ONS - Pregnancy

[Jaunty]

2 minutes ago, RKO said:

Jesus, have you even read it? Have you seen the responses? Have you seen that 9/10 of posts on here are blaming me.

 

I've read it and responded myself, several times, earlier in the thread.   At first I was quite sympathetic with your situation.  As you got more excited about telling us all about what a trash bag this woman is (in your opinion), you lost my sympathy.  Now, I do care about what happens to the kid and hope that the woman can recover from the whole thing.  I'm quite sure you'll be just fine, fully vindicated and righteous all the way.

[Coily]

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Right.  

The issue I have is that the woman and the OP did the same act, but the woman is being dragged through the dirt here for 33 pages because of it.  Which was the exact same action as the OP's.   

Drunk unprotected sex.  It happens.  This is a predictable possible result.  

 

 

 

Dragged by who, other than the OP? Who, while not acting the best in this situation, I think the OP needs to work this fear out. I'm not a fan of his actions or rampant speculation; but if shocked with the realization that these huge consequences were on my door step and I didn't know if the child was mine, I would not be the most rational or kind either.

It's a heck of a lot to work through, like the stages of mourning. We should be trying to guide him away from harboring anger against this woman if it is his child she is carrying.  But I have seen plenty of abuse heaped on the OP in here, warranted or not in other's opinions. I don't want to defend the guy, but holy katz some people on here need to leave well enough alone if all they want to do is lambast.

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, RKO said:

 Unless she hasn’t told her she’s been having sex with others

Have you sent her mom a message informing her of her daughters sexual activities?    I hope not, though I expect you probably have.  

[RKO]

3 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Have you sent her mom a message informing her of her daughters sexual activities?    I hope not, though I expect you probably have.  

What are you been on about now? 
Go away you horrible little troll

[Jaunty]

Just now, RKO said:

What are you been on about now? 
Go away you horrible little troll

It was a serious question.  

[RKO]

2 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

It was a serious question.  

Of course I haven’t. From this moment I’m not conversing with you any further. Pathetic comments that are intended to aggravate are not what a forum is for. Good riddance 

[Jaunty]

5 minutes ago, Coily said:

Dragged by who, other than the OP?

Not that anyone's particularly interested, but I take exactly the same tact on most any thread I engage with.  When the OP has a problem but their post is completely focussed on the foibles of the other party - even when the other party is truly wretched, I try to get the person to look at their own role in it.  Once the venting is out, which should be a few paragraphs, I think it's actually harmful to a person to keep returning to the crimes of the person who harmed them.   

It's a severe barrier to moving forward.   

 

[boltnrun]

I personally don't find it helpful to revisit the past over and over with could have, should haves. It's not practical. Sure, next time the OP will probably wrap it or he'll get a vasectomy. But what's done is done.

So again, I suggest not contacting the woman. At all. When she gives birth she can contact you to schedule the paternity DNA test. Until then, since you two seem to aggravate one another it's best to just leave one another alone. And also I suggest socking away some money just in case. That's it.

Your feelings are there whether or not they're "nice". I just recommend you don't share them with her so she can be as healthy as possible during her pregnancy. Vent to your mom or anywhere else where you can be assured your words won't be shared with her. 

I just want it to be apparent the baby's health has to come first. That baby didn't ask for this situation and shouldn't be subjected to any negativity.

[Coily]

14 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Not that anyone's particularly interested, but I take exactly the same tact on most any thread I engage with.  When the OP has a problem but their post is completely focussed on the foibles of the other party - even when the other party is truly wretched, I try to get the person to look at their own role in it.  Once the venting is out, which should be a few paragraphs, I think it's actually harmful to a person to keep returning to the crimes of the person who harmed them.   

It's a severe barrier to moving forward.   

 

I don't disagree with the sentiment, but putting the OP on the defensive doesn't help them move past that bitterness.

[Jaunty]

This really is an epic thread.  There has been a lot of good advice given; plenty of drama as well. There has also been some of what IMO is truly damaging advice.  Unfortunately for the other 2 parties potentially involved, who are not the OP, it seems like this is the advice he's embraced:

Quote

Well the news of her pregnancy is going to break so you need a story. Probably better to get it out there before it comes to you and then you won't be carrying it all on your own. Something along the lines of "she's pregnant, I messed around with her one nite but probably so did a lot of other guys, if it's mine I'll do the right thing"

Honestly it sounds like this is what's in play.   

