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RKO
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4 hours ago, RKO said:

she says no one would know but a lot know we had sex that night at the wedding and it was a butt of all jokes.

Wishful thinking, but that excuse simply wouldn't fly.  These stories have a tendency to be exposed in one way or another.

Rather than making excuses or trying to worm your way out of this, it's time to take responsibility for the choices you made. Of course it's too late to turn back time, yet it's not too late to focus on this innocent child who has no say in this matter.

I hope you choose to own this, and do the right thing.

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Well to be honest I think people will find out you're the father, especially if you live in a smaller town. So as much as it sucks I don't think you'll really be able to hide it. I agree you should get a paternity test before making any huge decisions. I mean, if it turns out to be not your child, you can be off the hook so probably best to check that first.

My suggestion would be to maybe talk to a therapist because different people can have different opinions on different things and you are getting various responses here. 

I'm a woman myself but I can actually sympathise with your situation. I mean, that girl I'm guessing was drunk too and wasn't on any birth control or used condoms either so it's not completely your fault. Usually the morning after pill should work but the longer you don't take it the less effective it is. So maybe she left it too long, who knows.

I don't think it's wrong that you don't want to have this child. Some people don't even want kids at all and as you said, you have no relationship at all with this girl, you're not even close to her. It's her who wants the baby so you've been put in a very difficult situation.

 

 

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5 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well to be honest I think people will find out you're the father, especially if you live in a smaller town. So as much as it sucks I don't think you'll really be able to hide it. I agree you should get a paternity test before making any huge decisions. I mean, if it turns out to be not your child, you can be off the hook so probably best to check that first.

My suggestion would be to maybe talk to a therapist because different people can have different opinions on different things and you are getting various responses here. 

I'm a woman myself but I can actually sympathise with your situation. I mean, that girl I'm guessing was drunk too and wasn't on any birth control or used condoms either so it's not completely your fault. Usually the morning after pill should work but the longer you don't take it the less effective it is. So maybe she left it too long, who knows.

I don't think it's wrong that you don't want to have this child. Some people don't even want kids at all and as you said, you have no relationship at all with this girl, you're not even close to her. It's her who wants the baby so you've been put in a very difficult situation.

 

 

Thank you for understanding, I’m finding a lot blame the man exclusively here and no blame on the woman so it’s refreshing.

 

I think perhaps the best solution here for me is to admit it’s mine if dates etc line up, pay the child support but not play any part in the child’s life.

Some may say that’s wrong, some may say I selfish, but that’s the position I’m feeling right now

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30 minutes ago, RKO said:

Ithink perhaps the best solution here for me is to admit it’s mine if dates etc line up, pay the child support but not play any part in the child’s life.

What is the main concern? That people will know it's yours through your association with her or if it is actually yours?

Because either way all you need is do is get a paternity test if you have issues in the future.

She is choosing to be a single mother for whatever misguided reason. Nothing you can do about that. Except pay the child support if she can prove it's yours.

Was it understood you'd be a sperm donor for her endeavor or was she hoping this would lead to a relationship or family?

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18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What is the main concern? That people will know it's yours through your association with her or if it is actually yours?

Because either way all you need is do is get a paternity test if you have issues in the future.

She is choosing to be a single mother for whatever misguided reason. Nothing you can do about that. Except pay the child support if she can prove it's yours.

Was it understood you'd be a sperm donor for her endeavor or was she hoping this would lead to a relationship or family?

Main concern if it actually is mine, I think it most likely is but can’t be 100%

 

No, it was genuinely a drunken, stupid one night stand when the MAP didn’t work, nothing more. Both of us know that

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6 minutes ago, RKO said:

 it was genuinely a drunken, stupid one night stand when the MAP didn’t work.

You needed a map to get to this destination 😂 

Seriously. Get tested for STDs and buy a large box of condoms.

You don't know how many other drunken hookups she's been having lately.

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20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You needed a map to get to this destination 😂 

Seriously. Get tested for STDs and buy a large box of condoms.

