I have a date

[Batya33]

42 minutes ago, waffle said:

Oh, I agree with you.  I just can't believe we're on here telling women "make yourself attractive so men will want to see you again."  🙄

I am absolutely not saying that! She only should do it for herself and also understand that if she chooses to accept her body as it is and is comfortable with her body as it is, comfortable with any health risks -if there are any to her weight -everyone's body is different -then she should never ever change for a man. 

But she also should understand that she is decreasing her chances of being with men who prefer women to be a normal weight.  And many do.  I preferred to date men who were not overweight.

Sometimes for looks, sometimes for stuff in common (presuming that a more overweight woman might not be able to go running as much or be as athletic -it's an impression), sometimes for health concerns. 

Just like I would never tell a woman to get breast augmentation to increase her breast size and her chances of meeting men who prefer larger breasted women (I was not large, I didn't augment and some men declined to date me I'm sure but I was happy with my size so I didn't care at all if my choice decreased my dating pool.  Like I wouldn't date smokers - but no I would never tell a smoker to quit to make himself more attractive as a dating partner.  

That was not my point at all.  She should lose weight for herself and especially if it is increasing her health risks in any significant way -she wants to be a mom someday, after all.

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I'd like to add a different take to this...

I've seen couples who are around the same body weight and who both love food. They have this foodie/cooking interest in common and it brings them closer to each other.

So, from one side, I do think you can aim to be healthy and lose weight. But, don't forget to aim to a goal that makes you happy. You don't need to lose to weight to find a man. So, it would be a good idea to embrace who you are as in today and appreciate your unique look. Once you appreciate and enjoy yourself, potential partners will follow suit.

But she may need to lose weight to be able to conceive and carry a pregnancy without great risk, etc.  I know many foodies who are slim -doesn't have to go together at all.  

[Batya33]

52 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

End of the day I think the main thing is if you're happy in yourself or not and you're not happy Alex. And you're not very confident because you said: "I keep trying to think what turns people off about me". Why! You should be thinking you're great! You should be your own biggest cheerleader. 

To me the best way to be your own biggest cheerleader is self honesty and being really specific with yourself about strengths and weaknesses -I don't believe in telling my child in a generic sense "you're the best!!" "you're great!!"

-instead I will say "that's great that you chose to eat more apples than more chips" "that was thoughtful of you to ask me how I was feeling" "you were so polite to thank the officer for stopping the traffic so you could cross the street."  I do that for myself too - I notice if I do something positive, if I do the right thing when it's hard, if I make good food choices or health choices -

I don't see  the point in gushing all over myself at how great I am -it's not going to help me grow and doesn't give room for "ok you were harsh when you spoke that way and being tired is no excuse - next time I'll notice I'm tired/irritable and stay silent".  For example. I don't think people who want to make a positive lifestlye change get very far telling themselves regularly how great they are.  JMHO!

[Alex39]

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

End of the day I think the main thing is if you're happy in yourself or not and you're not happy Alex. And you're not very confident because you said: "I keep trying to think what turns people off about me". Why! You should be thinking you're great! You should be your own biggest cheerleader. 

I flip flop. I sit and think, jeez I'm a great catch, why can't someone see it? 

Then trying to figure out what was wrong with me. 

 

So I'm confident, then not, then I am. So I flio flop. 

 

[Tinydance]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

To me the best way to be your own biggest cheerleader is self honesty and being really specific with yourself about strengths and weaknesses -I don't believe in telling my child in a generic sense "you're the best!!" "you're great!!"

-instead I will say "that's great that you chose to eat more apples than more chips" "that was thoughtful of you to ask me how I was feeling" "you were so polite to thank the officer for stopping the traffic so you could cross the street."  I do that for myself too - I notice if I do something positive, if I do the right thing when it's hard, if I make good food choices or health choices -

I don't see  the point in gushing all over myself at how great I am -it's not going to help me grow and doesn't give room for "ok you were harsh when you spoke that way and being tired is no excuse - next time I'll notice I'm tired/irritable and stay silent".  For example. I don't think people who want to make a positive lifestlye change get very far telling themselves regularly how great they are.  JMHO!

Confidence is really important I think though. People who are more confident give off good vibes to people, they see their worth and make other people see it.

