Panicking that I haven't found the one

[Tiddytok5]

Focus on developing an identity and life of your own outside of relationships.

Enjoy your single life to the fullest.

 

Please do not get in any relationship. Since you're soo obsessive about it, you'll pick the wrong person, the wrong relationship, being innocent humans into it, and you won't leave.

You need therapy.

Not to be married and with children..

 

Also, you only want these things because everyone around you has them. You only want these things to "fit in" with them.

 

That's a terrible reason.

 

Also your friends and family who have kids and married may be in terrible unhealthy dysfunctional relationships and may regret it all... Including the children. 

They all may  wish they were single and unattached again. 

 

 

You don't know what truly goes on in their lives.

 

 

 

Be careful what you wish for..you just might get it.

[tattoobunnie]

This is funny, but it's also not a joke.  So after you've been on that journey to learn to love yourself, hit the Home Depot 🤪

https://nypost.com/2023/01/26/single-women-are-shopping-for-husband-material-at-home-depot/amp/

It use to be sports bars and steak houses, but with the pandemic, guess it's Home Depot is the early morning 

[Batya33]

When I was dating asking out men was easy enough for me but wasn’t an effective way for me or my friends to find a long term relationship leading to marriage but it was for casual dating or a fling.

I think it was effective for those women who preferred to be mostly in control of the relationship and were attracted to men who were content to let them take the lead in general.  

I’m speculating but I’ve heard of those sorts of relationships. Most of my male friends loved being asked out. They were flattered!  And those were not the women they wanted in any serious way.  Certainly not the women who did so in the very beginning of the relationship or did so frequently.  they might wish they were more into those women who were forward about asking out (yes I’m being sexist. It was sexist back in 2005 and beyond from what I’ve heard - has it really changed much ??) but once the woman started asking them out it kinda knocked the wind out of their sails.
Ridiculous since obviously women don’t react that way to being asked out but I was looking for marriage not to make some sort of feminist statement and refuse to date men who preferred to be the askers. 

Later on when they were serious it didn’t really matter who asked. But I think it’s really important to ask for first meets on a dating site as opposed to long term chat buddy stuff - first meets are not dates.  A man who asks for a first meet is not asking a stranger for a date. 

I showed a lot of interest and flirted and asked men to dance and initiated conversations.  I didn’t believe I could meet s good match for me just anywhere so I was selective about how I spent my sparse free time. I went to many events and activities and went on blind dates and many first meets.
I wanted a man who saw his role as doing most of the asking out on dates in the beginning.  Who liked that role and saw I showed enthusiasm and also offered to chip in or treat for part of the date etc.

 I sense the OP is sort of traditional that way as well. While also being financially independent and valuing owning her own home.

I valued having a nest egg and ample savings and had no interest in owning property or decorating a home including when I became a mom.

 I’d rather be out of my home traveling and seeing new places and getting out of my comfort zone.

But the OP should maybe go to Home Depot - seriously - they have classes there I think. And perhaps men who are also interested in home ownership and renovations and improvement. 
good luck !

[boltnrun]

Home Depot does have classes. But that's something I wouldn't do just to meet men. I also wouldn't hang out there lol. Now if I was building a raised garden or a bird house then yes I would go there to buy supplies (well, I prefer Lowe's).

I asked my husband out first. After that we made plans together. But it was easy because we lived in the same dorm. 

[Tinydance]

38 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

When I was dating asking out men was easy enough for me but wasn’t an effective way for me or my friends to find a long term relationship leading to marriage but it was for casual dating or a fling.

I think it was effective for those women who preferred to be mostly in control of the relationship and were attracted to men who were content to let them take the lead in general.  

I’m speculating but I’ve heard of those sorts of relationships. Most of my male friends loved being asked out. They were flattered!  And those were not the women they wanted in any serious way.  Certainly not the women who did so in the very beginning of the relationship or did so frequently.  they might wish they were more into those women who were forward about asking out (yes I’m being sexist. It was sexist back in 2005 and beyond from what I’ve heard - has it really changed much ??) but once the woman started asking them out it kinda knocked the wind out of their sails.
Ridiculous since obviously women don’t react that way to being asked out but I was looking for marriage not to make some sort of feminist statement and refuse to date men who preferred to be the askers. 

