Wedding Question

[Alex39]

My good friend from college- a guy and I have been friends for 10 years. After college, we managed to keep in touch and we see each other a few times a year. A year ago I received a save the date for his wedding, which is this year, coming up in a few short months. I haven't seen his future wife since before covid, nor have I seen him, due to covid, but we text here and there. I've only met her once. 

I'm very excited to go to his wedding. 

I just got the wedding invitation.  I plan to rsvp yes. 

But now I feel weird. I sat waiting for an invite to the bridal shower. It's getting closer and closer to the wedding and I thought it weird I wasn't getting an invite. Usually you invite all women invited to the wedding to the shower. You may not know some of your fiancé's family or friends, but I was under the impression that you invite every woman. 

I go onto their registry and see that most stuff has been bought. I found that odd. So I go on Facebook and see that she has her shower a few days ago. I wasn't invited. 

I'm confused why I was invited to the wedding, but not the bridal shower? 

And it wasn't that she was keeping it small. I saw in pictures she rented a huge room and it was full of women. 

Is this weird? Should I even go to the wedding now? 

I know I haven't seen them since before covid, so maybe things are weird. 

[MissCanuck]

21 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Usually you invite all women invited to the wedding to the shower.

I have never heard of this. 

I've never been to a bridal shower where every single female guest was invited. In my experience, it's always limited to family and closer friends of the bride. 

It's not weird at all that you weren't invited. You are not close to the bride. You might want to adjust your expectations here. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

 I just got the wedding invitation.  I plan to rsvp yes. 

You're not the bride's friend. Take a date to the wedding or if it's not a plus one invite, mingle with people there.

[melancholy123]

Agree, you aren't the bride's friend so you don't get invited.  I too have never ever heard all the women get invited to a shower.  I think you are mistaken with that idea.

If you are that offended, stay home.

[Tinydance]

I'm pretty sure it's not common to invite every single woman going to the wedding to the bridal shower? I think the bride only invites her own friends (sometimes just close friends) and close family. Some women coming to the wedding are only friends of the groom or in fact plus ones of other people. Often there are a number of women at the wedding that the bride doesn't even really know.

I think a bridal shower isn't necessarily meant to be a huge thing with like 50 women there. Some women prefer a smaller bridal shower.

From your posts it sounds like you get offended very easily if you're not invited or included in things? Some things/events actually don't warrant an invite for you so I think there's no need to be offended about it.

[Batya33]

I agree with all this.  And why do you want to go - is it just that you want the invite so you can turn it down? Aren't you glad you can save $ and time? Who will you know there?

I remember in 1996 my now husband and I were dating - round one -we worked together and his colleague who I also knew was getting married.  I met her fiancee a couple of times.  We were invited to the wedding.  The shower was going to be in another city -like a 2 hour train ride. The bride told me -very politely - of course I could come but it really was going to be mostly family and her friends from her former city/hometown so she told me not to make the trip. 

Now I know that she was really just being polite -we worked at the same company and she worked with my then boyfriend so she didn't want me to feel excluded but she probably didn't want me there because she'd feel obligated to be a good hostess, etc.  I didn't go which was fine with me -I wasn't familiar with all the shower eitquette either. 

Please stop standing on ceremony with these silly extra-wedding events. You're invited to the wedding ceremony and the reception, yes? Do you want to support your friend -the groom is your main friend? - then show up. 

Shift your focus away from your Miss Manners notions and stop checking up on her registry (maybe she bought all the stuff herself who knows) and her extra-wedding plans.  She may be having multiple showers and a bachelorette party and a rehearsal dinner etc - none of your business. 

Go to the event to which you were invited if you feel like it.  Show up, look nice, be nice, be supportive by smiling and applauding when appropriate, make yourself useful if the flower girl steps on her train and no one but you sees it, etc.  That is all.  

Also are you friends with her on Facebook? Why are you checking up on her FB -does she post on your FB and keep in touch with you?

[Kwothe28]

Pretty sure its not all female guests, that would be insane for big weddings. It would be like a wedding on its own lol. You are not close to bride so there was no need for invite. That is perfectly fine. Just go to wedding and bring them a gift there. There is no need to pout out over this. You only met the bride once, you are really not even a friends in a sense of thst word.

[Seraphim]

Bridal shower guests are the bride’s close family and friends . 

[Rose Mosse]

5 hours ago, Alex39 said:

My good friend from college- a guy and I have been friends for 10 years. After college, we managed to keep in touch and we see each other a few times a year. A year ago I received a save the date for his wedding, which is this year, coming up in a few short months. I haven't seen his future wife since before covid, nor have I seen him, due to covid, but we text here and there. I've only met her once. 

I'm very excited to go to his wedding. 

I just got the wedding invitation.  I plan to rsvp yes. 

