Boyfriend gets mad/distant when I talk about my feelings

[imnotokay]

2 hours ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

We have been together for 7 months. She is actually pretty good at not shutting me out anymore like she used to, but I absolutely cannot bring up my feelings whatsoever without her telling me I'm criticizing, attacking, lashing out. To keep the relationship balanced, things need to be focused on her and her needs at all times. I show up for her emotionally, but if I need her to show up for me, I get, "Your feelings aren't my problem." I am writing this understanding how unhealthy it sounds. When we get into a fight, it typically goes from something that could have been solved with gentle conversation, to a triggering fight where there are accusations, gaslighting, even name calling. The thing about DA's, which people talk about extensively on YouTube, is that things are great as long as you have no needs and want nothing from them. If you want a partner, I would evaluate how well that will work for you long-term. And people can seek therapy, but I can tell you that a lot of people go to therapy and tell their distorted version of what has happened. For example, months ago when I asked my girlfriend to at least communicate with me versus shut me out, she told her therapist that I was badgering her to tell me everything that is on her mind every second of the day and her therapist then made me out to be some kind of emotional rapist. LITERALLY. So, choose your partners wisely. I should take my own advice. I love my girlfriend so much and she typically will come back around and reflect on things, as do I, but I am not going to lie...  this relationship has broken my spirit more than once in the short time we have been together.

I can completely relate to this. This sounds exactly what happens if I try to talk or bring up my feelings. Something that as you said, could be solved with simple conversation turns out into something that I never intended it to turn into and then I don't even know how I got from point A to point B lol. But that seems true, as long as I don't have any needs, then the ship sails smoothly along the seas, as soon as I bring up my needs the waves turn rocky. Its hard to leave when the good times are so blissful as you said - because deep down there is someone who truly does care and wants to have a relationship and build a life but they remain emotionally unavailable and only in tune to their own needs. Sometimes friends will ask me how we're doing, and I can never give them an answer because we're mostly wishy washy or I know things might change from this week to the next. 

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, imnotokay said:

But that seems true, as long as I don't have any needs, then the ship sails smoothly along the seas, as soon as I bring up my needs the waves turn rocky.

Can you imagine having a family with this person and needing - to vent/cry/some time to yourself - to be able to express how it feels to be a new parent, etc - and having to wonder through your sleep deprived bleary eyes and muscles like jello if he'll even acknowledge you?

[imnotokay]

9 hours ago, Andrina said:

When you love someone, it's normal to hope for the best about major changes to take place. But it's not wise. You should've stayed broken up the first time you bailed.

The bad outweighs the good. So if him showing up to your place is the only way he shows he cares, yeah, you're settling.

Even though it's clear, at least for us who don't love him, that's he's not good bf material, you should be learning from your own mistakes for better success in the future.

As said, save relationship discussions for in person. Avoid that in texting.

Make a list of must-haves and dealbreakers for relationships and stick to it in future dating situations.  Only become exclusive with someone who has all your must-haves and lacks dealbreakers. And yes, sometimes you have to get beyond the honeymoon period before all that is realized. At your age, you don't have time to waste on inappropriate men when having children is a goal. 

Take care.

This is true, I know I won't be able to change him. My mom always said the "only time you can change a man is when he's in his diapers " lol. And so I knew that coming into this haha. I truly embraced everything about my guy, from the good to the bad. But it just leaves me feeling emotionally empty when he dips out and is just living his life like nothing is wrong. 

But this has been happening since early on and if its happened since then I know it won't change and I'll continue to feel this way if I stay in this relationship. 

Well said and I appreciate your response!

[imnotokay]

35 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes it is so hard!  But consider that you can't explore other options if you're tied to him - at 32, if you want a family someday I'd be mindful of not wasting your fertile years. I was so lucky and got pregnant for the first (and only) time at almost 42 but it wasn't fun emotionally having a geriatric high risk pregnancy.  

This is true and I have a feeling if I stayed here in this relationship I would be waking up one day wondering why I wasted so much time and it went nowhere. There are potential guys that I know have shown interest in me and due to me being taken by my guy I obviously didn't give them a chance. I know that I could have a different life - and a relationship where someone will listen to what I have to say, support me in tough times, and a place where I can feel secure and not like I'm alone in the relationship. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that I could have that and someone could give that to me. 