Later on when they were serious it didn’t really matter who asked. But I think it’s really important to ask for first meets on a dating site as opposed to long term chat buddy stuff - first meets are not dates.  A man who asks for a first meet is not asking a stranger for a date. 

I showed a lot of interest and flirted and asked men to dance and initiated conversations.  I didn’t believe I could meet s good match for me just anywhere so I was selective about how I spent my sparse free time. I went to many events and activities and went on blind dates and many first meets.
I wanted a man who saw his role as doing most of the asking out on dates in the beginning.  Who liked that role and saw I showed enthusiasm and also offered to chip in or treat for part of the date etc.

 I sense the OP is sort of traditional that way as well. While also being financially independent and valuing owning her own home.

I valued having a nest egg and ample savings and had no interest in owning property or decorating a home including when I became a mom.

 I’d rather be out of my home traveling and seeing new places and getting out of my comfort zone.

But the OP should maybe go to Home Depot - seriously - they have classes there I think. And perhaps men who are also interested in home ownership and renovations and improvement. 
good luck !

I think times are changing though and women can ask men out. The men that like it are not necessarily always shy, non masculine guys or whatever. If they like the woman as well I don't think they'd care that it was her who asked them out and not the other way around. I also don't think it's desperate unless it's clear the guy isn't interested and the woman keeps chasing them.

Alex said she's 31 so she's a millennial and things are different now amongst millennials lol Also I think if a woman is beautiful then yes guys will always be asking her out. This happened to my best friend a lot because she's really attractive. In my case I had to work harder and be more proactive myself.

[Alex39]

6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

OK, you don't like anyone's suggestions. 

I hope you find what you're looking for using the methods you're currently using 

I don't know how you got that from my posts. I went back to the gym, joined a social group and already signed up to go to events, I am planning on getting back on online dating. So I am taking your suggestions and making it work for me right now. These are huge steps for me. Sorry I didn't join a sports team. In my area, they are very much for established friend groups. I'm trying to build one right now. I joined meet up and all I found was retired people. Retired people walking, retired groups for biking, etc. So I went on Facebook and had way more luck. I am trying. I didn't take your specific instructions, because I don't think in my area that is as popular. No one I know goes to a wine or beer tasting alone. Everyone goes with friends or couples. That would be bizarre to just go alone. One, it promotes drinking heavily weekly and two, people may think I'm an alcoholic being there by myself. But, maybe if I make friends with some women on this Facebook page, then I can go out on activities with them and maybe meet men. That was my thought. These are huge steps for me right now. And I do appreciate all the advice. You all have really pushed me to get back out into the world. I have nothing to lose and nothing to hide anymore. 

[Alex39]

3 hours ago, Tiddytok5 said:

Focus on developing an identity and life of your own outside of relationships.

Enjoy your single life to the fullest.

 

Please do not get in any relationship. Since you're soo obsessive about it, you'll pick the wrong person, the wrong relationship, being innocent humans into it, and you won't leave.

You need therapy.

Not to be married and with children..

 

Also, you only want these things because everyone around you has them. You only want these things to "fit in" with them.

 

That's a terrible reason.

 

Also your friends and family who have kids and married may be in terrible unhealthy dysfunctional relationships and may regret it all... Including the children. 

They all may  wish they were single and unattached again. 

 

 

You don't know what truly goes on in their lives.

 

 

 

Be careful what you wish for..you just might get it.

I'm in therapy now and honestly doing super well. My therapist doesn't think I need it anymore. She thinks I need to build a life and stop being so afraid of life. I've come super far in therapy. I set boundaries. I've come so far with my family and my mother. I want a life of my own now. 

I don't just want a man and babies to fit in with my friends. I want a man for myself. I want a partner, a best friend, someone to come home to, someone to support and that will support me, a real serious relationship, where we can have fun and share life together. I just notice that everyone around me is married. And I'd like to delve into having a serious relationship. I'm 31, not getting any younger. And I'd like not to be alone anymore. 