I'm not sure about other countries but here in Australia it's actually become quite common for women to do modelling who don't necessarily look like the old stereotype of what a model "should" look like. For example, on shopping websites and catalogues you now see plus size women. They're still very pretty but they are larger women. And what I also noticed is that they don't always only model plus size clothes but they just model normal clothes that are also available in that size. There is also a model I keep seeing a lot who is plus size and she also has the skin condition vitiligo. I'm not saying that every model is super confident. I know the modelling industry can be harsh and stressful. But obviously these women thought of themselves as beautiful and worthy of being a model and they went for it and did what they wanted.

I don't think telling yourself you're great means you're stuck up and think you're better than other people. It just means you like yourself.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, waffle said:

I just can't believe we're on here telling women "make yourself attractive so men will want to see you again."

I mean beauty and fashion industry has been telling that to women for years, Its literally why they make money lol

Also, yes, I am sorry but it wouldnt hurt. We as men are more visual creatures. So yes, she would have more admirerers if she would. Translated it to metric units so I could understand. She is a young woman. She has my moms height. And double her size. That is not good in any case. Primarily because of her health. High blood pressure, diabetes, you choose. Secondary because, yes, as she is currently on the dating market, her being more attractive would be in her own benefit. That is not to say that she cant like this, she had a date and I am sure many more to come. Just that her chances to get noticed would be way better. After that its more on her other qualities. I know very pretty skinny ladies with bad dating life. Nothing guarantees happiness. Just that she should start somewhere. Especially if she is not happy. And in situations where she bakes cookies and "stress eat". 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I flip flop. I sit and think, jeez I'm a great catch, why can't someone see it? 

Then trying to figure out what was wrong with me. 

 

So I'm confident, then not, then I am. So I flio flop. 

 

That's not flip flopping.  A person who is reasonably secure will have her moments but the foundation will be one of security and the perspective will be one of security.  You're not confident in a foundational sense - so your flip flopping is you feeling superficially confident based on a whim but it's not true confidence.  Like - I always love my son even when he annoys the crap out of me - and he knows that -he knows he has my love and he knows I'm not flip flopping even when I am frustrated with his behavior - my love is a constant.  Confidence is the same -it has to be a constant, your rock, and when you make a mistake or feel awful about something you might question your judgment but from a perspective of "I'm basically ok and I'm someone who is a good person who made a bad choice -not in the sense you do where you basically throw the baby out with the bath water 

Also thinking "I'm a great catch why can't someone see that" isn't a self-confident statement-it's some exaggerated notion of how you're so great and therefore you should be snapped up because you believe you're so great.  It's not an honest, self-reflective statement. 

You have this sort of list you think makes you a great catch -a package deal -as opposed to "I have some really good qualities and when I meet new people I'm going to do my best to be a person who is comfortable in her own skin and desires that other people feel comfortable around me.  If I do that I'm more likely to click with someone." 

[Tinydance]

So I just want to give this as an example. This young woman is actually very pretty but she's not slim by any means and has a very visible skin condition. You can see in the photo too she had visible stretch marks. But obviously this woman thinks of herself as attractive, she poses confidently and shows her body in underwear. If she just hated o  herself for her looks then she wouldn't be where she is now. She seems very popular here in Australia now as a model, I keep seeing her everywhere.

https://www.bodyandsoul.com.au/lifestyle/one-to-watch-onella-muralidharan-on-the-changing-face-of-beauty/news-story/40ae0b9ae0c8849903eeb46bf407c060

https://www.bonds.com.au/organics-ribbed-triangle-wtgd-bac.html

[mylolita]

Alex!

 

Hunny! You gotta pick yourself up girl!

 

You can’t be having these talks with yourself! So the bum didn’t contact you back? Don’t go chasing nothing! Not unless you want too!

 

Life is happening now! Life is short. Anything can happen. We have to live now. Not “in the future when all is well”, not “when I’ve lost this much weight and look like a Victoria Secrets Model THEN I will be happy!” not “when I get my dream job and plenty of money and my perfect house” - none of it!

 

The best time is RIGHT NOW! Right now, just as you are, you are someone’s everything. But you have to like yourself. There is no use hating on yourself. If you need to do something to make yourself feel better - exercising, dieting, getting a hair appointment - I am definitely not against it! But life is happening now! Go on the dates you want now! You are worthy - now! 
 

Life shouldn’t be this serious for a foot loose and single fancy free girl! And this is coming from me, who agonises over silly things and regrets it years later!

 

I spent years of my life anorexic, telling myself if I kept under 7 stone I would look “better”. Ironically, 15 years later, my husband admits to me he prefers me now, 2 stone heavier. 
 

