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9 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

However, I asked my girlfriend; “if I didn’t shower or bathe for 30 days would” she sleep in the same bed as me!? Quickly she responds “No!” And than I point out out that her favorite dog pees and poops everyday, gets a bath once every 60 days and she invites sleeps with that dog daily. 

Her reaction was embarrassment. But it’s true. I on the other hand, find this motion revoltingly disgusting.

Nin, neat freak Spinster had a (single) doggie visitor this past weekend in her high end town home that was recently renovated, maybe not to the tune of yours but that is irrelevant.  This long-haired, large breed animal is quiet, tidy, polite, gets brushed twice per day, and bathed once a week.  It is doted on by its owner.  However, even the tidiest of dogs will shed, drip their drinking water on the kitchen tile, and leave "nose art" on the stainless steel and sliding glass doors.

I just spent the last hour lint rolling dog hair off the tile floors and it's probably going to take a few more days to stop seeing "reminders" that he visited, plus clean up the slobber & marks from the floors, windows, and appliances.  However, for me, it's a labor of love.  I smile with every hair I pick up because I just adore him!  

Now I can only imagine the shape your place would be in with 3 unrulies that you don't love... and I didn't even touch on the impact canines have on automobiles... and carpet 😉 Good luck Nin!

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31 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

wanting her to do away with her dogs, though you didn't come right out and say that, is no different than wanting a mother to rehome her children.

^^^ this.  she is a package deal, couldn't have said it better!  dogs and babies are not like cats, you can't leave them alone and go spend the night at your boyfriend's house or kick them to the curb and go live with your boyfriend

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Speaking as a dog owner with kids, I advised you to never have kids and never have dogs.  They are messy, destroy things, and beyond noisy.  Sure, they will love you with every fiber in their being and bring endless meaning to your life.  But that's not for you.  You two are incompatible.

My dog opened my heart so much that it made room in my world, and I got with the love of my life.  And I loved my life and very proud of it, but having kids, I truly felt like I knew the meaning of life then.  

And it's okay to never want kids or pets.  I just don't think you two will work out.

I'm on year three for allergy shots now btw.

The image is of my hub's who never owned a dog, didn't ever want a dog, but now is a sad clown if she doesn't sleep with him.

dog.jpg

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I've resided in suburban houses all my life.

I grew up having a backyard dog during my childhood.  My parents didn't do anything with the dog other than feed it.  There were no walks, human interaction, regular grooming and the like. 

During the early years of my marriage, my husband and I owned birds, cats, a dog and aquarium fish.  Our young sons had lizards in a terrarium and a hamster. 

We've since owned several indoor dogs along the way.

My beloved Golden Retriever passed away 3 years ago and I miss her sorely everyday.  She was calm, quiet, extremely intelligent, always eager to please, possessed incredible self control, extremely well behaved and the model dog.  I give her the highest praise because she was of noble character and would put many human beings to shame.  She received outstanding care from us including plenty of daily exercise, two 45 minute walks per day rain or shine.  I made her a doggy raincoat!  I cooked homemade dog food for her.  I brushed her coat 3x day, she went to the professional groomer's regularly, my husband brushed her teeth every night, cleaned her ears, she was wiped, cleaned and sanitized EVERYWHERE throughout the day.  She was trained and of 'Guide Dog' for the blind caliber.  I kept her so clean she didn't know what dirt was!  Her paws were cleaned upon entry to the house 6x day.  We don't wear shoes indoors.  She was never on the furniture nor did she ever want to be on the furniture except her extra large dog bed on the floor.  She never begged for table scraps, never jumped on us and had impeccable manners.  One of the saddest days of my life was the day man's or woman's best friend passed away at age 14.  Whenever I think of her, I really can't praise any human being as much as I can praise my late dog. 

My furry pal transformed me into a dog lover. 

Having said that, I doubt that my husband and I will own another dog.  Our previous dog set the bar so high that I doubt I'll find another as good as her but that's not the main reason.  As much as we loved her with utmost devotion as much as the loyalty and love she gave us thousandfold, we want an easier life with less time consuming responsibilities.  We've honored our 14 commitment to give her a great life and we keep moving forward by keeping busy as pet-less.  I see a lot of dog walkers in my neighborhood and admire other dog owners but my husband and I are done regarding pet ownership. 

