I have a date

[Tinydance]

Hmmmm... well I don't mean to scare you but I have had some bad experiences with just random guys who messaged me on social media. I mean, usually people don't just message people they don't know on Facebook like a stab in the dark. So I think yes there is potential they might be weird.

Although I think if you were posting in Facebook hobby or themed groups and he was commenting on your post, that's a bit different. For example, one of my friends is Jewish and he was in this Jewish social group on Facebook. He met his wife there because she just commented on some of his posts. At first she was a complete stranger to him but they got to know each other through that Facebook group.

I think there is a difference between some guy just messaging you totally randomly on Facebook, like: "Hey sexy", and if you were posting in themed groups and the guy was replying to your posts. There are actually Facebook groups or pages where the purpose actually is to meet other people. So I think the context matters.

I guess if it's really important to you to date a non smoker, you could ask him if he smokes. I mean, if it's a deal breaker to you and he does smoke, why waste his or your time? 

Other than that I think if you just follow the same precautions as if you met someone at a bar or online dating, you should be fine. Just meet in public, don't get in his car or go to his place. Tell your friends where you'll be and show them the guy's Facebook profile. I think it's no different really to meeting any total stranger anywhere and then deciding to go on a date with them.

Also if you're not into him or vice versa, well that's just a normal part of dating. You just need to give people a chance and see how it goes. It's OK if it doesn't go anywhere. Not everyone is "the one". You just need to keep putting yourself out there and keep looking.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think your weight gain would be an issue if this was a dating site.

There is such a thing now as FB dating and this is, supposedly, a date. Often now social media is replacing traditional dating apps. In fact the term is "sliding into DMs". However if this is just 2 friends meeting for coffee, that's something quite different.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

There is such a thing now as FB dating and this is, supposedly, a date. Often now social media is replacing traditional dating apps. In fact the term is "sliding into DMs". However if this is just 2 friends meeting for coffee, that's something quite different.

Yes I think I heard of that. I think this sounds different from what she described.  

[Blue_Skirt]

16 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I'm nervous. My Facebook photos, I was a good 30 pounds lighter and skinnier in them 

Alex, the photos are out there, so there is nothing you can change about it at this very moment.

But you change the way you think about yourself. So for tonight, don’t think about the 30 pounds extra, but simply think that there is MORE of you than on the photos. And if you want to lose weight, and you are successful at it, well, then there is still you, but in concentrated form, both versions are good.

Have fun tonight, relax, stay safe, be yourself!

[jul-els]

He’s not the wrong or right person, he’s just someone you’re going to meet for the first time. Once you’ve met, you can know if he’s someone you want to keep talking to. Don’t get ahead of yourself, just go meet him and see what you think. It would be nice if it goes well, but if it doesn’t, you’ve lost nothing other than a very small amount of your time. 

[Batya33]

16 hours ago, Blue_Skirt said:

Alex, the photos are out there, so there is nothing you can change about it at this very moment.

But you change the way you think about yourself. So for tonight, don’t think about the 30 pounds extra, but simply think that there is MORE of you than on the photos. And if you want to lose weight, and you are successful at it, well, then there is still you, but in concentrated form, both versions are good.

Have fun tonight, relax, stay safe, be yourself!

I think it's fine to be 30 pounds overweight if the person is healthy and fit and is happy with being overweight.  She is not happy with it so that piece is missing IMO.  I do know of many people who feel mislead via dating sites with inaccurate photos particularly about significant weight differences (and to an extent - baldness and lying about height).  But this is FAcebook and if he wanted more current photos he could have asked I suppose.  The last thing I ever wanted to do given how awkward a first meet can do is surprise the person with my looks so I had accurate photos and listed my height and weight within 2-3 pounds since typically people wouldn't know to the pound. 

Alex if you will feel more of yourself if you lose the weight or partly then make that a goal and find the best way to do that in a reasonable way for yourself.  If you love having more of your body, more power to you! Find someone who feels the same.  

[Alex39]

So the date went well. I acted confident and myself. He seemed very nervous, or that was my impression. He talked a lot. Didn't ask too much about me. He did say that he prepared all of these questions in his head to ask me and that now he lost all of them. It seemed cute, that maybe he was nervous. He took me to a really nice restaurant. We had a drink, ate, and it was pleasant. 

He said that we should do it again.  I agreed and mentioned maybe we could do an activity next time. 

I texted him thanking him for the dinner when I got home. Thought that was proper, because he paid. 

He then said he had a good time and we should do it again. I said yes, and I'd like to. Haven't heard from him since. 

If he does want to hangout again great, if not, he's not the right man for me. 

I'm trying to lose weight. It's so hard. But I keep at it. 

[Batya33]

Sounds like a great first date and hopefully he’ll call soon to confirm a second date!

losing - even maintaining - weight is hard !  

[Alex39]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Sounds like a great first date and hopefully he’ll call soon to confirm a second date!

losing - even maintaining - weight is hard !  

Is it a bad sign? He used to message me every day. Not today, nothing. And he's posting on social media that he's out golfing with friends. So he's just busy? 

