ONS - Pregnancy

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, RKO said:

As someone pointed out previously on here, maybe she’s hoping it’s mine rather than someone else’s, and again when I mentioned this last night as part of my thought process that was also backed up - one of the other guys has 3 children off 3 different women and has nothing to do with any of them.

I challenge anyone in my position to not talk to friends or refuse their help when offered.

I simply mean to be careful and do not type messages about it or text.  People inadvertently forward stuff or hit reply all -even well-meaning good friends. Of course you can talk to your friends.  Just be selective. 

You can't possibly mean you feel validated by a man who has 3 children and is not involved with any of them -do you mean the other man she apparently slept with? It's an irrelevant fact - or is this someone you are friendly with? People make all sorts of choices -there are parents who gush all over their kids on facebook then leave them alone at home for days so they can go on a trip. 

There are parents who are over-involved in their kids' lives, and yet others who have affairs and have children outside of their marriage who they don't see while parenting their own kids.

Takes all kinds - you don't need outside validation of your current choice -which right now is to be open to a dna test if she contacts you and not open to being involved if it is your child.  You do you.

[RKO]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I simply mean to be careful and do not type messages about it or text.  People inadvertently forward stuff or hit reply all -even well-meaning good friends. Of course you can talk to your friends.  Just be selective. 

You can't possibly mean you feel validated by a man who has 3 children and is not involved with any of them -do you mean the other man she apparently slept with? It's an irrelevant fact - or is this someone you are friendly with? People make all sorts of choices -there are parents who gush all over their kids on facebook then leave them alone at home for days so they can go on a trip. 

There are parents who are over-involved in their kids' lives, and yet others who have affairs and have children outside of their marriage who they don't see while parenting their own kids.

Takes all kinds - you don't need outside validation of your current choice -which right now is to be open to a dna test if she contacts you and not open to being involved if it is your child.  You do you.

Oh of course, it was face to face conversation. Everything I said was what I’ve already told her.

Apologies not being clear - Her holiday romance she was involved with in the lead up has 3 different children from mothers. So perhaps IF the child could be his she would rather HOPE it’s mine due to his past. Again, just something to think of after that thought process got put to me on this thread.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, RKO said:

Oh of course, it was face to face conversation. Everything I said was what I’ve already told her.

Apologies not being clear - Her holiday romance she was involved with in the lead up has 3 different children from mothers. So perhaps IF the child could be his she would rather HOPE it’s mine due to his past. Again, just something to think of after that thought process got put to me on this thread.

That's wildly speculative. Do you know this person with the three kids -do you know it's true from his mouth to yours? Do you know if he's had a vasectomy or used protection? I'd not waste my time on analyzing the backgrounds of strangers she's rumored to have had sex with and rumored to have had sex with near the time you had sex with her.  For all you know he couldn't get it up that night and the sex they had was oral.

[RKO]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

That's wildly speculative. Do you know this person with the three kids -do you know it's true from his mouth to yours? Do you know if he's had a vasectomy or used protection? I'd not waste my time on analyzing the backgrounds of strangers she's rumored to have had sex with and rumored to have had sex with near the time you had sex with her.  For all you know he couldn't get it up that night and the sex they had was oral.

I’m not being speculative I’m merely saying it’s another potential red flag and further evidence that asking for a dna test is correct path to take.

There is nothing wrong with this chain of thought

[Batya33]

Just now, RKO said:

I’m not being speculative I’m merely saying it’s another potential red flag and further evidence that asking for a dna test is correct path to take.

There is nothing wrong with this chain of thought

There are countless potential flags with your approach.  You might discover she posts a photo that is dated around that time with a man in the photo -another potential dad - you might be told rumors about her that suggest another flag - it's down a rabbit hole.  You need no "evidence" - months from now you will know what your realistic options are and/or this all might be poof a non-issue for a variety of reasons.  Since you know you don't want to be an involved father at this moment (this might change and the sky could fall in too) - then really you need not concern yourself since whatever choice you make has very little bearing on a human being that might come into this world in about 6 months and might be your offspring.  

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, RKO said:

 asking for a dna test is correct path to take.

