ONS - Pregnancy

[mylolita]

4 minutes ago, RKO said:

Thank you, you are right about me, my feelings and the situation as a whole all throughout your post. It was comforting to read.  Thanks.

 

will update all on how the meeting went now…

No worries.

x

[boltnrun]

As far as I'm concerned, how the OP got here is water under the bridge. "Shoulda/coulda" is kind of irrelevant at this point.

In my opinion the main concerns currently should be number one, the health of the baby and it's mother and number two, planning financially and emotionally in case the child is the OPs. 

And I have been in a situation where I became pregnant with an unplanned child and the baby's father raged at me and demanded I get an abortion. It wasn't a ONS but he treated me as though the baby and I were interlopers intruding on his life. Like I got that way by myself or something. Sadly, I became seriously ill and the baby didn't make it. That guy was delighted and didn't feel an ounce of sorrow  or regret.

I don't get that the OP is that type of person, but I'm trying to get across that the baby and mother's health has got to take priority here.

[RKO]

Not long back from the meeting, thankfully didn’t go as bad as I feared.

To start, she’s agreed to do the paternity test at birth and totally understands why I want one, I don’t think she realised I knew about her other 2 partners. She insists the baby is mine.

I put across why I don’t want prenatal, she wasn’t aware how hit and miss they are, said she would rather do that and not have it hanging over her but knows I’m not budging. She said it will be missing out on scans and not being there when it’s born, I sad that’s on me and I’d rather miss all that than go to them and find out baby isn’t mine. 

She said when the baby is here I can see it as much as I like. She just wants a father for the child.

She said her mother hates me for how I have acted (wonder how much of the story she knows to hate me?)

There maybe a few things Ive forgotten - hence why I prefer messages 

However, a few things mentioned which aren’t as they seem

1: She’s said she was sick this week, Monday morning and got admitted to hospital for 2 days. I didn’t pull her up but, this is a huge lie. I saw her in a supermarket Monday laughing and joking at 4pm, 100% her, I avoided her but it was her. Tuesday whilst still in hospital? Saw on a mutual friends Insta that they were out having lunch. I didn’t pull her up. Wish I did.

2: Her bump looks exact same size as it did 2 months ago, possibly even smaller. She doesn’t look pregnant never mind 6 months pregnant. She says she’s been told the baby is long. I was a very small baby and she is petite. 
 

3: Something she said - “when I found out I was pregnant, I was glad it was yours as you’re a good person and caring” maybe thinking too much into it  but I found it strange. Suggesting it could be others.

4: Said she hates it hanging over her the test as doesn’t know if he will have a father, I said well if you are 100% sure it’s mine and I’ve told you I’ll be a father to him if proved so, then why are you worried? She went quiet and had no answer.

[boltnrun]

Well, if she's a wack job you'll find out soon enough.

No one knew I was pregnant with my son until I was about seven months. I have retrograde uterus so it grew tilted backward instead of toward the front. And I only gained 32 pounds total. 

But seems like meeting in person ended working out OK. 

In three-ish months there will either be a baby or there won't (if she's full of it and nuts, that is).

[Seraphim]

Well, you spoke to YOUR mom right ? Why can’t she speak to hers? I know when I was carrying babies I wanted to speak to my mom. 

[RKO]

8 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Well, you spoke to YOUR mom right ? Why can’t she speak to hers? I know when I was carrying babies I wanted to speak to my mom. 

Im not saying don’t speak, I just find it odd why someone would want to kill me for wanting a paternity. Unless she hasn’t told her she’s been having sex with others

[MissCanuck]

18 minutes ago, RKO said:

Saw on a mutual friends Insta that they were out having lunch. I didn’t pull her up. Wish I did

There's no point to this, really. A "gotcha" might feel good for a few minutes but it would only serve to stir up more drama. It wouldn't have been worth it. 

20 minutes ago, RKO said:

Her bump looks exact same size as it did 2 months ago, possibly even smaller. She doesn’t look pregnant never mind 6 months pregnant.

Do you believe she's lying about being pregnant altogether? 

[RKO]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Well, if she's a wack job you'll find out soon enough.

