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RKO
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15 minutes ago, gamon said:

You can change your mind at any time. There's no need to make a decision now.

You have a lot to process.

 

I wish that was true but she plans to tell her family after the scan, my decision is based on what to tell them about who the father is, if I say I don’t want involvement the she is telling them father isn’t relevant 

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I think every feeling you have is valid.  It's a lot to unpack and saying you don't want to be a father at this time in your life is a very honest thing to say.  It doesn't make you a bad guy.   I'd could lecture you about birth control, but it's a little pointless at this point.

It's still all very new and no doubt you will ride the waves of conflicting emotions for the next 8 months and more.  Feeling the resistance is part of the shock and at this point is pretty much to be expected.  If you weren't shook by all of this, I'd think that was odd.

Give yourself some time to process this.  You may surprise yourself.

Life doesn't always go as planned.  You may surprise yourself again and find out this child is the best thing that ever happened to you.  But you won't feel that at this very moment.   

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23 minutes ago, RKO said:

I wish that was true but she plans to tell her family after the scan, my decision is based on what to tell them about who the father is, if I say I don’t want involvement the she is telling them father isn’t relevant 

A sonogram shows A preganacy, not paternity. You're getting all worked up over lack of facts. The truth right now is she thinks you may be the father.  The Only way to prove paternity is DNA testing. Stop talking to her. What her family thinks is her problem.

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15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

A sonogram shows A preganacy, not paternity. You're getting all worked up over lack of facts. The truth right now is she thinks you may be the father.  The Only way to prove paternity is DNA testing. Stop talking to her. What her family thinks is her problem.

True, but the due date will be key, if it does line up with when we had sex then I think I’d be inclined to believe until actual dna test. However if it’s 2 or more weeks due either side then alarm bells will ring.

 

Also she’s says 100% the baby is mine. I know it’s her word but I can’t see her lying about this and wanting to ruin someone’s life if she wasn’t sure

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She could have had a whole bunch of one night stands with different guys within days of the one she had with you, she could have been a walking bucket of sperm for weeks before and after you had your tryst with her.

You hardly know this person and you are giving her way too much credit and choosing a 2 week window is completely arbitrary.

 

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59 minutes ago, RKO said:

I am here for peoples opinions on both sides tbf and knew I’d get some abuse like this.

it definitely seems to be quite sexist some of the feedback, but again I expected that.

Are you kidding me with words like ABUSE and SEXIST?!

ANSWER THE QUESTION THAT I POSED TO YOU. Why was it solely the WOMAN'S responsibility to prevent pregnancy?!

IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT SHE WENT ALONG WITH IT. Why were you CASUALLY suggesting a really invasive, potentially painful procedure like INSERTION OF AN IUD, as opposed to the much simpler option of you wearing a condom?!

Why is YOUR pleasure more important than what could potentially be a painful, invasive procedure for her?!

You're a grown adult who understands how pregnancy happens. YOU KNEW THE RISK. It is unbelievably irresponsible, selfish, and callous to place the entire responsibility for preventing pregnancy on the woman, especially since you KNEW that you didn't want to become a father.

The coddling and infantilization of this grown man in this thread is really gross.

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The only way to know for certain is a paternity test. DNA, not just blood typing.

If she's prone to drunken one night stands then it's possible she had another one. It's also possible she didn't.

A friend of mine became pregnant from a drunken one night stand at a party. She too knew the guy casually for years (it was a HS reunion so they'd known one another in school). She too decided to have the baby. The baby's father paid child support and saw the child intermittently. By all accounts the child grew up well adjusted because her mother (and father) were honest with her. And also because she was assured she was loved.

I'm glad you're going to be stepping up financially if you are indeed the child's father.

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24 minutes ago, gamon said:

She could have had a whole bunch of one night stands with different guys within days of the one she had with you, she could have been a walking bucket of sperm for weeks before and after you had your tryst with her.

You hardly know this person and you are giving her way too much credit and choosing a 2 week window is completely arbitrary.

