A fear for the future with Obese Girlfriend

[MannyO]

Hello Everyone,

I am going through an overthinking stage right now.

Background story,  I met this girl online December last year, we dated for 6 months and i broke it off with her , i found out i wasnt really attracted to her. She is  kind, sweet and every other good thing but i had no attraction for her due to her being a little bit obese and i know she has a tendency to be more obese with time, it worries me alot.

I knew it was something that worries me, so we did a few workout sessions but i was the one initiating it and all that, she claims to eat healthy food and all that but i don’t think its working well, because she is an heavy eater, she eats big, i summoned the courage and broke it off with her.

After the break up she never gave me any break, she kept pushing for us to get back, wanting to hang out and just hoping i change my mind.

After some soul searching, i knew she is a good and kind person. So i made it up with her we started dating just a month ago, i told what caused the first break up and how being healthy and being in a good shape is very important to me, i told her getting out of shape due to child birth is okay for me as i totally understand but not before child birth. 

She promise to start working out and doing more and i should give her time.

Though the situation is different because i love spending time with her but i fear for the future as she also has an history of diabetes in her family, all this issues gives me alot of worry.  i am concerned about my future kids and all that.

[Batya33]

Please let her go before you exarcebate her issues and she may get or continue an eating disorder. By the way -women who need fertility treatments to get pregnant often gain weight before getting pregnant and have a harder time losing it I'd suspect.  You're way too controlling and interfering about her weight -let her find someone who accepts her as she is.  I am thin and always have been except when I was pregnant. I dated a very obese man for about 5 months.  He decided to go on a strict diet.  I was worried about his health but was attracted to him as he was (which was surprising to me, but I was). If you feel you want her to change her body or refrain from gaining weight it's a dealbreaker.

[waffle]

6 minutes ago, MannyO said:

. . . i told her getting out of shape due to child birth is okay for me as i totally understand but not before child birth. 

That's very generous of you to give her permission.

With your perfect body and winning personality I don't understand why you can't get the hottest supermodel out there.  I hear Gisele Bundchen (sp?) is available.

She, on the other hand, needs to lose weight/get healthy FOR HERSELF and not to make some guy happy.  I will say that every time I have seen a woman lose weight, she ends up finding a better man.

[itsallgrand]

Either take someone as they are or move on. Don't try and change someone to suit what you need or want, just go find it.

 

[Batya33]

I will tell you what is effective - and not as a ploy just as a healthy give and take.  My husband stopped "power walking" for a couple of years - he used to do it with friends and we moved, we had our son you know life got in the way.  I made one suggestion once about resuming and he said please not to be like his mother -that sort of thing.  Said nothing else.  I work out daily and have for many years, worked out regularly since 1982.  A year or so later he started up again -totally on his own. 

And from time to time he'd ask me advice like -should he go exercise given the weather, or he didn't feel up to it, backache, etc - and I told him - you know I am really strict about it with myself and I default to going every single time but please don't "listen" to me- you find your own way that works for you."  Then sometimes I'd give input but very casually - but not with any motive whatsoever to sway him into exercising. 

That's the point -I am happy he exercises, I'm not thrilled with how he eats (and all I do is make sure for him and my son that there are healthy options in the fridge) - but it's never worth being "his mother".  Ever.  He's not slim or obese -he's fine - could he be "better" -I mean -sure -but I take him as he is, love him how he is.  There cannot be another way in a healthy romantic relationship.  

[reinventmyself]

People often overeat to medicate themselves.  It's not any different than an addiction.  Addicts don't typically change because others told them to do so.  They change when they get to that place personally and the desire for lasting change comes within.  Add in lifelong habits are hard to break.  People often lose weight just to return to what is considered their normal.

It's not fair for you to choose someone you hope you can mold into someone you want her to be to suit you.  You need to accept her as is.  Or decide that what you have in front of you isn't something you can handle.  If your commitment is hinged on creating a new improved version of who she is, you are seriously misguided.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, MannyO said:

, we dated for 6 months and i broke it off with her , i found out i wasnt really attracted to her. She is  kind, sweet and every other good thing but i had no attraction for her 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you're incompatible as far as lifestyle, values and goals.