The freedom to come and go as we please, not worry about kenneling or dog sitting while we're not home, not having to race back home to let the dog out or feed it, not having veterinary and dog food expenses and more TIME is something my husband and I savor nowadays. 

Like you, my mortgage is paid off, I own my house free and clear.  I'm a clean freak and a neat freak.  I no longer tolerate fur and dander.  My allergies are nowhere near as bad as if was before. 

I've outgrown dog ownership.  Been there done that.  However, I enjoy other people's pets occasionally.  My sister has 2 dogs and after being at her house with ear piercing barking noises, I've had my fill and ready to go back to my quiet, dog-less, cleaner house. 

Don't move in together.  Change the dynamic of your boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with new enforced boundaries.  If you can't compromise, then you don't have a long term future with your girlfriend.  Remain realistic, practical and move on. 

 

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11 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

’ve thought of the same things and come to the same conclusion “self centered”!

What other problems have you two had?

I am sensing this is not just about the dogs. You seem very resentful of her so I am wondering what else is contributing to this. 

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4 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

^^^ this.  she is a package deal, couldn't have said it better!  dogs and babies are not like cats, you can't leave them alone and go spend the night at your boyfriend's house or kick them to the curb and go live with your boyfriend

Hold up!

 

Surely we aren’t comparing a dog to a child here? You couldn’t just put a toddler into foster care and think of it the same way as giving a dog to a new owner? Surely not!

 

A dog will survive quite fine if left alone during the night. They are mostly wolves, genetically. If they have a space where they can access to go to the toilet it won’t hurt them. If you left a baby alone and went out for 8 hours well… my God, you would be a monster and potentially have a murdered baby on your hands. There have been horrendous documented cases of terrible people leaving babies in cribs and going out to come home to nightmare consequences. How on earth could the two ever compare?

 

Baffled! Might be an unpopular opinion amongst dog owners but dogs are nothing like children. If given half the chance even the most pampered pooch would hunt down a small wild animal and be able to sleep out and survive, you just surely cannot say the same for a tiny baby or toddler; it doesn’t even need pointing out! 
 

I realise people get extremely attached to their dogs, and dogs give a lot of connection and companionship in return, but let’s not kid ourselves, babies and dogs do not fall into the same category of care and need hierarchy! 
 

My father in law often says to me, half serious, that his cockapoo takes more looking after than my 11 month old baby. Are you on this planet? Have you been a father?! To a human?! 
 

Doggo culture is I’m afraid a pet peeve of mine! They are not babies! Some of them are very powerful animals and domesticated or not are capable of killing a child, or even an adult for that matter. 
 

I also think material things like a house and possessions are just that - you can’t take them with you. What matters most is the people you love. But this is really getting in the way of you both. Maybe time to have a hard conversation about her dogs and dog mama plans!

 

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You seem very angry at her, why?  She came with the 3 dogs and you chose to be with her.  The dogs don't seem to have prevented the progression of your relationship.  Frankly, this surprises me - with your negative feelings about her animals, it seems like they would have already come between you.  

That said, you still don't need to sacrifice the lifestyle you've worked hard to have in order to live with her and her dogs. 

Just live separately, if you want to stay together.  

I still have to ask "why" though.  You are mad.  

 

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I would lay off the money and material stuff, and go with the allergies.

Nobody should have to live with something that triggers those, it can actually be deadly.

Keep seeing one another and help her find HER new place, but I'd put my foot down on the dog visits for health reasons. If she argues with that, then this is someone without your best interests in mind, and you can do better.

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13 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Speaking as a dog owner with kids, I advised you to never have kids and never have dogs.  They are messy, destroy things, and beyond noisy.  Sure, they will love you with every fiber in their being and bring endless meaning to your life.  But that's not for you.  You two are incompatible.

My dog opened my heart so much that it made room in my world, and I got with the love of my life.  And I loved my life and very proud of it, but having kids, I truly felt like I knew the meaning of life then.  

