I might want kids but bf probably doesn’t. Should I leave?

[Daisychains660]

My 32m bf and I 27f  been together a year and live together. I talked to him about kids yesterday and I said I want kids and he said he’s definitely not ready now because he still has things he wants to do and want to get more financially stable first but he’s pretty sure he doesn’t want them  because it’s a lot of responsibilities but if he ever did Im the only he’d want them with. He said but before we consider it  I need to finish school ( I graduate in may)and be secure for at least a year. I said I need more security and certainty he wants a baby or we aren’t compatible. He laughed and said “don’t get all baby crazy on me now” And that I haven’t responded much to the topic of marriage which he thinks should come first. I said I think it’s beside the point and this is about plans to have kids. Right after this talk we had sex and he came in me and we role played making a baby. It just made me feel sad after so I told him I need to know he promised baby someday  because according to him “it’s the only answer I’ll accept”. I guess I feel conflicted now. I love him with all my heart and I don’t want to leave him but now I worry we’re incompatible and he’ll never wants kids. To be clear I’m not ready to have kids now either but I want to have the option in the future and not regret

[Seraphim]

You can’t compromise on kids. If he doesn’t want them and you do that is a massive red flag incompatibility. Don’t think either of you will change later either as that is not fair to anyone . 

[Daisychains660]

Thank you it hurts to hear but you’re right. It’s hard because I’m not sure and we are compatible in every other way but I have to let go 

[Betterwithout]

Sounds like you have reached a milestone and turning point in the relationship.  All mature steps that a couple faces.
How about having another conversation (choose a time when you are both calm, relaxed and not confrontational) and maybe mention some FUTURE (not within the next year) timelines that you would like to consider with him.  Marriage in 2-3 years.   Baby in 5-6 years and see how he reacts. 

It is a deal-breaker if one has 0 interest and one is 100% interested in marriage, having a family.

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Daisychains660 said:

 he still has things he wants to do and want to get more financially stable first but he’s pretty sure he doesn’t want them  

Unfortunately if he never wants children, you're incompatible. 

However he has a good point about being more settled and financial secure before starting a family. His point about being married is also apparently important to him and not unreasonable.

Perhaps slow down on the baby talk. You could talk about financial security and marriage. But again, you'll need to know if children are 100% off the table or just not now.

Even though you're only a few years apart, it seems like you're in different life stages.

[Batya33]

My standard was that the man had to be 100% enthusiastic about having kids -at least.  Nothing less. No "probably not but with you I would" -especially since I'd assumed I'd have trouble conceiving (but I really didn't!) and I wante a partner who'd be willing to look into IVF/surrogacy/adoption, etc.  Our son is 13.   I know for sure my standard was the right one.  It's so worth it and it's so much work, so much responsibility, so much sacrifice and I cannot imagine in any stretch doing this other than with a partner who is over the moon about being a parent, being his dad, being a family.  

I'd say bye.  I'm sorry.

[Daisychains660]

Thank you.  Yes that’s a good idea. I was a little drunk and emotional. He said he doesn’t think I want kids either, just the option, which might be true right now. He said that’s how he feels but he might in the future after a couple years when we have financial stability. He brings up marriage a lot but we haven’t really talked about it seriously yet. The resolution last night was that we pinky sweared on having a baby one day but I don’t want someone who doesn’t want to but I keep thinking deep down maybe he does because he says he said maybe some day. Also he jokes I stopped taking my birth control Implying I’m baby crazy then comes in me without protection but I’ve never implied I wanted them before yesterday 

[Seraphim]

That is the difference between a “ right now “ relationship and a life long relationship. The life long relationship you have to have the same goals and values and lifestyle you want to lead. 

[Daisychains660]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My standard was that the man had to be 100% enthusiastic about having kids -at least.  Nothing less. No "probably not but with you I would" -especially since I'd assumed I'd have trouble conceiving (but I really didn't!) and I wante a partner who'd be willing to look into IVF/surrogacy/adoption, etc.  Our son is 13.   I know for sure my standard was the right one.  It's so worth it and it's so much work, so much responsibility, so much sacrifice and I cannot imagine in any stretch doing this other than with a partner who is over the moon about being a parent, being his dad, being a family.  

I'd say bye.  I'm sorry.

Good points :’( thank you 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, Daisychains660 said:

Thank you.  Yes that’s a good idea. I was a little drunk and emotional. He said he doesn’t think I want kids either, just the option, which might be true right now. He said that’s how he feels but he might in the future after a couple years when we have financial stability. He brings up marriage a lot but we haven’t really talked about it seriously yet. The resolution last night was that we pinky sweared on having a baby one day but I don’t want someone who doesn’t want to but I keep thinking deep down maybe he does because he says he said maybe some day. Also he jokes I stopped taking my birth control Implying I’m baby crazy then comes in me without protection but I’ve never implied I wanted them before yesterday 

It's odd to me you've never discussed it.  I would not continue to be serious with someone who you are not sure wants to be a parent 100% -not just have a baby- be a parent.  Huge difference.  It's fine if you are not sure then yes date someone who is not sure but figure that out ASAP especially since you are sexually active with him. I'm not a fan of too much teasing about "baby crazy" as that tells me he really doesn't get it and is not in the mindset of wanting to be a dad -and he is in his early 30s which should be factored in -he's not that young.  