You're not attracted to her so your first instinct to end things was correct. It's not ok to pity date or try to fix or change someone.

It's unfair to both of you to try to force fit this. It's unfair to both of you to use each other as a security blanket.

Set both yourselves free. This way you can find someone with your lifestyle and she can find someone who is ok with who she is.

The way things are could end up with hurt, resentment and disappoinment. Avoid that wear and tear and the heartaches by being honest with yourself.

[Kwothe28]

Why did you even get together when your "fitness goals" dont match? If you like to workout why not finding somebody who likes to workout too? Taking somebody obese just because "she is nice and good woman" isnt a solution when there is no attraction there. People often says stuff like "Oh, you should ignore physical beauty and see how somebody inner beauty is". Which is a nice saying when it comes to philosophy, but in practice you still have to actually like that somebody and be attracted to it. If she doesnt match your standard of attractivness, you should find somebody else who would.

She is not your "pet project" where you would take somebody with "good soul" and mold her to also have a good body. It doesnt work that way and in order for her to lose weight, she needs to want that. You forcing her to workout would not do a thing. Again, you are incompatible in that way, its you who likes to work out, not her. She likes to overeat. And that is fine but neither of you should stay with each other as you dont match in that way. Set her free and find somebody who you would be attracted to.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

People often overeat to medicate themselves.  It's not any different than an addiction.  Addicts don't typically change because others told them to do so.  They change when they get to that place personally and the desire for lasting change comes within.  Add in lifelong habits are hard to break.  People often lose weight just to return to what is considered their normal.

It's not fair for you to choose someone you hope you can mold into someone you want she should be to suit you.  You need to accept her as is.  Or decide that what you have in front of you isn't something you can handle.  If your commitment is hinged on creating a new improved version of who she is, you are seriously misguided.

I agree and -you know -he said she eats a lot but that's subjective - he didn't say she binges etc -maybe his past girlfriends ate too little or maybe he's hyper-focused on her portions.  

[reinventmyself]

I dated someone a few times who was a somewhat overweight.  My own personal lifestyle is rather disciplined.  I am not a gym rat by any means, but I have always eaten healthy and watched and maintained my weight my entire life.

He was handsome, kind, fun and I thought I could get past it.  It wasn't for vanity reasons but more so lifestyle differences.   

Fast fwd, 2 years later I ran into him and did not recognize him.  He had participated in some Dr prescribed fad injections and lost a considerable amount of weight.  We resumed going out on a few more 'just friendly' dates and it immediately became clear that though the injections had enabled him to lose the initial weight, the lifestyle remained the same.  Within weeks the weight was returning, along with the heavy drinking.  I could see that there wasn't going to be any lasting changes, and nothing was learned by a quick fix with no serious commitment for change.

As nice as he was, I realized we wouldn't have much in common.  It wasn't so much about the weight.  If he lacked discipline in these areas, one might assume it was lacking in other areas as well.  

I never said a thing about it.  I just observed and made my decision based on that.

[Batya33]

44 minutes ago, MannyO said:

i told her getting out of shape due to child birth is okay for me as i totally understand but not before child birth. 

Since you seem to know so much about health and fitness -I was not out of shape due to child birth or pregnancy -my body was in optimal shape for growing a human. 

My body needed extra weight to grow a human and I had to modify my exercise routine a lot especially towards the end. 

After it took me about 5 months to lose the weight (37 pounds).  My husband didn't care how long it took or whether I lost all the weight. I did.

  I was not "out of shape" after childbirth.  I was in the appropriate shape of someone who grew a human, then had a near emergency c-section and then tried to breastfeed.  I lost weight appropriately so that I would continue to be "in shape" meaning healthy.  I followed what my doctor advised - he told me when I should resume exercising at the intensity I was accustomed to, he weighed me, checked my vitals -to make sure I was in appropriate shape for a new mom. 

Was I "in shape" as compared to a woman who had not grown a human and was sculpted and slim with no c-section scar or -OMG - some like loose skin in the belly area? No.  But that's an inane comparison.  Please consider what your personal standards of "in shape" and "out of shape" are. 

