My boyfriend is going away for 3 months for work

[Blue18]

Hi everyone, I just need some advice on the whole situation as I am incredibly new.

I (22F) and my boyfriend (22M) have been together for 5.5 years. We have heavily discussed getting engaged later this year, buying a house together next year and having kids very soon after that, so we are very committed and on the same page.

His job has an exchange program with Norway every year for a select amount of people, where they go away for about 3 months and work over there 5 days a week.

My boyfriend has ALWAYS wanted to go to Norway (we both have really) and so this opportunity is definitely a once in a lifetime thing for him as he said once we have kids he wouldn’t consider doing it.

We haven’t been apart for much longer than 2 or 3 weeks before (time apart was mainly due to covid lockdowns) so 3 months is definitely longer than we are used to. 

Norway is over 17,500kms (or roughly 11,000 miles) away from where we live, so I’m definitely struggling with the fact that he will be on the other side of the world and I won’t be able to visit (ticket prices are well over $2,500 USD return, so it’s not really an option)

I’m afraid that since Norway and their people are so different and exciting, that he will find me and the country we live in too boring when he arrives back. I am afraid this may change his feelings for me.

He’s very excited and I am very excited for him, but the time will go quicker for him than it will for me.

I know it shouldn’t change things in our relationship as we have been together for quite awhile now and are very much in love and heavily committed. Nothing has ever happened to make me question his loyalty or love for me, I am just an over thinker whose mind goes to worst case scenarios.

Has anyone else that’s been in a relationship for multiple years, been apart for 3 months due to work? How has it worked out for you? What kind of things did you do to make sure it did work? 

[Seraphim]

Yes, military spouse here, with my husband for 34 years. Fill your life with things to do and friends. Build your life up and your support network. It was much harder when all there was was snail mail. Now at least we have much easier and faster ways of communication. 

[Wiseman2]

You've been together a long time and the relationship seems to be going well. The 3 mos separation will be difficult but not impossible. People in the military and other professions deal with this often. 

You could discuss beforehand what type of communication schedule you could do to keep connected. For example settings aside specific times when you video chat. 

Don't be concerned about how exciting it might be. He'll be homesick and he'll be back.

[Kwothe28]

3 months is not that much especially in the internet age. When you could literally hear and see him for free every day through Skype, Zoom, Viber, Whatsup or any other means of communication. Unless his plans deviate and he wants to stay there (Norway is beautiful but pretty expensive country, perhaps most expensive in Europe so he might not want to stay), you should be fine for a 3 month period time. It should pass very quickly so try not to worry that much.

[Coily]

I will politely say balderdash about the "exciting"part. Not that he won't have new experiences and what not, but temporary study/work like that get very tedious very quickly. The newness will wear off over time, and his heart will grow more fond.

Now expect there to be communication problems at times, expect there are going to be moments that you think he's super into the new; but at the end of the day I doubt he will have more than fond memories.

As others have said you have the means to communicate with him quickly and easily, once he gets settled come up with a schedule. Maybe have a virtual date night thrown in too. When you feel lonely maybe have a zoom meeting dinner together every other week.

When you look at the grand scheme of things 3 months is a blink of an eye.

[boltnrun]

My friend's husband is in the military and is deployed overseas for up to nine months at a time. And they have a young child. Many weeks go by where they are unable to communicate due to him being out in the field. They have been married for over ten years. He does not find his deployments "exciting", in fact he looks forward to being reunited with his family.

Spend time with your friends and family. Work on your education, interests and job. Make sure you have interesting things to tell him other than waiting by the phone for a text from him. THAT would be boring.

[spinstermanquee]

Blue, before we got married my husband went on a 2-month assignment - this was before everyone had cell phones and pay phones were still a thing.

While he was gone I held down the fort, stayed at his place, took care of his doggie, watered the plants, etc.  I kept up with my job, friends, and hobbies, taking care of my own place as well so I was quite busy.

While a tiny little insecure part of me flashed images of beach bunnies and sexy island women, the I-know-my-man part was sure he was going to come home to ME. 

During the time he was gone, he made every effort to call me, shoveling gosh-knows-how-much change into pay phones to call land lines and my work.  He made such an effort to keep in touch despite the old tech in place at the time.  We used to have (gasp!) answering machines so if he missed me he just left a message.