[mylolita]

@Batya33Not everyone sits down with a planner, a series of interviews and 4 different forms of contraceptive before clapping their hands together and saying, “Okay! Now we can BEGIN our intercourse!”

 

Holy flipping smokes 🤣 If you are still in the mood after that logistic run down from Mammy then you have a stronger stomach than me! 
 

You got your life all set perfectly and do everything amazingly and never made those mistakes - I congratulate you - but your educational examples of what to do when it comes to sex isn’t helping the OP now. I have a sneaking suspicions he’s probably learnt that lesson by now, the hard way. Rubbing salt into the wound by giving examples of how you did everything “right” isn’t, in my opinion, what he needs. And he’s said it’s not helping. With all due respect - maybe give the sexual dry 101 story time an interval?! 

 

I do think it’s curious that the woman is relieved of vitriol and judgement. I realise she isn’t here asking for advice but… still. 
 

x
 

 

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

Dragged by who, other than the OP? Who, while not acting the best in this situation, I think the OP needs to work this fear out. I'm not a fan of his actions or rampant speculation; but if shocked with the realization that these huge consequences were on my door step and I didn't know if the child was mine, I would not be the most rational or kind either.

It's a heck of a lot to work through, like the stages of mourning. We should be trying to guide him away from harboring anger against this woman if it is his child she is carrying.  But I have seen plenty of abuse heaped on the OP in here, warranted or not in other's opinions. I don't want to defend the guy, but holy katz some people on here need to leave well enough alone if all they want to do is lambast.

I agree, I totally agree.

 

It’s easy to sit back anonymously and tell someone everything they did wrong. That part is easy. Being helpful and offering practical advice is not so easy, but it is far more useful than the constant judgemental run downs. 
 

x

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, mylolita said:

You got your life all set perfectly and do everything amazingly and never made those mistakes - I congratulate you - but your educational examples of what to do when it comes to sex isn’t helping the OP now. I

Thanks for sharing, personal attacks aside which I'm cool with ignoring given the alternatives.  I shared mistakes I made above but no need to reread and many times I've shared all sorts of mistakes/personal flaws etc so your comments are quite confusing. I'm entirely comfortable with the input I've given and I've tried to help particularly with respect to his planned meeting. 

I respect your opinion in general about your views on casual sex and how adults should approach casual encounters.  I shared mine -and they are just my personal opinions. 

I was responding earlier in particular to how he should interact with the woman in person.  He's made some comments and shared opinions about this woman and pregnant women that I find very disturbing and concerning and others that are not -that delineate the complications here given her reactions with the paternity tests and the huge unknowns about whether he could be the father.  That's a really stressful situation to be in. And I've responded to that many times.  As a woman and someone who has been pregnant and given birth I don't feel I have to be in this exact situation to give helpful input particularly on how one human being should interact with another person who is pregnant in public.  Kinda common sense?

[Jaunty]

12 minutes ago, mylolita said:

 

I do think it’s curious that the woman is relieved of vitriol and judgement. I realise she isn’t here asking for advice but… still. 

Why does there need to be vitriol and judgement towards either party in this situation?

They both did exactly the same thing.  Neither one was more virtuous than the other.  

 

[mylolita]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Thanks for sharing, personal attacks aside which I'm cool with ignoring given the alternatives.  I shared mistakes I made above but no need to reread. I'm entirely comfortable with the input I've given and I've tried to help particularly with respect to his planned meeting.  I respect your opinion in general about your views on casual sex.  I was responding earlier in particular to how he should interact with the woman in person.

You don’t have to respect my opinion Batya or even think I’m right. OP just keeps saying okay, everyone, that’s not helping, and people keep hashing away saying the same stuff about you should have done this I did that you need to use a condom… excuse me, of course?! 
 

Ironically, you have had more casual sex than me! Which is the strange part. I’ve only ever been with one man, my husband. The other few casual one night stands I had were with women. 4 actually. Also, whilst I was with my husband. He was there. You can fill in the blanks.

 

Look, this is real life. Here’s something practical and realistic. Most people, casually hooking up, don’t know the other person from Adam. They are not going to discuss prior if they would be happy to abort a baby that could be conceived. Normally, it’s hot and heavy and the guy puts a condom on, no explanations needed. That’s all that needs to happen, nothing else. If you want to be double secure; the woman should be on the pill. If used right, the condom is 99% accurate I believe, the pill similar if not a little more. Unless you want to abstain completely, you can’t get much more “secure” than that. 
 

