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RKO
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4 hours ago, RKO said:

I think perhaps the best solution here for me is to admit it’s mine if dates etc line up, pay the child support but not play any part in the child’s life.

Please don't rely on just the dates. 

Get an actual DNA test. 

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52 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's your (supposedly) and her child, not your mother's so why is this a factor? Just be as honest with people as you are here. You hooked up, she wants a child and you don't. But you'll be financially responsible if it is yours. This isn't the 1950s where you have to marry someone you "got in trouble".

Well I’m sure she would love to be a grandmother, time is ticking by and would probably be ashamed if I walked away (although would pay support)

 

keeping it a secret from her is a know go as if or when it got out and she found out like that…

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3 minutes ago, RKO said:

That would be a long time away, march I believe 

what should i do in the meantime?

I think you can actually do in vitro paternity tests. At least I'm pretty sure you can here in Australia. If this woman is really sure you're the father then I don't see why she should object to it.

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3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I mean, he has that option. Just doesnt make him very good of a person. Same with people who adopt puppies or cats and take regret and abandon them.

Somebody asked what is better, to know and never see dad or to not know and have somebody else take that role. Its difficult question as it has multiple factors. We dont know how good of a mother she would be or would kid even have a father figure. But what is better from 2 solutions OP has?

1) To take responsability and at least try to be the best dad he can be

2) To completely abandon his kid. Not knowing how it would affect that kid(OP himself basically is abandoned kid which is highly ironic in this situation) and if kid would turn up fine and if somebody else would assume that role

Because through my school career I have seen a lot of "deadbeat dads" kids. Results are usually not pretty. From school work, to behavior of a kid. 

Also some would say that its her choice. Sure. But she didnt extraxct his seed away from him and turkey blast it like in that Hollywood movie. He was willing to give it to her. But now he wont have consequences of his behavior. Doesnt work like that. At least if you are a decent human being and not a scum.

Honestly I was focusing more on him being involved financially. As for the rest it depends what is in the best interests of the child and that will depend on how this all plays out.

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Geez dude, think about that child growing up and wondering about his or her father and being told you wanted no part of the child's life.

It happened to you, is this the legacy you want to propagate?

You don't have to take the kid to activities and be a daily part of their live, but you could be there and occasionally meet and stay in touch periodically.

What's the harm in that?

You're too busy??

At least you're willing to support the child.

But if it was me I'd definitely do the paternity test, if mom slept with you she probably was with other guys.

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3 minutes ago, gamon said:

But if it was me I'd definitely do the paternity test, if mom slept with you she probably was with other guys.

Yes just like she should hopefully be tested for STDs because likewise she should assume that given his attitude he's taken these sorts of risks in the past.  We have no idea if this was her first ONS or whether she's had many.  She also took the risk of pregnancy as he did. Assuming she does this regularly or is promiscuous is based on nothing - but certainly a paternity test just in case.  

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8 hours ago, RKO said:

Main concern if it actually is mine, I think it most likely is but can’t be 100%

 

No, it was genuinely a drunken, stupid one night stand when the MAP didn’t work, nothing more. Both of us know that

It's only a one night stand if you didn't know each other before, and never see each other again.  You hooked up with someone you knew and do know, and have common friends with. 

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7 hours ago, RKO said:

Well I’m sure she would love to be a grandmother, time is ticking by and would probably be ashamed if I walked away (although would pay support)

It doesn't have t be a secret. You need to acknowledge as well that She wants nothing to do with You.

She was so crystal clear on that point to the extreme of saying she doesn't even want child support because She Does Not Want you involved. 

So skip the guilt trips and and take it day by day if and until you get a subpoena for child support and get a paternity test. Just because two drunk people had sex it doesn't mean they want to be or even should be together. Keep in mind she may want to raise it herself or with someone she cares about.

Perhaps she won't tell the child it's history because of the tawdry nature of it's conception. She may find a man who wants to raise it as his own. Who knows? 

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RKO,

 

Your post washed up a lot of memories for me. It is so easy to fall pregnant, even one time, when the woman is young (I presume). 
 

I was in a situation where me and my now husband had sex once without protection, and I took the morning after pill the next day, and still fell pregnant. I was 23, we were engaged but I felt… so unready. And there we were having lived together for 5 years and were engaged and employed and had our own apartment - and I even wanted a family!!! But still didn’t feel ready. 
 

My point is, you never, fully feel ready. Even with everything planned and perfect. There is no “perfect” time. I never kept the pregnancy and I will regret that for the rest of my life until I die. I hope no one else will feel how I feel ever again. But you might, if you turn your back on your potential son or daughter. 
 

I have 3 children with my husband now, and not one day can I imagine them not being here. 
 

There is a flip side to your coin here. You are not entertaining the idea that, you might meet your baby and actually fall in love? It might be the best thing that ever happens too you. You just never know. Accidents can be blessings in disguise. 
 