Actually it all went downhill from there because you tried to implore Her to have expensive prenatal testing. When in fact you would have been better of waiting until the courts asked you for a sample of yours. Because without that, it all means nothing.

[RKO]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Actually it all went downhill from there because you tried to implore Her to have expensive prenatal testing. When in fact you would have been better of waiting until the courts asked you for a sample of yours. Because without that, it all means nothing.

You have misread somewhere @Wiseman2 I refused the prenatal one that she suggested and I insisted on the legally binding one IF she wished to prove paternity.

 

[Tinydance]

16 hours ago, RKO said:

So had a good heart to heart with friends this evening now it’s all out, one of which as a mutual friend of hers was involved too, no carrying tales etc, just putting my side across.

Thankfully all In agreement with me about the process I’m going down for paternity test etc, thanks to advice on here and off my mum.

Also was told good reason I’m doing this is because there isn’t just one other potential guy, but two. Yes that’s right, she was actually dating someone else at the same time as this other one in the lead up to our night together and all of her friends have presumed it’s his as the dates aren’t matching up with me 100%

Well you hit the jackpot! Lol Now just to prove you're not the father.

[Tinydance]

I think the woman will have to do the paternity test soon if there are potentially 2 - 3 guys who could be the father. Surely she would want to know who it actually is?

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I think the woman will have to do the paternity test soon if there are potentially 2 - 3 guys who could be the father. Surely she would want to know who it actually is?

Honestly who knows - he really doesn't know much about her and certainly knows nothing about her family planning views and didn't try to find out that information. How she is reacting now might not be at all how she herself thought she would were she to get pregnant.  I think it's a fact she has no other children and she may have been pregnant before -who knows. So many unknowns.  My friend who is a single mother by choice of 4 kids with same sperm donor never to my knowledge tried to find out who the father was in person for example.  Imagine that. 

[RKO]

43 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Honestly who knows - he really doesn't know much about her and certainly knows nothing about her family planning views and didn't try to find out that information. How she is reacting now might not be at all how she herself thought she would were she to get pregnant.  I think it's a fact she has no other children and she may have been pregnant before -who knows. So many unknowns.  My friend who is a single mother by choice of 4 kids with same sperm donor never to my knowledge tried to find out who the father was in person for example.  Imagine that. 

I think because we have an everlasting link with her best friend married to my best friend then I’m inclined to think she might push for dna down the line, which is fine with me, but again that’s just a guess.

All I know is that she had definitely had sex with 2 other men as well as me in the lead up to our night (she confirmed that to her friend) 

DNA is needed 

[boltnrun]

Don't have any expectations that these friends of yours will not tell her everything you've said.  They absolutely will, beyond all shadow of a doubt.  Don't be naive enough to think they won't, and don't act surprised when she contacts you asking why you said this or that about her.

And this is true even if they swore up and down, left and right they wouldn't tell her what you said.  They'll tell her and then swear HER to secrecy and make her promise she won't tell you what they told her.  This is always how it goes.

So going forward don't confide in friends that know her.  If you need support talk to friends who don't know her and who don't know any of the people involved.

[Batya33]

30 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So going forward don't confide in friends that know her.  If you need support talk to friends who don't know her and who don't know any of the people involved.

Great idea.  I've done this many times in my life and then also the person hearing knows you're not gossiping and that person's input will be even more genuine because that person won't fear being gossiped about by you.  

[RKO]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Don't have any expectations that these friends of yours will not tell her everything you've said.  They absolutely will, beyond all shadow of a doubt.  Don't be naive enough to think they won't, and don't act surprised when she contacts you asking why you said this or that about her.

And this is true even if they swore up and down, left and right they wouldn't tell her what you said.  They'll tell her and then swear HER to secrecy and make her promise she won't tell you what they told her.  This is always how it goes.

So going forward don't confide in friends that know her.  If you need support talk to friends who don't know her and who don't know any of the people involved.

Just to clarify, what I have to.d them is exactly what I’ve told her, nothing more and nothing less.