Most men, most hot blooded men, see women, and they focus on things they like, they don’t search out the negatives. That’s a woman’s brain talking. Straight men see a curvy girl and they think oh, nice boobs! They are a skinny girl and they say ooo, model-esq! I know this from working as a lap dancer and just being around thousands of guys over 3 years. Normal, average blokes are not critiquing you. Women do that to other women and themselves. 
 

We always think worse of ourselves!

 

x

[boltnrun]

Being overweight and being an awesome person aren't mutually exclusive. There are a LOT of absolutely wonderful people who are either too heavy or too thin. Weight has nothing to do with character, morals, honesty, intelligence or integrity.

And to give you a different perspective, a number of years ago I was very, very sick. I came close to dying (within 36 hours according to my doctor). I was unable to eat any regular food. Everything I ate had to be put in a blender and liquidized. As a result my weight went down to under 100 pounds. My normal weight at the time was about 125. I had to shop at Kids R Us because a size zero fell down on me. And I felt awful too because I was so sick.

So me and a friend of mine went to visit the mother of another friend of ours who we considered to be our good friend. She took one look at me and said "What the hell are you doing? You look terrible! Look at you, you lost your butt and your boobs! Why are you so skinny?? Why are you doing this to yourself??" And I burst into tears. I can't even describe how horrible that woman, who was SUPPOSED to be my friend, made me feel. I guess she thought I'd dieted down to 98 pounds to try to look good or something. I still remember how she made me feel. It really hurt. She was a bigger woman and was always making snide comments about slim women, presuming they either had eating disorders or were trying to look good for men. But it hurt that she immediately jumped to I was being vain instead of terribly sick.

So yeah, skinny isn't always healthy either. My goal now is to be as fit and healthy as possible. And to treat my body as though I want it to last a while. Food is fuel. Yes, we can enjoy it too, Lord knows I do, but healthy food is delicious too. And if we put junk into our bodies how can we possibly expect to feel good? Eating junk affects not only your physical body but your mental health too. We can't operate well on junky, dirty fuel.

So being physically and mentally healthy would just add to your already awesome qualities. It's a win-win.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So yeah, skinny isn't always healthy either. My goal now is to be as fit and healthy as possible. And to treat my body as though I want it to last a while. Food is fuel. Yes, we can enjoy it too, Lord knows I do, but healthy food is delicious too. And if we put junk into our bodies how can we possibly expect to feel good? Eating junk affects not only your physical body but your mental health too. We can't operate well on junky, dirty fuel.

So being physically and mentally healthy would just add to your already awesome qualities. It's a win-win.

So you and I are similar ages.  I do eat junk in moderation. One reason is because I spent years overdoing it with dieting and made myself ill and so I won't deprive myself entirely of sweets/junk food -but in moderation for sure.  I am thin and have been skinny/thin and/or slim all my life with rare exception.  But at my age I have your mindset too.  It's about getting older and facing that sense of now or never -I take care of myself now or I'm not going to get to grow old/watch my kids grow, etc. I've had a few health scares too and I am so very sorry you did.  It did give me a certain mindset and perspective though.  

I don't eat to live as much as I live to eat - and you can love food -I do- be a foodie -I am - enjoy cooking/baking -I do theoretically except I don't do too much of it these days - and be fit and a normal/healthy weight whatever that may be for your body type.  

[boltnrun]

I don't completely avoid junk food, but then I don't get to complain when I eat a Hostess cupcake or a bag of Lays and feel lousy or get a giant zit afterward. I did it to myself.

I don't eat at McDonald's anymore but years ago when I did eat a sausage McMuffin with egg I always felt absolutely awful after. And the bathroom consequences weren't fun either!

[Batya33]

30 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't completely avoid junk food, but then I don't get to complain when I eat a Hostess cupcake or a bag of Lays and feel lousy or get a giant zit afterward. I did it to myself.

I don't eat at McDonald's anymore but years ago when I did eat a sausage McMuffin with egg I always felt absolutely awful after. And the bathroom consequences weren't fun either!

Yes- and I can't eat deep fried food or doughnuts/pie/croissants -that sort of fried/greasy food doesn't sit well with me so I get it.  I think the point is - you can love food, as we do, be a foodie, enjoy cooking and preparing food -and be a healthy weight and healthy overall.  I'm so glad you were able to make those changes because you seem so pleased with getting to that place of prioritizing your health! It's not an easy road and often not a straight one depending on life obstacles, etc.

[boltnrun]

Nothing like having the priest come in to your hospital room to give you a final blessing or being told you had been 36 hours from dying to give you a new appreciation for life! And those were two separate instances, not the same one.