And it's okay to never want kids or pets.  I just don't think you two will work out.

I'm on year three for allergy shots now btw.

The image is of my hub's who never owned a dog, didn't ever want a dog, but now is a sad clown if she doesn't sleep with him.

dog.jpg

Awwww is that an Australian blue heeler? They're very smart and loyal dogs.

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Look dude you are allowed to feel any way you happen to feel about dogs or any other things. There is nothing wrong with not being a dog person or not wanting dogs in your house. However as your girlfriend is such a big dog lover, I'm sure she made no secret of it right from the start. To people who are huge pet lovers those pets actually are like their child. You love them deeply and that's why people often say a pet is "part of the family".

You don't have to like dogs but you also can't tell your girlfriend that she can't have dogs or needs to have them only outside. She came WITH the dogs, just like people come with kids. If you don't like that someone has dogs or has kids for example, what you should do is not date that person. You don't honestly expect that she would get rid of the dogs? She loves them, she wants to have them. Maybe it's wrong she's keeping them in a small apartment but you knew that part as well. 

It seems to me somehow you were expecting that it was her that so drastically would change her life for you as to actually give her dogs up? She didn't lie to you and hide them from you, she was upfront about her love of dogs and even that she wants more. You just don't really have a choice here except to break up with her because you really don't match on this issue at all. She wants to have many dogs, you don't want to have ANY dogs. It's basically the same level of compatibility as someone wanting kids and the other person not wanting them.

Edited by Tinydance
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16 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

My dog opened my heart so much that it made room in my world, and I got with the love of my life.

^^ this.  No, a pet will never be the same as a kiddo, but I firmly believe they were put here on earth to teach us about love and loss.  The universe designed our beloved pets to not last as long as we do, or our kids do, because they are an essential part of the world we live in and they lead us to truths we cannot discover without their demonstrations.  I was a pet hater in my early years.  I could not understand why people sacrificed their lives and spent so much money on them.  Then we had a doggo come back to us from hubby's and daughter's past!  And I fell in love!  Irrevocably... and after experiencing this kind of unconditional love, I was a changed woman.  I could never feel the disdain for a pet again.  I became one of those spoiler people that I formerly cast aspersions on.  Go figure.

So YMMV, but the bottom line is:  nothing wrong with being a responsible pet owner and the benefits are great, as long as all parties are on the same page

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51 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

^^ this.  No, a pet will never be the same as a kiddo, but I firmly believe they were put here on earth to teach us about love and loss.  The universe designed our beloved pets to not last as long as we do, or our kids do, because they are an essential part of the world we live in and they lead us to truths we cannot discover without their demonstrations.  I was a pet hater in my early years.  I could not understand why people sacrificed their lives and spent so much money on them.  Then we had a doggo come back to us from hubby's and daughter's past!  And I fell in love!  Irrevocably... and after experiencing this kind of unconditional love, I was a changed woman.  I could never feel the disdain for a pet again.  I became one of those spoiler people that I formerly cast aspersions on.  Go figure.

So YMMV, but the bottom line is:  nothing wrong with being a responsible pet owner and the benefits are great, as long as all parties are on the same page

Hey Spinster,

 

This is a very spiritual or religious way of looking at it!

 

I would say, we domesticated the wolf, which is a fact of evolution, for protection and hunting. Dogs have been used for hunting and war just like horses for thousands and thousands of years. 
 

Modern day humans, we like them for companionship. Which I am sure so many early domestications of the dog provided also. A man’s best friend is probably true!

 

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On 7/24/2022 at 7:43 PM, NIN2000 said:

Her dream is to win the lotto, buy a large house and adopt 8 dogs from the local dog pound.

Her "dream" is to use you as her lotto ticket, big house and dog kennel. She doesn't care about you at all. You're just an easy opportunity. She loves her dogs, not you. Otherwise she would act responsible about their care/behaviors and your health. She's a 40 y/o 14 y/o. Get rid of her asap.

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And a responsible pet owner makes it clear to the men she gets involved with what her level of dedication is (I say this because I don't think anyone would ask someone to give up a child for a relationship -- "you move in but your 4 year old can't - find a boarding school") - but sometimes pets are more of a gray area including amount of pets/future plans, etc. 

