ONS - Pregnancy

[gamon]

None of the posts that span the last few pages matter in the least.

She's pregnant, you might be the father, you might not, and there's nothing you can do about it at this time except move on with your life, accepting the possibility that some day she's going to come knocking.

That's how life is. The Earth could get hit by an asteroid in the next few years, or Putin could start WW3 and most of us would get wiped out in a nuclear holocaust, or you could get in a fatal car crash or develop cancer.

There's a lot of things we could be looking over our shoulder's at, but it's all about dealing with life day by day and focusing on the things you can control.

 

[Jaunty]

On 10/9/2022 at 3:27 AM, RKO said:

 

Its clear some people would be ok with just walking away, head in sand and forgetting - vibes I get off you,

Whilst others would want to find out.

 

this is where I feel lost and looking for help

You are lost because the situation is out of your hands for the time being - it has been ever since she refused your offer to take a paternity test.  Nothing has changed, and nothing is going to change until / unless she herself has a change of mind, or somehow you figure out how to legally compel her to reveal the paternity of the child via a DNA test, once the birth occurs.  

So all of your obsessing, worrying, and stirring up drama is a waste of valuable energy.  

An important life skill is to put things in perspective.  Yes, potentially being the father of a child is a huge deal, but at this time, you are not going to get any more information about it.  You need to let go of the angsting and focus on your day to day responsibilities, like your job and maintaining your friendships, and this will play out as time goes on.

[RKO]

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

You are lost because the situation is out of your hands for the time being - it has been ever since she refused your offer to take a paternity test.  Nothing has changed, and nothing is going to change until / unless she herself has a change of mind, or somehow you figure out how to legally compel her to reveal the paternity of the child via a DNA test, once the birth occurs.  

So all of your obsessing, worrying, and stirring up drama is a waste of valuable energy.  

An important life skill is to put things in perspective.  Yes, potentially being the father of a child is a huge deal, but at this time, you are not going to get any more information about it.  You need to let go of the angsting and focus on your day to day responsibilities, like your job and maintaining your friendships, and this will play out as time goes on.

I do agree with all of this but I have to admit there’s a part of me thinking should I be keeping the door open slightly or making contact/checking in with the goal of getting that paternity test a bit easier and more amicable? Also IF the child does end up being mine then the ONS might be more open to my involvement when born without getting courts involved for visitation etc

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, RKO said:

 me thinking should I be keeping the door open slightly or making contact/checking in with the goal of getting that paternity test a bit easier and more amicable? 

If you want a relationship with this woman carry on. But stop harassing her. You don't need to pester her constantly during this pregnancy for all sorts of test results. Whenever rotten people are telling you this,stop listening. Let this poor woman carry out her pregnancy in peace without your chronic pestering for all sorts of test results.

You seem excessively cheap. So much so that you actually believe harassing her will save you money for courts attorneys and tests.

Leave her alone. If I were her friend/attorney I would advise her to get a restraining order against you because you're going off the deep end, pestering her, gossiping to her friends, even insinuating she's promiscuous and all sorts of slander.

Get your mental health treated. Maybe she's too broke for proper legal help, but leave her alone.

[RKO]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you want a relationship with this woman carry on. But stop harassing her. You don't need to pester her constantly during this pregnancy for all sorts of test results. Whenever rotten people are telling you this,stop listening. Let this poor woman carry out her pregnancy in peace without your chronic pestering for all sorts of test results.

You seem excessively cheap. So much so that you actually believe harassing her will save you money for courts attorneys and tests.

Leave her alone. If I were her friend/attorney I would advise her to get a restraining order against you because you're going off the deep end, pestering her, gossiping to her friends, even insinuating she's promiscuous and all sorts of slander.

Get your mental health treated. Maybe she's too broke for proper legal help, but leave her alone.