But now I feel weird. I sat waiting for an invite to the bridal shower. It's getting closer and closer to the wedding and I thought it weird I wasn't getting an invite. Usually you invite all women invited to the wedding to the shower. You may not know some of your fiancé's family or friends, but I was under the impression that you invite every woman. 

I go onto their registry and see that most stuff has been bought. I found that odd. So I go on Facebook and see that she has her shower a few days ago. I wasn't invited. 

I'm confused why I was invited to the wedding, but not the bridal shower? 

And it wasn't that she was keeping it small. I saw in pictures she rented a huge room and it was full of women. 

Is this weird? Should I even go to the wedding now? 

I know I haven't seen them since before covid, so maybe things are weird. 

No, it’s not weird. As others mentioned you are not close with the bride. There is no obligation to invite you to the bridal shower. 

[Alex39]

Thank you all for responding.  I wasn't sure myself. I have been to showers with 50 and 60 people. So I just assumed everyone was invited. 

[tattoobunnie]

8 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Usually you invite all women invited to the wedding to the shower

repeated statements.

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Thank you all for responding.  I wasn't sure myself. I have been to showers with 50 and 60 people. So I just assumed everyone was invited. 

I hope you enjoy the wedding/reception and celebrations. It sounds like you've been looking forward to it. Don't let this bring you down. 

[Alex39]

I appreciate the insight. I definitely understand why I wasn't invited and I know she and I aren't close. I think it's not so much feeling disappointed at not bring invited. I think I'm hoping so much to try and get out there and make new girl friends and I saw that as an opportunity to talk to new women. So it was more hopeful. 

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I appreciate the insight. I definitely understand why I wasn't invited and I know she and I aren't close. I think it's not so much feeling disappointed at not bring invited. I think I'm hoping so much to try and get out there and make new girl friends and I saw that as an opportunity to talk to new women. So it was more hopeful. 

Then do activities where you can do that - I think I mentioned to you volunteering backstage at community theater.  I used to volunteer at the local NPR station for their fundraising -I took phone calls from donors (which I haven't done since the pandemic but hope to again). 

 I have found those events hit or miss -I've been to several kids bday parties where I met other moms - some were very cliquey. Also since you're single and have no kids assume that bridal showers attract lots of married women/women with kids because often they can bring them along - certainly I had many married and parent friends when I was single but not where I connected with them at an event so focused on the material things a newlywed needs or wants.  

Around 9 years ago I took my son to a bday party for a slightly younger child -I was friends with the mom.  My son had gone to the same kind of fancy preschool as some of the kids who were there but earlier in time. 

Anyway I see a small group of moms chatting who I don't know at all.  I checked them out and predicted they were all from that fancy school.  Those parents when my son went were just like that.  Different people, same attitude.  I was literally standing right near them -maybe even said hi -or commented on the decor or whatever - nope.  They were content to be with their clique.  It's very typical at a party or shower. 

By contrast if you do volunteer work many of the people are there for a common cause or activity and it's natural to want to mingle and engage in conversation beyond "ohhhh her theme is just like this shower I went to in April" or "isn't it great that this doesn't have to be virtual??? I actually did the back of my hair too today cause it wasn't on Zoom!!!"  Scintillating, yes? 

[melancholy123]

Agree volunteering its a great way to meet people.  personally I avoid showers of any kind unless to wash myself!  

[Capricorn3]

9 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

  personally I avoid showers of any kind unless to wash myself!  

Me too! 😄

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

Agree volunteering its a great way to meet people.  personally I avoid showers of any kind unless to wash myself!  

Yes -I've always found them so boring and so focused on boring materialistic stuff.  Vapid convos very often.  I so loved the Sex and the City baby shower where Charlotte freaks out that her pregnant friend stole her baby name idea -and Charlotte of course wasn't pregnant.  LOL.  And the diaper bouquet and Miranda's reaction to it.  

When I got married -and OP -don't fall over -I did NOT have a big wedding reception, no theme either (well one sort of theme - for the borrowed and blue thing I wore blue cause I was having a boy!!!) - and my two girlfriends asked if I wanted a shower or dinner with them.  I chose the latter.  No brainer.  So fun. 

Just the three of us at a farm to table place.  Oh -and again - so traditional of me -I wore a borrowed veil - my coworker lent it to me as she'd gotten divorced. I know I know bad luck.  Married since 2008 -so far so good lol.  Gorgeous veil.  Went well with the blue dress and draped nicely over my baby bump.

Our wedding guests were our parents, my sister, one cousin, our dear friend/future godfather for our baby, the wedding officiant and his wife.  I'm giving the TMI because OP you seem so wedded to these notions of what should be done with a wedding, a shower, who should be invited, etc.  Or who pays for what.  Etc etc.  My wedding was awesome.  The lunch after was awesome and yes we had a wedding cake.  No one complained about not being invited and remember we only invited one cousin and one friend.  (which to you would be a severe breach of etiquette?)