I have a friend who I've known for 25 years and since she moved out of her parents house she always had more than one cat -up to 5 cats.  I don't know how she did this but I visited her many times and never detected any odor related to her pets.  (I'm a cat lover, had one for 15 years or so growing up).  She is a doting cat mom and also firm about "discipline".

She got married about 10 years ago and I know her direct style - and I know she told him the deal -the cat-package deal.  They bought a house  together and they have about 5 cats.  I loved that she was 100% up front from the beginning and it was take it or leave it. He had no pets.  He took it, he seems happy -it can work with proper communication and responsibility.  

There are enough issues that can come up later that can test compatibility so I agree with all the others it's baffling this is only coming up now. I would think if there's any serious talk the couple speaks about geography/living arrangements even if there are no plans to move in together pre-marriage.

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The way I see it, people can have as many pets as they like if they love pets. If they want to have fifty lizards, sure, why not? Lol People also don't have to like or want pets and that's perfectly fine too. What is not going to go well is two people with completely different views on pets dating and trying to be in a serious relationship.

I think to pet lovers, their pets are not a "grey area". They have a bond with the pet (s) and love them. I guarantee you that being told: "Well, it's not your child, it's just a dog" will NOT go down well. One of my friends' pet budgies actually just died and she was so sad. She buried it and even said a speech for it. And this was a bird, not a cat or a dog. I understand some people just aren't pet people so maybe they can't relate. But that doesn't mean they should think that pets are just a nuisance and that person has to get rid of them. 

Besides, nobody HAS to do anything for their partner. People are allowed to have their own hobbies, pets, lifestyle choices, etc. If other people don't like their choices, they don't actually have to date them.

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5 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I think to pet lovers, their pets are not a "grey area".

Yes it is a gray area in my world as I know pet owners who give up their pets when they have children - my friend rehomed her cats because back then the concern was cats getting into the crib, I know people who move or downsize and rehome pets, all sorts of things. My friend who rehomed her cats then got other cats later on - and she loves her cats and it was a horribly hard choice for her. She is a huge pet lover.  Her priority was the safety of her baby. So the  cats were rehomed.

Also if a child develops an allergy the pet can be rehomed if allergy shots arent going to work.  I see many people who adopted pandemic puppies so to speak now rehoming them.  Are they responsible pet owners- I don't know the individual situation.  I know of no parents who had babies during the pandemic (meaning let's say they had more time to have sex during lockdown lol) and then being like -oh you know pandemic is over, gotta go back to work, let's rehome the baby"

But I've never heard in normal course of events someone giving up their child or rehoming them because they had another child, or remarried, or moved.  

Edited by Batya33
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11 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I think to pet lovers, their pets are not a "grey area".

Yes, I think that is true for many - and what matters most is that for OP's girlfriend it is absolutely the case. 

Whether or not the rest of us like pets or think it's a grey area (or not)  is irrelevant, really. OP and his girlfriend have polar opposite views and neither is wrong. It just renders them totally incompatible as a long-term, cohabiting couple 

Edited by MissCanuck
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2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, I think that is true for many - and what matters most is that for OP's girlfriend it is absolutely the case. 

Whether or not the rest of us like pets or think it's a grey area (or not)  is irrelevant, really. OP and his girlfriend have polar opposite views and neither is wrong. It just renders them totally incompatible as a long-term, cohabiting couple 

Yes very true -good point -and unless she misled him seems to me he knew the package deal aspect shortly after he met her.

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5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes it is a gray area in my world as I know pet owners who give up their pets when they have children - my friend rehomed her cats because back then the concern was cats getting into the crib, I know people who move or downsize and rehome pets, all sorts of things. My friend who rehomed her cats then got other cats later on - and she loves her cats and it was a horribly hard choice for her. She is a huge pet lover.  Her priority was the safety of her baby. So the  cats were rehomed.

