Anyone have experience dating a dismissive avoidant?

[Anonymous]

Hi, all-

My girlfriend is a dismissive avoidant. It’s been a really difficult new relationship with a ton of triggers on both of our parts. It’s been blissful at times and other times incredibly unhealthy. We seemed to work out a lot of bugs together and had been smooth sailing for quite awhile and then we went back into a negative cycle and here is how it goes: 

I say how I feel about something, (For example, we recently had talks about taking our relationship to the next level) after that, I felt like she was being distant. I asked her about it and she dodged the question, wanted to talk about the weather (literally) and abruptly ended two phone calls. Then she said me stating how I felt was me “attacking” her. Then, she said some nasty stuff and gave me the silent treatment. She told me I was gaslighting her after she just gaslit me. And what I am constantly left wondering is, is it me? She turns everything around on me and I am not a weak-minded person, okay. I’m not going to just be someone’s doormat, but I think I am left feeling puzzled after an argument like, I’m not allowed to have feelings. Did I gaslight? Did I attack (even though I literally just asked questions). It makes me question my reality and it drives me nuts. I would love to know if anyone else has dating a DA and if this sounds familiar. Certainly, I’m sure it doesn’t sound healthy. She called me asking why she was being distant and abruptly ending phone calls “attacking” and disturbing.” I don’t get it. 

Thanks!! 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

 It’s been a really difficult new relationship with a ton of triggers. For example, we recently had talks about taking our relationship to the next level) after that, I felt like she was being distant. 

How long have you been dating? How old is she? What do you mean by "the next level"?

Unfortunately it sounds like you are incompatible and sadly have devolved into arguing about arguing along with character assassinations, finger pointing and accusations.

Step back and reflect if you are happy. Where would you both like to see this going.

[Cherylyn]

Gaslighting is deflecting and forcing you to change your perception of the facts.  Instead of addressing the issue, it's side stepping the subject to detract you so the perpetrator escapes blame.  Gaslighters cause you to believe there is something wrong with YOU so you are left questioning and second guessing yourself.  Gaslighting is a way to throw you off track so you are left confused, frustrated and ultimately defensive.  You can't win.

Unfortunately, I've been on the receiving end of gaslighting all my life courtesy of several extended relatives.  I no longer engage.  If I must, it's superficial, brief conversations and nothing more.  If you don't want to hear gaslighting, never give gaslighters the opportunity to gaslight you in the first place.  I don't like a gaslighter's complicated personality.  They're a tricky lot.  I either avoid them or cut them out of my life.  I no longer have patience for those who lack emotional intelligence (empathy) and only surround myself with very moral people.  Everyone else is an automatic reject in my life.

It sounds to me that you and your girlfriend are incompatible with abnormal communication.  Everything is translated and misconstrued or exaggerated to the point of insulting.  You should never feel puzzled by someone and if you are, the relationship is floundering. 

Your girlfriend isn't honest.  Instead of dodging the subject regarding taking the relationship to the next level, she should've told you that she either doesn't wish to discuss it or isn't ready to take it to the next level.  Switching the subject to the weather is irritating.  Ending two phone calls is manipulative behavior.  Instead of discussing, she is ready to end the call now.  This type of behavior is controlling.  You didn't gaslight.  You didn't attack.  She simply cut you off.  Telling you that you attacked her is gaslighting because she's putting her own spin on what wasn't true. 

If I were you, I would avoid complex people because they're far too high maintenance.  They'll become a waste of your precious time and energy.  They're not worth your unnecessary stress.   Only your patience or lack thereof will determine the duration of your relationship with your girlfriend. 

[DarkCh0c0]

How long have you two been dating?

Honestly, if I know someone is dismissive and avoidant, I would leave them to it. What's the point of being with someone who is dismissive of your needs and avoids adult talks? They wouldn't bring anything but drama to your life and you'd feel like walking on eggshells all while questioning yourself. You can't fix this person nor act like their therapist. Once you discover by their actions that they are not a good partner to you, you simply release them back to the dating pond. There's no point wasting your time and mental health on a bad match. Date people who show you they are capable of healthy dating and with whom you feel safe and on the same page to take things to the next level.

