Boyfriend gets mad/distant when I talk about my feelings

[imnotokay]

33 minutes ago, Andrina said:

This really rings of childishness. Happy, smiling, a joy to be around when he's holding a yummy ice cream cone and riding on a roller coaster. Pouting or taking a tantrum when he has to pick up his toys.

Romances can only happen with adults who act like adults.

How to break up? Ask you if you can drop by his house. Pack up his things and put them in your car. Drive there. Leave the box in your car. Go in and tell him the relationship isn't working for you. Don't get into a lot of details. They are now irrelevant. Don't accept promises of change. Tell him you brought his things. Bring them in and box up your things to take home.

Agree to no contact for closure. If he plays mind games and doesn't abide by the rules, block his number.

You have to have a spine because you're an adult and the only one who can have your own back. Good luck.

Thank you for the response! So basically, don't have a conversation about it and just tell him that I'm done?

[boltnrun]

21 minutes ago, imnotokay said:

Thank you for the response! So basically, don't have a conversation about it and just tell him that I'm done?

What would the "conversation" consist of?  You telling him AGAIN that his actions (or lack thereof) hurt you?  Like I said before, he LIKES hurting you so that won't motivate him to "change".  He isn't going to give up something he enjoys so much.

Also, he'll genuinely be confused.  He's been doing this all along and you react by chasing him, apologizing and basically allowing him to trample all over your feelings.  He won't understand why you suddenly don't want to play his stupid game anymore. 

You can tell him you've had enough of him dismissing your feelings and staying away whenever he wants to manipulate you.  You won't put up with it anymore.  He has two choices; conduct himself like a loving, equal partner who values you or lose you permanently.  Don't waver or give him a timeline to "change" in the future.  The time is NOW.  He can choose NOW.

I promise (and I've been there), you will feel much less anxious and much calmer once you remove the source of your anxiety (hint; it's him).

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, imnotokay said:

Thank you for the response! So basically, don't have a conversation about it and just tell him that I'm done?

Since he avoids anything negative, I doubt he'll want to engage, anyway. But there are several reasons being brief is the way to go.

One: he doesn't deserve a novel, after distancing himself from you and throwing you a breadcrumb text sparingly.

Two: Long discussions are for resolution. You are breaking up, not coming to an agreeable consensus to move forward, because that ship has sailed.

Three: The longer you stay and engage, the better leverage he has to try and win you back.

You have a nurturing nature, which many women possess. But that trait can make you weak when you allow someone to use you as a doormat, and giving too many chances. You already game him one chance and he blew it. Fool me once it's on you. Fool me twice it's on me.

You can do this. 2023 is your year to create the life you deserve, or to at least take steps in that direction.

[catfeeder]

I'd ask myself, if this is the most that this guy will ever offer--no less, but no more--would I stay or would I go?

If stay, then these are his limits, and that's that--no more asking for more from him.

If go, then the next question becomes, when?

We never get any time back to re-live over again. If these are your fertility years, I'd consider very carefully is THIS is what I want my future to look like.

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, imnotokay said:

So basically if I were to be infertile I would adopt - he does not want to adopt, he wants to have his own biological child. So basically at that point it is important for him to have his own child, he would have to leave what we have to get that. Thats where a lot of uncertainty comes with this future, is that he would not stick around and ride out life with me as it goes...

That's meaningful, but it is not as important as the current state of affairs:  He's not meeting any of your emotional needs, and as of now, he's not even spending any time with you.   

The question of whether adoption would be a possibility or not is a whole universe away.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Jaunty said:

The question of whether adoption would be a possibility or not is a whole universe away.

I asked this because I found it really surprising that she says she wants kids yet back when he said  this she was willing to keep seeing him knowing if she couldn't have kids adoption was not an option. (He's entitled and if she only wants bio kids that works fine but I didn't get that impression -so had she left then she wouldn't have to deal with this situation)

[Jaunty]

14 hours ago, Jaunty said:

 The question of whether adoption would be a possibility or not is a whole universe away.

I don't think I've known people who decided that they would't marry if one of them turned out to be infertile and the other one only wanted bio kids.  This would imply that people get fertility tested before planning to marry.  That probably has happened but I've never heard first hand of it.  