No one knew I was pregnant with my son until I was about seven months. I have retrograde uterus so it grew tilted backward instead of toward the front. And I only gained 32 pounds total. 

But seems like meeting in person ended working out OK. 

In three-ish months there will either be a baby or there won't (if she's full of it and nuts, that is).

Christ, can you imagine if there is no baby? TBF she did show me very quickly a scan picture.

Another weird thing, our mutual friend, her birthing partner said she was going to scans with her. Turns out she hasn’t been to any.

I think this is least likely outcome btw haha

[Jaunty]

Wow.  You met with her and come right back here to trash talk her.  I wish you would stop.  It's  disturbing to imagine you calling her out on her 2 other sex partners who might be the father, sharing here and with dozens of other people in your life, given your personality, about her "lies" (according to your detective work) and too-small baby bump.

Why do you think we care about what a garbage dump you think she is?  We don't care.  She was good enough for you to bang bareback when drunk.   Now there's a pregnancy and you might be the father.  Her human shortcomings are not a part of this story but you can't seem to get enough of trotting them out.

You really are coming off badly here.  You don't need to believe anything she says and you do NOT have to interact with her.  But you seem all puffed up with superiority and pride every time you get the opportunity to drag her down.  

 

Ugh.

[RKO]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

There's no point to this, really. A "gotcha" might feel good for a few minutes but it would only serve to stir up more drama. It wouldn't have been worth it. 

Do you believe she's lying about being pregnant altogether? 

Which is why I didn’t mention it, I wanted to keep it chill, but it’s a pretty sick lie to pull in all truth.

im not saying she’s not pregnant no, but just an observation .

[RKO]

5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Wow.  You met with her and come right back here to trash talk her.  I wish you would stop.  It's  disturbing to imagine you calling her out on her 2 other sex partners who might be the father, sharing here and with dozens of other people in your life, given your personality, about her "lies" (according to your detective work) and too-small baby bump.

Why do you think we care about what a garbage dump you think she is?  We don't care.  She was good enough for you to bang bareback when drunk.   Now there's a pregnancy and you might be the father.  Her human shortcomings are not a part of this story but you can't seem to get enough of trotting them out.

You really are coming off badly here.  You don't need to believe anything she says and you do NOT have to interact with her.  But you seem all puffed up with superiority and pride every time you get the opportunity to drag her down.  

Ugh.

Don’t Read the thread then. Simple 

[boltnrun]

11 minutes ago, RKO said:

Christ, can you imagine if there is no baby? TBF she did show me very quickly a scan picture.

Another weird thing, our mutual friend, her birthing partner said she was going to scans with her. Turns out she hasn’t been to any.

I think this is least likely outcome btw haha

I hope you haven't continued to discuss her and the situation with "mutual friends". That always goes sideways.

How many scans has she allegedly had? I had a high risk pregnancy and I only had three total. And one was an emergency because my OB doctor thought my baby had died in utero (thankfully he hadn't and is healthy and well).

I'm not going to presume she's lying because, as I said, I was tiny almost my entire first full term pregnancy. No one knew I was pregnant unless I pulled up my shirt. I just looked like I'd eaten too much until the seventh month.

Do you feel better now that  she has agreed to a post birth paternity test?

[Jaunty]

1 minute ago, RKO said:

Don’t Read the thread then. Simple 

I'm here to give advice to people - and you're supposedly here for advice.   

My advice to you is to try, just a tiny bit, to consider what it would be like to behave like a decent human being in this difficult situation. 

Keep in mind that when it came to banging her, you were absolutely all in.  If a decent  man impregnated, or probably impregnated a woman because he banged her without a condom when drunk, he would either LEAVE HER ALONE (including her reputation) or if he was determined to be involved, it would be to ease the situation.  

So what if she had other sex partners. So what if she was lying about being in the hospital.  Actually, so what if she wasn't even pregnant.  A long time ago you were advised ad nauseum to just live your life and when / if a baby was born, and you were summoned to provide DNA for paternity, you THEN would need to get involved or give up parental rights.  