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, tattoobunnie said:

This is funny, but it's also not a joke.  So after you've been on that journey to learn to love yourself, hit the Home Depot 🤪

https://nypost.com/2023/01/26/single-women-are-shopping-for-husband-material-at-home-depot/amp/

It use to be sports bars and steak houses, but with the pandemic, guess it's Home Depot is the early morning 

One of my co-workers told me to do this and honestly it's worth a shot. I hit up Home Depot one morning and in the morning is apparently when all the construction guys pop in a re-stock their supplies. There were hoards of hot men in there. I was surprised. Once I get in a bit better shape, I may need to keep popping in during the morning hours. 

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Home Depot does have classes. But that's something I wouldn't do just to meet men. I also wouldn't hang out there lol. Now if I was building a raised garden or a bird house then yes I would go there to buy supplies (well, I prefer Lowe's).

I asked my husband out first. After that we made plans together. But it was easy because we lived in the same dorm. 

I've asked guys out before. I prefer it traditional, but I have no issue asking out first. Last year when I was online dating, I tried Bumble. The girl talks first. And after talking for about a day to make sure they weren't weird,  I'd suggest a date. I went on maybe 4 dates that way. I didn't want to waste time chatting for days on end. Let's meet quickly and see how it goes type thing. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

I think times are changing though and women can ask men out. The men that like it are not necessarily always shy, non masculine guys or whatever. If they like the woman as well I don't think they'd care that it was her who asked them out and not the other way around. I also don't think it's desperate unless it's clear the guy isn't interested and the woman keeps chasing them.

Alex said she's 31 so she's a millennial and things are different now amongst millennials lol Also I think if a woman is beautiful then yes guys will always be asking her out. This happened to my best friend a lot because she's really attractive. In my case I had to work harder and be more proactive myself.

I defer to you. I have many friends who are in their 30s and friends with kids in their 20s and I don't see it changing much other than with all the texting etc it's less formal as in -man calls women by Wednesday night if he has any hopes of scoring a weekend date.  

Bolt -for sure in college many women asked men out first in a dorm situation and often asking once is irrelevant -I was talking about a woman doing most of the asking in the beginning. Not just once (and good for you!).  

Also I never liked the transparent follow up "thank you" a woman sends a man because it really means "hi!!! ask me out again!!!"  Say thank you on  the date.  Always.  Also I'm not a fan of constant texting -get to know each other in person -unwrap the layers of the person over time -no need to know what they had for lunch or that they ran to the dry cleaners after work.

[catfeeder]

14 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Who wants to be on a team with a group of already established friends by yourself? You'll be hated.

Holy crap. I think your clock must have stopped back in 8th grade. You won't be 'hated' for joining a team with friends on it. If they need a player, then they WANT the player.

I'm glad you're making some steps. I'd watch for the knee-jerk negative--it wastes your creativity to spin excuses. None are required. 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, Alex39 said:

My therapist doesn't think I need it anymore

Does she know you say things like "I hate myself?"

If she doesn't, why not? If she does and still thinks you don't need therapy anymore, I kindly suggest you need a better therapist. 

[mylolita]

Hey Alex!

 

I have different feelings on this. I say, you are very valid in all your feelings, and your wants and desires are perfectly fine, and normal, and the feeling of running out of time is very valid too. It’s what is on a lot of thirty something female and males minds, really.

 

Sometimes we do hate ourselves. Sometimes we love ourselves. Sometimes things tick on and are a okay. This is human nature. You want to get to a place where you like and respect and love yourself for the majority of the time.

 

I’m a big believer in, living for now, right now, not “in the future when all is well”, to quote Morrissey. Losing weight is an admirable thing, but it’s not going to happen instantly. You need weeks, months - maybe even a year, I’m not sure how much you would like to lose. You need to find a way to enjoy yourself, feel yourself and live in the moment RIGHT NOW! And  allow yourself to be happy, RIGHT NOW! 
 

