I might want kids but bf probably doesn’t. Should I leave?

[SherrySher]

5 hours ago, Daisychains660 said:

but I keep thinking deep down maybe he does because he says he said maybe some day

You are only kidding yourself here.

No, he is not secretly wanting a child. He doesn't want one. He is saying that to string you along because he knows it's what you want to hear.

He isn't going to magically change his mind one day.

Also, why would you ever want a child with someone who isn't 100% enthusiastic and 100% wanting a child?

Do you know how horrible it will be on the child if they do come along and he barely looks at them?

Don't do that to a baby, please.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Daisychains660 said:

But he talked about being a work from home dad as well which I think  id be ok with. anyway I We don’t have enough money so it would be messed up to bring a baby in the world right now. But you’re right I don’t want a future with someone who never intends to have a kid and just keeps making excuses or strings me along in case I change my mind in the future. Because I really do love him but I do want the option and want him to feel the same

It's fine to say "I want children more than anything and I want to wait ___ time until I have a [good job/finished my education, etc].  But he's saying he's not sure. You are sure you want them in the future.

Also - good luck being a work from home dad or mom without childcare in the home.  When I was home full time (first 7 years) until he  was in part time pre school at age 3.5 I could not get anything done other than take care of him and - some of the housework/cooking/food prep. 

And his 4 hour preschool only meant 3 hours tops for me to get anything done.  I am not complaining.  I loved it. 

I remember having to do very detail oriented work over a period of months in order to insure that when I wanted to go back to work outside the home I'd be ready.  Unless he was napping or perhaps playing on his own for more than 15-20 minutes I could not focus on detail-oriented accurate work.  And many employers do not want children distracting/being noisy in the bakcground during conference calls.  One time I went upstairs to my neighbor's house -her infant had pneumonia and an ear infection and she had a 45 minute conference call.  I took him in another room to hold him/rock him, walk around with him while he cried and fussed so she could do her call.  

I'm writing this much because I really dislike the attitude of "oh well if we have a child I'll just work from home and I'll do both -easy peasy."  He probably has little experience taking care of a baby and toddler, right? My husband had none and assumed that I wouldn't be able to get work done while at home full time and also that it would be really helpful to have a cleaning service twice a month at least so I could focus on child care.  He was 100% right.  

[Cherylyn]

Your boyfriend doesn't want kids and he'll only acquiesce in order to appease you.  This type of man will feel trapped, be filled with resentment and blame you for not having a mutual agreement regarding bringing children into the world.  He will not be an ideal father and you could very well end up as a single parent.

If you just want to be the girlfriend, be the girlfriend.  If you want marriage and a family, your boyfriend is not for you.  Whenever you're ready, cut your losses and him otherwise you're just wasting everyone's time and energy.  No sense doing that.

[Daisychains660]

Thanks all for the help. I guess you are right. We’ve lived together so I’ve about 5 months in . No I’m not sure I want kids in the future. Last night I was just drunk so I blurted out I want a baby. There’s a lot about having kids that seems unappealing to me and I really don’t feel ready, I don’t have a career or income now either, but I guess my feelings were I love him so I want to have his child and I even asked him “when you love somebody you want to have kids with them right ? And he agreed that yes, it’s true but rationally there are other factors to consider and I know right now logically it’s not time but maybe in the future I will want them. & he said the same but im not sure if he will ever want them. Maybe I don’t know that myself. I’ll know better with time, so I think I will at least give it the year timeline he has and after I graduate see where we’re both at.l before we take next step like marriage etc. I love him a lot. 
 

and sorry to be clear he said he would be a stay at home dad because ill make so much but I suggested I didn’t want him to ever have to give up his career and seeing as how he’s an artist I didn’t  think he would need to but you’re probably right that I’m wrong about that. Neither one of us have much experience with kids but he seems good with them 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Daisychains660 said:

“when you love somebody you want to have kids with them right ?

Um no.  I mean you might "want" to -feelings are feelings but people who want kids for the right reasons would never have a child just because they're in love with the co-parent.  That's not necessarily in the best interests of the child. That's about the person's desires. My husband always wanted to have a family someday with the right person for him so when he looked for the right person that was part of what made it right.  

I see so he is not sure he wants kids but he wants to be the full time parent?? I mean that's a really hard job even for those of us who wanted kids more than anything.  So he'd give up his art - time to do his art, network about his art. Someone who is meh about kids would do that?