Instead, here we are getting reminded of her promiscuity, her lying, her small baby bump, etc.  

 

 

[Coily]

Having read through most of this, some asinine comments were ignored (some of the worst I've seen on this forum), and I have to say OP you are putting yourself through the wringer on this. Mistakes were made by both parties, and the past is irrelevant.

Now i think you are very wise to question the paternity, knowing of other partners is irrelevant. I think given your initial attitude you are having far too much communication with her, but I get that you need information to make the best informed decisions you can.

I also think far too many are ignoring the impact this unknown of being the father is having on you Wether you plan to be involved or not isn't nearly the weight as knowing if you are the father; your involvement will change once you have an answer.

Going forward, since you are in too regular contact with her, I think it would behoove you to put plans in action like Bolt suggested by setting aside some money. I would also highly advise seeking out the advice of a man who has played a father or mentor figure in your life. You need the guidance of a man, preferably one who is a father; someone who won't lazily say "man up."

Most of all, while I can understand your bitterness towards this woman, work on trying to see her in a less hostile light. Not for her benefit, but if someday down the road you want to have more involvement with the child. She may be far worse than you describe, but she could also be far better; but that is irrelevant if the child is yours.

I don't think it's fair that your emotional rollercoaster is dismissed by so many here, this is a huge change in your life. You have to really scrutinize yourself in new and uncomfortable ways; an involved father or not this is a weight to carry.

I would also encourage you to vent those frustrations here, so you can be civil in person when it counts. I know a few too many want to pounce and tear you to shreds for any negative thoughts you have toward a pregnant woman as you are navigating this great unknown, but don't let that deter you from getting that out of your system.

Bottom line: Prepare, get a paternity test, and be polite when you can.

[RKO]

27 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I hope you haven't continued to discuss her and the situation with "mutual friends". That always goes sideways.

How many scans has she allegedly had? I had a high risk pregnancy and I only had three total. And one was an emergency because my OB doctor thought my baby had died in utero (thankfully he hadn't and is healthy and well).

I'm not going to presume she's lying because, as I said, I was tiny almost my entire first full term pregnancy. No one knew I was pregnant unless I pulled up my shirt. I just looked like I'd eaten too much until the seventh month.

Do you feel better now that  she has agreed to a post birth paternity test?

No not at all, not discussed with anyone, obviously my mum asks me now and again how I am, everything will work out, you’ll be ok kinda stuff, but no, not mentioning to friends, I just know from 2 months ago mutual friend said she was going to all the scans as a birth partner.

 

I do feel better, slightly less in limbo, I know now I’ll get my answer and happy doing it this way. I just wish it could have been agreed a while back but it is what it is.

[RKO]

23 minutes ago, Coily said:

Having read through most of this, some asinine comments were ignored (some of the worst I've seen on this forum), and I have to say OP you are putting yourself through the wringer on this. Mistakes were made by both parties, and the past is irrelevant.

Now i think you are very wise to question the paternity, knowing of other partners is irrelevant. I think given your initial attitude you are having far too much communication with her, but I get that you need information to make the best informed decisions you can.

I also think far too many are ignoring the impact this unknown of being the father is having on you Wether you plan to be involved or not isn't nearly the weight as knowing if you are the father; your involvement will change once you have an answer.

Going forward, since you are in too regular contact with her, I think it would behoove you to put plans in action like Bolt suggested by setting aside some money. I would also highly advise seeking out the advice of a man who has played a father or mentor figure in your life. You need the guidance of a man, preferably one who is a father; someone who won't lazily say "man up."

Most of all, while I can understand your bitterness towards this woman, work on trying to see her in a less hostile light. Not for her benefit, but if someday down the road you want to have more involvement with the child. She may be far worse than you describe, but she could also be far better; but that is irrelevant if the child is yours.

I don't think it's fair that your emotional rollercoaster is dismissed by so many here, this is a huge change in your life. You have to really scrutinize yourself in new and uncomfortable ways; an involved father or not this is a weight to carry.

I would also encourage you to vent those frustrations here, so you can be civil in person when it counts. I know a few too many want to pounce and tear you to shreds for any negative thoughts you have toward a pregnant woman as you are navigating this great unknown, but don't let that deter you from getting that out of your system.

