ONS - Pregnancy

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, RKO said:

Yes like mentally preparing for the situation that baby is mine and she comes for child support and then could I just walk away from the child, I keep,flipping between feelings on that admittedly.

I just have a gut feeling it’s mine, despite all these red flags

Oh I see- so yes if you're wondering if you'll change your mind and want to be an involved father my recommendation is given all the what ifs wait until you actually are faced with that situation -a lot can happen for you in the meanwhile.  

By analogy it was incredibly difficult for me as a 42 year old pregnant woman never pregnant before to focus on day to day instead of all the what ifs that could go wrong with me, the baby, etc.  It was extremely difficult in light of the temptation to go down the rabbit hole of the parade of horribles on the internet. So I forced myself to choose two pregnancy books that made sense to me and only read those plus listen to my doctors.  My doctor asked me in my second trimester why I was asking whether I had placenta previa - a potentially bad situation for the developing fetus. I replied "because the book I'm reading listed this as one risk during the second trimester.  She reminded me that since I had zero symptoms of placenta previa, worrying I "would" get it just because it was a second trimester risk was silly. 

Same thing here - you can consider all the what ifs that could happen (if indeed she carries a full term pregnancy, if indeed you are the father, if indeed she wants you to be tested) - but there are no "symptoms" of any of it other than the fact of a pregnant person you had sex with during the period of time in which she became pregnant.  

Your ruminations aren't going to help the decision at all when there's no decision to make for months if ever.

[boltnrun]

I find if something is "mentally" bothering me the best way to deal with it is to physically prepare. So like I said about 20 pages ago, start saving money. Put some aside each paycheck in case you:ll need it for whatever. Keep yourself physically fit with exercise and a healthy diet. Get adequate sleep. Keep your relationships with family and TRUE friends good. Perform well at your job and look for opportunities if that's what you want.

Other than that there's not much you can do. Ruminating and obsessing doesn't fix anything, so find ways to redirect your thoughts. Fixating on "but what if???" also isn't productive. Google methods to redirect thoughts. If you're still struggling, look into professional help.

This is what I'd advise for anyone who's dealing with something that upsets them.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

find if something is "mentally" bothering me the best way to deal with it is to physically prepare. So like I said about 20 pages ago, start saving money. Put some aside each paycheck in case you:ll need it for whatever. Keep yourself physically fit with exercise and a healthy diet. Get adequate sleep. Keep your relationships with family and TRUE friends good. Perform well at your job and look for opportunities if that's what you want.

I agree with this particularly since what she suggested in general is good for your life and life goals. 

[RKO]

33 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh I see- so yes if you're wondering if you'll change your mind and want to be an involved father my recommendation is given all the what ifs wait until you actually are faced with that situation -a lot can happen for you in the meanwhile.  

By analogy it was incredibly difficult for me as a 42 year old pregnant woman never pregnant before to focus on day to day instead of all the what ifs that could go wrong with me, the baby, etc.  It was extremely difficult in light of the temptation to go down the rabbit hole of the parade of horribles on the internet. So I forced myself to choose two pregnancy books that made sense to me and only read those plus listen to my doctors.  My doctor asked me in my second trimester why I was asking whether I had placenta previa - a potentially bad situation for the developing fetus. I replied "because the book I'm reading listed this as one risk during the second trimester.  She reminded me that since I had zero symptoms of placenta previa, worrying I "would" get it just because it was a second trimester risk was silly. 

Same thing here - you can consider all the what ifs that could happen (if indeed she carries a full term pregnancy, if indeed you are the father, if indeed she wants you to be tested) - but there are no "symptoms" of any of it other than the fact of a pregnant person you had sex with during the period of time in which she became pregnant.  

Your ruminations aren't going to help the decision at all when there's no decision to make for months if ever.

Thank you, when you put it down like that it makes perfect sense.

I really feel I’ve gone backwards since the weekend when the news was broadcast from her that she was pregnant and “the father doesn’t want to be involved” line. A couple of genuine concerns from friends and a couple of people just wanting to be nosey. If I take a step back and of course only up to now, apart from them couple of days of messages it hasn’t been as bad as it could have been, to my face/messages at least.