You don’t need to do this this this that and this and then all the stars will align and you find Mr Right. Mr Right is hanging around today, or tomorrow. And if he’s Mr Right for you right now, he’ll love you exactly how you are, right now.

 

Confidence and amazing positive energy trumps a whole lot in life, I will tell you that. I used to work in a strip club and I have worked in some huge luxury chains and it is almost a catch phase, a well known thing, that the prettiest girl is NEVER the highest earner. NEVER! You know who was? Who “got the guys?!” the confident ballsy one!!!! The one who was totally rocking it and at ease in her own skin and revelled in her own uniqueness - basically, fully acceptance and enjoyment and swag in who you are.

 

We all have assets, things that are beautiful about us. You have those things right now. If it’s beautiful eyes, high light them with makeup! Make sure you have a flattering hair cut that compliments your face shape. Wear clothes that you feel comfortable in but that do you justice! If you have  great ankles, fantastic legs, amazing boobs! Okay! Let’s see them! Show off what you are comfortable showing off! White teeth, a great skin routine for glowing skin, paint your nails, make sure you drink plenty of water! Do something fun for yourself that is a treat, every single day, doesn’t matter how small. It could be time to listen to your favourite song, work out, take a bath, meet with friends, read a book, take a walk, write in a journal, have a coffee - anything. You need to treat yourself as if you matter, you deserve good and amazing things! 
 

Get out there as you are. Working on yourself is a long, background process. You want your man now, I get that! The way to do that is first, realise your beauty, run with it. Don’t wait till tomorrow. 
 

Don’t look to what everyone else does - they’re not you. How they met people, how they dated, what they do. You need to find your own unique way of feeling good about yourself, this attracts people, when you feel amazing and confident. 
 

Think about what kind of guy you want. You really need to have a deep think about this. What kind of life do you want? Visualise your family, your husband, you? What does it look like? What values does he have? What’s his personality like? How does he treat you and how does he make you feel? 
 

You need to know exactly what you want in your future guy, or you won’t know it when you see it, and that is the biggest time waster - not knowing where you are going, or what you want! You could date  all you like but if you are aimless in your desires you’ll fall in with anyone and waste time either endlessly dating or getting into a relationship with someone who isn’t really right.

 

It’s great you’re getting out there! You can meet anyone absolutely anywhere. This is where the confidence comes in. Absolutely anywhere.

 

Listen, they’d be lucky to have you! Remember that! Don’t listen to your mother, don’t look to anyone else’s life. You have to live your own, that’s the only way to be happy - being authentic in your own heart. You can live right now. You could go on a date tonight and bag the man of your dreams. You’re good enough right now!!!

 

x

 

 

[mylolita]

By the way, life and timing is just one of those tragic, tedious, or gorgeous things.

 

I’ve been with my husband since I was 18 for 15 years, we have three children, 5, 3 and 1. I always wanted to be pregnant at least by the time I was 25. It just didn’t work out like that for me. We had just bought the house of my dreams, I was married,  everything was on paper perfect for such a young age but, I suddenly didn’t feel quite ready like I had thought I would? I fell pregnant at 27 and had my son at 28. I get the rushed feeling. We are at the mercy of our biological clocks. But you have to get choosing someone right, and be sure, and take your time over knowing, because in my opinion, who you shackle yourself too and end up having children with is the biggest decision of your whole life.

 

It’s not always going to follow your timeline, but that’s okay. The thing is that you are positive and kind to yourself and enjoying life in the moment and looking forward to the future, not filling it with worry and strife before it’s even happened.

 

A lot of women and men our age feel this way. (I’m 33 by the way, hey Ho, millennials!) 

 

x

[Batya33]

I would add that for sure -know what you want -know what's on your musts list, know what qualities you want in a future mate - do not waste time hemming and hawing in a situation where you'd be settling or you're not feeling it.   But also be open to reevaluating -not at all so you settle -do not settle -but whether you sort of habitually have something on your list as a must but you realize -no - it was really important 5-10 years ago but now it is not and in fact Y is much more important. 

