Boyfriend gets mad/distant when I talk about my feelings

[1a1a]

If nothing changes how long would you stay? 6 weeks? 6 months? A year? 5? 10?

This is your time to evaluate this person’s worthiness of being your match. Personally I wouldn’t want a life partner who won’t listen to and take into consideration my needs when clearly stated, nor one who reacts so hostilely to serious conversations. Maybe it’s worth trying to have a conversation with him about this when you’re both calm. How does he react? Is there a change in behaviour? Does he make an effort to speak your love language? The answers to these questions are valuable information.

[Andrina]

When you love someone, it's normal to hope for the best about major changes to take place. But it's not wise. You should've stayed broken up the first time you bailed.

The bad outweighs the good. So if him showing up to your place is the only way he shows he cares, yeah, you're settling.

Even though it's clear, at least for us who don't love him, that's he's not good bf material, you should be learning from your own mistakes for better success in the future.

As said, save relationship discussions for in person. Avoid that in texting.

Make a list of must-haves and dealbreakers for relationships and stick to it in future dating situations.  Only become exclusive with someone who has all your must-haves and lacks dealbreakers. And yes, sometimes you have to get beyond the honeymoon period before all that is realized. At your age, you don't have time to waste on inappropriate men when having children is a goal. 

Take care.

[smackie9]

This is how it is....quite a few (not all) men don't like talking about emotions/feelings. It's how they were raise mostly, taught that real men don't cry, it's not masculine, told to harden the f up, etc. Your BF/ex is that person. It feels weird, uncomfortable, awkward and gives him anxiety. It's doesn't always mean he doesn't care or is disrespecting you. YOU and him are incompatible in this area. And since this is very important to you, you need to find a man that fills this need, that is protective/empathetic. So instead of complaining about it, just break free and seek out someone who can carry your emotional load. 

[imnotokay]

16 hours ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

He sounds totally like a Dismissive Avoidant to me. Watch videos on them on YouTube. My girlfriend is a DA and it's been so challenging for me. It's also been blissful. It tends to be like other worldly amazing or the opposite. Like, when it's good, it's great and when it's bad, it's atrocious. We have recently been talking about taking our relationship to the next level and then I left her place and she withdrew. When I asked her about withdrawing, she got pissed off at me and said I was attacking her. Sound familiar? Look up DA's. The Personal Development School makes great YouTube videos about attachment theory.

This is my relationship to a T.

I do try to keep our conversations open and flexible - I'm aware of the dismissive avoidant so I do try to give him his space. But if I bring up any conversation - regardless of timing - its never the right time. I'm not super needy, in fact I GO along with all the light casual fun talk and very superficial enjoyment where things aren't too serious. But I'm also looking for a life partner - and someone I can talk to about anything and feel not scared to approach them if I have a concern. I think I can count on my fingers how many times we've actually had a squabble - which doesn't happen very often. But he does retreat and stay away for days at a time when things get too serious. When I ask him if the conversation bothers him he tells me it doesn't. 

How long have you guys been together and how do you deal with the situations when she withdraws?

[DarkCh0c0]

5 minutes ago, imnotokay said:

How long have you guys been together and how do you deal with the situations when she withdraws?

As you can see below, not well.

https://www.enotalone.com/topic/455616-anyone-have-experience-dating-a-dismissive-avoidant/#comment-5778388

Giving an immature behaviour a title doesn't make it any better. If anything, it should push you to run away faster.

[imnotokay]

16 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

i

He sounds like a 'Good Time Charlie' and only in a good mood when conversations are light and polite.  Then the minute a conversation gets serious and deals with real life such as engaging in a dialogue regarding your future together, he prefers to remove himself from you.  Beware.  Either accept his personality the way he is or choose a man who knows how to communicate with you with emotional maturity and intelligence.   (Google 'emotional intelligence' aka empathy)

He's gaslighting you.  Gaslighting is deflecting, changing the subject and forcing you to believe there is something fundamentally wrong with YOU.  Gaslighting is psychological warfare and gaslighting is manipulating the conversation to his favor.  He's tricky.  Gaslighting example was when you told you that due to your period, you're stirring the pot.  You are correct.  He used the idiom incorrectly but he still gaslit you nonetheless by deflecting blame away from him onto you. 