You don't know how many other drunken hookups she's been having lately.

Hehe it means morning after pill.

 

what would you personally do in this situation?

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1 hour ago, RKO said:

I’m finding a lot blame the man exclusively here and no blame on the woman so it’s refreshing.

No one is saying that you created this pregnancy all by yourself.*

There's a difference between blame and responsibility. You prefer to abandon the child, whereas she does not. That is on you, and people are responding to that. 

______________________________________

* Although your "copper coil" statement was nonsensical. You can't just throw in an IUD by yourself, on a whim. If you're not up to snuff on birth control techniques, you are to blame there. 

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6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

As mentioned. STD testing, paternity test and condoms.

As far as the people you both know putting all this together, nothing you can do about that.

I mean if you were the father, would you take the option to walk away? Regardless if people found out?

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28 minutes ago, RKO said:

I mean if you were the father, would you take the option to walk away? Regardless if people found out?

Do you want a relationship with her? Do you want a family with her? Do you want to live with her or marry her? That's completely up to you regardless of gossip.

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OP I shared with you a video in my previous post on someone who was in that same situation.

I would say, don't make any rash decisions for now. Wait until the baby is born and a paternity test is done. You might have a change of heart once you hold your baby in your own hands.

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12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you want a relationship with her? Do you want a family with her? Do you want to live with her or marry her? That's completely up to you regardless of gossip.

A huge no to every single one of them

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8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

don't think it's wrong that you don't want to have this child. Some people don't even want kids at all and as you said, you have no relationship at all with this girl, you're not even close to her. It's her who wants the baby so you've been put in a very difficult situation.

I think it's wrong if he reacts to that feeling by abandoning the child. He chose to get drunk, he chose the consequences.  Whenever you have sex if the woman is not in meonopause or completely sterile, etc there is always a chance of pregnancy. There is always a chance the pregnant woman will choose to keep the baby. 

There is always a choice to abstain from sex other than forcible/rape.  Whenever I had sex I knew I could get pregnant, also knew I very likely would never abort, so except in one dumb situation I only had sex where I was ready to have the baby, where my partner was ready to be a father, get married, etc. I abstained many many times when I wanted to have sex -meaning no casual sex, etc. 

I was very very lucky not to conceive with an exclusive boyfriend who told me he would want me to have an abortion if I got pregnant.  I was on birth control.  I knew deep down I would not abort -and I'm not sure what he would have done because it didn't happen. 

That was the only time I had sex in a situation where we both weren't ready to be parents (he was 40, I was in my mid 30s). And I was using birth control. The difference is I would have had the baby and raised the baby and loved the baby so at least the baby would have had one loving parent.  Still so stupid on my part.  I can relate to decisions like this in this way.  But in your case you had sex, took the risk, knowing you would want to walk away from an innocent child. To me that is different.  

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15 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

OP I shared with you a video in my previous post on someone who was in that same situation.

I would say, don't make any rash decisions for now. Wait until the baby is born and a paternity test is done. You might have a change of heart once you hold your baby in your own hands.

And if he doesn't have some change of heart he still needs to have a change of wallet so if I were him I wouldn't go on the wings of a whim of a feeling - certainly a bonus if he ends up wanting to be an involved father beyond financially but the financial part has nothing to do with his feelings - we all have to put aside our But I Don't Wanna!! feelings to do what is right.

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2 minutes ago, RKO said:

A huge no to every single one of them

Then why ponder it? Wait for the paternity test and go your separate ways. A hookup doesn't mean you're cut out to be together or be parents. If she wants to (foolishly) fly this plane solo, let her. Just pay the support if it is yours.

 

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50 minutes ago, RKO said:

I mean if you were the father, would you take the option to walk away? Regardless if people found out?

