ONS - Pregnancy

[RKO]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to start deleting and blocking her and all her people. Why invite this nonsense from third parties. Most of your angst discussing your business with her  friends and too many people. Why are you arguing with her friends about all this? 

Hop out of this litter box and jump off this crazy gossip and speculation merry-go-round. 

You're the one actively seeking all this drama. This ONS isn't even contacting you or asking you for anything. She's not playing victim, you are.

I can’t block this one, she’s genuinely a good friend of mine and married to my best friend, the rest I’ve restricted everything on.

[Wiseman2]

Just now, RKO said:

I can’t block this one, she’s genuinely a good friend of mine and married to my best friend, the rest I’ve restricted everything on.

Ok then at least stop expecting people to "take sides" and put everyone in horrible positions. There are no "sides". This ONS (Stop calling her "baby mama" you're not the proven father) has not contacted you and stated she is not naming you and wants no money. Leave the poor woman alone and stop smearing her through the mud to her friends.

[RKO]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok then at least stop expecting people to "take sides" and put everyone in horrible positions. There are no "sides". This ONS (Stop calling her "baby mama" you're not the proven father) has not contacted you and stated she is not naming you and wants no money. Leave the poor woman alone and stop smearing her through the mud to her friends.

May I ask you something, as I do like your clean thinking on this thread and your to the point advice.

If this was you, would you genuinely be ok with just leaving this and waiting for maybe one day her coming out of the woodwork?
 

or

would you pursue paternity test at birth 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, RKO said:

would you pursue paternity test at birth 

You can't pursue a paternity test at birth unless you go to court and get a subpoena for the child's DNA. And the mother may not give consent for that. Stop trying to terrorize this woman because uninformed friends are freaking you out.

Your friends are quite misinformed on how this works or giving you horrible advice on how to ruin your life. Then you are opening a Pandora's box for 18 years of child support. Leave the poor woman alone. If/when she contacts you and wants your involvement, you'll know.

[RKO]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can't pursue a paternity test at birth unless you go to court and get a subpoena for the child's DNA. And the mother may not give consent for that. Stop trying to terrorize this woman because uninformed friends are freaking you out.

Your friends are quite misinformed on how this works or giving you horrible advice on how to ruin your life. Then you are opening a Pandora's box for 18 years of child support. Leave the poor woman alone. If/when she contacts you and wants your involvement, you'll know.

But my question still stands, pretend you can and are willing to go court. Would you?
 

or

 

Youd be happy to live your life not knowing anything?….

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, RKO said:

pretend you can and are willing to go court.

Why play games? No it's idiotic to keep harassing and threatening this poor woman because this event created an huge uptick in your untreated anxiety so now you're getting vicious because of that to get even. Stop it. Leave her and her friends alone.

[RKO]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why play games? No it's idiotic to keep harassing and threatening this poor woman because this event created an huge uptick in your untreated anxiety so now you're getting vicious because of that to get even. Stop it. Leave her and her friends alone.

Woaaaah, I’ve not done anything of the sort thank you very much. That’s absurd.

To clarify, you’d be happy to live your life not knowing/looking over your shoulder then?

[Batya33]

If I were you I would want to know for following reasons :  if there was a genetic reason- you want your child to know of certain risk factors (like heaven forbid ALS or high rates of cancer in family etc). If I wanted to be involved emotionally as a parent.  
as far as “is there someone out there related to me”. No. Because then child will know you found out but apparently wanted no more involvement.  More palatable if if was the genetic reason. 
not wanting to look over your shoulder is your burden to bear because you chose to have sex with her. 

[RKO]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

If I were you I would want to know for following reasons :  if there was a genetic reason- you want your child to know of certain risk factors (like heaven forbid ALS or high rates of cancer in family etc). If I wanted to be involved emotionally as a parent.  
as far as “is there someone out there related to me”. No. Because then child will know you found out but apparently wanted no more involvement.  More palatable if if was the genetic reason. 
not wanting to look over your shoulder is your burden to bear because you chose to have sex with her. 

There’s a lot to think about.

IF the father it’s picking the lesser of the 2 evils

1: Being a father to a child and mother I resent and forced into 

2: Not being involved but never being able to truely enjoy life as would be on edge 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, RKO said:

There’s a lot to think about.

