Forced to divorce due to wife’s addiction

[Lp86]

Hi everyone. New to this site today. I’ll be honest when I say I feel kind of desperate posting here. I’m feeling so angry, so sad, and so alone and can’t seem to find any place to just vent and to talk to people who I don’t have to face every day in real life. Please don’t take offense, I just can’t believe I basically want to come a place online where I can proverbially cry about my life right now. 
 

I’ve been married to my wife for 4 years. She’s a talented, funny, beautiful, intelligent woman. She’s also addicted to heroin. Her drug issues predate our relationship; however, she’d been clean for 5 years when we got married. She didn’t disclose these problems until after 6+ months of dating. It was a total shock. You would never guess it based on the clean version of her, the person who has everything together. By then I was already in love with her and despite my better judgment I allowed myself to convince myself that she was fine and it was all behind her. I was wrong. She relapsed about 3 years ago and it’s been hell for me ever since. 
 

Shes 18 weeks pregnant with our first child. It was not planned - I’d never intentionally do that given the circumstances. She hid it from me and continued to use drugs for the first 12 weeks. She eventually confessed and agreed to do whatever she needed to do to get off the heroin. She is under doctors’ care and taking a maintenance prescription opiate drug, which is what is advised during pregnancy. 
 

I am so angry at her and at myself. I’ve decided that I have no choice but to divorce her in horsed to protect our child. She’s not doing anything to prove that she’s dedicated to getting clean but she has this fantasy that she’s just going to be a normal, capable, stable mother. I’m terrified of my child being taken away because she is deemed unfit and I happen to be married to her/in same household still. I don’t use any drugs, never have. I can’t even have a casual drink anymore because Im so hyper focused on trying to stay in control of the situation with her all the time. 
 

I moved out of our home because I just can’t be around her right now but I am in contact with her daily, go to all of her doctor appointments, and am starting to get prepared for what’s in store as most likely a single dad to a newborn baby. This is is my first baby so I have no idea what I’m doing.

Despite everything I’m just so sad. I still love her and I still see pieces of the person I married somewhere in there. I wish we could just be a normal married couple without this huge problem in our lives and raise our child together as a family like how I used to imagine it’s be someday. I’m scared for how this will affect my child as he or she grow up. I’m trying to hold it all together but I’m really a mess inside. This is really difficult for me to talk about with people I know. I’ve spent so long covering up for her (enabling her unintentionally) that it’s deeply uncomfortable to be completely transparent with people.
 

I don’t know what I’m looking for by posting this, but thanks for listening anyway. 

[MissCanuck]

I'm really sorry you're in this situation, OP. 

49 minutes ago, Lp86 said:

I moved out of our home because I just can’t be around her right now

I can understand why you want space from her, but I would strongly recommend you consult a lawyer if you haven't done so already. You don't want your absence to be used against you later on, so please get legal counsel to make sure you are covered. 

51 minutes ago, Lp86 said:

I’m terrified of my child being taken away because she is deemed unfit

Again, you need a lawyer. Start making your case now to ensure you can prove to a court that you are fit and able to care for the baby on your own. Don't delay this. Your fear that the baby will be taken from her (and you) is a very real one, so it's imperative that you begin building a solid case for yourself immediately. 

54 minutes ago, Lp86 said:

I’m scared for how this will affect my child as he or she grow up. I’m trying to hold it all together but I’m really a mess inside.

It can and will affect your child. There is essentially zero chance that growing up with an addicted mother will not have an impact - but you can do everything in your power to mitigate that and make sure the child has a healthy and stable home environment with you. I would encourage you to make an appointment with a therapist to help you navigate this, preferably one with experience in addiction. You need all the support you can get.  

[melancholy123]

I agree, get a lawyer asap.  You really need guidance here.

A therapist could be beneficial too, help you sort out your feelings and figure out what to do.

I'm sorry you are in this mess, I hope you can find clarity somehow.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Lp86 said:

I’m scared for how this will affect my child as he or she grow up. 