[imnotokay]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Can you imagine having a family with this person and needing - to vent/cry/some time to yourself - to be able to express how it feels to be a new parent, etc - and having to wonder through your sleep deprived bleary eyes and muscles like jello if he'll even acknowledge you?

True, my needs would even go further to be unacknowledged in a time I'd need it the most to have support. I feel like I would be met with the same dismissive character that I am now. I've said hello to the dismissive side even at the beginning of the relationship, I'm sure it will be around then as well.

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, imnotokay said:

Thats fair to say that I'm probably more serious about him than he is about me. And I ask him if that scares him and he says no. We do call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. But he likes to keep a lot of his personal life separate from our relationship. 

I'm sorry to say this, but I believe this is the core of your problem right here.  Whatever label you hang on his "attachment style" is not super relevant.  

You're in your 30's, you are at 8 months together, and you've raised the "kid timeline" topic more than one time.  You believe you're more serious than he is, and he balks very blatantly when you want to talk about THE RELATIONSHIP.

This is pretty much the average way it goes when a guy is not thinking that a current relationship is leading towards marriage and children.  They will always push back hard when the woman they're dating brings it up.

Some of the things you've shared that he's said just make him look like a douche, but if you put that aside ... 

Are you willing to face the possibility that he doesn't want to talk about these particular "feelings" because he's not on that page with you?  

If YOU want to be married and have children, is it time to look at the possibility that it won't be happening with this man?

[boltnrun]

3 hours ago, imnotokay said:

Yes, he has never apologized. I already did apologize for bugging him. I mentioned to him that it wasn't my intention to do that, I was just simply stating how I felt. I told him to have a good rest of his day and I didn't want to bug him. He said, will do, you too. Then later on in the evening he messages me with small talk about the hockey game and who won - I kept it pretty straight forward and simple as I was out with friends and then wished him a good night. Haven't heard from him today at all.

How on earth can you possibly think this is how you want to live the rest of your life? Apologizing for doing absolutely nothing wrong and practically begging him to love you. And pretending everything's fine when you know for a fact it's not.

Imagine 30 to 40 years of this. 

[boltnrun]

Oh, and just so you know? He does this to you because he likes it. It pumps up his ego to make you grovel, apologize and chase him. 

Think of this: would you ever treat someone you love like this? If not, why is it OK for him to treat you this way?

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, imnotokay said:

 - because deep down there is someone who truly does care and wants to have a relationship and build a life but they remain emotionally unavailable and only in tune to their own needs. 

You seem quite unhappy and reasonably so. Try to step back and let go. 

Also try not to convince yourself that he has any potential if this or that. That is the inherent danger in these labels.

They make indifference seem like a pathology. And that tricks your mind into thinking it's reparable. He's checked out. 

Because you allow this, it's easy for him to just coast along. Cut your losses rather than think deep down there's more, if you could only tap into it.

[Batya33]

11 hours ago, imnotokay said:

This is true and I have a feeling if I stayed here in this relationship I would be waking up one day wondering why I wasted so much time and it went nowhere. There are potential guys that I know have shown interest in me and due to me being taken by my guy I obviously didn't give them a chance. I know that I could have a different life - and a relationship where someone will listen to what I have to say, support me in tough times, and a place where I can feel secure and not like I'm alone in the relationship. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that I could have that and someone could give that to me. 

I think you found his dismissive side masculine and a challenge in the beginning.  I felt that way about a reformed "bad boy" I dated in my early 20s - he was so closed off and so handsome and hot and I was all in over the moon.  He eventually proposed and I declined.  We each got married in the same year 15 years later -to men.  He in particular was closed off because he was fighting his sexual orientation as he told me 10 years later over coffee. (Obviously that was a unique situation and no I never ever knew or sensed).

Also I agree he's not thinking of the future at all with you in the way you are- has he said specifically why he wants kids and why he wants them with you? Have you seen him around young children and interacting with young children? I wouldn't ask this if he seemed really into a future with you but since he's not it may be he pays the whole thing lip service like "of course I want to be a dad" but it doesn't have much substance to it generally or with you.  