I've known many people (my relatives, in fact) where you have to keep every conversation superficial otherwise here comes typical gaslighting yet again.  It gets old real fast.  I know the drill all too well, unfortunately.  You can't change gaslighters.  They're set in their ways.  They gaslight you because they're masters at gaslighting and it works for them.   They're hopeless causes. 

What can you do?  Nothing.  Gaslighters are set in their ways.  If you call them on it, they'll become defensive and accuse you of being a troublemaker.  Or, they'll accuse YOU of being mentally ill.  I no longer interact with gaslighters.  I cut them out of my life. 

You deserve to be treated with respect.  Your boyfriend habitually and chronically disrespects you.  He doesn't treat you with dignity, common decency and common courtesy.  He dismisses you as if you don't matter.  He couldn't care less about having a serious future with you. 

If he were my boyfriend, I'd find a replacement. 

 

Thank you for the reply!!

I've always heard of gas lighting but never understood how it is displayed in context. He's actually told me a few times I was gaslighting him in the past. I had a previous post about it. He was basically telling me I was trying to one up him in a game when I actually could care less and was just having fun but he told me I was gaslighting him and that I had an intention to compete and win and get the upper hand (all of which wasn't true). But I couldn't get a word in and there was no explaining myself he was completely closed off. 

This is true he dismisses any type of emotion I display towards him - he changes the subject if I have a concern and doesn't acknowledge what I say. The respect for how I feel never really is taken care of, he doesn't really provide me with any positive affirmations. He seems very emotionally unavailable and incapable of telling me what I mean to him. He knows positive affirmations are part of my love language and I've told him this before - he just chooses not to provide me with anything. If I'm not with him in person he acts very detached and in a friendly way rather than feeling like a partner. And if we're together he is very cuddly and affectionate but if anything disturbs his blissful moment of no issues in the relationship - he takes 5 steps back in his actions by spending more time at his own house and not seeing me for days. While saying - nothing has changed and the conversation didn't bug him.

[imnotokay]

16 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

It sounds like some or a lot of these discussions may be happening through text. What percentage would you say happens in person vs text? 

 From what you described it sounds like he wants to be on the team only when they are winning but as soon as things get a little serious or tough he wants to head to the locker room until it is all rosy and fun again.  What kind of husband and father do you think he will be when the family hits a rough patch? Sick kids? Bills pilling up?

 You are not kids 32 and 34 and at 6 months you should be growing together not standing still so talking about these things is pretty normal because if you are not on the same page then it is time to end it and move on.

 From what he said about your period I get the feeling that if sex is not on the table he cannot be bothered.  Just the vibe I get...

 Lost

Mostly when him and I are together - no serious conversations happen. Its all fun and games and relaxing. When serious conversations happen - he takes like 5 steps back and I won't see him for a few days. If the serious conversation didn't happen - he'd be over in a heartbeat. He has told me he sees himself having kids with me which is why I didn't think the conversation was a bad one to have. 

I know he wants kids but I don't know if we can even have kids - reproductively speaking. We've both never tried. But its very important to him. So lets say me and him finally are in a place where we want to start trying and if it never happened with us - since I know its important to him- would he just leave the relationship?. and that has been a question in our relationship - although hypothetical. It would suck to be in love with someone and then have it end because we couldn't have kids together one day. So yes my fears are there and they make me think of protecting myself in that off chance that I've built this life with him and he ends up leaving. 

 

[imnotokay]

16 hours ago, Jaunty said:

All I can say is, either the two of you are a severe mismatch, or the guy is pretty much a jerk.

I did have the same questions as @Batya33after reading your OP.  My first impression is that he does NOT want to talk about timelines for babies etc. with you.  That is something for you to pay close attention to.  It could very well mean that he does not see that kind of future with you and he feels pressured when you bring those topics up.  You said you'd talked about it before - you must know where he's at, and vice versa. So I can understand why he might be feeling something along the lines of "oh no not this again" if it comes up.  

So - is it true that you are not on the same page about having a future together?  