Don't talk to friends. Talk to professionals. An attorney, your physician and get a referral to a qualified therapist. An opiate addicted pregnant woman is not a DIY situation.  You need support groups for those who enable drug addicts such as Nar-Anon. And professional help for yourself.

[Batya33]

I also am so sorry you are going through this.  I agree with arming yourself with professionals and also community resources -these professionals can help with that and/or reach out in your community -maybe even AA will know of some, etc. 

I went on 4 dates with a recovering drug addict in 2005.  He told me he was active in AA and had been clean/sober for I believe well over a year -maybe two.  I remember my mom meeting him and telling me - she sensed something off about him -kind of lack of affect. No, he wasn't using, yes he was employed, yes he was kind and very smart -but there was something missing -something blank -and it did concern me that he might turn back to drugs (yes he told me of course relapse is a risk with drug addicts). 

I realized I wasn't that into him and didn't want to take that sort of risk . I believe later on he did relapse (social media posts).  I am not judging him -I feel badly for him - but I just relate to the sense of "what?? you are a recovering addict? I'd never have been able to tell".  I get why you thought she was past her issues -of course many never use again/abuse alcohol again.

I hope the rest of the pregnancy goes smoothly and yes do what's in your own and your child's best interests.  Again I am sorry.

[Tinydance]

Well I agree with the other posters that you shouldn't be going through this alone and you need support. If you don't feel that you can bring yourself to talk about this to your friends and family, I think Nar Anon or any other charity organisations for family of addicts should be helpful. Maybe you could join some support groups and open up to people there. There is no shame in talking about your wife in those groups because everyone there is going through the same things. It might also help you to talk to a therapist.

You may be surprised though, your family and friends may be more understanding than you think. I say this as someone who went through the same thing with my ex fiance who became a drug addict. We'd already been together for 1.5 years when he became addicted to drugs. Prior to that he didn't use any substances. We had a really big engagement party and had the wedding booked. I really thought he'd eventually get help so I also didn't really tell anyone about his addiction for a long time. I felt embarrassed about it too and wanted people to think everything was OK. So I really know how you feel.

In Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous they have the belief that once you're an addict, you're actually an addict for life. But that you can make effort to actually not use your substance (s) of choice and stay clean and sober. That's why there are people who have been clean for like 10, 20, even 30 years who still go to AA and NA, because they still consider themselves an addict and always want to keep on top of the addiction.

I think it's definitely possible to overcome addiction but but it takes a lot of willpower and actually wanting to do it. The really big problem I see with your wife's addiction is that she has now been using for three years and she didn't get any help. Someone actually has to WANT to get better to overcome their addiction and it doesn't really look like she wants to.

Another problem about serious addicts is that they're really selfish. Maybe not deliberately but because of their addiction, the drugs is the number thing in life to them and anyone else comes only second. I saw that very clearly with my ex fiance and how selfish he was. He didn't care about me or our relationship anymore. All he cared about was getting and using the drugs, even if it meant spending literally all his and my money on drugs.

I think you have a very good example of how the addiction makes your wife act very selfishly. She knew she was pregnant but she hid it so that she could continue to use heroin. She cared a lot more about the drugs than her actual baby. Using drugs or alcohol is really dangerous, especially in the first trimester of pregnancy. It's good she's off the heroin now and getting help but I'm guessing she only admitted it because the pregnancy started to show?

I totally understand how you feel you still love your wife, you miss the person she used to be. I felt exactly the same about my ex fiance. I kept remembering the good times we had before the drugs took over and it was very hard to end the relationship.

I think as hard as it is though, you're making the right decision to leave your wife. It's clear she needs help but if she didn't even want to admit she was pregnant so she could continue using drugs, I think it's pretty clear where her priorities lie. The problem is can you actually trust her now? Can you trust that she can be alone with the baby and take care of it properly? As awful as it sounds, she might care more about getting high than her own child.

She can still have some custody of the child but I agree that you should be the main caregiver. It sounds like it would just be a lot safer for the wellbeing of the child. 

