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Yikes, I wouldn't push the moving in issue. This obviously wont work for you and that is ok. You are two different people with different needs. I would keep separate residences for now. And if you decide to have her move in, please note that dogs shouldn't be kept outside. The other person recommending you to keep the dogs OUTSIDE is not good advice. They are not meant to live outside under any circumstances. 

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On 7/25/2022 at 9:49 AM, spinstermanquee said:

Nin, neat freak Spinster had a (single) doggie visitor this past weekend in her high end town home that was recently renovated, maybe not to the tune of yours but that is irrelevant.  This long-haired, large breed animal is quiet, tidy, polite, gets brushed twice per day, and bathed once a week.  It is doted on by its owner.  However, even the tidiest of dogs will shed, drip their drinking water on the kitchen tile, and leave "nose art" on the stainless steel and sliding glass doors.

I just spent the last hour lint rolling dog hair off the tile floors and it's probably going to take a few more days to stop seeing "reminders" that he visited, plus clean up the slobber & marks from the floors, windows, and appliances.  However, for me, it's a labor of love.  I smile with every hair I pick up because I just adore him!  

Now I can only imagine the shape your place would be in with 3 unrulies that you don't love... and I didn't even touch on the impact canines have on automobiles... and carpet 😉 Good luck Nin!

You have a very good point. However, you are providing an illustration far from my situation. You describe 1 clean dog as opposed to 3 dogs who receive a bath once every three (3) months. You describe picking up dog hair from the floor but not from your bed, couches and other furniture. Not to mention I’m very allergic and at the end of the day -the house is mine. I should have a say.

At the same time, love conquers all, and it is obvious that I have not been conquered, to the point that I will accept her dogs.

I’ve worked hard for too long and achieved a level of comfort which I will not relinquish. As a result,  I have no problem terminating the relationship than living miserable with her dogs. 

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1 hour ago, Willowgirl55 said:

Yikes, I wouldn't push the moving in issue. This obviously wont work for you and that is ok. You are two different people with different needs. I would keep separate residences for now. And if you decide to have her move in, please note that dogs shouldn't be kept outside. The other person recommending you to keep the dogs OUTSIDE is not good advice. They are not meant to live outside under any circumstances. 

As long as the deed of the house has my name, I assure you that dogs will not live on my property.

Thank you for your feedback.

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On 7/25/2022 at 11:05 AM, reinventmyself said:

Her wanting to keep her dogs is just as valid as you not wanting them in your life.

There is no right or wrong.  No reason to state your case.  You are totally entitled to feel the way you do.  So does she.

You need to remember, wanting her to do away with her dogs, though you didn't come right out and say that, is no different than wanting a mother to rehome her children.  It just isn't going to happen.

Continue to live separately or consider this a mismatch.

I agree.

However, my point is deeper than that. Specifically, if the tables were reversed, I wouldn’t dare move into someone’s home and make demands knowing that the property is not mine.

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On 7/25/2022 at 12:45 PM, tattoobunnie said:

Speaking as a dog owner with kids, I advised you to never have kids and never have dogs.  They are messy, destroy things, and beyond noisy.  Sure, they will love you with every fiber in their being and bring endless meaning to your life.  But that's not for you.  You two are incompatible.

My dog opened my heart so much that it made room in my world, and I got with the love of my life.  And I loved my life and very proud of it, but having kids, I truly felt like I knew the meaning of life then.  

And it's okay to never want kids or pets.  I just don't think you two will work out.

I'm on year three for allergy shots now btw.

The image is of my hub's who never owned a dog, didn't ever want a dog, but now is a sad clown if she doesn't sleep with him.

dog.jpg

Thank you for your feedback.

You are right, dogs are not for me and that is why I haven’t owned one for over 20 years. Not will I allow anyone to shove three (3) smelly dogs into my life.

I have no problem terminating our relationship and moving on with my life. 

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On 7/24/2022 at 6:36 PM, Andrina said:

I really don't understand why you didn't have the foresight to put pet owners on a no-date list.

If your longterm goal was to have a lifetime partner, why did you even bother dating her? Most longterm couples end up moving in together eventually. 

If she decided on being a dog owner after she began dating you, knowing you were allergic, well then that's the point you should have broken up.

I would also question her decision making skills as it's a lot of work to walk three dogs many times a day when there is no yard at her apartment. 

I entered in a relationship with an interest of getting to know and date my girlfriend, not with an interest of adopting 3 smelly dogs. Her pets were never an issue as she kept them at her apartment. Usually we spend time at my home, we travel without the dogs. We go to the beach, restaurants, concerts and watch movies without dogs.