But then you go on to say that he is dismissive, doesn't care about your concerns, doesn't say "thank you" to you ever, treats you disrespectfully, never shows you any appreciation.  

So - you're not compatible AND he is a lousy jerk on top of it, it seems.

In the last conversation I had with him prior to this we were on a 3 year timeline in terms of having kids and we were both feeling good after the conversation. But after this conversation he seemed more wishy washy with the timeline and it wasn't a conversation of pressure either haha. The topic just came up and I felt comfortable to talk with him about it. A big concern for our relationship is that we both don't know if we can have kids because we've never actually tried. So the hypothetical there is that what if one of us wasn't reproductively able to, would he just leave? because having a kid is important to him. He said the conversation didn't bother him. But his actions and him being away for the past 3 nights makes me think that the conversation actually did. He is usually here everyday. He also said that him being around me so much should show how he feels about me - but now that there's an absence should that show how he feels about me? If that makes sense. 

[imnotokay]

16 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well look, call it avoidant attachment or maybe he's just not as serious about you as you are about him. Would you say your relationship is serious overall? Like, do you call each other boyfriend and girlfriend and met each other's family and friends? I'm sorry to sound negative but if he said he wants kids but when you mention it, it makes him uncomfortable, maybe he's just not sure about kids with you? Unless you're talking about it constantly, I don't see why he just withdraws and you don't see him for a few days. 

Thats fair to say that I'm probably more serious about him than he is about me. And I ask him if that scares him and he says no. We do call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. But he likes to keep a lot of his personal life separate from our relationship. He says he is just a more private guy. And no we don't talk about it constantly - in fact we have very few serious conversations because it ends up exactly like this so I usually avoid it. Or I avoid having my needs met because as soon as I express what I need , he withdraws.

[imnotokay]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I understand it's tough. It may be the way you approach him about being "dismissive" - he may feel attacked/on the defensive -do you use I statements? Do you consider the timing of your comments? It may be he would be able to understand if it was in an environment where he felt comfortable.  Or he might not care about whether he understands or not -which is a separate issue.

Do you positively reinforce when he does show he cares- not by gushing -I mean simple acknowledgements -so he knows when he is doing something "right".  

Do you think he is being dismissive when he is watching the game and you want to talk about more than "do you need more salsa for the chips?"

Also I would be very specific "I felt disappointed when I told you how my boss treated me and how it upset me and you just kept looking at your phone".  

Again it's not about "fault" but simply tweaking timing/tone/context etc can make a big difference.  And I'd severely limit texts that talk about "feelings".  

Just a highlighting anecdote -when my son was 4 he misbehaved.  When he was calmer I said to him -ok come here and let's talk about what happened. He said eyes wide looking horrified NO! NO "TALK!!!".  

Like I'm definitely considerate of him - the last thing I want is to fight or have tension. I rarely bring things up to him because I know it will end up like this so I almost feel scared to come and share my feelings. I could have bet money that the next day he wouldn't stay at my place and I'd be a millionaire because I know his tendencies. When he was watching hockey he was at his own place - I didn't even know he was watching hockey at the time of shooting him a message to see how he was doing. Regardless like I mentioned before - it wouldn't matter if he was playing on his phone doing something unimportant - he still would have the same reaction. Trust me when I say I've limited all texts talking about feelings - but still when I need to talk I should be able to feel like I can express myself and that it will be acknowledged not just subject change. 

By all means I'm not perfect, I try to do a good job at making sure that I'm phrasing my concerns right, and not coming off too strong. I try to avoid blaming - because I'm simply stating how I feel - and it still doesn't get acknowledged. And then I'm apparently bugging him. I seriously care about this man and it absolutely hurts to know that I can't or at least don't feel like we're taking any steps forward - because when we actually do we move 3 steps back.

[imnotokay]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

As you can see below, not well.

https://www.enotalone.com/topic/455616-anyone-have-experience-dating-a-dismissive-avoidant/#comment-5778388

Giving an immature behaviour a title doesn't make it any better. If anything, it should push you to run away faster.