And if you meet someone who genuinely sparks you - not just because he is hot  -but he's not at all your typical type - spend some time exploring -some - unless he has one of the absolute dealbreakers he cannot control -like -he's a single dad and you strongly prefer not to date a single dad or he never wants kids.  

Sometimes we surprise ourselves and it catches us with that spark -again not just based on the piercing blue or brown eyes or whatever - but an a ha moment.  

[nublu2]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

Hey Alex!

 

I have different feelings on this. I say, you are very valid in all your feelings, and your wants and desires are perfectly fine, and normal, and the feeling of running out of time is very valid too. It’s what is on a lot of thirty something female and males minds, really.

 

Sometimes we do hate ourselves. Sometimes we love ourselves. Sometimes things tick on and are a okay. This is human nature. You want to get to a place where you like and respect and love yourself for the majority of the time.

 

I’m a big believer in, living for now, right now, not “in the future when all is well”, to quote Morrissey. Losing weight is an admirable thing, but it’s not going to happen instantly. You need weeks, months - maybe even a year, I’m not sure how much you would like to lose. You need to find a way to enjoy yourself, feel yourself and live in the moment RIGHT NOW! And  allow yourself to be happy, RIGHT NOW! 
 

You don’t need to do this this this that and this and then all the stars will align and you find Mr Right. Mr Right is hanging around today, or tomorrow. And if he’s Mr Right for you right now, he’ll love you exactly how you are, right now.

 

Confidence and amazing positive energy trumps a whole lot in life, I will tell you that. I used to work in a strip club and I have worked in some huge luxury chains and it is almost a catch phase, a well known thing, that the prettiest girl is NEVER the highest earner. NEVER! You know who was? Who “got the guys?!” the confident ballsy one!!!! The one who was totally rocking it and at ease in her own skin and revelled in her own uniqueness - basically, fully acceptance and enjoyment and swag in who you are.

 

We all have assets, things that are beautiful about us. You have those things right now. If it’s beautiful eyes, high light them with makeup! Make sure you have a flattering hair cut that compliments your face shape. Wear clothes that you feel comfortable in but that do you justice! If you have  great ankles, fantastic legs, amazing boobs! Okay! Let’s see them! Show off what you are comfortable showing off! White teeth, a great skin routine for glowing skin, paint your nails, make sure you drink plenty of water! Do something fun for yourself that is a treat, every single day, doesn’t matter how small. It could be time to listen to your favourite song, work out, take a bath, meet with friends, read a book, take a walk, write in a journal, have a coffee - anything. You need to treat yourself as if you matter, you deserve good and amazing things! 
 

Get out there as you are. Working on yourself is a long, background process. You want your man now, I get that! The way to do that is first, realise your beauty, run with it. Don’t wait till tomorrow. 
 

Don’t look to what everyone else does - they’re not you. How they met people, how they dated, what they do. You need to find your own unique way of feeling good about yourself, this attracts people, when you feel amazing and confident. 
 

Think about what kind of guy you want. You really need to have a deep think about this. What kind of life do you want? Visualise your family, your husband, you? What does it look like? What values does he have? What’s his personality like? How does he treat you and how does he make you feel? 
 

You need to know exactly what you want in your future guy, or you won’t know it when you see it, and that is the biggest time waster - not knowing where you are going, or what you want! You could date  all you like but if you are aimless in your desires you’ll fall in with anyone and waste time either endlessly dating or getting into a relationship with someone who isn’t really right.

 

It’s great you’re getting out there! You can meet anyone absolutely anywhere. This is where the confidence comes in. Absolutely anywhere.

 

Listen, they’d be lucky to have you! Remember that! Don’t listen to your mother, don’t look to anyone else’s life. You have to live your own, that’s the only way to be happy - being authentic in your own heart. You can live right now. You could go on a date tonight and bag the man of your dreams. You’re good enough right now!!!

 

x

 

 

Fantastic post - this is what you need to focus on!

The 'right man' is right for you now, not who you can pretend to be or work to be over time.

