ONS - Pregnancy

[boltnrun]

Does she have zero family?  She has no living parents?  No living siblings?  No cousins or other close relatives?

Since she doesn't want you to be declared the father why would it fall on you to raise the child?  Answer is, it wouldn't.  She can't just say she wants some random dude (who you are, honestly, if you haven't been legally declared the father) to raise her child if she dies!

Are you prone to catastrophizing? If you forget something or do something incorrectly at work do you presume you'll be fired immediately, for example?  Do you worry your company will close down suddenly and you'll be unemployed? Do you think every pimple is skin cancer or every stomachache is stomach cancer?  If so, please do work with a professional to alleviate this.

[Jaunty]

This is what I was talking about with the drama.   Not only are you creating it in your own head, but you're feeding it here.

STOP IT.  

I realize that this is potentially very serious and has shaken you up, but you need to just deal with actual reality:

You had unprotected sex.  The woman told you she is pregnant and you're the father.  She wants nothing from you and has refused a paternity test.  Now you and she are out of contact.

Those are the facts.

So, you  now move on with your life.   Yes, this could come back to haunt you at some point.  If that happens, you will proceed with the paternity test and handle the outcome as you see fit.  

You need to compartmentalize and go forward, hopefully taking some hard earned lessons about unprotected sex and maybe one night stands with you.  

 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

So, you  now move on with your life.   Yes, this could come back to haunt you at some point.  If that happens, you will proceed with the paternity test and handle the outcome as you see fit.  

Yes, this is a great way to put it -completely agree. And same if for some reason you change your mind -also not necessary to dwell on that what if right now.

[RKO]

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

This is what I was talking about with the drama.   Not only are you creating it in your own head, but you're feeding it here.

STOP IT.  

I realize that this is potentially very serious and has shaken you up, but you need to just deal with actual reality:

You had unprotected sex.  The woman told you she is pregnant and you're the father.  She wants nothing from you and has refused a paternity test.  Now you and she are out of contact.

Those are the facts.

So, you  now move on with your life.   Yes, this could come back to haunt you at some point.  If that happens, you will proceed with the paternity test and handle the outcome as you see fit.  

You need to compartmentalize and go forward, hopefully taking some hard earned lessons about unprotected sex and maybe one night stands with you.  

 

Totally agree with this, it’s just a little easier said than done about moving forward but totally get it. Maybe I just need a little more time for it to sink in, along with the fact she’s refused paternity, once that’s sunk in hopefully I can move on and start enjoying things.

At the minute I’m still slightly on edge waiting for my friends to find out she’s pregnant and what they are going to say to me. Of course I’ve had tips here what to say but it’s still a worry.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, RKO said:

 she’s refused paternity, once that’s sunk in hopefully I can move on and start enjoying things.

Good to hear. Otherwise we were going to send you to Lamaze classes so you can learn how to breathe and relax. 

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, RKO said:

At the minute I’m still slightly on edge waiting for my friends to find out she’s pregnant and what they are going to say to me.

I doubt it's going to be as hard as you think. 

Your closest friends might turn out to be a real support for you. 

[RKO]

She has now had a change of tune and wants a paternity test but one now and not after baby is born

The tests are crazily expensive compared to ones at birth and she has said she will not pay a penny towards it...

 

 

[boltnrun]

Just now, RKO said:

She has now had a change of tune and wants a paternity test but one now and not after baby is born

The tests are crazily expensive compared to ones at birth and she has said she will not pay a penny towards it...

 

 

She's willing to risk miscarriage to do a paternity test whilst pregnant?

She thinks you won't pay and therefore the test won't happen. In fact, she's probably certain you'll back off.

I suggest you call her bluff and agree to pay. 

Think about it...you'll know for sure if you're the father within a few days instead of fretting and worrying for the rest of your life. Aren't a few hundred pounds or euros worth peace of mind?

[boltnrun]

I copied this from a website. Keep in mind, this is from 2019 so the cost may have gone up some.

"A prenatal paternity test costs from £875. There are actually three options available: Pay £795 for results within 7 working days. Pay £1195 for an express service with results in 4 days. Use our interest-free credit option and pay in instalments " The company is called Alpha Biolabs. (Not recommending or anything, this is just what I found on Google).

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, RKO said:

She has now had a change of tune and wants a paternity test but one now and not after baby is bornThe tests are crazily expensive compared to ones at birth and she has said she will not pay a penny towards it...

She's an idiot putting her unborn at risk for drama. Ignore her. No one can compel you to pay for her prenatal DNA sampling. Why haven't you blocked and deleted this lunatic?

 

[RKO]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

I copied this from a website. Keep in mind, this is from 2019 so the cost may have gone up some.

"A prenatal paternity test costs from £875. There are actually three options available: Pay £795 for results within 7 working days. Pay £1195 for an express service with results in 4 days. Use our interest-free credit option and pay in instalments " The company is called Alpha Biolabs. (Not recommending or anything, this is just what I found on Google).

The tests don't stand up in court either, they aren't legally binding 

[RKO]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She's an idiot putting her unborn at risk for drama. Ignore her. No one can compel you to pay for her prenatal DNA sampling. Why haven't you blocked and deleted this lunatic?

