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Panicking that I haven't found the one


Alex39

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I'm now 31, and every day since turning this age I'm panicked because I haven't met a good guy. I'm getting so old. I want to have kids. And now I'm so scared. 

I'm 31, by the time I get out there and date, it could be two years before I meet Mr.Right, then date for a few years, then marriage. I'll be 36 or older.  I am so afraid I'm running out of time to get married and have kids. 

All my friends are married, some with kids, some pregnant now, some planning on kids in a year or so, because they have a spouse. 

I can't plan a thing. I don't even have a boyfriend. I hate myself and don't think a guy will like me, so I don't date. 

I tried dating a bit early last year. Went on a few dates, but they all ghosted me after. I dressed my best, thought I had a great personality. I was cute, funny, conversational, but they never spoke to me or asked for additional dates, so I grew frustrated and gave up. Deep down though, did I think I met Mr. Right? No! But I guess I just don't want to jump online again to face first date after first date, rejection after rejection. It's frustrating. 

I want to get married and have kids. I just didn't want to have to do it near 40, because of how risky it can be, or worse, I can't get pregnant.  

I feel like I'm running out if time. 

I don't know what to do. I know I'm not in perfect shape, but I dress well, I have confidence, I'm classy and put together. Not a mess with no job. I even own my own place. I have a very caring, intelligent,  and fun personality. I'm Curvy, but very pretty. I've always been told how pretty I am and I see it too. I could lose a few pounds though. 

I haven't been intimate with anyone in 3 years. I swore I would wait now for the right guy. I want to do things right and have something long term, committed, etc. 

I haven't been in a relationship past a few months. I feel so frustrated. Feel like no guy is going to like me or accept me, because so far no guy has, so I feel so frustrated and alone. I have great goals and see a good life ahead. I just don't know how to get there. 

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5 minutes ago, Cynder said:

"The one" doesn't exist.  Let go of that idea. 

I'm not looking for the one. Just a good one.  I'm looking for a guy that has a lot of qualities I'm looking for and we are in the same stage in life and want similar things in the future. Someone who wants something longterm and we can be best friends and lovers. 

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13 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

My grandmother didn’t marry my grandpa until she was 38 and had my mom when she was 40 and my uncle when she was 42. 
 

You have time . 

My friend had a baby at 36 and almost bled out and died during labor because she was high risk at her age. And what if I struggle at 40 to conceive at that age? I'd be so sad. 

And my friends are all having kids now. I always thought it'd be fun to have kids together to play and be at the same stage. Their kids will be 10 or 11 when I have babies. 

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But ... I mean, I understand you are venting your emotions, but of course you haven't found THE ONE or whatever you want to call it.  You aren't dating.  

There are no guarantees but it's extremely unlikely that you will ultimately be married with a family if you're not willing to put yourself out there and date.   

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3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I hate myself and don't think a guy will like me, so I don't date. 

How do you expect to get the future you want, then?

Nobody but you can address the underlying self-loathing. Until you really dig deep there and with the help of a therapist, you won't get out of this cycle. 

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Chances are that you wont date somebody 5 years into your 30s. Because you would want to start a family so if you see that its going in right direction you would just go to next step. So it would probably be 1 or 2 years before marriage and kids.

Also yes you dont date and you dont try to date. So any chance of meeting potential "Mr Right" is, sorry to say, 0%. If you want to meet somebody then you need to change this first

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I hate myself and don't think a guy will like me, so I don't date. 

Its pointless to wallow about how you havent found somebody when you dont adress the route of the issue and worked on it. I cant remember if you are on therapy, but therapy is recommended for that type of issues. And then you need to work on actually meeting somebody which is a separate issue. 

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4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I tried dating a bit early last year. Went on a few dates, but they all ghosted me after.

OP,  I may be clutching at straws here, but one thing that comes through very strongly in your post is a vibe of desperation.  Could it be that your dates can "feel" your desperation and get put off?  I could be wrong of course, but just something to think about.  I think there's a vibe of trying too hard and scaring people off.

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7 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I can't plan a thing. I don't even have a boyfriend. I hate myself and don't think a guy will like me, so I don't date. 

Unfortunately self loathing can feed on itself until you are ready willing and able to see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

Your criteria and desires for a partner are normal and fine. That's not the issue. The issue is feeling bad about yourself and not getting the help you need.

If you are still going to that therapist who told you to "get hobbies and go to church" as a solution to your loneliness and distress, consider finding someone more qualified and effective in helping you achieve your well-being goals.

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6 hours ago, Alex39 said:

My friend had a baby at 36 and almost bled out and died during labor because she was high risk at her age. And what if I struggle at 40 to conceive at that age? I'd be so sad. 