Just be you. But do it and everything else with confidence. Not self-doubt. 

It sounds like you have a lot going for you, focus on that. And somebody will eventually see that too. 

Good luck!

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I would add that for sure -know what you want -know what's on your musts list, know what qualities you want in a future mate - do not waste time hemming and hawing in a situation where you'd be settling or you're not feeling it.   But also be open to reevaluating -not at all so you settle -do not settle -but whether you sort of habitually have something on your list as a must but you realize -no - it was really important 5-10 years ago but now it is not and in fact Y is much more important. 

 

I would just like to add that she should have both standards and preferences. The difference is that standards are "non negotiables". For example shared values, respecting her opinion, treating her right etc. That is her minimum that she should go. While everything else falls under "preferences". Who are a plus, but negotiable and not "must have". For example height, job, salary, buying her gifts etc. She(and any other person) should have both standards and preferences when dating. 

Read that somewhere and its a pretty good distinction for what you said. 

[Betterwithout]

just a quick chime in here from a guy.

I did online dating for about 3 years.  Most went nowhere.  Some had potential.  Some were train wrecks, some were aloof.   For me it was a numbers game, the more coffee dates I went to, the more I learned about myself and learned what I wanted, didn't want.

Women are very intuitive, but men should get some credit too as they can sniff out desperation and someone "trying too hard", so be mindful of that and the confidence(or lack thereof) that you exude.

The Home Depot comment made me laugh.  I picked up a part-time job there when I was in my early 30s.  One late 30's woman got hired to work there and she was pretty and fun, and I think secretly sought the part time job to meet men customers and staff.   She ended up finding a man there!
Fish where the fish are.

Also highly recommend to change up your daily routines and think outside of the box where to meet men, even if that means going out of your comfort zone.

[Cherylyn]

In my experience, I've found that women who focused on their careers and getting ahead in life, fared quite well in attracting like men and like minds.  Granted, it's not always the case but generally all the women friends whom I  know who are quite successful,  attracted the type of men in the upper echelons of society.  Once you ascend in society, you can afford to become extremely picky and choosy or so I've noticed. 

I remember I never dated throughout my school and college life and never had a boyfriend in my life!  No one was interested in me.  I gave up.  I concentrated on myself entirely.  I focused on my career path, health, intellectual pursuits, hobbies, fitness, interests and did what made me happy.  I was a very busy lady.  Then suddenly, all the most eligible bachelors crawled out of the woodwork.  I was pushing through an open door.  It was amazing.  I had my pick of the best of the best in solid character and profession.  I married him, too.  We have two great sons.  We live a very established, settled, stable life in a peaceful suburb.  

If you want to be in the company of the best men, you have to run in the same circles as the cream of the crop.   

[Alex39]

On 1/31/2023 at 6:00 AM, mylolita said:

Hey Alex!

 

I have different feelings on this. I say, you are very valid in all your feelings, and your wants and desires are perfectly fine, and normal, and the feeling of running out of time is very valid too. It’s what is on a lot of thirty something female and males minds, really.

 

Sometimes we do hate ourselves. Sometimes we love ourselves. Sometimes things tick on and are a okay. This is human nature. You want to get to a place where you like and respect and love yourself for the majority of the time.

 

I’m a big believer in, living for now, right now, not “in the future when all is well”, to quote Morrissey. Losing weight is an admirable thing, but it’s not going to happen instantly. You need weeks, months - maybe even a year, I’m not sure how much you would like to lose. You need to find a way to enjoy yourself, feel yourself and live in the moment RIGHT NOW! And  allow yourself to be happy, RIGHT NOW! 
 

You don’t need to do this this this that and this and then all the stars will align and you find Mr Right. Mr Right is hanging around today, or tomorrow. And if he’s Mr Right for you right now, he’ll love you exactly how you are, right now.

 

Confidence and amazing positive energy trumps a whole lot in life, I will tell you that. I used to work in a strip club and I have worked in some huge luxury chains and it is almost a catch phase, a well known thing, that the prettiest girl is NEVER the highest earner. NEVER! You know who was? Who “got the guys?!” the confident ballsy one!!!! The one who was totally rocking it and at ease in her own skin and revelled in her own uniqueness - basically, fully acceptance and enjoyment and swag in who you are.