Practically, no one in bars or clubs are gonna run down all this stuff and have talks. I believe… there is not much talking going on. That’s kind of the point.

 

Or am I on a different planet here? I think I’m in the real world, bizarre as that sounds coming from me here, miss unusual. 
 

I think, for my own sanity, maybe the sex education can be left out now? The OP is hinting it’s unhelpful. It’s patronising, actually, in my opinion.

 

But if you want to carry on, this is a free country. We are all entitled to our opinion. 
 

The OP is here saying he feels ganged up on and judged. I have felt the same on these threads in the past. It’s not an uncommon feedback. Maybe we should listen to the OP? Let’s not sugar coat it but, really, what advice or lesson are we instilling when someone says that is not helpful but we just keep going anyway?

 

x

[mylolita]

11 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Why does there need to be vitriol and judgement towards either party in this situation?

They both did exactly the same thing.  Neither one was more virtuous than the other.  

 

There doesn’t - that is my point! 

 

He doesn’t need it, and neither does the lady. They made a mistake. It’s about what to do now. We can’t change the past. 
 

x

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, mylolita said:

You don’t have to respect my opinion Batya or even think I’m right. OP just keeps saying okay, everyone, that’s not helping, and people keep hashing away saying the same stuff about you should have done this I did that you need to use a condom… excuse me, of course?! 
 

Ironically, you have had more casual sex than me! Which is the strange part. I’ve only ever been with one man, my husband. The other few casual one night stands I had were with women. 4 actually. Also, whilst I was with my husband. He was there. You can fill in the blanks.

 

Look, this is real life. Here’s something practical and realistic. Most people, casually hooking up, don’t know the other person from Adam. They are not going to discuss prior if they would be happy to abort a baby that could be conceived. Normally, it’s hot and heavy and the guy puts a condom on, no explanations needed. That’s all that needs to happen, nothing else. If you want to be double secure; the woman should be on the pill. If used right, the condom is 99% accurate I believe, the pill similar if not a little more. Unless you want to abstain completely, you can’t get much more “secure” than that. 
 

Practically, no one in bars or clubs are gonna run down all this stuff and have talks. I believe… there is not much talking going on. That’s kind of the point.

 

Or am I on a different planet here? I think I’m in the real world, bizarre as that sounds coming from me here, miss unusual. 
 

I think, for my own sanity, maybe the sex education can be left out now? The OP is hinting it’s unhelpful. It’s patronising, actually, in my opinion.

 

But if you want to carry on, this is a free country. We are all entitled to our opinion. 
 

The OP is here saying he feels ganged up on and judged. I have felt the same on these threads in the past. It’s not an uncommon feedback. Maybe we should listen to the OP? Let’s not sugar coat it but, really, what advice or lesson are we instilling when someone says that is not helpful but we just keep going anyway?

 

x

I've never had casual sex.  And I will never have casual sex.  Any temptation to have casual sex ended for me by the time I was in my early 20s (and at that point I'd never had sex).  I am sorry the OP feels judged.  I believe I gave him solid advice on how to interact with this woman.  I feel that he judged her unfairly for her decision not to terminate her pregnancy - he made those comments and gave those opinions and I found them alarming and unsettling -those particular comments and opinions.

[Coily]

10 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Why does there need to be vitriol and judgement towards either party in this situation?

They both did exactly the same thing.  Neither one was more virtuous than the other.  

 

Unfortunately there were a lot of really sh**y things said to the OP early on that have tainted this thread. Look back on Page 4 and wonderbread or whatever just reaming the OP out KGB style. So I can't blame the OP for posting more judgemental comments about the preganant woman after that garbage; it's human nature to either go for sympathy or conflict.

Now there have been some very good posts trying to guide the OP away from being too condemnatory of the woman, since it does him no good in the long run. At this stage he seems to be trying to reconcile what his role is in all of this; but then gets dragged back to "well you should have just wrapped it, now you're the bad guy for being scared and confused."

And that's it, the OP is kind of scared witless. There are so many unknowns here that I think most comments have crossed the threshold into unhelpful. many are trying to give the OP insight into what she is going through, but a bit of a tin ear towards the stress he is dealing with. Rather than telling him, he's f-ing up, maybe we should be just listening.

[mylolita]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I've never had casual sex.  And I will never have casual sex.  Any temptation to have casual sex ended for me by the time I was in my early 20s (and at that point I'd never had sex).  I am sorry the OP feels judged.  I believe I gave him solid advice on how to interact with this woman.  I feel that he judged her unfairly for her decision not to terminate her pregnancy - he made those comments and gave those opinions and I found them alarming and unsettling -those particular comments and opinions.