Also it's not about you - you're harping on a bride's decision to be selective in who she invited to her shower -or who her friend who hosted invited, etc but in reality it's because you wanted to be able to expand your social opportunities.  Do it yourself. 

Avail yourself of social opportunities where you are contributing more than just another air fryer off a registry.  And where your presence is truly wanted and not just obligatory -because if she had invited you that would have been the reason, right?

[melancholy123]

We had a hearty party in our backyard with friends when we got married.  My mother was horrified, but too bad.  She wanted to take us out for dinner and I said no. we are having a party.  We had a sort of pot luck, lots of music, nobody got dressed up and it was a hell of a lot of fun!

Baby and bridal showers are the most boring things I can think of.

[Batya33]

If I may share -my mom and I went to a bridal shower once at a really fancy house where the bride's family hired a really expensive and apparently well known caterer to do a traditional English tea (this was in the US).  My mom and I love food but don't eat large portions.  We were there for 4 hours and traveled there and back over an hour.  They served those teensy weensy finger sandwiches and chocolate truffles.  Maybe cake??  OMG.  When we got back to the train station near our house  and raced to the pizza place across the street and chowed down!

[Cherylyn]

No, it's not weird.  Bridal showers are for the bride's friends, colleagues, some neighbors, relatives and future in-laws.  You are not one of them. I'm sorry but this is the reality of the situation and completely normal.  Not all women are invited to the bridal shower.   You've never met his fiancee.  She and you are complete strangers.  It would actually be very weird had you been invited to the bridal shower.  Your impression was wrong.

Yes, be a good sport and attend the wedding.  Don't pout over this.  It's not worth moping. 

The MOST appreciated gift is money which can be given online or gift cards inserted in a wedding greeting card.  I would affix a large bow on the taped  and sealed envelope so it won't get lost, dropped or accidentally misplaced.  Don't forget to write your home address on the envelope AND inside on the wedding greeting card in case the envelope gets separated.  Online giving such as a VISA gift card is safer.  You can send it via text, email or messenger.  Money is the most practical and most appreciated gift of all.

[Cherylyn]

Both my bridal and baby showers consisted of close friends, former classmates, relatives and future in-laws.  No one else.  Food was plentiful, generous, home made and very delicious.  I received great gifts which I still use to this day.  For example, my food processor has been a real work horse and I use my microwave oven to warm up leftovers all the time.  I was given other appliances, my MIL gave me a gorgeous traveling cosmetic case, furniture which survived several moves to various houses, TVs and I appreciated all of it.  I received money for both bridal and baby showers.  For baby showers, I received items for me, the baby, nursery, fancy stroller from my mother and after babies were born, I received delicious home cooked meals from friends, neighbors, my sister and mother for years!  All of this much appreciated care came from those whom I knew and felt close to.  I received a lot of great wedding gifts and lots of money which went towards groceries, items for our apartment and houses. 

[Capricorn3]

12 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

We had a hearty party in our backyard with friends when we got married.  My mother was horrified, but too bad.  She wanted to take us out for dinner and I said no. we are having a party.  We had a sort of pot luck, lots of music, nobody got dressed up and it was a hell of a lot of fun!

Baby and bridal showers are the most boring things I can think of.

You sound like my twin, lol. We had about 15 family members only (many others were overseas). Had a little backyard do.  "Honeymoon" was 4 days camping and then back to work. There was never a bridal shower nor any baby showers.

[melancholy123]

haha!  We had maybe 30 people. thankfully only 5 were actual relatives  🙂. We made sure to invite the neighbours so they didnt call the copts!  We drove down to the east coast of Canada with our dog for a honeymoon and had a great time.  We are not your typical people to do your typical t things and stand on tradition.

[Alex39]

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If I may share -my mom and I went to a bridal shower once at a really fancy house where the bride's family hired a really expensive and apparently well known caterer to do a traditional English tea (this was in the US).  My mom and I love food but don't eat large portions.  We were there for 4 hours and traveled there and back over an hour.  They served those teensy weensy finger sandwiches and chocolate truffles.  Maybe cake??  OMG.  When we got back to the train station near our house  and raced to the pizza place across the street and chowed down!

Don't get me wrong, I love a good party. But a good party to me is tons of great food. So I'm not the fussy upper crust girl that likes finger sandwiches either. 

[poorlittlefish]

On 6/29/2022 at 8:56 AM, Alex39 said:

I haven't seen his future wife since before covid, nor have I seen him, due to covid, but we text here and there. I've only met her once. 

You've met this woman only once and you're upset you weren't invited to her shower?! I would never dream of inviting someone who is basically a stranger to me.