Unfortunately in the case of your wife, she's not one of those addicts who's clean for 10 + years. Maybe one day she could be but not now. And that's just really not fair to you and your child. 

 

[Seraphim]

I am so very sorry. I would get a lawyer now . Most likely your child will be born drug addicted and will need specialized care after they are born and may have disabilities they discover later. Make plans for your child’s care right now for when you are at work. I would go for full custody. Have everything ready and in place for your child that you can think of that will prove to a court that you are ready willing and able. Get some kind of therapy for yourself. 

[Kwothe28]

You do know she is endangering your child by using heroin during pregnancy.? To the possibility of neurological damage. And that even sharing a kid with somebody like that could result in disasterous consequences for the kid? You choosing her as somebody who you would have your child with is not really a happiest decision. For you, for kid, even for her. She is using for 3 years with you in the picture. You should have been long gone.

Anyway, what is done its done. I dont know the laws of your country. However its very rare that kids go to father. You would have to prove that she is very unfit to be a mother. "Luckily" for you, she is a heroin addict so no judge would take kindly to that. But still you would need a pretty good lawyer to prove. Also, go for full custody. Again, I dont see how she is fit to be a mother at all. You maybe did very bad decision. But you should do everything in your power that your kid first gets born properly and then taking it away from somebody like that.

[Lp86]

Thanks for the comments and advice.

I probably should have prefaced that I’m already working with a lawyer regarding both divorce and child custody. He’s great as far as the legal aspects and the facts go but he’s obviously not there for any sort of emotional support. I always end up feeling like crap after talking to him actually. I feel guilty I suppose.

I’m doing as he advised and documenting everything. He said in the case of child custody, since she’s an addict, it will not hurt for me to establish a separate, safe, stable residence away from my wife. I’m paying for everything for her right now, the house she’s living in is in my name and I pay all the bills because she has no job at this point. I’m keeping records of it all.

Honestly, I’m terrified of what will happen to her after I divorce her. No money, no health insurance. I get that I’m supposed to let her hit rock bottom but it’s so much harder than I ever imagined and I’ve not really ever succeeded. 
 

 

 

 

 

[Seraphim]

I can totally understand your fears for her. Really. However, there is an innocent baby that will be 100% reliant on you for their very survival in every way. Make them your concern. 

[Lp86]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't talk to friends. Talk to professionals. An attorney, your physician and get a referral to a qualified therapist. An opiate addicted pregnant woman is not a DIY situation.  You need support groups for those who enable drug addicts such as Nar-Anon. And professional help for yourself.

Believe me, I’m not treating it like a DIY situation. I’m working with a lawyer. Haven’t booked with a therapist yet but no doubt I need it due to how badly this has all screwed with my head. I used to be part of a naranon group. I was not ready, at the time, to commit to all of those steps, although I found several supportive people in that group nonetheless. It all sort of dissolved during COVID and I’ve never revisited it.

We have a team of doctors caring for my wife now, high risk pregnancy specialist and such. I’m consulting with them to try to gauge what to expect and prepare for that on my end. I go to every appointment because I cannot trust any of the information that comes from my wife and I know and accept that now.

[smackie9]

There are resources available at a family planning clinic. Make an appointment. There they can get you all the info you will need to raise a baby. There are most likely free classes on feeding, changing diapers, care. Plus you need to come clean with your family...let them know your situation and I'm pretty sure they will step up to the plate with you and support you. 

[Lp86]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I also am so sorry you are going through this.  I agree with arming yourself with professionals and also community resources -these professionals can help with that and/or reach out in your community -maybe even AA will know of some, etc. 

I went on 4 dates with a recovering drug addict in 2005.  He told me he was active in AA and had been clean/sober for I believe well over a year -maybe two.  I remember my mom meeting him and telling me - she sensed something off about him -kind of lack of affect. No, he wasn't using, yes he was employed, yes he was kind and very smart -but there was something missing -something blank -and it did concern me that he might turn back to drugs (yes he told me of course relapse is a risk with drug addicts). 