IF the father it’s picking the lesser of the 2 evils

1: Being a father to a child and mother I resent and forced into 

2: Not being involved but never being able to truely enjoy life as would be on edge 

The on edge is the bed you made. 
Being a father with a living mom requires co parenting. Being a father has nothing to do with whether you like the mom. All you have to do is be civil and polite and abide by any agreements related to $ and visitation. 
you’re not being forced into. She didn’t force you to have sex with her and she didn’t blatantly lie about her ability to get pregnant. 

[RKO]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

The on edge is the bed you made. 
Being a father with a living mom requires co parenting. Being a father has nothing to do with whether you like the mom. All you have to do is be civil and polite and abide by any agreements related to $ and visitation. 
you’re not being forced into. She didn’t force you to have sex with her and she didn’t blatantly lie about her ability to get pregnant. 

See this is where I think it is forced.

she also made the same mistake as me and told me to ejaculate in her. I didn’t force her to have sex with me either 

she said she would use plan B (not sure if she did) 

She made the decision to keep the child and told me she was before even asking about my concerns

 

 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, RKO said:

told me to ejaculate in her

That is not force.

You could have said no.  You could have worn a condom.  YOU chose those things.  Drunk or not.

From what you're writing it seems you are starting to hope you're the father.  

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, RKO said:

See this is where I think it is forced.

she also made the same mistake as me and told me to ejaculate in her. I didn’t force her to have sex with me either 

she said she would use plan B (not sure if she did) 

She made the decision to keep the child and told me she was before even asking about my concerns

 

 

Sorry. You consented to unprotected sex.  As did she.  Plan B is not foolproof and anyway she said this after.  You could have pulled out although that’s not foolproof either.  You weren’t forced to have sex without a condom and you know people who use pull out method are called “parents” so the joke goes. 

never tell yourself that somehow you were forced into this current situation where you might be an expecting father. Because it’s not true.  You weren’t raped.  
When you choose unprotected sex you choose the woman deciding to carry a pregnancy to term without addressing your concerns on the matter.

 The time to address your concerns is before intercourse and even then a woman can change her mind after.  Not fair I suppose but reality and partly because she is growing life inside of her. Biology.

I never once had sex without knowing how my partner felt about accidental pregnancy.  You chose not to. In exchange you were able to have the fun of spontaneity and no serious conversations. And no checking on condom availability.  Just fun sex. It was fun and now it’s not. 

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, RKO said:

See this is where I think it is forced.

she also made the same mistake as me and told me to ejaculate in her. I didn’t force her to have sex with me either 

This is absolutely not force. 

You made a series of poor choices. You could have said "no" at any time, so it is absurd to suggest you were forced into this. You are a grown man and were fully aware of the consequences of unprotected sex, including winding up with a baby you don't want. You were a full and willing participant, so I would advise you to drop that "forced"  narrative fast. 

As for people intruding into this, remind them that this is a private matter and you won't be discussing your reasoning for your decisions. Shut those conversations down and don't go into defensive mode. Third parties are not the judge and jury here, and you own none of them an explanation. 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

 it is absurd to suggest you were forced into this. 

Exactly. So here's what you can do. Research legal firms specializing in family law. Ask what their fee/retainer is. After you pay that, ask all your questions.

Explain that you've been badgering a ONS for DNA testing in fact prenatal DNA testing which she acquiesced to but (rightfully) said ok then you pay for it.  

Tell these attorneys that you refused to pay for that but you still want to know if it's possibly yours. Ask these attorneys about if you have any rights especially badgering this woman for DNA from HER child.

Explain that you actually want nothing to do with her or the child. 

You're asking for very expensive legal and medical advice here and yet again you're unwilling to pay.

So. You can stop badgering people here or in real life about it and dig in your pockets to pay for attorneys and tests.

 

[RKO]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. So here's what you can do. Research legal firms specializing in family law. Ask what their fee/retainer is. After you pay that, ask all your questions. Explain that you've been badgering a ONS for DNA testing in fact prenatal DNA testing which she acquiesced to but (rightfully) said ok then you pay for it. Ask these attorneys about if you have any rights especially badgering this woman for DNA from HER child.