Apparently it's safe and worn harm the baby according to the website

[RKO]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I copied this from a website. Keep in mind, this is from 2019 so the cost may have gone up some.

"A prenatal paternity test costs from £875. There are actually three options available: Pay £795 for results within 7 working days. Pay £1195 for an express service with results in 4 days. Use our interest-free credit option and pay in instalments " The company is called Alpha Biolabs. (Not recommending or anything, this is just what I found on Google).

That's the one she sent, in the small print it says it's not legally binding, the results would mean nothing when /if going to court and would have to have another one.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, RKO said:

Apparently it's safe and worn harm the baby according to the website

Do not get involved. If she miscarries she'll probably sue you. She seems That crazy. Get rid of her. If she wants a paternity test at birth fine. But she has to pay for it and get a court order for your DNA to compare for the purpose of paternity determination.

 There is ZERO you have to do except provide your own DNA sample if subpoenaed.

 If you are pushing this nonsense, stop it. You don't screw around with an unborn's life to assuage your anxiety or entertain her insanity. Stop it!

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, RKO said:

That's the one she sent, in the small print it says it's not legally binding, the results would mean nothing when /if going to court and would have to have another one.

She's expecting you to refuse.

Then fine, refuse. If she wants money from you she can file a case in court, in which case a DNA test will be ordered and she likely will be required to pay for it.

The ONLY reason to go forward is if you want to know now if you're the father. And if you do, be sure to get in writing that she is agreeing to do the test. Not via text message or WhatsApp or Facebook but an actual written document. Otherwise she may try to blame you if anything goes wrong.

[RKO]

The test is non-ivasive and 100% safe, it's just a blood test from her. There is no chance of miscarriage.

 

I've still refused on the basis it's not legally binding, she said that's all she's offering and compromising on so now I have to live with that decision for the rest of my life.

She then got very angry saying that it shows I don't care about it and I don't care how she feels, I highlighted that it's not been easy for me and she has no idea what I have been through the last 2 weeks, her reply "I don't care, you are of no concern to me"

 

I'm going to ask her now to leave me be and never contact me again unless it's for DNA test at birth 

[Batya33]

If I were you I'd feel uncomfortable with her change of heart and her "options".  something isn't right here.  

[MissCanuck]

51 minutes ago, RKO said:

I'm going to ask her now to leave me be and never contact me again unless it's for DNA test at birth 

Good idea. 

[RKO]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If I were you I'd feel uncomfortable with her change of heart and her "options".  something isn't right here.  

How so? 

[boltnrun]

She initially said she doesn't want you to be involved. Now she's claiming to want a paternity test (but at your expense). So when she said she didn't want anything from you it was likely BS.

She probably expected you to step up with offers of $$. Since you haven't she's changing tactics.

Unless and until the child is born and she files a court case you can just discontinue contact. Period.

[RKO]

Just now, boltnrun said:

She initially said she doesn't want you to be involved. Now she's claiming to want a paternity test (but at your expense). So when she said she didn't want anything from you it was likely BS.

She probably expected you to step up with offers of $$. Since you haven't she's changing tactics.

Unless and until the child is born and she files a court case you can just discontinue contact. Period.

I think so, I also think she wasn’t morally comfortable how the ball was in her court , almost like it was her decision for me not to be involved and if the child ever asked she would have to say it was because she refused paternity.

now however she may feel her conscience is clear - “I’ve offered him this ridiculously expensive paternity test that he will have to pay for, that won’t stand up in a court of law” it’s now on him, I’ve done all I can.

 

when I mentioned court she did respond with when have I ever asked you for money or anything like that, I won’t if you dont want involvement.

 

IF this child is mine I’m not sure I could ever co-parent with this maniac. Perhaps financial support and that’s it would be best here

 

[gamon]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

She's over 12 weeks along. 

I don't advocate for hoping that a fetus dies as the result of an unnecessary procedure. 

This thread isn't about voicing our opinions regarding abortions whether it's early, middle or late term.

 

[Batya33]

How so? She seems unstable (I mean hormones, pregnancy I get it but still) and is a moving target and not at all interested in potentially being a team -meaning a team approach to co-parenting this child/acting in the best interests of her child.  I mean it in the sense of what Boltnrun wrote above.  I agree with her take on it.

[boltnrun]

19 minutes ago, gamon said:

This thread isn't about voicing our opinions regarding abortions whether it's early, middle or late term.

 

And I didn't say one word about abortion. Please quote the post where I said anything about my opinion on abortion in this thread.

YOU were the one who said a miscarriage could be a good outcome. Neither of us mentioned abortion.

[RKO]

24 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How so? She seems unstable (I mean hormones, pregnancy I get it but still) and is a moving target and not at all interested in potentially being a team -meaning a team approach to co-parenting this child/acting in the best interests of her child.  I mean it in the sense of what Boltnrun wrote above.  I agree with her take on it.

Yea I get this, she is definitely unhinged the way she is acting at the minute, pregnancy or no pregnancy