And my friends are all having kids now. I always thought it'd be fun to have kids together to play and be at the same stage. Their kids will be 10 or 11 when I have babies. 

I almost bled out at 30. That is not age determined but issue determined. 

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When I was 32 I wanted to freeze my eggs -I was panicking too.  It wasn't viable then -you could freeze an embryo but not an egg and I didn't want to do some sort of sperm donor/embryo thing even if I'd been told that was an option.  But you can -you can freeze your eggs now.  It's a great age to do it and it's expensive for sure but I wish I'd had that option when I felt so anxious and panicky! 

Here's my blunt advice having gone through what you went through -I finally met my one when I turned 39.  Married and became a mom at age 42.  We're in our mid 50s now.

One - I was darn lucky to get pregnant naturally at age 41, almost 42.  We tried on and off  for 15 months.  Off was because (1) the timing has to be right -you know ovulation and all that -so because we were long distance for 11-12 of those months, even though we saw each other every 2 weeks or so didn't mean it was the right time for conception (but we had loads of fun trying!). 

Right around the time we conceived I was starting to suggest interventions -fertility treatments etc.  But we were -again -darn lucky- that we didn't have to.  

Two -my one and only pregnancy ever was basically uneventful.  I had some anemia at one point but I mostly felt really good and gave birth a week before the due date and needed a last minute emergency C that I don't think was age-related. 

But - again blunt -wow was it extra stressful to be pregnant at that age especially since we declined any invasive testing (now the blood tests are even more sensitive than in 2008 as far as detecting potential birth defects). No amnio/no CVS -we didn't want to take the risk of miscarriage. 

I found it very stressful particularly since a couple of my friends around my age also were pregnant at the same time (no not "everyone" becomes a parent in their 20s and 30s) and were getting the amnio etc and it made my decision even harder.  It was emotionally stressful to be pregnant then especially since my future husband and I were still long distance. 

I also was constantly looking for "issues" - my doctor said at one point "why are you asking me about placenta previa??" and I said because my pregnancy book says this is the risk at this stage and I'm older".  So if you can get out there and find your person and try to conceive earlier than I did -so much the better.

Three - I don't care how lovely you look in clothing as far as dating goes.  I know men who like women who are overweight and/or don't care.  When I was dating they cared.  When I was dating I had several men tell me how disappointed they would be on a first meet when a woman lied about her weight in an obvious way.  Both the lie and the level of attraction. 

Skinny - no -not necessary for most men.  Slim and fit and energetic for most men in their 20s-40s -I'd say yes (this is just my personal opinion). Sure the men who are more focused on arm candy might like that in clothes/spanx whatever you wear that's flattering you don't look overweight.  But most men I know care about out of clothing not in clothing. 

And again -I'm not talking skinny -I firmly believe that not everyone can be thin/skinny or wants to be or should be.  Some women are naturally more curvy/hold on to weight in different places or work out a lot and look fit but not thin.  Totally fine. 

Fit and slim is great for dating - and I'll say also that sure some women (not me, not my mom, not my sister -we're genetically fortunate) put on a couple of pounds that won't come off after childbirth or because of age - but it's not ok to balloon up post-wedding.  I'm not fat shaming you. If  you insist on camouflaging with clothing and only want to date men who are attracted to/good with overweight women you do you - I support that - but it will decrease your dating pool a lot IMO.  But if your values tell you that it's repulsive for a man to find overweight a dealbreaker as far as attraction and or for health reasons (even though of course there are many overweight people who are perfectly healthy -I know there's a stereotype otherwise) -then you do you -stay your size and/or larger and find a man who loves your body and loves you.

But IMHO if  you want to date with serious potential -and you're not wedded to being overweight and accepted fully as overweight - so increase your dating pool by committing to be a weight that looks fit and slim and doesn't need to be hidden under clothing.  Flattering clothing on a fit body of course is good!!

I personally suggest Weight Watchers because over the past 40 years or so I've seen many of my friends do WW with the best results of any other actual diet.  The best is really no diet - changing your lifestyle and eating habits for good -for forever - I've had to do that for other reasons - but if you're going to diet that is what I as a layperson suggest.  It makes sense, it's reasonable, it's a helpful community and it's able to be adapted as a lifestyle. I've never done it, have  zero affiliation with it.  

Like everyone else said you gotta be in it to win it. 