And life should be enjoyed. That's why if we can do anything to give ourselves a chance to live healthier and happier I hope we'd all choose to do it. And give ourselves a break! We're not perfect and that's OK.

[lostandhurt]

I know you are not okay with your current weight and would like to get back down to where you felt good both physically and mentally.  This has to start by doing more than saying the words.  It takes action and concrete steps in the direction of your goal.

Have you read boltrun's signature?

When you change nothing, nothing changes.

Do, or do not.  There is no "try".  ~Yoda

I do have a question for you Alex.  Would you date a guy that is in the same physical shape as you are?

Attraction is a very individual thing. We all have our types and the look that seems to always catch our eye so there is no right or wrong answer. 

 It seems like you want to change your lifestyle so you can have a happy and healthy life but I just don't think adding a boyfriend to your life will bring you all the things you want, it might hinder your goals.

Do you have goals other than falling in love?

  When I read your words I thought of the chicken and the egg. You said you were 30 pounds lighter in your FB photos.  What happened between then and now.  I guess the question is: Do you feel this way because you gained 30 pounds or did you feel this way and it lead you to gain 30 pounds?

   Lost

[MissCanuck]

Alex, this is not just about the number on your scale or poor nutrition habits.  

If you want to get healthy physically, you also need to get healthy emotionally. You can have all the best nutrition advice and body-positive motivation in the world, but you first need to tackle the underlying emotional coping mechanisms that have you turning to food for comfort. 

The stress, the lack of confidence, the unhealthy codependent situation with your mother - these are what need attention the most. Without properly getting at the root of the problems, you will remain in a battle with your body as well. 

[DarkCh0c0]

7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

But she may need to lose weight to be able to conceive and carry a pregnancy without great risk, etc.  I know many foodies who are slim -doesn't have to go together at all. 

The foodies who are slim aren't THAT MUCH of foodies (at least those that fit my definition of foodies).

But that's beside my point.

My point was, she needs to pick a goal that makes her feel healthy, happy and secure in her own skin- not one that is just based off what we think some men would like.

[mylolita]

4 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

The foodies who are slim aren't THAT MUCH of foodies.

But that's beside my point.

My point was, she needs to pick a goal that makes her feel healthy, happy and secure in her own skin- not one that is just based off what we think some men would like.

What‘s the saying? Never trust a skinny cook? 😉

 

I joke! 🤪

 

Yes! If you want to lose weight, you can lose weight, but it’s not going to happen tomorrow or even next year, depending on how much you want to realistically lose. You have to try and be content now, and find things to love and be happy with now, so you can live your life! 
 

I wrestle with this concept of perfection and “when everything is sorted and right” all the time! It can happen with weight or any other kind of, life goal you want to achieve. I have been putting off celebrating and inviting people over for my youngest daughters 1st Birthday because we just moved into our new house and it’s a renovation building site. But I can’t do it forever or we’ll miss it totally; and it’s now nearly my second daughters 3rd Birthday! I need to let go of the “perfect” thinking, or, I’ll do it when things are “perfect”! 
 

I had the same feelings towards my weight when I was anorexic (I have a feeling anorexic thinking never actually leaves a person once taken hold, you just learn to manage the impulses and thinking). But I was never skinny enough. I used to life model for artists and people who would sculpt and before a job, even though they had accepted me just as I was then, I would eat hardly anything for a week. It’s like that with models in the catwalk world. I knew a guy who used to walk the runway for Dior - a week before the show, already rail thin, he would party and survive on cigarettes, coffee and cocaine, and the little weight he had left would drop off giving that “heroin gaunt snappable look”. 
 

No one is hardly ever content with their weight, health, financial situation - many things. We always look ahead and want more, most of the time, or tell ourselves we can do better.

 

Alex! This guy asked you on a date just as you are, right now! Take it at face value that he obviously found you attractive - he wouldn’t have spent money on a dinner on a whim. It didn’t go anywhere but that’s okay! You got the date! It takes a lot for a guy to ask a gal out! You should feel good about yourself! 
 

It’s hard - we all struggle with self doubt. I know it’s corny, but you can be happy right now and not in the future when all these things are ticked off your list! We almost have to say to ourselves, let it go, let yourself be happy now! Make the best of now! Not easy at all, but doable. The people who are happiest and most grateful live in the moment!

 

x

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Alex39 said:

, jeez I'm a great catch, why can't someone see it? 

 

This isn't about being a catch or not. It's about you're unhappy on so many levels and won't help yourself. You don't think you're a great catch and people pick up on that.