[tattoobunnie]

1 hour ago, Daisychains660 said:

he said he’s definitely not ready now 

My hubs said he was sure about wanting to get married one day, but didn't want kids.  We are married with two boys that are the best things in our world.  Your guy said that he's not ready now; it's not the same as saying he never wants them.  I didn't start having kids until I was 32 turning 33.  So, I think you aren't listening to what he's saying.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

My hubs said he was sure about wanting to get married one day, but didn't want kids.  We are married with two boys that are the best things in our world.  Your guy said that he's not ready now; it's not the same as saying he never wants them.  I didn't start having kids until I was 32 turning 33.  So, I think you aren't listening to what he's saying.

So if I were she I'd figure out internally what my deadline was for knowing whether he was ready/when/level of enthusiasm.  And stick to that deadline knowing that if it turns out he's still not ready she's wasted fertility years on him.  Perhaps she can spend $$ freezing her eggs so her waiting time is less risky.  I personally wouldn't risk it but I had a history of fertility issues between my sister and also my mom, I had irregular periods -etc.  I wasn't taking any chances on a Mr. I'm Not Sure especially since her bf is in his early 30s.

 

[Kwothe28]

We have one special case here on The Forum. She wants kids but her fiance doesnt. Anyway, he also invents reasons why. How she doesnt earn that much, how this and how that etc. Already made her to abort one pregnancy. Anyway, ask yourself if you want to be 30+. With somebody who is "pretty sure" he doesnt want kids. Inventing reasons how its not the right time for it. Well, that is your future now. If you stay there in that relationship. If he doesnt want kids but you do, that is a huge discrepancy. Its not really negotiable.

[Daisychains660]

13 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

We have one special case here on The Forum. She wants kids but her fiance doesnt. Anyway, he also invents reasons why. How she doesnt earn that much, how this and how that etc. Already made her to abort one pregnancy. Anyway, ask yourself if you want to be 30+. With somebody who is "pretty sure" he doesnt want kids. Inventing reasons how its not the right time for it. Well, that is your future now. If you stay there in that relationship. If he doesnt want kids but you do, that is a huge discrepancy. Its not really negotiable.

Thanks I agree with you. Just the thing is I feel it’s a legitimate reason rather than excuse ( for now)  because I honestly would not want to have a baby right now either ,as I am not working at all ( I’m a student , but will have extremely good income after I graduate this may  ) and he barely makes enough for us to live on as it is ( he is a freelance artist in the process of looking for better employment) But he talked about being a work from home dad as well which I think  id be ok with. anyway I We don’t have enough money so it would be messed up to bring a baby in the world right now. But you’re right I don’t want a future with someone who never intends to have a kid and just keeps making excuses or strings me along in case I change my mind in the future. Because I really do love him but I do want the option and want him to feel the same

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, Daisychains660 said:

I said I need more security and certainty he wants a baby or we aren’t compatible. He laughed and said “don’t get all baby crazy on me now” And that I haven’t responded much to the topic of marriage which he thinks should come first. I said I think it’s beside the point and this is about plans to have kids

Yup, a real issue with this.

Some men want to totally avoid this topic, as he admitted, he's got other things to focus on at this time in his life.  Kids aren't it.

You've only been involved a year - do you feel you need or want them soon?  or within the next 5 yrs?  How deep did you go in this conversation?

I'd tell him 'if you don't see kids in your future then we are not compatible' and be done.  Don't drag it on.  Your talk won't change his mind.

 

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

If what you need right now, in your core, is to be with someone who is enthusiastic about one day having kids—well, it seems you now know that you are not in that relationship. And while I understand that a pinky swear might provide a moment of relief, I think you need to approach this a bit more practically. 

Like Batya advised, if you're not wanting to end things right now, I would set a time period, for yourself, that you're okay with being in limbo. Maybe it's 6 months, maybe a year—you know you. Between then and now don't make this an issue you keep pressing, but simply respect the differences, and continue living a life that will prepare you for motherhood. Once the time frame has passed, broach the topic again in a calm and straight-forward manner, and then listen. If he remains ambivalent and prone to dismissing you as "baby crazy," as opposed to eager to plan this together, you will know that he is not the person for you to keep building a life around. 

There are plenty of negotiables in relationships, but there are also non-negotiables. For many I think it's right around your age where people really start seeing that, and making sure early, best anyone can, that they're on the same page with the Big Stuff. I know plenty of people with families who weren't perfectly in line about having kids, but they did share it as core value. If you guys don't, it's not something that can be forced. 

