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RKO
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3 hours ago, Wonderstruck said:

Are you kidding me with words like ABUSE and SEXIST?!

ANSWER THE QUESTION THAT I POSED TO YOU. Why was it solely the WOMAN'S responsibility to prevent pregnancy?!

IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT SHE WENT ALONG WITH IT. Why were you CASUALLY suggesting a really invasive, potentially painful procedure like INSERTION OF AN IUD, as opposed to the much simpler option of you wearing a condom?!

Why is YOUR pleasure more important than what could potentially be a painful, invasive procedure for her?!

You're a grown adult who understands how pregnancy happens. YOU KNEW THE RISK. It is unbelievably irresponsible, selfish, and callous to place the entire responsibility for preventing pregnancy on the woman, especially since you KNEW that you didn't want to become a father.

The coddling and infantilization of this grown man in this thread is really gross.

Wonder,

 

You are entitled to your opinion, and the OP did say he wasn’t in the right, but this is an advice forum and you can’t “type shout” abuse and insults. It’s not going to add much surely? 
 

Come on. He won’t be the first person or the last. Life happens, people make mistakes. Have you never made one? 
 

What’s done is done now. A shake down isn’t going to change anything, it’s useless. They both agreed to not use contraception in the heat of the moment; they are both at fault. I am sure the OP is paying for this much more than we all could fathom, unless we have personally been in his situation before.

 

x

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I didn't "blame" the man who impregnated me. It was equally both our responsibility. But I'd suggested he get a vasectomy since he said he didn't want anymore kids and he said no way was he going to let anyone "cut his nuts". And he refused to use condoms because apparently sex doesn't feel as good. He said it was "the girl's" responsibility to use birth control (yes, he referred to grown women as "girls"). I took BC pills but since I didn't have insurance I relied on the free clinic. I couldn't get an appointment for several weeks so I suggested we hold off until I could get back on the pills. Of course he wasn't on board with that either because God forbid he go without sex for 30 days. And it's my fault because I should have insisted but I didn't want to lose him (🙄). 

I never became pregnant while on BC pills. The three times I have been pregnant were all when I wasn't on any birth control.

Anyway, I tell you all this because it's 100% true that both parties are responsible. And that both parties are responsible for providing for this new life you two have created, whether you intended to or not. (IF, in fact this is your child).

 

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3 hours ago, RKO said:

True, but the due date will be key, if it does line up with when we had sex then I think I’d be inclined to believe until actual dna test.

 

Also she’s says 100% the baby is mine. 

Nope. You have zero idea who else she has been with for the weeks surrounding your encounter. Do Not get sucked into daddy sono pics. Stop communicating with her. She is ruining her own life. 

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55 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It's not going to stay a secret, man. It would naive of both of you to assume so. 

Too many people already apparently know you two slept together that night. They are going to easily make an educated guess, and fingers will be pointed right at you. Keep that in mind and accept that even if you choose not to be involved, your identity will more than likely come out at some point. And it may even be because she gets tired of the questions, and she reveals it. Or the child looks a lot like you, too much for mutual friends to pretend they don't see the resemblance. 

Whatever you do, please don't operate under the assumption that this child's paternity will forever be your secret. 

Yes I agree with this 100% which is why I am going to tell my mum. She is the only one who’s opinion I would care about, if friends don’t agree then so be it. As long as she is in the know that’s most important thing to me

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35 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I didn't "blame" the man who impregnated me. It was equally both our responsibility. But I'd suggested he get a vasectomy since he said he didn't want anymore kids and he said no way was he going to let anyone "cut his nuts". And he refused to use condoms because apparently sex doesn't feel as good. He said it was "the girl's" responsibility to use birth control (yes, he referred to grown women as "girls"). I took BC pills but since I didn't have insurance I relied on the free clinic. I couldn't get an appointment for several weeks so I suggested we hold off until I could get back on the pills. Of course he wasn't on board with that either because God forbid he go without sex for 30 days. And it's my fault because I should have insisted but I didn't want to lose him (🙄). 

I never became pregnant while on BC pills. The three times I have been pregnant were all when I wasn't on any birth control.

Anyway, I tell you all this because it's 100% true that both parties are responsible. And that both parties are responsible for providing for this new life you two have created, whether you intended to or not. (IF, in fact this is your child).

 

What happened with you? Was he part of your child’s life at any level?

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Just now, RKO said:

Yes I agree with this 100% which is why I am going to tell my mum. She is the only one who’s opinion I would care about, if friends don’t agree then so be it. As long as she is in the know that’s most important thing to me

Your mom might be able to offer some perspective that we can't, too. She knows you better than anyone.

