ONS - Pregnancy

[RKO]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well that's for you to figure out. You stated you wanted nothing to do with her. You're just curious if it's yours. If you actually paid an attorney then you would know what your options are in the matter.  That's all that matters. Not what theoretical choices you have.

A solicitor doesn’t offer moral advice, they offer advice in line with the law. Which I have done.

Its clear some people would be ok with just walking away, head in sand and forgetting - vibes I get off you,

Whilst others would want to find out.

 

this is where I feel lost and looking for help

[MissCanuck]

I'm a woman, but in your shoes, I could not go my whole life not knowing if this child was mine. 

 

[RKO]

21 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I'm a woman, but in your shoes, I could not go my whole life not knowing if this child was mine. 

 

That’s part of where my thinking is too but then it flips to me thinking, well it can’t be mine as she flat out refused paternity test at birth must be a reason for that and fact she’s happy to not pursue me for anything

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, RKO said:

well it can’t be mine as she flat out refused paternity test at birth must be a reason for that and fact she’s happy to not pursue me for anything

I would not talk myself into believing the baby isn't yours, when you don't have the scientific evidence to rule it out.

That would personally not be enough for me to live with for the rest of my life. 

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, RKO said:

Whilst others would want to find out.

Actually if you had spoken to a paid attorney you would know what your options are legally such as what costs and legalities are involved in getting this woman to allow you to test HER child's DNA. So there's no point in this "moral" argument because you have no facts or accurate medical or legal information. You may "wanna find out", but without talking to an attorney about getting DNA from this woman's child, your point is moot.

[Batya33]

43 minutes ago, RKO said:

A solicitor doesn’t offer moral advice, they offer advice in line with the law. Which I have done.

Its clear some people would be ok with just walking away, head in sand and forgetting - vibes I get off you,

Whilst others would want to find out.

 

this is where I feel lost and looking for help

So far you’re leaning heavily towards just walking off as far as being an involved father beyond $. I agree to confirm paternity in an accurate and timely way. I would want to know okky if I planned on being involved or for genetic reasons. You keep mentioning who the mother is.  Aside from a situation where your life was in danger your not liking her post orgasm (when you at least liked her sexually ) is irrelevant. If you want to know it should be because you have the best interests of the child involved.

 I’m not a fan of certain travel with my husband and I do it for our son - he could solo parent it at this point. I’d get a huge and much needed break but I feel it’s in my son’s best interest to experience travel as a family. And have access to all the snacks my husband would never remember.  
 

Seriously-I love my husband and I make sacrifices where it would be nice to have me time or I don’t like how he’s  reacting etc but as a parent I consider my son’s needs first with rare exception.  

So I don’t relate at all to you factoring that post-orgasm you’re not a fan of this pregnant person. Who cares. Step up to the plate.  Or not. But not IMO whether you would have chosen her as the mother of your child from an emotional perspective. You may have from a sexual perspective. Remains to be seen. 

when my friend was going through post divorce child support issues the local family court (US) had an office where you could seek legal advice for free. Perhaps there is something like that to supplement your situation so you don’t spend thousands on legal fees?

[RKO]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Actually if you had spoken to a paid attorney you would know what your options are legally such as what costs and legalities are involved in getting this woman to allow you to test HER child's DNA. So there's no point in this "moral" argument because you have no facts or accurate medical or legal information. You may "wanna find out", but without talking to an attorney about getting DNA from this woman's child, your point is moot.

Which I have done and because I have proof off her saying I am the father then I could go down that path and Persue. The court would assume I’m the father if she refused DNA test.

So it’s not really moot and something that can be swept under the proverbial carpet

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, RKO said:

.The court would assume I’m the father if she refused DNA test.

Talk to intelligent people and attorneys. Try not to make up stuff. Perhaps where you are but elsewhere the only time paternity is "assumed" is in a married couple.

[RKO]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Talk to intelligent people and attorneys. Try not to make up stuff.

I’d suggest not Accusing me of making things up when i have it from a solicitor.

The court would act in the best interests of the child and could give me parental responsibility due to me having evidence off her saying I’m the father but then Her for the dna. IF I pursued that.