Please don't let this worry you - while you are away from your honey, know that he is away from friends, family, and his LOVE (you) so he will probably be reaching out as much as he is able.  Initially I imagine it's paramount for him to get up to speed with local work culture so he can perform to expectations, but once the intro/orientation period is over he will most likely establish a routine with you that addresses the time zone changes and both your work schedules.

Please don't think of it as a detriment to your relationship.  This *could* be a wonderful experience for you both, and I hope you both benefit from it. 

 

[Andrina]

55 minutes ago, Blue18 said:

I’m afraid that since Norway and their people are so different and exciting, that he will find me and the country we live in too boring when he arrives back. I am afraid this may change his feelings for me.

 

 

1 hour ago, Blue18 said:

I am just an over thinker whose mind goes to worst case scenarios.

Those are some things you'll have to work on for your own good because you can train your brain to think in alternate ways. Let's say your fear actually did come true. If he's bored of you and breaks up with you, well then that'd be for your own good because it would free you to find your forever person.

It's always good to have a mindset of only having control of yourself, being the best partner you can be, and if that's not good enough for a guy, well good riddens.

I highly doubt your fear will come to pass. I know I've enjoyed my travels, but am always happy to go to my home, sweet home.

You've been joined at the hip with your bf from a very young age. How about using this time to find fulfillment in your own company? What if you took up a new hobby you can be passionate about? It'd be certainly fun to share your excitement about it with your bf while he's away.

Please stay positive about his opportunity when speaking to him before he leaves and while he's away. I have two different experiences, one good, and one bad, so I know how it felt to be the one going away. As a teen, I went to France for a month with a school group. My boyfriend tried every way possible to stop me from going, saying he dreamed my plane crashed, said he thought I'd cheat on him with a handsome Frenchman, and then he had anger at me, a few tantrums when I returned. He didn't totally ruin my experience there, but it certainly would've been more pleasant without the stress he piled on me. (I should've broken up with him right there and then, but eventually did).

Versus how my husband behaves. Whenever I'd had work trips or when I've taken a trip with a girlfriend, he has detailed my car when I'm gone, and makes the house spotless for my arrival home. And the daily phone calls are about pleasant chats and how we miss each other.

For your own good, try to practice self-talk where you will tell yourself that you are strong and will survive anything. Be resilient, knowing you can be upset over life's bumps, but that you will get back on your feet and move on. Perhaps that will serve to lessen unrealistic fears.

[Batya33]

Yes I was in that situation and actually my parents met as teenagers and were long distance in the 1950s for 4 years - 8 hour train ride so he visited once a month I think -she was not allowed to visit him except once when she went for an event and stayed at a lady's hotel for one night - he was there for grad school.  They got married shortly after he graduated.  He also wrote her letters and she wrote him letters and maybe they talked once a week.  Their marriage lasted over 60 years till he died.  

My husband and I were long distance on and off for the couple of years we dated - I really never worried about "exciting/he'll forget about me" -it's just -well - it's just not like that when you're in love and committed cause you can have separate adventures and excitement but then you want to tell your SO all about it and go home to him/her. 

Honestly -if he was bored and wanted "excitement" he wouldn't need to go away for work for even 24 hours - you'd know because he'd seek out single guy type activities right where you live now and exclude you.  People who are committed aren't swayed by shiny new things.  Excited? Sure! Curious and energized -sure! But it doesn't affect their commitment to their partner.  

Definitely be easy breezy about this -resist the urge to be clingy -if you love someone set him free -if he comes back to you (and he will!) he's yours and if he doesn't -he never was.  So the saying goes. 

[Seraphim]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My friend's husband is in the military and is deployed overseas for up to nine months at a time. And they have a young child. Many weeks go by where they are unable to communicate due to him being out in the field. They have been married for over ten years. He does not find his deployments "exciting", in fact he looks forward to being reunited with his family.

Spend time with your friends and family. Work on your education, interests and job. Make sure you have interesting things to tell him other than waiting by the phone for a text from him. THAT would be boring.

Yes, my husband is excited to come home. Realize they miss us just as much if not more because THEY are in the unfamiliar place with no supports. 

[Tiddytok5]

Has he cheated before that you're aware of?

 

 

I would hold off on the moving together and having kids straight away.

 

Children change relationships.

