ONS - Pregnancy

[MissCanuck]

What advice are you looking for at this point, OP?

 

[90_hour_sleep]

You're probably long gone, RKO....but I'm curious what happened for you.  Tough set of circumstances for everyone.  A very polarizing situation.  I feel for you and the mother.  
 

I hope however it all unfolds that you're able to move on with your life in a positive way.

 

[RKO]

Hi @90_hour_sleep 

Funny you should ask. Up until this evening I hadn’t heard anything from her. I’ve been doing ok, putting my weight back on, getting on with some areas of life and generally feeling better.

Today though, for a reason I don’t know, I messaged her, we hadn’t spoke since mid September.

I asked how she was and how things were and if she had a change of mind about a paternity test at birth. I wish I hadn’t have asked.

She hasn’t changed her mind and asked me why would she? Said she’s willing to do prenatal one. Again I gave the reasons why and said I was a tad shocked that she couldn’t see my view.
I asked why is she so against one and she said she didn’t want the 1st thing to be a paternity straight away at birth and have it hanging over her.

She asked why I wouldn’t do this prenatal one for “peace of mind” I to,d her reasons why and said it’s a bit more than peace of mind now due to her reaction setting off alarm bells when I asked initially for a test which she flat out refused. Again she got angry and said I was “an awful human being” and how dare I talk to her like a piece of sh*t. I responded by saying I hadn’t ever remotely talked down to her but said I’m biting my lip at the minute so best we leave it there.

she ended the text exchange saying the same and she will continue to do this alone but would meet in person if I wanted although said she’s not changing her mind.

So that’s where I am, still in limbo, unsure of the future, scared to plan things, scared to spend money on things I need now, scared to start dating.

 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, RKO said:

Today  I messaged her, we hadn’t spoke since mid September.

it would be best to leave her in peace.

[RKO]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

it would be best to leave her in peace.

Now I will. I think 2.5 months is long enough to have changed your mind about something if you were going to. Nothing more I can do 

just leaves me in limbo still 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, RKO said:

 I think 2.5 months is long enough to have changed your mind about something if you were going to.

Stop contacting her. She doesn't have to change her mind.

[RKO]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stop contacting her. She doesn't have to change her mind.

True, but there’s many things she doesn’t have to do and has done, so there we are

[MissCanuck]

38 minutes ago, RKO said:

Said she’s willing to do prenatal one. Again I gave the reasons why and said I was a tad shocked that she couldn’t see my view.

Forgive me, but why are you shocked?

This has been her view since you two found out she is pregnant. I get that it's not the response you wanted, but it's not clear why you're surprised. She has been consistent with her preference from the beginning, as far as I can tell. 

42 minutes ago, RKO said:

unsure of the future, scared to plan things, scared to spend money on things I need now, scared to start dating

Yes, I would hold off on dating or making bigger financial decisions until you can legally establish paternity after the baby arrives. It's unpleasant, but there is not much you can do about that right now. 

[RKO]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Forgive me, but why are you shocked?

This has been her view since you two found out she is pregnant. I get that it's not the response you wanted, but it's not clear why you're surprised. She has been consistent with her preference from the beginning, as far as I can tell. 

Yes, I would hold off on dating or making bigger financial decisions until you can legally establish paternity after the baby arrives. It's unpleasant, but there is not much you can do about that right now. 

Ok maybe shocked not the right word, but surprised that she still can’t see my point of view. 
 

I won’t be pursuing legally establishing paternity, I’m sorry but that’s on her now, if she wants to deny the child a potential father and not have any financial support then that’s up to her.

She knows I’m happy to do a test at birth so all she has to do is ask.

[MissCanuck]

5 minutes ago, RKO said:

I won’t be pursuing legally establishing paternity, I’m sorry but that’s on her now

Exactly. 

So, you are putting yourself in limbo too. Resist the temptation to place the blame solely on her for your limbo. You have legal avenues you can take if you really want to know. And if you choose not to exercise them, that is your right. But then, you can't exactly grumble about not knowing the truth and being scared of the future. 

That's as much on you as her. 

[boltnrun]

9 minutes ago, RKO said:

surprised that she still can’t see my point of view. 

And she's probably equally surprised you can't see hers.

Agree that you shouldn't attempt to contact her anymore. She's not going to change her mind just because you want her to. All it does is aggravate the both of you. Whether or not you like her, she's pregnant and shouldn't be experiencing emotional distress because it could harm the baby. And it's not healthy for you either.

