Boyfriend gets mad/distant when I talk about my feelings

[imnotokay]

Me [32], boyfriend [34] have been dating for around 8 months. We have a lot of fun together and are always laughing/joking around. 

When things become more serious or involve expressing feelings or emotions - he distances himself and spends time at his own place.

Recently we talked about the future and having a family one day [we've talked about it before] and the conversation wasn't a bad one, we didn't fight or anything along those lines we simply talked about our timeline and when we see ourselves having kids [because we both want to be parents one day]. The next day he becomes distant and tells me that "you're special to me but I think when you're on your period I need to avoid you because you like to stir the pot". In my mind stirring the pot means that I'm causing a fight. It almost feels like any conversation that gets more serious he doesn't want to deal with. When we're having fun and relaxing and enjoying our time together he is over at my place everyday - when things aren't all sunshine and rainbows he goes to his place and distances himself.

After a few days of not seeing him I asked him when I could see him again. And we were both busy but he said that we will see each other when we're both free. Thats fair and I'm totally okay with that. But I just mentioned to him that I felt it was weird that we weren't seeing each other when he usually is always over - he assures me that things are fine and that he's busy which is fair because we're still talking. I made a comment that I feel like we're taking a step back - he then tells me that "you're pestering me, I'm watching sports and I told you what I was doing, you're not hearing me". It is very common for him to not acknowledge my texts expressing my feelings - he is dismissive and won't directly respond to my feelings/concerns. 

So now I back into a corner and feel like I can't talk to him about my feelings or its an inconvenience to him and he can't be bothered if I have a concern. And also tells me that I keep asking him the same questions when I'm not, I was just stating how I felt and trust me when I say this, I'm not looking for a fight I just want to be heard and want my feelings to be acknowledged. If I tell him that, he will say "I'm just watching hockey having fun" and doesn't acknowledge my concerns at all.

What do I do? I really care about this guy. Is there something I could do better with? We never fight and we never talk about anything serious because things end up just like this. Whenever we're in a good place I feel like we take 3 steps backwards and never progress forward. HELP

[spinstermanquee]

Hey imnotokay,

He seems like he does not value your needs/wishes/desires/affection for him.  Also maybe a little controlling? And that period comment is kind of misogynistic?  Sounds like he isn't end game for you... sorry you are in this situation ((((( hugs )))))

[boltnrun]

I think when you posted this before people advised you to leave the relationship. This guy obviously doesn't care if he hurts you. In fact he seems to enjoy it.

Do you want the rest of your life to be like this? "But I love him!!" doesn't make the issues go away. You need to decide how you want to spend the next 40 or so years. 

[Batya33]

My sense is it's not about talking about feelings -for example if  you said "I was so happy when you walked in with my favorite ice cream!" or "I felt so frustrated at work today -is now a good time to talk about it?" he'd be happy to talk about your feelings.  It sounds like he doesn't want to talk about The Relationship or The Future or Our Future Children as much as you do.  Or your feelings about it. Or have a Talk about something that upsets you as much and as often as you do. Those "feelings".  

Also why are you texting expressions of your feelings -unless it's "I loved the movie we saw last night -remember that scene..." - why not express feelings in person or at least on the phone? 

It sounds like you didn't argue about your future plans but it was too full on and emotional for him at that point - it's great he sees himself being a parent but has he said he wants to start a family with you in the future?

I'm simply suggesting that this is likely not about "talking about feelings" but more about timing/how often/what kinds of feelings.

I see what Bolt wrote.  I do not know the back story so I was just responding to what you wrote above.

[Kwothe28]

I mean, he could just be a jerk. But, I think its maybe avoidant attachment style. Particulary dismissive avoidant

Quote

People with a dismissive style of avoidant attachment tend to agree with these statements: “I am comfortable without close emotional relationships”, “It is important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient”, and “I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.” People with this attachment style desire a high level of independence. The desire for independence often appears as an attempt to avoid attachment altogether. They view themselves as self-sufficient and invulnerable to feelings associated with being closely attached to others. They often deny needing close relationships. Some may even view close relationships as relatively unimportant. Not surprisingly, they seek less intimacy with attachments, whom they often view less positively than they view themselves. Investigators commonly note the defensive character of this attachment style. People with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to suppress and hide their feelings, and they tend to deal with rejection by distancing themselves from the sources of rejection (e.g. their attachments or relationships).