Also -maybe this is just me -when you have a core sense of security and closeness with a man the neediness isn't there -you don't think twice if a text is not responded to, you don't prod the man with texts about "feelings" and you shrug it off if he is not all emotional about something you would be emotional about "men" -I know I'm generalizing but you just wouldn't need to test him, to have him "prove" he can have a conversation about THE RELATIONSHIP if you felt secure. 

I am not the most secure person ever but from the get go I knew my future husband cared for me, was into me, would act in my best interests as needed, be there for me as needed and since we grew up with no cell phones, no internet etc (we are in our mid 50s) he in particular is awful sometimes about checking his phone, responding to texts, etc and sure at times I feel whiny about it "you just don't care enough" but this is rare - I can deal with it as his annoying habit of not checking enough. When we were finally right for each other (took two chances!) those feelings-laden deep conversations were actually pretty easy and smooth - the love and caring and passion were there. 

When I was almost 41 I told him "ok we should start trying." We already knew we both wanted a family, we weren't even engaged yet. He said "so if you do get pregnant will we get married" and I said "yes of course."  We both already knew we planned on marriage, we both already knew the timing was an issue because at the time we were long distance, I had a great job, I'd have to relocate and he was in the process of figuring out new opportunities including relo. 

It never occurred to me to express "feelings" about this because we were both all in - had he hesitated I could see a long drawn out convo about "feelings" or if I'd said I wasn't sure about marriage I could see "feelings" being front and center plus a healthy dose of conflict.  

I was totally sure of him and his "feelings" -  had no doubts at all about trying to conceive (as we were both older!!) as far as him following through on our future plans -no need to test his feelings, ask him "are you sure?" I never did.  Never made any plan of "uh oh what if I am a single mom?" I trusted him and his feelings -didn't need him to tell me again.

  It took us over a year to conceive and each time I wasn't pregnant I didn't need to discuss or express "feelings" other than my disappointment.  (He was more sure of knocking me up lol).  When I finally saw the positive test - I knew he would rejoice with me and in fact he was waiting outside the bathroom to snap a photo of me triumphantly waving the positive stick lol.  We got married 5 months and 3 days or so after the positive test.

I share all this because I realized that you're probably testing him on his "feelings" and how he reacts to you expressing feelings because you don't trust he really is into you. So perhaps when you again want to Talk about Feelings or The Relationship he senses he's being tested and put under a microscope and he doesn't want any of that.  It's no fun and it's really frustrating. 

He should own up and say "look I don't mind when you express your feelings but you're trying to get a certain reaction out of me for reassurance.  I can't give you any more reassurance other than I like what we have now, it's fun and I'm not sure what the future holds or I'm not as sure as you are so if you want someone who wants to get married and start a family within the next year or so I'm not that guy and I might never be."

[lostandhurt]

I am sorry he is treating you like crap but that is totally on him and you should not be apologizing for his bad reaction to general relationship type stuff.  This is not okay or normal.

 The simple fact that he purposely keeps his life private at 6-8 months in is reason enough to think he will NEVER open up and let you in and he will NEVER be supportive and understanding.

Simply put you cannot depend on him.  That does not make even a poor husband or father...

 Let me be blunt.  You are wasting your time hoping he will change, this isn't anything you have done it is all him.  He is not the one for you or anyone else.

 Lost

[Jibralta]

14 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I'm sorry to say this, but I believe this is the core of your problem right here.  Whatever label you hang on his "attachment style" is not super relevant.  

I agree. 

Yes, it's interesting to speculate about what the root cause *might* be, but its ultimately a form of procrastination--it's preventing you from breaking up with him and moving on to something better. Hypothesizing about 'attachment styles' makes it seem like there's an obstacle that you can remove or circumvent. But that's not the case. No amount of coaching or therapy will make someone serious about a relationship when they simply aren't interested in being serious.

[jul-els]

There’s an incompatibility between the two of you. He doesn’t want to communicate. That’s who he is. Knowing this about him, you should decide if it’s something you want to accept. You know it’s making you unhappy. He’s not going to change and you shouldn’t expect him to. If you can’t be happy with it (frankly, I wouldn’t be happy with it either) you shouldn’t stay. 