And in it with positive energy as much as possible, positive vibes, no smelly desperation, no inordinate focus on interior decorating, showing off your lovely home (yes to financial independence -no, don't bore people with how awesome your cooking is and how hard you've worked to make your home all nice and pretty - be a package deal of a reasonably confident woman who is a home owner with a nice living space and yummy odors from your baking and cooking -

Show don't tell - invite them over and say nothing -let the man react to your lovely home/cooking skills as he sees fit- the men who are as focused on your interior decorating skills as you are may not actually be a good match romantically and/or might be more focused on moving on in and benefiting from not having to pay rent),  bridal shower decorating, wedding reception planning - in it with your heart and soul and blood and sweat and tears (private tears/venting when you brush it off and get back out there). 

And with that -bluntly -no guarantees at all.  You also need a dose of luck and  timing IMO.  But at your age especially stop the whole "when you least expect it" garbage or that you can let down your hair out the window like Rapunzel and your Prince will rescue you.  

Some of this is in your control, some is not.  Comparing yourself to "all" your friends is just silly - you feel what you feel choose a different reaction -and it tells me you may need to take the drastic measure of relocating to a large city teeming with singles.  I wrote to you that I lived 9 miles from a major city at age 28 and I moved to an expensive high rent apartment right in the middle of all the action and I can tell you most of the women in their early 30s were not married moms and they were awesome catches like you.

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Just now, Seraphim said:

I will say too I got pregnant naturally at 40 and 45, but it didn’t work out due to my particular condition. So women do get pregnant later as well. 

I'm so sorry for your losses. We stopped trying after number one because I had a scary post-pregnancy medical condition where getting pregnant again would have been too risky for us to want to handle.  

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I remember when you posted under your other user name.  You would get "very excited" (your words) whenever you got a match on Bumble.  You envisioned every match as your potential husband.  You were also pressuring yourself because allegedly all your friends were married or in relationships.  Putting that kind of pressure on yourself is counterproductive, as you've found.  Nothing kills enthusiasm like pressure and desperation.  And now you don't want to date.  You said you go home and sit on your couch with your cat every evening.  How are you supposed to find a good man that way?

Think about the things you don't like about yourself.  Then decide if any of those things can be changed.  For example, you say you're overweight but say you're curvy and pretty.  If you like the way you are physically then no need to change.  But if you feel your weight is holding you back you can change your eating and exercise habits.  Don't bake sugary, fattening goodies and then eat them.  Bake but give the treats away or bake healthier treats.  Find a way to exercise that involves being around others.  Did you follow through with going to the gym like you said you would in your previous thread about hobbies? 

And stop being so nitpicky about hobbies.  You don't need to swoon with excitement over activities.  Choose activities that will get you around people and has a healthy mix of men and women, such as a hiking group or a cross fit exercise class. One thing I did when I was younger is go to bars and watch sports.  You don't need to like sports to go to those places.  I would go there and order one drink and an app and every single time I talked to men.  They thought it was awesome that a single lady was there watching football.  It was a lot of fun.

Now, do me a favor and don't come back shooting down everyone's suggestions lol.  Because that will make us think you don't really want to change!  

As my signature line says, if you change nothing, nothing changes.

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Also how long have most of your friends been married and how do you know that they all found "the one" as opposed to settling or having different standards than you as far as under what circumstances they'd get married? How many focused more on the parties than the marriage?

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23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Also how long have most of your friends been married and how do you know that they all found "the one" as opposed to settling or having different standards than you as far as under what circumstances they'd get married? How many focused more on the parties than 

My one friend has been married for 4 years. She got married after 6 months. I think they are a great couple, but at the time we all thought she was crazy for getting married so quickly. 

My other friends have all been married for about two years. 4 of the 5 of them either just had babies or are pregnant now. 

Most of them dated 2 to 5 years before getting married. 

I will say. I do have much higher standards. Not with money, I dont care what you make, but I like stability, responsibility,  and motivation. You can't raise children without a decent income, stability, and responsibility. 

My one friend married a guy who is 32 and he can't hold down a job at all, he has a severe Marijuana problem, and he has severe mental illness. She's been working 3 jobs and he works none. 

My other friends husband only works 8 months out of the year, then makes no money so they struggle constantly. I told her once how he should get a part time job for the other 4 months. He won't and she says he sits and plays video games for the 3 to 4 months. 

My other friend, while they were dating, he lied to her repeatedly, and stopped paying their bills. All their utilities got shut off. He constantly lies and then he butters her up after to get her to stay. 

My other friend married a divorcee with children. They are always in court fighting with the children's mother and he has my friend to try to hide money so he doesn't have to pay child support. 

I'm the only single one. But I cant say my friends married great men.

My one friend who married after 6 months. Her guy is responsible,  hard worker, and stable. She picked a good one. 

 

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4 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

My one friend has been married for 4 years. She got married after 6 months. I think they are a great couple, but at the time we all thought she was crazy for getting married so quickly. 