It kinda fits perfectly with what you said.

And I am sorry, but that man is not a relationship material. People with attachment issues require therapy. You are not his therapist and I dont think you can force him to do one. So your best bet is to protect yourself. Meaning to leave and find somebody else who wouldnt distance himself when you talk about future. As that means he is not ready to anything you envisioned for yourself that would include him.

[SooSad33]

52 minutes ago, imnotokay said:

After a few days of not seeing him I asked him when I could see him again. And we were both busy but he said that we will see each other when we're both free. Thats fair and I'm totally okay with that. But I just mentioned to him that I felt it was weird that we weren't seeing each other when he usually is always over - he assures me that things are fine and that he's busy which is fair because we're still talking. I made a comment that I feel like we're taking a step back - he then tells me that "you're pestering me, I'm watching sports and I told you what I was doing, you're not hearing me". It is very common for him to not acknowledge my texts expressing my feelings - he is dismissive and won't directly respond to my feelings/concerns. 

 

IMO, it sounds like you are in his face a little too much - Crowding him when he truly does NEED his space. ( Is like a guy being in his 'man cave'). They need that.  ( does not mean they're pulling away from you.. but you need to see this & respect it... or else). 

Also, guys are often challenged re: emotions (talk) so can feel awkward in that scenerio.  I suggest you be more respectful and it he says all is fine, leave it at that.

Do you have friends?  leave him be for a few days, with no expectations and have your own life outside this relationship. ( Maybe go vent on them and not him about your stuff - unless there is truly an issue re: your relationship).

 

[imnotokay]

52 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My sense is it's not about talking about feelings -for example if  you said "I was so happy when you walked in with my favorite ice cream!" or "I felt so frustrated at work today -is now a good time to talk about it?" he'd be happy to talk about your feelings.  It sounds like he doesn't want to talk about The Relationship or The Future or Our Future Children as much as you do.  Or your feelings about it. Or have a Talk about something that upsets you as much and as often as you do. Those "feelings".  

Also why are you texting expressions of your feelings -unless it's "I loved the movie we saw last night -remember that scene..." - why not express feelings in person or at least on the phone? 

It sounds like you didn't argue about your future plans but it was too full on and emotional for him at that point - it's great he sees himself being a parent but has he said he wants to start a family with you in the future?

I'm simply suggesting that this is likely not about "talking about feelings" but more about timing/how often/what kinds of feelings.

I see what Bolt wrote.  I do not know the back story so I was just responding to what you wrote above.

I do express appreciation and good feelings to him when he does good things for me and makes me feel good! He on the other hand does not. If I make him his favourite meal or pack his lunch for work etc, he doesn't really say thank you or I appreciate you. Very rarely does he do that. I've mentioned to him that my love language is hearing positive affirmations and I mentioned that its nice to hear that I'm appreciated once in a while. But it never happens. It happened a lot when we got together and then it fizzled out quick. Reasoning as to why I'm not talking with him in person is he is distancing himself - I'm not even here to pick a fight. I just simply wanted to let him know how this is making me feel and it goes unacknowledged. 

Thats a fair statement to say that it was too full on and emotional - I can get that way at times, but not necessarily with just this conversation but ANY conversation that isn't of convenience to him he dismisses. I'm not saying I'm perfect by all means but showing a bit of concern for how I'm feeling would be nice. I literally exchanged like 3 texts with my SO and basically said that I felt like we took a few steps back and he doesn't want to even acknowledge my statement and basically says I am pestering him, which I'm not I was simply just stating how I felt. Ive given him his space for the past 2 days and have been supportive of it - but I don't feel support back if that makes sense. Its like his feelings get acknowledge but mine just don't. 