 

She could have, I’ve known her for a while and she has been known to do that but who knows this time.

Not sure if mentioned but I know for a fact she went to meet a man she met on holiday a few weeks before me but said nothing happened, 

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26 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

Are you kidding me with words like ABUSE and SEXIST?!

ANSWER THE QUESTION THAT I POSED TO YOU. Why was it solely the WOMAN'S responsibility to prevent pregnancy?!

IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT SHE WENT ALONG WITH IT. Why were you CASUALLY suggesting a really invasive, potentially painful procedure like INSERTION OF AN IUD, as opposed to the much simpler option of you wearing a condom?!

Why is YOUR pleasure more important than what could potentially be a painful, invasive procedure for her?!

You're a grown adult who understands how pregnancy happens. YOU KNEW THE RISK. It is unbelievably irresponsible, selfish, and callous to place the entire responsibility for preventing pregnancy on the woman, especially since you KNEW that you didn't want to become a father.

The coddling and infantilization of this grown man in this thread is really gross.

I chose not to reply to you as your criticism isn’t constructive in any sort of way and you aren’t offering advise of what to do now. You have an opinion which you are totally entitled to but I don’t have the time or energy to argue about this, I’m here for the advice and help.

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26 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

The only way to know for certain is a paternity test. DNA, not just blood typing.

If she's prone to drunken one night stands then it's possible she had another one. It's also possible she didn't.

A friend of mine became pregnant from a drunken one night stand at a party. She too knew the guy casually for years (it was a HS reunion so they'd known one another in school). She too decided to have the baby. The baby's father paid child support and saw the child intermittently. By all accounts the child grew up well adjusted because her mother (and father) were honest with her. And also because she was assured she was loved.

I'm glad you're going to be stepping up financially if you are indeed the child's father.

In her younger days she was, now I’m not so sure, as you say a possibility, she also went to meet a man she met on holiday, I think, a week or 2 before we had sex, she said nothing happened but you never know. 
she said she had a period since then but again you never know and when I asked how regular her cycles were I got a “not sure” back. Which I find odd as all my girl pals know on the dot when it’s coming and can’t do certain activities 

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Not sure if this helps. I was pregnant one time. I knew the 2-3 day window when we conceived. I knew this 100%. When I went in my 9th week for my first sonogram my date of conception was listed as two weeks earlier -I was told basically -sorry if TMI! they go with the date of the last menstrual cycle.  I was so confused because I knew!  But I guess it's standardized.  So I'm not sure if a sonogram would give much relevant info.

Oh and my cycles didn't become regular until age 40.  Before that I was on the pill for some number of years and when I wasn't they were never regular. I often felt it starting but sometimes total surprise.

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2 minutes ago, RKO said:

In her younger days she was, now I’m not so sure, as you say a possibility, she also went to meet a man she met on holiday, I think, a week or 2 before we had sex, she said nothing happened but you never know. 
she said she had a period since then but again you never know and when I asked how regular her cycles were I got a “not sure” back. Which I find odd as all my girl pals know on the dot when it’s coming and can’t do certain activities 

Even more reasons to make sure a paternity test is done. She sounds all over the place and it's unknown whether she actually slept with someone else or not.

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13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Not sure if this helps. I was pregnant one time. I knew the 2-3 day window when we conceived. I knew this 100%. When I went in my 9th week for my first sonogram my date of conception was listed as two weeks earlier -I was told basically -sorry if TMI! they go with the date of the last menstrual cycle.  I was so confused because I knew!  But I guess it's standardized.  So I'm not sure if a sonogram would give much relevant info.

Oh and my cycles didn't become regular until age 40.  Before that I was on the pill for some number of years and when I wasn't they were never regular.

Was this in us?

was your prediction or theirs right when you delivered
 

here in uk it’s a 12 week scan, all foetus develop at same rate in this time, they measure the size and if it’s say a week etc further/behind development schedule then they alter due date accordingly.