What option is there to walk away? Meaning because you're not carrying the baby in your body for 9 months it's an "option" to walk away? It's only an option for those who choose to abandon responsibility to a child they helped create.  Reminds me of the countless posts on my Nextdoor site where someone adopted a Pandemic Puppy and now thinks better of it -it's inconvenient oh well - and they have the "option" of rehoming - it's only an option because they didn't plan for the future responsibilities in the first place - just like you chose to get drunk and chose to have sex knowing a baby could be created.  

By contrast, there are parents who have to give up their child for foster or adoption because despite all the planning tragic circumstances mean the baby would be better off in foster/adoption.  (Same with having to rehome a dog in certain circumstances -and no I am not a dog lover -just see this trend and horrified people posting back to the person who is blithely rehoming because of inconvenience).  

Just because you're not the one carrying the baby for 9 months or so doesn't mean you get the "option" of walking away.  

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5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Then why ponder it? Wait for the paternity test and go your separate ways. A hookup doesn't mean you're cut out to be together or be parents. If she wants to (foolishly) fly this plane solo, let her. Just pay the support if it is yours.

 

Yes exactly - all else equal if he doesn't want to be an involved father let the woman meet someone who does and all he has to do is his financial part.  My issue is he seems somehow to be against even doing that.

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8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Then why ponder it? Wait for the paternity test and go your separate ways. A hookup doesn't mean you're cut out to be together or be parents. If she wants to (foolishly) fly this plane solo, let her. Just pay the support if it is yours.

 

That’s my feelings also, but if I tell my mum I’m sure she would want me involved and be disgusted if I walked away. She was a single mother herself with me.

 

I just can’t win with any option really

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13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

And if he doesn't have some change of heart he still needs to have a change of wallet so if I were him I wouldn't go on the wings of a whim of a feeling - certainly a bonus if he ends up wanting to be an involved father beyond financially but the financial part has nothing to do with his feelings - we all have to put aside our But I Don't Wanna!! feelings to do what is right.

Of course!

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I'm just thinking though, is it better to know who your father is but basically never see him or have any relationship with him at all? Or maybe it's better not to know your father and instead have a stepfather/adoptive father/father figure (Uncle, grandfather, male family friend). I mean if you actually knew your Dad but you also knew he wants nothing to do with you, wouldn't that hurt more? 

Equally you can say this woman knew what she was getting herself into so she also has to live with the consequences of her choices because she had unprotected drunk sex with basically a random. If she wants to have a baby by all means it's her body and her choice. But she can't necessarily expect some random guy she doesn't really know will want to have a baby with her.

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8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes exactly - all else equal if he doesn't want to be an involved father let the woman meet someone who does and all he has to do is his financial part.  My issue is he seems somehow to be against even doing that.

I would pay, even if she said she didn’t want me to

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Just because you're not the one carrying the baby for 9 months or so doesn't mean you get the "option" of walking away.  

I mean, he has that option. Just doesnt make him very good of a person. Same with people who adopt puppies or cats and take regret and abandon them.

Somebody asked what is better, to know and never see dad or to not know and have somebody else take that role. Its difficult question as it has multiple factors. We dont know how good of a mother she would be or would kid even have a father figure. But what is better from 2 solutions OP has?

1) To take responsability and at least try to be the best dad he can be

2) To completely abandon his kid. Not knowing how it would affect that kid(OP himself basically is abandoned kid which is highly ironic in this situation) and if kid would turn up fine and if somebody else would assume that role

Because through my school career I have seen a lot of "deadbeat dads" kids. Results are usually not pretty. From school work, to behavior of a kid. 

Also some would say that its her choice. Sure. But she didnt extraxct his seed away from him and turkey blast it like in that Hollywood movie. He was willing to give it to her. But now he wont have consequences of his behavior. Doesnt work like that. At least if you are a decent human being and not a scum.

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1 hour ago, RKO said:

That’s my feelings also, but if I tell my mum I’m sure she would want me involved

It's your (supposedly) and her child, not your mother's so why is this a factor? Just be as honest with people as you are here. You hooked up, she wants a child and you don't. But you'll be financially responsible if it is yours. This isn't the 1950s where you have to marry someone you "got in trouble".

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