And I do try to have good timing - but it never seems to be the right time to talk about anything other than enjoying video games and fun things. I actually don't even express myself 100% because I'm fearing exactly this and what happens so it feels like I shut down into my emotions and can't even say how I feel at all. Ive tried to talk to him about what I need to and he doesn't really seem to care and seems aloof and distant if I try to express myself or if I do have a concern. 

I know this post is about my feelings but believe it or not I don't actually ever express myself much to him because it always turns out this way so I try to keep it minimal. I don't want to feel afraid to speak my mind or come to my partner for support and that's exactly how I'm feeling right now.

[imnotokay]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

I mean, he could just be a jerk. But, I think its maybe avoidant attachment style. Particulary dismissive avoidant

It kinda fits perfectly with what you said.

And I am sorry, but that man is not a relationship material. People with attachment issues require therapy. You are not his therapist and I dont think you can force him to do one. So your best bet is to protect yourself. Meaning to leave and find somebody else who wouldnt distance himself when you talk about future. As that means he is not ready to anything you envisioned for yourself that would include him.

I have done some reading on attachment theory as well! And I feel like I am making excuses for the way he treats me because of his attachment style. But it has been like this basically from the get go and I've noticed all this - I called it off the first time after a few months and then he came back around and started to express himself and his feelings, buying me flowers etc. But that didn't last long before it started up again 😕

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, imnotokay said:

I have done some reading on attachment theory as well! And I feel like I am making excuses for the way he treats me because of his attachment style. But it has been like this basically from the get go and I've noticed all this - I called it off the first time after a few months and then he came back around and started to express himself and his feelings, buying me flowers etc. But that didn't last long before it started up again 😕

What kind of feelings do you want him to express that he is not expressing? This sounds like a general issue of he doesn't treat you with respect.  i mean sure make sure you are treating him with respect -if he is watching a sports game it's not a good time to make him have Deep Talks about your Feelings unless it's a crisis, an emergency.  It's not respecting his need for space.  And it's why I asked if your expression of feelings tends to be intense/negative/venting/complaining.

Of course no one gets a pass because of some trendy psychology label.  If he had a physical disability -yes he would get a pass as far as physical restrictions or -heaven forbid- if he was in pain. Or if he had a mental disability and his meds weren't working or weren't available etc. 

[imnotokay]

55 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

 

IMO, it sounds like you are in his face a little too much - Crowding him when he truly does NEED his space. ( Is like a guy being in his 'man cave'). They need that.  ( does not mean they're pulling away from you.. but you need to see this & respect it... or else). 

Also, guys are often challenged re: emotions (talk) so can feel awkward in that scenerio.  I suggest you be more respectful and it he says all is fine, leave it at that.

Do you have friends?  leave him be for a few days, with no expectations and have your own life outside this relationship. ( Maybe go vent on them and not him about your stuff - unless there is truly an issue re: your relationship).

 

Well I have given him space the last few days. Usually he spends quite a bit of time at my place so I just wanted to check in and see if everything was good on his end today. And I kinda just expressed myself that it feels like we took a few steps back and that's when I got basically lashed out at and he told me that I'm not hearing him and that I'm pestering him. Which wasn't my intention at all. I feel like I should be able to talk to my boyfriend and not be scared to say what's on my mind or if something is feeling off I should be able to voice that. But instead usually I don't say anything, I will just let it go. But if me and him can't have a simple conversation or if he can't hear me express myself when something is going on it makes me feel like I'm not being heard or cared about. He says he cares but yet he acts aloof. I do have Alot of friends that I've been spending time with these last few days. But I wasn't trying to vent to him today I was simply just trying to state how I felt, but I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.

[imnotokay]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What kind of feelings do you want him to express that he is not expressing? This sounds like a general issue of he doesn't treat you with respect.  i mean sure make sure you are treating him with respect -if he is watching a sports game it's not a good time to make him have Deep Talks about your Feelings unless it's a crisis, an emergency.  It's not respecting his need for space.  And it's why I asked if your expression of feelings tends to be intense/negative/venting/complaining.

Of course no one gets a pass because of some trendy psychology label.  If he had a physical disability -yes he would get a pass as far as physical restrictions or -heaven forbid- if he was in pain. Or if he had a mental disability and his meds weren't working or weren't available etc. 

