A dogs world

[NIN2000]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year and both have amazing chemistry, communication, respect and overall deeply love each other.  Our relationship has been very mature and recently we are discussing moving in with each other. However, we have one (1) disagreement -she loves dogs and owns three (3) which she wants to permanently bring to my house. While I like dogs I am not inclined to bring three (3) into my life for the following reasons:

1. Three years years ago I paid off my home and in the past two (2) years have worked very hard and spent over $200,000 in renovations. The thought of 3 dogs sleeping on my furniture and having to clean up after them doesn’t appeal to me.

2. I like to travel and owning 3 dogs hinders my freedom to do so. While I like dogs, I’m not thrilled by the responsibility.
 

3. I am highly allergic and can’t imagine coming home and having to deal with allergies under my own roof -as a result of the dogs.

4. I am a neat person and like to have my home clean and organized. The three dogs are medium sized, 1 of them sheds lots of hair and all love to sleep with my girlfriend in her bed (I don’t want to sleep in my bed with three dogs).

5. I like my home quiet and the dogs are loud. Two of them bark all the time.

My girlfriend and I have discussed this issue at length. While I don’t want to sound like a jerk, on the other hand,  I’ve worked so hard to pay off the house and spent over $200,000 in furniture and renovations -the thought of three dogs sleeping on the furniture and creating a messy house is disheartening.

I primarily used the above number 3 and 4 to state my case. She understands but tries to convince me otherwise.

I don’t dislike her dogs but I am not thrilled to inherit three (3) after all of the above.

Am I being harsh? What advice can you provide?

[Kwothe28]

Isnt there some kind of compromise? For example if a house has a big yard you can keep dogs there and not inside the home.

Anyway, its a big thing, not a small one. Like, big thing people are breaking up. You cant ask her to give away her dogs for you. As she cant just hope that you will accept 3 of her dogs inside home if you are allergic and have a problem with dogs being inside the house. If you dont reach compromise about that, one of you would end up unhappy if you move in together. And therefore maybe lead to breaking up.

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, NIN2000 said:

dating for over a year. she loves dogs and owns three (3) which she wants to permanently bring to my house.

Do not ask her to move in. First of all it's too soon. Secondly there's a major impasse. She can have her dogs, just not in your house. And that's your prerogative. It's that simple.

Cease the moving in conversation. It will lead to nothing but arguments and resentments both ways. She'll plead that you're being mean etc., etc. but you need to do what is best for your mental and physical health.

[NIN2000]

11 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Isnt there some kind of compromise? For example if a house has a big yard you can keep dogs there and not inside the home.

Anyway, its a big thing, not a small one. Like, big thing people are breaking up. You cant ask her to give away her dogs for you. As she cant just hope that you will accept 3 of her dogs inside home if you are allergic and have a problem with dogs being inside the house. If you dont reach compromise about that, one of you would end up unhappy if you move in together. And therefore maybe lead to breaking up.

My house has a big yard but she refuses to leave the dogs outside in the heat. She insist that they must be allowed inside the house and on the furniture. (I spent $5,000 on a tempura pedic mattress and I will not allow three dogs to sleep there)

[Batya33]

It would be a dealbreaker for me for sure.  Not because I have a nice home as you do (and seriously -I hear your pride in it and that's wonderful that you feel this way!) - but because I'm not a dog person, I don't want to have to deal with what to do when I travel and for me personally I don't relate to the extent of that level of attachment enough so that I could live with it. I respect all dog owners who consider their dogs part of the family and it doesn't mean I'd live with any of them or vacation with them if they insisted on bringing the dog.

I even have disliked when I've had to eat outside in bad weather because my friend wouldn't leave her healthy dog alone for few hours to meet me or where I had to be the one to travel to the friend to be at their home so the dog wouldn't be alone.  I dislike having to ask that the dog not leap on me and I've been bitten (completely unprovoked on my end) so I have some residual fears from that.  

I know of married couples who live separately and you can see if that would be an option -she lives with her dogs, and she comes to you and perhaps you split the cost of anyone she'd need for more than a few days to dog sit etc.  

How soon into the relationship did she have these dogs? I'm surprised it's only an issue now.  

[MissCanuck]

53 minutes ago, NIN2000 said:

she refuses to leave the dogs outside in the heat.

She's right about that. It is not fair to leave them outside all the time if they haven't grown up as outdoor dogs and don't have adequate shelter from heat or cold outside. 

I love dogs, personally, and have always had dogs. If my partner shared your feelings, I would respect his feelings and not move in with him. It's that simple. I wouldn't give them up (if that is what you are hoping will happen here.) You two just can't live together while the dogs are in her life. 

 

[itsallgrand]

I'm currently dogsitting and I love her so much... but I get you, it's almost like having a kid. Lol. 

