groggy and high for a while.  He will probably go home and sleep for a few hours.  Especially considering he hasn't had a treatment is months. 

 

[Cynder]

So, after Ketamine yesterday we texted quite a bit.  He was being so sweet last night.  It reminded me of how he was back when we first started dating. 

But, then something happened that probably hurt way more than it should have.  I know this is a really trivial thing, stupid even.  And I feel really immature for even letting it bother me.  But he posted one of those copy and paste things on Facebook last night that includes, "Tag 5 friends!" Well, he tagged his husband, his sister, his niece and two friends.  And at the end he wrote, "I know I'm not cool enough for anyone to tag me." 

Idk... this hit a nerve.  I commented and said, "I guess I'm not cool enough to be tagged either."  Not my proudest moment, I know.  And he replied, "I did tag you when I edited it."  Ok...  so I was an afterthought. 

I guess there is the fact that he was still high from his treatment.  But he wasn't too high to make the post in the first place.  I'm also trying to focus on all the nice things he said to me last night before this happened. 

I react really strongly to being excluded from things.  I don't think anyone likes being excluded.  But for me it's not as easy to just shrug off.  When I was a kid my parents would deliberately leave me out of things and then tease me about it later.  As an adult I've been excluded from a lot of workplace stuff.  It's something I've never been able to just shake off.  So even though this was just a stupid post on Facebook, it really rattled me.  And I won't bring it up to him because I refuse to be a grown ass woman who gets pissed off and starts an argument over a Facebook post.  Especially not when he said so many nice things right beforehand. 

The OCD part of me just kept repeating, "See, he doesn't give a sh- about you. The proof is right there!"  But that isn't rational. 

This is why I don't get excited about things.  Last night we were having this good conversation.  And I was feeling so hopeful and so happy.  Then he did that and it completely deflated me. 

 

[Batya33]

Aren't some things more important than others? Excluded -not being tagged - but he included you in sharing about his treatment and the aftermath.  Does he know that you react this way to being "excluded" from an FB tag? If he does know -I get it (but I don't get it since he just had an intensive treatment) - if he doesn't know -I wouldn't know either -would people generally know? (And as an aside I never ever do those inane sharing/reposting things and I don't let myself be tagged -I exclude myself if I possibly can)

I'm glad you're doing self-talk.  It isn't rational -I agree.

[Cynder]

29 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Aren't some things more important than others? Excluded -not being tagged - but he included you in sharing about his treatment and the aftermath.  Does he know that you react this way to being "excluded" from an FB tag? If he does know -I get it (but I don't get it since he just had an intensive treatment) - if he doesn't know -I wouldn't know either -would people generally know? (And as an aside I never ever do those inane sharing/reposting things and I don't let myself be tagged -I exclude myself if I possibly can)

I'm glad you're doing self-talk.  It isn't rational -I agree.

I don't get it either and it was my reaction.  Sometimes things just hit nerves.  I mean, I know it brings up a lot of feelings from my past where I was intentionally left out of things.  The only previous partner I ever had who did that was the other vendor I dated.  And with him it was really deliberate, and he was an absolute jerk about it. 

I've never told him "Hey I really don't like being left out of Facebook posts." because I've never had this kind of reaction to being left out of one.  This is also the first time I've ever seen him do one of those "tag 5 friends" posts, also. 

And you're right.  His husband and I are the only people who really interacted with him after his treatment.  And I've been in his presence right after a ketamine treatment.  He is loopy as hell for hours afterwords.  I mean, I had to help him get dressed and tie his shoes for him when I went to a treatment with him and that was after he had been doing weekly treatments for about 6 months.  He had a tolerance then.  Yesterday was his first treatment in 4 months, so it probably really hit him hard.  And despite being high as hell. he was still taking the time to text me and say a lot of really sweet things, etc.  He hasn't talked to me like that in a long time.  I wonder if maybe that had something to do with my reaction.  Because I felt so lifted up and so important to him... and then this, "Tag 5 people you care about" post where I'm not even tagged.  Idk...  the fall is a lot harder when you are up higher, I guess. 

I'm really glad I didn't let my emotions get the better of me and start texting him about it.  Yea, I made that stupid comment but I deleted it a few minutes later. 