 

 

[Blue18]

3 hours ago, Tiddytok5 said:

Has he cheated before that you're aware of?

 

 

I would hold off on the moving together and having kids straight away.

 

Children change relationships.

 

 

Hi there, sorry, it seems you may have taken my post a bit different to how I intended.

In my post I mention that my boyfriend has never done anything to make me question his loyalty or love for me, which implies that he has not ever cheated.

I wasn’t quite looking for opinions on whether or not my boyfriend and I should have kids and buy a house, as I stated those were likely to happen next year, rather than this year. This was more added to let the readers know that we are committed and on the same page, so they can write their replies appropriately. I was looking for advice on what to do with long distance relationships, as neither of us have done it before.

Saying that we should definitely hold off on those things makes me a bit confused as it comes across as though you might think him going to Norway for work is a red flag in our relationship?

Please let me know if I’m wrong though. I don’t mean to offend or make assumptions, that is just how it came across to me.

[Blue18]

17 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Yes, my husband is excited to come home. Realize they miss us just as much if not more because THEY are in the unfamiliar place with no supports. 

This is so great to know, thank you! I definitely know he would miss me, but I do want him to look forward to coming home to me at the end of the 3 months!

[Blue18]

19 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes I was in that situation and actually my parents met as teenagers and were long distance in the 1950s for 4 years - 8 hour train ride so he visited once a month I think -she was not allowed to visit him except once when she went for an event and stayed at a lady's hotel for one night - he was there for grad school.  They got married shortly after he graduated.  He also wrote her letters and she wrote him letters and maybe they talked once a week.  Their marriage lasted over 60 years till he died.  

My husband and I were long distance on and off for the couple of years we dated - I really never worried about "exciting/he'll forget about me" -it's just -well - it's just not like that when you're in love and committed cause you can have separate adventures and excitement but then you want to tell your SO all about it and go home to him/her. 

Honestly -if he was bored and wanted "excitement" he wouldn't need to go away for work for even 24 hours - you'd know because he'd seek out single guy type activities right where you live now and exclude you.  People who are committed aren't swayed by shiny new things.  Excited? Sure! Curious and energized -sure! But it doesn't affect their commitment to their partner.  

Definitely be easy breezy about this -resist the urge to be clingy -if you love someone set him free -if he comes back to you (and he will!) he's yours and if he doesn't -he never was.  So the saying goes. 

Wow that sounds like A LOT of love and commitment between your parents to make things work! I’m so glad things worked out so well between them!

That is such a good point about how they would be excited to share their adventures and experiences. He has said that he will be sending me a lot of photos and videos of the more touristy things he does and the views.

It is also a very good point about how he would likely seek out single guy activities in our current city, not head over to the other side of the world. I definitely don’t have any fears that he would cheat while over there, but it’s a great point to add.

I am definitely very excited for him and I am sharing in his excitement. I won’t be clingy, I’ll just keep things how they normally are in our relationship.

He has said he will definitely be coming back, but taking me over there for a holiday in the next couple of years, so that would be quite cool! Thank you for your advice!

[Blue18]

21 hours ago, Andrina said:

 

Those are some things you'll have to work on for your own good because you can train your brain to think in alternate ways. Let's say your fear actually did come true. If he's bored of you and breaks up with you, well then that'd be for your own good because it would free you to find your forever person.

It's always good to have a mindset of only having control of yourself, being the best partner you can be, and if that's not good enough for a guy, well good riddens.

I highly doubt your fear will come to pass. I know I've enjoyed my travels, but am always happy to go to my home, sweet home.

You've been joined at the hip with your bf from a very young age. How about using this time to find fulfillment in your own company? What if you took up a new hobby you can be passionate about? It'd be certainly fun to share your excitement about it with your bf while he's away.

Please stay positive about his opportunity when speaking to him before he leaves and while he's away. I have two different experiences, one good, and one bad, so I know how it felt to be the one going away. As a teen, I went to France for a month with a school group. My boyfriend tried every way possible to stop me from going, saying he dreamed my plane crashed, said he thought I'd cheat on him with a handsome Frenchman, and then he had anger at me, a few tantrums when I returned. He didn't totally ruin my experience there, but it certainly would've been more pleasant without the stress he piled on me. (I should've broken up with him right there and then, but eventually did).