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, RKO said:

if she wants to deny the child a potential father and not have any financial support then that’s up to her.

Exactly, which is why you need  to step back in peace and not pester and try to coerce her repeatedly with the same arguments over and over. She owes you nothing. She has not asked anything from you. Make sure friends and family aren't driving the poor decisions to keep harassing her.

[RKO]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly, which is why you need  to step back in peace and not pester and try to coerce her repeatedly with the same arguments over and over. She owes you nothing. She has not asked anything from you. Make sure friends and family aren't driving the poor decisions to keep harassing her.

Todays decision to contact her was mine. I don’t talk about her with friends anymore, my best friend said to me “I’ll know you do what’s right for you and that’s all that matters” good bit of advice I thought. He also said be careful of peoples advice that have never been in this position. It’s easy to advise when you haven’t been in it. 
 

As mentioned it was the 1st time since September we had spoken so I wouldn’t call it harassment. I’m done with that now anyway. I’ve done what I can

[RKO]

17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And she's probably equally surprised you can't see hers.

Agree that you shouldn't attempt to contact her anymore. She's not going to change her mind just because you want her to. All it does is aggravate the both of you. Whether or not you like her, she's pregnant and shouldn't be experiencing emotional distress because it could harm the baby. And it's not healthy for you either.

Really? I have to disagree on that.

A man that’s been accused of creating a baby but the woman who openly admits having sex with someone else the same time refuses to do the legal paternity?
 

The emotional stress caused is all on her, it was her call to do all this the way she has, if she thought it would be plain sailing then more fool her 

[boltnrun]

Just now, RKO said:

Really? I have to disagree on that.

Apparently she doesn't agree.

Contacting her and then getting into an argument is in fact you causing distress, especially if she said previously she doesn't want any communication from you. If she asked you to check in on her, that's a different story.

Whether or not you wanted the baby, it's bad for her to get worked up while pregnant. The baby didn't cause this situation and doesn't deserve to potentially be harmed. Yes, it is possible. 

And yes, I'm seeing this from the point of view of a woman who's been pregnant several times but wasn't able to carry to term each time. Being emotionally distressed definitely causes issues. 

[RKO]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Apparently she doesn't agree.

Contacting her and then getting into an argument is in fact you causing distress, especially if she said previously she doesn't want any communication from you. If she asked you to check in on her, that's a different story.

Whether or not you wanted the baby, it's bad for her to get worked up while pregnant. The baby didn't cause this situation and doesn't deserve to potentially be harmed. Yes, it is possible. 

And yes, I'm seeing this from the point of view of a woman who's been pregnant several times but wasn't able to carry to term each time. Being emotionally distressed definitely causes issues. 

She’s never said she doesn’t want communication off me, just “I’ll leave you with your decision”

Again, incredibly naive and stupid on her behalf on expecting her decisions and actions to cause her no stress.

perhaps if she had spoken to me sooner and not come to this decision then it could have been avoided.

[Batya33]

Her point of view is significantly affected by her responsibility and her physical and emotional condition resulting from growing a human inside her.  I fully admit I overreacted when I was pregnant, because I was pregnant and can fully understand why someone else who'd never been pregnant (plus could never be pregnant) would not get my point of view.  I remember getting really mad at a customer at a UPS store.  I was there to get my new passport photo. I was around 7 months pregnant and obviously pregnant.  While waiting in line to pay for the photo a male customer carelessly dropped a rather large box on my foot.  It was obvious he didn't care who could be standing behind him or check. 

When you're pregnant it's hard enough to stand for long periods of time but the last thing you need is an injury that would require first aid or a doctor visit -it's hard to bend over and there are already so many doctor visits. 

He could not understand why I was concerned that he'd dropped a heavy box on a pregnant lady's foot.  Or the woman who came to a work meeting with a bad cold, wiped her nose with her hand and held her hand out to shake mine when I waddled over with my pregnant belly.  I had to shake her hand in the situation and had to sit there worrying about when I could obtain sanitizer/wash my hands. 

Please know that even for pregnant women who have a partner, support, are thrilled -it truly is a delicate condition and often a hormonal time and an exhausting time.  You don't really get it and you don't get her in general and I'm not quite sure why you seem surprised that you contacted her -somehow you contacted her -you implied it wasn't in your control? You chose to -she didn't contact you -and it does take two but you initiating it is fairly significant.  