Again, I need to stress to you I am not harassing her, period. We haven’t spoken or interacted for over 3 weeks. So please can you stop with this notion that I am pestering her as it’s not the truth at all. Also not sure where you have this cheap view from either. As for a restraining order? Jesus Christ. As above not spoken.

The advice to possibly open up communications with her came from my mum actually. So far from rotten.

 

[mylolita]

On 9/28/2022 at 7:32 PM, Batya33 said:

Please with all due respect to midwives  -who delivered three of my grandnephews - for the right people midwives are the best! - there's really no such thing with the technicalities you're looking for - months -sure -of course I'd be on board -if you had sex with someone who seemed to look like she had a baby bump and/or she shared classic pregnancy symptoms like morning sickness or a penchant for odd foods/ food cravings and implied she could be pregnant -well then fine, sure - truth is she might have had sex 3 days earlier, then with you (not saying she's wrong to do that -she's an adult who obviously enjoys casual sex to some extent, as do you) - and you are the lucky daddy and guy 3 days earlier is not.  

This is very true.

 

Remember, sperm can survive inside for a few days, to then fertilise an egg after the fact. 
 

Paternity test is the only way. My midwife calculated my due date wrong for all three of my babies. My son came 2 weeks before his due date, my daughter a whole week and a day before hers and my third daughter 4 days before hers (most accurate probably just by chance). Due dates are estimations. It’s very rare that a woman gives birth on her given due date. 
 

x

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, RKO said:

The advice to possibly open up communications with her came from my mum actually. 

Well if she's not contacting you then leave her alone.  "Opening up communication" is a bad idea for the simple reason that she is not contacting you so leave her alone.

Why pester her? What's this about doing this (pestering her) would make getting a paternity test "easier"?  Makes no sense. Either you go to court and try to get the child's or she goes to court to try to get yours. It has nothing to with staying in touch with her which is colossally bad advice.

[Seraphim]

11 minutes ago, mylolita said:

This is very true.

 

Remember, sperm can survive inside for a few days, to then fertilise an egg after the fact. 
 

Paternity test is the only way. My midwife calculated my due date wrong for all three of my babies. My son came 2 weeks before his due date, my daughter a whole week and a day before hers and my third daughter 4 days before hers (most accurate probably just by chance). Due dates are estimations. It’s very rare that a woman gives birth on her given due date. 
 

x

Yup at very best am educated guess. I went 5 days passed my due date. Now, of course things are MUCH better than over 50 years ago at guessing, but I recently got to see my husband‘s long form birth certificate and he is listed as “ premature “ the boy weighed almost 9 pounds 😂. No way he was premature. The dates were off. 

[Batya33]

I think if you want to be an involved father after you find out you are the father simply tell her that there was no point in you interacting with her during the pregnancy or helping her if you were not the father of the child. 

Tell her -realistically -the two of you are not close friends -had you been you would have stepped up just like her other close friends with no blood ties to the child.  Focus 100% on the child - not buttering her up.  I have people in my life and have had people in my life I have little in common with but they are there for my child.  Some are paid, some are acquaintances in a sort of barter system where we help each other. 

Good parents welcome help for their children from their village -and especially family-  even if the helper is unlikely to be a BFF despite being a good person. If she cannot fathom why you wanted to wait to find out if you were the father then that would tell me she's focusing on some odd notion that you were required to stick around just because the two of you had intercourse at the specific time you did.  

But this is all months away, assuming specific events happen and assuming she remains pregnant (which I hope she does generally -I'd never wish ill on a pregnant woman in her situation!)

[RKO]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think if you want to be an involved father after you find out you are the father simply tell her that there was no point in you interacting with her during the pregnancy or helping her if you were not the father of the child. 

Tell her -realistically -the two of you are not close friends -had you been you would have stepped up just like her other close friends with no blood ties to the child.  Focus 100% on the child - not buttering her up.  I have people in my life and have had people in my life I have little in common with but they are there for my child.  Some are paid, some are acquaintances in a sort of barter system where we help each other. 

