ONS - Pregnancy

[SherrySher]

Just now, boltnrun said:

There's a possibility he is not the father. A DNA paternity test should come first. However, the woman is refusing.

I would not recommend jumping all in to parent and financially support a child that might not he his.

Thank you for the update, Bolt. I am giving advice based on the original post and have not read any follow ups.

Apologies for that.

Refusing a DNA test, very sus. I would not trust her one bit. 

A DNA test is an absolute must. If she refuses, there is nothing you can do but walk away.

[RKO]

9 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

If anyone is reading this and you do decide to have sex with a woman (drunk, or not), please realize that it could result in a child.

The child that could potentially be created, did not ask to be created, did not ask to be here in order to "ruin" your life, and is an innocent bystander in all of it.

But that child will be the one who will be forever damaged if you decide to abandon them and pretend like they don't exist.

Don't do that. Take responsibility and take care of your baby...yes..YOUR baby. Running away, or denying responsibility won't make that child any less yours. It is your baby from the time of birth till the time it grows old, it will always be yours no matter what.

Again, please read the entire thread. Thank you 

[boltnrun]

26 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Thank you for the update, Bolt. I am giving advice based on the original post and have not read any follow ups.

Apologies for that.

Refusing a DNA test, very sus. I would not trust her one bit. 

A DNA test is an absolute must. If she refuses, there is nothing you can do but walk away.

Yeah, there are 20 pages of additional relevant info. Things have evolved a lot since the OP.

She is not willing to do a paternity test.

[Jaunty]

On 9/28/2022 at 9:51 AM, RKO said:

As mentioned previously, she has NEVER said “I DONT WANT YOU INVOLVED”

She tacitly said it by refusing your offer to have a DNA test.  

[RKO]

21 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

She tacitly said it by refusing your offer to have a DNA test.  

You think? But then offering that legally non binding one? That runs this risk of opening the door to ruin that plan of hers no?

[Jaunty]

9 hours ago, RKO said:

 

This weekend has been tough/annoying with people messaging me asking what’s going on and if I’m ok, half of them not caring in reality and just wanting gossip. I’ve batted them away saying it’s a private matter at the minute. You really do find out who your real friends are in situations like this.

 

Please don't be disingenuous.  You are creating a tremendous amount of drama around this situation and involving numerous people, friends and virtual strangers alike.   Yes, it's a potentially dramatic situation, but it could easily have looked like this:

Her:  I think I'm pregnant, you might be the dad.

You:  I'd like to do a paternity test to find out.

Her:  No

You:  OK 

[RKO]

11 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Please don't be disingenuous.  You are creating a tremendous amount of drama around this situation and involving numerous people, friends and virtual strangers alike.   Yes, it's a potentially dramatic situation, but it could easily have looked like this:

Her:  I think I'm pregnant, you might be the dad.

You:  I'd like to do a paternity test to find out.

Her:  No

You:  OK 

I see what you are saying and not being pedantic here but she said “you are the dad” and has several times.

 

but yes totally get the rest

[Jaunty]

5 hours ago, RKO said:

I see what you are saying and not being pedantic here but she said “you are the dad” and has several times.

OK.  It makes zero difference to my point.  ZERO.  

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, RKO said:

 but she said “you are the dad” and has several times.

That's her guess and opinion. It's not a fact if and until there is a DNA sample from the child and a DNA sample from you that matches.

So a lot of your anxiety is driven by opinions, speculation, guilt trips, faux "proof" such as asking a midwife, asking her for sonogram results, playing with date calculators, etc.

So she, your friends and family, random people in grocery stores,and assorted others aren't causing all your "suicidal" anxiety. You are.

[RKO]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's her guess and opinion. It's not a fact if and until there is a DNA sample from the child and a DNA sample from you that matches.

So a lot of your anxiety is driven by opinions, speculation, guilt trips, faux "proof" such as asking a midwife, asking her for sonogram results, playing with date calculators, etc.

So she, your friends and family, random people in grocery stores,and assorted others aren't causing all your "suicidal" anxiety. You are.

That’s the thing, we don’t know. It could be fact, it could be that she genuinely only has had sex with me, it might not be a guess or opinion.

Its very easy to say I’m causing all this believe me I’ve tried not to think about it and be as black and white as possible as suggested here but that’s very easy to say for people not in my position. I’m pretty damn sure anyone else would be doing the same in my boat.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, RKO said:

. It could be fact.

A fact is never a "could be" situation. You're way too wrapped up in angst.

Perhaps you slept through science class, who knows but 'it could be this, it could be that it could be......" Are not facts they're sheer anxiety and drama and speculation.

[RKO]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

A fact is never a "could be" situation. You're way too wrapped up in angst.

Perhaps you slept through science class, who knows but 'it could be this, it could be that it could be......" Are not facts they're sheer anxiety and drama and speculation.

Yes but like I said, I’m pretty confident you and probably majority on this forum would be the exact same if in my shoes.