Some women will want to have a Mommy Makeover -it's a specific kind of plastic surgery from what I've heard -some women will wear spanx or similar to hide any remnants of childbirth or hide holiday overindulgence - they will look "in shape". Some women will hire a personal trainer and/or go on one of those crazy MLM smoothie diets.  It's totally fine if you want a woman who wants to look in shape -as compared to like a Beachbody ad -at all times.  Find her.  Don't try to remold someone who's having none of it.  She's having none of it.  

[reinventmyself]

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree and -you know -he said she eats a lot but that's subjective - he didn't say she binges etc -maybe his past girlfriends ate too little or maybe he's hyper-focused on her portions.  

But he did use the word obese a few times.  Just going on that

[MissCanuck]

Don’t bother with this, OP. 

You are going to find it an uphill battle to be attracted to her if you aren’t already there. The kind of lifestyle change necessary to maintain weight loss is incredibly difficult, especially if she’s not already naturally inclined toward fitness and healthy eating. 

I’m also a very fit and active person, and I maintain a healthy lifestyle and good eating habits and nutrition. It’s just what makes me happy and I love working out. I wouldn’t necessarily expect my partner to follow my habits, but I also wouldn’t date someone whose lifestyle Is fundamentally opposite of my own. I would simply respect that we aren’t very compatible and keep moving.

She might be a lovely person but it’s not wise to hinge a whole a relationship on who she might (or might not) become someday. Kindly let her go. 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

Just now, reinventmyself said:

But he did use the word obese a few times.  Just going on that

Yes -but I mean - so - he might be focused on how much she's eating since she is overweight -meaning he thinks she should eat much smaller portions to lose weight but he's not her doctor and for all he knows she balances it with smaller portions at other times.  I totally hear you and by the way your story about your guy you dated - fascinating and I hope it's helpful to the OP.

[DarkCh0c0]

Only date people you respect and to whom you are attracted. Those you're not attracted to are NOT partner potential. I get that you're desperate and you probably don't have a lot of options, but don't keep this up. It's going to end again for the same reason.

[MannyO]

43 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Only date people you respect and to whom you are attracted. Those you're not attracted to are NOT partner potential. I get that you're desperate and you probably don't have a lot of options, but don't keep this up. It's going to end again for the same reason.

Thank you. 

[MannyO]

I appreciate all the comments, everyone of them. I just needed some clarity. 

Thanks everyone. 

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, MannyO said:

I knew it was something that worries me, so we did a few workout sessions but i was the one initiating it and all that, she claims to eat healthy food and all that but i don’t think its working well, because she is an heavy eater, she eats big, i summoned the courage and broke it off with her.

After the break up she never gave me any break, she kept pushing for us to get back, wanting to hang out and just hoping i change my mind.

After some soul searching, i knew she is a good and kind person. So i made it up with her we started dating just a month ago, i told what caused the first break up and how being healthy and being in a good shape is very important to me, i told her getting out of shape due to child birth is okay for me as i totally understand but not before child birth. 

You do know... you can't 'change her'.  Is up to her to do on her own.  So, you either accept or you don't.  I feel you don't.

She now knows how YOU see this. 

Then be done with this.. was only 6 mos.  

Obviously you prefer women of a different sort.

[greendots]

As others have suggested, her being overweight right now is not the issue. The problem is that her lifestyle and yours don't seem compatible. You want to be with someone who values eating healthy and being in good shape.

Sometimes a medical issue can cause weight gain, and unless you are being treated for that eating healthy doesn't have much of an impact on weight loss. Just throwing it out there.

[1a1a]

If you honestly feel like you would be put off by further weight gain then end this.
 

