Move countries before engagement?

[Blacksheep09]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and he wants me to move to the USA from Canada with him before being engaged. He says he needs to see that I'll come with him no matter what. My stance is, I want to do things in the right order, if he wants to marry me like he says he does then why can't we just get engaged first? 

He's moved for me before (but a job was involved) and says he made the move for me and our relationship and wants me to recognize that he's made decisions for us because he feels like I don't acknowledge that. 

Advice please 

[Cherylyn]

Don't ever be put to the test.  Do things in order.  Get engaged,  get a job in the USA, get married and then move to the USA in that order.  Promises are weak and no guarantee that his or your plans will transpire in your favor. 

He could very well renege on his promise to marry you and then what?  You're stuck in the USA and your plans will become a hot mess. 

Do it in order or no deal.  That's my advice.

[Seraphim]

I would be married first. Period. I wouldn’t put myself at risk of being dumped in another country with no job and nowhere to go. 

[Kwothe28]

Is there a plan behind it? Meaning for you to get a job and/or to be engaged/married? Definitely dont go if there isnt a firm plan behind it. Meaning to at least have a job ready there to fall back to if the relationship goes south. I mean that even if you get engaged. You never know what could happen for sure so you better have a job ready first.

As for engagement, if he is adamant about that, meaning first living together and then engagement, somebody would have to compromise there. Either you would have to wait for him a bit or him would need to put a ring on your finger. If you cant make a compromise, then its maybe better to go separate ways. 

What is his reasoning behind postponing engagement? Is it just to see if you would come? Or wants you to see how you would function together?

Because if he just wants to see if you would come and as some sort of test, that is a very immature way of doing all this and you should reconsider that kind of relationship.

[tattoobunnie]

1 hour ago, Blacksheep09 said:

He says he needs to see that I'll come with him no matter what.

I'm impressed that a dog was able to join this forum, and can type.

Joking.  You are not a dog, and should not be treated as such.  Your life is on the line, and it should not be test of devotion.  If you don't have a solid plan as in engaged, picked a date, and planning a wedding, *** would you move.  There are so many logistics involved.  NO WAY!

[Coily]

Just thinking logistically, this sounds like a bad idea. what if one or both of you can't get a work visa? What if there's a complication with the marriage being recognized due to being foreign nationals? Sure these can be glanced past, but it really puts you both in the lurch if something gets flagged by a bored bureaucrat.

I would not recommend moving prior to a solid commitment, and a mutual one no just "hey follow me." Now I can, sort of, get that since he has moved in the past, he wants to see if it's a one sided thing; but an engagement could ensure the mutual commitment.

I would advise a good long frank discussion about the move logistics, and see if you can steer the conversation a little.

 

[itsallgrand]

I'd be doubting if I want to even get engaged to this guy after him saying this. This isn't a game, where you need to hop or else he won't be pleased. He could shove it. He should want you to feel secure and what is good for you, not only him. Putting yourself in a needlessly vulnerable position to please him...I'd be thinking " oh f off " . 

[moodindigo91]

What's his rationale here? I don't see why you moving before or after engagement would really make a difference. I think he's kicking the can. As in, he is either unsure that he actually wants to marry you but is also doesn't think he wants to break up. You're 3 years into the relationship now, you need to figure out if you have the same path in mind for the future and if not, drop him immediately. No compromises. You shouldn't be arguing over whether you're going to get engaged. Engagements should come from the heart, and it should be a decision he feels certain about. He sounds super uncertain right now. That's a sign to move on, in my opinion. 

[Cherylyn]

Don't move, get engaged nor marry a man who cuts deals with you beforehand.  It should not come as any surprise nor shock should he renege on whatever he told you before you went through the trouble and major hassles to uproot from Canada to the USA. 

He wants you to prove your love for him by moving to the USA?  What type of thinking is that?  🤔

He's made decisions for both of you by moving initially? 

If I were you, I'd reconsider having a relationship with this guy.  He sounds cracked.  He is controlling like a dictator.  It's either his way or the highway?  I would choose the highway. 

There's something off with your guy.  Any man who gives you ultimatums should be an automatic reject.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Blacksheep09 said:

 together for 3 years and he wants me to move to the USA from Canada with him before being engaged. 

He's moved for me before.

Do not move anywhere together until you are married. Engagement means zero, legally. Also if you move, you'll have a ton of hassles with jobs, visas, etc.

His excuse about "moved for you before" sounds like a sh it test to avoid marriage. It's three years so traipsing around the world as BF/GF seems silly at this point.

[smackie9]

So his stance is that you have to prove you are willing to relocate. Why does he not trust you enough to invest in an engagement? 

[DarkCh0c0]

5 hours ago, Blacksheep09 said:

He says he needs to see that I'll come with him no matter what.

What?!?

Girl, run. This man is off.

You are worthy of love and marriage without having to "prove it" or go with him wherever he wants. A healthy partner would find a compromise and would naturally make you feel worthy. He's not meeting you half-way, and you would be making a very risky move that could leave you dependent on him.

Time to reconsider whether it's all THAT worth it, and possibly consider finding someone who wants the same things as you and has your best interest in his heart.

[Batya33]

I relocated for my husband- and knew I would have to, most likely, once we started dating again -we talked about it and I agreed for his career I would relocate.  Even though we were very committed to each other and it was relocating within the US- I don't think it occurred to either of us to do so until we were married. 

First because it meant I had to try to transfer offices within my company and/or get a new job (both complicating factors) and in general -I mean - it's just not a great idea to uproot your life for someone else unless you're seriously committed/married.  Sure if a person was going to move there anyway or has an independent place to live/support oneself it's fine but otherwise -relocating like that is a huge commitment!

I officially relocated when we'd been married a couple of months and had a newborn.  He never expected me to relocate before this or as a way to "prove" my commitment to him -I don't like that part of your situation at all.  

[Andrina]

You may as well be living in a sand castle with him at high tide. 

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Blacksheep09 said:

  

 

17 hours ago, Blacksheep09 said:

Move countries before engagement?

What he's actually saying is move countries Instead of engagement.

If he doesn't have a job visa and place lined up in the US, he's just blowing smoke at your marriage proposal.  He doesn't want to get married and this is yet another stall tactic and you know it.

[boltnrun]

Either your boyfriend also happened to post here or it's one person trying to get "different perspectives" by pretending to be each person.

Which is it?