Just read your post! Wow that seems very much like my relationship. My guy has told me I gaslit him too and I always end up apologizing after. He has never once apologized to me even after saying hurtful things. Its almost like if I bring up my feelings or how I feel - then I'm almost blamed for bringing them up and stirring the pot. And its not necessarily like asking him to help out around the house more - it literally is just a conversation with no expectation and just talking. And it still ends up with me stirring the pot as he says.

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, imnotokay said:

Just read your post! Wow that seems very much like my relationship. My guy has told me I gaslit him too and I always end up apologizing after. He has never once apologized to me even after saying hurtful things. Its almost like if I bring up my feelings or how I feel - then I'm almost blamed for bringing them up and stirring the pot. And its not necessarily like asking him to help out around the house more - it literally is just a conversation with no expectation and just talking. And it still ends up with me stirring the pot as he says.

Can you explain why you stay in this relationship? Do you have better reasons than "But I LOVE him!!!" or "We have a lot in common!" (vague)? 

Time served doesn't have to mean a life sentence. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, imnotokay said:

This is my relationship to a T.

I do try to keep our conversations open and flexible - I'm aware of the dismissive avoidant so I do try to give him his space. But if I bring up any conversation - regardless of timing - its never the right time. I'm not super needy, in fact I GO along with all the light casual fun talk and very superficial enjoyment where things aren't too serious. But I'm also looking for a life partner - and someone I can talk to about anything and feel not scared to approach them if I have a concern. I think I can count on my fingers how many times we've actually had a squabble - which doesn't happen very often. But he does retreat and stay away for days at a time when things get too serious. When I ask him if the conversation bothers him he tells me it doesn't. 

How long have you guys been together and how do you deal with the situations when she withdraws?

 

39 minutes ago, imnotokay said:

By all means I'm not perfect, I try to do a good job at making sure that I'm phrasing my concerns right, and not coming off too strong. I try to avoid blaming - because I'm simply stating how I feel - and it still doesn't get acknowledged. And then I'm apparently bugging him. I seriously care about this man and it absolutely hurts to know that I can't or at least don't feel like we're taking any steps forward - because when we actually do we move 3 steps back.

Sounds like way too much work -like he's a boss you're trying to please and walk on eggshells around because the goal -keeping the job/getting a promotion/learning from a great mentor -is worth the efforts. 

Yes relationships take work yes sometimes there are really awkward discussions and having to express oneself differently but that should be the exception.

It reminds me a bit of when my mother in law was dying and then died.  I had learned when my dear friend/cousin was dying that it was really important to be there for her and for her husband the way they needed support -not necessarily how I believed I should support plus not focusing on my needing support in dealing with this tragedy and crisis.  I was very careful in when I showed up and how and how I phrased things. 

I did the same with my husband -he was so close to his mother and I loved her so much too -but he processed stuff differently than I would have and I wanted to be a support to him.  So I didn't walk on eggshells I was just way more conscious of how I was there for him and when.  I actually did fine with it - but also again this was an exception - a crisis - really hard, challenging time for him and all of us. 

The thing is if that is how it is ALL  the time then there's no foundation of security and comfort. In general -you should feel "at home" with the person so when life throws you curve balls and challenges -whether it's an illness or misplaced car keys the day before Thanksgiving while on a road trip etc you both know that you might have to put in more effort to figure stuff out, stay calm, you might see a difference in communication style/anxiety levels -but you both know it's gonna be all right. 

I had a wonderful boyfriend on and off for 7 years where so much of the time I felt the conversations were forced and awkward even though I felt how much he cared and loved me -and I felt the same! It took me 5 months after the final breakup to have an epiphany as to why.  I even called him and asked him what he thought and he agreed! I started dating my now husband about two months later.

It's hard to admit when it's square peg in round hole and I think that is what you have here.  

[Tinydance]

50 minutes ago, imnotokay said:

Like I'm definitely considerate of him - the last thing I want is to fight or have tension. I rarely bring things up to him because I know it will end up like this so I almost feel scared to come and share my feelings. I could have bet money that the next day he wouldn't stay at my place and I'd be a millionaire because I know his tendencies. When he was watching hockey he was at his own place - I didn't even know he was watching hockey at the time of shooting him a message to see how he was doing. Regardless like I mentioned before - it wouldn't matter if he was playing on his phone doing something unimportant - he still would have the same reaction. Trust me when I say I've limited all texts talking about feelings - but still when I need to talk I should be able to feel like I can express myself and that it will be acknowledged not just subject change. 