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21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Nope. You have zero idea who else she has been with for the weeks surrounding your encounter. Do Not get sucked into daddy sono pics. Stop communicating with her. She is ruining her own life. 

So if you were in my shoes you’d get a dna test after birth and if a match you would?

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1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

Your mom might be able to offer some perspective that we can't, too. She knows you better than anyone.

I’m sure she will, I’m 99.9% sure she would say be there, however due to the nature of it being a ONS she might be angry with it all and say walk away.

 

just as a point, if I was in a loving relationship with someone and wanted kids with that person this wouldn’t be even getting asked.

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5 minutes ago, RKO said:

What happened with you? Was he part of your child’s life at any level?

Sadly, my child didn't make it. I became seriously ill at seven weeks. I was hospitalized and was so sick they sent a priest in to give me a blessing. Basically, my kidneys were failing.

The guy didn't visit me or even call. He was too busy celebrating, not even caring that I could die as long as it meant the baby wouldn't be born.

Ridiculously, he tried to reconcile with me several times and resorted to electronically stalking me. As if I'd want anything to do with a piece of garbage like that.

I'm please that you're willing to step up financially.

But I can't stress enough, get that DNA test! Someone I know had an affair and passed her child off as her husband's for twelve years. Poor schmuck. By that time he was emotionally attached because he'd raised her as his own.

 

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15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Sadly, my child didn't make it. I became seriously ill at seven weeks. I was hospitalized and was so sick they sent a priest in to give me a blessing. Basically, my kidneys were failing.

The guy didn't visit me or even call. He was too busy celebrating, not even caring that I could die as long as it meant the baby wouldn't be born.

Ridiculously, he tried to reconcile with me several times and resorted to electronically stalking me. As if I'd want anything to do with a piece of garbage like that.

I'm please that you're willing to step up financially.

But I can't stress enough, get that DNA test! Someone I know had an affair and passed her child off as her husband's for twelve years. Poor schmuck. By that time he was emotionally attached because he'd raised her as his own.

 

I’m really sorry to hear that, I hope my questions haven’t brought back too many bad memories. Thoughts are with you x

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7 minutes ago, RKO said:

I’m really sorry to hear that, I hope my questions haven’t brought back too many bad memories. Thoughts are with you x

That's kind of you, thank you. It happened many years ago. I still think of my child that never got to be born, but my beliefs allow me to know that I'll see my child when it's time for me to leave this world.

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1 hour ago, RKO said:

I’m sure she will, I’m 99.9% sure she would say be there, however due to the nature of it being a ONS she might be angry with it all and say walk away.

 

just as a point, if I was in a loving relationship with someone and wanted kids with that person this wouldn’t be even getting asked.

Then perhaps consider abstaining unless it’s in a situation where you would want to be an involved father - your standard is it has to be a loving relationship where you want a child with that specific person. So since you know you’d be absent from a child’s life unless you felt that way perhaps not having intercourse is the right thing to do whether or not abstaining makes you happy.

I certainly know of men who would choose to be involved for the child’s sake even if they didn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with the mother. It’s fine that you are not like that but then you’re risking a repeat of this situation if you keep having sex in other situations. 

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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Then perhaps consider abstaining unless it’s in a situation where you would want to be an involved father - your standard is it has to be a loving relationship where you want a child with that specific person. So since you know you’d be absent from a child’s life unless you felt that way perhaps not having intercourse is the right thing to do whether or not abstaining makes you happy.

I certainly know of men who would choose to be involved for the child’s sake even if they didn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with the mother. It’s fine that you are not like that but then you’re risking a repeat of this situation if you keep having sex in other situations. 

It’s the 1st time I’ve had sex since my ex gf in 2020, almost 2 years without sex.

it was a complete, stupid one off drunk mistake

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1 minute ago, RKO said:

It’s the 1st time I’ve had sex since my ex gf in 2020, almost 2 years without sex.

it was a complete, stupid one off drunk mistake

Well no. You chose to get drunk and chose the consequences. You intended to drink. Not a mistake. No one slipped a drug into your drink. Two years isn’t a long time especially if you can be sexual and affectionate and just not have intercourse- you are a person who has specific standards as far as fatherhood. I can relate. I did too about motherhood. So I chose to abstain except in very specific situations.  Even if it meant years.

I get that you’re not promiscuous. I don’t get why you’re calling this a mistake. You intended to get drunk. You intended to interact with people while drunk. It’s not an excuse just because a consequence of choosing to be drunk is that you might show poor judgment. 

 

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2 hours ago, RKO said:

So if you were in my shoes you’d get a dna test after birth and if a match you would?

