Ruin her world?

[Conf79]

My boyfriend of 13 years cheated with a co worker and although I left him we got back together and tried to work things out, however he still worked with her up until a few months ago and did not tell me she had left. I told him before when she quit or he quit I was telling her now husband what they did. No one knows on her side at all of the affair.  I feel like she thinks she won in this situation, and I confronted him on why he didn't tell me she quit, he said that things were going great and didn't want to bring any of that up. He knows my anxiety regarding him working with her and that was a big hurdle, we weren't at a good place for him to up and quit either. So now I'm at the final point of closure in my opinion, I want to tell her husband it's not fair at all she got out of this clean, I know it's probably better to just leave it alone but there is a part of me that wants to ruin her life.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Conf79 said:

we got back together and tried to work things out, however he still worked with her up until a few months ago and did not tell me she had left. I want to tell her husband it's not fair at all she got out of this clean

Sorry this is going on. Your BF is still secretive and that is not his lover's or her husband's fault. You could tell her husband out of spite, but that won't make your BF an honest man. 

 

[Kwothe28]

5 minutes ago, Conf79 said:

I want to tell her husband it's not fair at all she got out of this clean

I always looked at it from other angle. They all get consequences of their own action sooner or later. So you intervening, getting your hands dirty, bringing someone marriage down maybe, there is no need for that. I learned that they all get their own sooner or later.

15 minutes ago, Conf79 said:

I know it's probably better to just leave it alone but there is a part of me that wants to ruin her life.

Again, why? Are you that spiteful? To do something bad? To bring somebody marriage down? Sure, she maybe does deserves it. But what would you deserve then for ruining her life and marriage? "Do nothing to others what you wouldnt want on yourself". Its a saying we have here.

So, leave it alone. Work on your own marriage and problems. You are blaming her. While your boyfriend is just as guilty and more. 

[boltnrun]

You'd be "ruining" her husband's world, not hers.

What do you believe the husband did to deserve his world being "ruined"?

[Rose Mosse]

32 minutes ago, Conf79 said:

My boyfriend of 13 years cheated with a co worker and although I left him we got back together and tried to work things out, however he still worked with her up until a few months ago and did not tell me she had left. I told him before when she quit or he quit I was telling her now husband what they did. No one knows on her side at all of the affair.  I feel like she thinks she won in this situation, and I confronted him on why he didn't tell me she quit, he said that things were going great and didn't want to bring any of that up. He knows my anxiety regarding him working with her and that was a big hurdle, we weren't at a good place for him to up and quit either. So now I'm at the final point of closure in my opinion, I want to tell her husband it's not fair at all she got out of this clean, I know it's probably better to just leave it alone but there is a part of me that wants to ruin her life.

No, just decide if you still want your boyfriend. Don’t worry about the husband. 

Your boyfriend is the problem and the distrust and resentment borne from the affair. 

[bluecastle]

Hope the above advice resonates, and helps you step away from this vindictive approach. It’s understandable—you’re hurt, you’re angry—but the issue here is your boyfriend. I’d try to reroute this energy toward figuring out if you genuinely think you can be happy with him moving forward. 

[HeartGoesOn]

I'd hold my head high and refuse to stoop to their level.  When all is said and done, there's a good chance you could earn the title of "shoot the messenger." A different way to look at this is, sooner or later they'll both have to pay to the piper, along with given enough rope where they'll hang themselves.

Although this was not your question, but where do you see your relationship going in the long term?

 

 

[SooSad33]

You know that saying.. don't act in anger or.. don't do something you're going to regret - so yeah, isn't that just out of anger?  Then I suggest you leave that alone now.

IF she is a type of cheater, he'll come to learn of it eventually... but this is not your problem anymore, right?  

Focus and work now what you've got going on at home, with the hubby.

Have you two considered couple's therapy - to help you along?  or just you even?

Make sure you've got someone you feel you can be yourself ( vent to), Also journaling is helpful - to 'get it out another way'.. say all you want there.  I am sure you're still quite affected at this time?  So yeah, you've got a ways to go 😕 ... Just sucks, all of it, I know.

 

[waffle]

1 hour ago, Conf79 said:

No one knows on her side at all of the affair.  

How do you know this?  Is someone from "your side" still in contact with her and her people?

[Cherylyn]

It is human nature to want to retaliate.  However, think before you actually act upon it.  From my experience, whenever I was impulsive, I sorely regretted it later for many years to come.  Often times I've asked myself, "Was it worth it?"  The majority of time, the answer was a resounding, "NO."  I wished I was mature enough to know what I know now. 

Karma is a _______.  What goes around comes around eventually.  It won't be on your time.  For the other woman, let life and her marriage be her own undoing one day.  It may not be anytime soon but eventually something ugly emerges when you least expect it.  That's how life is whenever people don't play by the rules of human decency.  It will catch up with them sooner or later.  You just don't know when. 

I agree with you.  A lot of people get away with despicable acts all the time.  They will face their own demons someday and they're the ones who have to live with it deep within their soul which is their own torment and torch to bear. 