Please don't be surprised she didn't change her mind.  I'd avoid contact as you have decided and try not to create more stress/drama for yourself.

[RKO]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Her point of view is significantly affected by her responsibility and her physical and emotional condition resulting from growing a human inside her.  I fully admit I overreacted when I was pregnant, because I was pregnant and can fully understand why someone else who'd never been pregnant (plus could never be pregnant) would not get my point of view.  I remember getting really mad at a customer at a UPS store.  I was there to get my new passport photo. I was around 7 months pregnant and obviously pregnant.  While waiting in line to pay for the photo a male customer carelessly dropped a rather large box on my foot.  It was obvious he didn't care who could be standing behind him or check. 

When you're pregnant it's hard enough to stand for long periods of time but the last thing you need is an injury that would require first aid or a doctor visit -it's hard to bend over and there are already so many doctor visits. 

He could not understand why I was concerned that he'd dropped a heavy box on a pregnant lady's foot.  Or the woman who came to a work meeting with a bad cold, wiped her nose with her hand and held her hand out to shake mine when I waddled over with my pregnant belly.  I had to shake her hand in the situation and had to sit there worrying about when I could obtain sanitizer/wash my hands. 

Please know that even for pregnant women who have a partner, support, are thrilled -it truly is a delicate condition and often a hormonal time and an exhausting time.  You don't really get it and you don't get her in general and I'm not quite sure why you seem surprised that you contacted her -somehow you contacted her -you implied it wasn't in your control? You chose to -she didn't contact you -and it does take two but you initiating it is fairly significant.  

Please don't be surprised she didn't change her mind.  I'd avoid contact as you have decided and try not to create more stress/drama for yourself.

Whilst I understand what you are saying the points you make, getting a box dropped on your foot or some disgusting person touching you, those are common sense and clear why you’d be upset. I am not putting down someone refusing a paternity test down to hormones. 
 

not sure what you’re  saying I’m surprised I contacted her? Not said that, or even said it was out of my control to do so.

Agreed about not having contact

[boltnrun]

I can't speak for @Batya33, but my point is you two wouldn't have gotten into an argument if you hadn't decided out of the blue to contact her. As a result, she is possibly under even more stress than she already was from being a single pregnant woman with no emotional support from her baby's father (and yes, that is her choice so I'm not pinning that on you). Adding to her stress is ill advised because it could harm the baby. 

I'm glad you've decided not to contact her anymore. As long as she's pregnant the priority HAS to be the health and wellbeing of the baby. Anything you may be thinking or feeling has to take a back seat behind her having a healthy baby. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, RKO said:

Today though, for a reason I don’t know, I messaged her, we hadn’t spoke since mid September.

This is what I meant.  The reason you contacted her is because you chose to -what's this "reason I don't know".

[gamon]

Contacting her is clearly nonproductive and stressful for both of you.

You're just going to have to accept that there are no answers forthcoming and life your live accordingly.

It blows but there's nothing you can do about it.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

Have you contacted lawyers to just lay out your options in regards to the paternity test? If not, maybe it's something you should look into for peace of mind.

[tufntender]

6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

And she's probably equally surprised you can't see hers.

Agree that you shouldn't attempt to contact her anymore. She's not going to change her mind just because you want her to. All it does is aggravate the both of you. Whether or not you like her, she's pregnant and shouldn't be experiencing emotional distress because it could harm the baby. And it's not healthy for you either.

I agree with the OG. Something is fishy here if she doesn't want to do a prenatal test. Perhaps she doesn;t  know who the father is. I think if she were sure about you fathering this unborn child she would consent to the test.I feel she wants to keep you in limbo, perhaps if her supposed other intimate encounters are unwilling to go that route, worst case she may not even really know the person by his full name. I am not shaming the woman, I, personally have witnessed similar issues with one friend and also a relative. I do not know her motive . I unerstand you are reaching out and asking if she is doing okay, I think it is nice you do it. Stash a bit of money away.If she does not contact you after the birth I'd still be on guard as a a DNA test can be done and requested at any given time and if you are indeed the father you may have to pay child spupport and be in arreas ( sp). Keep money tucked away and if you are not the biological father you can keep on saving for a rainy day orspend it on something nice for yourself. If I was you I'd want to know also. Keep us updated, please!

 

[tufntender]

...

 

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, tufntender said:

Something is fishy here if she doesn't want to do a prenatal test.

She does want to do the prenatal test. The OP is the one who doesn't want it. He wants to do the postnatal DNA test.