I am not saying it’s going to be easy. You have a complicated relationship there, and a paternity test to sort out, and financial obligations. But this situation you think is the ruin of your life - it could turn out to be your sunshine and reason! I know it sounds corny, but babies and kids… they will test you, but there is no love like it, I promise you that. If this baby is yours, you want to look back on your life and be able to say to yourself - I did the right thing. Your whole attitude might change the moment that baby is placed in your arms for the first time. 
 

If the baby is yours, you need to try and connect, be there. You can’t dip in and out of a child’s life. You need to make the commitment for life. That’s what’s so heavy but magical about it. 
 

Albert Einstein once said:

 

’Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.’

 

Best of luck.

 

x

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There's also a flip side. I became unexpectedly pregnant and the man responsible raged at me and DEMANDED I get an abortion. When I refused he walked out on me. He didn't care at all. He just wanted me and the baby to disappear somewhere. 

I'm glad you didn't react like that because I assure you, it was awful. 

It also seems like you're at least willing to help provide financially if the child is indeed yours. You shouldn't have to pay for EVERYTHING, but a fair percentage of the basic needs for food, clothing, shelter and medical expenses and later on, education.

But first, determine with a paternity test if the child is indeed yours. The fact that the woman is so adamant that she wants nothing from you has me scratching my head a bit.

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55 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

There's also a flip side. I became unexpectedly pregnant and the man responsible raged at me and DEMANDED I get an abortion. When I refused he walked out on me. He didn't care at all. He just wanted me and the baby to disappear somewhere. 

I'm glad you didn't react like that because I assure you, it was awful. 

It also seems like you're at least willing to help provide financially if the child is indeed yours. You shouldn't have to pay for EVERYTHING, but a fair percentage of the basic needs for food, clothing, shelter and medical expenses and later on, education.

But first, determine with a paternity test if the child is indeed yours. The fact that the woman is so adamant that she wants nothing from you has me scratching my head a bit.

This can so sadly happen.

 

No one should or can force a woman to terminate. My husband said the decision laid with me. I knew he wanted to keep the baby - that’s almost the worst part.

 

But yes, paternity test, and then, dust yourself off and give yourself time to pull yourself together. You have roughly 8 months. A lot can happen in that time - you can do a lot of soul searching and preparation in 8 months plus.

 

x

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19 hours ago, RKO said:

Main concern if it actually is mine, I think it most likely is but can’t be 100%

 

No, it was genuinely a drunken, stupid one night stand when the MAP didn’t work, nothing more. Both of us know that

Why did you forego condoms and rely exclusively on the "Morning After Pill" in order to avoid pregnancy?

Why is it the woman's responsibility to make sure that she doesn't get pregnant AFTER unprotected sex, as opposed to a SHARED RESPONSIBILITY to avoid unprotected sex beforehand?

If you knew that you absolutely had no desire to become a father, THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE WORN CONDOMS. Not left it up to the woman, and then been like "Oh sh*t, the Morning After Pill didn't work! Poor ME."

I don't feel any sympathy for you, and, in fact, I'm completely disgusted by you. This innocent baby deserves so much better.

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6 hours ago, Wonderstruck said:

f you knew that you absolutely had no desire to become a father, THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE WORN CONDOMS. Not left it up to the woman, and then been like "Oh sh*t, the Morning After Pill didn't work! Poor ME."

To me if that was his desire he shouldn't be having casual sex at all unless the woman agrees in advance that she would take morning after/abort.  Even then.  Woman can and is entitled to change her mind.  At least in a serious relationship there is lots more information on both sides about family planning (or lack thereof).  I used double protection when I knew I did not want to get pregnant - pill and condoms.  And we both accepted that stuff happens -there is no guarantee unless the woman is well past childbearing age.

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7 hours ago, Wonderstruck said:

I don't feel any sympathy for you, and, in fact, I'm completely disgusted by you. This innocent baby deserves so much better.

The guy is here for advice, why would he care about what a random internet stranger thinks about him and his actions? This thread isn't "about you".

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17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

To me if that was his desire he shouldn't be having casual sex at all unless the woman agrees in advance that she would take morning after/abort.  Even then.  Woman can and is entitled to change her mind.  At least in a serious relationship there is lots more information on both sides about family planning (or lack thereof).  I used double protection when I knew I did not want to get pregnant - pill and condoms.  And we both accepted that stuff happens -there is no guarantee unless the woman is well past childbearing age.

I agree, but I don't even like the idea of him getting to enjoy unprotected sex because the woman agreed to take the Morning After Pill or to get an abortion.

If he doesn't want to risk the woman getting pregnant, because he knows that he has no desire to be a father, then the onus is on BOTH OF THEM to take precautions. It should not just be left up to the WOMAN to ensure that pregnancy is prevented.

I read in an earlier comment that he actually encouraged her to get a copper coil (IUD)?! So basically, he had no problem casually encouraging her to have this foreign object inserted into her body in order to prevent pregnancy, rather than simply having to risk having less pleasurable sex due to wearing a condom.

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4 minutes ago, gamon said:

The guy is here for advice, why would he care about what a random internet stranger thinks about him and his actions? This thread isn't "about you".