Versus how my husband behaves. Whenever I'd had work trips or when I've taken a trip with a girlfriend, he has detailed my car when I'm gone, and makes the house spotless for my arrival home. And the daily phone calls are about pleasant chats and how we miss each other.

For your own good, try to practice self-talk where you will tell yourself that you are strong and will survive anything. Be resilient, knowing you can be upset over life's bumps, but that you will get back on your feet and move on. Perhaps that will serve to lessen unrealistic fears.

That is very true, if he does break up with me because of that, it would be very stupid and I would be better off without.

I do always try to be the best and most supportive I can be!

I also highly doubt he would leave me, as others have said here, they (or their partners) quite enjoyed coming back home again!

While my boyfriend and I have been quite close all these years, I have never lost myself. I already have a lot of creative hobbies and sports that I enjoy immensely. I am definitely not afraid of doing things alone or having my own interests, so I will just dive into all of those!

I definitely won’t be bringing him down about the trip, he is so excited and I am excited for him! I would never even dream of telling him not to go, as it’s such a great opportunity he got selected for!

I am definitely a bit sad that he will be so far away and I believe I’m allowed to feel that way, but I won’t be letting it consume everything or make him feel guilty for going! 

Thank you for your advice! 

[Blue18]

21 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

Blue, before we got married my husband went on a 2-month assignment - this was before everyone had cell phones and pay phones were still a thing.

While he was gone I held down the fort, stayed at his place, took care of his doggie, watered the plants, etc.  I kept up with my job, friends, and hobbies, taking care of my own place as well so I was quite busy.

While a tiny little insecure part of me flashed images of beach bunnies and sexy island women, the I-know-my-man part was sure he was going to come home to ME. 

During the time he was gone, he made every effort to call me, shoveling gosh-knows-how-much change into pay phones to call land lines and my work.  He made such an effort to keep in touch despite the old tech in place at the time.  We used to have (gasp!) answering machines so if he missed me he just left a message.

Please don't let this worry you - while you are away from your honey, know that he is away from friends, family, and his LOVE (you) so he will probably be reaching out as much as he is able.  Initially I imagine it's paramount for him to get up to speed with local work culture so he can perform to expectations, but once the intro/orientation period is over he will most likely establish a routine with you that addresses the time zone changes and both your work schedules.

Please don't think of it as a detriment to your relationship.  This *could* be a wonderful experience for you both, and I hope you both benefit from it. 

 

That’s a very good point! I know there will be some attractive people over there, but he is choosing to come home to me and continue building our life, so that definitely does put my mind at ease! 

Technology is definitely so much more advanced that it used to be! I don’t doubt we will have any trouble keeping in contact worn each other, the different time zones would likely be the only thing. Like you said though, we can just leave messages for each other! 

I would think this would be the case. Him getting to know his way around the place he will be working and getting to know the new people he will be working with (plus the initial shock of him actually being in the country he’s dreamed of going to!). Once that has all settled down, I’m sure we will get into a rhythm with talking to each other!

I do also hope we benefit from it!

Thank you for your advice!

[Blue18]

22 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My friend's husband is in the military and is deployed overseas for up to nine months at a time. And they have a young child. Many weeks go by where they are unable to communicate due to him being out in the field. They have been married for over ten years. He does not find his deployments "exciting", in fact he looks forward to being reunited with his family.

Spend time with your friends and family. Work on your education, interests and job. Make sure you have interesting things to tell him other than waiting by the phone for a text from him. THAT would be boring.

That would definitely be hard being a military family, but it’s great things work for them!

I will definitely try have interesting things to tell him, though will probably win with levels of interesting things haha.

Thank you for your advice!

[Blue18]

22 hours ago, Coily said:

I will politely say balderdash about the "exciting"part. Not that he won't have new experiences and what not, but temporary study/work like that get very tedious very quickly. The newness will wear off over time, and his heart will grow more fond.

Now expect there to be communication problems at times, expect there are going to be moments that you think he's super into the new; but at the end of the day I doubt he will have more than fond memories.

As others have said you have the means to communicate with him quickly and easily, once he gets settled come up with a schedule. Maybe have a virtual date night thrown in too. When you feel lonely maybe have a zoom meeting dinner together every other week.

When you look at the grand scheme of things 3 months is a blink of an eye.