I realized I wasn't that into him and didn't want to take that sort of risk . I believe later on he did relapse (social media posts).  I am not judging him -I feel badly for him - but I just relate to the sense of "what?? you are a recovering addict? I'd never have been able to tell".  I get why you thought she was past her issues -of course many never use again/abuse alcohol again.

I hope the rest of the pregnancy goes smoothly and yes do what's in your own and your child's best interests.  Again I am sorry.

I’m glad you were smart enough to get out while you could. I realized a few years ago that yep, I should have walked away long before I ever married her. Now I find it impossible to do it. Long term recovery rates for heroin use are so low that they’re almost nonexistent. And I knew that going in and I let myself just pretend I didn’t know. 

[Lp86]

3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well I agree with the other posters that you shouldn't be going through this alone and you need support. If you don't feel that you can bring yourself to talk about this to your friends and family, I think Nar Anon or any other charity organisations for family of addicts should be helpful. Maybe you could join some support groups and open up to people there. There is no shame in talking about your wife in those groups because everyone there is going through the same things. It might also help you to talk to a therapist.

You may be surprised though, your family and friends may be more understanding than you think. I say this as someone who went through the same thing with my ex fiance who became a drug addict. We'd already been together for 1.5 years when he became addicted to drugs. Prior to that he didn't use any substances. We had a really big engagement party and had the wedding booked. I really thought he'd eventually get help so I also didn't really tell anyone about his addiction for a long time. I felt embarrassed about it too and wanted people to think everything was OK. So I really know how you feel.

In Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous they have the belief that once you're an addict, you're actually an addict for life. But that you can make effort to actually not use your substance (s) of choice and stay clean and sober. That's why there are people who have been clean for like 10, 20, even 30 years who still go to AA and NA, because they still consider themselves an addict and always want to keep on top of the addiction.

I think it's definitely possible to overcome addiction but but it takes a lot of willpower and actually wanting to do it. The really big problem I see with your wife's addiction is that she has now been using for three years and she didn't get any help. Someone actually has to WANT to get better to overcome their addiction and it doesn't really look like she wants to.

Another problem about serious addicts is that they're really selfish. Maybe not deliberately but because of their addiction, the drugs is the number thing in life to them and anyone else comes only second. I saw that very clearly with my ex fiance and how selfish he was. He didn't care about me or our relationship anymore. All he cared about was getting and using the drugs, even if it meant spending literally all his and my money on drugs.

I think you have a very good example of how the addiction makes your wife act very selfishly. She knew she was pregnant but she hid it so that she could continue to use heroin. She cared a lot more about the drugs than her actual baby. Using drugs or alcohol is really dangerous, especially in the first trimester of pregnancy. It's good she's off the heroin now and getting help but I'm guessing she only admitted it because the pregnancy started to show?

I totally understand how you feel you still love your wife, you miss the person she used to be. I felt exactly the same about my ex fiance. I kept remembering the good times we had before the drugs took over and it was very hard to end the relationship.

I think as hard as it is though, you're making the right decision to leave your wife. It's clear she needs help but if she didn't even want to admit she was pregnant so she could continue using drugs, I think it's pretty clear where her priorities lie. The problem is can you actually trust her now? Can you trust that she can be alone with the baby and take care of it properly? As awful as it sounds, she might care more about getting high than her own child.

She can still have some custody of the child but I agree that you should be the main caregiver. It sounds like it would just be a lot safer for the wellbeing of the child. 

Unfortunately in the case of your wife, she's not one of those addicts who's clean for 10 + years. Maybe one day she could be but not now. And that's just really not fair to you and your child. 

 

Thanks for your understanding. I think it’s hard for some people who have never loved somebody, whether romantically or not, who has these addiction issues to understand what it’s like for somebody in my position. If I was somebody else looking at me from the outside I’d think some of the things I’ve done in relationship to my wife and he issues are absolutely pathetic and ridiculous. It can really start to affect your own behavior and thought processes, I know it has mine. 
 