[imnotokay]

16 hours ago, Jaunty said:

I'm sorry to say this, but I believe this is the core of your problem right here.  Whatever label you hang on his "attachment style" is not super relevant.  

You're in your 30's, you are at 8 months together, and you've raised the "kid timeline" topic more than one time.  You believe you're more serious than he is, and he balks very blatantly when you want to talk about THE RELATIONSHIP.

This is pretty much the average way it goes when a guy is not thinking that a current relationship is leading towards marriage and children.  They will always push back hard when the woman they're dating brings it up.

Some of the things you've shared that he's said just make him look like a douche, but if you put that aside ... 

Are you willing to face the possibility that he doesn't want to talk about these particular "feelings" because he's not on that page with you?  

If YOU want to be married and have children, is it time to look at the possibility that it won't be happening with this man?

I will say that this topic of kids was an example of what he does and distances himself - it has been happening for ANY conversation that is emotionally charged or has weight behind it. We have talked about kids before and he did say he was wanting a 2-3 year timeline and did say he sees himself having kids with me so that's why I didn't feel like it would be problematic. It was more along the lines of what if we couldn't have kids for whatever reason - and I know he wants them, would he just leave type thing to find it with someone else. In that case hypothetically I would have invested time and energy into it, and would be hurt of course. He would be against adopting and I feel like he would not be open to just not having kids. So for me there's a protective aspect there too where I know he would leave if we couldn't.

But I do agree it that he probably bailed because he's pushing away - even though he says he's not. And I agree it is possible that it won't be with my guy and its a ***ty reality. But even just having my emotions dismissed is ***ty too. Its all about his needs usually. I have a lot of thinking to do. Maybe I need to read up more on leaving a relationship because I'm not very good at it.

 

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, imnotokay said:

Maybe I need to read up more on leaving a relationship because I'm not very good at it.

It's the same as any other action you don't want to do and need to do - you don't have to be good at it at all.  You can be really really bad at it.  You make the logistical plans.  Whether it's telling him you are done, getting your stuff/giving him back his stuff -that you know how to do as you've done it in your lifetime -you've moved out, moved in, left jobs, etc.  I had a friend going through a divorce who asked me to come with her to her old apartment she'd shared with husband(where he still was living) for emotional support while she went through her stuff there. I did and actually her husband thanked me privately for coming -I hadn't met him.  So it was hard for her to do, she knew she wasn't good at it so she asked me to come so she'd make it through.

So you treat it logistically - you tell him in person simply and directly "this is not a healthful relationship for me and I think it's best we stop seeing each other."  Then you'll already have made your logistical plans so politely tell him when you will deliver his stuff to him and when you can pick up your stuff.  Then you take it day by day hour by hour.

Also I found this kind of odd - So -if you are infertile you wouldn't adopt or you'd go along with his vetoing adoption? I think it's fine he doesn't want to but a little surprising given what you said about kids that you'd give up kids to be with someone who refused to adopt.

[imnotokay]

15 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Oh, and just so you know? He does this to you because he likes it. It pumps up his ego to make you grovel, apologize and chase him. 

Think of this: would you ever treat someone you love like this? If not, why is it OK for him to treat you this way?

Well said, I would never treat someone that way. If I even explained it to him in this way I don't even think that would change what is going on for me, I think he would just dismiss it or make it about me somehow.

Well I'm doing my best not to pump up his ego, I'm letting him be. Spending time with my family and friends and it has been nice to be surrounded by people I care about. Haven't seen him since, so its been about 4 days now which is not typical. He texted me but its very superficial basically just telling me what he's up to for the day, kinda one sided. 

[lostandhurt]

Ending a relationship you had such big hopes for is never easy for anyone but it needs to be done when there is no communication from him. He doesn't want to talk about it so he just bails for a few days. 

  I know it is all to easy for us to tell you that you need to end this as strangers that are not in love with him but think about this question: Are you in love with who he really is or who you want him to be?