[Batya33]

So the blissful times are the romantic dates/romantic times in bed, yes? It's not about feelings - it's about the subject it seems.  Are you the one who expressed feelings about wanting it to be more serious? Sounds like it -so in that specific situation she reacted by not wanting to talk about it. 

I'd lose the fancy labels because my sense is it is more specific -she'd be happy to talk about your anxiety about the upcoming tornado warning right? That's the weather.  Of course you're allowed to have feelings and if you express your feelings about wanting to get more serious the adult way to react on her end would be "I don't feel the same way (yet) and so I don't really want to talk about it right now.  I know you feel like you want to get more serious but I'm not there yet".  Instead she tries to change the topic etc.  You shouldn't be the victim.  I'd say "I shared with you how I feel about getting more serious.  How do you feel about getting more serious?" And if she won't answer or ignores you say "I see that you don't want to talk about this right now - please let me know when you do."

When she expressed her feelings about feeling attacked by you how did you respond?

My guess is you're not on the same page so any conversation about future intentions will be met with her attempt not to talk about it and reacting in an "avoidant" way - doesn't mean she is generally this way.  If you two aren't on the same page and it's not progressing towards being on the same page I'd cut my losses and give up the blissful sex/romantic times.

[smackie9]

Whatever her deal is, whether it's triggered trauma from her childhood or a personality disorder, you cannot navigate, or fix this. This is why we date/get into relationships...to find out what they are like, do they treat us with respect and how we expect to be treated etc. You KNOW this relationship ain't right. You admit it's toxicity/unhealthiness. You are looking into how to keep the bliss, ...sorry but it's better to get out, and walk away. 

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your replies, everyone. I truly appreciate it. We are 46 and 61.  She is older. When she said I attacked her, I apologized if that is how it felt, but that it wasn’t my intention and I was just asking a question. That is how it goes. I tell her my feelings about something, she tells me my reality is mistaken and I’m dramatic, illogical, making things out to be something they aren’t, and then I end up being the one that apologizes. Makes me insane. 

[Anonymous]

Oh, also, we have been together only 5 months… I can’t edit my post as anonymous poster it seems. I should have left more than once, but then, we were doing so great that I was hopeful that things had turned around. 

[Anonymous]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Whatever her deal is, whether it's triggered trauma from her childhood or a personality disorder, you cannot navigate, or fix this. This is why we date/get into relationships...to find out what they are like, do they treat us with respect and how we expect to be treated etc. You KNOW this relationship ain't right. You admit it's toxicity/unhealthiness. You are looking into how to keep the bliss, ...sorry but it's better to get out, and walk away. 

You’re right. Thank you. 

[Anonymous]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So the blissful times are the romantic dates/romantic times in bed, yes? It's not about feelings - it's about the subject it seems.  Are you the one who expressed feelings about wanting it to be more serious? Sounds like it -so in that specific situation she reacted by not wanting to talk about it. 

I'd lose the fancy labels because my sense is it is more specific -she'd be happy to talk about your anxiety about the upcoming tornado warning right? That's the weather.  Of course you're allowed to have feelings and if you express your feelings about wanting to get more serious the adult way to react on her end would be "I don't feel the same way (yet) and so I don't really want to talk about it right now.  I know you feel like you want to get more serious but I'm not there yet".  Instead she tries to change the topic etc.  You shouldn't be the victim.  I'd say "I shared with you how I feel about getting more serious.  How do you feel about getting more serious?" And if she won't answer or ignores you say "I see that you don't want to talk about this right now - please let me know when you do."

When she expressed her feelings about feeling attacked by you how did you respond?

My guess is you're not on the same page so any conversation about future intentions will be met with her attempt not to talk about it and reacting in an "avoidant" way - doesn't mean she is generally this way.  If you two aren't on the same page and it's not progressing towards being on the same page I'd cut my losses and give up the blissful sex/romantic times.

Actually, the confusing part is that she has initiated conversations about our future. I don’t know if she actually freaks out after she gets vulnerable or what happens, but when we are together, it’s great. When I leave, things change and that is how it’s mostly always been. I have no idea why but it has always felt really confusing to me - that hot and cold thing.