No matter what, my wife will always be an addict. Even though she had been clean for over 5 years when we got married, I knew she was an addict even in that moment. I accept that now. My previous involvement with NAranon has made me learn to accept some things that I have no control over. 
 

I can’t trust her to care for a baby at this time. The clean version of her, sure. She was totally together and a loving caring responsible person during those years. Now, I can’t trust her. It will take a very long time, as in years, and lots of effort on her part for me to trust her again. In our particular state there is a big push for addicted mothers to maintain some sort of safe custody of their newborn babies if possible. My lawyer doesn’t think we’ll have any trouble getting the court to award me primary custody, but there’s a chance she could have some sort of custody or unsupervised visitation, which terrifies me right now. It’s true that as a result of dealing with her and her addiction for years that I now am super hyper focused on controlling situations and trying to minimize damage, so when I have to release control I sort of go into a panic internally. My wife is very good at manipulating people and making them think she’s really putting a ton of effort in and she’d be the type who could put on a really good act for the court. She has absolutely no legal records related to her drug use this far. 
 

 

[Seraphim]

Well, her doctor knows she is an addict. All newborn babies are drug tested so the hospital will know and it will be recorded . 

[Lp86]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

You do know she is endangering your child by using heroin during pregnancy.? To the possibility of neurological damage. And that even sharing a kid with somebody like that could result in disasterous consequences for the kid? You choosing her as somebody who you would have your child with is not really a happiest decision. For you, for kid, even for her. She is using for 3 years with you in the picture. You should have been long gone.

Anyway, what is done its done. I dont know the laws of your country. However its very rare that kids go to father. You would have to prove that she is very unfit to be a mother. "Luckily" for you, she is a heroin addict so no judge would take kindly to that. But still you would need a pretty good lawyer to prove. Also, go for full custody. Again, I dont see how she is fit to be a mother at all. You maybe did very bad decision. But you should do everything in your power that your kid first gets born properly and then taking it away from somebody like that.

I’m 36 years old, college educated, and wasn’t born yesterday so yes of course I know she’s endangered the baby. The pregnancy wasn’t intentional. It wasn’t my choice to continue the pregnancy either. As harsh as it may sound, I had one opinion on what she should probably do but she had already made up her mind that she was going to have this baby whether I agreed or not. I recognize at that point I have no say about anything until the baby is actually born, and that’s what I’m preparing for. 
 

She’s no longer using heroin. She’s using a prescription opioid medication that doesn’t get her high but makes it so that she doesn’t go into withdraw. This is what the doctors advise is the safest option during pregnancy. She wishes they would ween her off of it so she can be completely clean when the baby is born but that isn’t common practice for a variety of reasons. The medication isn’t ideal but it’s far safer than heroin and usually results in the baby experiencing a shorter, less severe withdraw after birth. 
 

I don’t sleep much anymore because I’m so stressed about what my life has become. At night I usually spend time reading research articles about babies born addicted to drugs, which then leads me to reading more about all of the various cognitive or behavioral issues they might have and I start fretting about what I’m going to do about that. I’m trying to let that go for now because it’ll be hard enough watching my newborn baby going through withdraw. That’ll be the first big hurdle. Any long term effects won’t even be known for years, most likely. 
 

I’m in the US. It’s no longer rare for fathers to be awarded custody here. To be clear, I don’t want to strip her parental rights. At least not to start out with. I want to give her a chance to get her life together and to be a mother to her child. It just has to be done in a safe way that minimizes any damage to the child. She’s very upset with me right now because she thinks I’m trying to take her baby away, which isn’t what I’m trying to do.

[Lp86]

My family knows about her problems and that I’m planning to divorce her. They support me 100%. One of my sisters who is a stay at home mom has even offered to watch the baby when I have to work. I have a flexible schedule but it includes evening and weekend hours so it would be hard to find traditional daycare, especially for a newborn. I’m working as much as so can right now and will have to do so for some time since my wife ruined our finances. 