 

We all have assets, things that are beautiful about us. You have those things right now. If it’s beautiful eyes, high light them with makeup! Make sure you have a flattering hair cut that compliments your face shape. Wear clothes that you feel comfortable in but that do you justice! If you have  great ankles, fantastic legs, amazing boobs! Okay! Let’s see them! Show off what you are comfortable showing off! White teeth, a great skin routine for glowing skin, paint your nails, make sure you drink plenty of water! Do something fun for yourself that is a treat, every single day, doesn’t matter how small. It could be time to listen to your favourite song, work out, take a bath, meet with friends, read a book, take a walk, write in a journal, have a coffee - anything. You need to treat yourself as if you matter, you deserve good and amazing things! 
 

Get out there as you are. Working on yourself is a long, background process. You want your man now, I get that! The way to do that is first, realise your beauty, run with it. Don’t wait till tomorrow. 
 

Don’t look to what everyone else does - they’re not you. How they met people, how they dated, what they do. You need to find your own unique way of feeling good about yourself, this attracts people, when you feel amazing and confident. 
 

Think about what kind of guy you want. You really need to have a deep think about this. What kind of life do you want? Visualise your family, your husband, you? What does it look like? What values does he have? What’s his personality like? How does he treat you and how does he make you feel? 
 

You need to know exactly what you want in your future guy, or you won’t know it when you see it, and that is the biggest time waster - not knowing where you are going, or what you want! You could date  all you like but if you are aimless in your desires you’ll fall in with anyone and waste time either endlessly dating or getting into a relationship with someone who isn’t really right.

 

It’s great you’re getting out there! You can meet anyone absolutely anywhere. This is where the confidence comes in. Absolutely anywhere.

 

Listen, they’d be lucky to have you! Remember that! Don’t listen to your mother, don’t look to anyone else’s life. You have to live your own, that’s the only way to be happy - being authentic in your own heart. You can live right now. You could go on a date tonight and bag the man of your dreams. You’re good enough right now!!!

 

x

 

 

Thank you so much. This really resonated with me. I do have confidence. I'm secure in my life and myself. I don't love my body,but I dress well for my body. I have a beautiful face. I wear makeup, style my hair, have a nice haircut. White nice teeth. 

 

I have tough days where I hate myself. But most days I love myself and feel happy with all I've accomplished. 

I know exactly what kind of man I want and deserve. 

It's funny, I have a friend, and years ago she was like "I thought you had no issue getting guys and you were just so cool with them"

I was confused by why she thought this. She explained "you just have so much confidence, and you are just authentically you."

And its true. I am that person. Over the years my confidence has grown, and when it wavers, I get down a bit, but I always pick myself back up and work harder and it always comes back. I don't give myself enough credit. 

I remember in college, I had girl friends and they slowly stopped inviting me to things. I was hurt by thus. I ended up finding out that it was because they knew the cute guys would like me and they didn't want the competition. 

I wasn't trying to date everything that walked. I wasn't an easy girl. I just was fun, quirky, and confident, so guys liked me as a friend. 

I really don't give myself enough ccredit. I work hard everyday on my life and myself. Always striving to be better. What more can I do?

 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

What more can I do?

If there's an absolutely lovely condo for sale but the owner never lists it for sale, never schedules showings and never advertises it with an agency, how likely are they to sell the condo?

[Alex39]

On 1/31/2023 at 6:37 AM, Batya33 said:

I would add that for sure -know what you want -know what's on your musts list, know what qualities you want in a future mate - do not waste time hemming and hawing in a situation where you'd be settling or you're not feeling it.   But also be open to reevaluating -not at all so you settle -do not settle -but whether you sort of habitually have something on your list as a must but you realize -no - it was really important 5-10 years ago but now it is not and in fact Y is much more important. 

