nublu2

There is nothing desperate about this at all. In fact, for many of us it would be a relief! Sure, some men may not appreciate an assertive woman with an opinion - but is that somebody that you want to be with? Do you want to have to hold your thoughts/wants back? Doesn't seem like it would even be worth considering a relationship if you can't freely express yourself. But I can tell you, that for myself and any other guys I know, it would truly be refreshing and appreciated if a woman just expressed her feelings and asked me out, and said what she wanted. The games and hoping somebody will accurately read your mind isn't worth it. There is always compromise, of course. Maybe you know the best pizza place but he doesn't like pizza - so together you both decide on a place for a burger instead. That's fine and you know you both have interest in doing it. Good luck!

I'm not sure what you mean. I was just indicating that men are rather simple creatures (I am one, I can admit), but very often we are focused on the primal urge and that can shade other more relevant factors. Such a missing out on a perfect woman, just because she doesn't fit our vision of "the perfect woman".

Totally agree the intimidated would not be a good match - for any woman really. But I'm not sure that a woman should ever 'hide' her professional side or intellect. It seems like those could actually be quite helpful indicators of compatibility or the need to move on. Men are 90% hormones at the worst of times. A young guy in any sort of social situation is 110% hormones. That attitude is tough to get past with any sort of logic whatsoever. But there is no need to stoop down to that level when there are others out there more compatible. We are a simple breed. But we get smarter... Some of us anyway.

The only good advice I can give is to keep being you and doing you. Whatever your issue is and no matter how frustrating it is, it is unlikely that you have down anything 'wrong'. Don't feel the need to change. I think especially in your 20s a lot of people have an unrealistic and superficial vision of the mate they are looking for. I mean, who doesn't want a rich, sex-fiend, supermodel that everybody else wants? But as people get older that changes. The girls that were funny, easy to get along with and seemingly average looking are suddenly so much more attractive, in all aspects. I think it can be a maturity issue but also for young men - even in today's more equal opportunity world - there are big expectations for them... And they can also be threatened by a woman that may be smarter or more successful than them. So again, don't change, just wait for the right guy that appreciates "you". Good luck!

Fantastic post - this is what you need to focus on! The 'right man' is right for you now, not who you can pretend to be or work to be over time. Just be you. But do it and everything else with confidence. Not self-doubt. It sounds like you have a lot going for you, focus on that. And somebody will eventually see that too. Good luck!

I'm sorry to hear of your situation but I can relate. I suggest you read up on asexuality and see if anything resonates. I have found some very helpful information here: https://www.asexuality.org/ Good luck.

This I can relate to, however I am in a long term relationship. My wife thinks it is normal not to have sex or a physically intimate relationship - I don't. We struggle and disagree and it feels to me like we are at a breaking point. But I really think she is happy with the relationship as it is. She just doesn't need the sex, intimacy or romance. All else is good for her. It sounds like you could be in a similar situation. To her, there is nothing wrong, so she doesn't feel the need to fix anything. If this is the case, you might want to look into asexuality and aromantic traits and see if any apply.

I can imagine the mechanics of the break, the move out, the separation of funds, etc is a whole other challenge. And honestly, one of the things that is holding me back from having the conversation with her now. As I indicated before, the relationship is otherwise relatively normal, so our platonic living together and sleeping in the same sexless bed may just have to do for the time being.

I do think that it is only fair to have the conversation with her before getting to that point. And we certainly do need to have a conversation of some sort at some point to better understand the situation and what our options are anyway. I am just concerned that starting the conversation could just be the beginning of the end. And whether that actually happens at some point in time is one thing, but it certainly would cause a massive amount of other challenges if it happened right now that I am not ready for.

I am not even to this point yet of making any firm decision. I agree with you, much discussion needs to happen that has not yet before we even get to that point. My issue is that I have expressed my feelings and nothing has changed. So now I have to consider whether I really need more out of a relationship or not. I have really felt lately that I do need more. But if she truly is asexual, then she can't provide that. I understand that. So where does that leave us. Two hurt people who actually do care about each other - but can't love each other they way they need it. That is sad. And that will ultimately tear the relationship apart on its own. So, back to my original point, do I just put up with life as it is and accept that I won't have the relationship I crave? Also, understand that there have been no threats or ultimatums or anything like that. I am just trying to understand more and it has been helpful to get perspectives from others that have been in similar situations.