I think I’m struggling with the fact that people know now, thankfully they seem to think how I’ve acted so far has been spot on but I’m not sure if I’m letting their opinions influence me. Examples from friends

 “I know if it is yours you wouldn’t just abandon it and you’d be there to support”

”you’d make a great dad, you be amazing and work it all out fine”

”you have us (friends) to support you”

 

Then almost judgemental silence when I said I’d offer financial support but I do t know if I can play a part in its life if mine.

[Batya33]

Just now, RKO said:

Thank you, when you put it down like that it makes perfect sense.

I really feel I’ve gone backwards since the weekend when the news was broadcast from her that she was pregnant and “the father doesn’t want to be involved” line. A couple of genuine concerns from friends and a couple of people just wanting to be nosey. If I take a step back and of course only up to now, apart from them couple of days of messages it hasn’t been as bad as it could have been, to my face/messages at least.

I think I’m struggling with the fact that people know now, thankfully they seem to think how I’ve acted so far has been spot on but I’m not sure if I’m letting their opinions influence me. Examples from friends

 “I know if it is yours you wouldn’t just abandon it and you’d be there to support”

”you’d make a great dad, you be amazing and work it all out fine”

”you have us (friends) to support you”

 

Then almost judgemental silence when I said I’d offer financial support but I do t know if I can play a part in its life if mine.

I mean of course you can if you choose to. I think the comments from friends will die down.  It's like my well meaning friends reacted when my father passed away - assuming I was falling over in grief, devastated.  Those spoken assumptions were irritating - spoken without having asked me how I was feeling.  Not everyone had a close relationship with a parent and sometimes there is a feeling of relief as well when the parent -as mine was -was suffering so with alzheimers and mental illness.  But those comments died down -no pun intended.  It reminds you doesn't it how we have these knee jerk reactions to life events. 

Watch the Sex and the City where Miranda gets pregnant by accident, finds she cannot bring herself to abort (but really really doesn't want to be a single mom), and the ultrasound technician tells her it's a boy with this over the top excited expression -Miranda looks at her neutrally and the technician looks so confused so Miranda fakes excitement.  Just deflect and fake it -it's none of their business and consider many have good intent -which should help. 

[RKO]

20 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I find if something is "mentally" bothering me the best way to deal with it is to physically prepare. So like I said about 20 pages ago, start saving money. Put some aside each paycheck in case you:ll need it for whatever. Keep yourself physically fit with exercise and a healthy diet. Get adequate sleep. Keep your relationships with family and TRUE friends good. Perform well at your job and look for opportunities if that's what you want.

Other than that there's not much you can do. Ruminating and obsessing doesn't fix anything, so find ways to redirect your thoughts. Fixating on "but what if???" also isn't productive. Google methods to redirect thoughts. If you're still struggling, look into professional help.

This is what I'd advise for anyone who's dealing with something that upsets them.

Thankfully work has been a good distraction and I’ve been very sensible with finances as saving to buy my 1st house. IF the father that dream will be over (have worked out budget)

There is a worry with dating, typically I met someone a few days after the ONS. From out of town, no links to baby mother. We had hit it off, thinks were going great, then this happened. She had been away with work for a while but we still kept in touch most days.

When back she asked about seeing me, I confided in her and told her the brief story. She admitted it was a shock but took it well, said that she would love to see where things go with us and me having a baby with a ons whilst not ideal isn’t the be all and end all for her. She’s been great and left the door open and put no pressure on me but has mentioned I need to do what’s best for me and only I know that.

I’m not sure if dating is a good idea at the minute but then again should I be putting my life on hold for something that might not even be an issue? 
 

Honestly, the thought of sex with someone again petrifies me, even with all the protection going. What a mess

[Batya33]

I told you I dated a man who told me his ex girlfriend was pregnant, he did not want to marry her, he planned to coparent.  I dated him for a few months, baby was born and I realized the situation was not for me (including the mother's friends spotting me at a movie theater with him and staring me down -nice.).  I also wouldn't have dated him if he had decided not to be involved with the child but the difference is he knew 100% it was his, he was ready to co-parent -there wasn't this what if kind of thing. If I heard your story I would not date the man if his plan was to not be an involved father if the baby was his. 