She might want to shift some weight, she might commit to exercising more regularly and eating more strategically and she might even lose some body fat (especially if she starts strength training.) But her body might work against her, she could break a leg and be unable to work out for a while, she might get really busy with work. She might get really busy with childcare! I think if you can’t love her at any size your love is conditional and she will sense this and the trust will be eroded. (Also it’s not great that she pressured you into getting back together. )

[Tinydance]

The main issue I see here isn't even the lifestyle incompatibility or diabetes or your future children. What I think the issue is, is that you're not actually attracted to her the way she is. And you don't know whether she will lose weight in future because there's no guarantee of that. I imagine on top of her binge eating she also has a bad metabolism and that's what makes her obese. I say that because I have friends who eat badly or drink a lot of alcohol but they're actually slim. So even though their lifestyle is not healthy but they obviously have good genes. In her case she doesn't have good genes and she'd probably need to be on a very strict diet her whole life or have gastric bypass surgery or something like that. She would have to put in a huge amount of work and probably money even just to be in this relationship. Which to me doesn't seem fair on her or on you. 

Also you've never exactly been attracted to her so I think it's hard to know if you'd even be attracted to her at all. She might lose some weight and then you might find you're still not into her. Because maybe the weight isn't actually the only problem.

[lostandhurt]

In the future if you are not feeling it after a few dates then it isn't going to happen most of the time.  6 months is a long time to date before realizing you are not attracted to the person.  Next time be honest with yourself and just admit that she is not your physical type and move on.

 Even if someone volunteers to change for you it isn't a good idea because it didn't come from their will to change, it came from a desire to keep the other person in their lives. This is no different than smoking, drug use, alcohol abuse or any other deal breaker.

Don't feel bad that her weight or body type isn't for you as it happens all the time every day.  Some may call you shallow but it is way better than molding someone into the person you want instead of being who they really are.

 Break up with her in as nice a way as you can think of but do not mention her weight.

Lost

[Nebraskagirl14]

On 1/4/2023 at 9:29 AM, waffle said:

That's very generous of you to give her permission.

With your perfect body and winning personality I don't understand why you can't get the hottest supermodel out there.  I hear Gisele Bundchen (sp?) is available.

She, on the other hand, needs to lose weight/get healthy FOR HERSELF and not to make some guy happy.  I will say that every time I have seen a woman lose weight, she ends up finding a better man.

You win! 😅

[Nebraskagirl14]

On 1/4/2023 at 9:18 AM, MannyO said:

Hello Everyone,

I am going through an overthinking stage right now.

Background story,  I met this girl online December last year, we dated for 6 months and i broke it off with her , i found out i wasnt really attracted to her. She is  kind, sweet and every other good thing but i had no attraction for her due to her being a little bit obese and i know she has a tendency to be more obese with time, it worries me alot.

I knew it was something that worries me, so we did a few workout sessions but i was the one initiating it and all that, she claims to eat healthy food and all that but i don’t think its working well, because she is an heavy eater, she eats big, i summoned the courage and broke it off with her.

After the break up she never gave me any break, she kept pushing for us to get back, wanting to hang out and just hoping i change my mind.

After some soul searching, i knew she is a good and kind person. So i made it up with her we started dating just a month ago, i told what caused the first break up and how being healthy and being in a good shape is very important to me, i told her getting out of shape due to child birth is okay for me as i totally understand but not before child birth. 

She promise to start working out and doing more and i should give her time.

Though the situation is different because i love spending time with her but i fear for the future as she also has an history of diabetes in her family, all this issues gives me alot of worry.  i am concerned about my future kids and all that.

You're acting like you're doing her a massive favor being with her. Good lord, man! Let her go and find someone that will love her for WHO SHE IS. You have every right to go find someone that you are more attracted to, but staying with her and pressuring her to fit into some mold is really gross, sorry. Do her a favor and let her go! I have a great friend who is quite a bit overweight and she has fallen in love with a man who loves her for exactly who she is, weight and all. Give this woman that chance and go be with someone you better connect with and someone you don't feel the need to change. If you have a pattern of feeling people need to change for you, you might want to look into therapy and the possibility that you are codependent.

[catfeeder]

On 1/4/2023 at 12:18 PM, MannyO said:

i found out i wasnt really attracted to her. She is  kind, sweet and every other good thing but i had no attraction for her

This is all you need to know, whether it's after 6 months or a first date.

People aren't projects. Either they are a good match for you, or they are not.

If not, don't make another date. Period.

We never get any wasted time back for do-overs. Don't waste your time, and don't waste hers--especially if these are her fertility years.