By all means I'm not perfect, I try to do a good job at making sure that I'm phrasing my concerns right, and not coming off too strong. I try to avoid blaming - because I'm simply stating how I feel - and it still doesn't get acknowledged. And then I'm apparently bugging him. I seriously care about this man and it absolutely hurts to know that I can't or at least don't feel like we're taking any steps forward - because when we actually do we move 3 steps back.

Sorry but this doesn't sound good. In my experience women do talk about their feelings and get deep and meaningful more than guys. Maybe it would be OK if your boyfriend usually wasn't the one to bring these things up himself. But as your boyfriend he should be supportive of you and your feelings.

He shouldn't turn away from you when you talk about more serious things. And we're not just talking about that he just seems a bit uncomfortable. He actually stops coming to your house for a few days and says "stop pestering me". That's actually rude and he's pushing you away.

Also why is he acting like conversations only have to be on his terms? Like, basically if the topic isn't to his taste he just leaves and more or less tells you to shut up about it. 

After eight months together you would also think your relationship would be getting more serious. That you might spend about 2 - 3 days a week together. The fact that he goes away for a few days at a time does seem like a step back. It would be different if he was actually busy for some reason but he's just avoiding you.

Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. I would want to be with someone who is "all in" in the relationship. I would want to live with a partner so the fact they're showing me that they just want to go away if things get serious is not a good sign. If we lived together and I talk about my feelings and they just take off to a friend's place or something and I sit at home alone  - no thanks.

[Nebraskagirl14]

3 hours ago, imnotokay said:

This is my relationship to a T.

I do try to keep our conversations open and flexible - I'm aware of the dismissive avoidant so I do try to give him his space. But if I bring up any conversation - regardless of timing - its never the right time. I'm not super needy, in fact I GO along with all the light casual fun talk and very superficial enjoyment where things aren't too serious. But I'm also looking for a life partner - and someone I can talk to about anything and feel not scared to approach them if I have a concern. I think I can count on my fingers how many times we've actually had a squabble - which doesn't happen very often. But he does retreat and stay away for days at a time when things get too serious. When I ask him if the conversation bothers him he tells me it doesn't. 

How long have you guys been together and how do you deal with the situations when she withdraws?

We have been together for 7 months. She is actually pretty good at not shutting me out anymore like she used to, but I absolutely cannot bring up my feelings whatsoever without her telling me I'm criticizing, attacking, lashing out. To keep the relationship balanced, things need to be focused on her and her needs at all times. I show up for her emotionally, but if I need her to show up for me, I get, "Your feelings aren't my problem." I am writing this understanding how unhealthy it sounds. When we get into a fight, it typically goes from something that could have been solved with gentle conversation, to a triggering fight where there are accusations, gaslighting, even name calling. The thing about DA's, which people talk about extensively on YouTube, is that things are great as long as you have no needs and want nothing from them. If you want a partner, I would evaluate how well that will work for you long-term. And people can seek therapy, but I can tell you that a lot of people go to therapy and tell their distorted version of what has happened. For example, months ago when I asked my girlfriend to at least communicate with me versus shut me out, she told her therapist that I was badgering her to tell me everything that is on her mind every second of the day and her therapist then made me out to be some kind of emotional rapist. LITERALLY. So, choose your partners wisely. I should take my own advice. I love my girlfriend so much and she typically will come back around and reflect on things, as do I, but I am not going to lie...  this relationship has broken my spirit more than once in the short time we have been together.

[boltnrun]

45 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

I am not going to lie...  this relationship has broken my spirit more than once in the short time we have been together.

It's like a gambling addict in Vegas. They keep feeding money into that slot machine because any minute now they're going to win that big jackpot. Except it almost never happens. They just find themselves several thousand dollars poorer.

In the case of these type of relationships, just like those slot machines there seldom is a payoff. You just find yourself several years older and still chasing that jackpot.