Your therapist for example told you to avoid your mother because she's so toxic, but you won't do that.

You're not happy with your weight,it doesn't matter what is stylish or attractive blah blah. What matters is it depresses you further.

You're not happy with your lifestyle, you want a partner and it's not happening. 

Yet you refuse to get some tests done to see what's going on health wise with you and you refuse to treat the anxiety depression or binge eating disorder. 

This has zero to do with being a foodie or loving food. You claim you eat to regulate your stress anxiety and moods. Whole different thing.

Perhaps you'll have to hit rock bottom before you turn things around and get the help you need. Many people who use something compulsively to regulate feelings and emotions do.

Maybe your first doctors visit will be in the ER with diabetes or a heart attack. So while you don't like going to doctors for preventative care,you may end up going for emergency care.

You very well know about health and math. You know about weight loss solutions. You know about weight control support group and nutrition plans.

All the advice in the world won't help someone who doesn't want it. 

This has nothing to do with vanity or a BF. It has to with unhappiness.  In fact someone with a "perfect" body but a morbidly depressed mentality like this would have just as much difficulty attracting anyone.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

The foodies who are slim aren't THAT MUCH of foodies (at least those that fit my definition of foodies).

But that's beside my point.

My point was, she needs to pick a goal that makes her feel healthy, happy and secure in her own skin- not one that is just based off what we think some men would like.

I disagree completely with your first comment and of course have written many times that I agree with your second.  At the same time the reality is -at least in the major city I dated for over 20 years - women who are overweight in general have a harder time dating for serious relationships (especially at her age).  And at the same time she should not lose weight because of this reality just like someone who smokes shouldn't stop smoking because more men would want to date that person. I agree with you -that would make no sense.

[gamon]

12 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I flip flop. I sit and think, jeez I'm a great catch, why can't someone see it? 

Your stated weight puts you completely off the charts somewhere in the "extremely morbidly obese" range. Most men would not consider you to be a great catch or even a fair catch, and this is the main reason you're not in a relationship. You've chosen baking and eating and a sedentary lifestyle over making yourself fit and attractive to a potential dating partner. The good news is, you can do something about it.

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, gamon said:

Your stated weight puts you completely off the charts somewhere in the "extremely morbidly obese" range. Most men would not consider you to be a great catch or even a fair catch, and this is the main reason you're not in a relationship. You've chosen baking and eating and a sedentary lifestyle over making yourself fit and attractive to a potential dating partner. The good news is, you can do something about it.

Wow that's really harsh. 

[gamon]

22 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Wow that's really harsh. 

Is it? My apologies if feelings are hurt. I tend to be rather direct, rather than going the whole "Emperors new clothes" route. Here we have a woman living a very unhealthy lifestyle, alone and lonely and wondering why. She's got a lot of denial going about her weight and I'm thinking the help she really needs is a wakeup call so she'll get motivated to doing something about it. This isn't one of those situations where you can just say "stay the course, everything will be ok, there are guys out there for you just be patient".

 

[Rose Mosse]

I think you need to see your doctor and gain more support if you’re to change your lifestyle. Some people can change or quit cold turkey and some need more support. I’m referring to baking and consumption of food. Someone I know loves to bake as well but makes sure she gives away 80-90% of the food/desserts she makes. I was married to a fine dining chef who was once overweight and is around food daily in a kitchen 12 hours a day, with access to some of the best ingredients. He lost that weight before we met but it was a gruelling and complete metamorphosis in lifestyle change. To stick with it is challenging. I don’t struggle with weight but I saw him struggle still daily and his body image affects him a lot. I know he saw his doctor regularly for check ups. You may be in denial about your weight. Posting older photos online is generally a huge no no where it concerns dating.

I agree with the previous comments about being good to yourself, strict and also loving with yourself and find support from professionals. Many have walked down this path. I wouldn’t worry about dating until you begin to feel good and confident about who you are.

[boltnrun]

I agree with @MissCanuck

If you don't address the underlying reasons why you overeat and are depressed, weight loss could still happen but it won't last. I even know people who had weight loss surgery but they gained weight back because they didn't get to the root cause of why they overate to begin with (news flash, it wasn't because they were hungry!)

However, that doesn't mean you can't start implementing healthy lifestyle changes right away. Going on a daily walk, increasing water consumption and no longer buying unhealthy food are all things you can start immediately.

But please do see your doctor. And don't be afraid to ask for emotional support. I am actively seeing a psychologist and I am not ashamed.