From all your words in this thread he falls way short on a lot of very important factors for a happy, healthy, supportive and thriving relationship.

 Look at it as if your sister was dating a guy just like your bf.  What would you advise her to do?

Keep posting

 Lost

[imnotokay]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think you found his dismissive side masculine and a challenge in the beginning.  I felt that way about a reformed "bad boy" I dated in my early 20s - he was so closed off and so handsome and hot and I was all in over the moon.  He eventually proposed and I declined.  We each got married in the same year 15 years later -to men.  He in particular was closed off because he was fighting his sexual orientation as he told me 10 years later over coffee. (Obviously that was a unique situation and no I never ever knew or sensed).

Also I agree he's not thinking of the future at all with you in the way you are- has he said specifically why he wants kids and why he wants them with you? Have you seen him around young children and interacting with young children? I wouldn't ask this if he seemed really into a future with you but since he's not it may be he pays the whole thing lip service like "of course I want to be a dad" but it doesn't have much substance to it generally or with you.  

Also -maybe this is just me -when you have a core sense of security and closeness with a man the neediness isn't there -you don't think twice if a text is not responded to, you don't prod the man with texts about "feelings" and you shrug it off if he is not all emotional about something you would be emotional about "men" -I know I'm generalizing but you just wouldn't need to test him, to have him "prove" he can have a conversation about THE RELATIONSHIP if you felt secure. 

I am not the most secure person ever but from the get go I knew my future husband cared for me, was into me, would act in my best interests as needed, be there for me as needed and since we grew up with no cell phones, no internet etc (we are in our mid 50s) he in particular is awful sometimes about checking his phone, responding to texts, etc and sure at times I feel whiny about it "you just don't care enough" but this is rare - I can deal with it as his annoying habit of not checking enough. When we were finally right for each other (took two chances!) those feelings-laden deep conversations were actually pretty easy and smooth - the love and caring and passion were there. 

When I was almost 41 I told him "ok we should start trying." We already knew we both wanted a family, we weren't even engaged yet. He said "so if you do get pregnant will we get married" and I said "yes of course."  We both already knew we planned on marriage, we both already knew the timing was an issue because at the time we were long distance, I had a great job, I'd have to relocate and he was in the process of figuring out new opportunities including relo. 

It never occurred to me to express "feelings" about this because we were both all in - had he hesitated I could see a long drawn out convo about "feelings" or if I'd said I wasn't sure about marriage I could see "feelings" being front and center plus a healthy dose of conflict.  

I was totally sure of him and his "feelings" -  had no doubts at all about trying to conceive (as we were both older!!) as far as him following through on our future plans -no need to test his feelings, ask him "are you sure?" I never did.  Never made any plan of "uh oh what if I am a single mom?" I trusted him and his feelings -didn't need him to tell me again.

  It took us over a year to conceive and each time I wasn't pregnant I didn't need to discuss or express "feelings" other than my disappointment.  (He was more sure of knocking me up lol).  When I finally saw the positive test - I knew he would rejoice with me and in fact he was waiting outside the bathroom to snap a photo of me triumphantly waving the positive stick lol.  We got married 5 months and 3 days or so after the positive test.

I share all this because I realized that you're probably testing him on his "feelings" and how he reacts to you expressing feelings because you don't trust he really is into you. So perhaps when you again want to Talk about Feelings or The Relationship he senses he's being tested and put under a microscope and he doesn't want any of that.  It's no fun and it's really frustrating. 

He should own up and say "look I don't mind when you express your feelings but you're trying to get a certain reaction out of me for reassurance.  I can't give you any more reassurance other than I like what we have now, it's fun and I'm not sure what the future holds or I'm not as sure as you are so if you want someone who wants to get married and start a family within the next year or so I'm not that guy and I might never be."

In terms of being secure - I would say I'm pretty relaxed, however in the sense that I know this behaviour is atypical for him - not to be spending time at my place , seeming emotionally distant. I wanted to check in with him and see where he's at. When I asked him he said he was fine etc. and that the conversation didn't bother him, but yet his actions tell me differently. Then when I aired out that I felt like we took a few steps back - that's when I got the pestering text and that I'm not hearing him. It literally went from something like "hey just checking in, hoping things are all good as I haven't seen you for a few days" and then I got blown up on basically with the pestering.