Generally when people are coupling up, they get to the point where they are on the same page about their feelings for each other, their values about life etc. (including kids or not) and then they get married, or move in together, whatever.   If fertility issues come up at that point, they are dealt with.

Things like "would you be willing to adopt" seem to be best discussed AFTER people have decided that they'd like to share their lives together.   When people are in this state of mind, hopefully they are inclined to look for ways to compromise and work things out.

I think that having conversations like this before people are even firmly committed to a future together is kind of off.    And I can see why this guy doesn't like to have them, especially because apparently they come up repeatedly.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

I don't think I've known people who decided that they would't marry if one of them turned out to be infertile and the other one only wanted bio kids.  This would imply that people get fertility tested before planning to marry.  That probably has happened but I've never heard first hand of it.  

Generally when people are coupling up, they get to the point where they are on the same page about their feelings for each other, their values about life etc. (including kids or not) and then they get married, or move in together, whatever.   If fertility issues come up at that point, they are dealt with.

Things like "would you be willing to adopt" seem to be best discussed AFTER people have decided that they'd like to share their lives together.   When people are in this state of mind, hopefully they are inclined to look for ways to compromise and work things out.

I think that having conversations like this before people are even firmly committed to a future together is kind of off.    And I can see why this guy doesn't like to have them, especially because apparently they come up repeatedly.

Once I was in my 30s I didn't want to try ever to change someone's mind about how far he would go to have kids or adopt "for me" so if he really wanted children then I'd presume he'd have thought about limits on that. I only dated men who were very enthusiastic about having children and not with limits like "never thought about it so if I met the right person...." or "no I don't but I can see myself changing my mind once I'm 40....." And What level of interventions/surrogacy/would he adopt etc. 

Unfortunately because of biology a woman who really wants kids and is over 30 often needs to consider all her options and if she draws the line and if so where.  I wanted kids more than anything and would have said no to fostering an older child for example, nor did I want to be  a stepmother if at all possible.  I felt I made a big mistake not doing prenatal genetic testing until after I got pregnant - 16 vials of blood and a lot of waiting for results.  It's different for men because a man might have his sperm count tested perhaps but that's unusual. It's very typical for women of childbearing age who want children to keep an eye on any health/fertility issues that might come up even if they are then single.  

I got a low level of fertility testing before we married.  We also were ready to be tested once we didn't get pregnant in a certain amount of time but then I got pregnant.  But we were both open to interventions, surrogacy and or adoption and had the $ to pursue those options. Yes we discussed all of it.

I have a friend who divorced because they agreed to have only one child and then he wanted more.  She did not.  So they are divorced, he remarried and has a child with the new wife.

[Kartoff]

 You should be able to talk about your feelings in a relationship. And your partner should be delighted you do so, as it means you are becoming closer.

Being vulnerable is the best part of a relationship, and if you cant maybe he is not the one for you.

Also the fact that you must be in your honey period and he is like this now... It will not change in the future

Anywahs I get why you cant realize he might not be a good match for you(trust me, same boat)

[indea08]

I stopped reading the responses about half way through. You got some great insight from this thread.

I just wanted to add that I was going through the exact same thing all last year. I guess I’m still not through it honestly. It has made me feel so depressed and alone. Issues kept compounding because I wasn’t able to move past them when I never felt my husband understood me. It’s no way to live, seriously, please don’t choose that.

For me, it finally came to a point where I majorly broke down and told him I need him to go to therapy to learn how to communicate, and I was not interested in talking to him until he did. He had is first session a few days later and the changes in him have been absolutely amazing. I mean, HUGE difference. 

It’s not your man’s fault that he doesn’t know how to communicate. But now that you’ve brought it to his attention, it IS his fault if he chooses not to learn and grow into a better person and partner. That’s when you have to make the call yourself, to leave.

[Lambert]

Anyone that told me I was "pestering" them, I wouldn't talk to again.  And when they talked to me, I would be mad.  

When someone is a jerk (and he is) it doesn't work to try to talk to them.  They see you as weak and willing to do whatever to keep them.  

Start focusing on yourself and your standards.  Good times, a lot laughs etc are good but love, kindness and respect are better.  Forget this guy.  The whole period comment would be enough for me to NEVER talk to him again. This tells me everything I need to know about how he really feels about women.