Frustrated with Friendships

[Alex39]

Over the years I've had ebb and flow with my friends. I just feel unsupported sometimes and honestly forgotten. I'm in a girl group of 5, including myself,but I feel much closer to two of the girls. They've been really great friends to me and very positive and genuinely concerned for my well being. Two of the other girls, I feel like they just have friends to look like they have friends. Like they are all about themselves and their life and they don't really care about me.  Whenever I say anything about my life good or bad, I barely get a response, no support, no sympathy, and I just feel like a loser. The other two girls are positive and supportive, even in my darkest times. I'd be fine cutting off the two whom I don't feel close to, but we do everything in a group and it's hard because the other girls include them in everything. 

How do I go about this? The one girl I'd like to cut off is the most recent bride I spoke about. 

[Coily]

Well the easy answer is to just be as indifferent to them, as they are you. Find polite ways to excuse yourself from group activities that you have no interest in.

The Socially acceptable answer, well I have no idea as I tend to avoid people I'm not fond of within friend circles. I refuse to invite people I don't care for to things I organize, and limit my exposure to them when others organize get togethers. But I have a reputation amongst my friends to not suffer fools lightly.

[Lambert]

Yeah. As @Coily explained be indifferent. I don't think it will serve you well to officially end any associaassociation with them, if you want to be included in the group.  

I think its fairly common when in a group of friends to be closer to some more than others. 

It's ok to like not someone, to think they are not a worthy friend and to keep your distance while still being polite. You don't have to share yourself and situations with them.  You don't have to comment on their stuff or go out of your way either.  

 

[Cherylyn]

If you have to belong to a group in order to do group activities, remain peaceful and polite to the 3 indifferent women while focusing on the other two kind women. 

If possible, break away from the group and form your own friendships with these two kind women.  You don't have to be lumped into a group all the time. 

 

 

[Jaunty]

Sorry.  But I think you are very negative.  

You are very close with 2 girlfriends.  That is great.  A lot more than many people are able to claim.  And these girls care about your well being.

You choose to spend a lot more of your post complaining about the shortcomings of the other 2 girls.  We already know how scornful you are of the bride.  And neither of these two act like they care about what is going on with you.

Well ... how much do you act like you care about what is going on with them?  I'm asking seriously.  You don't think much of them.  I can't imagine that they feel cared for and supported by you.

That said, I don't think you can afford to alienate yourself from those two, because obviously they are close with the two that you like.  Your best option is to try to get past your negative feeling for them, unless you want to be the odd woman out.  

[MissCanuck]

You complain about your friends an awful lot. 

Maybe they realize this and have distanced themselves from you. 

[Kwothe28]

I dont think anyone has a group of friends where they are equally liked and supported by everyone. Its just the way it is, you are better with some, not that good with some etc.

As far as your problem goes, I think it would solve by itself. Meaning that you and friends who you dont mash up with, usually distance in time by itself. To aquitance status. There is no need for drastic measures, this is not a break up of a relationship and you would maybe still have to see those people when you all get together. So, just realize that they are not your closest friends like other 2 girls, and act accordingly.

[Seraphim]

This is life. We are not liked  and supported by everyone . 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Batya33]

Agree with the others and want to add -time to expand your horizons.

On your specific concerns, to add - what kinds of things do you share "about you" that don't require "support" or "sympathy?" Do you share interesting activities you're doing, or might want to do, a great TV show you just watched or a book you're reading, a funny anecdote about your recent commute to work? How often are you looking for support or a sounding board so you can say I mean vent? 

I'm 56 and forced myself to do so in the last month by joining a biweekly social activity involving walking in our local park with parents from my son's new school.  I've connected with a few people already and enjoyed the activity.  I also trained to volunteer at his school and did one shift.  Separately my son and I finished most of our training to volunteer at a local animal shelter and even though I'm tired and busy I scheduled our in person training for the next few weeks so we can go and do shifts.

And yesterday I reconnected with a women's networking group I was active in for a few years pre-covid, told the new president that honestly I really am only available for daytime activities and she promised to let me know about the next lunch plan or similar activity.   

I am sharing about "me" because I have lots of responsibilities just like you, I noticed I was in a social lull even a rut mostly due to pandemic and I'm 25 years older than you and yet I am out there and taking action to get out of the lull despite my challenges and responsibilities.  

I think you're fortunate to have the friends you do and I cannot believe you're this focused on your "group" and at your age and stage of life you're not out there forming new connections.  If I can do it so can you.  

[SooSad33]

Then make yourself less available to the 'group' interactions and try to hang more with the two you do actually vibe with.

You are allowed to do some things with just them, I'm sure.  

[catfeeder]

You don’t need to do anything about this. If they don’t care about you, they won’t pursue you, so the break is completed if you don’t pursue them either.

You can be kind whenever your paths cross, just as you would be with strangers. No skin off your back to do that.

Otherwise, pursue each of the other friends one on one to avoid invitations being extended to the ones you don’t like. It still might happen on occasion, and you can cross those bridges on a case by case to decide whether you’ll go ahead with any plans that have been altered, or not.

Meanwhile, start taking steps to expand your own social life to include new people to avoid a small focus on just the 2 friends. 

[OdliDPrincess]

I don't believe anyone has a group of friends where everyone likes and supports them equally. It's just the way it is; you're better at some things than others.

[Jibralta]

On 10/18/2022 at 7:55 PM, Alex39 said:

I'm in a girl group of 5, including myself,but I feel much closer to two of the girls. They've been really great friends to me and very positive and genuinely concerned for my well being. Two of the other girls, I feel like they just have friends to look like they have friends. Like they are all about themselves and their life and they don't really care about me.  Whenever I say anything about my life good or bad, I barely get a response, no support, no sympathy, and I just feel like a loser. The other two girls are positive and supportive, even in my darkest times. I'd be fine cutting off the two whom I don't feel close to, but we do everything in a group and it's hard because the other girls include them in everything. 

I think it's normal to have different degrees of closeness with different people, even if you all hang out together as a group sometimes. Being part of a friend-group doesn't mean that you all have to change your personal preferences. 

If you absolutely can't stand them, then don't hang out as part of the group. Start a new group with the two girls you get along with, and others that you enjoy spending time with. 

[Wiseman2]

On 10/18/2022 at 7:55 PM, Alex39 said:

 Whenever I say anything about my life good or bad, I barely get a response, no support, no sympathy, and I just feel like a loser. The other two girls are positive and supportive, even in my darkest times.

Just step away from people who irk you. That means not confiding in them and simply being polite if they are friends with other people you know.

You don't need a posse of besties. Just learn to identify acquaintances from real friends keeping in mind people grow apart, particularly when their lives change such as getting married, having families, etc.

Also consider taking some classes, courses joining some groups and clubs and volunteering to broaden your horizons and make friends with more likeminded people rather than hanging on to people (who it sounds like you hate) for old times sake.