[imnotokay]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Can you explain why you stay in this relationship? Do you have better reasons than "But I LOVE him!!!" or "We have a lot in common!" (vague)? 

Time served doesn't have to mean a life sentence. 

I guess when I think of our good times and the fun I have with him it makes me want to be around him. But when I feel like this, it makes me feel like he doesn't even care. He hasn't even messaged me all day and usually he does. So obviously there's something going on and he isn't saying anything.

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, imnotokay said:

I guess when I think of our good times and the fun I have with him it makes me want to be around him. But when I feel like this, it makes me feel like he doesn't even care. He hasn't even messaged me all day and usually he does. So obviously there's something going on and he isn't saying anything.

When this has happened before is it always you who reaches out and apologizes?

[Cherylyn]

4 hours ago, imnotokay said:

Thank you for the reply!!

I've always heard of gas lighting but never understood how it is displayed in context. He's actually told me a few times I was gaslighting him in the past. I had a previous post about it. He was basically telling me I was trying to one up him in a game when I actually could care less and was just having fun but he told me I was gaslighting him and that I had an intention to compete and win and get the upper hand (all of which wasn't true). But I couldn't get a word in and there was no explaining myself he was completely closed off. 

This is true he dismisses any type of emotion I display towards him - he changes the subject if I have a concern and doesn't acknowledge what I say. The respect for how I feel never really is taken care of, he doesn't really provide me with any positive affirmations. He seems very emotionally unavailable and incapable of telling me what I mean to him. He knows positive affirmations are part of my love language and I've told him this before - he just chooses not to provide me with anything. If I'm not with him in person he acts very detached and in a friendly way rather than feeling like a partner. And if we're together he is very cuddly and affectionate but if anything disturbs his blissful moment of no issues in the relationship - he takes 5 steps back in his actions by spending more time at his own house and not seeing me for days. While saying - nothing has changed and the conversation didn't bug him.

Thank you for your kind words to me!

Your boyfriend twists your words and distorts everything you say which is classic gaslighting.  Then he accuses you of gaslighting in order to throw you off track and off balance.  I know all these typical nasty tricks.  I've figured out gaslighters years ago.  I know the set up so I don't even go there in the first place.  With these types of people, I basically eliminate them from my life and if I must engage, I 'dumb everything down' by never discussing anything worthy of intelligence; only superficial chat and no more.

Trying to engage in a mature, serious, intelligent conversation with your boyfriend are efforts in futility.  Your boyfriend has his limits with you.  He's all about physical affection and good times but there's no consideration for your mind, your concerns, topics regarding the future nor anything realistic and serious.  Learn to adapt to his preferences and his ways, accept how he is or dump him.  The choice is yours.

[imnotokay]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

 

Sounds like way too much work -like he's a boss you're trying to please and walk on eggshells around because the goal -keeping the job/getting a promotion/learning from a great mentor -is worth the efforts. 

Yes relationships take work yes sometimes there are really awkward discussions and having to express oneself differently but that should be the exception.

It reminds me a bit of when my mother in law was dying and then died.  I had learned when my dear friend/cousin was dying that it was really important to be there for her and for her husband the way they needed support -not necessarily how I believed I should support plus not focusing on my needing support in dealing with this tragedy and crisis.  I was very careful in when I showed up and how and how I phrased things. 

I did the same with my husband -he was so close to his mother and I loved her so much too -but he processed stuff differently than I would have and I wanted to be a support to him.  So I didn't walk on eggshells I was just way more conscious of how I was there for him and when.  I actually did fine with it - but also again this was an exception - a crisis - really hard, challenging time for him and all of us. 

The thing is if that is how it is ALL  the time then there's no foundation of security and comfort. In general -you should feel "at home" with the person so when life throws you curve balls and challenges -whether it's an illness or misplaced car keys the day before Thanksgiving while on a road trip etc you both know that you might have to put in more effort to figure stuff out, stay calm, you might see a difference in communication style/anxiety levels -but you both know it's gonna be all right. 