Thats completely fair - but its never a good time for him. even if this sporting event wasn't in the picture, it still isn't a good time and he would basically say I'm pestering him regardless of what he was doing. He doesn't really tell me how he feels - I could count the times on my hands that he's ever told me I was beautiful. Its nice to hear these things sometimes. I'm not saying shower me with compliments but its nice to know I'm appreciated and its nice to know what I mean to someone. I don't even know what I mean to him because he never tells me. So I guess its not really about the expressions its about the general issue of respect. That made me think and that's a good way to put it. 

And yes I'm aware there's other ways to show you care - but he says that him spending time at my place should show me something of how he feels about me. 

If he came to me with an issue he'd have my undivided attention because I want to be there and support him. But its almost like that isn't reciprocated. 

[Batya33]

I just wanted you to get more specific.  You want him to express how he feels about you in positive ways.  (Listen to the song from Fiddler on the Roof Do you Love Me). I think he doesn't like feelings-focused conversations but if you were talking about let's say your favorite type of toaster pastry and the conversation then went to growing up and having them for breakfast and then went to feelings about ones parents back then etc -that would be an organic, natural way of opening up. 

My husband and I had a conversation the other night about Nancy Drew and then the tv series with Parker Stevenson (we're in our 50s) -and when we watched it at home growing up etc- when we talk about our pasts growing up we often express emotions about what that was like and I often tell him I miss his mom who died.  

I think that that kind of expression of emotion is not what you mean. You want him to express emotions about you - and you want him to react when you want to have a Deep Talk about The Relationship and perhaps Future Babies or Where The Wedding Will Be - you want him to react in an emotional way, and to want to know your innermost feelings and thoughts.  He wants you to assume all this stuff because of his actions in spending time with you.

  I mean I am Type A married to Type B and we've actually taken on some of the better traits of each, sometimes meeting in the middle -especially me -I mean type B is a good way to be in a stressful world! But you two aren't committed to meeting in the middle - so he gets annoyed and runs away the second he whiffs that you want to get all emotionally expressive, especially if it's that time of the month, right?  

I just don't see a lifetime of this especially if you're going to start a family.  i'm sorry. 

[imnotokay]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I just wanted you to get more specific.  You want him to express how he feels about you in positive ways.  (Listen to the song from Fiddler on the Roof Do you Love Me). I think he doesn't like feelings-focused conversations but if you were talking about let's say your favorite type of toaster pastry and the conversation then went to growing up and having them for breakfast and then went to feelings about ones parents back then etc -that would be an organic, natural way of opening up. 

My husband and I had a conversation the other night about Nancy Drew and then the tv series with Parker Stevenson (we're in our 50s) -and when we watched it at home growing up etc- when we talk about our pasts growing up we often express emotions about what that was like and I often tell him I miss his mom who died.  

I think that that kind of expression of emotion is not what you mean. You want him to express emotions about you - and you want him to react when you want to have a Deep Talk about The Relationship and perhaps Future Babies or Where The Wedding Will Be - you want him to react in an emotional way, and to want to know your innermost feelings and thoughts.  He wants you to assume all this stuff because of his actions in spending time with you.

  I mean I am Type A married to Type B and we've actually taken on some of the better traits of each, sometimes meeting in the middle -especially me -I mean type B is a good way to be in a stressful world! But you two aren't committed to meeting in the middle - so he gets annoyed and runs away the second he whiffs that you want to get all emotionally expressive, especially if it's that time of the month, right?  

I just don't see a lifetime of this especially if you're going to start a family.  i'm sorry. 

True, he's not very feelings focused conversation. When we talk about things about life then that's when he starts opening up more! I agree we're not meeting in the middle at all. But often we never meet anywhere lol. we're always on opposing sides. I can say I'm definitely more likely to move to his side of things than vice versa, which ends up with me apologizing and him not being apologetic to me if he says something hurtful. 