You have no idea if this is yours. DNA is the only way to tell. In the meantime, why are you getting sucked into some  sort of father role such as her obstetrical updates?🤰

In one moment you say you don't want a relationship/family with her then the next, you are chitchatting about her sonogram? You are confusing yourself and her.

Are you trying to give her the impression you'll marry and be a family? If not, if this was in fact a 'drunken mistake', then don't lead anyone on and be resolute in your dealings. 

In one breath you your saying 'she's ruining your life' in the next you're going on about how your mother wants  to be a grandmother?🤷‍♂️

 You'll have to wait, determine if it is yours. Legally the child is entitled to support and also legally you have the right to, but not an obligation to, file a petition for visitation custody.

 At this point you are too attached and too involved in something that you may not even be involved in. If you want a family with this woman carry on, if not don't lead people astray with chitchat about sonograms. Be honest and clear. Tell her the truth. That  you plan to get a paternity test, just to be sure.

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3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You have no idea if this is yours. DNA is the only way to tell. In the meantime, why are you getting sucked into some  sort of father role such as her obstetrical updates?

In one moment you say you don't want a relationship/family with her then the next, you are chitchatting about her sonogram? You are confusing yourself and her.

Are you trying to give her the impression you'll marry and be a family? If not, if this was in fact a 'drunken mistake', then don't lead anyone on and be resolute in your dealings. 

In one breathe you your saying 'she's ruining your life' in the next you're going on about how your mother wants  to be a grandmother?

 You'll have to wait, determine if it is yours. Legally the child is entitled to support and also legally you have the right to, but not an obligation to, file a petition for visitation custody.

 At this point you are too attached and too involved in something that you may not even be involved in. If you want a family with this woman carry on, if not don't lead people astray with chitchat about sonograms. Be honest and clear. Tell her the truth. That  you plan to get a paternity test, just to be sure.

Maybe I’ve not been clear, the only reason I have interest in the scan is to see when the due date is and if dates lineup. I have no intention of being happily families. I have told her this, she is in same position neither of us want to be with each other. We are on the complete same page with that.

As for my mum I am simply guessing what her reply will be, that’s all.

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13 minutes ago, RKO said:

the only reason I have interest in the scan is to see when the due date is and if dates lineup.

That means nothing. They are estimates. Furthermore she may have slept with 10 men in the weeks surrounding your hookup. Only DNA tells you if you are involved. Sonograms are proof of nothing but a preganacy and an approximate gestation time.

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7 hours ago, RKO said:

True, but the due date will be key, if it does line up with when we had sex then I think I’d be inclined to believe until actual dna test. However if it’s 2 or more weeks due either side then alarm bells will ring.

 

Also she’s says 100% the baby is mine. I know it’s her word but I can’t see her lying about this and wanting to ruin someone’s life if she wasn’t sure

The due date is actually only approximate. They date it to the first date of the woman's last period. This is because they don't actually know when the woman ovulated and the conception itself happened. Sperm can live for up to 5 - 6 days so even if you have sex 5 days before ovulation they could just sit there. She could have had sex with another guy before or after you or she may even have another FWB. Or maybe she didn't. That's why I think you really need proof you are the father.

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7 hours ago, Wonderstruck said:

Are you kidding me with words like ABUSE and SEXIST?!

ANSWER THE QUESTION THAT I POSED TO YOU. Why was it solely the WOMAN'S responsibility to prevent pregnancy?!

IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT SHE WENT ALONG WITH IT. Why were you CASUALLY suggesting a really invasive, potentially painful procedure like INSERTION OF AN IUD, as opposed to the much simpler option of you wearing a condom?!

Why is YOUR pleasure more important than what could potentially be a painful, invasive procedure for her?!

You're a grown adult who understands how pregnancy happens. YOU KNEW THE RISK. It is unbelievably irresponsible, selfish, and callous to place the entire responsibility for preventing pregnancy on the woman, especially since you KNEW that you didn't want to become a father.

The coddling and infantilization of this grown man in this thread is really gross.

You seem to be taking this very personally.... I'm sorry if you went through something that's triggering these feelings. I want to point something out as I'm writing these responses just to give clarification. I'm a woman and I'm actually seven months pregnant. So just to clarify.

In college I had a female friend (still have) who was seeing a guy and she got pregnant. She wasn't a teenager, she was about 24. She didn't want the baby but she actually left the abortion late until right before it was going to be nearly too late to do it. But she got in on time and had the abortion.