But that is because I wanted kids of my own and a man who would choose to be an involved father. I'd have felt too shaky about his family values otherwise. 

Others might see an exception here because it was only a one night stand, accidental pregnancy, etc.  There are women who will see it as an exception, women who will realize it might not be yours so they'll take their chances, women who never want children and aren't close to children in their family or friend group such that they ponder things like best interests of the child, what a child is entitled to, etc.

Honestly, since you don't know if you are the father I also think it's ok to say nothing until you do and then explain the situation - and I mean sure if the woman asks if you've ever been involved in a situation where the woman got pregnant don't lie.  But that's not a typical question.  For all I know certain of the men I dated had been in that situation.  

[boltnrun]

19 minutes ago, RKO said:

Then almost judgemental silence when I said I’d offer financial support but I do t know if I can play a part in its life if mine.

See, there was no need to say that. What happened to "This is a private matter, sorry but I'm not able to discuss it"?

This is what I meant by adding to your problems. Now you have these "friends" involved. If any of them know her they'll go running to her with a report of what you said.

Please for your own sake, don't go into this kind of detail with people other than friends who don't know her or any of the people who do know her. Don't make things more difficult for yourself.

[RKO]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

See, there was no need to say that. What happened to "This is a private matter, sorry but I'm not able to discuss it"?

This is what I meant by adding to your problems. Now you have these "friends" involved. If any of them know her they'll go running to her with a report of what you said.

Please for your own sake, don't go into this kind of detail with people other than friends who don't know her or any of the people who do know her. Don't make things more difficult for yourself.

They won’t speak to her. 100% won’t. I know this for a fact. As mentioned before, it’s my 2 best friends Ive known all my life. 
 

[RKO]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I told you I dated a man who told me his ex girlfriend was pregnant, he did not want to marry her, he planned to coparent.  I dated him for a few months, baby was born and I realized the situation was not for me (including the mother's friends spotting me at a movie theater with him and staring me down -nice.).  I also wouldn't have dated him if he had decided not to be involved with the child but the difference is he knew 100% it was his, he was ready to co-parent -there wasn't this what if kind of thing. If I heard your story I would not date the man if his plan was to not be an involved father if the baby was his. 

But that is because I wanted kids of my own and a man who would choose to be an involved father. I'd have felt too shaky about his family values otherwise. 

Others might see an exception here because it was only a one night stand, accidental pregnancy, etc.  There are women who will see it as an exception, women who will realize it might not be yours so they'll take their chances, women who never want children and aren't close to children in their family or friend group such that they ponder things like best interests of the child, what a child is entitled to, etc.

Honestly, since you don't know if you are the father I also think it's ok to say nothing until you do and then explain the situation - and I mean sure if the woman asks if you've ever been involved in a situation where the woman got pregnant don't lie.  But that's not a typical question.  For all I know certain of the men I dated had been in that situation.  

Yes totally get that. She did ask if there was any chance of me and baby mother having feelings and getting together which I replied zero chance and other party feels the exact same.

As you say, some will make an issue of it, some won’t, some will be inbetween.

I do know and can say hand on my heart, if this happened with an ex, or whilst in a relationship I wouldn’t have doubts and would be there straight away from the off.

The whole ONS thing is a total curveball imo

[Batya33]

Just now, RKO said:

I do know and can say hand on my heart, if this happened with an ex, or whilst in a relationship I wouldn’t have doubts and would be there straight away from the off.

The whole ONS thing is a total curveball imo

Why is that a curveball -just because you don't happen to have a relationship with the mother of the child? Why does it have to be a package deal for you to be an involved father to your child? 

[RKO]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why is that a curveball -just because you don't happen to have a relationship with the mother of the child? Why does it have to be a package deal for you to be an involved father to your child? 

Now this is just my trail of thought and I know it’s likely to be jumped on here but here goes:

if in a relationship then it would have been a loving one, I’d have felt something towards the mother, it wouldn’t have been “just” sex. If in a relationship then whilst not planned I’d have felt happier knowing I’d be raising a child with someone I was in love  with and cared for. No doubt it’s mine.

If was with an ex then possibly same as above applies, at one stage there was something there and baby made during it. No doubt it’s mine.