Bottom line: Prepare, get a paternity test, and be polite when you can.

Appreciate this, thank you. I have had some awful views on here off some and yes I think the abuse has been OTT, you should see my inbox, being told to kill myself, I’m scum etc, etc.

There are 2 people I know that have been fathers to ONS, one has nothing to do with the child, the other does. I have been tempted to speak to them but then that adds more to the mix, I think it’s been important to work out what I wanted and felt rather than influenced. You’re right about coming about here to vent, but sometimes it’s hard with abuse I get here.

[RKO]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

I don't mean to come in all righteous, but I agree - it's very easy to comment and say "well just do this do that just go to therapy" or "well don't have sex unless you would be willing to have a baby with that person". I'm sorry, I've never been with another man apart from my husband, but the majority of all casual sex is exactly that - extremely casual, and I'm sorry, I don't believe the average person in their moment of passion is saying to themselves I'll only do this if I'm prepared to be a parent if a pregnancy happens. I'm just being realistic here. I take it none of us (I believe!) have ever been in this situation before? 

I have had to suffer through an unwanted pregnancy, and it was with my now husband (we just weren't married yet) and nothing was wrong. I also took the morning after pill. It was a surprise, and I didn't feel ready, and it was complete and utter turmoil, and it haunts me for the rest of my life. It's serious stuff. 

I get the impression the OP would really value someone chiming in who has first hand experience regarding this? I don't know if there is anyone out there on the forum?

I know personally myself, when you have an issue, as helpful and thankful as you can be when other people try to comfort, advise, and support, there is nothing like connecting and talking to someone who has actually been there and got the t-shirt. There's no comparison.

I don't believe just because you haven't experienced something, doesn't mean you can't offer advice - but this IS so very stressful and IS so life changing, that I can understand why the OP is stressed, anxious, and unable to switch off or "step back". I think it's understandable. 

x

Again thank you so much for your words. I appreciate you being on my wavelength.

I’d love to speak to someone here that’s been through it to hear their views (rather than act on them)

[Coily]

6 minutes ago, RKO said:

Appreciate this, thank you. I have had some awful views on here off some and yes I think the abuse has been OTT, you should see my inbox, being told to kill myself, I’m scum etc, etc.

There are 2 people I know that have been fathers to ONS, one has nothing to do with the child, the other does. I have been tempted to speak to them but then that adds more to the mix, I think it’s been important to work out what I wanted and felt rather than influenced. You’re right about coming about here to vent, but sometimes it’s hard with abuse I get here.

If any of those inbox insults are being made on this forum I would advise reporting it to a Mod/Admin; there should be no room for that on this forum.

Can I ask what your age range is? it may help fill in some of the gaps.

I think it would do you well to get the influence from both of those guys, as well as even the ol grandad type down at the pub. The more opinions and experiences you can use to form your own opinion the better. Are there any men's social groups in your area?

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

Not everyone discusses with sexual partners whether they would abort their hypothetical babies. It's not the most arousing thing is it. I get the impression you are particularly planned, for all of your life. This isn't most people. Some people fly by the seat of their pants and give in to impulse more. It doesn't make them bad or unwise automatically. We all make mistakes, sometimes, the mistakes are big ones. 

Putting your impressions aside I think all people should discuss what birth control is being used, what the plan would be if there is an accidental pregnancy no matter how arousing it is or not or in between.  It's called being a responsible adult and it is why I've spent hours already with my son reading the series of sex ed books our pediatrician recommended, over the last 3-4 years (he is 13, no interaction like that at all yet but it's not too soon to prepare in the appropriate way).  The last book in the series -for his age- discusses in a wonderfully informative and age appropriate way about the risks of pregnancy, about birth control, about the risks of unprotected sex and the inherent risk of pregnancy no matter what forms of BC you use.