He heavily enjoys his job, it’s not a desk job or anything, definitely very physical, so the work wouldn’t get tedious or boring, it would definitely be exciting for him.

I do believe he will be glad to come home to me at the end though!

Communication will likely be a little sparse due to everything that will be going on, but that should be okay, as long as we still talk every 1-2 days as we normally do (I’m sure he won’t be able to wait very long to send me pictures or tell me cool things about the country)

The virtual date night sounds like a great idea. We will have to work out what times work best for us, due to the 12 hour time difference.

I do hope 3 months goes by quickly!

Thank you for your advice!

[Blue18]

22 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

3 months is not that much especially in the internet age. When you could literally hear and see him for free every day through Skype, Zoom, Viber, Whatsup or any other means of communication. Unless his plans deviate and he wants to stay there (Norway is beautiful but pretty expensive country, perhaps most expensive in Europe so he might not want to stay), you should be fine for a 3 month period time. It should pass very quickly so try not to worry that much.

That is true, we have a lot of ways to talk to each other!

His work requires him to come back, so if he did want to stay, he would have to come back first and do a transfer that way. Norway is definitely very similar to the country we live in, in terms of scenery, so thought he may love the country, our country is not all that different looks wise.

I do hope the 3 months goes quicker than I think it will!

Thank you for your advice! 

[Blue18]

22 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You've been together a long time and the relationship seems to be going well. The 3 mos separation will be difficult but not impossible. People in the military and other professions deal with this often. 

You could discuss beforehand what type of communication schedule you could do to keep connected. For example settings aside specific times when you video chat. 

Don't be concerned about how exciting it might be. He'll be homesick and he'll be back.

That is true, military people do usually have to go a lot longer than this. Me being sad about a 3 month separation does seem a bit pathetic in comparison lol.

We definitely will be making sure we set time aside to properly talk though.

Thank you so much for your advice! 

[Blue18]

22 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Yes, military spouse here, with my husband for 34 years. Fill your life with things to do and friends. Build your life up and your support network. It was much harder when all there was was snail mail. Now at least we have much easier and faster ways of communication. 

Thank you for your advice! We are definitely fortunate to have the technology we currently have! 

[spinstermanquee]

4 hours ago, Blue18 said:

I definitely won’t be bringing him down about the trip, he is so excited and I am excited for him! I would never even dream of telling him not to go, as it’s such a great opportunity he got selected for!

I am definitely a bit sad that he will be so far away and I believe I’m allowed to feel that way, but I won’t be letting it consume everything or make him feel guilty for going!

This is true love, Miss Blue <3<3<3

[smackie9]

Just remember he's in the same boat mentally...He is well aware you will be on your own for 3 months too and anything can happen while he's gone. So you are not alone with these thoughts.

[Cherylyn]

My husband did extensive business travel for many years while I was left with a lot of responsibilities raising our sons and maintaining our home life.  I coped by remaining super busy.  I wasn't the one to wallow in my misery.  Aside from child rearing, I was involved with many wonderful friendships, joined clubs, organizations and remain close to my local relatives and in-laws. 

I have my own life and I'm my own person.  I love becoming engrossed in my hobbies because I've always loved to create things with my hands whether it's quilting, crocheting, calligraphy, cake decorating, greeting card embossing, jewelry making, stamping or making wax seals for stationary.  I exercise daily and enjoy cooking. 

Before my beloved intelligent and calm Golden Retriever passed away, we took walks together, took her everywhere with us and she was amazing to be with. 

I enjoy reading library books (not e-books) and have several newspaper subscriptions (real paper).

Time flies when you're industrious and productive. 

As for you, know your boyfriend's stint in Norway isn't permanent.  3 months goes by fast when you're very busy doing your own thing.  Have your own interests.  Don't be consumed with your boyfriend while he's away.  Get busy and before you know it, he'll be home. 

[Jenbeee]

Hiya! 🙂

I can understand it is a bit nerve wracking when it is a situation you’re not used to and something that’s out of routine. Fill your heart with faith that everything will be just fine. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. 
During the time he’s overseas, try new things. Any hobby you’ve been meaning to try? You can also make video chats eventful. Special. Super special. 
 

Three months will fly and you’ll be in each other’s arms in no time. 
 

Wish you two all the best,

Jen.