A ons, well nothing there, someone I spoke to for a couple of hours, sex happened because drunk and horny. We didn’t have sex for any other reason other than we wanted to get off. The next day MAP taken because she didn’t want a baby. I’m not walking out on her. There’s nothing to walk out from. Major doubt it’s mine and because of that missing out on all the scans, the prep, the excitement, the genuine happiness. Just no bond with the mother 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, RKO said:

“I know if it is yours you wouldn’t just abandon it and you’d be there to support”

”you’d make a great dad, you be amazing and work it all out fine”

”you have us (friends) to support you”

Yikes! Stop talking to these people about it! It's hard to believe you even talked about it to someone you just started dating. 

[boltnrun]

I think some people presume you'd have an emotional bond with the child because you created it (with its mother, of course). That is your genes, your DNA and maybe even a son who looks just like you or a daughter who looks like your sister or your mother.

But I know people who feel zero connection including the guy I dated who impregnated me and then raged at me, demanding I get an abortion. He had zero sentimental feelings toward his child and certainly none towards me even though we'd been dating for nearly a year.

I think we can't presume you must feel that connection or that you'd "fall in love" once you hold the baby. Not everyone reacts that way. Not even some birth mothers.

[RKO]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I think some people presume you'd have an emotional bond with the child because you created it (with its mother, of course). That is your genes, your DNA and maybe even a son who looks just like you or a daughter who looks like your sister or your mother.

But I know people who feel zero connection including the guy I dated who impregnated me and then raged at me, demanding I get an abortion. He had zero sentimental feelings toward his child and certainly none towards me even though we'd been dating for nearly a year.

I think we can't presume you must feel that connection or that you'd "fall in love" once you hold the baby. Not everyone reacts that way. Not even some birth mothers.

Yes I think you are right there, it’s one of them I Imagine you don’t know until it happens I guess.

 

Forgive me, I’m not sure if I asked or got lost here, did he ever meet your child?

[boltnrun]

Just now, RKO said:

Yes I think you are right there, it’s one of them I Imagine you don’t know until it happens I guess.

 

Forgive me, I’m not sure if I asked or got lost here, did he ever meet your child?

You did ask me. It's in the responses.

The baby didn't make it.

[RKO]

Just now, boltnrun said:

You did ask me. It's in the responses.

The baby didn't make it.

I’m so sorry

[tattoobunnie]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I think some people presume you'd have an emotional bond with the child because you created it (with its mother, of course). That is your genes, your DNA and maybe even a son who looks just like you or a daughter who looks like your sister or your mother.

But I know people who feel zero connection including the guy I dated who impregnated me and then raged at me, demanding I get an abortion. He had zero sentimental feelings toward his child and certainly none towards me even though we'd been dating for nearly a year.

I think we can't presume you must feel that connection or that you'd "fall in love" once you hold the baby. Not everyone reacts that way. Not even some birth mothers.

I wasn't head over heels, OMG, church bells ringing when I gave birth to my son.  But each day that I knew him, I loved him more and more each day.

But it is proven that absentee fathers do not form the same immediate bond.  When they are born, the hormones are so beyond strong that when you hold them, biologically you really start bonding.  If you wait weeks to months to years, you don't have that.  Smell is powerful.  I find with both my boys, any person they met the 1st week of their life, they always had a ease with them.  Anyone else who met them months later as a baby, stranger danger in the beginning.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

I wasn't head over heels, OMG, church bells ringing when I gave birth to my son.  But each day that I knew him, I loved him more and more each day.

But it is proven that absentee fathers do not form the same immediate bond.  When they are born, the hormones are so beyond strong that when you hold them, biologically you really start bonding.  If you wait weeks to months to years, you don't have that.  Smell is powerful.  I find with both my boys, any person they met the 1st week of their life, they always had a ease with them.  Anyone else who met them months later as a baby, stranger danger in the beginning.

That is so interesting and a little crazy in a good way!  Made me think of who our son met in the first week.  I have a friend whose daughter married about 9 years ago at age 17.  First baby at 19.  She admitted -as a teen mom -she was overwhelmed and not 'that into" her baby at first. But she did all she could -was a fantastic mom - and yes she bonded with him and I believe it was a stronger bond with her next two -she is in her mid 20s now.  Her husband was there for all births and I mean over the moon and bonding from all I can tell.  