Don't try your snarky responses with me. I'm not the one.

Also, I asked him an extremely fair question - if he knew that he had no desire to be a father, why did he put the onus entirely on the WOMAN to prevent pregnancy, even going so far as to encourage her to HAVE AN IUD INSERTED INSIDE OF HER BODY, while he can't even be bothered to wear condoms because, God forbid, they might make sex less pleasurable for him.

Also, in HIS VERY FIRST COMMENT IN THIS POST, he literally said "Don't hold back on saying what you think of me". So, I'm not holding back on saying what I think of him.

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I used double protection when I knew I did not want to get pregnant - pill and condoms

Same. Better be safe than sorry.

I personally consider any man who doesn't own up to his part of bc and uses a condom a flying red flag.

@WonderstruckI get your point. He traded safety for risky pleasure and his partner agreed to it. They took the risk. Hopefully, he learned this considering the outcomes.

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12 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Same. Better be safe than sorry.

I personally consider any man who doesn't own up to his part of bc and uses a condom a flying red flag.

@WonderstruckI get your point. He traded safety for risky pleasure and his partner agreed to it. They took the risk. Hopefully, he learned this considering the outcomes.

Yes for sure if the couple doesn’t want to risk pregnancy. I dated someone who didn’t want to marry his girlfriend when she became pregnant. He was very classy about the information he shared with me and it seemed obvious to me that she was 40 and desperate to be a mom and was not truthful about using her BC. I didn’t pry but it was kind of obvious.

They ended up coparenting (child started college recently) and I stopped dating him after the birth as I realized I couldn’t handle the situation.  But that was partly because he now needed to coparent and prioritize his child.

We’ve stayed in touch. He’s always been highly involved in his child’s life. I’m glad he stepped up to the plate. Child seems like a lovely person. 

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51 minutes ago, Wonderstruck said:

I agree, but I don't even like the idea of him getting to enjoy unprotected sex because the woman agreed to take the Morning After Pill or to get an abortion.

If he doesn't want to risk the woman getting pregnant, because he knows that he has no desire to be a father, then the onus is on BOTH OF THEM to take precautions. It should not just be left up to the WOMAN to ensure that pregnancy is prevented.

I read in an earlier comment that he actually encouraged her to get a copper coil (IUD)?! So basically, he had no problem casually encouraging her to have this foreign object inserted into her body in order to prevent pregnancy, rather than simply having to risk having less pleasurable sex due to wearing a condom.

I am fine if the woman definitely doesn’t want a baby. I personally couldn’t have aborted other than in extremely rare circumstances/ like to save my life or similar - but I respect those who know they want to abort and prefer that or morning after to using a pill or other method. And yes the man risks woman changing her mind especially if he doesn’t know her well. 
 

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Why is this a blame game about whose responsibility contraception is when it was a mutually desirable drunken hookup? It's too late now. She wants to keep the preganacy and he doesn't want a family and she doesn't want  his involvement. She made the choice to keep it.

So this is simple. If she wants his involvement or requests child support for the child, a paternity test is in order first, then deciding if involvement is desired. Legally the child is entitled to support, but visitation/custody is voluntary.

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1 hour ago, Wonderstruck said:

Don't try your snarky responses with me. I'm not the one.

Also, I asked him an extremely fair question - if he knew that he had no desire to be a father, why did he put the onus entirely on the WOMAN to prevent pregnancy, even going so far as to encourage her to HAVE AN IUD INSERTED INSIDE OF HER BODY, while he can't even be bothered to wear condoms because, God forbid, they might make sex less pleasurable for him.

Also, in HIS VERY FIRST COMMENT IN THIS POST, he literally said "Don't hold back on saying what you think of me". So, I'm not holding back on saying what I think of him.

OK hang on, the woman actually literally did exactly the same thing as him. They are completely equal in this. And it looks like she knows she actually messed up because she told him she wants the baby by herself and he doesn't need to be involved. She actually said that to him. I think it's normal not to want a child with someone you basically don't know. Or maybe he doesn't even want kids. He messed up bad and the woman did just the same. That doesn't make him a huge monster.

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I am here for peoples opinions on both sides tbf and knew I’d get some abuse like this.

it definitely seems to be quite sexist some of the feedback, but again I expected that.

I had a discussion with her last night and asked if I had involvement how much and she said that would be up to me as in how much I’d want, not a decision for her. She was very blasé which makes me think been that she planned to do this alone she doesnt want me involved anyway.

At this point in time I’m edging towards paying maintenance for the child but not being in its life. I accept that friends and family will judge as I’m sure it won’t be a secret  but after calling a helpline here as I was almost suicidal they said something that stuck - you have to do what is right for you and make you “happy” “ Having a child like this won’t make me happy and being a father in a child I don’t wants life won’t be good for them either.

The 12 week scan is next week, so if all is well/dates add up then I will tell my mother about this nightmare and see what her opinion is. Of course she could offer advice that would change my mindset…

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