Good parents welcome help for their children from their village -and especially family-  even if the helper is unlikely to be a BFF despite being a good person. If she cannot fathom why you wanted to wait to find out if you were the father then that would tell me she's focusing on some odd notion that you were required to stick around just because the two of you had intercourse at the specific time you did.  

But this is all months away, assuming specific events happen and assuming she remains pregnant (which I hope she does generally -I'd never wish ill on a pregnant woman in her situation!)

Thanks @Batya33 I think after discussing it with my mum we asked ourself if you had gone through the hard bit of being pregnant and then the “father”came along without once checking how we were and if all was ok would we be angry and more inclined to say f*ck you and no chance you’re getting a paternity test without a fight, or even possibly deny I’m the father.

Totally get your point of saying no point helping etc but I just know she will throw the prenatal test in my face and said “well you had your chance”

I do t think Im being unreasonable for paternity test at birth at all in this situation

Also on your point about miscarriage, without being in touch now and again, how would I even know if that may have happened without our mutual friend telling me (not sure she would)

[RKO]

40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well if she's not contacting you then leave her alone.  "Opening up communication" is a bad idea for the simple reason that she is not contacting you so leave her alone.

Why pester her? What's this about doing this (pestering her) would make getting a paternity test "easier"?  Makes no sense. Either you go to court and try to get the child's or she goes to court to try to get yours. It has nothing to with staying in touch with her which is colossally bad advice.

Just see my reply to Batya above as to why it could possibly be a good reason 

[RKO]

46 minutes ago, mylolita said:

This is very true.

 

Remember, sperm can survive inside for a few days, to then fertilise an egg after the fact. 
 

Paternity test is the only way. My midwife calculated my due date wrong for all three of my babies. My son came 2 weeks before his due date, my daughter a whole week and a day before hers and my third daughter 4 days before hers (most accurate probably just by chance). Due dates are estimations. It’s very rare that a woman gives birth on her given due date. 
 

x

I’d never thought I’d be so well educated with pregnancy as I have the last month haha, thanks for the post.

of course it’s not an exact science but I think this is partly why her friends apparently haven’t even put me in the equation to be father as her fertile window was before we had sex, a good few days before. Again, not an exact science is it but just another reason for paternity test

[Batya33]

Just now, RKO said:

Thanks @Batya33 I think after discussing it with my mum we asked ourself if you had gone through the hard bit of being pregnant and then the “father”came along without once checking how we were and if all was ok would we be angry and more inclined to say f*ck you and no chance you’re getting a paternity test without a fight, or even possibly deny I’m the father.

Totally get your point of saying no point helping etc but I just know she will throw the prenatal test in my face and said “well you had your chance”

I do t think Im being unreasonable for paternity test at birth at all in this situation

Also on your point about miscarriage, without being in touch now and again, how would I even know if that may have happened without our mutual friend telling me (not sure she would)

You won't know and you're not entitled to know.  The thing is in this situation the way you chose to set it up you chose the risk that you wouldn't know or have access to pertinent information.  You chose to get drunk and chose to have intercourse with a woman you're not dating, involved with, even good friends with.  Your mother likely never was in that situation ever - she knew all her partners (if she had more than one) and so it was a given that they'd be in close touch after intercourse. 

So if I was involved with someone and had sex with him and he immediately implied or accused me of having sex with others yes I would be really annoyed given our connection (and your only real connection to this woman is you penetrated her while drunk - I mean you'd have to hear about a tragic miscarriage through mutual friends?).  And if he showed up after knowing we'd been dating seriously I'd be annoyed then. 

Would I agree to a paternity test -yes if I thought he was otherwise a good person as far as could make a good parent (meaning he'd be asking even though he knew 99.9% since we were a couple -who else could it be?)- maybe no if he was a person with evil intentions who could harm my child.  It would be all about the child.  Not about me.  Not like you're making it about you "well I don't like this woman and want nothing to do with her so that is one reason why I don't want to father a child she is having".  