I am not talking about whether I am a planner or not.  It's irrelevant.  I'm just an adult who behaved like one when I became sexually active. I don't care what most people do.  I am giving my opinion that it's totally fine to have a ONS or casual sex or unprotected sex between two consenting adults.  Many do, many find it pleasurable/fun/exciting whatever.  Cool! And it's not fine to prioritize arousal and excitement over a discussion about STDs and pregnancy risks and the potential for creating a baby.  Certainly there are exceptions.  There are infertile women, infertile men, women who know for sure they want no child and will use MAP or abortion or whatever so there's really no need (and if the man does want to father a child well he can communicate that beforehand in case the woman would definitely choose termination). 

Many things in life that are really fun and thrilling require mundane conversations and some amount of planning.  It's fun to eat vegetable sushi and it's fun to eat hot fudge sundaes and it's not so fun to have to talk about whether anyone in your group could have a life threatening allergic reaction because there could be hidden nuts or the same knife could have cut shellfish sushi.  It's not fun.  It's boring.  But just like risking creating a life who wants to risk a life threatening allergic reaction? 

The OP chose to get drunk, chose to have unprotected sex with a woman he didn't know or have that conversation with beforehand and now is dealing with potentially fathering a child.  The woman chose to get drunk, chose to have unprotected sex, possibly had already had sex with others (whether protected or otherwise) and now is growing a human being/is pregnant and has chosen not to terminate thus far (I assume it's too late now) and apparently has chosen not to put the baby up for adoption thus far.  That is her right -those are her main options I suppose.  Of course she acted irresponsibly if she did not want to be pregnant (I assume she did not - maybe she did? I just do not know).

 

[boltnrun]

I have no issue with you venting on here. It's just reading that you contacted her and the result was an argument that concerned me. I mean, it's fine of course for you to prioritize your feelings, just not at the expense of taking them out on the woman who's possibly carrying your baby. That link I posted makes it clear that stress should be avoided as much as possible from both external and internal sources.

As for the abusive private messages, that is 100% wrong. I hope you reported whoever sent those to the moderators so those people will be banned. There's no excuse for that.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, RKO said:

Again thank you so much for your words. I appreciate you being on my wavelength.

I’d love to speak to someone here that’s been through it to hear their views (rather than act on them)

My mother's friend's daughter had BC failure and I believe she was involved in an affair with a married man.  This was probably 25 years ago.  I believe she was on the pill.  But it failed.  She had the baby.  I believe dad wanted nothing to do with baby.  Baby had special needs.  She moved back in with her parents for years to help with raising the baby.  I don't know if she pursued child support.  I do know the dad was never involved.  She had to change her life around to raise her son particularly because he had special needs.  He's an adult now.  

My friend's friend had a boyfriend.  She didn't tell him her BC pill would be less effective as she was on antibiotics.  She claimed she didn't know.  He was mad.  They had the baby and married and stayed married.

A man I dated had a short term girlfriend.  He never put it this way as he didn't want to gossip but it was clear she got pregnant on purpose.  She was almost 40 and he was in his 40s.  He didn't want to marry her.  He was horribly criticized by many and actually had to switch his field of study given his harmed reputation.  He and she co-parented.  He slept at her home to help when the baby was a newborn.  The baby is now in college.  I dated him for about two months before the baby was born and about a month after as I realized I just couldn't handle the situation.  We met at a singles retreat.  He invited me to his place for lunch.  (No not for sex -he did not even touch me). At the lunch he told me about his situation.  On our first date.  

So yes indirectly.

I am sorry RKO that you've received messages in your inbox (I sent nothing and would never do such a thing and believe it's not allowed on this forum). 

[Jaunty]

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 

The OP chose to get drunk, chose to have unprotected sex with a woman he didn't know or have that conversation with beforehand and now is dealing with potentially fathering a child.  The woman chose to get drunk, chose to have unprotected sex, possibly had already had sex with others (whether protected or otherwise) and now is growing a human being/is pregnant and has chosen not to terminate thus far (I assume it's too late now) and apparently has chosen not to put the baby up for adoption thus far.  

 

Right.  

The issue I have is that the woman and the OP did the same act, but the woman is being dragged through the dirt here for 33 pages because of it.  Which was the exact same action as the OP's.   