And of course this caused me to retreat and back off entirely. I didn't press the subject and left him alone after apologizing for having bothered him. 

But I see where you're coming from - you never had to question it because you were both all in on that same page. But the thing is he doesn't express anything to me, So I basically don't even know where his mind is which prompts me to ask because he doesn't usually say what he feels about me or the relationship. What concerned me to feel more insecure was that he wasn't coming over when he usually does and that he seemed more distant which led me to ask what I was saying above^. So I become insecure and I'm thinking its because I don't feel very secure in the relationship. 

I agree though he should at least own up and tell me how he feels even if he's not on the same page, because I would appreciate that. I wouldn't be mad about it because I do care and respect how he feels. And it would be a good indicator that we just aren't for each other in a relationship way which is fine and I think I could eventually accept that. I know he obviously does care about me which is why its so hurtful when he pulls away and dismisses my feelings. What keeps me holding on is I know he does care and that's hard to let go of. Because when things are good they're really good. We're smiling and laughing and can't stay away from each other. But its usually followed by periods of what I'm explaining now. 

[Jibralta]

16 minutes ago, imnotokay said:

he should at least own up and tell me how he feels even if he's not on the same page, because I would appreciate that.

Some people aren't honest enough with themselves to be able to own up. Have you ever heard the saying, "Actions speak louder than words?"

16 minutes ago, imnotokay said:

When I asked him he said he was fine etc. and that the conversation didn't bother him, but yet his actions tell me differently.

Don't wait to be told what to think. Think for yourself!

[Jaunty]

There really are 2 levels to this.  One of them is that he is a crappy boyfriend for you because he treats you poorly in general.   You shouldn't be with a guy who you feel this bad with.

The second level is that he's not seeing a future with you. I'm sorry, but I think you're right to not feel secure in this relationship.  He hates to have the serious talks or to deal with your emotions because he has a boundary in place around those things.   He's not in this relationship to deal with them.  He wants to enjoy himself. He believes he's made this clear to you - thus the accusations of "pestering."  Talking about  your hopes and fears is not enjoyable for him.   He wants to keep it light.  

The detailed talking about the ins and outs of parenthood are not usually happening in relationships where the couple is not already on a track towards marriage / forming a family.   If you keep bringing up these things, he will probably break up with you.  Which, sadly, would be right of him, since he is not prepared to give you what you need and want and he knows it.  I think you know it too.

I wish you would let this man go.  You want to be in a relationship where your boyfriend cares about your feelings and wants the same thing you do.  You deserve to have it, and you're not going to get it here.  

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, imnotokay said:

What keeps me holding on is I know he does care and that's hard to let go of. Because when things are good they're really good. We're smiling and laughing and can't stay away from each other. But its usually followed by periods of what I'm explaining now. 

So yes he cares.  Does he care enough?  You say he doesn't "express anything" but he does -you just don't want to hear it. He expresses his need for space by avoiding you .He probably is happy to express his feelings about lots of things - choosing where to go for dinner, on vacation, when a coworker or his mother annoy him, etc.  He just doesn't choose to express his feelings about you when prodded and he doesn't want to talk about feelings related to The Relationship or The Future.

Because he doesn't get pleasure from expressing his feelings about that -he knows you're more into him and you're more serious. He does care about you but not in a "she is the one I want to marry" kind of caring.  He cares as long as it doesn't get in the way of him being able to keep things on a level where it will stay as two people enjoying each other now and having fun now without the responsibilties of planning a marriage or family.  I'm sorry.

[Andrina]

2 hours ago, imnotokay said:

I know he obviously does care about me which is why its so hurtful when he pulls away and dismisses my feelings. What keeps me holding on is I know he does care and that's hard to let go of. Because when things are good they're really good. We're smiling and laughing and can't stay away from each other. But its usually followed by periods of what I'm explaining now. 

This really rings of childishness. Happy, smiling, a joy to be around when he's holding a yummy ice cream cone and riding on a roller coaster. Pouting or taking a tantrum when he has to pick up his toys.