What have you done so far? Do you take turns spending nights at each other's places? Do the dogs sleep at your house? 

My FIL and his girlfriend of many many years each kept their own places because of this type of situation. And they are really happy! Great people both, but she has dogs (even fosters on top) and he's like you. I don't see why it always has to be, move in together? Sometimes great relationships take other forms. 

[NIN2000]

I own my house. She lives with her sister in a small apartment. As a result, she spends time at my house and demands that the her dogs receive special treatment. I’ve spent hundreds of thousands on this house and do not want her dogs in my house.

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, NIN2000 said:

do not want her dogs in my house.

So, you two can't live together. 

You are incompatible on this point. She wants her pets with her, and you don't. Neither of you is wrong, but you won't be able to cohabitate.  Continue to live separately.

 

[itsallgrand]

2 minutes ago, NIN2000 said:

I own my house. She lives with her sister in a small apartment. As a result, she spends time at my house and demands that the her dogs receive special treatment. I’ve spent hundreds of thousands on this house and do not want her dogs in my house.

All the more reason to scrap the moving in idea, especially now. 

I'd see if she can rise up to a compromise while living seperate first before even thinking of it even. Like finding a place of her own with room for her dogs and she hosts sometimes. Sometimes the dogs are on dates, other times at your house etc she finds someone to watch them. 

I'm just going to say a thing drifting through my mind... If she's got 3 dogs in a small shared apartment maybe you aren't financially compatible to mix that with a move in either. You've got all these assets and she's prioritizing having 3 pups over having her own place and room for them...not much room there for hope that you can meet at a middle way. 

[bluecastle]

29 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You are incompatible on this point. She wants her pets with her, and you don't. Neither of you is wrong, but you won't be able to cohabitate.  Continue to live separately.

 

It's really this simple.

Why force something that doesn't fit? If she euthanizes the dogs for you, or keeps them at her sister's, you are going to go from being someone she loves to someone she resents. Ditto for you if she moves in with you with dogs. Meanwhile, you know that living separately is a blast. 

I'd suggest, moving forward with the discussion, that you try to resist making your point with dollar signs. I get it, I get it. But it's a bit crass, especially if (as I'm presuming) there is a major gap between you two financially: you in the six figure renovation on the five figure mattress, her sharing an apartment with her sister.

If that sort of gap exists you run the risk of minimizing her life with your argument. Not the intention, I know, but something to pay attention to.

 

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

My house has a big yard but she refuses to leave the dogs outside in the heat. She insist that they must be allowed inside the house and on the furniture. (I spent $5,000 on a tempura pedic mattress and I will not allow three dogs to sleep there)

If you are incapable of compromise, the only other solution is that one of you caves in to other. In her case she would hate you because you made her give in her dogs, in yours you would hate her because you would feel that you gave her way too much and the dogs would ruin your home. So its not really a good solution. 

Somebody suggested "distance marriage" kind of thing, I know one instance of that but they do it because both are incapable to find better jobs in each other city. So she stayed in her city and he in his own and they see over weekend. To do it because of dogs? Sorry to say, its kinda silly. I would also wrote it as "incompatible" especially because those dogs are probably big part of her life. So if you planned on living together, its really not something doable when you are both at different wave lenghts on such a big issue.

[Batya33]

Financially how would this work -she now shares a small apartment with her sister - so if she moves in to your home what would her contribution be toward house expenses (because she won't be gaining equity, right?).  

She had those 3 dogs when you first met, yes? Is the purpose of moving in together so she can have more space and have a nicer living situation than she has now? It matters as far as purpose -because if the purpose is mostly financial and convenience that's different than if you two want to see if you can strengthen your emotional commitment and plan for something longer term.

[smackie9]

Dump your GF. You two are not compatible. Being a pet parent is a "lifestyle". You need to meet someone who also feels the same way you do, and likes a pristine house. And don't plan on having kids. They will destroy your nice furniture and mark up the walls for sure.

[Cherylyn]

Replace the girlfriend.  The dogs aren't going anywhere and here to stay. 

No, you're not being harsh. 

[Rose Mosse]

It's odd that she thinks moving into your home is appropriate with her pets knowing you're allergic, for one. This is beyond disrespectful and inconsiderate. How on earth does a person wake up every day knowing that their chosen lifestyle causes discomfort to their partner? Dog or no dog, it's her expectation to date and move in with you that causes all kinds of questions for me about what type of person she is. 

No, she's not a terrible person for loving dogs. Plenty of people love dogs and live with dogs. It's her approach, expectations and overall attitude that seems uncaring towards you. Just ridiculous. 

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Batya33]

My sense is she wants to improve her living situation given her cramped apartment and his spacious well appointed renovated home knowing she won’t have to pay half of the mortgage. And her dogs will have more room too. 