My other friends have all been married for about two years. 4 of the 5 of them either just had babies or are pregnant now. 

Most of them dated 2 to 5 years before getting married. 

I'm the only single one. 

 

That's partly because of where you choose to live.  Where I lived most of my friends in my 30s were single -I mean we were in relationships at times -I was too -and I was therefore exclusive/not looking to date but we weren't engaged or married and we were all great catches it's just that we hadn't met the right men and chose to live in the city where all the dating action was.  Although I ended up in an LDR when my husband and I first dated at your age we lived ten blocks away in the city, we were walking distance from work, and therefore even though we worked crazy hours we could see each other all the time.  When I was not dating people I was surrounded by single men and women my age and also knew married people.  

I have several friends who married in their 20s and 30s, some are really happy, some are divorced, some are miserable.  Two of the divorced couples  - one married 20 years, one seven (cheating in that marriage) - both head over heels when they met and dated and married.  One other head over heels during dating and marriage (married in her 20s) married 30 years miserable for many years.  My friend's daughter married in 2013 in her 20s, head over heels divorced a few years later -she's your age and has had relationships, no remarriage, not sure she wishes to.

You love owning and decorating a home in an area where there are a lot of families. This makes it harder because the single men who live in cities often don't really want to have to commute to a suburban area to date when there are so many professional single women right in their city too.  That's how it was when I dated in my 20s and 30s.

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I met my husband when I was 22 and he was 20. We married when I was 27 and he was 24.( we were unusual )I had our son when I was 30 and he was 27. We struggled A LOT in the beginning for various and varied reasons . We made it through by putting our heads down and pushing ahead. Now we have been married 29 years this April and our son is 25 and we have been secure for a long time .
 

Go out with and marry someone who shares your goals and values. It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety and are spinning your wheels. 

 

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You just typed out a list of ALL your friends' crappy marriages / husbands.

This is something you tend to do a lot.   You are putting up roadblocks for yourself right now.   

Anyway - you have some issues to address, which have come up in various threads of yours.   PLEASE stop making excuses and deflecting things off onto other people and their problems / flaws.  We understand what you want to do:  You want to find a life partner and get going with that part of your life.   Most of us have been, or are there ourselves.  We truly do understand.  But you will need to make some changes in yourself in order to be ready for this.   Therapy and HONESTY from you, and a true willingness to stop arguing and accept that other people (not all of them) know things that you don't know and which can benefit you are REQUIRED.  And the time is NOW.

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1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

You just typed out a list of ALL your friends' crappy marriages / husbands.

This is something you tend to do a lot.   You are putting up roadblocks for yourself right now.   

Anyway - you have some issues to address, which have come up in various threads of yours.   PLEASE stop making excuses and deflecting things off onto other people and their problems / flaws.  We understand what you want to do:  You want to find a life partner and get going with that part of your life.   Most of us have been, or are there ourselves.  We truly do understand.  But you will need to make some changes in yourself in order to be ready for this.   Therapy and HONESTY from you, and a true willingness to stop arguing and accept that other people (not all of them) know things that you don't know and which can benefit you are REQUIRED.  And the time is NOW.

I was asked about my friends, so I shared the truth. And I'm not perfect. I've dated guys just like their husband's and it always ended after a few months and I just kept getting frustrated. But deep down I knew none of them were right for me. 

Eventually I just gave up. I needed a dating break, then covid hit. And now it's been years. I went on a few online dating dates last year and a couple went well and some didn't, but never heard from the guys again for a follow up. But again, I don't think any of them were right for me. I wasn't wowed by them and wasn't hurt that we didn't go out again. 

But I just feel like it's hopeless. Like I don't click with any guys. I hate going on date after date, tons of times. 

I don't meet men at work, I work with all older people. It's tough. Years ago, I met a guy at my old work place that I really clicked with. We liked each other a lot. It was easy and natural to be around each other. It was like being best friends but also the physical attraction was there too. We kissed once- outside of work. Unfortunately,  he didn't want to start a relationship because he was moving in a year. He did move away as he said. 

I want to meet a guy that I click with like that again, but someone that also wants to be in a relationship long term. 

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Alex, you are really, really good at ignoring posts that give you suggestions on things you can do or change and really, really good at fixating on what your friends, family members and coworkers are doing. None of what others are doing has any relevance to your situation.

Do you want to meet a good man and have a relationship? Or not?

There's a saying, if it's important you'll find a way and if it's not you'll find an excuse. Half-heartedly going on a few dates and giving up is not effort.

Ask anyone on this forum. I bet many of them had to date dozens of clunkers before they met their partners. 

How exactly do you plan to meet men? Since you dislike all suggestions you've been given, what is your suggestion for yourself?

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