Also 2 of them are my friends, not hers, they know her of course but that’s it. They are my lifelong friends since we were born. 
 

and again, all they know is what I’ve told her. No issue there

[RKO]

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Great idea.  I've done this many times in my life and then also the person hearing knows you're not gossiping and that person's input will be even more genuine because that person won't fear being gossiped about by you.  

Like my mother for example which I have done.

Also see my above reply.

 

it’s all good

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, RKO said:

Just to clarify, what I have to.d them is exactly what I’ve told her, nothing more and nothing less.

Also 2 of them are my friends, not hers, they know her of course but that’s it. They are my lifelong friends since we were born. 
 

and again, all they know is what I’ve told her. No issue there

Please don't be naive. If they know her and talk to her they will absolutely tell her everything you say.

If you aren't saying anything about her having sex with other men or her giving you different dates or refusing the DNA test or anything else negative you're good. But I would still put money on them telling her everything you say, even if they swore not to or you "trust" them. That is just human nature.

[RKO]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Please don't be naive. If they know her and talk to her they will absolutely tell her everything you say.

If you aren't saying anything about her having sex with other men or her giving you different dates or refusing the DNA test or anything else negative you're good. But I would still put money on them telling her everything you say, even if they swore not to or you "trust" them. That is just human nature.

They dont speak to her. There is zero chance of them telling her anything. They are my life long best friends. Friends don’t do that 
 

I’ve only said what I’ve said to her.

[boltnrun]

That's good.  

No need to worry about it then.  But my advice still stands.  Whoever it was who told you about the other men she allegedly slept with can't be a source of support to you.  Obviously they talk to her if they know this information, so don't confide in them.

[RKO]

16 hours ago, boltnrun said:

That's good.  

No need to worry about it then.  But my advice still stands.  Whoever it was who told you about the other men she allegedly slept with can't be a source of support to you.  Obviously they talk to her if they know this information, so don't confide in them.

Of course, that will go without saying.

This weekend has been tough/annoying with people messaging me asking what’s going on and if I’m ok, half of them not caring in reality and just wanting gossip. I’ve batted them away saying it’s a private matter at the minute. You really do find out who your real friends are in situations like this.

Having been a real private person all my life it’s a struggle at the minute KNOWING people are talking about me and I’m this weeks hot subject. Going to the supermarket and thinking all eyes are on me. I knew this day would come and hopefully will be yesterdays news soon enough.

it does help in some ways that a lot of people haven’t made/ruled out the link of it being me.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, RKO said:

Of course, that will go without saying.

This weekend has been tough/annoying with people messaging me asking what’s going on and if I’m ok, half of them not caring in reality and just wanting gossip. I’ve batted them away saying it’s a private matter at the minute. You really do find out who your real friends are in situations like this.

Having been a real private person all my life it’s a struggle at the minute KNOWING people are talking about me and I’m this weeks hot subject. Going to the supermarket and thinking all eyes are on me. I knew this day would come and hopefully will be yesterdays news soon enough.

it does help in some ways that a lot of people haven’t made/ruled out the link of it being me.

I think they'll move on to the next thing soon enough.  I like your "private matter" response.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, RKO said:

hopefully will be yesterdays news soon enough

It will, if you keep shutting down the questions about it. 

They might remain curious about it, but they will get tired of asking and move along when they realize you're not going to discuss it. 

[SherrySher]

On 9/7/2022 at 4:18 AM, RKO said:

Hi everyone.

I foolishly had a 1 night stand 9 weeks ago, she is now pregnant (11 weeks in pregnancy terms. As last period)and keeping the baby. She is 100% sure the baby is mine. I do not want the baby.

she’s used the morning after pill the day after, I told her a copper coil would have been better incase she ovulated but it fell on deaf ears. Told me I was stressing her.

she found out 3 weeks ago, told me last week and told me not to tell anyone as she hadn’t told a soul. Turns out she told her mum. I haven’t told a soul as don’t know what to do

i do not want a relationship with this woman. Ever. It was a drunk mistake.

she has told me I can remain anonymous and not be involved at all with the baby and no one will need to know ( I’m sure people would work it out though) and she won’t expect any help mentally or financially from me ever as she has worked out budget etc from being a single parent.