Your mom likely cannot relate to this situation where you have mindless unprotected sex while drunk and blithely walk away and then pity yourself when she tells you she is now pregnant and it could be yours.  

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, RKO said:

I’d never thought I’d be so well educated with pregnancy as I have the last month haha, thanks for the post.

of course it’s not an exact science but I think this is partly why her friends apparently haven’t even put me in the equation to be father as her fertile window was before we had sex, a good few days before. Again, not an exact science is it but just another reason for paternity test

You know what -if you're going to have sex then educate yourself about pregnancy. Like I mentioned pages ago my son and I have now read two sex ed books together.  An age appropriate three-book series (yes you're supposed to start at around age 4-5) recommended by his pediatrician when he was 10 years old.  He's 13 so the last one - meant for teens -had chapters on what can result in pregnancy.  It hammered home in very direct, realistic terms the risks of pregnancy from sexual activity.  How to help to prevent sex, what to do if there's a mishap/accident -all of it -spelled out in details.  He's 13 -does he know it all now.  Nope of course not -he's 13 but it's a darn good intro. He.  Not a She.  It's just as important for him to know as it is for a teenage girl.  So educate yourself if you want the privilege of having sex especially outside of marriage.

Due dates are far from an exact science.  Don't even mention in the same sentence.

[Tinydance]

On 10/9/2022 at 10:21 PM, RKO said:

Which I have done and because I have proof off her saying I am the father then I could go down that path and Persue. The court would assume I’m the father if she refused DNA test.

So it’s not really moot and something that can be swept under the proverbial carpet

Why would they assume without any actual proof?

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well if she's not contacting you then leave her alone.  "Opening up communication" is a bad idea for the simple reason that she is not contacting you so leave her alone.

Why pester her? What's this about doing this (pestering her) would make getting a paternity test "easier"?  Makes no sense. Either you go to court and try to get the child's or she goes to court to try to get yours. It has nothing to with staying in touch with her which is colossally bad advice.

Because he has very severe anxiety about whether he's the father or not and he just can't relax

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, RKO said:

Thanks @Batya33 I think after discussing it with my mum we asked ourself if you had gone through the hard bit of being pregnant and then the “father”came along without once checking how we were and if all was ok would we be angry and more inclined to say f*ck you and no chance you’re getting a paternity test without a fight, or even possibly deny I’m the father.

Totally get your point of saying no point helping etc but I just know she will throw the prenatal test in my face and said “well you had your chance”

I do t think Im being unreasonable for paternity test at birth at all in this situation

Also on your point about miscarriage, without being in touch now and again, how would I even know if that may have happened without our mutual friend telling me (not sure she would)

Well just send her a text saying: "Hey, hoping you and the baby are doing well. Please let me know if you need to get in touch". Then just leave it. I mean, she hasn't exactly been "Miss Friendly" to you herself so there's only so much you can really do.

[RKO]

14 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Because he has very severe anxiety about whether he's the father or not and he just can't relax

Think this is it, and those saying to get therapy dont really understand. No amount of talking is going to sort the issue out of yes of being a father

[RKO]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You know what -if you're going to have sex then educate yourself about pregnancy. Like I mentioned pages ago my son and I have now read two sex ed books together.  An age appropriate three-book series (yes you're supposed to start at around age 4-5) recommended by his pediatrician when he was 10 years old.  He's 13 so the last one - meant for teens -had chapters on what can result in pregnancy.  It hammered home in very direct, realistic terms the risks of pregnancy from sexual activity.  How to help to prevent sex, what to do if there's a mishap/accident -all of it -spelled out in details.  He's 13 -does he know it all now.  Nope of course not -he's 13 but it's a darn good intro. He.  Not a She.  It's just as important for him to know as it is for a teenage girl.  So educate yourself if you want the privilege of having sex especially outside of marriage.

Due dates are far from an exact science.  Don't even mention in the same sentence.