This is my initial hope that the dates don’t match. Only issue is I’m not at the scan so she could lie…

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Just now, RKO said:

Was this in us?
 

here in uk it’s a 12 week scan, all foetus develop at same rate in this time, they measure the size and if it’s say a week etc further/behind development schedule then they alter due date accordingly.

This is my initial hope that the dates don’t match. Only issue is I’m not at the scan so she could lie…

No they do not all develop at the same rate.  That is untrue.  This was US.  I was high risk and had no gyno unfortunately so I found one and earliest to get me in was in 9th week.  These days it's often earlier.  

It doesn't matter if dates do not match up -there is so much unknown. Paternity test only way IMO

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10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yep, absolutely get a paternity test. Again, not a blood type test but actual DNA. It will cost you a couple hundred dollars but better than paying child support for a child that is not yours.

Is that the mouth swab ones? I’ve seen them here in the uk 

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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No they do not all develop at the same rate.  That is untrue.  This was US.  I was high risk and had no gyno unfortunately so I found one and earliest to get me in was in 9th week.  These days it's often earlier.  

It doesn't matter if dates do not match up -there is so much unknown. Paternity test only way IMO

And whos estimation of arrival date was the closest when the baby arrived?

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1 minute ago, RKO said:

Is that the mouth swab ones? I’ve seen them here in the uk 

Get a blood and mouth swab DNA test. Don't go cheap on this, it's too important.

Google DNA services and call to ask what they have available. 

You can't get the test now (obviously) but you can be prepared for when the child is born.

If the woman refuses you can get a court order demanding a DNA paternity test before you pay her any child support.

And if you're absolutely sure you don't want children ever, get a vasectomy. If you want kids in the future use condoms with spermicide every single time you have sex until you're ready to start trying for children.

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Just now, RKO said:

And whos estimation of arrival date was the closest when the baby arrived?

I mean I never focused on that.  He was 9 days early based on their standard date of conception.  I was given a due date and obviously it can vary two weeks either way.

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And if you're absolutely sure you don't want children ever, get a vasectomy. If you want kids in the future use condoms with spermicide every single time you have sex until you're ready to start trying for children.

Not foolproof and with his attitude seems far too risky. I'd avoid casual sex if I were him and only have sex if he's willing to take the risk of being an involved father or if woman is sterile/been through menopause.

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I Googled it. Here's what I found:

"How much is a paternity DNA test UK?

Paternity DNA test price – £99 (next day results), £149 (same day results)."

Also if the woman wants to declare a man the father of the child she has to file a document in court and the court "may" order a DNA test. 

I'd just go ahead and pay for it yourself and if she refuses then take it up in court.

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3 hours ago, RKO said:

I wish that was true but she plans to tell her family after the scan, my decision is based on what to tell them about who the father is, if I say I don’t want involvement the she is telling them father isn’t relevant 

It's not going to stay a secret, man. It would naive of both of you to assume so. 

Too many people already apparently know you two slept together that night. They are going to easily make an educated guess, and fingers will be pointed right at you. Keep that in mind and accept that even if you choose not to be involved, your identity will more than likely come out at some point. And it may even be because she gets tired of the questions, and she reveals it. Or the child looks a lot like you, too much for mutual friends to pretend they don't see the resemblance. 

Whatever you do, please don't operate under the assumption that this child's paternity will forever be your secret. 

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5 hours ago, Tinydance said:

OK hang on, the woman actually literally did exactly the same thing as him. They are completely equal in this. And it looks like she knows she actually messed up because she told him she wants the baby by herself and he doesn't need to be involved. She actually said that to him. I think it's normal not to want a child with someone you basically don't know. Or maybe he doesn't even want kids. He messed up bad and the woman did just the same. That doesn't make him a huge monster.

Yes exactly! It takes two to tango! OP didn’t force her, she agreed and didn’t use protection. The blame is on both. It is unfair to go for a man’s jugular in situations like this when the woman is fully grown and fully aware herself.

 

x

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