I can't get into your boyfriend's head.  Perhaps he figured that since she left the workplace, there was no need to constantly dredge up bad memories for you.  Perhaps he didn't want to fuel a new argument all over again.  Sometimes broaching subjects will lead to unnecessary fighting and maybe he wanted to avoid a risky dialogue with you given your understandable rage, bitterness and resentment.  He wants to move on so let him as you do the same. 

I wouldn't fight over this.  I would just tell your boyfriend that you were disappointed that he didn't inform you that she quit.  Ensure that you won't continue to rehash this topic again otherwise be prepared for angry backlash.  He wants to put it to rest so follow his cue and put the past behind both of you.  There's no sense arguing.  Keep the peace by looking ahead, not backwards. 

I know you want to ruin her life.  Believe me, she won't get away with it forever.  Her husband will discover her true colors so just give it time. 

The best 'revenge' is to live happily ever after.  Don't allow other people to consume and occupy your precious brain space.  Get busy, distracted, do what you enjoy, become industrious and then you'll feel too fatigued to care.  Give you and your husband time to heal and move forward with positive thoughts and realistic hope for the future.  Don't stew because it will only cause your blood pressure to rise and it's unhealthy.  Start anew.  Pray for strength and wisdom and you'll receive it. 

Be wise.  When you are wise, you'll wake up tomorrow, look at yourself in the mirror while feeling thankful and grateful that you took the higher road and controlled yourself with class and aplomb.

 

[Lambert]

I agree with the others.  And will add that doing this will not give you closure.

It will stir everything back up again. It will put the other woman and your boyfriend on the same side again.  you and her husband on the other. 

2 hours ago, Conf79 said:

 I feel like she thinks she won in this situation, and I confronted him on why he didn't tell me she quit, he said that things were going great and didn't want to bring any of that up. He knows my anxiety 

This is the real issue. he cheated and you feel betrayed, like the loser and here he goes again, not telling you something.

Do you really want to be with this guy? It's hard to move on from infidelity. I don't think the level of love and trust ever comes back. 

Was everything 'so' good between you?  Do you really believe him? Did you say you forgive him eventhough you didn't really? 

You're still hurting from this and I think that's where your focus should be.  Forget her! cheating skank. she probably is cheating on her hubs still. let her live her fake life.

You take care of you. Take some time to feel how you feel and determine what you need in your life. It's never too late to change your mind. 

 

[Cherylyn]

I agree with Lambert.  Trust is dead. 

Some couples can recover if there's sincere remorse and permanent changed behavior.  My husband's cousin and her husband are trying their best to move forward after her husband's infidelity but something is missing.  Their previous love and devotion for one another is gone and never coming back.  Innocence had been lost.  The problem with deceit and betrayal is that you'll become wary and jaded.

However, some couples thrive after infidelity.  Just be prepared for long term healing.  Love can be recovered albeit the seed of distrust had been implanted within the deep recesses of your brain.  It's impossible to remove it. 

People forgive but they never forget.  Pain is always there.  I'm sorry.

All is not doom and gloom though.  Both of you can make it work by living honorably everyday.  Granted, not everyone's stories are the same but everyone makes mistakes.  The difference here is either being an unchanged person or learning from the past and becoming a better person.  If it's the latter, then the relationship is worth salvaging and saving.

[boltnrun]

I don't believe cheating is a "mistake". It's a deliberate choice.

It's important to decide if you want to remain in a relationship with someone who CHOSE to deceive and hurt you. If you can truly get past the cheating there would be no need for revenge tattling to the woman's husband.

[MissCanuck]

When you decided to take back someone you cannot (and should not) trust, you are choosing to forgive to some extent.

And that includes having the maturity to understand that blowing up her husband's world is not going to make your crappy boyfriend's crappy behaviour less crappy. 

 

[Cherylyn]

I agree, cheating isn't a mistake.  I was referring to irrevocable damage type mistakes which I never condone nor forget.  It is very hard to forgive and move on with the perpetrator remaining in your life. 

There are different forms of cheating.  I myself have extreme difficulty forgiving.  I fall into the 'one and done,'  'two if you're lucky' type category.  This is in regards to not only infidelity but other offenses including deceit, betrayal, lying, cheating in all forms, sneakiness in all forms, abuse in all forms, chronic gaslighting, habitual disrespect, repetitive obnoxious rudeness, excuses, false accusations, serious mental disorders for which there is no cure and hopeless people beyond reproach.

In my case, unfortunately, my paths cross with certain perpetrators.  All I can do is enforce very strong boundaries as I steer the ship in the relationship, not they.  It's very liberating. 

I'm no longer shackled by my former sweet innocence regarding people.  The light turned on and I'll never return to the same naive lady I once was.  I've since been around the corner a few times in this thing called life and developed street smarts.  As my mother said, "You graduate from the school of hard knocks."  (Bad experiences teach you how to navigate your life more wisely.)  You become a better read of people and your perceptions become sharper. 