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, Daisychains660 said:

Thanks all for the help. I guess you are right. No I’m not sure I want kids in the future. Last night I was just drunk so I blurted out I want a baby. There’s a lot about having kids that seems unappealing to me and I really don’t feel ready, I don’t have a career or income now either, but I guess my feelings were I love him so I want to have his child and I even asked him “when you love somebody you want to have kids with them right ? And he agreed that yes, it’s true but rationally there are other factors to consider and I know right now logically it’s not time but maybe in the future I will want them. & he said the same but im not sure if he will ever want them. Maybe I don’t know that myself. I’ll know better with time, so I think I will at least give it the year timeline he has and after I graduate see where we’re both at. I love him a lot. 
 

and sorry to be clear he said he would be a stay at home dad because ill make so much but I suggested I didn’t want him to ever have to give up his career and seeing as how he’s an artist I didn’t  think he would need to but you’re probably right that I’m wrong about that. Neither one of us have much experience with kids but he seems good with them 

Since you're both indecisive about wanting children vs. having children vs. uncertain,  don't have children for a long time.  For the time being,  enjoy being a couple without children.  It's good to discuss because if both of you are merely entertaining the idea about children yet not serious about actually having them, it's all talk whether with alcohol or not.  If you decide to have children in the future, cross that bridge then.  No sense toying with the idea and then the conversation trails off to "maybe" all the time.  Revisit this conversation when you're more settled in life either with your boyfriend or another man who really wants children if you're on the same page as well.  Focus on the love between you two and forget about children for now because it's not feasible anyway.

[Tinydance]

7 hours ago, Daisychains660 said:

Thanks all for the help. I guess you are right. We’ve lived together so I’ve about 5 months in . No I’m not sure I want kids in the future. Last night I was just drunk so I blurted out I want a baby. There’s a lot about having kids that seems unappealing to me and I really don’t feel ready, I don’t have a career or income now either, but I guess my feelings were I love him so I want to have his child and I even asked him “when you love somebody you want to have kids with them right ? And he agreed that yes, it’s true but rationally there are other factors to consider and I know right now logically it’s not time but maybe in the future I will want them. & he said the same but im not sure if he will ever want them. Maybe I don’t know that myself. I’ll know better with time, so I think I will at least give it the year timeline he has and after I graduate see where we’re both at.l before we take next step like marriage etc. I love him a lot. 
 

and sorry to be clear he said he would be a stay at home dad because ill make so much but I suggested I didn’t want him to ever have to give up his career and seeing as how he’s an artist I didn’t  think he would need to but you’re probably right that I’m wrong about that. Neither one of us have much experience with kids but he seems good with them 

Well to me it seems that when people say they're "not sure" about something, deep down they are still leaning one way more than the other. From your post it was coming across as if you're leaning more towards "yes" in terms of having kids. And your boyfriend is leaning more towards "no". I know that as a man he can still have kids well into his 40's, so I guess he's probably thinking that he still has 10 - 15 years to make that decision.

I hate to say it but in your case as a woman you probably don't have as much time to have kids. I'm not saying you need to freak out about it and rush into having a baby or anything but just realistically you probably need to have them within the next ten years. Which I know is still a long time but believe it or not it actually goes fast. I'm 38 now and even when I was 30, I still thought I had all the time in the world. Now it seems like the years have gone by really quickly and I'm nearly 40 lol

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you probably really need to think about this very carefully and try to make a decision that's going to be the best outcome for you. For example, if you are leaning more towards having kids and it seems like your boyfriend doesn't want them, there's probably just no point to be with him. He's actually in his 30's and I think subconsciously he probably does actually know what he wants. As you said, you both love each other and you're happy. So if he did want kids then wouldn't he just say that? Seems he's found the right person in you.  So I think the fact that he doesn't seem to want kids probably means he doesn't actually want them.

It can take some years even to find someone who's a good match and also wants kids and marriage. So the longer you continue being with your boyfriend, the more time you might be wasting. 

If you still want to keep thinking about whether you want kids then maybe you need to set yourself some timelines. For example, when you finish your studies and get a job, you could discuss it with your boyfriend again then. But I think you probably do need to set the expectation that you'll need to come a decision in X amount of time. For example, in six months, a year, etc.

For a relationship to work both people need to have the same or at least similar goals for the future. The goals actually don't necessarily have to be kids and marriage but they just need to be on the same page. For example, one of my friends is in his early 50's and he never wanted kids. He's been with his partner for 13 years and they own an apartment together. She didn't want kids either so they just have cats lol So it doesn't matter that they didn't get married or have kids because they both didn't want that and they're happy just the way things are.

Keep in mind also that just because you love someone doesn't actually mean you must have kids. Some people don't want kids and they are still married, own a house and so on. But I guess if you spend a few more years with your boyfriend and then you realise you want kids and he doesn't, it would probably hurt more to break up. Having kids is a huge decision so personally I think you both need to come to an agreement about it sometime in the next few months or so. 

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Daisychains660 said:

I even asked him “when you love somebody you want to have kids with them right ?

Nope. Where did you get this idea? 

I love my partner dearly, and neither or us has ever wanted children.  And we will never have them. I have never been interested in having a baby and all that goes with it. But I love my man to the moon and back. Those are two entirely separate issues, and having a child together absolutely is no the measuring stick of how much you love someone. It is not fair of you pose that question to him, actually. 