I'm sorry to hear that, but as difficult as I am sure it was, it sounds like you made the right decision for you. That is good. I hope you have been able to find somebody that truly cares for you and are with them now!

I think you misunderstand - I absolutely have done romantic things. The problem is that she does not respond to that. And she is not physically intimate and doesn't have the interest to be. Hence the belief she is aromantic and asexual. No amount of anything romantic or sexual will rekindle the relationship as she is just not interested in that. So there is the problem, can a sexual really have a fulfilling relationship with an asexual? I am starting to realize the answer is no.

Your thoughts have been helpful, thanks for sharing. To assure you, I am not here looking for anybody to make the decision for me, but rather, I've been weighing my situation against the thoughts and experiences of others. And it has been helpful. It really is so complicated. That is the main problem. I mean, it is generally a normal relationship and household otherwise. I get it - the kids can sense when something is off so I am concerned of that too. But I think mostly it is an issue of what I am looking for. And with things being good otherwise, then maybe I am asking too much?

Yes, I have told her the way I feel and expressed that it feels like she doesn't love me anymore. Unfortunately she kind of shrugged it off and said of course she did, but the conversation didn't really go anywhere. In truth, as I think about it now, I do believe she loves me... But the problem is that it is love in a different way. I truly want a romantic and intimate relationship and I think that is the problem, she sees love in another way all together. It is not that we don't care about each other, it is just incompatibility. But even with that understanding, it doesn't make it any easier.

I will say that I truly believe I have tried everything and I really wanted to make things better. However, after recently learning about asexuality, I think I have pretty much lost all hope of fixing it. I am just trying to understand the situation better now, but I do largely feel emotionally checked out.

Yes. Very helpful, thank you. It all seems sadly very familiar. Including the conclusion. Thanks.

At one time we had a regular sex life. Having said that, when I think back, did she initiate sex? No, not really. Did she do sexy things - anything from lingerie to sexy talk? Again no. So while it happened, it just kind of happened. There wasn't much love or romance to it. I think now she probably just did it because she felt she was supposed to do it. But likely wasn't really that much into it.

This is very helpful, thank you. And I am glad to see things are better for you now. I guess the question in our situation is whether there are issues we need to work out, in which there may be a chance to work it out. Or whether she is actually asexual in which case there is no hope. I have been trying all of the above for so long now, with no reaction, so I strongly suspect it isn't that.

No, I don't think either of us changed necessarily. Looking back I realize now that she was never that romantic or intimate - but I think I made up enough for both of us! But when you don't have those aspect to the relationship and then the physical sexual aspect disappears too, then you realize quick that you are just friends, not lovers. It appears that there are some people that just don't need or want the sexual or romantic parts of a relationship. I think she's that way and just finally came to realize it. It wasn't so bad before because she would engage, but doing so reluctantly and not being interested in it does nothing for either partner.

Thanks for the perspective, I appreciate it. This is helpful.

This is largely what I have been thinking for quite some time now. I was curious if there were others that thought the same. Thanks, I appreciate the feedback.

This is spot on! You have nailed it. But it is the complicating factors, mainly kids, that makes the move-on option so difficult.

Thanks. We are in our 40s and have kids together. That for me is the complicating factor. Other than my needs, the relationship and family is relatively normal so that's one of the things I am struggling with. It feels a little selfish that I would risk all of that... but I also am in a relationship where I feel completely alone. As I indicated in another response, I think she may be asexual and I hadn't even heard of that before. We had somewhat of a sex/intimate life prior to kids. Then the natural drop off with young kids and then there was always something else that prevented it from happening. I wanted and was truly trying to fix it before. In fact that was my concern is that it was only me seeing the problem and trying to fix it. But understanding sexuality means there is no fixing it... so it is either put up with it or leave. Neither is a very good or easy situation.

I'm not even interested in cheating because I want - or rather, feel that I need, more than just a fling. I think the only way it works for me is to end the relationship and find somebody with some common interests and needs. But current circumstances make that very difficult.

Yes, I think this is the point that I am at - reevaluating the entire relationship. But it is not easy and there are complicating factors like kids and finances. This is why I am struggling most. I wonder, is it best to just carry on as is and me be the miserable one? Is it selfish of me to want more and break up a family for that? And then everybody is miserable.