This issue (moving in together) came up recently.
She insisted on moving in with the dogs. Btw, my girlfriend works in the medical field, her jobs consist of 12 hour shifts. During her work hours I would have to feed and take out the dogs. I wouldn’t mind these task for a few days but definitely not for a lifetime.

I had dogs for 22 years. I know how much work they are and I’m in a state in my life which I no longer desire those task.

I want to return to the south of France for 6 weeks and not have to accommodate for a pet. I want freedom!

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On 7/25/2022 at 3:22 PM, Cherylyn said:

I've resided in suburban houses all my life.

I grew up having a backyard dog during my childhood.  My parents didn't do anything with the dog other than feed it.  There were no walks, human interaction, regular grooming and the like. 

During the early years of my marriage, my husband and I owned birds, cats, a dog and aquarium fish.  Our young sons had lizards in a terrarium and a hamster. 

We've since owned several indoor dogs along the way.

My beloved Golden Retriever passed away 3 years ago and I miss her sorely everyday.  She was calm, quiet, extremely intelligent, always eager to please, possessed incredible self control, extremely well behaved and the model dog.  I give her the highest praise because she was of noble character and would put many human beings to shame.  She received outstanding care from us including plenty of daily exercise, two 45 minute walks per day rain or shine.  I made her a doggy raincoat!  I cooked homemade dog food for her.  I brushed her coat 3x day, she went to the professional groomer's regularly, my husband brushed her teeth every night, cleaned her ears, she was wiped, cleaned and sanitized EVERYWHERE throughout the day.  She was trained and of 'Guide Dog' for the blind caliber.  I kept her so clean she didn't know what dirt was!  Her paws were cleaned upon entry to the house 6x day.  We don't wear shoes indoors.  She was never on the furniture nor did she ever want to be on the furniture except her extra large dog bed on the floor.  She never begged for table scraps, never jumped on us and had impeccable manners.  One of the saddest days of my life was the day man's or woman's best friend passed away at age 14.  Whenever I think of her, I really can't praise any human being as much as I can praise my late dog. 

My furry pal transformed me into a dog lover. 

Having said that, I doubt that my husband and I will own another dog.  Our previous dog set the bar so high that I doubt I'll find another as good as her but that's not the main reason.  As much as we loved her with utmost devotion as much as the loyalty and love she gave us thousandfold, we want an easier life with less time consuming responsibilities.  We've honored our 14 commitment to give her a great life and we keep moving forward by keeping busy as pet-less.  I see a lot of dog walkers in my neighborhood and admire other dog owners but my husband and I are done regarding pet ownership. 

The freedom to come and go as we please, not worry about kenneling or dog sitting while we're not home, not having to race back home to let the dog out or feed it, not having veterinary and dog food expenses and more TIME is something my husband and I savor nowadays. 

Like you, my mortgage is paid off, I own my house free and clear.  I'm a clean freak and a neat freak.  I no longer tolerate fur and dander.  My allergies are nowhere near as bad as if was before. 

I've outgrown dog ownership.  Been there done that.  However, I enjoy other people's pets occasionally.  My sister has 2 dogs and after being at her house with ear piercing barking noises, I've had my fill and ready to go back to my quiet, dog-less, cleaner house. 

Don't move in together.  Change the dynamic of your boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with new enforced boundaries.  If you can't compromise, then you don't have a long term future with your girlfriend.  Remain realistic, practical and move on. 

 

My condolences for the loss of your pet. Everything you stated, I felt and experienced as a teenager. After my dog of 14 years passed away, like you I decided to utilize my free time differently. 
 

Dog ownership is a serious responsibility which requires time and devotion. While I no longer have the time nor devotion I am also concerned that my girlfriends standards for dog ownership contradict mine. She rarely gives them a bath, brushes their coat nor offers them proper exercise; and I can see myself having to do these (unwanted) task.

I am the home owner who paid off the mortgage -not her. I will not allow any pets in my home. If she doesn’t like it, she can move on. But I’m not reversing my stance.

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On 7/25/2022 at 4:06 PM, MissCanuck said:

What other problems have you two had?

I am sensing this is not just about the dogs. You seem very resentful of her so I am wondering what else is contributing to this. 

In all honesty, we dated for a little over 1 year and we never had any issues. This is the first and May be the last.