Romances can only happen with adults who act like adults.

How to break up? Ask you if you can drop by his house. Pack up his things and put them in your car. Drive there. Leave the box in your car. Go in and tell him the relationship isn't working for you. Don't get into a lot of details. They are now irrelevant. Don't accept promises of change. Tell him you brought his things. Bring them in and box up your things to take home.

Agree to no contact for closure. If he plays mind games and doesn't abide by the rules, block his number.

You have to have a spine because you're an adult and the only one who can have your own back. Good luck.

[imnotokay]

45 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

It's the same as any other action you don't want to do and need to do - you don't have to be good at it at all.  You can be really really bad at it.  You make the logistical plans.  Whether it's telling him you are done, getting your stuff/giving him back his stuff -that you know how to do as you've done it in your lifetime -you've moved out, moved in, left jobs, etc.  I had a friend going through a divorce who asked me to come with her to her old apartment she'd shared with husband(where he still was living) for emotional support while she went through her stuff there. I did and actually her husband thanked me privately for coming -I hadn't met him.  So it was hard for her to do, she knew she wasn't good at it so she asked me to come so she'd make it through.

So you treat it logistically - you tell him in person simply and directly "this is not a healthful relationship for me and I think it's best we stop seeing each other."  Then you'll already have made your logistical plans so politely tell him when you will deliver his stuff to him and when you can pick up your stuff.  Then you take it day by day hour by hour.

Also I found this kind of odd - So -if you are infertile you wouldn't adopt or you'd go along with his vetoing adoption? I think it's fine he doesn't want to but a little surprising given what you said about kids that you'd give up kids to be with someone who refused to adopt.

The way this distance feels, it almost seems like we're not together - it feels very unfulfilling. I wonder if he feels the same, or feels like nothing is wrong as he has told me that he was good. The thing is I'd love to chat with him in person but he seems so distant and we have no concrete plan on when to see each other next as I am a shift worker and will be working the next 4 days. Have't seen him once on my days off.

I'm going to have to talk to him at some point, and this space is allowing me to kinda reflect on what I want so maybe its a bit of a blessing in disguise. 

So basically if I were to be infertile I would adopt - he does not want to adopt, he wants to have his own biological child. So basically at that point it is important for him to have his own child, he would have to leave what we have to get that. Thats where a lot of uncertainty comes with this future, is that he would not stick around and ride out life with me as it goes...

[imnotokay]

2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Some people aren't honest enough with themselves to be able to own up. Have you ever heard the saying, "Actions speak louder than words?"

Don't wait to be told what to think. Think for yourself!

This is exactly why him being away from me is speaking louder than what he is telling me. Since he has told me before that when he spends a lot of time with me that should show me how he feels. Clearly he is not here doing that nor is he making any effort to when we literally live a few minutes away from each other. He still is talking to me but of course it always sounds so friendly and removed, its nothing new.

[imnotokay]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

So yes he cares.  Does he care enough?  You say he doesn't "express anything" but he does -you just don't want to hear it. He expresses his need for space by avoiding you .He probably is happy to express his feelings about lots of things - choosing where to go for dinner, on vacation, when a coworker or his mother annoy him, etc.  He just doesn't choose to express his feelings about you when prodded and he doesn't want to talk about feelings related to The Relationship or The Future.

Because he doesn't get pleasure from expressing his feelings about that -he knows you're more into him and you're more serious. He does care about you but not in a "she is the one I want to marry" kind of caring.  He cares as long as it doesn't get in the way of him being able to keep things on a level where it will stay as two people enjoying each other now and having fun now without the responsibilties of planning a marriage or family.  I'm sorry.

Thank you for all your feed back and I completely agree with this. I do feel more serious about him than he does me for sure. And you're right he is expressing his own way by avoiding me and our conversations or anything that isn't kept light and fun. When I have asked him before if he was serious about me he did say yes. I really have no idea honestly. Sometimes it feels like the status of our relationship changes so often that I don't even know where I stand.

Also anytime we seem to be getting really close - even without any feeling discussions he takes a step back from the relationship as well I've noticed. 

This makes it very clear and I appreciate the feedback!