I am so torn here, it’s a big thing to keep secret for the rest of your life, morally it’s wrong I know but having the baby would financially cripple me and ruin the lives of my close family.

any advice would be helpful here and please don’t hold back on saying what you think of me

You decided to go home with this woman. YOU decided to undress with this woman. YOU decided to be intimate with her. 

That's a lot of steps, so it wasn't just one decision, it was several and at any point you could have decided not to be intimate with her, but you choose to.

Anytime someone has sex with someone else....anything....a baby can be created.

Condoms are not 100% foolproof. But other methods such as they pull out method, have even a higher chance of creating a baby.

You knew that there was a possibility of getting this woman pregnant, alcohol, or not.

There is no excuses now.

You helped create this baby, you now need to do the right thing and take responsibility.

This is no longer about you, this is about an innocent child who did not ask to be created, but will be here none the less.

A baby requires money, and support both physically, and emotionally.

Yes, you can run away, be a coward, abandon this child...but you will be making this child's life so much worse by doing those things.

They will have less to eat, less clothing, less essentials that they need. They won't understand why their biological father disposed of them when they didn't do anything wrong.

They will feel less valued and important as the other children who have both parents.

And it will damage them mentally and emotionally, for the rest of their life.

You need to do the right thing here.

Be a decent and respectful man and take care of your child. 

This has nothing to do with the mother. You do not need a relationship with her at all.

This has everything to do with making sure this baby is being supported by you and is shown love by you.

It is a living, breathing human being who still needs to be taken care of for the next 19 years.

Running away is easy, but it is definitely the coward thing to do.

You made your choice to be with this woman (for however short of time it was), not own up to your responsibilities and take care of this child.

Don't ruin your own child's life because you decide to act like a child yourself and run away.

Do the right thing.

[RKO]

4 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

You decided to go home with this woman. YOU decided to undress with this woman. YOU decided to be intimate with her. 

That's a lot of steps, so it wasn't just one decision, it was several and at any point you could have decided not to be intimate with her, but you choose to.

Anytime someone has sex with someone else....anything....a baby can be created.

Condoms are not 100% foolproof. But other methods such as they pull out method, have even a higher chance of creating a baby.

You knew that there was a possibility of getting this woman pregnant, alcohol, or not.

There is no excuses now.

You helped create this baby, you now need to do the right thing and take responsibility.

This is no longer about you, this is about an innocent child who did not ask to be created, but will be here none the less.

A baby requires money, and support both physically, and emotionally.

Yes, you can run away, be a coward, abandon this child...but you will be making this child's life so much worse by doing those things.

They will have less to eat, less clothing, less essentials that they need. They won't understand why their biological father disposed of them when they didn't do anything wrong.

They will feel less valued and important as the other children who have both parents.

And it will damage them mentally and emotionally, for the rest of their life.

You need to do the right thing here.

Be a decent and respectful man and take care of your child. 

This has nothing to do with the mother. You do not need a relationship with her at all.

This has everything to do with making sure this baby is being supported by you and is shown love by you.

It is a living, breathing human being who still needs to be taken care of for the next 19 years.

Running away is easy, but it is definitely the coward thing to do.

You made your choice to be with this woman (for however short of time it was), not own up to your responsibilities and take care of this child.

Don't ruin your own child's life because you decide to act like a child yourself and run away.

Do the right thing.

I think youve missed out a hell of a lot more info since this 1st post

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Do the right thing.

There's a possibility he is not the father. A DNA paternity test should come first. However, the woman is refusing.

I would not recommend jumping all in to parent and financially support a child that might not he his.

[SherrySher]

If anyone is reading this and you do decide to have sex with a woman (drunk, or not), please realize that it could result in a child.

The child that could potentially be created, did not ask to be created, did not ask to be here in order to "ruin" your life, and is an innocent bystander in all of it.

But that child will be the one who will be forever damaged if you decide to abandon them and pretend like they don't exist.

Don't do that. Take responsibility and take care of your baby...yes..YOUR baby. Running away, or denying responsibility won't make that child any less yours. It is your baby from the time of birth till the time it grows old, it will always be yours no matter what.