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21 minutes ago, NIN2000 said:

I entered in a relationship with an interest of getting to know and date my girlfriend, not with an interest of adopting 3 smelly dogs. Her pets were never an issue as she kept them at her apartment. Usually we spend time at my home, we travel without the dogs. We go to the beach, restaurants, concerts and watch movies without dogs.

This issue (moving in together) came up recently.
She insisted on moving in with the dogs. Btw, my girlfriend works in the medical field, her jobs consist of 12 hour shifts. During her work hours I would have to feed and take out the dogs. I wouldn’t mind these task for a few days but definitely not for a lifetime.

I had dogs for 22 years. I know how much work they are and I’m in a state in my life which I no longer desire those task.

I want to return to the south of France for 6 weeks and not have to accommodate for a pet. I want freedom!

And you are absolutely free to have that freedom, travel, and do anything you like. I think you are out of line though in the sense that you asked your girlfriend to move in but you said: "Your dogs can't come". That's actually really unfair because she never misled you that she has three dogs and even that she wants more dogs.

Though you say you had dogs for a long time but you don't really seem to be a dog person. You seem to think of them as only a nuisance and that's it. You don't actually seem to understand that to a dog owner and especially if they've had a dog a long time, there is a strong bond and love. It's not just a temporary thing like owning a shirt or something and then you decide you need to declutter and you downsize your clothes. I just don't think you get it at all.

You speak quite condescendingly about your girlfriend and her love of dogs, and her dogs.  So yeah I think you should just end the relationship. What you're asking her to do is cruel because the dogs love her and are used to her. When you re home dogs later in life, it causes them trauma. And it causes the owner trauma who had to get rid of them and misses them dearly. 

I don't understand how you actually thought that if you move in together that she would get rid of them for you. That's really selfish.

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On 7/25/2022 at 5:46 PM, Jaunty said:

You seem very angry at her, why?  She came with the 3 dogs and you chose to be with her.  The dogs don't seem to have prevented the progression of your relationship.  Frankly, this surprises me - with your negative feelings about her animals, it seems like they would have already come between you.  

That said, you still don't need to sacrifice the lifestyle you've worked hard to have in order to live with her and her dogs. 

Just live separately, if you want to stay together.  

I still have to ask "why" though.  You are mad.  

 

You are wrong, the dogs were never an issue. They were at her apartment with her sister. They were never a part of our relationship. She never brought them to my home nor did she ever discuss or say much about them.
 

Moreover, my girlfriend stays at my home all the time and knows very well how I live. She also knows that I have health issues and has seen how hard I’ve worked to get where I am.

The dog issue materialize recently when we discussed moving in. It was then that she insisted on bringing the dogs and demand that they sleep with us in our bed. (Hell no!)

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On 7/25/2022 at 9:30 AM, Lambert said:

I think you've received a lot of good advice here. You are incompatible in many areas.  Her dogs are not the only reason but they also highlight her immaturity, selfishness, lack of self awareness, inability to be self-sufficient and poor judgment. 

Why would you:

move forward with all these red flags? Settle for someone so different from your own values and achievements? Sacrifice your health and financial stability? Basically blow up your life?  Do you think you can't find better? 

I agree 100%. Thank you for your feedback.

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On 7/25/2022 at 7:27 PM, catfeeder said:

I would lay off the money and material stuff, and go with the allergies.

Nobody should have to live with something that triggers those, it can actually be deadly.

Keep seeing one another and help her find HER new place, but I'd put my foot down on the dog visits for health reasons. If she argues with that, then this is someone without your best interests in mind, and you can do better.

I agree. Thank you for your feedback.

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14 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

And you are absolutely free to have that freedom, travel, and do anything you like. I think you are out of line though in the sense that you asked your girlfriend to move in but you said: "Your dogs can't come". That's actually really unfair because she never misled you that she has three dogs and even that she wants more dogs.

Though you say you had dogs for a long time but you don't really seem to be a dog person. You seem to think of them as only a nuisance and that's it. You don't actually seem to understand that to a dog owner and especially if they've had a dog a long time, there is a strong bond and love. It's not just a temporary thing like owning a shirt or something and then you decide you need to declutter and you downsize your clothes. I just don't think you get it at all.

You speak quite condescendingly about your girlfriend and her love of dogs, and her dogs.  So yeah I think you should just end the relationship. What you're asking her to do is cruel because the dogs love her and are used to her. When you re home dogs later in life, it causes them trauma. And it causes the owner trauma who had to get rid of them and misses them dearly. 

I don't understand how you actually thought that if you move in together that she would get rid of them for you. That's really selfish.