He does know that I have issues with being excluded.  But I think everyone does.  I mean... I can't think of any reason why people would want to be intentionally left out of things. 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Cynder said:

He does know that I have issues with being excluded.  But I think everyone does.  I mean... I can't think of any reason why people would want to be intentionally left out of things. 

Yes obviously.  I meant the extent to which you react to being "excluded" from being tagged on one of those cliche FB posts.  I wouldn't ever know that about a person.  

[Cynder]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes obviously.  I meant the extent to which you react to being "excluded" from being tagged on one of those cliche FB posts.  I wouldn't ever know that about a person.  

No because not being tagged on a post has never upset me before last night.  And also before last night I had never seen him post one of those. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Cynder said:

No because not being tagged on a post has never upset me before last night.  And also before last night I had never seen him post one of those. 

Yes. It’s a new reaction for you. I get it. 

[Cynder]

Yesterday we had a really good conversation...  It was like the conversations we used to have before all this crap started. 

He loaned his car to a friend for a few days...  Today he got it back completely trashed.  To some people that might not be that big a deal.  Yea, it sucks and that's really bad of his friend to do that.  But a trashed car can be cleaned.  But to someone who is already depressed and dealing with so much, it's a bigger deal.  Him and that friend aren't on speaking terms now and he posted on Facebook asking if anyone could come over and help him clean the car.   If I had a way there I would, and I let him know that.  He's pretty upset. 

[Cynder]

He posted something earlier that really made me wonder...  It was a TikTok video but it was a clip from the show Family Matters.  Steve Urkel was leaving and Laura was like, "How can you just leave.  You said you loved me."  And Steve goes into this thing basically saying, "I do love you.  I worship you.  And all I want is for you to be happy.  But I think the only way that can happen is if I step aside." 

And the caption said, "When people ask me how I can just leave?  Steve Urkel says it best." I don't know who that was direct to.  But he messaged me and we had a seemingly normal conversation after that post.  So, who knows.  He didn't write that caption, either.  The person who originally shared the video wrote it. 

 

[Batya33]

I would avoid looking at his FB since it seems like lately you're reading into it/then overthinking.  I'm glad you didn't ask him about it.  (I've never watched the show but it's a constant option at 5am when I work out - I didn't realize it was any good -maybe it is?).  

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I would avoid looking at his FB since it seems like lately you're reading into it/then overthinking.  I'm glad you didn't ask him about it.  (I've never watched the show but it's a constant option at 5am when I work out - I didn't realize it was any good -maybe it is?).  

I did ask him about it, sorta.  When we were talking I said, "I just saw your post.  I hope everything's ok."  He told me everything was fine. 

I wish I could stop looking at his FB.  It's just hard not to look.  It's almost like I feel like I have to check to make sure everything is ok.  Like,  I've gotten a little better about this now, but sometimes OCD makes it really hard to leave the house in a timely manner.  I will check and re check the door.  I have an electric griddle.  If I used it that day I always have to make sure it's off.  I make sure the stove is off.  I make sure the bathroom door is shut.  I make sure the snake has water in his bowl.  And sometimes I have to check these things more than once to be satisfied.  Bathing and leaving the house are the only two things in my life that are really dominated by ritual anymore.  OCD doesn't just manifest in rituals.  But that is part of it.  And when I look at his fb it's almost like a compulsion.  I feel the same way I do when I am checking my door and the stove, etc.  Like, "Well, I better look because otherwise something bad might happen."  I will have to look back and think about how I stopped other ritual behaviors and see if I can apply any of that here.  I look at his husband's fb too.  And it's the same motivation.  Like, I have to check because something bad might happen.  And before all this started happening, when he was mentally healthy, I never looked at his social media.  I would see his posts in my feed and react to them when I did.  But I didn't make it a point to go looking. 

I was a kid when Family Matters was on.  I don't remember it being particularly riveting. (I was a weird kid though.  I was watching documentaries about the ancient world and stuff when I was like 10) It's a 90s sitcom with a laugh track.  The main plot device was the nerdy next door neighbor being crazy in love with the teenage daughter.  And they stretched that out for like 10 seasons, lol.  (I don't actually know how many, but I remember it being on for a long time.)