I no longer hope nor wish for anything especially if there's a bad track record and history with some unreliable people in my life.  I let them go and live my own life in my safe haven bubble which I've deliberately created for myself.  There is no more risk, harm nor pain as I see to that permanently.  It's the same as burning your hand.  You're careful not to allow getting burned again.  Therefore, you control and create zero risk.  It is human nature. 

Fool me once shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  😞

[redswim30]

It is always best not to involve yourself in the marriage of others.  You never see all the ways this could have consequences for you.  

You're assuming that everyone who has been cheated on wants to know.  That's not true. 

You're assuming that someone who is told will thank the messenger- Also usually not true. 

Telling her husband won't change what happened.  You also don't know their marriage, maybe they have an open relationship. Maybe's he cheated on her in the past.  Maybe he's abusive or violent. 

Another great reason NOT to tell her husband is for your own safety.  I know people that have told the unsuspecting partner about an affair.   No one that I know that has done this has had ANY good come from it.  Things that have happened; 1. They got harassed by the person they told, that person wanting endless details. 2. They got stalked by the person they told wondering how you're involved in it all. 3. They got threatened by the person they told who didn't believe them.  4. They got injured by the man they told that didn't believe them. 5. They got involved in lawsuits. 

And those are just some examples.  You could very well end up hurting your life much more than hers. 

It's not worth it.  Seeking revenge on her won't change what happened and you don't really know these people. 

The best "revenge" is living your life well. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Conf79 said:

He knows my anxiety regarding him working with her and that was a big hurdle, we weren't at a good place for him to up and quit either. I want to tell her husband it's not fair at all she got out of this clean. a part of me that wants to ruin her life.

[catfeeder]

She's a convenient distraction away from how your own partner chose to treat you and whether you can actually trust his word, his behavior and his love for you ever again.

Kicking at her will only enliven a true enemy who may become intent on deliberately harming you back.

If you'll want to spend your future looking over both shoulders awaiting payback instead of examining whether you're really content with your cheater in the first place, you can do that.

[jul-els]

What happened to you was not something you asked for or deserved, and it was unfair. But such is life. The world is an unfair place. It’s your reaction that counts. You can adapt and overcome, or let it drag you down. The power to choose is yours. I hope you’ll have the power, strength and wisdom to do what’s best for you, and not what’s worst for others. 

[Blue_Skirt]

She is not the problem, your boyfriend is. Your boyfriend has cheated on you, she did not. She cheated on her husband. Don’t go down to their level.

I have been cheated on once by my then boyfriend and I took him back, half a year later he broke up with me. Having learned that lesson, I will never take back a cheater again.

If you feel so angry about the whole situation that you want to destroy her world, it is time to break up with your boyfriend.

[Cherylyn]

You have to tread very lightly in this day and age.  Many times, your attempt to retaliate will sorely backfire.  People can easily accuse YOU of slander, ruin YOUR reputation, gaslight you, bad mouth you electronically via text, emails, messages, social media, voicemails, copy, paste, forward your evidence, gossip, etc.  We live in a dangerous, risky world.  Then you are left trying to clear your name by defending yourself endlessly.  You will dig a deeper hole for yourself.  You could also end up in legal hot water.  Don't make a bad situation worse by getting messy and making a hotter mess for everyone.  It's not worth the preventable headache and repercussions. 

Think before you act.  Never jeopardize yourself.  You'd better think twice.  Be smart.

Beware. 

[Cherylyn]

Cheating,  lying,  stealing,  deceit,  betrayal,  gaslighting,  inappropriate comments,  lack of empathy, selfishness,  dishonor,  disrespect,  lack of integrity,  not treating me with dignity, manipulation, indifference, mental / physical abuse, sociopathic behaviors, etc. are all real deal breakers for me.  Once I catch a whiff of anything unacceptably abnormal, I'm OUT.  My life is too precious to care for those who do not share my same common sense values.  It's a no-brainer and not rocket science. 

[Conf79]

Thank you all for your input.  I have decided not to pursue on telling her husband anything. I do believe we pay for what we reap, and it will come back to her x3.  Many of you may not believe in bad spirits but I truly believe she has a jezebel spirit upon her.  My bf told me that the whole office knows how she is with her flirting and she became an outsider after all of this, so she is fearful of someone telling her husband because she didn't invite any co workers to the wedding or reception. They are also leaving the state. LOL For the person who asked about my relationship, we are better than we've been in a long time. Except for him working with her that was the only issue. Thank you for the advice.

[tattoobunnie]

I sent screen shots of the messages between my hubs and his ex to her husband.  She was always reaching out to my hubs.  It felt great.  They got divorced.  She also got COVID so bad she had to be hospitalized for months.  She is getting married again. Karma's a b**ch.

I truly believe if they make it your business, you tell the spouse.  They can decide what to do with the info.  Now, if it is someone that has nothing to do with your marriage or your best friend, it's their business.

I would drop your BF like hotcakes...but that's just me.  

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Conf79 said:

 I truly believe she has a jezebel spirit upon her. 

It would be wonderful to believe your BF was bewitched by some wanton hussy. However he chose to pursue her of his own free will.