Also if a child develops an allergy the pet can be rehomed if allergy shots arent going to work.  I see many people who adopted pandemic puppies so to speak now rehoming them.  Are they responsible pet owners- I don't know the individual situation.  I know of no parents who had babies during the pandemic (meaning let's say they had more time to have sex during lockdown lol) and then being like -oh you know pandemic is over, gotta go back to work, let's rehome the baby"

But I've never heard in normal course of events someone giving up their child or rehoming them because they had another child, or remarried, or moved.  

Well if we're discussing in terms of allergy then pet lovers shouldn't date someone with allergies because they know they'd need to get rid of their pets for that person. So in OP's case, for some reason both him and his girlfriend went more than a year dating without thinking about any of these things. I'm actually getting the sense that they both thought: "Well the other person will just adjust to suit ME and all will be fine". Sounds like the girlfriend thought OP will just take a lot of antihistamines or something so her dogs can live there. And OP thought she'd just get rid of her dogs. They both just expected the other person to drastically change their life and beliefs for them.

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I dated someone who had a previous live-in girlfriend, that came with 2 small dogs.  They had been broken up for close to a year, but when she moved out, she couldn't take the dogs to her new apartment.  He still (reluctantly) had the dogs. 

He traveled extensively for work and a young neighbor girl stayed at his home for up to 2 weeks at time, dog sitting.  At some point he recognized that this wasn't going to work, and he spent weeks working on rehoming the dogs.  

After the dogs were gone, he (in a very gaslit way) told me since he got rid of the dogs to free himself up for me, he wanted to know when I would get rid of my two cats?!  As if we had some sort of  agreement?  I reeled backwards.  I was instantly teary eyed and told him that would never, ever happen and it was never an agreement.  He backed down but the cats were always an issue for him.

Not a choice I would ever consider to making, and I wouldn't date someone who would ask such a thing. (again)

Edited by reinventmyself
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4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well if we're discussing in terms of allergy then pet lovers shouldn't date someone with allergies because they know they'd need to get rid of their pets for that person. So in OP's case, for some reason both him and his girlfriend went more than a year dating without thinking about any of these things. I'm actually getting the sense that they both thought: "Well the other person will just adjust to suit ME and all will be fine". Sounds like the girlfriend thought OP will just take a lot of antihistamines or something so her dogs can live there. And OP thought she'd just get rid of her dogs. They both just expected the other person to drastically change their life and beliefs for them.

I know of a number of people for whom allergies is not a dealbreaker. 

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11 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

^^ this.  No, a pet will never be the same as a kiddo, but I firmly believe they were put here on earth to teach us about love and loss.  The universe designed our beloved pets to not last as long as we do, or our kids do, because they are an essential part of the world we live in and they lead us to truths we cannot discover without their demonstrations.  I was a pet hater in my early years.  I could not understand why people sacrificed their lives and spent so much money on them.  Then we had a doggo come back to us from hubby's and daughter's past!  And I fell in love!  Irrevocably... and after experiencing this kind of unconditional love, I was a changed woman.  I could never feel the disdain for a pet again.  I became one of those spoiler people that I formerly cast aspersions on.  Go figure.

So YMMV, but the bottom line is:  nothing wrong with being a responsible pet owner and the benefits are great, as long as all parties are on the same page

Hey Spinster,

 

This is a very spiritual or religious way of looking at it!

 

I would say, we domesticated the wolf, which is a fact of evolution pushed by us for our own needs, for protection and hunting. Dogs have been used for hunting and war just like horses for thousands and thousands of years. 
 

Modern day humans, we like them for companionship. Which I am sure so many early domestications of the dog provided also. A man’s best friend is probably true!

 

I mean, I’m sorry to derail this from the OP but, a dog is an animal. Some parts of the world eat them. It’s not that I am heartless - I think they should be given the best care, love, time and respect any owner can give. But pigs are far more intelligent, and we don’t cherish them in the same way. And we eat them without thought. I mean, they are so similar to us genetically that pig hearts have been used in human organ donation. 
 

What I have noticed is, to part an owner with a beloved dog is deeply hard for them, and they won’t do it easily, and for nothing. True dog lovers are deeply passionate about their animals and this thread confirms it can be a make or break thing when a dog or dogs get in the way of relationships.

 

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