[Kwothe28]

22 minutes ago, Daisychains660 said:

Just the thing is I feel it’s a legitimate reason rather than excuse ( for now)  because I honestly would not want to have a baby right now either ,as I am not working at all ( I’m a student , but will have extremely good income after I graduate this may  ) and he barely makes enough for us to live on as it is ( he is a freelance artist in the process of looking for better employment) But he talked about being a work from home dad as well which I think  id be ok with. anyway I We don’t have enough money so it would be messed up to bring a baby in the world right now.

Thing is that you dont know if he would ever be ready. I have friends, they had a timeline. They started living together, then got engaged and planned a wedding, had a wedding last year and now they plan for a kid. It lasted a couple of years to get there. Its a process, its not from today to tomorrow. But they both wanted marriage and kids and worked toward it. Your man just outright tells you he may not want kids. If you are a person who does, I wouldnt commit there for considerable future.

[MissCanuck]

This is not your guy. 

I'm sorry. People generally know if they want a family someday. It's a given that you two are not ready now, but he lacks the desire on a core level in general. That isn't something future financial stability is going to fix. 

 

[greendots]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

You can’t compromise on kids. If he doesn’t want them and you do that is a massive red flag incompatibility. Don’t think either of you will change later either as that is not fair to anyone . 

This. Children are usually a non-negotiable, unless someone in the relationship doesn't care about either possibility.

Sure, people sometimes change their mind. But they also don't.

[smackie9]

It's been only one year. He doesn't want kids, that should be enough to say goodbye IMO. He sounds pretty firm about it. He's over 30, and that's a pretty good age to know if you want kids or not. 

I have to ask, was this even brought up during the first few months of dating? You know, talking about expectations, the future, etc?

[Daisychains660]

To be honest why I didn’t bring it up sooner is because I wasn’t sure I wanted kids… and still don’t..like I don’t have a time frame for it or ever envisioned it. That’s why it’s hard for me to So firmly walk away now too because I don’t even know if I want. But I want to know the option is there. Also since he said he would have kid with me later it gives me hope. But chance he’s placating me and also he seemed happy when I talked about it which makes me feel it’s just flattering to him that I would.   And said we should discuss marriage first but that’s a big commitment if we’re not compatible and  and the relationship will be even deeper. I know I must get out now it’s just hard because he loves me a lot and vice versa . He always says he sees us together forever and so did I 

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, Daisychains660 said:

I didn’t bring it up sooner is because I wasn’t sure I wanted kids… and still don’t..like I don’t have a time frame for it or ever envisioned it.

This is confusing to me, since your initial post began with you saying...

5 hours ago, Daisychains660 said:

I talked to him about kids yesterday and I said I want kids

So what, exactly, is going on here? Is there any chance you're feeling edgy about the relationship, or your future in general, and this conversation is coming from a desire to feel more grounded, either with him or in your own skin? Or is it that it's starting to become clear to you that, yes, you do want kids and so you wanted to talk to him about this new realization? 

Because your most recent post sounds...well, it sounds a lot like the wishy-washy response you got from your boyfriend that has you questioning the relationship. Seems to be a good time to clarity from within, so you're conversations aren't doubling as a hope that he'll be the one to clear this up. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Daisychains660 said:

My 32m bf and I 27f  been together a year and live together.

The relationship is relatively young. How long have you lived together? 

If you care about each other, there's time to discuss financial security, better jobs and many other issues of cohabitation and commitment..

You don't have to throw out the baby with the bathwater if you really care about each other. No need to get into kick-him-to-the-curb mode just yet.

He's not sure about kids... yet and your discussion is somewhat premature considering you only know each other a year 

But one thing is for sure, pressuring yourself or him when you're both not ready  nor financially capable won't help the situation.

[spinstermanquee]

5 hours ago, Daisychains660 said:

but if he ever did Im the only he’d want them with [me] ...He said but before we consider it  I need to finish school ( I graduate in may)and be secure for at least a year. To be clear I’m not ready to have kids now either but I want to have the option in the future and not regret

Daisy, neither one of you seems too one way or the other about it.  Maybe you can revisit it under calmer circumstances and get clear into which camp you each fall.  You certainly wouldn't want to spend 10-15 years on the fence and then have it potentially be too late if you fall on different sides of the fence.

[SherrySher]

Personally, I would be packing my bags and moving on.

Staying and hoping and praying he will change his mind, will only waste time and waste your life.

I am a Mum, and I can promise you, nothing is more amazing then to have your own child.

If you stay with this man, he will keep you hanging on with empty promises and one day you will realize that you've wasted years of your life with someone who told you at the start that they do not want children.

He already answered you, believe it.

Don't try and convince him, don't try to change his mind.

Start thinking of your next move, which will be ending things with him so you can find someone you are more compatible with.