I said pregnancy, not getting pregnant. The development, the scans, the dates etc

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, RKO said:

I said pregnancy, not getting pregnant. The development, the scans, the dates etc

Yes.  Same.  I'm not sure if those books I referenced for teenagers get in depth about scans but they talk about how a baby develops and how it works with the due dates etc.  

[RKO]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You won't know and you're not entitled to know.  The thing is in this situation the way you chose to set it up you chose the risk that you wouldn't know or have access to pertinent information.  You chose to get drunk and chose to have intercourse with a woman you're not dating, involved with, even good friends with.  Your mother likely never was in that situation ever - she knew all her partners (if she had more than one) and so it was a given that they'd be in close touch after intercourse. 

So if I was involved with someone and had sex with him and he immediately implied or accused me of having sex with others yes I would be really annoyed given our connection (and your only real connection to this woman is you penetrated her while drunk - I mean you'd have to hear about a tragic miscarriage through mutual friends?).  And if he showed up after knowing we'd been dating seriously I'd be annoyed then. 

Would I agree to a paternity test -yes if I thought he was otherwise a good person as far as could make a good parent (meaning he'd be asking even though he knew 99.9% since we were a couple -who else could it be?)- maybe no if he was a person with evil intentions who could harm my child.  It would be all about the child.  Not about me.  Not like you're making it about you "well I don't like this woman and want nothing to do with her so that is one reason why I don't want to father a child she is having".  

Your mom likely cannot relate to this situation where you have mindless unprotected sex while drunk and blithely walk away and then pity yourself when she tells you she is now pregnant and it could be yours.  

Ok once again just to clarify, she told me after having sex that she was in-fact dating someone else so it’s not me just picking something out of thin air, there is a sound and valid reason for asking for a paternity test in this situation, make no bones about it. Also not once have I said to her or anyone I am not the father, I’ve said I want to know 100%, again in this position valid imo.

 

As for not being entitled to know? So you think it’s ok for a woman to say to a man “I’m having your baby, by the way I’m not going to have a paternity test so you’ll never know for sure”

I not sure what kind of world/country you live in where tah5 is deemed acceptable behaviour

 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, RKO said:

Think this is it, and those saying to get therapy dont really understand. No amount of talking is going to sort the issue out of yes of being a father

Therapy is not "talking" - it's analysis done by talking but also in other ways -I'm sure some therapists also use physical techniques, breathing, visualization, writing, playacting etc -not a therapist but it's silly to think that talking is the point of therapy.

[Batya33]

Just now, RKO said:

Ok once again just to clarify, she told me after having sex that she was in-fact dating someone else so it’s not me just picking something out of thin air, there is a sound and valid reason for asking for a paternity test in this situation, make no bones about it. Also not once have I said to her or anyone I am not the father, I’ve said I want to know 100%, again in this position valid imo.

 

Of course.  I never said you shouldn't ask for paternity.  I said your mom likely never had drunken unprotected sex with someone she just met so it's really hard to relate to the level of responsibility afterwards or the extent of information afterward.  You chose to risk having little to no access to such information when you chose to get drunk and have unprotected sex with someone you didn't know well.

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well just send her a text saying: "Hey, hoping you and the baby are doing well. Please let me know if you need to get in touch". Then just leave it. I mean, she hasn't exactly been "Miss Friendly" to you herself so there's only so much you can really do.

I would never do that.  He has no idea if she considers it to be a baby, no idea if she is still pregnant, and all he needs is stuff in writing she can fling at him later.  I wouldn't do that especially not in writing.

[RKO]

21 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well just send her a text saying: "Hey, hoping you and the baby are doing well. Please let me know if you need to get in touch". Then just leave it. I mean, she hasn't exactly been "Miss Friendly" to you herself so there's only so much you can really do.

I can literally already see her response from that “why would I need to get in touch with you about anything blah blah blah” as you say, miss friendly she certainly isnt