I had a wonderful boyfriend on and off for 7 years where so much of the time I felt the conversations were forced and awkward even though I felt how much he cared and loved me -and I felt the same! It took me 5 months after the final breakup to have an epiphany as to why.  I even called him and asked him what he thought and he agreed! I started dating my now husband about two months later.

It's hard to admit when it's square peg in round hole and I think that is what you have here.  

Yeah I agree, when times are like this I don't even feel like he is my boyfriend he's so distant. When things are good I feel happy and content. But when situations like these happen I couldn't feel more alone. He lives a few minutes away, if he wanted to he could pop by and spend some time even if its for an hour but he doesn't. It seems like if there's an issue its a me thing and there is no issue on his side. He hasn't even told me there's an issue or that we need to talk, he's just doing his own thing. I even offered and said yesterday if he needed to talk he knows I'll be all ears but he doesn't have an issue apparently and he's fine. So I had to take that at face value. Regardless it doesn't change how empty and alone I feel.

[Nebraskagirl14]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

It's like a gambling addict in Vegas. They keep feeding money into that slot machine because any minute now they're going to win that big jackpot. Except it almost never happens. They just find themselves several thousand dollars poorer.

In the case of these type of relationships, just like those slot machines there seldom is a payoff. You just find yourself several years older and still chasing that jackpot.

Truer words have never been spoken... I am so glad I found my way back to this page. It has helped me tremendously.

[imnotokay]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Sorry but this doesn't sound good. In my experience women do talk about their feelings and get deep and meaningful more than guys. Maybe it would be OK if your boyfriend usually wasn't the one to bring these things up himself. But as your boyfriend he should be supportive of you and your feelings.

He shouldn't turn away from you when you talk about more serious things. And we're not just talking about that he just seems a bit uncomfortable. He actually stops coming to your house for a few days and says "stop pestering me". That's actually rude and he's pushing you away.

Also why is he acting like conversations only have to be on his terms? Like, basically if the topic isn't to his taste he just leaves and more or less tells you to shut up about it. 

After eight months together you would also think your relationship would be getting more serious. That you might spend about 2 - 3 days a week together. The fact that he goes away for a few days at a time does seem like a step back. It would be different if he was actually busy for some reason but he's just avoiding you.

Personally I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. I would want to be with someone who is "all in" in the relationship. I would want to live with a partner so the fact they're showing me that they just want to go away if things get serious is not a good sign. If we lived together and I talk about my feelings and they just take off to a friend's place or something and I sit at home alone  - no thanks.

Whenever he distances he also talks more friendly towards me, like he's just texting a friend. There doesn't feel like any emotion behind it either and the conversations are usually tailored around him and his day and what he's doing. He doesn't really ask me about my day when he's in this sort of mood so its quite the 1 way conversation. 

Like it sucks and it hurts and its like I KNOW what I have to do, I just wish I didn't care this much and have difficulty separating from someone.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, imnotokay said:

Like it sucks and it hurts and its like I KNOW what I have to do, I just wish I didn't care this much and have difficulty separating from someone.

Yes it is so hard!  But consider that you can't explore other options if you're tied to him - at 32, if you want a family someday I'd be mindful of not wasting your fertile years. I was so lucky and got pregnant for the first (and only) time at almost 42 but it wasn't fun emotionally having a geriatric high risk pregnancy.  

[imnotokay]

30 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

When this has happened before is it always you who reaches out and apologizes?

Yes, he has never apologized. I already did apologize for bugging him. I mentioned to him that it wasn't my intention to do that, I was just simply stating how I felt. I told him to have a good rest of his day and I didn't want to bug him. He said, will do, you too. Then later on in the evening he messages me with small talk about the hockey game and who won - I kept it pretty straight forward and simple as I was out with friends and then wished him a good night. Haven't heard from him today at all.

[imnotokay]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

It's like a gambling addict in Vegas. They keep feeding money into that slot machine because any minute now they're going to win that big jackpot. Except it almost never happens. They just find themselves several thousand dollars poorer.

In the case of these type of relationships, just like those slot machines there seldom is a payoff. You just find yourself several years older and still chasing that jackpot.

This is gold and exactly how it feels. When the good is there, its good and enjoyable. Then it turns to *** and you're just doing whatever you can to get that good feeling back.