Drunk unprotected sex.  It happens.  This is a predictable possible result.  

I can't say I have had the same experience.  My experience was getting a woman I was casually seeing pregnant due to unprotected sex.  Not drunk - just horny and young.   I did not want to have a child, she also did not, and she aborted. I took it seriously and honestly had some ethical qualms about aborting.  She was cavalier about it.

I took her to the appointment and then spent 2 days at her apartment trying to "be there for her."  As soon as that was over I was on my way with my life.  

Following the procedure, she went into post-partum depression, dropped out of university, and had a very rough few years.  

I'm also a parent of an adult daughter who was very much wanted and always loved.  Raising her to navigate her own sexuality in this world was quite a challenge and, frankly, sometimes seemed insurmountable.  When I am faced with this type of double standard that directly focusses on the decimation of a woman's character because she HAD SEX, it activates a response.

 

 

 

 

[RKO]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Putting your impressions aside I think all people should discuss what birth control is being used, what the plan would be if there is an accidental pregnancy no matter how arousing it is or not or in between.  It's called being a responsible adult and it is why I've spent hours already with my son reading the series of sex ed books our pediatrician recommended, over the last 3-4 years (he is 13, no interaction like that at all yet but it's not too soon to prepare in the appropriate way).  The last book in the series -for his age- discusses in a wonderfully informative and age appropriate way about the risks of pregnancy, about birth control, about the risks of unprotected sex and the inherent risk of pregnancy no matter what forms of BC you use.

I am not talking about whether I am a planner or not.  It's irrelevant.  I'm just an adult who behaved like one when I became sexually active. I don't care what most people do.  I am giving my opinion that it's totally fine to have a ONS or casual sex or unprotected sex between two consenting adults.  Many do, many find it pleasurable/fun/exciting whatever.  Cool! And it's not fine to prioritize arousal and excitement over a discussion about STDs and pregnancy risks and the potential for creating a baby.  Certainly there are exceptions.  There are infertile women, infertile men, women who know for sure they want no child and will use MAP or abortion or whatever so there's really no need (and if the man does want to father a child well he can communicate that beforehand in case the woman would definitely choose termination). 

Many things in life that are really fun and thrilling require mundane conversations and some amount of planning.  It's fun to eat vegetable sushi and it's fun to eat hot fudge sundaes and it's not so fun to have to talk about whether anyone in your group could have a life threatening allergic reaction because there could be hidden nuts or the same knife could have cut shellfish sushi.  It's not fun.  It's boring.  But just like risking creating a life who wants to risk a life threatening allergic reaction? 

The OP chose to get drunk, chose to have unprotected sex with a woman he didn't know or have that conversation with beforehand and now is dealing with potentially fathering a child.  The woman chose to get drunk, chose to have unprotected sex, possibly had already had sex with others (whether protected or otherwise) and now is growing a human being/is pregnant and has chosen not to terminate thus far (I assume it's too late now) and apparently has chosen not to put the baby up for adoption thus far.  That is her right -those are her main options I suppose.  Of course she acted irresponsibly if she did not want to be pregnant (I assume she did not - maybe she did? I just do not know).

 

Heaven forbid when your son gets drunk, which he will, and makes a mistake, which he will.

I’ve had all the sex education, I have behaved impeccably sexually all my life and my guard went down once and this is what potentially happened.

Sure you can keep reading all the books to your son, but I can guarantee in a moment of drunken passion that will be the last thing on his mind.

You might have to revisit this thread yourself one day and realise how high and mighty some have your posts have come across

[RKO]

4 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Right.  

The issue I have is that the woman and the OP did the same act, but the woman is being dragged through the dirt here for 33 pages because of it.  Which was the exact same action as the OP's.   

Drunk unprotected sex.  It happens.  This is a predictable possible result.  

 

 

 

Jesus, have you even read it? Have you seen the responses? Have you seen that 9/10 of posts on here are blaming me.

also not dragged her name through the mud either, I’ve just stared facts. If you think that’s me casting shade on her then possibly, just possibly it could be her actions that shady and not me?
 

one for you to think about 

[Jaunty]

17 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

XXX