I have tried to talk to him about this issue a few months ago - being dismissive or not acknowledging feelings but it just went into the deep end and it ended up being a fight and it never really felt resolved. We've only had a few fights and they never feel like there's a conclusion to them. We both see things differently which is expected but he is unable to understand where I'm coming from in terms of how I feel about things. I do listen to him and I'm open and flexible to his view point and acknowledge his feelings because I actually really care about him. Its just tough to accept because he is someone I really enjoy and care about.

[Nebraskagirl14]

He sounds totally like a Dismissive Avoidant to me. Watch videos on them on YouTube. My girlfriend is a DA and it's been so challenging for me. It's also been blissful. It tends to be like other worldly amazing or the opposite. Like, when it's good, it's great and when it's bad, it's atrocious. We have recently been talking about taking our relationship to the next level and then I left her place and she withdrew. When I asked her about withdrawing, she got pissed off at me and said I was attacking her. Sound familiar? Look up DA's. The Personal Development School makes great YouTube videos about attachment theory.

[Tinydance]

Well sometimes people can also be incompatible and maybe that's just the problem here. It might not matter for example what music bands you like but it does matter that you need to have the same goals and values and you have good communication. Also even if you have different love languages but your partner needs to understand what your love language actually is.

If it's quite important for you to have deep and meaningful conversations, but it's not important to him, unfortunately it might not work. There are some people who don't need to talk about their feelings or deep things and they're perfectly happy with that.

I have a male friend who I dated back in 2015 but stayed good friends. I ended it with him because of exactly the same thing. I just didn't feel the emotional and romantic connection. The conversation with him is a bit generic because he's kind of quiet and just talks about everyday things and that's it. He actually used to send me a lot of messages describing in detail what he ate and drank for his meals loooll 

Also I think if you're genuinely trying to discuss something important with him and he just says: "You're pestering me, I'm watching sport", yes that's a jerk thing to say. If I was watching a movie and my partner wants to talk about something important, I wouldn't be like: "Go away, I'm watching a movie". You gotta remember that if you actually settle down with someone, the relationship wouldn't be all just fun and sunshine and roses. There would be bad times too. And if your partner would just go to another room and turn the sport channel on when things get tough, do you really need that?

Also this guy is 34. He says he wants kids but then you try to discuss the topic and he just distances himself. He says he wants to be a parent but if at 34 this topic makes him feel uncomfortable then how much does he really want that? Personally I would want to know that the person wanted kids within a reasonable time frame if they're in their 30's. Not like: "Yeah I want kids someday in the distant future but don't pester me with it because right now I just want to watch sport and have fun" lol

[Cherylyn]

i

3 hours ago, imnotokay said:

What do I do? I really care about this guy. Is there something I could do better with? We never fight and we never talk about anything serious because things end up just like this. Whenever we're in a good place I feel like we take 3 steps backwards and never progress forward. HELP

He sounds like a 'Good Time Charlie' and only in a good mood when conversations are light and polite.  Then the minute a conversation gets serious and deals with real life such as engaging in a dialogue regarding your future together, he prefers to remove himself from you.  Beware.  Either accept his personality the way he is or choose a man who knows how to communicate with you with emotional maturity and intelligence.   (Google 'emotional intelligence' aka empathy)

He's gaslighting you.  Gaslighting is deflecting, changing the subject and forcing you to believe there is something fundamentally wrong with YOU.  Gaslighting is psychological warfare and gaslighting is manipulating the conversation to his favor.  He's tricky.  Gaslighting example was when you told you that due to your period, you're stirring the pot.  You are correct.  He used the idiom incorrectly but he still gaslit you nonetheless by deflecting blame away from him onto you. 

I've known many people (my relatives, in fact) where you have to keep every conversation superficial otherwise here comes typical gaslighting yet again.  It gets old real fast.  I know the drill all too well, unfortunately.  You can't change gaslighters.  They're set in their ways.  They gaslight you because they're masters at gaslighting and it works for them.   They're hopeless causes. 

What can you do?  Nothing.  Gaslighters are set in their ways.  If you call them on it, they'll become defensive and accuse you of being a troublemaker.  Or, they'll accuse YOU of being mentally ill.  I no longer interact with gaslighters.  I cut them out of my life. 