My girlfriend spends lots of time with me and her sister is always calling her demanding that she spend more time and care of her dog. In other words, my girlfriend loves her dogs but the reason they stink and don’t get bathed for 3 months is because my girlfriend doesn’t take the responsibility.

If she moves in with me and brings her dogs, the above scenario will continue but I will have to do the work. That’s not happening!

She opened the door and brought up the conversation of moving in. I have no objection since she spends 5 out 7 days at my house, but now she insist that the dogs are a part of the move.

Call me selfish (I can care less) however; I am the owner of the property and have a say. If she doesn’t like it, then it’s time to move on. I’m not going to sacrifice my health for anyone.

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41 minutes ago, NIN2000 said:

My girlfriend spends lots of time with me and her sister is always calling her demanding that she spend more time and care of her dog. In other words, my girlfriend loves her dogs but the reason they stink and don’t get bathed for 3 months is because my girlfriend doesn’t take the responsibility.

If she moves in with me and brings her dogs, the above scenario will continue but I will have to do the work. That’s not happening!

She opened the door and brought up the conversation of moving in. I have no objection since she spends 5 out 7 days at my house, but now she insist that the dogs are a part of the move.

Call me selfish (I can care less) however; I am the owner of the property and have a say. If she doesn’t like it, then it’s time to move on. I’m not going to sacrifice my health for anyone.

Yeah so move on then

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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Genuine question, but what did you expect her to do? 

Give up the dogs? I am curious how you envisioned this going. 

Quoting myself since I this may have gotten lost in the thread, but what are your thoughts on the above, OP? 

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1 hour ago, NIN2000 said:

She opened the door and brought up the conversation of moving in. 

Bingo! She's looking for a lotto ticket and your home would be her dream kennel. Good you're prepared to end it.

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7 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

As long as the deed of the house has my name, I assure you that dogs will not live on my property.

Thank you for your feedback.

That's also why you shouldn't move in - it will always be "your property" based on your name on the deed.  But if you're choosing to live together for emotional reasons and not just convenience then there has to be a strong sense that despite what the deed says it is "your" home together. 

After all these pages you first raise (I think first raise?) that she brought up the idea and you had "no objection."  Um no.  If you're not thrilled to live together, not ready to share a home together, and if to you it is not a progression emotionally (it need not be - it wouldn't have been for me -I don't see living together as necessarily commitment-strengthening) - then she brought it up as a matter of convenience it seems or if not -you're not on the same wavelength as to that either.

I think you're far too territorial about your home and your comfort and your things to be a good candidate for living together - and somehow you dismiss all the help she gave you in renovations -you didn't respond to my inquiry but sounds like it's still "your property" and she got nothing other than perhaps verbal appreciation for contributing as she did, yes?

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My 2 cents - as a new dog owner I completely understand your concerns. Dogs are a lot of responsibility, more than I knew beforehand. Your call outs are valid but like others have said, if you want this woman in your life you have to compromise. It sounds like it’s best you 2 continue to live separately.

 

Also, if you do bring any woman into your home - it’s not ideal to keep spitting out that it’s your property and you paid this and that etc. Nobody wants to live in that kind of environment. If you are sharing your home then share it, or just don’t. 

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I get the obvious impasse regarding living or not living with the dogs.

What's interesting is that this realization might cause people to feel a sense of loss or disappointment of a plan not realized.

You on the other hand seem pretty angry about it, with a 'screw her' attitude.  It's hard to believe that neither of you even anticipated this dilemma in the last year?  Or did you both assume the other would give in?

I'd personally be disappointed that there doesn't seem to be a compromise.  You seem pretty dismissive over her wishes and almost punishing.   I can't help but wonder if there much love loss on your side to begin with.  Or . .is this is a symptom of a larger problem.

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17 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

You have a very good point. However, you are providing an illustration far from my situation. You describe 1 clean dog as opposed to 3 dogs who receive a bath once every three (3) months. You describe picking up dog hair from the floor but not from your bed, couches and other furniture. Not to mention I’m very allergic and at the end of the day -the house is mine. I should have a say.

Hey I wasn't trying to sell you anything.  Your health and pristine abode come first.  🙂 I was being supportive, juxtaposing my situation and yours.  I am fine with mine, but were I in your shoes, even dog lover that I am, would JUST SAY NO WAY JOSE/NIN.  I am not allergic, but I would NOT tolerate the dirty and unkempt unrulies for even a second!  No matter how good the sex!  Not worth my health (primary) and my assets (secondary)!  Good luck to you my dear.

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