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Is it a bad sign? He used to message me every day. Not today, nothing. And he's posting on social media that he's out golfing with friends. So he's just busy? 

Alex...calm down.

You remind me of that other Alex who posted on here. She already had every guy she met pegged as her new boyfriend and was deeply disappointed if they weren't instantly wanting to declare their love and commitment and ask her to be their girlfriend immediately after meeting her. Solid relationships that last do not happen that way. Will you hear stories of "we just knew from the very first minute"? Yes, of course, but most of the time those people are talking about it years later so time has blurred the memory.

But you gotta give this guy a minute, please. A month ago you didn't even know he existed. You went on ONE date so you can't even know yet if you'd want him as a boyfriend.

And yes, any person worth a darn will have a life outside of messaging on Facebook. Isn't it good he's out golfing with friends? I doubt you want a boring guy who does nothing all day but sit on the internet.

Relax. It's a holiday weekend in the US so lots of people have plans. Give it until mid week next week and if you don't hear from him, call him with a date idea. No wishy washy text saying "hi, would you maybe want to see me? It's OK if you don't" but something like "Hey, hope you had a good holiday weekend. I know about this great Mexican place. How does nachos and a couple of beers on Thursday sound?"

[Batya33]

I agree but I wouldn't call him as you already texted him and you told him on the date you'd be interested in getting together again. Let him follow up.  I'm glad he didn't text today - he's busy, he apparently likes to golf and be with his friends -all good.  And if he has another date this weekend that's his perogative -and yours!  If you don't hear from him by mid-next week after the holiday weekend I'd simply assume he changed his mind.  People do that sometimes. Until then carry on and que sera sera.

[boltnrun]

I don't know why it's up to the man to follow up. Why can't you? And if he says no, well, that's OK. There are literally millions of other men out there.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

I don't know why it's up to the man to follow up. Why can't you? And if he says no, well, that's OK. There are literally millions of other men out there.

It's not.  In this case it is.  She already said yes in general so ball is in his court to confirm time/place plus he hasn't responded to her text.  I'd say the same whatever the gender.  And yes -I do have a slight default to the man in an all else equal way -she expressed interest in seeing him again -he knows she will say yes, and a reliable person who doesn't change his mind will follow up to confirm day/time/place.

[boltnrun]

I have a different opinion, but that's OK.

Alex will determine what works best for her.

[Batya33]

Just now, boltnrun said:

I have a different opinion, but that's OK.

Alex will determine what works best for her.

Of course it is! I haven't dated since 2005 and if I were going with all else equal -back then (and seems not to have changed that much) it's much more effective for a woman to show lots of interest and also let the man do more of the asking out in the beginning if the woman is looking for something serious.  Unless she prefers a relationship where she has far more control in every way and enjoys being with a man who sort of is chill and goes along for the ride.  Some women may like that.  But none of that is relevant to me here -I was responding to the specific situation.  Would have given Alex the same exact feedback if she were a man and he were a she.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

Is it a bad sign? He used to message me every day. Not today, nothing. And he's posting on social media that he's out golfing with friends. So he's just busy? 

Eh, so so. I dont believe in "busy", if he could message every day, he can now too. OK, maybe he had a day with his friends. But if he doesnt contact soon, yes, you can be worried something is off.

Good news is that you had a nice date. That is all there is to it for now. Now let him follow up on his words and schedule next. If he really wants to see you, that wont be an issue.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

He then said he had a good time and we should do it again. I said yes, and I'd like to

Relax. He has a life. Let things process. He wants to see you again so believe it. Texting is not dating. Dating is dating so focus on what he said about doing it again. Suggest playing minigolf, let him show off a little. You'll have fun.

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Eh, so so. I dont believe in "busy", if he could message every day, he can now too. OK, maybe he had a day with his friends. But if he doesnt contact soon, yes, you can be worried something is off.

Good news is that you had a nice date. That is all there is to it for now. Now let him follow up on his words and schedule next. If he really wants to see you, that wont be an issue.

I think it's different when a holiday weekend is coming up as far as contacting -people are all off schedule -he already told her he'd like to see her again so maybe he doesn't wish to be overeager.

[lostandhurt]

Breathe.

 Go back a page and read your thoughts and then think how it actually went.   Our minds are our worst enemy with things like this.  So many scenarios, so many things could go wrong blah blah blah. 

 You did great and had a nice evening with a guy. One step at a time because you know what happens when you try and skip steps?  You fall on your face.

  I can tell you that the contact leading up to a first meet is often more than it is after.  You didn't know anything about each other, it was exciting and new and lots to share but after reality is right there with you both.  Time to reflect and think about it all and yes even hang out with  friends and tell them all about the person and the date.

  He has buddies telling him not to seem to eager and play it cool so you don't think you have him in the palm of your hand and can jerk him around and others are telling him to be mysterious so you keep thinking about him while his buddies gf's are asking when he is going to text you for another date.

 These are all games but they get played.  The only good thing about these games is it stretches things out so you have time to think about it all and decide instead of rushing into something with the excitement and lust running the show.