[tattoobunnie]

Grew up around crack and cocaine addicts, including my brother.  His buddy was an actual crackhead, but came from a very wealthy family who could afford to send him to rehab.  More money, better drugs.  It took 9x, and a baby where his folks got custody to clean up for good.  He's been sober along with my brother for 16 and 20 years now respectively.  It can happen, but the road there is ugly and long, and your kid deserves more.

Not that it's the same thing, but I smoked for 16 years straight, about half pack to 2/3 pack at the end.  When I found out I was prego, I dropped down to 1 a day for a week, then quit cold turkey, and haven't picked that habit back up in 11 years now.  My point, she's 18 weeks prego now...if she's not compelled to quit not, it won't happen.

You were deceived in who you were getting.  But it's also may be who she no longer thought she was.  Can I ask what has happened to her that led her back to drugs?  Or has she been hiding it for quite some time?

[Seraphim]

Your sister has a heart of gold. I am so happy you have family support . 

[Lp86]

19 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Grew up around crack and cocaine addicts, including my brother.  His buddy was an actual crackhead, but came from a very wealthy family who could afford to send him to rehab.  More money, better drugs.  It took 9x, and a baby where his folks got custody to clean up for good.  He's been sober along with my brother for 16 and 20 years now respectively.  It can happen, but the road there is ugly and long, and your kid deserves more.

Not that it's the same thing, but I smoked for 16 years straight, about half pack to 2/3 pack at the end.  When I found out I was prego, I dropped down to 1 a day for a week, then quit cold turkey, and haven't picked that habit back up in 11 years now.  My point, she's 18 weeks prego now...if she's not compelled to quit not, it won't happen.

You were deceived in who you were getting.  But it's also may be who she no longer thought she was.  Can I ask what has happened to her that led her back to drugs?  Or has she been hiding it for quite some time?

My wife is from a good family. Not extremely wealthy but they paid for multiple rehab stays in the past. They’ve been dealing with her addiction since she was a teenager. She became addicted after being prescribed opiate painkillers for an injury when she was 16.

The relapse happened about 3 years ago. An ex boyfriend of hers died from an OD. She had not been in contact with him or anyone from that time of her life for years. She found out this guy died and went to his funeral against my wishes (I didn’t want her to go because I worried about her being around people that she used drugs with in the past, not because he was an ex boyfriend). She became very depressed and just couldn’t get over the fact that this guy died even though she supposedly hadn’t talked to him in years. She would go visit his obituary online all the time and just stare at it. It was around that time that she reconnected with some other people (meaning other drug associates) from that time in her life and I think it was the perfect storm. She was only able to hide it from me for a short time. She hid it from everyone else for longer, but they weren’t living with her. She was able to “function,” as in hold her job, still go out of the house and have a social life, and look out together for about a year before she rally started to go off the rails. Even then, looking at her most people probably wouldn’t have known what problems she was dealing with. 

[boltnrun]

None of us new parents knew what we were doing in the beginning. I remember standing over my son's crib with my husband asking each other "what are we supposed to do with him?" I found it appalling that the hospital would send this innocent, helpless baby home with a couple of people who didn't know how to take care of him! But we figured it out and you will too. You already love this child (it's clear from your writing) and you have family support. You'll do well.

As for your wife, I presume you have strong codependent tendencies which is why you feel responsible if she ends up getting back on the heroin or losing visitation rights to the child. Remember, this is the life she's chosen. Unless and until she decides the baby is more important than getting high she will continue to use AND to look for excuses to use. Baby cried for two straight hours? Baby pooped its diaper right after she changed her? Clerk at the store gave her a mean look? Time to get high! Obviously rehab hasn't worked so she would need to find another solution. But so far she hasn't wanted to.  And SHE made that choice, not you.

I applaud you for already being a loving and committed father. Enjoy your wonderful child, do whatever it takes to keep her or him safe and healthy and show her or him all the love I can tell you feel. 

[Rose Mosse]

I don't have anything useful to add to the discussion that hasn't already been said. I'm glad you're speaking with a lawyer. Some of us have been in your position and found a way out or divorced as well. Just know that you are not alone. Here to add support and let you know it's ok to feel afraid. 