I think he doesn't have the heart to come out and tell you that no, he does not want children. But in time, the truth will reveal itself in ways you can't deny or ignore. 

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @Tinydance. 

If you feel your biological clock ticking away, you need to determine how long you're willing to be with a boyfriend who is unenthusiastic about having children with you.  If you are undecided yet still want choices regarding having a family someday, your boyfriend isn't the type to be a family man because it's not within his vision for his future with or without you.  Those are the types of questions you should ask yourself. 

 

 

[Lambert]

You are 32, your fertility rate is declining.  I know no one likes the biological clock talk and there are options these days to freeze eggs, surrogates, and you can adopt... But if you want kids-- as a woman, the healthiest, easiest, cheapest way to have them is while you are young.  That is a fact.  He is already 5 years younger than you and he is able to reproduce his whole life.  Again-- no one likes this, but it is biological fact.  

You probably should have talked about this before you moved in together.  There is no reason to live with someone, combine your life, finances, and households if you do not have long term goals together.  Not at 32.  You are already conflicted and on the road to not having kids.  You need to decide, because you still have to find the dad!  And his little comment "don't get baby crazy on me" was very immature, trying to shame you into changing the subject.  it's something that has to be discussed and determined.  He is not ready.  And having unprotected sex is not "role playing" it is making a baby.  

I think you need to start being honest with yourself about what you want and your options.  

 

[greendots]

On 2/8/2023 at 6:59 PM, Daisychains660 said:

but I guess my feelings were I love him so I want to have his child and I even asked him “when you love somebody you want to have kids with them right ? And he agreed that yes, it’s true but rationally there are other factors to consider and I know right now logically it’s not time but maybe in the future I will want them. & he said the same but im not sure if he will ever want them. Maybe I don’t know that myself. I’ll know better with time, so I think I will at least give it the year timeline he has and after I graduate see where we’re both at.l before we take next step like marriage etc. I love him a lot. 

So, maybe it's not so much about literally having a child together. Maybe asking him if he wants to have a child with you someday is an indirect way to ascertain that he is in this relationship for the long haul, that he sees a long-term future with you. You're already envisioning the possibility of marriage.

What do you think?

[Kwothe28]

22 minutes ago, Lambert said:

You are 32, your fertility rate is declining.  I know no one likes the biological clock talk and there are options these days to freeze eggs, surrogates, and you can adopt... But if you want kids-- as a woman, the healthiest, easiest, cheapest way to have them is while you are young.  That is a fact.  He is already 5 years younger than you and he is able to reproduce his whole life.  Again-- no one likes this, but it is biological fact.  

 

Its the other way around. She is 27 and her bf is 32. But I do agree that she is at her best age now if she wants to reproduce. 

[Wiseman2]

On 2/8/2023 at 6:59 PM, Daisychains660 said:

We’ve lived together so I’ve about 5 months in . I don’t have a career or income now either.

Try to stabilize the relationship and finances before talking about and considering a family. It's natural to want a family/children one day but it would be much better to be financially prepared and in a solid relationship rather than simply going off contraception and risking an unplanned pregnancy.

Neither of you are wrong or right, but you'll need to agree and have the appropriate finances, health insurance, housing, etc in order to care for another life. Unfortunately having an unplanned pregnancy won't solidify your relationship so you may have to work on preparation first.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its the other way around. She is 27 and her bf is 32. But I do agree that she is at her best age now if she wants to reproduce. 

Not that it's foolproof but in my 30s I had my doc check my hormones etc to see if there were any issues with my ability to conceive.  It's not a bad idea and I think it was just part of my annual visit. OP -we started trying to conceive when I was almost 41.  Conceived shortly before I turned 42.  I was very lucky.  I don't recommend waiting that long. I did to be with the right person I was planning to marry.  As did my husband -we discussed that we'd try before marriage given our ages but we were both committed to marriage no matter what happened as far as my ability to conceive/carry a baby to term. 

We didn't mess around with "let's just see" -we communicated briefly but very directly because we were always on the same page about our desire for children. 

When you really want a child you and your partner want to go about it in the healthiest way possible.  For example when I did get pregnant -we'd been trying on and off for 15 months by that point - (some months we missed out because of long distance) - I had almost a glass of wine (which actually was a lot for me at that time!) at a birthday gathering and took an over the counter med for a stomach issue that was iffy for pregnancy - but once I was a little late I skipped a cold medicine one evening "just in case"

All of these things are really important -if you're playing around you might do more than a glass of wine or have too much diet soda with caffeine/coffee or a food that's not advisable for pregnant women - and if you do it the right way your partner will also be knowledgeable and a way to make sure you're behaving in a healthy way. 

I was 5 weeks pregnant when I tested because I didn't want to be disappointed so I waited till I was a week late.  But since we'd been trying I wasn't "surprised" in that way and of course one glass of wine at that early stage was safe enough as was the one dose of meds.  I was lucky.  You can be too.  Be careful and safe.