Oh, forgive me, so just sex in short term relationships then. Good for you! 
 

Some people are much more sexual and can’t or don’t want to stay celibate or even just have sex within a relationship only. It doesn’t make them any less responsible. Mistakes happen. Crimes of passion, you could say, let’s put it that way.

I’m not sure what you’re referring too regarding terminating the pregnancy Batya but I have a feeling this whole thing has moved past the termination part and we’re in… the next chapter. 

x

 

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Oh, forgive me, so just sex in short term relationships then. Good for you! 
 

Some people are much more sexual and can’t or don’t want to stay celibate or even not have sex within relationships. It doesn’t make them any less responsible. Mistakes happen. Crimes of passion, you could say, let’s put it that way.

I’m not sure what you’re referring too regarding terminating the pregnancy Batya but I have a feeling this whole thing has moved past the termination part and we’re in… the next chapter. 

x

 

I was always very sexual with a healthy sex drive.  And I made particular choices as to how to react to those urges that took into account my values, my physical and mental health, and my life goals. As one tiny example I was in my early 20s during the beginning of the AIDS epidemic -around the time it was known that heterosexual people could contract it as well.  That affected my choices too and many of my peers' choices as well. 

In 1987 someone I worked with died of AIDS.  I was 20 and I was devastated. He was a wonderful man.  I hadn't known he was gay nor did I care either way but back then it was mostly gay men who were succumbing to the tragedy of AIDs.  I was a virgin but sure that affected my decisions about my sexual activity in the future.  But mostly, reacting to my strong sexual desires by having casual sex would have been a big mistake for me emotionally.  So I chose to abstain from casual sex.

  I do the same with other things I have strong desires for like chocolate, other foods, etc.  I have strong feelings and urges and if reacting in a certain way would be unhealthy or inappropriate etc I make choices as to how to react.  I would venture that's pretty basic and what most humans do with all sorts of desires, urges and feelings.  

I don't have any need to be praised for my decisions.  I chose to and choose to live my life in a certain way and to try my best to act consistently with my values.  Sometimes I fail at that of course.  Just like all humans I suspect.

For sure mistakes happen.  I totally agree and have commented on this thread about the mistakes made here many times.  

[mylolita]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I was always very sexual with a healthy sex drive.  And I made particular choices as to how to react to those urges that took into account my values, my physical and mental health, and my life goals.  I do the same with other things I have strong desires for like chocolate, other foods, etc.  I have strong feelings and urges and if reacting in a certain way would be unhealthy or inappropriate etc I make choices as to how to react.  I would venture that's pretty basic and what most humans do with all sorts of desires, urges and feelings.  

For sure mistakes happen.  I totally agree and have commented on this thread about the mistakes made here many times.  

Well I’m glad you have yourself so under control Batya! 
 

Some people get lost in passion and don’t do what they are supposed too. This is human nature. Most of us are flawed and indulgent and imperfect in our decisions. 

 

That’s all I’m going to say about that. The righteous tone is… unhelpful. In my opinion, anyway. If the OP enjoys the lectures or you like hearing them yourself, please carry on, but I get the impression this isn’t a 14 year old boy here. I think he knows. 

 

x

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, mylolita said:

Well I’m glad you have yourself so under control Batya! 
 

Some people get lost in passion and don’t do what they are supposed too. This is human nature. Most of us are flawed and indulgent and imperfect in our decisions. 

 

That’s all I’m going to say about that. The righteous tone is… unhelpful. In my opinion, anyway. If the OP enjoys the lectures or you like hearing them yourself, please carry on, but I get the impression this isn’t a 14 year old boy here. I think he knows. 

 

x

I'm not sure where you got that from.  I don't have myself "under control" nor is that a goal of mine. As I said I try my best as do many humans.  People make mistakes including reacting to passion in really harmful and hurtful ways.  Your tone and implications and assumptions about what I am writing,as well as the personal attacks, are unhelpful so I will decline to respond any further or repeat what I have already written.  I know I and others gave him valuable input as to how to interact with this woman should he choose to meet her and discuss in public.  

[Seraphim]

The baby’s health and therefore mom’s mental health is important. More children with disabilities are born to mothers who are very stressed in pregnancy. Stress hormones blood the fetal blood system and interrupt typical brain development. 

[Capricorn3]

Thread has run it's course. Closed.