And if you meet someone who genuinely sparks you - not just because he is hot  -but he's not at all your typical type - spend some time exploring -some - unless he has one of the absolute dealbreakers he cannot control -like -he's a single dad and you strongly prefer not to date a single dad or he never wants kids.  

Sometimes we surprise ourselves and it catches us with that spark -again not just based on the piercing blue or brown eyes or whatever - but an a ha moment.  

I think I know what I want. 

I want a man who is responsible,  stable, fun, not a huge drinker, not a smoker, no Marijuana. I'd be okay with a single dad as long as he doesn't have turmoil with the kids mother. I'd prefer a guy with no kids though. Someone who wants to get married in the next 5 years. Someone who wants to travel and values close family ties. A guy who is handy wouldn't hurt either. Someone who can have intelligent conversations as well as joke around. Someone who wants children but not for like 5 to 8 years. A guy who listens, and can handle tough conversations. Who is savvy with money. Someone mature and committed. Someone who prioritizes me, our relationship,  and his family and friends. Someone who values working hard and being independent. I could go on and on. 

[Alex39]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If there's an absolutely lovely condo for sale but the owner never lists it for sale, never schedules showings and never advertises it with an agency, how likely are they to sell the condo?

So very true. I need to put myself out there. 

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

So very true. I need to put myself out there. 

You can be the loveliest and most charming woman in your area but if no one ever meets you how are they supposed to want to date and have a relationship with you? You definitely are not going to meet a wonderful man whilst sitting on your couch with your cat or baking in your kitchen by yourself.

There are so many places to meet men but if you reject each and every one of them you will end up exactly where you are now. I mean, women's groups are great but what is the likelihood that any of those women will know eligible men who are right for you? You maybe might find one or two, but that's certainly not very good odds. 

I often fantasize about what I'd do with the money if I won the Mega Millions but I never buy any tickets. Do you think I'm going to win? 

You increase your odds by playing. Even if you don't like sports or cars you can still enjoy the social aspects. Go to a car show with a married friend and her husband. The husband can chat with the guys who own the cars and the single ones will see you and ask "Who's the pretty lady over there? Is that your wife?" And he'll say, "That's my wife's friend Alex, want to meet her?" And before you laugh or scoff and say that's unlikely I had that EXACT scenario happen at a car show. I've also been chatted up at bars while watching sports. Yes, I went alone. I had so much fun and met so many people. 

It's up to you. Reject all suggestions and keep things the way they are now or try something new. 

[Coily]

13 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I think I know what I want. 

I want a man who is responsible,  stable, fun, not a huge drinker, not a smoker, no Marijuana. I'd be okay with a single dad as long as he doesn't have turmoil with the kids mother. I'd prefer a guy with no kids though. Someone who wants to get married in the next 5 years. Someone who wants to travel and values close family ties. A guy who is handy wouldn't hurt either. Someone who can have intelligent conversations as well as joke around. Someone who wants children but not for like 5 to 8 years. A guy who listens, and can handle tough conversations. Who is savvy with money. Someone mature and committed. Someone who prioritizes me, our relationship,  and his family and friends. Someone who values working hard and being independent. I could go on and on. 

Well hello there. (kidding, kidding)

Being single is tough these days, no getting round it. There's no magic formula or quick fix. There is also nothing wrong with really wanting a relationship. Too many think of a relationship as validating, but I am not reading that from you OP. What I am reading is that you are ready for another step in life, one that you can't accomplish through professionalism, guile, cleverness, etc etc.

I'll be blunt, as a man in his late 30s; unless you are an executive of a mutli-million dollar company; your career means very little to most men (unless they're leeches). It's more about your personality, are you a nurturer, do you have the qualities of a wife? Yes looks are important, but they aren't the end all be all.

As a man what do I pick up on with a woman:

• How she carries herself.
• How she dresses (for me all yoga pants all the time are a turn off)
• Is she career obsessed
• How is she with her friends
• in her dating profile is it all travel, or all family, etc
• How she communicates
• Is she over committed time wise

Maybe this helps? Don't know. But some insight to the male mind in the dating pool.