Its not like a breakup. This is pretty darn serious 

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, RKO said:

Yes but like I said, I’m pretty confident you and probably majority on this forum would be the exact same if in my shoes.

Its not like a breakup. This is pretty darn serious 

We get that, but frantically scrambling to try to find "proof" you're not the father by using unreliable means such as midwives (who haven't even seen her let alone examined her), online charts or gossip from "friends" isn't a viable solution to your anxiety and fear.

That's why I recommended professional help. If you're unable to get your anxiety and fear to a manageable level, seeing a professional might be the answer. 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, RKO said:

This is pretty darn serious 

True. Having "you're a father" sprung on you from a ONS is certainly a sobering remark. But remember, you really have no 'facts' because there is no match as yet between your DNA and the child's. So stay on that path until there is something that is a factual because all the guessing games are maddening. 

[RKO]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

True. Having "you're a father" sprung on you from a ONS is certainly a sobering remark. But remember, you really have no 'facts' because there is no match as yet between your DNA and the child's. So stay on that path until there is something that is a factual because all the guessing games are maddening. 

I know, wish it was that simple.

im wondering if it’s best mentally (but not financially or physically with the woman) to presume it’s mine and prepare for it, rather than let it hit me full on if we find out the baby is mine.

caveat being if she pushes for dna

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, RKO said:

I know, wish it was that simple.

im wondering if it’s best mentally (but not financially or physically with the woman) to presume it’s mine and prepare for it, rather than let it hit me full on if we find out the baby is mine.

caveat being if she pushes for dna

I would not be running to by a stroller but you already know what the deal is in her mind, so wait until there is proof.

[RKO]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

I would not be running to by a stroller but you already know what the deal is in her mind, so wait until there is proof.

Hell no none of that, I just mean mentally preparing 

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, RKO said:

Hell no none of that, I just mean mentally preparing 

Has she agreed to the post birth DNA test?

[RKO]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Has she agreed to the post birth DNA test?

Nope, nothing. Over 2 weeks since I heard anything from her 

[boltnrun]

24 minutes ago, RKO said:

Nope, nothing. Over 2 weeks since I heard anything from her 

So mentally preparing for what? If she suddenly decides after giving birth that she is taking you to court for child support? 

[Batya33]

Just now, boltnrun said:

So mentally preparing for what? If she suddenly decides after giving birth that she is taking you to court for child support? 

The only mental preparation would be if you wanted to pursue fatherhood -then you would prepare as to how to approach her, find out if the baby is yours, etc but since you don't no preparation needed.  It's just a what if like so much of life, right?

[RKO]

Yes like mentally preparing for the situation that baby is mine and she comes for child support and then could I just walk away from the child, I keep,flipping between feelings on that admittedly.

I just have a gut feeling it’s mine, despite all these red flags

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, RKO said:

Yes like mentally preparing for the situation that baby is mine 

Well that's the definition of catastrophizing, it's it? 

First of all there's no proof yet that it's yours, secondly she told you she isn't asking for money.

She seems to be fine with things and she's the single mother dealing with a pregnancy. You on the other hand have unearthed a  Pandora's box of mental health issues from suicidal ideation to obsessing and everything else.

This really is about your poor coping skills. While that news from some drunken hookup wasn't great you're really really exaggerating things.

What if something real and tangible ever happens in your life like a serious illness or something? You get in a car wreck, etc .,then what?

You're making mountains out of molehills. If you can't even cope with something this simple, how are you going to manage when you are faced with real problems?

 

[RKO]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well that's the definition of catastrophizing, it's it? 

First of all there's no proof yet that it's yours, secondly she told you she isn't asking for money.

She seems to be fine with things and she's the single mother dealing with a pregnancy. You on the other hand have unearthed a  Pandora's box of mental health issues from suicidal ideation to obsessing and everything else.

This really is about your poor coping skills. While that news from some drunken hookup wasn't great you're really really exaggerating things.

What if something real and tangible ever happens in your life like a serious illness or something? You get in a car wreck, etc .,then what?

You're making mountains out of molehills. If you can't even cope with something this simple, how are you going to manage when you are faced with real problems?

 

I’ve come across many “real problems” I’ve had health issues, I’ve lost loved ones, I’ve seen half my family wiped out by cancer, I’ve been there holding my grandmothers hand whilst she died who was genuinely my 2nd mother, I’ve had my heart broken.

please do not play this down as something not important in life and that I’m exaggerating the issue. It’s far from simple as you suggest.

I think there would be something radically wrong with me if I just switched off from it all like you suggest.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, RKO said:

if I just switched off from it all like you suggest.

No one suggests "switching off". However making yourself nuts for the next 18 years benefits you how exactly? There is zero evidence at this point that it is yours. If she comes after your DNA, you'll have to decide then what to do about it. Right now sonos calculators midwives etc do zero to prove anything.