You deserve to be treated with respect.  Your boyfriend habitually and chronically disrespects you.  He doesn't treat you with dignity, common decency and common courtesy.  He dismisses you as if you don't matter.  He couldn't care less about having a serious future with you. 

If he were my boyfriend, I'd find a replacement. 

 

[lostandhurt]

It sounds like some or a lot of these discussions may be happening through text. What percentage would you say happens in person vs text? 

 From what you described it sounds like he wants to be on the team only when they are winning but as soon as things get a little serious or tough he wants to head to the locker room until it is all rosy and fun again.  What kind of husband and father do you think he will be when the family hits a rough patch? Sick kids? Bills pilling up?

 You are not kids 32 and 34 and at 6 months you should be growing together not standing still so talking about these things is pretty normal because if you are not on the same page then it is time to end it and move on.

 From what he said about your period I get the feeling that if sex is not on the table he cannot be bothered.  Just the vibe I get...

 Lost

[Jaunty]

All I can say is, either the two of you are a severe mismatch, or the guy is pretty much a jerk.

I did have the same questions as @Batya33after reading your OP.  My first impression is that he does NOT want to talk about timelines for babies etc. with you.  That is something for you to pay close attention to.  It could very well mean that he does not see that kind of future with you and he feels pressured when you bring those topics up.  You said you'd talked about it before - you must know where he's at, and vice versa. So I can understand why he might be feeling something along the lines of "oh no not this again" if it comes up.  

So - is it true that you are not on the same page about having a future together?  

But then you go on to say that he is dismissive, doesn't care about your concerns, doesn't say "thank you" to you ever, treats you disrespectfully, never shows you any appreciation.  

So - you're not compatible AND he is a lousy jerk on top of it, it seems.

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, imnotokay said:

I have done some reading on attachment theory as well! And I feel like I am making excuses for the way he treats me because of his attachment style. But it has been like this basically from the get go and I've noticed all this - I called it off the first time after a few months and then he came back around and started to express himself and his feelings, buying me flowers etc. But that didn't last long before it started up again 😕

Well look, call it avoidant attachment or maybe he's just not as serious about you as you are about him. Would you say your relationship is serious overall? Like, do you call each other boyfriend and girlfriend and met each other's family and friends? I'm sorry to sound negative but if he said he wants kids but when you mention it, it makes him uncomfortable, maybe he's just not sure about kids with you? Unless you're talking about it constantly, I don't see why he just withdraws and you don't see him for a few days. 

[DarkCh0c0]

7 hours ago, imnotokay said:

The next day he becomes distant and tells me that "you're special to me but I think when you're on your period I need to avoid you because you like to stir the pot".

Excuse me?! I would have left him over this.

OP you should be fuming!

I'm sorry you're going through this. I get that you have loving feelings for this guy, but if he can't carry adult conversations, he's not partner material! It's not a YOU problem as he's trying to frame it. It's HIM.

You've tried this a few times by now to know that he's not someone to trust when things get serious or even rocky. You've tried to talk to him about it to no avail. Add to that, he doesn't treat you right. You've had the time now to see his true character. What you see is what you'll always get. I would advise you to walk away if you want to avoid more heartaches and manipulations. Don't stay and play his therapist nor mom. Date men who are partner material and not projects. This guy is not it.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, imnotokay said:

. Usually he spends quite a bit of time at my place so I just wanted to check in and see if everything was good on his end today. 

Sorry this is happening. 8mos is a good time to reevaluate this situation.

Unfortunately it seems like he's just coasting along for sex. He doesn't want to get involved emotionally or talk about a future.  He's doing the bare minimum for what he wants out of this.

Step way back. Do not invite him over anymore.  He doesn't want what you want. He just gets out of the situation what he wants and doesn't really care about the rest.

Sadly, he's doing this because you tolerate it.  Stop letting him sleep over or entertaining him at your place. Do not contact him. See if he steps up.

Try to avoid trendy labels to excuse his indifference. It fools you into thinking it's a condition or psychological problem that just needs understanding or help. 