[smackie9]

I'm not sure why you two got together without even considering her dogs being a part of her life, especially you having allergies to pets. That should have been a deal breaker right from the get go. I agree this is looking like a financial gain/better lifestyle type thing on her end that she's angling on. Maybe it's a good thing you are here, and hearing us out.

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year

Okay, so what's the rush on moving her in?

I suggest you don't.  This will cause a rift between you two and quickly.  She will most likely side with her dogs in the end and find offense towards you 😕 .

Take some more time just dating.  Is there any reason she can't remain where she is now for maybe another year or two?  Just so you can both be sure this is what you both want...

Actually, a good point has been made- on how imcompatible you two are and it sounds like she wants to move into your home too quickly maybe?  yeah... No. ( as mentioned, you knew from beginning of her dogs -and is not your problem her living arrangements w/ her sister).

Think hard on all of this... seriously.

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

She lives with her sister in a small apartment. I do not want her dogs in my house.

You need to end it. You're incompatible and after a year there's really no "compromise". You will end up fighting and hating each other. Just not worth it.

[mylolita]

Evening!

 

I have to admit, you are not being harsh or unreasonable at all.

 

I personally can relate! Like a few others have said here, I respect the bond people have with their animals, but it‘s not for me. I also keep a really ultra clean, pristine home, with antique furniture and a silk couch. Our house is strictly a “shoes off” kinda house!

 

I often come to blows with my in laws regarding similar issues. They won’t leave their pampered pooch for even 2 hours alone, insist on bringing it and then complain and make me out to be the bad guy when I shut the dog in our kitchen or yard (if it’s a nice day) when they bring her. (She gets a thick chicken breast and a bowl of water and her own bed by the way!) 

 

The thought of sleeping in bed with dogs(!) - I don’t get it! 
 

It’s not for you. You’ve been with each other 3 years - that is long enough for her to know already how you feel about your home and her dogs and your lifestyle. She shouldn’t be pressuring you when she will know how you feel about it.

 

I don’t think compromises often work long term for situations like this - but if you are both content to live separate, as others have suggested, this seems to be the only compromise you could realistically make.

 

What you have to ask yourself is, where do you see your relationship going and, what direction do you both want for it? If it‘s marriage or children, the children part will struggle to work if you both have different abodes, it‘s not realistic. 
 

Best of luck OP and congratulations for finishing your renovations!

 

x

 

 

[Wiseman2]

[spinstermanquee]

Nin, couple red flags here from a super duper animal lover but also a big neat freak who likes to keep a lid on the god hair 😉

First off (and I am aware this sounds judgemental) I think anyone who has 3 dogs in a small apartment is not very mature or considerate to the doggos, and as other posters have said, not considerate AT ALL to your allergies.  For the doggos:  canines need space, fresh air, exercise, discipline, and (IMHO) should not be let on the furniture unless everyone in the household agrees.  I could not imagine a world where I was being intimate with my SO and felt a dog nose in my bum!  I also think it's enough to clean up dog hair from the floor as an act of love, but not have to constantly lint remove hair from furniture or compete for space with dog(s) that we didn't choose/adopt together.

We trained all our canines (but we only ever had one at a time) to not enter our bedroom or bathrooms (toilet water drinking) or go up on the furniture.  They had their space and their place.

I say all this because it was not thrust upon me.  After careful consideration, I willingly shared our lives with a pet.  This is more in line with family planning.  Imagine that she has three kids in diapers and you are discussing becoming their daddy.  You have to want her really super bad to agree to that, when you are allergic to her children.

PS properly trained, well exercised canines do not damage, chew furniture, excessively bark, or poo all over the place.  Those are called "nuisance behaviors" and have to be trained out.

[lostandhurt]

First off you don't have to explain or prove why you don't want the dogs in the house.  The money, renovations or anything else doesn't matter here, it only matters that it is your house and you do not want the dogs inside sleeping in the bed and on your furniture. 

  What would happen if she gave up the dogs? Would they go to the shelter? Left with her sister?  Then what?  Your gf would grow to hate you for it don't you think? 

 This is what is called a No Win situation. In this case and to quote a movie The best way to win is to not play the game.

Simply put you have two options.

 Break up  or

Never move in together.

Wait one more option.

Wait until the dogs live out their lives and when the last one has passed on she can move in.  Of course as long as she doesn't replace the dogs.

I am not sure how much she actually loves you if she is willing to have  you be miserable with allergies everyday of your life because of her pets.

 

Lost

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

it only matters that it is your house and you do not want the dogs inside sleeping in the bed and on your furniture. 

And that's another issue I see -from your first post it seems that she would be moving into "your" house although you would be living "together".  I don't blame you about the dogs -and SpinsterManquees post was so informatiive to me - but your general stance seems to be that this is "your house" you put "your money" into these renovations and I don't think that's a great way to start out living "together".