 

Why are you making things up?
 

I never asked for a pre~natal. I asked for one at birth, asked once and she said no. Haven’t been badgering her at all, complete opposite infact.

As for pre-natal you are now saying she rightfully asked for me to pay for it after you saying initially that it was up to HER to prove paternity and not to do it. Let’s not forget it isn’t legally binding either 

[MissCanuck]

I don't see where you have been badgering her, either. 

But the advice to contact a family attorney is good. Explain the situation and ask what your options actually are, in terms of requesting paternity at birth or being ordered to submit to a test if the mother changes her mind and rquests this. Understand what the (legal) facts are in your jurisdiction. 

You might find that your anxiety relents a bit when you are correctly informed about what this could all look like. Right now it's a lot of guessing games and what-ifs. Find out what the law says where you live. 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, RKO said:

Let’s not forget it isn’t legally binding either 

Tell an attorney all this to the tune of several hundred an hour. I'm not interested in giving you free advice because of your antagonist approach.

[RKO]

13 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't see where you have been badgering her, either. 

But the advice to contact a family attorney is good. Explain the situation and ask what your options actually are, in terms of requesting paternity at birth or being ordered to submit to a test if the mother changes her mind and rquests this. Understand what the (legal) facts are in your jurisdiction. 

You might find that your anxiety relents a bit when you are correctly informed about what this could all look like. Right now it's a lot of guessing games and what-ifs. Find out what the law says where you live. 

I’ve already done all this and explained it a few pages ago. I was advised not to do pre-natal and do when the baby is here, been that she’s told me I am the father, I could pursue her through court for a dna test.

If she wants child support she would go through court and I’d be summoned for a dna test, if father the I start paying from the date she put application in, not from child’s date of birth. That could come any time. If she asked for support but still refused me from having the dna test then they would close the case.

[RKO]

55 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Tell an attorney all this to the tune of several hundred an hour. I'm not interested in giving you free advice because of your antagonist approach.

I appreciate all advice here I genuinely do and it’s a good non biased place to come and use as a soundboard.

However when advice is given not based on facts that Ive written or I’m accused of asking for things that I clearly haven’t then that does no good for anyone.

[MissCanuck]

48 minutes ago, RKO said:

I’ve already done all this and explained it a few pages ago. I was advised not to do pre-natal and do when the baby is here, been that she’s told me I am the father, I could pursue her through court for a dna test

You have already spoken to an attorney? 

Yes, I missed that. 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, RKO said:

 not based on facts that Ive written 

You have no "facts". That's the problem. It's 23 PAGES of your anxiety, misinformation and contradicting yourself.

When facts are presented to you as a logical way to approach, you're response is to argue, counter with nonsensical gossip, threaten suicide, then to top it off deny everything you vehemently attacked for in previous pages with semantics because you don't articulate any facts.

Pay an attorney instead of trying to make people take sides in your crazy self imposed courtroom drama.

 

[RKO]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You have no "facts". That's the problem. It's 23 PAGES of your anxiety and contradicting yourself.

When facts are presented to you as a logical way to approach, you're response is to argue, counter with nonsensical gossip, threaten suicide, then to top it off deny everything you vehemently attacked for in previous pages.

Pay an attorney instead of trying to make people take sides in your crazy self imposed courtroom drama.

 

Listen I don’t want to fall out here with anyone but I really need to stand up for myself on this.

You have said I have been badgering this woman for a prenatal DNA test - I haven’t 

You said I am hassling her - I’m not, haven’t spoken for almost a month.

Im not sure why you’d want to make stuff up like that 

[RKO]

30 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You have already spoken to an attorney? 

Yes, I missed that. 

A solicitor here in the UK yes.

It’s the moral advice I’m sort of seeking here, something a solicitor can’t give 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, RKO said:

.It’s the moral advice I’m sort of seeking here, something a solicitor can’t give 

Well that's for you to figure out. You stated you wanted nothing to do with her. You're just curious if it's yours. If you actually paid an attorney then you would know what your options are in the matter.  That's all that matters. Not what theoretical choices you have.