I know there are people who are pro life and stand with signs in front of abortion clinics. But most people seem to accept when a woman doesn't want the child and has an abortion. This girl's friends and family, including me, were supportive to her that she chose to have the abortion. You don't really see most people saying to the woman: "You're disgusting, what is wrong with you, how can you have an abortion". That woman just doesn't want a child so she gets rid of it.

In this case the OP, a man doesn't want the child. The woman wants it and will keep the baby so actually he has been left with no choice. Whereas the woman actually can make a choice if to have an abortion or to have the baby based on her own wishes about it. So the woman gets the outcome she wants  - the guy doesn't.

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14 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

You seem to be taking this very personally.... I'm sorry if you went through something that's triggering these feelings. I want to point something out as I'm writing these responses just to give clarification. I'm a woman and I'm actually seven months pregnant. So just to clarify.

In college I had a female friend (still have) who was seeing a guy and she got pregnant. She wasn't a teenager, she was about 24. She didn't want the baby but she actually left the abortion late until right before it was going to be nearly too late to do it. But she got in on time and had the abortion.

I know there are people who are pro life and stand with signs in front of abortion clinics. But most people seem to accept when a woman doesn't want the child and has an abortion. This girl's friends and family, including me, were supportive to her that she chose to have the abortion. You don't really see most people saying to the woman: "You're disgusting, what is wrong with you, how can you have an abortion". That woman just doesn't want a child so she gets rid of it.

In this case the OP, a man doesn't want the child. The woman wants it and will keep the baby so actually he has been left with no choice. Whereas the woman actually can make a choice if to have an abortion or to have the baby based on her own wishes about it. So the woman gets the outcome she wants  - the guy doesn't.

This is what happened to me also Tiny, 

 

I was with my now husband at the time I got pregnant for the first time, and engaged. I know how much he wanted the baby, he told me, but he said with all his heart, it was my decision. It wasn’t really, it was both of ours. I terminated very early at about 9 ish weeks but it is my biggest regret. 
 

We have been married and together 15 years now. I’m nearly 33, we have 3 children together now. I will never forgive myself. But he left the final decision in my hands. 
 

We both made the mistake of one time, not using protection. Even in a loving and long term relationship, the weight and prospect of a baby can suddenly lay seem too much. I freaked out. I thought everything had to be “perfect” aka a house of our own, financial security, plenty of money in the bank. 
 

What’s done is done. We have three amazing children together. They wouldn’t have been born if things had turned out differently. But it’s good for thought. Takes two to tango. 
 

And! A huge congratulations on your pregnancy! What lovely news! 
 

x

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42 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

You don't really see most people saying to the woman: "You're disgusting, what is wrong with you, how can you have an abortion".

This actually happens a LOT. 

And there are men who are upset the woman chose to terminate. The man wanted the child but the woman chose not to have it. It's a very hot button and emotional issue.

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11 minutes ago, mylolita said:

This is what happened to me also Tiny, 

 

I was with my now husband at the time I got pregnant for the first time, and engaged. I know how much he wanted the baby, he told me, but he said with all his heart, it was my decision. It wasn’t really, it was both of ours. I terminated very early at about 9 ish weeks but it is my biggest regret. 
 

We have been married and together 15 years now. I’m nearly 33, we have 3 children together now. I will never forgive myself. But he left the final decision in my hands. 
 

We both made the mistake of one time, not using protection. Even in a loving and long term relationship, the weight and prospect of a baby can suddenly lay seem too much. I freaked out. I thought everything had to be “perfect” aka a house of our own, financial security, plenty of money in the bank. 
 

What’s done is done. We have three amazing children together. They wouldn’t have been born if things had turned out differently. But it’s good for thought. Takes two to tango. 
 

And! A huge congratulations on your pregnancy! What lovely news! 
 

x

Thanks so much  🙂

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18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That means nothing. They are estimates. Furthermore she may have slept with 10 men in the weeks surrounding your hookup. Only DNA tells you if you are involved. Sonograms are proof of nothing but a preganacy and an approximate gestation time.

Totally get this but it would be a starting point until then, eg if they say “ miss your baby is at the 16 weeks not 12 mark” then that would be SOME hope to cling on to in the meantime 

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Periods are not necessarily an indicator of the timing of the pregnancy.  One of my friends had two periods while she was already pregnant.  Someone else I know had the misfortune of having periods the entire time she was pregnant (how awful!!).  I happened to know exactly when I conceived my son because it could only have been over the course of one weekend.  The other two times I was pregnant it was more of an estimate.

The sonogram will be another estimate.  But as you said, it's a starting point.  If it's estimated to be in the time frame of when you had unprotected sex with the woman, you can start socking money away for both the DNA test and to help provide financially for the child if it's yours.

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