 

Alternatively, if it was HER seeking for child support and refused the child having a DNA test then CMS would then presume I’m not the father

[RKO]

42 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So far you’re leaning heavily towards just walking off as far as being an involved father beyond $. I agree to confirm paternity in an accurate and timely way. I would want to know okky if I planned on being involved or for genetic reasons. You keep mentioning who the mother is.  Aside from a situation where your life was in danger your not liking her post orgasm (when you at least liked her sexually ) is irrelevant. If you want to know it should be because you have the best interests of the child involved.

 I’m not a fan of certain travel with my husband and I do it for our son - he could solo parent it at this point. I’d get a huge and much needed break but I feel it’s in my son’s best interest to experience travel as a family. And have access to all the snacks my husband would never remember.  
 

Seriously-I love my husband and I make sacrifices where it would be nice to have me time or I don’t like how he’s  reacting etc but as a parent I consider my son’s needs first with rare exception.  

So I don’t relate at all to you factoring that post-orgasm you’re not a fan of this pregnant person. Who cares. Step up to the plate.  Or not. But not IMO whether you would have chosen her as the mother of your child from an emotional perspective. You may have from a sexual perspective. Remains to be seen. 

when my friend was going through post divorce child support issues the local family court (US) had an office where you could seek legal advice for free. Perhaps there is something like that to supplement your situation so you don’t spend thousands on legal fees?

Thanks, I get that with your husband, maybe a bit of give and take for best of your child. That’s the key difference though, he’s your husband and you are in love.

I know I made a mistake having sex with this woman, as she did with me. At this point in time though I can’t see me ever not resenting her. I feel like, she’s taken my freedom away, I know she said I can walk away but what human can hand on heart do that and not feel *something * and just able to turn off that feeling.

I just don’t know how to approach, I could get Involved now but run the risk of wasting emotions and finding out the child isn’t mine (if ons is even open to that)

I could just keep doing what I’m doing and pursue at birth, possibly get messy

or do nothing and wait for a day that may never come

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, RKO said:

and could give me parental responsibility due to me having evidence off her saying I’m the father

Wow that's crazy. No one would be stuck with child support/paternity where I am based on someone's say so.

Did your attorneys tell you you are automatically the father based on a text from her? Or is this speculation from your friends? 

 Anyway the point is moot because you need to ask your attorneys what it would entail to get her child's DNA sample and how much that will cost you in testing, court fees and legal fees.

 

[RKO]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Wow that's crazy. No one would be stuck with child support/paternity where I am based on someone's say so.

Did your attorneys tell you you are automatically the father based on a text from her? Or is this speculation from your friends? 

 Anyway the point is moot because you need to ask your attorneys what it would entail to get her child's DNA sample and how much that will cost you in testing, court fees and legal fees.

I think you have misread.

I wouldnt be stuck with child support unless DNA proved I was bio father OR she ordered DNA through court and I refused test. Court would presume I’m the father 

Solicitor says I have proof in form of text that I’m alledged father, along with screenshots of all texts. IF I perused parental responsibility after birth then court would ask her for DNA test, if she refused then they could grant me parental responsibility based off fact she’s refused so I would be assumed father. 
 

Court act on child’s best interest.

 

so all this is from my solicitor, not friends advice

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, RKO said:

Solicitor says I have proof in form of text that I’m alledged father

So you have zip until the child's DNA is compared to yours.

There's no point arguing about "what ifs" because your friends are saying stupid stuff like "I know you'll do the right thing" or "you would make a good dad" when these comments are  based on presumptions.

[RKO]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So you have zip until the child's DNA is compared to yours.

There's no point arguing about "what ifs" because your friends are saying stupid stuff like "I know you'll do the right thing" or "you would make a good dad" when these comments are  based on presumptions.

Correct but we’ve all known this and spoke about it several times on here.

Its the moral question of what to do now

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, RKO said:

Correct but we’ve all known this and spoke about it several times on here.

Its the moral question of what to do now

There is no "moral question" until you have factual information and it is proven that you are the father. The rest is just mindless arguing such as "how long is a piece of string?"

You're a grown man, if you can afford to prove it's yours, only you can decide to be involved with it or not financially or otherwise. There is really no question or debate.