Speak with a therapist. It's a much safer space than unloading on friends or family. Start engaging in healthier behaviours. If you're codependent break that cycle. Find other hobbies and interests that engage you. 

And lastly, I want to tell you that there's life AFTER divorce. It may feel like the end of the world at the moment but it is not. There's more after that, a much brighter future if you want it. Best of luck and love to you and your daughter.

[SooSad33]

Welcome to ENA, it's a good place to vent, seek other's input 🙂 .

First off, I am sorry you're now stuck in such a rough situation 😕 , yes, we learn with experience when it comes to addicts, alcoholics, etc.

Whatever she does or is doing has nothing to do with you- remember that!  She's got a a real battle with this and had it before you got involved with her. So from here on, yes you need to work on accepting what is and your future with this situation.

Is totally understandable that you're reacting as you are.  You are feeling extremely challenged with no 'control' at all.  And all is blown up with how you see it.

But... it may not be as you see it now.  Things may be okay in the end.  I do feel you WILL be able to work through all of this and be a very decent, supportive father 🙂 ,  Is normal to 'react' as you are, of course.

I do suggest you seek some prof help ( therapy). They will listen and suggest some things to help you work through your issue's. etc. Please consider.

For now, you need to realize what it is you cannot 'control' and work on accepting. As well, try to turn things around on how you see it all.  That yes, things can most likely be okay.  Yes, you will be a fine parent AND yes, all you're doing is good on you!  Plus, the child will have a good amount of support, as will you....

So, although you are feeling stressed in so many ways - being pulled in all directions with your present situation, you need to go one day at a time ( my motto) 😉 .  Deal with what you can today.  Nothing much you can do about what's happening 6 mos from now. Or you end up overwhelming yourself way too much! 😕 .

So, do as you are, you're removing yourself from this relationship for your own good. Is terrible to be involved with an addict etc, yes. Time to focus on YOU now.  Remember, you matter too.  Is not all about her.

You do have a few months to work on 'getting it together', so do try & do that. Believe that you will be okay.  You can do this!  I believe you can. Because all new parents can come to feel a little overwhelmed when they see a little, tiny adorable wee one 🙂❤️ .  But, we also manage to do it! 

So, deep breathes.. ( seriously) ... and try to see it differently, not all in the negative.  Go one day at a time... what you can do 'today'. And stick around ENA... You're not alone.

TC

 

[smackie9]

It's unfortunate but some don't ever quit. My husband's friend whom we've known for over 30 years is an addict. The parents sent him to rehab numerous times, gave him a safe home and care, and he still when off the wagon, in and out of the courts for theft, possession, etc. He had a good career, a wife, family, a house, new vehicles, and that wasn't enough for him to stay sober. We had to stop caring, and ignore his friend requests because it got too much for us to see him go down hill over and over. He has nothing now, living on the streets practically. The guy is in his 50's...I think it's just ridiculous to be that old and throw your life away like that. We are just waiting for the call that he's dead. 

[boltnrun]

My ex's older sister died as a result of being an addict and she was in her 50s. A good friend of mine died at age 40 from liver failure caused by combining prescription pain killers and alcohol for many years. My cousin is in her late 30s, lost custody of all three of her children (the youngest one pretty much right after she gave birth) and still uses. A man I dated is also in his 50s and has never been able to kick his crack habit despite going to prison for three years and being stripped of his parental rights. He doesn't even see his two children. My grandfather died alone in a hospital from cirrhosis after a lifetime of excessive drinking.

Addiction is a beast. And addicts like being high, which is why they seldom succeed at quitting when it's done to appease someone else, to fulfill a court order or to try to accomplish something or to avoid losing something or someone or because of a threat or ultimatum. They don't really want to be sober. As my friend who died said, "sober is boring!". He wanted to avoid being sober so much that he was willing to die to be high.

It's something non-addicts struggle to understand because we aren't wired that way. We cannot change our loved one into someone who doesn't love to get high.

Please do look into counseling or support groups. Perhaps also look into a group for single fathers who have full custody of their child or children.