What I hope for the OP is that if he finds out he is the father - shortly after birth -and if he chooses to be involved, he does so quickly. I agree with you!

[boltnrun]

I know people who didn't feel that bond including my own father. He walked out on us without a care in the world. Same with my half brothers' mothers (both of them). Their mothers abandoned them to our father when they were toddlers and never even asked for visits.

I see this a lot. I'm not saying it's a good thing but I also don't think it's a foregone conclusion that the OP will hold the child and fall in love or form a bond with time. If he does, great. But it's not guaranteed.

I do think the most harmful thing would be to appear and disappear and reappear, or be there in the beginning and then vanish. There needs to be consistency.

[RKO]

2 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

I wasn't head over heels, OMG, church bells ringing when I gave birth to my son.  But each day that I knew him, I loved him more and more each day.

But it is proven that absentee fathers do not form the same immediate bond.  When they are born, the hormones are so beyond strong that when you hold them, biologically you really start bonding.  If you wait weeks to months to years, you don't have that.  Smell is powerful.  I find with both my boys, any person they met the 1st week of their life, they always had a ease with them.  Anyone else who met them months later as a baby, stranger danger in the beginning.

That would be my worry too IF the child was mine as I have no idea when or if she will even pursue.

 

what I will say is that my brother is adopted, came into our lives when he was 4, within 6 months we had a bond like no other, 14 years on it’s something that grows stronger every day even though we aren’t blood related he’s the most important thing in my life. Some may think well if you can bond with what’s essentially a stranger than you’ll have no problem with your own child? Difference being I wanted my brother so bad, spent 24/7 with him pretty much every day. That won’t be happening IF this child is mine.

[RKO]

Thought everything was quiet…

Yet again another Saturday where drama is not far away.

I had a message off our mutual friend, her best friend btw, saying that she thinks I should be checking in on baby mother, that doing this by herself is hard (her choice without consulting me remember) or at least try and meet her to discuss things as it will really anger her if I leave it until birth to get in touch. Also said I should take up her “offer” of the Prenatal DNA test and she has t slept with anyone within that window (remember last week she told me that she had been seeing 2 men)

Ended by saying it’s my choice what to do but I should be “careful how you answer when people ask if it’s your child” as baby mother has kept my name completely out of it.

 

Obviously I politely stood my ground and went over everything yet again, why prenatal is a no, why I want a paternity, how I’ve told people it’s private but only 2 have asked.

Mentioned I’m not going near her as I’m so angry about how she handled all this,

 

im so f***ing angry how she’s played the victim card here

 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, RKO said:

Obviously I politely stood my ground and went over everything yet again, why prenatal is a no, why I want a paternity, how I’ve told people it’s private but only 2 have asked.

Why??

She will go to the woman and tell her everything you said, probably with embellishments.

I thought you decided not to discuss this with anyone who knows her.

Yeah, I know, you didn't say anything you haven't already said to her, but again, there will be embellishments and commentary.

Aren't you able to just say "this is a private matter and I'm not going to discuss it"?

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, RKO said:

saying that she thinks I should be checking in on baby mother

You need to start deleting and blocking her and all her people. Why invite this nonsense from third parties?

Most of your angst is from discussing your business with her friends and too many people. Why are you arguing with her friends about all this? It's crazy.

Hop out of this litter box and jump off this crazy gossip and speculation merry-go-round. 

You're the one actively seeking all this drama. This ONS isn't even contacting you or asking you for anything. She's not playing victim, you are.

[RKO]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why??

She will go to the woman and tell her everything you said, probably with embellishments.

I thought you decided not to discuss this with anyone who knows her.

Yeah, I know, you didn't say anything you haven't already said to her, but again, there will be embellishments and commentary.

Aren't you able to just say "this is a private matter and I'm not going to discuss it"?

Her husband is my best friend and she is a good friend of mine too, she was there last week when I put my side across and had already guessed I would be the prime suspect to be the father. she is actually on my side about paternity and was the one who mentioned about her other lovers.

I’ve already said to her from now on I won’t be discussing anything further with anyone, even my best friends. Even  though they haven’t told anyone I’m regretting mentioning now