[MissCanuck]

14 minutes ago, RKO said:

Its the moral question of what to do now

That's a conclusion only you can arrive at. 

You are always going to get a mixed bag of answers, from everyone. Some will be in favour of you doing nothing and going on your way. Some will tell you to step up. The answers aren't going to change. It's a divisive issue so you can expect mixed results every time you ask. 

You have to make the choice by yourself, and be prepared to own that choice. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, RKO said:

I feel like, she’s taken my freedom away,

No, YOU did when you willingly chose to have unprotected sex with her. She did not become pregnant by herself and then randomly decide to pick you as the father. Seeing yourself as a victim just isn't a truthful narrative.

You can go round and round mentally for the next 25-ish weeks and get yourself into a state. Or you can get some mental health professional help to navigate through the situation. 

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, RKO said:

Thanks, I get that with your husband, maybe a bit of give and take for best of your child. That’s the key difference though, he’s your husband and you are in love.

I know I made a mistake having sex with this woman, as she did with me. At this point in time though I can’t see me ever not resenting her. I feel like, she’s taken my freedom away, I know she said I can walk away but what human can hand on heart do that and not feel *something * and just able to turn off that feeling.

I just don’t know how to approach, I could get Involved now but run the risk of wasting emotions and finding out the child isn’t mine (if ons is even open to that)

I could just keep doing what I’m doing and pursue at birth, possibly get messy

or do nothing and wait for a day that may never come

No.  My point is if you want to parent a child what you think of the mother on a personal level shouldn’t be a factor the way you are describing.  Then it’s not about the best interests of the child.  Which is to have two involved parents if at all possible.  It would be possible here if you are the father. 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, RKO said:

I feel like, she’s taken my freedom away

Nope. 

The moment you decided to go ahead and ejaculate inside her without any sort of contraception was the moment you took your own freedom away. 

You need to at least take ownership of your own poor choices and quit blaming her. 

 

[RKO]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Nope. 

The moment you decided to go ahead and ejaculate inside her without any sort of contraception was the moment you took your own freedom away. 

You need to at least take ownership of your own poor choices and quit blaming her. 

 

It was 50/50 at best

She said it was fine, encouraged me to do it, then after it changed her mind and said she wasn’t on anything.

she possibly failed to take MAP (or at the very least was blasé and took it days later)

 

let’s not lay total blame at my door

 

[boltnrun]

Just now, RKO said:

let’s not lay total blame at my door

Or at hers.  You keep saying she "forced" you or she "took away" your "freedom".  She did no such thing.  You were perfectly free to not have sex or to wear a condom.  I'm not sure how she's responsible for you choosing to enter her unprotected.  Good luck going into a courtroom and claiming she "forced" you to have sex or "forced" you to put your penis inside her unprotected.

Isn't this all a moot point anyway?  You chose to have unprotected sex, she's pregnant and the child is either yours or it's not.  No way to do a thing about it unless or until she requests a DNA test.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, RKO said:

she possibly failed to take MAP (or at the very least was blasé and took it days later)

Stop backtracking. It's pointless finger-pointing. What's done is done.

Now it's a matter of how much you can afford in legal fees, court fees, test costs to pursue getting the child's DNA and whatever father's rights you seem to be worried about such as visitation (which is the only right you have).

If she pursues your DNA for a match and child support that is not an optional, as it's the child's legal right. It's really that simple and not a "moral" conundrum. 

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, RKO said:

It was 50/50 at best

Exactly. And that is why it's ridiculous to suggest she is somehow taking away your freedom or forced your hand here. 

You are a grown man who used very poor judgment. That's nobody's fault but yours. 

[JoyfulCompany]

There's a big difference between responsibility and guilt.
If you choose to view it as responsibility, there are no victims.
Resenting her at this point won't help you in any way.

Explore all the possible legal details. Then decide on your actions as per your heart's desires. It's that simple.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Exactly. And that is why it's ridiculous to suggest she is somehow taking away your freedom or forced your hand here. 

You are a grown man who used very poor judgment. That's nobody's fault but yours. 

You also chose to get drunk and chose the greatly increased risk of poor judgment in just that sort of situation.