It's may hurt more at first to realize he's just not that into this relationship, but it's better to cut your losses with someone this indifferent.

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, imnotokay said:

I have tried to talk to him about this issue a few months ago - being dismissive or not acknowledging feelings but it just went into the deep end and it ended up being a fight and it never really felt resolved. We've only had a few fights and they never feel like there's a conclusion to them. We both see things differently which is expected but he is unable to understand where I'm coming from in terms of how I feel about things. I do listen to him and I'm open and flexible to his view point and acknowledge his feelings because I actually really care about him. Its just tough to accept because he is someone I really enjoy and care about.

I understand it's tough. It may be the way you approach him about being "dismissive" - he may feel attacked/on the defensive -do you use I statements? Do you consider the timing of your comments? It may be he would be able to understand if it was in an environment where he felt comfortable.  Or he might not care about whether he understands or not -which is a separate issue.

Do you positively reinforce when he does show he cares- not by gushing -I mean simple acknowledgements -so he knows when he is doing something "right".  

Do you think he is being dismissive when he is watching the game and you want to talk about more than "do you need more salsa for the chips?"

Also I would be very specific "I felt disappointed when I told you how my boss treated me and how it upset me and you just kept looking at your phone".  

Again it's not about "fault" but simply tweaking timing/tone/context etc can make a big difference.  And I'd severely limit texts that talk about "feelings".  

Just a highlighting anecdote -when my son was 4 he misbehaved.  When he was calmer I said to him -ok come here and let's talk about what happened. He said eyes wide looking horrified NO! NO "TALK!!!".  

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Excuse me?! I would have left him over this.

OP you should be fuming!

I'm sorry you're going through this. I get that you have loving feelings for this guy, but if he can't carry adult conversations, he's not partner material! It's not a YOU problem as he's trying to frame it. It's HIM.

You've tried this a few times by now to know that he's not someone to trust when things get serious or even rocky. You've tried to talk to him about it to no avail. Add to that, he doesn't treat you right. You've had the time now to see his true character. What you see is what you'll always get. I would advise you to walk away if you want to avoid more heartaches and manipulations. Don't stay and play his therapist nor mom. Date men who are partner material and not projects. This guy is not it.

But from another perspective she accuses him -at least he feels accused regularly -of not treating her properly, of dismissing her, of not acknowledging her feelings including in texts, etc -he may have reached his limit and yes it was an immature thing to say for sure but it may be that the way she brings up these issues -her issues -and her feelings - he feels she does it to provoke a fight.  He shouldn't have put it that way but it also requires context.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, imnotokay said:

 . It almost feels like any conversation that gets more serious he doesn't want to deal with. When we're having fun and relaxing and enjoying our time together he is over at my place everyday - 

Unfortunately that's because he's only there for fun. He's not really BF material. Observe this and recognize that he is not invested in the relationship.

[Jibralta]

14 hours ago, imnotokay said:

The next day he becomes distant and tells me that "you're special to me but I think when you're on your period I need to avoid you because you like to stir the pot".

Translation: Your inherent flaw eclipses your intellect and makes it impossible to reason with you. You are a sadistic troublemaking beast that I must escape.

Sort of insulting, dontcha think?

It's also very telling. To me, it says that the two of you see things very differently.

14 hours ago, imnotokay said:

What do I do? I really care about this guy. Is there something I could do better with? We never fight and we never talk about anything serious because things end up just like this. Whenever we're in a good place I feel like we take 3 steps backwards and never progress forward.

I don't think you can do anything. And I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You're at the 8-month mark, and this is where the masks come off and the the skeletons start creeping out of the closet. People start showing their true colors.

14 hours ago, imnotokay said:

It almost feels like any conversation that gets more serious he doesn't want to deal with. When we're having fun and relaxing and enjoying our time together he is over at my place everyday - when things aren't all sunshine and rainbows he goes to his place and distances himself.

It's important that you acknowledge and realize this for yourself. What you see as sunshine and rainbows he sees as clouds and rain.

Bottom line: You want to progress towards something serious and he doesn't. You're simply not compatible on this important level. Don't trade your idea of fun and sunshine for his.