 Answer these questions for us please:

1 Do find him attractive?

2 Do think he is interesting?

3 Is he easy to have a conversation with?

4 Is he a gentleman?

5 Did he treat you with respect?

6 Did he treat others around you with respect?

I am glad it went well and as far as losing weight goes it can be done but changes in your life have to be made.  Not huge changes but changes just the same. Here is an easy change.  If possible go for a walk after dinner every day. Pretty simple right?  It works so give  it a try.

 Lost

[Alex39]

53 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Breathe.

 Go back a page and read your thoughts and then think how it actually went.   Our minds are our worst enemy with things like this.  So many scenarios, so many things could go wrong blah blah blah. 

 You did great and had a nice evening with a guy. One step at a time because you know what happens when you try and skip steps?  You fall on your face.

  I can tell you that the contact leading up to a first meet is often more than it is after.  You didn't know anything about each other, it was exciting and new and lots to share but after reality is right there with you both.  Time to reflect and think about it all and yes even hang out with  friends and tell them all about the person and the date.

  He has buddies telling him not to seem to eager and play it cool so you don't think you have him in the palm of your hand and can jerk him around and others are telling him to be mysterious so you keep thinking about him while his buddies gf's are asking when he is going to text you for another date.

 These are all games but they get played.  The only good thing about these games is it stretches things out so you have time to think about it all and decide instead of rushing into something with the excitement and lust running the show.

 Answer these questions for us please:

1 Do find him attractive?

2 Do think he is interesting?

3 Is he easy to have a conversation with?

4 Is he a gentleman?

5 Did he treat you with respect?

6 Did he treat others around you with respect?

I am glad it went well and as far as losing weight goes it can be done but changes in your life have to be made.  Not huge changes but changes just the same. Here is an easy change.  If possible go for a walk after dinner every day. Pretty simple right?  It works so give  it a try.

 Lost

Thanks for this good advice. You definitely could be right. I remember a guy I was seeing a while back was told by other guys to not contact me for days. Don't seem too eager. And he said his mom and sister chastised him over it. This guy from last night doesn't have a mom or sister. 

1. I did find him attractive. He was tall. Not perfectly sculpted, but not fat or anything. He was cuter than I expected.

2. I thought he was moderately interesting. I thought he seemed kind. I was a little weirded out by two things, but I attributed them to him maybe being nervous. He didn't ask me lots of questions and kind of rambled on about himself a bit too much and he didn't seem all that interested in what I was saying, though he said he was, so I took him for his word. He said he prepared all these questions to ask me, but totally lost all of them. Kind of seemed like his brain turned to mush when he met me or something. He also had weird eye contact. He almost had a slight bit of crazy eyes. Like they would go back and forth a bit too much scanning. Whereas I was looking at him more steadily. I thought we seemed to have a lot in common. Not exactly hobbies, but lifestyle. We both live alone and I felt he and I had similar everyday lifestyles, how we live, treat our homes, cook, workout, etc. I found that refreshing. I used to always look at hobbies, but I find lifestyle is more important. 

3. We conversed easily. But he seemed nervous to me. So there wasn't too much flirty banter. There wasn't none, but I've had more on a first date. It was pleasant though. I very much go off of other people's vibe. If the person is teasing, I can tease back. If the person is quiet, typically I'm more quiet. I felt I acted like myself, but knew when to listen too and joked a bit here and there, but it was light. I didn't at all get the vibe that he was trying to hookup or anything. That was nice too. Flirting is good. But the guys that just flirt typically just want to hookup. 

 

4,5 and 6. Yes I thought he was a gentleman. He insisted on paying for the date. It was a very expensive nice restaurant and I offered to split, but he said no. I thought he was sweet, respectful, kind, treated the wait staff well. 

[Batya33]

Sounds like it's more than worth a second date!  I don't think I've ever noticed if any person let alone someone I was meeting for a date was "perfectly sculpted" -what does that even mean? Would it be a positive to you if a man had a body that to you was "perfectly sculpted?" Would that increase your physical attraction?

[greendots]

24 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I used to always look at hobbies, but I find lifestyle is more important. 

A compatible lifestyle is definitely more important. Glad to read that your date went well! Surely he'll contact you soon. Even if he takes longer to reply than usual, a positive attitude is everything. Debbie Downers are an immediate turn-off.

So awesome to hear that he was a gentleman, respectful, kind and treated the wait staff well!

[Alex39]

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Sounds like it's more than worth a second date!  I don't think I've ever noticed if any person let alone someone I was meeting for a date was "perfectly sculpted" -what does that even mean? Would it be a positive to you if a man had a body that to you was "perfectly sculpted?" Would that increase your physical attraction?

No no, I just meant he wasn't overly muscular, but he wasn't obese. 

[boltnrun]

He was probably nervous.

IMO, much more attractive than an overly confident bro type.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

No no, I just meant he wasn't overly muscular, but he wasn't obese. 

So - real question -do you want your body scrutinized on a first date to that extent? Kind of... picked apart in that way? It's ironic how you were so anxious that he might notice you were heavier than your Facebook photo and yet you focused on his body type to the extent that you could analyze whether he was "perfectly sculpted" or not.